Funny things your kid has said

[Golden Gopher 156]

In the car with my 5YO daughter this afternoon.....

Daughter:  "Dad, why do you always say "Um hum" when I tell you something?"

Me:  "Well, that's my way of letting you know that I heard what you said."

Daughter:  "You could say something else every once in a while."

Me:  "You're right.  I definitely could say something else sometimes.  Sorry, it's a bad habit."

Daughter:  "Dad, you don't need to apologize.  I'm not angry with you.  I just think that you could say something else.  I mean, I know you have a brain, right?  So, why don't you use it and think of something else to say?"

Me:  "Got it.  I totally agree with you.  Thank you for telling me this."

Daughter:  "No problem.  I love you, Dad."

 

Two minutes later.....

 

Daughter:  "Dad, how long until we will be home."

Me:  "Almost there.  Like two minutes."

Daughter:  "Um hum."

 

I look into the rearview mirror and see her smirking at me.  We both bust out laughing.  Needless to say, kids are sometimes not only hilarious, but also very insightful.  💓

Edited December 1, 2020 by Golden Gopher

[Mrs. Rannous 5,553]

23 minutes ago, Golden Gopher said:

I look into the rearview mirror and see her smirking at me. 

I like your child.  She reminds me of my husband.

Edited December 1, 2020 by Mrs. Rannous

[Keerock 5,137]

12 hours ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

12 hours ago, Golden Gopher said:

I look into the rearview mirror and see her smirking at me. 

I like your child.  She reminds me of my husband.

Which part... the smirk?  Sitting in the back seat?  5 y/o?

[Mrs. Rannous 5,553]

1 hour ago, Keerock said:

Which part... the smirk?  Sitting in the back seat?  5 y/o?

All of that and the weisenheimer vibe.  Mr R thought so, too.  His favorite jokes are the ones that you get twenty minutes later or that take a while to pay off.

You are in big trouble Mr Gopher.

Edited December 1, 2020 by Mrs. Rannous

[El Floppo 29,029]

Came home from work early today to start prepping for my colonoscopy tomorrow. Explained the whole liquid only, magnesium citrate prep to the kids, and that there will be pooping.

13yo floppinho... So you can have pudding.

???... liquid only, bub. I have to be able drink it through a straw.

Inho.... You could drink pudding through a straw if you wanted to badly enough.

 

 

And every few minutes since...

...are you pooping?

[Getzlaf15 11,164]

5 hours ago, El Floppo said:

Came home from work early today to start prepping for my colonoscopy tomorrow. Explained the whole liquid only, magnesium citrate prep to the kids, and that there will be pooping.

13yo floppinho... So you can have pudding.

???... liquid only, bub. I have to be able drink it through a straw.

Inho.... You could drink pudding through a straw if you wanted to badly enough.

 

 

And every few minutes since...

...are you pooping?

Did you poop yet?

[Mrs. Rannous 5,553]

How about now?

[El Floppo 29,029]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes. 

And yes.

Ad infinitum

[B Maverick 2,339]

Still pooping?

[B Maverick 2,339]

Kid gets herself some yogurt and m&ms, takes a bite and her face turns sour

"This tastes like Terminex smells"

[B Maverick 2,339]

Yesterday here is the conversation

Me: Ok, you can either finish this show and shower, or shower now.

11 yo: I'll shower now

Me: You sure, there's time if you want to finish this episode.

11 yo: No, its ok, i'll go now.  The remote has a pause button.  I think thats my favorite button ever.

[Moe Green 220]

My wife just told me this:

She was in the car with our 10 year old son today, taking him to the local MMA gym. He brought up the topic, of all things, our pug Cozmo's nuts/balls.

Son: Why doesn't Cosmo have balls?

Wife: Well he was fixed, so he can't make puppies/babies.

Son: You mean the sperm is made from the balls? (at least he knows what sperm is)

Wife: Yes.

Son: So how does the sperm get out of the balls?

Wife: Well it shoots out in a liquid called semen. (she doesn't cut corners regarding the birds and the bees)

Son: Ohhhh... you mean cu-?

Wife: :facepalm:

[lumpy19 8,372]

8 year old

dad was the 1400s a long time ago?

yes son

dad that’s when the pilgrims were in America 

yup I think you’re right

then in the 1500s the blacks were created

ummmm no son that’s not how it worked

[El Floppo 29,029]

4 minutes ago, Mr. Ham said:

Eye twitched. Mayflower landed in 1620. May seem immaterial, but it’s the difference between it being the year 2020, and 1800. George Washington died in the last weeks of 1799.

Not as funny, tbh.

[lumpy19 8,372]

57 minutes ago, Mr. Ham said:

Eye twitched. Mayflower landed in 1620. May seem immaterial, but it’s the difference between it being the year 2020, and 1800. George Washington died in the last weeks of 1799.

Please don’t question my knowledge of history when I’m trying to make fun of my kid.

Thanks

[ChiefD 19,703]

So my 13 year old son and I were outside over the weekend shoveling the driveway. We had gotten about 4 inches of snow, but it had rained prior, so there was about 2 inches of hard packed ice on the driveway and sidewalks. 

It started to warm up, so I was able to scrape it off pretty easily with a hard edge steel shovel. So while I scraped the ice up, he would scoop the remainder and shovel it to the sides of the driveway. After awhile, I gave him the scraper and let him give it a try. 

Me: You are doing really good with that!

Him: Thanks, it's pretty easy.

Me: Well, in that case I now promote you to Senior Shoveling Manager.

Him: OK. Well, here you go, then. (hands me shovel and walks away)

[KGB 464]

On 4/5/2006 at 10:23 AM, KGB said:

6 year old in the bathroom (early morning): DAAAAAAAD!

Me: what

him: Come here

me: Man, whyd you pee all over the floor?

him: I was sitting down going to the bathroom and "it" just popped up and was peeing everywhere! Why did it do that?

me: Ok, its normal, dont worry about it.

him: does it happen to you too

me: >laughing< yes

him: Well that sucks!

He's 21 now.  Time flies.  Ill have to show him this.

[B Maverick 2,339]

So the 11yo and I have been trying to take walks in the evenings to get ourselves moving (and she seems to be more chatty about her day on these walks).  After last nights walk she says

"We now return you to our regularly scheduled sitting"

[coopersdad 21]

So last night the 17YO goes on a date.  Brings the girl back to the house at around 830.  They are watching a movie in sun room, so I retire to the bedroom to watch the news channels.  I fall asleep.  I wake up at around 1015 thinking I hear "dad, dad, dad".  As I'm in my sleepwear, I don't want to walkout if she is still there, so I grab my phone and call him. He says I just wanted to let you know she left. I'm like "ok".  Flash forward 45 minutes and I hear "dad, dad, dad", so I get up and walk to his room and ask "what's up"?  He says "look out my window".  2 police cruisers with police in my front yard with flash lights looking in our windows.  So I put some shorts on, and we go to front door.  "Sir, we got a 911 call from XXX-XXX-XXXX (my cell number).  Spend 5 minutes talking to really nice officers ensuring them all is good...............

I guess somehow after I tried calling him I accidentally called 911 when I put the phone down.

After they leave we all head to bed.............about 5 minutes later, he comes to my bedroom door and says "just think about the conversation we'd be having now if I had done this. I'll pocket this one for later use.  Good night".  

This morning as he comes out to get his breakfast that I cooked "I'm going to have fun explaining this to everyone at school, my phone has blown up that the cops were at my house last night.  How much is it worth?"  He laughs gives me that #### eating grin of his.

 

Edited January 7 by coopersdad

[wlwiles 1,031]

Wife bought some printed photos from one of those Shutterfly websites, and some frames from a local store.  Decided she wanted me to hang them on the wall in the hallway.  She sat on the floor in the hall with our 5 y.o. and started taking the frames apart, removing the backs and matting or whatever, cleaning the glass and removing the stickers, loading the pictures in there, arranging them how she wanted, etc while I rummaged through the garage for picture hangers.  I came back in and told her that I couldn't find any, and was running to Home Depot.

While I'm gone, our 5 y.o. goes back into the hall, takes one of the frames apart, removes the picture, loads a blank coloring book page into it, puts it back together, and turns it face down on the floor and goes back to the living room with her mom.  

I came back, started putting hangers on the wall as my wife started pointing out which went where and at what height and all.  Daughter hides her secret frame behind her back until I'm all done, then the wife notices and says "oops one more, hand me that one behind you".  Daughter proudly holds it out and says "Daddy make sure you hang this one down low so I can get to it" as she shows it to us.  She explains that this way she can change the picture every day, as she pulls a dry erase marker out of her pocket and starts coloring on the glass, then swipes it away with her hand.  "See, hang it down low, and every day I can color Cinderella's clothes a different color to match whatever color I'm wearing!"  

 

Guess who has a framed Cinderella coloring book picture hanging 3 feet off the floor in their bedroom now....

Edited January 7 by wlwiles

[El Floppo 29,029]

2 hours ago, wlwiles said:

Wife bought some printed photos from one of those Shutterfly websites, and some frames from a local store.  Decided she wanted me to hang them on the wall in the hallway.  She sat on the floor in the hall with our 5 y.o. and started taking the frames apart, removing the backs and matting or whatever, cleaning the glass and removing the stickers, loading the pictures in there, arranging them how she wanted, etc while I rummaged through the garage for picture hangers.  I came back in and told her that I couldn't find any, and was running to Home Depot.

While I'm gone, our 5 y.o. goes back into the hall, takes one of the frames apart, removes the picture, loads a blank coloring book page into it, puts it back together, and turns it face down on the floor and goes back to the living room with her mom.  

I came back, started putting hangers on the wall as my wife started pointing out which went where and at what height and all.  Daughter hides her secret frame behind her back until I'm all done, then the wife notices and says "oops one more, hand me that one behind you".  Daughter proudly holds it out and says "Daddy make sure you hang this one down low so I can get to it" as she shows it to us.  She explains that this way she can change the picture every day, as she pulls a dry erase marker out of her pocket and starts coloring on the glass, then swipes it away with her hand.  "See, hang it down low, and every day I can color Cinderella's clothes a different color to match whatever color I'm wearing!"  

 

Guess who has a framed Cinderella coloring book picture hanging 3 feet off the floor in their bedroom now....

@The Gator ?? 

[The Gator 8,459]

16 minutes ago, El Floppo said:

@The Gator ?? 

I was hoping for it to be CR7 by the end of the story 😂

[gianmarco 29,011]

My 8 year old daughter is just nuts.

We're getting ready to go out to eat. She is getting dressed and has this shirt with a tank top attached inside and is struggling to get it on. She comes down the stairs to me on the couch and asks for help.  I look at her and tell her to go ask her mother.

She glares at me and, in a very harsh tone full of disdain, says to me "Don't you even know anything about shirts?".

Then she leaves without waiting for a response.  I can hear my wife giggling in the other room.

[nirad3 2,712]

The kids' mom and kids were grocery shopping at Smart & Final (love this place BTW), and they are in line.  It's one long line, socially-distanced, and there's this little gate thing with a TV screen by it which tells you when to go to your assigned checkout person.  

There's some grumpy middle-aged lady who's ahead of my family, and she's visibly flustered; huffing and puffing, looking around for an employee, etc... finally gets out of line and walks up to an employee to ask why the line was so slow (it was moving at a decent pace).  My wife lets her back in line and she's next up and gets her things checked out.

Well, apparently wife didn't have much in the buggy so got checked out pretty quick.... quick enough to see the grumpy chick in the parking lot, visibly flustered with putting bags in her trunk and then trying to back out of her parking space with people behind her.

Finally, once in my wife's car, my 8-year old boy announces "OK KAREN!!!" 

[B Maverick 2,339]

Not neccesarily funny, but completely awesome to hear your 11 year old signing along to the great Run DMC "Its Tricky"!

 

 

I guess its made quite the comeback on IG & Tik Tok?  Had no idea....

[Clown Car 1,574]

My teen boys (#5&6, 16&13) were arguing about something, as usual. After listening to all their yammering my daughter (#7, 11yo) says “this is why Artemis swore to stay a virgin and turned her back on the company of men!”

 

[Mrs. Rannous 5,553]

14 hours ago, Clown Car said:

My teen boys (#5&6, 16&13) were arguing about something, as usual. After listening to all their yammering my daughter (#7, 11yo) says “this is why Artemis swore to stay a virgin and turned her back on the company of men!”

 

She has a fine classical education.

[ChiefD 19,703]

On 2/17/2021 at 3:06 PM, B Maverick said:

Not neccesarily funny, but completely awesome to hear your 11 year old signing along to the great Run DMC "Its Tricky"!

 

 

I guess its made quite the comeback on IG & Tik Tok?  Had no idea....

My 10 year old daughter likes to play her playlist when we are in the car. I was grinning from ear to ear when AC/DC came on. 

Raised her well...

[UOFI_316 795]

On 2/17/2021 at 3:06 PM, B Maverick said:

Not neccesarily funny, but completely awesome to hear your 11 year old signing along to the great Run DMC "Its Tricky"!

 

 

I guess its made quite the comeback on IG & Tik Tok?  Had no idea....

This week on Jeopardy one of the categories was Alphabet Rockers or something.  The clue was "'80s rap trio: It's tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's right on time it's tricky... tricky tricky tricky tricky"  My 12 year old perks up, "Oh that is a Tic Tok song."

[Clown Car 1,574]

47 minutes ago, ChiefD said:

My 10 year old daughter likes to play her playlist when we are in the car. I was grinning from ear to ear when AC/DC came on. 

Raised her well...

Better than my Artemis fangirl.

[ChiefD 19,703]

1 minute ago, Clown Car said:

Better than my Artemis fangirl.

I don't know. That's pretty awesome in its own right. 

[Clown Car 1,574]

21 minutes ago, ChiefD said:

I don't know. That's pretty awesome in its own right. 

I admit I was impressed and made her repeat it so I got it down right. But still ac/dc? That’s pretty good parenting. My youngests like to sing the “eye eye eye eye” part in the beginning of crazy train. That’s something, right?

[ChiefD 19,703]

14 minutes ago, Clown Car said:

I admit I was impressed and made her repeat it so I got it down right. But still ac/dc? That’s pretty good parenting. My youngests like to sing the “eye eye eye eye” part in the beginning of crazy train. That’s something, right?

That song is on her playlist too.

 

[Gawain 2,297]

I have no idea why, but apparently my three year old boy thinks my wife and I are just employees. As one of us puts him to bed, he’ll state, “you were a good mommy today, here are your three coins.” Usually I get, “Mommy was better, you don’t get three coins,” and he’ll point to the three coins he found god knows where throughout the day and squirreled away.

[B Maverick 2,339]

8 hours ago, ChiefD said:

My 10 year old daughter likes to play her playlist when we are in the car. I was grinning from ear to ear when AC/DC came on. 

Raised her well...

I think my proudest musical moment was when the dj was going on about Earth Wind and Fire and my 11 yo yells "Just play Dancing in September and get on with it!"

I've also got her singing along to my 80s pop and 90s grunge.  I was more surprised to hear her singing Its Tricky then I was hearing her sing The Beautiful People.  

[Dinsy Ejotuz 13,292]

Episode 4 of 'The Mandalorian':

Mrs. Dinsy: I hope we find out where Baby Yoda comes from.

Dinsy Jr. (9yo): Well, when a Mommy Yoda and a Daddy Yoda love each other very much...

[Navin Johnson 519]

Oma? What's your Amazon password? 

[Bull Dozier 3,587]

5 hours ago, Gawain said:

I have no idea why, but apparently my three year old boy thinks my wife and I are just employees. As one of us puts him to bed, he’ll state, “you were a good mommy today, here are your three coins.” Usually I get, “Mommy was better, you don’t get three coins,” and he’ll point to the three coins he found god knows where throughout the day and squirreled away.

Frugal and recognized good work.  Sounds like you are raising a fine young future middle manager right there.

[wlwiles 1,031]

56 minutes ago, Dinsy Ejotuz said:

Episode 4 of 'The Mandalorian':

Mrs. Dinsy: I hope we find out where Baby Yoda comes from.

Dinsy Jr. (9yo): Well, when a Mommy Yoda and a Daddy Yoda love each other very much...

I wish I could shake your kid's hand for that one.  

[Dinsy Ejotuz 13,292]

3 minutes ago, wlwiles said:

I wish I could shake your kid's hand for that one.  

Yeah -- I think it's the first time either of my kids was legit LOL funny on purpose.  He knew he was making a joke.

[wlwiles 1,031]

We threw out some birdseed over the last few days for the backyard robins/cardinals/etc. with all the ice on the ground.  Daughter (5) looks out the window and notices a squirrel up on the table hogging a pile of seed for himself.  She runs to the door and throws it open:

Her: "Get out of here you cotton-headed ninnymuggins!" 

Me:  "Ah, leave him alone, squirrels have to eat too!" 

Her: "Well he already had enough, those little yellow birds barely got any! Besides, that squirrel doesn't do anything productive out there anyway!" 

[Clown Car 1,574]

3 of my kids had birthdays in February. They got cards with money from some family members. I had the oldest write thank you notes and the younger two were signing them. I put them in envelopes and sealed. #10 (6yo) says “wait! Shouldn’t we put money in there?”

[Mrs. Rannous 5,553]

15 minutes ago, Clown Car said:

3 of my kids had birthdays in February. They got cards with money from some family members. I had the oldest write thank you notes and the younger two were signing them. I put them in envelopes and sealed. #10 (6yo) says “wait! Shouldn’t we put money in there?”

Don't three of your kids have a birthday every month?

[Clown Car 1,574]

45 minutes ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

Don't three of your kids have a birthday every month?

No. 3 in February. 2 in April. 1 in March, June, July, august, September, November. Me and hubs in May, October. Jesus in December. January is our break. 

[B Maverick 2,339]

Kid swindles me into taking her to Jersey Mike's for dinner yesterday.  She tells me she has a gift card.  Well if she's buying then I'm flying!  We get there, order and go to pay and the guy behind the counter tells us there is a balance due.  We are confused and he says there was $6.30 on the card.  Odd amount.  I look at the kid she says:

"Who gives someone a gift card for $6.30?  Tomorrow (friends name) and I are going to have a conversation about this"

[Mookie 2,536]

My 25 year old just started a new, full time job this week.  It pays $23/hr. to start, which, for a kid with little experience coming off a 10 month pandemic layoff, is a pretty good gig.  He gets home from his FIRST DAY of work and proclaims "I think I'm being underpaid. I'll going to ask for a raise soon." 

[wlwiles 1,031]

Every single day when I get home from work my daughter races to the door to greet me (savoring it as long as I can!).  Before I can even get the door shut and my keys on the hook, usually both hands full of something, she blurts out whatever is the most exciting thing that's happened to her that particular day.   Yesterday: 

Her: "Daddy guess what!  Chris (cousin) came over this afternoon to play with me and we rode bikes out front!" 
Me: "That's awesome sweetie, I bet ya'll had fun!"
Her: "And Daddy, Chris said the F word!" 
Me (getting slightly concerned, as he's 8 and she's 5): "Uh oh, why did he say the F word?"
Her: "I don't know but he said it to me and to mommy. I told him he should just call it a toot but he called it an F word!"  

[El Floppo 29,029]

13 yo floppinho is a malaprop savant. 

He's considering his recent high school admissions and feeling good about himself, but still trying to determine his choice.

- I don't want to rest on my vowels here, but...

Wife and I... ??????????

[Clown Car 1,574]

5 hours ago, Mookie said:

My 25 year old just started a new, full time job this week.  It pays $23/hr. to start, which, for a kid with little experience coming off a 10 month pandemic layoff, is a pretty good gig.  He gets home from his FIRST DAY of work and proclaims "I think I'm being underpaid. I'll going to ask for a raise soon." 

What’s he doing? Maybe I could apply. 

[Sea Duck 1,474]

14 hours ago, Clown Car said:

15 hours ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

Don't three of your kids have a birthday every month?

No. 3 in February. 2 in April. 1 in March, June, July, august, September, November. Me and hubs in May, October. Jesus in December. January is our break. 

Explains a lot.