What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

Funny things your kid has said (3 Viewers)

Driving the other day, we were running a couple errands and trying to make it to our nephew's baseball game at 4:00.  It's 3:40 and we're about 15 min from the ballpark so I pull out of the parking lot we're in and start heading that way.  

Wife:  "Hey swing into Tractor Supply parking lot I need to run in just real quick and get some dog food". 
Me: "They're open late, we can go by after the game"
Wife: "But we're already right here, it'll just take me a second."
Me: "We'll already be getting to the park right at gametime, and we don't know which field he's on so it'll take time.... "
Daughter (5): "SCREW IT! Just get the dog food later Mama, I am NOT missing this game!" 

 
If you’ve followed the “losing weight in 2021” thread you know I’ve lost 35 pounds since last June. I was on a candy fast through lent but I got really mad at a kid today and ate a whole chocolate bunny. I was talking about it over dinner and I said “well would you rather a fat mommy or a violent mommy?” 
#8, 10yo boy, says “well I pick fat because when you slide into violent mom, I can out run you”

We all laughed. He’s not wrong. And he was the one I was originally mad at. 

 
Clown Car said:
If you’ve followed the “losing weight in 2021” thread you know I’ve lost 35 pounds since last June. I was on a candy fast through lent but I got really mad at a kid today and ate a whole chocolate bunny. I was talking about it over dinner and I said “well would you rather a fat mommy or a violent mommy?” 
#8, 10yo boy, says “well I pick fat because when you slide into violent mom, I can out run you”

We all laughed. He’s not wrong. And he was the one I was originally mad at. 
Click to expand...
:lol:  at the story, and awesome job on the bolded! 

 
I didn't find it funny at the time, but the situation a couple nights ago:

The 14 year old was having some stomach issues a couple days ago.  About 7:00 he went to the store room and got a bucket.  I gave him a look and he just said that he said he felt like he might throw up.  Nothing new - he has a lot of allergies, mostly knows when it's coming, etc.     

Anyway, about 30 mins later - sure enough I hear him throwing up in his room.  Sounded rough, and I could hear it through my headphones and music.  I hate dealing with puke, but I felt sorry for him, and went in check on him and help.  I get in the room and he is on his recliner, in the middle of a video game, talking his friends with a bucket of puke on the floor next to him.   Pretty sure I said something like "what the hell is wrong with you" and he just looks at me and said " What, I muted my mic! "  

:X   :lol:  

 
Driving home from dinner with nirad3ette (10) and nirad3jr (8) and 'ette says "Daddy turn on some music", so I make sure it's safe to screw with the radio, and while I am fumbling around, nirad3jr starts singing some pop song I have no idea of, and as I turn up the volume, that was the song that was playing! 

nirad3jr says "wow that was so crazy, I was just singing that song!  Also, I farted".

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Inadvertently taught my son that a 4 way stop is where one shouts "Cmon! Let's go! Jesus!" 

Yesterday had the wife in the car and he was in the back and when I rolled up to the 4 way he recited it. There wasn't any anger, he just blurted it out by rote. I was waiting for my lecture from Mrs Barnes and after a minute she goes "He gets that from me"

 
NorvilleBarnes said:
Inadvertently taught my son that a 4 way stop is where one shouts "Cmon! Let's go! Jesus!" 

Yesterday had the wife in the car and he was in the back and when I rolled up to the 4 way he recited it. There wasn't any anger, he just blurted it out by rote. I was waiting for my lecture from Mrs Barnes and after a minute she goes "He gets that from me"
Click to expand...
:lol:   

I caught my 6 year old a few times sighing a few times at a 4-way and saying "ugh, just go already!"  

Seems to be a common trend for getting to a 4 way at the same time as some body else or a little before.  They are going straight, I am turning left, and they wait for me or wave me through.  I hate it.  

 
Today the 6 year got to play with some Play-Doh.  I love that smell.  

Me:  Honey, you know what one of my favorite smells is?

Her:  What?

Me:  Play-Doh

Her:  You know what my least favorite smells are?

Me:  What?

Her:  Garbage and your toots.  

:lmao:

 
Not funny but heartwarming.

My oldest son (14) was offered a chance to stay the night at surgeon buddy's house and go to Spurs game tomorrow night.

He asked:

"Does that mean less time on the boat with you?"

"Yes"

"Screw that, tell Travis (buddy inviting) to come out on boat with us!"

 
For the last week or so we've spotted a brown rabbit in our yard shortly after dark.  Daughter enjoys watching it from the windows, and 2 nights ago she asked if we could leave some food out for it.  She and I raided the fridge gathering some veggies, and assembled a little salad out in the yard at dark yesterday with some lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and baby carrots.  We saw the rabbit come out, but it didn't appear to go near where we left the salad, it was just milling around.  Finally it was bedtime and she wanted to keep watching it so I promised her that we'd check first thing this morning to see if the salad had been eaten. 

This morning she wakes me up with "Daddy Daddy let's go check the yard".  We walk outside. 

Her:  "Look Daddy, the salad is still there!  The bunny didn't even touch it!" : obviously disappointed

Me, trying to be positive: "Well it does look like some of the lettuce is gone.  Maybe she can't bite into those tomatoes or carrots, maybe we need to chop them up for her" hoping that eases the discouragement. 

Her:  "Well I think we need to leave her a hamburger tonight just in case she's a meat-eater"

 
wlwiles said:
For the last week or so we've spotted a brown rabbit in our yard shortly after dark.  Daughter enjoys watching it from the windows, and 2 nights ago she asked if we could leave some food out for it.  She and I raided the fridge gathering some veggies, and assembled a little salad out in the yard at dark yesterday with some lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and baby carrots.  We saw the rabbit come out, but it didn't appear to go near where we left the salad, it was just milling around.  Finally it was bedtime and she wanted to keep watching it so I promised her that we'd check first thing this morning to see if the salad had been eaten. 

This morning she wakes me up with "Daddy Daddy let's go check the yard".  We walk outside. 

Her:  "Look Daddy, the salad is still there!  The bunny didn't even touch it!" : obviously disappointed

Me, trying to be positive: "Well it does look like some of the lettuce is gone.  Maybe she can't bite into those tomatoes or carrots, maybe we need to chop them up for her" hoping that eases the discouragement. 

Her:  "Well I think we need to leave her a hamburger tonight just in case she's a meat-eater"
Click to expand...
Careful.

 
wlwiles said:
For the last week or so we've spotted a brown rabbit in our yard shortly after dark.  Daughter enjoys watching it from the windows, and 2 nights ago she asked if we could leave some food out for it.  She and I raided the fridge gathering some veggies, and assembled a little salad out in the yard at dark yesterday with some lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and baby carrots.  We saw the rabbit come out, but it didn't appear to go near where we left the salad, it was just milling around.  Finally it was bedtime and she wanted to keep watching it so I promised her that we'd check first thing this morning to see if the salad had been eaten. 

This morning she wakes me up with "Daddy Daddy let's go check the yard".  We walk outside. 

Her:  "Look Daddy, the salad is still there!  The bunny didn't even touch it!" : obviously disappointed

Me, trying to be positive: "Well it does look like some of the lettuce is gone.  Maybe she can't bite into those tomatoes or carrots, maybe we need to chop them up for her" hoping that eases the discouragement. 

Her:  "Well I think we need to leave her a hamburger tonight just in case she's a meat-eater"
Click to expand...
We have cottontails in our yard.  Please don't feed them.  That could endanger them down the road.  But if you make them comfortable in your yard, they may stick around.  Ours live under our shed at least part of the time.  They dug out a bun spot in the middle of the lawn to lounge in.  I'm hoping for baby buns at some point.

 
Mrs. Rannous said:
We have cottontails in our yard.  Please don't feed them.  That could endanger them down the road.  But if you make them comfortable in your yard, they may stick around.  Ours live under our shed at least part of the time.  They dug out a bun spot in the middle of the lawn to lounge in.  I'm hoping for baby buns at some point.
Click to expand...
I don't know enough to say what kind this one is, but thanks for the tip.  Last night was attempt #2 at leaving out lettuce/tomatoes and they went untouched again. I don't want to keep feeding it, already got enough pets around here to feed, definitely not under any delusions that we'll get near or catch it anyway.  Our mission was just to make it comfortable, like you said, and maybe see more than just the one that currently comes out.  

 
#11 (5yo, boy) asked for juice today. I get it out and see that there’s two open bottles which usually drives me nuts. But before I could say anything he says “wow mom, you’re a genius! If one runs out there’s another one right there!”

 
The Kid, whos about to turn 12, and I taking a walk, playing the license plate game turned into a discussion of who won

Me: Thats cheating, I win

Her: Who says its cheating?

Me: Im in charge and I say it is, so you lose.

Her: I'm in charge.

Me: Only when I let you be

Her: I'm the adult in the house so I'm in charge

Me: uhhhh yeah you probably are.

 
Grandson 3y.o. had a checkup recently. He’s slightly underweight for his age and is not a good eater. The doctor told him he needs to eat more food. At dinner when he won’t eat my daughter tells him Dr Bender wants you to eat more food trying to get him to eat. 

He spent the night with me recently and we were laying on the couch trying to wind him down to get him to bed. He always talks to me during this time about random things.  He said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more food”. I said I know she does. Then he said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more marshmallows”. 

 
boilerdave said:
Grandson 3y.o. had a checkup recently. He’s slightly underweight for his age and is not a good eater. The doctor told him he needs to eat more food. At dinner when he won’t eat my daughter tells him Dr Bender wants you to eat more food trying to get him to eat. 

He spent the night with me recently and we were laying on the couch trying to wind him down to get him to bed. He always talks to me during this time about random things.  He said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more food”. I said I know she does. Then he said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more marshmallows”. 
Click to expand...
Give the baby more marshmallows!!

 
Clown Car said:
boilerdave said:
Grandson 3y.o. had a checkup recently. He’s slightly underweight for his age and is not a good eater. The doctor told him he needs to eat more food. At dinner when he won’t eat my daughter tells him Dr Bender wants you to eat more food trying to get him to eat. 

He spent the night with me recently and we were laying on the couch trying to wind him down to get him to bed. He always talks to me during this time about random things.  He said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more food”. I said I know she does. Then he said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more marshmallows”. 
Click to expand...
Give the baby more marshmallows!!
Click to expand...
Also, get that cutie checked out for eating disorders involving texture and that sort of thing.  He may not be able to help himself without treatment.  And having people focused on your food all the time is unfun.

Plus- marshmallows.  Maybe with a hot chocoate delivery system.  Or s'mores.

 
tri-man 47 said:
My son gives a 'pouch' (kind of like a liquidy yogurt squeeze pouch) to our 4 y.o. grandson.  Grandson recognizes that that particular pouch has some prunes as part of the mix and says, "dada, do you want me to poop?"

(answer was yes)
Click to expand...
I cross-posted this in Fred's weight loss thread since we've got some big poopers in that thread...

My 3 year old runs up to the bathroom last night and when she's done she yells "DAD COME HERE". So I run upstairs and she points to the toilet and says "Thats a lot of poop". She was right. I don't know where the kid stores it all, I was amazed how someone so little could do that.

 
FBG26 said:
I cross-posted this in Fred's weight loss thread since we've got some big poopers in that thread...

My 3 year old runs up to the bathroom last night and when she's done she yells "DAD COME HERE". So I run upstairs and she points to the toilet and says "Thats a lot of poop". She was right. I don't know where the kid stores it all, I was amazed how someone so little could do that.
Click to expand...
And the really funny thing is you have to really celebrate it, especially when they are going through potty training:

"OH HELL YES THAT IS SO AWESOME!  PERFECT EXECUTION. SO PROUD OF YOU!!

 
Having our eldest's five year birthday party on Saturday. Put up the bounce houses, few drinks for the (vaccinated adults) and keep everyone in the back yard. Birthday girl pipes up, "Why can't we have an inside party? I want my friends to come inside." Wife states, "We've talked about this. You know why they can't come in" (Covid, needing an invite). Daughter replies, "Oh yeah, our house is too dirty."

 
Came home from work and my wife and 8 yr old daughter were outside.  I stuck my head out the patio door, and the second my daughter sees me she screams "I learned how to armpit fart today!!!" and then ran over to show me.  I think this weekend I need to give her some pointers, maybe teach her a few songs.

 
UOFI_316 said:
Came home from work and my wife and 8 yr old daughter were outside.  I stuck my head out the patio door, and the second my daughter sees me she screams "I learned how to armpit fart today!!!" and then ran over to show me.  I think this weekend I need to give her some pointers, maybe teach her a few songs.
Click to expand...
Maybe explain Hawaiian nose humming.

 
Took 13yo Floppinho up to Central Park this afternoon to meet up with some friends of his for a bday party in the park.

His buddy had sent him an invite giving a general area where they'd be (Sheep's Meadow) so we went. They're not there. It's crowded as hell and hot/humid- first real summerish weekend day in NYC postish-covid. Feels like the entire city is out. We walk a bit to try to find them- no dice. 

His phone rings- it's one of his friends who's there. They proceed to try give/get directions on the phone. I can tell by his side of things, this isn't how adults would get directions..

"Oh...ok. yeah, I know where that is- see you soon." He starts leading us the opposite direction from where the invite said they'd be.

Where are we going, bubba.

To the ice cream cart. 

(The park is overflowing with ice cream carts everywhere you look) which ice cream cart? 

Where we went last year.

...nobody there. 

They call him back and he and the friend start trying to explain landmarks...

Is there a big rock? (The parks full of big rocks)

There are trees? (The parks full of trees)

New kid gets in the phone...there's a statue (the park is full of statues)

At this point my blood is boiling as I'm trying to get him to ask if they're north south east or west of the meadow. None do them have any idea what any of that means.

I take the phone from and ask his the person he's talking to to face the sun (south) and tell us what she sees.

I don't see the sun. (it's a ####### sunny day).

:wall:  its big. Yellow. Up in the sky.

Oh... Ok, I see it now.

Great- tell me what you see in front of you.

It's...a park. I see a park. (We're standing in the middle of Central Park...there's no avoiding seeing a park no matter which direction you face). :wall:

 
El Floppo said:
At this point my blood is boiling as I'm trying to get him to ask if they're north south east or west of the meadow. None do them have any idea what any of that means.

I take the phone from and ask his the person he's talking to to face the sun (south) and tell us what she sees.

I don't see the sun. (it's a ####### sunny day).

:wall:  its big. Yellow. Up in the sky.

Oh... Ok, I see it now.

Great- tell me what you see in front of you.

It's...a park. I see a park. (We're standing in the middle of Central Park...there's no avoiding seeing a park no matter which direction you face). :wall:
Click to expand...
:lol:

For some reason, reading this made me think of playing Zork back in the day.

 
Was reading my 4 year old daughter a bedtime story and I kissed her on her head while she was looking at the pictures. 

She turned and looked at me and said, "What was that?!"

Me: A little kiss.

Her: With your lips?!

Me: Yes. 

Her: That's disgusting! (As she proceeded to wipe her head off.)

 
Last edited by a moderator:
We recently moved from an apt to a townhouse.  Apt had a fireplace, townhouse doesn't. Been there about a month and the kid noticing the lack of a fireplace "There's no fireplace, where are we going to hang the stockings?"

She also recently disclosed that she knows Santa isn't real but loved the magic of it all so she didn't say anything.  She's know for awhile.

:doh:

On the bright side, I don't have to worry about that  :censored:  Elf on the Shelf anymore.

 
Clown Car said:
At a nice resort with 4 of the kids last week. I was sitting in the hot tub with #11 (5yo boy) and this little girl gets in and says to no one in particular “oh this water is really hot”. My kid says “well it’s a hot tub, it’s right there in the name.”
Click to expand...
My husband inherited his smart mouth from his mother.  Any correlation?

 
This is one I had meant to add in here awhile back:

A few years ago the topic of sex came up (I think while we were watching TV). My son (who was probably 7 or 8 at the time) started laughing about whatever sexual reference was being discussed on TV.

Wife: "Why are you laughing? "

Son: "Cuz they said "sex." 

Wife: (Naively) "Do you even know what that is?" 

Son: "Yeah - it's when the carrot goes into the Fruit Loop!" 

 
Ramsay Hunt Experience said:
Signs I need to more closely monitor the YouTube videos my six year old watches:

He has a habit of hiding under the covers in the master bedroom or in the master bedroom at bedtime and trying to “surprise” me by shouting “boo!”

Last night, he sprang out from under the covers and shouted “surprise, m*****f*****!”
Click to expand...
Well now you have to let him binge the rest of Dexter, it's only fair.  

 
Came home late from work on Wednesday.  Had texted the wife earlier in the evening to give her a heads up. 

Walked in the door and my daughter (6) immediately hits me with: 

Her: Daddy!!!  Why are you home so late?

Me: Had to get some important work done and it took me longer than usual. 

Her: Well Mama said since you're getting home so late you're not gonna get any!

Me: *shoots look at wife who is cracking up*  Mama said I couldn't have any, just because I came home late?

Her: Yep, she said you won't get ANY!  *she takes my hand* But Daddy, I wanted to make sure you got some so I left a few tater tots on my plate for you. 

Me:  Oh you meant get any DINNER......

 
Wife is putting the 2yo to bed, the 5yo and the 3yo barge into his room.

3yo: "Mommy, you have to come and see the piece of lollipop under the couch."

Wife: "Can't you go and throw it out?"

5/3 in unison: "No! You need to throw it out."
Skip ahead ten minutes, wife goes down to the basement.

Wife: "OK, show me where this piece of the lollipop is..."

3yo: "My belly is full of lollipop that was under the couch."

Wife: "ugh"

3yo: "My belly is full of hair stuck to the lollipop too."

 
KanilJr (10yo now holy sh!t), Mrs. Kanil, and myself were all sitting out on the porch last night and playing a word rhyming game where one person says a sentence, the next person says a sentence where the last word rhymes, and it continues until someone repeats a word or cant think of one.  Also, if you can pack more than one rhyme into a sentence, no one can repeat those words so we generally try to stick two or three rhyming words in a sentence when we can.

KanilJr (starting off the game): We live on an elite street.

Mrs. Kanil: I like my scotch neat with less peat.

Kanil: I can't wait to take your mom out and shoot some skeet!  (I love dropping innuendo that he wont get yet)

Mrs. Kanil: 😕

KanilJr: I'm gonna beat some meat with my feet!

Kanil & Mrs. Kanil: 🤣

He eventually asked us what was funny and we used it as an opportunity to explain that beating your meat meant masturbating (and also that it's not an appropriate thing for a 10yo to say).

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

coyote5
Hail damage - getting new roof, what questions should I have?
Replies
5
Views
341
The Z Machine
The Z Machine
belljr
Tips to get your teen more organized/responsive/on top of things?
Replies
31
Views
687
Ilov80s
Ilov80s
Chadstroma
Yet More Proof Women are Impossible to Please
4 5 6
Replies
261
Views
8K
Terminalxylem
Terminalxylem

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 4 (members: 0, guests: 4)
Top