Funny things your kid has said

[Clown Car 1,574]

3 hours ago, Sea Duck said:

Explains a lot.

Yes. Yes it does. 

[Mookie 2,534]

12 hours ago, Clown Car said:

What’s he doing? Maybe I could apply. 

He has a mechanical engineering degree, but is working at a civil engineering firm doing software modeling for large infrastructure projects.

[Clown Car 1,574]

18 minutes ago, Mookie said:

He has a mechanical engineering degree, but is working at a civil engineering firm doing software modeling for large infrastructure projects.

Yeah. No I can’t apply. 

[B Maverick 2,332]

On 3/4/2021 at 9:56 AM, B Maverick said:

Kid swindles me into taking her to Jersey Mike's for dinner yesterday.  She tells me she has a gift card.  Well if she's buying then I'm flying!  We get there, order and go to pay and the guy behind the counter tells us there is a balance due.  We are confused and he says there was $6.30 on the card.  Odd amount.  I look at the kid she says:

"Who gives someone a gift card for $6.30?  Tomorrow (friends name) and I are going to have a conversation about this"

Turns out the gift card was actually my daughters that her friend had taken and forgot to give back.  My kid had used it before so thats why there was only $6.30. 

[El Floppo 28,990]

10 hours ago, Mookie said:

He has a mechanical engineering degree, but is working at a civil engineering firm doing software modeling for large infrastructure projects.

I thought models made more money.

[nirad3 2,710]

Watching CBS Sports Network, some random college hoops game, and a commercial for an arthritis cream comes on.

10-year-old nirad3ette:  Daddy, you could use some of that.

Me:  😐  what?

nirad3ette:  It's an arthritis cream.

Me:  I don't need that.  I have arthritis?  I mean, my wrist was hurting a few months ago but I think that was tendonitis.

nirad3ette:  Or it was smallpox.

Me:    wth?

[sho nuff 17,178]

On 3/4/2021 at 3:37 PM, wlwiles said:

Every single day when I get home from work my daughter races to the door to greet me (savoring it as long as I can!).  Before I can even get the door shut and my keys on the hook, usually both hands full of something, she blurts out whatever is the most exciting thing that's happened to her that particular day.   Yesterday: 

Her: "Daddy guess what!  Chris (cousin) came over this afternoon to play with me and we rode bikes out front!" 
Me: "That's awesome sweetie, I bet ya'll had fun!"
Her: "And Daddy, Chris said the F word!" 
Me (getting slightly concerned, as he's 8 and she's 5): "Uh oh, why did he say the F word?"
Her: "I don't know but he said it to me and to mommy. I told him he should just call it a toot but he called it an F word!"  

Reminds me when my son was at daycare years ago.

We were always pretty careful around our kids when they were little (and still to an extent now with teenagers)...but even tried to keep them from saying "stupid".

Well, picking him up one day the teacher in his room pulled me aside and said... 

her: "little Nuff said a bad word today"

me:  "oh, what was it?"

her:  "started with s"

me:  "oh, he called someone stupid?"

her:  "no, worse than that'

me: "are you sure"

her:  "yeah, well he said it three times in a row as he was frustrated with a toy"

 

[KarmaPolice 18,067]

My teen is in full on awkward/self-conscious mode now, and getting the full impact of having a 6 year old around with no filter.  

Yesterday was:

Her:  Bro, what's that big red thing on your face?

Him:  *sigh*  A pimple.  

Her:   Eeewww, what's a pimple??! 

 

A couple days ago at the table it was a not so quite whisper to me " Dad, Bro's growing a moustache like you now!" 

 

   I am enjoying it, just because the heat is off me and pointing out my bald head and hairy arms every other day! 

[Clown Car 1,574]

#10 (6yo boy) wanted some Mac and cheese.  I said no and did something else. He gets out a pot, fills it with water, pours two boxes of Mac and cheese and the cheese powder, and stirs it on a stool in the pantry. He said it tasted ok but the noodles were too hard. I explained he needed to boil the noodles.
 

He said “well I used hot water”

[El Floppo 28,990]

14 hours ago, Clown Car said:

#10 (6yo boy) wanted some Mac and cheese.  I said no and did something else. He gets out a pot, fills it with water, pours two boxes of Mac and cheese and the cheese powder, and stirs it on a stool in the pantry. He said it tasted ok but the noodles were too hard. I explained he needed to boil the noodles.
 

He said “well I used hot water”

Bless that kid for taking the initiative. My kids would just sit and starve instead of helping themselves to food.

[nirad3 2,710]

59 minutes ago, El Floppo said:

Bless that kid for taking the initiative. My kids would just sit and starve instead of helping themselves to food.

My kids would have helped themselves to food, but it would have been junk food and/or dessert.

[HaFo SaFo 104]

2 hours ago, El Floppo said:

Bless that kid for taking the initiative. My kids would just sit and starve instead of helping themselves to food.

Your kids aren't fighting against 17 other mouths at the same time tho. I bet they learn quick that they gotta get dirty to survive.

[Clown Car 1,574]

2 hours ago, nirad3 said:

My kids would have helped themselves to food, but it would have been junk food and/or dessert.

This stuff has to get locked in my room. 

[wlwiles 1,031]

Driving the other day, we were running a couple errands and trying to make it to our nephew's baseball game at 4:00.  It's 3:40 and we're about 15 min from the ballpark so I pull out of the parking lot we're in and start heading that way.  

Wife:  "Hey swing into Tractor Supply parking lot I need to run in just real quick and get some dog food". 
Me: "They're open late, we can go by after the game"
Wife: "But we're already right here, it'll just take me a second."
Me: "We'll already be getting to the park right at gametime, and we don't know which field he's on so it'll take time.... "
Daughter (5): "SCREW IT! Just get the dog food later Mama, I am NOT missing this game!" 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22 4,226]

Good to see you guys have maniacs of your own that you’re raising. 

[Mrs. Rannous 5,549]

2 hours ago, STEADYMOBBIN 22 said:

Good to see you guys have maniacs of your own that you’re raising. 

Makes you feel kind of normal, doesn't it?

[Clown Car 1,574]

If you’ve followed the “losing weight in 2021” thread you know I’ve lost 35 pounds since last June. I was on a candy fast through lent but I got really mad at a kid today and ate a whole chocolate bunny. I was talking about it over dinner and I said “well would you rather a fat mommy or a violent mommy?” 
#8, 10yo boy, says “well I pick fat because when you slide into violent mom, I can out run you”

We all laughed. He’s not wrong. And he was the one I was originally mad at. 

[KarmaPolice 18,067]

1 minute ago, Clown Car said:

If you’ve followed the “losing weight in 2021” thread you know I’ve lost 35 pounds since last June. I was on a candy fast through lent but I got really mad at a kid today and ate a whole chocolate bunny. I was talking about it over dinner and I said “well would you rather a fat mommy or a violent mommy?” 
#8, 10yo boy, says “well I pick fat because when you slide into violent mom, I can out run you”

We all laughed. He’s not wrong. And he was the one I was originally mad at. 

 at the story, and awesome job on the bolded! 

[KarmaPolice 18,067]

I didn't find it funny at the time, but the situation a couple nights ago:

The 14 year old was having some stomach issues a couple days ago.  About 7:00 he went to the store room and got a bucket.  I gave him a look and he just said that he said he felt like he might throw up.  Nothing new - he has a lot of allergies, mostly knows when it's coming, etc.     

Anyway, about 30 mins later - sure enough I hear him throwing up in his room.  Sounded rough, and I could hear it through my headphones and music.  I hate dealing with puke, but I felt sorry for him, and went in check on him and help.  I get in the room and he is on his recliner, in the middle of a video game, talking his friends with a bucket of puke on the floor next to him.   Pretty sure I said something like "what the hell is wrong with you" and he just looks at me and said " What, I muted my mic! "  

   

[nirad3 2,710]

Driving home from dinner with nirad3ette (10) and nirad3jr (8) and 'ette says "Daddy turn on some music", so I make sure it's safe to screw with the radio, and while I am fumbling around, nirad3jr starts singing some pop song I have no idea of, and as I turn up the volume, that was the song that was playing! 

nirad3jr says "wow that was so crazy, I was just singing that song!  Also, I farted".

[NorvilleBarnes 4,256]

Inadvertently taught my son that a 4 way stop is where one shouts "Cmon! Let's go! Jesus!" 

Yesterday had the wife in the car and he was in the back and when I rolled up to the 4 way he recited it. There wasn't any anger, he just blurted it out by rote. I was waiting for my lecture from Mrs Barnes and after a minute she goes "He gets that from me"

[KarmaPolice 18,067]

21 hours ago, NorvilleBarnes said:

Inadvertently taught my son that a 4 way stop is where one shouts "Cmon! Let's go! Jesus!" 

Yesterday had the wife in the car and he was in the back and when I rolled up to the 4 way he recited it. There wasn't any anger, he just blurted it out by rote. I was waiting for my lecture from Mrs Barnes and after a minute she goes "He gets that from me"

  

I caught my 6 year old a few times sighing a few times at a 4-way and saying "ugh, just go already!"  

Seems to be a common trend for getting to a 4 way at the same time as some body else or a little before.  They are going straight, I am turning left, and they wait for me or wave me through.  I hate it.  

[KarmaPolice 18,067]

Today the 6 year got to play with some Play-Doh.  I love that smell.  

Me:  Honey, you know what one of my favorite smells is?

Her:  What?

Me:  Play-Doh

Her:  You know what my least favorite smells are?

Me:  What?

Her:  Garbage and your toots.  

 

 

[matuski 5,022]

Not funny but heartwarming.

My oldest son (14) was offered a chance to stay the night at surgeon buddy's house and go to Spurs game tomorrow night.

He asked:

"Does that mean less time on the boat with you?"

"Yes"

"Screw that, tell Travis (buddy inviting) to come out on boat with us!"

[wlwiles 1,031]

For the last week or so we've spotted a brown rabbit in our yard shortly after dark.  Daughter enjoys watching it from the windows, and 2 nights ago she asked if we could leave some food out for it.  She and I raided the fridge gathering some veggies, and assembled a little salad out in the yard at dark yesterday with some lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and baby carrots.  We saw the rabbit come out, but it didn't appear to go near where we left the salad, it was just milling around.  Finally it was bedtime and she wanted to keep watching it so I promised her that we'd check first thing this morning to see if the salad had been eaten. 

This morning she wakes me up with "Daddy Daddy let's go check the yard".  We walk outside. 

Her:  "Look Daddy, the salad is still there!  The bunny didn't even touch it!" : obviously disappointed

Me, trying to be positive: "Well it does look like some of the lettuce is gone.  Maybe she can't bite into those tomatoes or carrots, maybe we need to chop them up for her" hoping that eases the discouragement. 

Her:  "Well I think we need to leave her a hamburger tonight just in case she's a meat-eater"

 

[jhib 2,009]

11 hours ago, wlwiles said:

For the last week or so we've spotted a brown rabbit in our yard shortly after dark.  Daughter enjoys watching it from the windows, and 2 nights ago she asked if we could leave some food out for it.  She and I raided the fridge gathering some veggies, and assembled a little salad out in the yard at dark yesterday with some lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and baby carrots.  We saw the rabbit come out, but it didn't appear to go near where we left the salad, it was just milling around.  Finally it was bedtime and she wanted to keep watching it so I promised her that we'd check first thing this morning to see if the salad had been eaten. 

This morning she wakes me up with "Daddy Daddy let's go check the yard".  We walk outside. 

Her:  "Look Daddy, the salad is still there!  The bunny didn't even touch it!" : obviously disappointed

Me, trying to be positive: "Well it does look like some of the lettuce is gone.  Maybe she can't bite into those tomatoes or carrots, maybe we need to chop them up for her" hoping that eases the discouragement. 

Her:  "Well I think we need to leave her a hamburger tonight just in case she's a meat-eater"

 

Careful.

 

[Mrs. Rannous 5,549]

11 hours ago, wlwiles said:

For the last week or so we've spotted a brown rabbit in our yard shortly after dark.  Daughter enjoys watching it from the windows, and 2 nights ago she asked if we could leave some food out for it.  She and I raided the fridge gathering some veggies, and assembled a little salad out in the yard at dark yesterday with some lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and baby carrots.  We saw the rabbit come out, but it didn't appear to go near where we left the salad, it was just milling around.  Finally it was bedtime and she wanted to keep watching it so I promised her that we'd check first thing this morning to see if the salad had been eaten. 

This morning she wakes me up with "Daddy Daddy let's go check the yard".  We walk outside. 

Her:  "Look Daddy, the salad is still there!  The bunny didn't even touch it!" : obviously disappointed

Me, trying to be positive: "Well it does look like some of the lettuce is gone.  Maybe she can't bite into those tomatoes or carrots, maybe we need to chop them up for her" hoping that eases the discouragement. 

Her:  "Well I think we need to leave her a hamburger tonight just in case she's a meat-eater"

 

We have cottontails in our yard.  Please don't feed them.  That could endanger them down the road.  But if you make them comfortable in your yard, they may stick around.  Ours live under our shed at least part of the time.  They dug out a bun spot in the middle of the lawn to lounge in.  I'm hoping for baby buns at some point.

[wlwiles 1,031]

9 hours ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

We have cottontails in our yard.  Please don't feed them.  That could endanger them down the road.  But if you make them comfortable in your yard, they may stick around.  Ours live under our shed at least part of the time.  They dug out a bun spot in the middle of the lawn to lounge in.  I'm hoping for baby buns at some point.

I don't know enough to say what kind this one is, but thanks for the tip.  Last night was attempt #2 at leaving out lettuce/tomatoes and they went untouched again. I don't want to keep feeding it, already got enough pets around here to feed, definitely not under any delusions that we'll get near or catch it anyway.  Our mission was just to make it comfortable, like you said, and maybe see more than just the one that currently comes out.  

[Clown Car 1,574]

We are watching “Jesus Christ superstar” on you tube and the scene were Jesus was being crowded by all the people/leppers and he’s singing loud “don’t crowd me, don’t touch me!”

#11 (5yo boy) hollers “just punch them Jesus!”

[Clown Car 1,574]

#11 (5yo, boy) asked for juice today. I get it out and see that there’s two open bottles which usually drives me nuts. But before I could say anything he says “wow mom, you’re a genius! If one runs out there’s another one right there!”

[B Maverick 2,332]

The Kid, whos about to turn 12, and I taking a walk, playing the license plate game turned into a discussion of who won

Me: Thats cheating, I win

Her: Who says its cheating?

Me: Im in charge and I say it is, so you lose.

Her: I'm in charge.

Me: Only when I let you be

Her: I'm the adult in the house so I'm in charge

Me: uhhhh yeah you probably are.

[boilerdave 631]

Grandson 3y.o. had a checkup recently. He’s slightly underweight for his age and is not a good eater. The doctor told him he needs to eat more food. At dinner when he won’t eat my daughter tells him Dr Bender wants you to eat more food trying to get him to eat. 

He spent the night with me recently and we were laying on the couch trying to wind him down to get him to bed. He always talks to me during this time about random things.  He said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more food”. I said I know she does. Then he said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more marshmallows”. 

[Clown Car 1,574]

53 minutes ago, boilerdave said:

Grandson 3y.o. had a checkup recently. He’s slightly underweight for his age and is not a good eater. The doctor told him he needs to eat more food. At dinner when he won’t eat my daughter tells him Dr Bender wants you to eat more food trying to get him to eat. 

He spent the night with me recently and we were laying on the couch trying to wind him down to get him to bed. He always talks to me during this time about random things.  He said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more food”. I said I know she does. Then he said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more marshmallows”. 

Give the baby more marshmallows!!

[Mrs. Rannous 5,549]

2 hours ago, Clown Car said:

3 hours ago, boilerdave said:

Grandson 3y.o. had a checkup recently. He’s slightly underweight for his age and is not a good eater. The doctor told him he needs to eat more food. At dinner when he won’t eat my daughter tells him Dr Bender wants you to eat more food trying to get him to eat. 

He spent the night with me recently and we were laying on the couch trying to wind him down to get him to bed. He always talks to me during this time about random things.  He said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more food”. I said I know she does. Then he said “Dr Bender wants me to eat more marshmallows”. 

Give the baby more marshmallows!!

Also, get that cutie checked out for eating disorders involving texture and that sort of thing.  He may not be able to help himself without treatment.  And having people focused on your food all the time is unfun.

Plus- marshmallows.  Maybe with a hot chocoate delivery system.  Or s'mores.

[tri-man 47 9,090]

My son gives a 'pouch' (kind of like a liquidy yogurt squeeze pouch) to our 4 y.o. grandson.  Grandson recognizes that that particular pouch has some prunes as part of the mix and says, "dada, do you want me to poop?"

(answer was yes)

 

[boilerdave 631]

9 hours ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

Also, get that cutie checked out for eating disorders involving texture and that sort of thing.  He may not be able to help himself without treatment.  

👍  Daughter is going to do that. She’s seeing if it can be approved by insurance now.