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A note to my coworker ... (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Nigel Tufnel
- Start date
Gamblor
Footballguy
The first site is one where everyone can submit posts, and everyone can rank the submissions. You can only rank them out of 5 though, so if you made your site have a ranking out of 10 its a guaranteed winner.
Furious Gusto
Footballguy
Dear I have a fancy new cell phone guy -
How come before you had a fancy new cell phone, your beastly wife and imaginary friends called you on the boring old land line phone that just goes "ring ring"? Why is it that now, after you stumbled upon a kiosk in the mall and got suckered into signing a 55 year deal with Suckular in order to get their nifty new handphone, everybody you know and probably several people you don't have begun calling you all day long. You were a total tool sucker prior to owning a Blackjack and the fact that you now wear that bad boy on your belt like Batman doesn't alter the score one bit. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH wow! Another call! ANOTHER DIFFERENT RING TONE???? Jesus Christ jumping a pogo-stick, if I have to listen to "Eye of the Tiger" one more time today followed by your girlish giggle before picking up, I'm going to de-belt your phone and stick up your rectum without the courtesy of adding any lube.
Tomorrow I'm betting you'll have a new ring-tone and more phone calls that last 4 seconds that are probably just you calling you trying to look cool, booger eater. But here's a tip - the theme to Rocky blaring out of your hip doesn't make you look cool. Nothing could. So stop pretending like you have a more important life now that you have a cool new phone because guess what? You still drive a crappy car, still have a behemoth of a wife and couldn't be cool if you came from Saturn. Stop changing ring tones, stop calling yourself, stop walking around with your hip out front so we can see your phone and stop chuckling like a fairy every time you get a call.
God, I hate you more every day.
In the fellowship of Christ,
FG
How come before you had a fancy new cell phone, your beastly wife and imaginary friends called you on the boring old land line phone that just goes "ring ring"? Why is it that now, after you stumbled upon a kiosk in the mall and got suckered into signing a 55 year deal with Suckular in order to get their nifty new handphone, everybody you know and probably several people you don't have begun calling you all day long. You were a total tool sucker prior to owning a Blackjack and the fact that you now wear that bad boy on your belt like Batman doesn't alter the score one bit. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH wow! Another call! ANOTHER DIFFERENT RING TONE???? Jesus Christ jumping a pogo-stick, if I have to listen to "Eye of the Tiger" one more time today followed by your girlish giggle before picking up, I'm going to de-belt your phone and stick up your rectum without the courtesy of adding any lube.
Tomorrow I'm betting you'll have a new ring-tone and more phone calls that last 4 seconds that are probably just you calling you trying to look cool, booger eater. But here's a tip - the theme to Rocky blaring out of your hip doesn't make you look cool. Nothing could. So stop pretending like you have a more important life now that you have a cool new phone because guess what? You still drive a crappy car, still have a behemoth of a wife and couldn't be cool if you came from Saturn. Stop changing ring tones, stop calling yourself, stop walking around with your hip out front so we can see your phone and stop chuckling like a fairy every time you get a call.
God, I hate you more every day.
In the fellowship of Christ,
FG
perry147
Footballguy
Dear Get-Rich-Quicker,
No, I don't want to look at your great webpage. You are selling some crappy diet that you thought up in a pdf file for $20. I am not going to pretend that it is a great idea when I read it and know that you just ripped off the Master Cleanse. Yes, not eating is a great way to lose weight, but no one can do it when there are McDonalds every four blocks. So, you either are delusional about the American populace, or you want to take money from chubbies with low self-esteem. Neither is admirable.
Moreover, you will not sell 1000 files a month. Stop bragging about how this is going to make you so much money, because you missed the memo about the problems of selling information. Once one copy is on the internet, no one need pay you. When I have quit this crappy job, you will be hawking Bibles, Amway or some other garbage. And, I'll have no sympathy.
Buy a Clue,
Oddibe
No, I don't want to look at your great webpage. You are selling some crappy diet that you thought up in a pdf file for $20. I am not going to pretend that it is a great idea when I read it and know that you just ripped off the Master Cleanse. Yes, not eating is a great way to lose weight, but no one can do it when there are McDonalds every four blocks. So, you either are delusional about the American populace, or you want to take money from chubbies with low self-esteem. Neither is admirable.
Moreover, you will not sell 1000 files a month. Stop bragging about how this is going to make you so much money, because you missed the memo about the problems of selling information. Once one copy is on the internet, no one need pay you. When I have quit this crappy job, you will be hawking Bibles, Amway or some other garbage. And, I'll have no sympathy.
Buy a Clue,
Oddibe
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
Dear Lady with the Austin Powers song ringtone,
It would have been annoying 5 years ago when the movies were out. What do you think it's like now?
Notice how your phone is the only one that rings during the day? The rest of us have figured out that high tech "ringer off" mode on our phones.
Crapadelic,
SM
It would have been annoying 5 years ago when the movies were out. What do you think it's like now?
Notice how your phone is the only one that rings during the day? The rest of us have figured out that high tech "ringer off" mode on our phones.
Crapadelic,
SM
Dear HR and the company you use for service recognition awards,
Is it too much to ask that you spell my name correctly on my award? I could understand mispelling my last name, as many do, and it's not the easiest name to spell, but you got that right! You mispelled my first name. If my given name was William, but went by Bill, why would you print Will on the certificate? Even HR knows I don't go by Will.
I know these things are cheesy and aren't really worth the paper they are printed on, but is it too much to ask that someone proof reads these things? This goes for HR as well, as I know you had them in your hands a week or so before it was presented to me. Would it have hurt to check the spelling?
This is the longest I've worked for one company. Ten years is a long time for just about anyone this day and age. Would it hurt to TRY to make an effort to get things right for employees who do actually care about their job and the company?
See you in hell!
Sclaffer
ETA: Oh... and it doesn't help matters much that when I showed the HR people that they just laughed about it. Sure they said that they would take care of it, but I'm sure as hell certain that if they mispelled your name, you wouldn't be laughing as much.
Is it too much to ask that you spell my name correctly on my award? I could understand mispelling my last name, as many do, and it's not the easiest name to spell, but you got that right! You mispelled my first name. If my given name was William, but went by Bill, why would you print Will on the certificate? Even HR knows I don't go by Will.
I know these things are cheesy and aren't really worth the paper they are printed on, but is it too much to ask that someone proof reads these things? This goes for HR as well, as I know you had them in your hands a week or so before it was presented to me. Would it have hurt to check the spelling?
This is the longest I've worked for one company. Ten years is a long time for just about anyone this day and age. Would it hurt to TRY to make an effort to get things right for employees who do actually care about their job and the company?
See you in hell!
Sclaffer
ETA: Oh... and it doesn't help matters much that when I showed the HR people that they just laughed about it. Sure they said that they would take care of it, but I'm sure as hell certain that if they mispelled your name, you wouldn't be laughing as much.
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Wooderson
Fight The Power
Deer next door cube mate:
You are 26 years old. Have no life outside of work and do nothing all day at work. You are at level 5 billion at WOW I know cause this is all you can talk about. NO ONE CARES!!
Please tell me you have more then 1 pair of black sweat pants. I don't want to believe that you put the same pair on your 300lb's + body everyday.
So you like to smoke fine whatever. But besides the additional breaks you get you also have to piss me off by bringing in you stale smoke jacket in the office. WASH THE DAMN THING.
In closing NO I do not want to go with you to the pizza or Chinese buffet.
You make me sick
Wooderson
PS Don't pretend that going Frisbee golfing twice a summer is great exercise.
You are 26 years old. Have no life outside of work and do nothing all day at work. You are at level 5 billion at WOW I know cause this is all you can talk about. NO ONE CARES!!
Please tell me you have more then 1 pair of black sweat pants. I don't want to believe that you put the same pair on your 300lb's + body everyday.
So you like to smoke fine whatever. But besides the additional breaks you get you also have to piss me off by bringing in you stale smoke jacket in the office. WASH THE DAMN THING.
In closing NO I do not want to go with you to the pizza or Chinese buffet.
You make me sick
Wooderson
PS Don't pretend that going Frisbee golfing twice a summer is great exercise.
Colin Dowling
Footballguy
Excellent idea. I would go to Sourceforge.net and implement either PLigg (digg clone) or DJTonight (Reddit clone) so that the voting/promotion of stories is automated.
Statorama
gangster
Hello fellow cube-dweller!
When you have your headphones on, please don't have the volume at concert level. While I appreciate the fact that you were somehow able to download the collected works of AC/DC onto your knockoff IPOD, I don't appreciate the bone rattling emissions that vibrate out of your ear pillows.
Thanks!
When you have your headphones on, please don't have the volume at concert level. While I appreciate the fact that you were somehow able to download the collected works of AC/DC onto your knockoff IPOD, I don't appreciate the bone rattling emissions that vibrate out of your ear pillows.
Thanks!
O'Halloran
Footballguy
hmm, This could be me. Except the smoking jacket
O'Halloran
Footballguy
Exchange the sweatpants for jeans. I wouldn't wear sweatpants to the office.You have more then one pair of sweatpants right?
This is a great thread. It reminds me how lucky I am to work on construction sites, away from offices, cubicles, multiple female coworkers. I know that sometimes a good lookin' girl is nice to have around the office. But if I want to see a hot chick, I can look at porn online all day long.
Plus, most conflict resolution is solved with shouting matches and the occasional fist fight. If I don't like someone, I can be perfectly obvious about it or request that he/she leave my jobsite at any time.
I love my job. Thanks to the FBGs that are reinforcing that for me.
Plus, most conflict resolution is solved with shouting matches and the occasional fist fight. If I don't like someone, I can be perfectly obvious about it or request that he/she leave my jobsite at any time.
I love my job. Thanks to the FBGs that are reinforcing that for me.
belljr
Footballguy
Dear co-worker with the legos and tonka trucks outside your desk:
You are what 4 cubes over? I don't need to hear every phone conversation you have with your mother, which happens to be 8 times a day. Your an older guy and if she's sick I apologize but 8 TIMES!!!!! That horrible whiney voice you have doesn't help either when you act like Mr. Know It All.
DO you really need to change out the featured tonka truck of the week? Seriously? I mean every week you spend time arranging that God awful toy display. I have half a mind to just go Godzilla on them all and be done with it. And just when I thought you couldn't top your "strangeness", you came through in the clutch. You crying and the look of horror on the other guy's face as you gave him a big hug because he was leaving was priceless. I'll never forget that image.
By the way, Disney Winnie the Pooh Jean Jackets are no longer in style.
This is an office, not Santa's workshop!!!
- belljr
You are what 4 cubes over? I don't need to hear every phone conversation you have with your mother, which happens to be 8 times a day. Your an older guy and if she's sick I apologize but 8 TIMES!!!!! That horrible whiney voice you have doesn't help either when you act like Mr. Know It All.
DO you really need to change out the featured tonka truck of the week? Seriously? I mean every week you spend time arranging that God awful toy display. I have half a mind to just go Godzilla on them all and be done with it. And just when I thought you couldn't top your "strangeness", you came through in the clutch. You crying and the look of horror on the other guy's face as you gave him a big hug because he was leaving was priceless. I'll never forget that image.
By the way, Disney Winnie the Pooh Jean Jackets are no longer in style.
This is an office, not Santa's workshop!!!
- belljr
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Uncle Humuna
Footballguy
Hey Mr. Loud-enough-so-the-whole-room-can hear,
So, you wish you had a pregnant wife so you could take off at 4?
Try getting in at 7 and not taking a lunch ###-hole.
I'm leaving an hour earlier than you, but I'm putting in an hour more of work . . .
**** head.
So, you wish you had a pregnant wife so you could take off at 4?
Try getting in at 7 and not taking a lunch ###-hole.
I'm leaving an hour earlier than you, but I'm putting in an hour more of work . . .
**** head.
Schubert Dip
Footballguy
Dear ugly fat ##### in QA.
News Bulletin:
You don't run the department, I don't work for you, & I don't care what you want.
Do your ####### job, and let me do mine.
Oh, and by the way, you can save the "hurt feelings" and "I'm sensitive" crap -
you're a bull in a ####### china shop
News Bulletin:
You don't run the department, I don't work for you, & I don't care what you want.
Do your ####### job, and let me do mine.
Oh, and by the way, you can save the "hurt feelings" and "I'm sensitive" crap -
you're a bull in a ####### china shop
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
Dear dude in the crapper,
I don't know what you were up to in there, but anything that sounds that much like jerking off is probably not something you want to be doing at work.
Frictionally yours,
SM
I don't know what you were up to in there, but anything that sounds that much like jerking off is probably not something you want to be doing at work.
Frictionally yours,
SM
CRay
Footballguy
Dear pod mate:
Just an fyi, buddy…that can of compressed air shoots air out, it doesn’t suck anything up. It’s not a ####ing dust rag. Seriously, once you started spraying you were actually giddy and wouldn’t stop. What the #### is wrong with you? The noise of the can only amplified that mild deafness condition you have and you didn’t hear the rest of us yelling at you to stop. Thanks for the dust cloud you floated over my cube, jackhole. Can’t wait to return the favor.
Cheerio,
CRay
Just an fyi, buddy…that can of compressed air shoots air out, it doesn’t suck anything up. It’s not a ####ing dust rag. Seriously, once you started spraying you were actually giddy and wouldn’t stop. What the #### is wrong with you? The noise of the can only amplified that mild deafness condition you have and you didn’t hear the rest of us yelling at you to stop. Thanks for the dust cloud you floated over my cube, jackhole. Can’t wait to return the favor.
Cheerio,
CRay
Jersey Joe
Footballguy
Dear "I can't make a ####ing decision on my own"
You don't need to contact the owner of the company to order paper.
By this post, I hearby empower you with that authority.
Thank you,
Joe
You don't need to contact the owner of the company to order paper.
By this post, I hearby empower you with that authority.
Thank you,
Joe
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
Dear Dramatic Lady,
You didn't follow through the first dozen times you went nuts and said you couldn't take it anymore and you were leaving. Why do you think anyone would take you seriously this time?
Buck up, Sparky.
SM
You didn't follow through the first dozen times you went nuts and said you couldn't take it anymore and you were leaving. Why do you think anyone would take you seriously this time?
Buck up, Sparky.
SM
Print Is Dead
Footballguy
Dear office-mates,
None of you are here today. Is there a bomb threat I wasn't informed of?
Worriedly,
Print Is Dead
None of you are here today. Is there a bomb threat I wasn't informed of?
Worriedly,
Print Is Dead
The Juggernaut
The Man. The Myth
Just throw it in the trash. He'll get the hint.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Dear Co-Human:
You're lucky: the "patchy beard" is back in style!
Shave,
NT
You're lucky: the "patchy beard" is back in style!
Shave,
NT
Miss Fancy Pants
Footballguy
Dear coworker who doesn't understand the concept of inside voices,
I do not want to hear your conversations at all, nor do I wish to hear them 6 times over as you tell your husband, sister, mother, children, lady who works two floors down from us and then when you saunter over to my cube and tell them to me!! Please shut up, shut up, SHUT UP before I am forced to come over there and shove your entire phone receiver into your mouth.
Also stop complaining that you have too much work to do when you just sit on the phone and chat all damn day!
Peace out, and SHUT UP!
I do not want to hear your conversations at all, nor do I wish to hear them 6 times over as you tell your husband, sister, mother, children, lady who works two floors down from us and then when you saunter over to my cube and tell them to me!! Please shut up, shut up, SHUT UP before I am forced to come over there and shove your entire phone receiver into your mouth.
Also stop complaining that you have too much work to do when you just sit on the phone and chat all damn day!
Peace out, and SHUT UP!
Ditkaless Wonders
Footballguy
XXXXXXXXX- Yes you were a spanking hot raven tressed beauty even before you purchased your boob upgrade. Yes, they are spectacular, but do you have to be so hurtful with them. The low cut tops coupled with the short flouncy skirts and cowboy boots are just too much. I'm a married man and can't be exposed to such adversity on a daily basis. Would you place a steak just beyond the reach of the chain of a starving dog? You are cruel and hateful.
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Dear assistant,
While I do love sitting a short distance from you every work day you make it extremely hard for me to accomplish any of my work. Your perfect breasts that you highlight with those nice lowcut shirts, the short skirts, and the incredible way you fling your hair while you work. I feel sometimes I should be watching Playboy TV instead of doing my job. I especially love when you come over to talk to me at my desk and squat down so we can be eye to eye. Oh yes I do love that.
Yours in fellatio,
CicncyKid
While I do love sitting a short distance from you every work day you make it extremely hard for me to accomplish any of my work. Your perfect breasts that you highlight with those nice lowcut shirts, the short skirts, and the incredible way you fling your hair while you work. I feel sometimes I should be watching Playboy TV instead of doing my job. I especially love when you come over to talk to me at my desk and squat down so we can be eye to eye. Oh yes I do love that.
Yours in fellatio,
CicncyKid
Wooderson
Fight The Power
After 4 days straight of black sweat pants the guy broke out a grey pair today. Since it's Friday grey must be has casual pants.
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The Noid
Avoid me!
Dear Dense Employees,
When I send out repeated communications warning you about personal calls because I occasionally monitor and record you for QA, I am not lying and/or bluffing. I really do it and I hear things you probably don’t want your boss to hear, or anyone to know. Things I have heard about:
- A male employee betting a female employee that her boobs are not real and their agreement to meet in the parking lot at lunch so she could show him in his car.
- An employee trying to score Perkasets for $5 a pill by calling various “connections”
- An employee discussing with another employee how each of them are cheating to make their productivity look better
- An employee calling up her baby-sitter and asking to let her hear her son getting smacked on the rear for something his teacher said he did
- An employee discussing leaving work hours early, unapproved, with his girlfriend so they can get it on
- A female employee pleading with her scrub of an ex-boyfriend to take her back
- An employee and her boyfriend discussing moving Christmas to the 27th so they can use the day-after sales to buy presents since they are so deep in debt
I don’t go into specifics when I address this issue with you, so maybe you assume the “personal calls” I’m disciplining you about were innocent, but you’re wrong.
Eavesdroppingly Yours,
The Noid
When I send out repeated communications warning you about personal calls because I occasionally monitor and record you for QA, I am not lying and/or bluffing. I really do it and I hear things you probably don’t want your boss to hear, or anyone to know. Things I have heard about:
- A male employee betting a female employee that her boobs are not real and their agreement to meet in the parking lot at lunch so she could show him in his car.
- An employee trying to score Perkasets for $5 a pill by calling various “connections”
- An employee discussing with another employee how each of them are cheating to make their productivity look better
- An employee calling up her baby-sitter and asking to let her hear her son getting smacked on the rear for something his teacher said he did
- An employee discussing leaving work hours early, unapproved, with his girlfriend so they can get it on
- A female employee pleading with her scrub of an ex-boyfriend to take her back
- An employee and her boyfriend discussing moving Christmas to the 27th so they can use the day-after sales to buy presents since they are so deep in debt
I don’t go into specifics when I address this issue with you, so maybe you assume the “personal calls” I’m disciplining you about were innocent, but you’re wrong.
Eavesdroppingly Yours,
The Noid
Miss Fancy Pants
Footballguy
It's LeSENZA not LaSana. CHRIST
BroadwayG
Footballguy
What's LeSENZA?It's LeSENZA not LaSana. CHRIST
Miss Fancy Pants
Footballguy
it's a store where you can buy underwear and thigns for ladies and there is one for kids where you can buy clothes. Mainly in Canada I would guess. Apparently my co worker who doesn't understand indoor voices can only buy her daughter jeans there since they don't fit from any other store.What's LeSENZA?It's LeSENZA not LaSana. CHRIST
Mrs. BSR
Footballguy
That was different.
Giants2003
Footballguy
Thanks for this suggestion Colin. I installed PLigg on the site and made some customizations over the weekend so voting is automated now. There's also an RSS feed that you can subscribe to. Everyone please try out the site and let me know if you have any suggestions to make it better.
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Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Woman:
What's the opposite of cute? Okay. That's what your nephew is. Stop showing me pictures of it.
NT
What's the opposite of cute? Okay. That's what your nephew is. Stop showing me pictures of it.
NT
Sack-Religious
Footballguy
Dear urinal spitter;
Apparently you feel the need to spit when you pee. If you miss getting it in the actual urinal, which you always do, could you please have the decency to wipe it off before you leave? I love stepping up to the urinal and seeing the multi-coloured loogie you left behind.
Phlegmilly yours,
S-R
Apparently you feel the need to spit when you pee. If you miss getting it in the actual urinal, which you always do, could you please have the decency to wipe it off before you leave? I love stepping up to the urinal and seeing the multi-coloured loogie you left behind.
Phlegmilly yours,
S-R
CRay
Footballguy
Dear fat-### cube-mate to my right:
Despite what you might think, I do not need a daily update of your progress on Master Cleanse.
I applaud your efforts to “start anew” during Lent, but, seriously, keep your GI issues to yourself. And yes, I can hear you when you think you’re “low-talking” to the guy next to you.
Thanks
Despite what you might think, I do not need a daily update of your progress on Master Cleanse.
I applaud your efforts to “start anew” during Lent, but, seriously, keep your GI issues to yourself. And yes, I can hear you when you think you’re “low-talking” to the guy next to you.
Thanks
mr. furley
Footballguy
Dear Guy,
It's a ONE-MAN bathroom. Yes there is both a urinal and a stall with a toilet. That does NOT mean that two of us can use it at the same time. There are FOUR guys in this office. FOUR. You can wait a few minutes for me to finish up.
Don't walk in while i'm taking care of my post-lunch expulsion and then complain about how bad it smells because you not only #1, but then wash your hands like a surgeon, dry them like a compulsive and then check each nose hair individually in the mirror.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ####ING SMELL THEN DON'T COME IN THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A ####!!!!!!!!!
Thanks.
It's a ONE-MAN bathroom. Yes there is both a urinal and a stall with a toilet. That does NOT mean that two of us can use it at the same time. There are FOUR guys in this office. FOUR. You can wait a few minutes for me to finish up.
Don't walk in while i'm taking care of my post-lunch expulsion and then complain about how bad it smells because you not only #1, but then wash your hands like a surgeon, dry them like a compulsive and then check each nose hair individually in the mirror.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ####ING SMELL THEN DON'T COME IN THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A ####!!!!!!!!!
Thanks.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
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