saintfool
Dead sexy
that's ####### awesome! you can bet i would smile brightly knowing that i just rubbed one out...
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A note to my coworker ... (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Nigel Tufnel
- Start date
bakes
I am the Beer God!
Draftnik
Footballguy
Update: No untoward advances from this one in over a month and there's a big bouquet of flowers in her office today
But, she's definitely the type to send flowers to herself... 
Print Is Dead
Footballguy
Dearest no-taste-in-food-lady,
I finally caved and went to that sushi place you've been talking up for over a year, and now I'm questioning whether you were born without taste buds.
I'm off to vomit,
PID
I finally caved and went to that sushi place you've been talking up for over a year, and now I'm questioning whether you were born without taste buds.
I'm off to vomit,
PID
mr. furley
Footballguy
Dear Boss,
You miserable ####ing #####. You just got back from a 1-week tropical vacation. How is it possible that within 10 seconds of coming in to the office this morning that you are already in a miserable mood??
Your condescending, smugness, makes me want to set your office on fire.
When i come in for my annual review next year you had better not ####ing tell me that i need to "learn to communicate better with my teammates". ESPECIALLY not after i told you that the reason i DON'T talk to them is because 2 of them are out and out bigots who have no fear of sharing their opinions. And the other is, forgive me for saying this, "simple". The man launches into non-sequiturs mid-conversation and can't complete the sentence without talklaughing which renders everything past the 6th word, unintelligible.
YOU TRY HOLDING A CONVERSATION WITH THESE MORONS!
And please, don't tell me that the the hours of conversation they have everyday is "good for team-building". Maybe you should pay more attention to what goes on in your office instead of closing the door all day only to come out once in a while to remind us why we're stupid. Then you'd understand that spending even 5 minutes day with these people is enough to make one homicidal.
Please do us all a favor and walk in to traffic.
Cordially,
Furley
You miserable ####ing #####. You just got back from a 1-week tropical vacation. How is it possible that within 10 seconds of coming in to the office this morning that you are already in a miserable mood??
Your condescending, smugness, makes me want to set your office on fire.
When i come in for my annual review next year you had better not ####ing tell me that i need to "learn to communicate better with my teammates". ESPECIALLY not after i told you that the reason i DON'T talk to them is because 2 of them are out and out bigots who have no fear of sharing their opinions. And the other is, forgive me for saying this, "simple". The man launches into non-sequiturs mid-conversation and can't complete the sentence without talklaughing which renders everything past the 6th word, unintelligible.
YOU TRY HOLDING A CONVERSATION WITH THESE MORONS!
And please, don't tell me that the the hours of conversation they have everyday is "good for team-building". Maybe you should pay more attention to what goes on in your office instead of closing the door all day only to come out once in a while to remind us why we're stupid. Then you'd understand that spending even 5 minutes day with these people is enough to make one homicidal.
Please do us all a favor and walk in to traffic.
Cordially,
Furley
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SeveredHorseHeads
Footballguy
Please god stop heating up fish in the ####### microwave. It stinks up the entire floor. Why in god's name would you put something into your mouth that smells so bad that you have to go get an air freshener to cover the smell? Seriously, was the garbage empty? Couldn't find something to munch on in there? All out of rotting carcases and decided to go with some delicious microwaved fish?
What is wrong with you people,
SHH
What is wrong with you people,
SHH
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
Yeah, this shtick has run its course. I like the cat, though.TannerBoyle said:Dear Coworkers,Feel free to help yourself to the homemade fudge in the lounge.Tanner.
L5UT1ger
Footballguy
Dear Fellow Employee,
Yes, I know that you have abnormally large tatas for such a skinny body. Yes, I know that you have flowing, natural, distinctly colored hair. However, please dont mistake the fact that you wear tight shirts to work as a free pass to missing at least one day a week. No, I will not hold back my work so that you can catch up like I did when I first started here. I am getting tired of doing twice the work so as we can both enjoy a summer of laziness by the boss' pool. I realize that I will be able to enjoy looking at your pillows, but really, I am happily seeing someone and I can see those on the internet in about two shakes of a lamb's tail, plus they dont come with that hideous jacked up tooth you sport or annoying self importance you put forward.
Moreover, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND! I dont care that you went to some family wedding and your family was sooo much more classy than the other family. I dont care if the folks getting married choose to have the Groomsmen's vest match the Bridesmaid's dresses. I dont care if they all danced to the "come on ride that train" song. I get that you are uppity and think that because your 9th cousin is some sort of CEO for a construction company that makes you some sort of important person in your own mind. However, here is the the thing, this doesnt change the fact that you have no true blood relation to those people.
Finally, you graduated professional school. Congratulations. So did I and, honestly, it is not some huge accomplishment. I have met smarter and more dedicated folks countless times throughout my life. You are not special in any fashion, so quit acting like you are God's gift to pretty much everyone.
I hope that this message finds you with a permanent case of the shut the #### ups.
Sincerely Yours,
L5UT1ger
P.S. Get a tan before we go to the pool this summer you worthless meat sack.
Yes, I know that you have abnormally large tatas for such a skinny body. Yes, I know that you have flowing, natural, distinctly colored hair. However, please dont mistake the fact that you wear tight shirts to work as a free pass to missing at least one day a week. No, I will not hold back my work so that you can catch up like I did when I first started here. I am getting tired of doing twice the work so as we can both enjoy a summer of laziness by the boss' pool. I realize that I will be able to enjoy looking at your pillows, but really, I am happily seeing someone and I can see those on the internet in about two shakes of a lamb's tail, plus they dont come with that hideous jacked up tooth you sport or annoying self importance you put forward.
Moreover, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND! I dont care that you went to some family wedding and your family was sooo much more classy than the other family. I dont care if the folks getting married choose to have the Groomsmen's vest match the Bridesmaid's dresses. I dont care if they all danced to the "come on ride that train" song. I get that you are uppity and think that because your 9th cousin is some sort of CEO for a construction company that makes you some sort of important person in your own mind. However, here is the the thing, this doesnt change the fact that you have no true blood relation to those people.
Finally, you graduated professional school. Congratulations. So did I and, honestly, it is not some huge accomplishment. I have met smarter and more dedicated folks countless times throughout my life. You are not special in any fashion, so quit acting like you are God's gift to pretty much everyone.
I hope that this message finds you with a permanent case of the shut the #### ups.
Sincerely Yours,
L5UT1ger
P.S. Get a tan before we go to the pool this summer you worthless meat sack.
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Cunk
Footballguy
Dear Jean,
Thanks for letting me know that we have to be really careful about making mistakes. I'm glad I had a pen to write that down. It's not insulting at all when you take your inexperienced mouth and tell me that we need to be sending the client the most updated version of the program even when I've been here for close to 10 years.
It's also nice to have to waste time listening to your concerns which shouldn't be concerns at all. Nice work copying the boss on the email where you point out there were a lot of spelling errors on some graphics. I can't wait until he comes in here and tells me we have to be really careful. Oh wait. YOU did the text for the graphics. Boy, you'd really think that I did them seeing how you worded your email. Seeing they are in your native language which I don't know you may want to take that finger and turn it around.
It's funny because people think you are an asset to the company. That's because they don't work with you. They don't realize how heavily you lean on others to make your incompetent ### look good. Hey when's the last time you actually came into work? Your working from home is a friggin' joke. You are not fooling me. But I guess it doesn't really matter for you seeing that your husband is the president of the company.
You sure have everyone fooled here. Except for one person. You and you alone are forcing me to look elsewhere.
Thanks for letting me know that we have to be really careful about making mistakes. I'm glad I had a pen to write that down. It's not insulting at all when you take your inexperienced mouth and tell me that we need to be sending the client the most updated version of the program even when I've been here for close to 10 years.
It's also nice to have to waste time listening to your concerns which shouldn't be concerns at all. Nice work copying the boss on the email where you point out there were a lot of spelling errors on some graphics. I can't wait until he comes in here and tells me we have to be really careful. Oh wait. YOU did the text for the graphics. Boy, you'd really think that I did them seeing how you worded your email. Seeing they are in your native language which I don't know you may want to take that finger and turn it around.
It's funny because people think you are an asset to the company. That's because they don't work with you. They don't realize how heavily you lean on others to make your incompetent ### look good. Hey when's the last time you actually came into work? Your working from home is a friggin' joke. You are not fooling me. But I guess it doesn't really matter for you seeing that your husband is the president of the company.
You sure have everyone fooled here. Except for one person. You and you alone are forcing me to look elsewhere.
Sack-Religious
Footballguy
You did it again, Mother-####er! You did it again!I swear to God that if I ever catch you in the act, I will wring your neck.
Cordially,
S-R
Mrs. BSR
Footballguy
Just so you know, I popped some popcorn in the microwave yesterday and did NOT burn it.
Sack-Religious
Footballguy
Dude, my co-worker
Is the female equivalent of your co-worker.
Capn Crunch
Footballguy
Dear Seadog
Just because it's called the poop deck does not mean it's fine for you to leave brown piles all over it. I have a hard enough time battling the Soggies and keeping that pirate with a foot fetish the hell away from my recipe without your turds rolling around all over the Good Ship Guppy. Carlyle has informed me that the next time he finds one of your dog rockets he's going to personally stuff it back up inside of you so far that your nose will grow six inches. Please stand on the masthead and drop loaves for the fishes like everyone else.
Sincerely,
Captain Horatio M. Crunch.
Just because it's called the poop deck does not mean it's fine for you to leave brown piles all over it. I have a hard enough time battling the Soggies and keeping that pirate with a foot fetish the hell away from my recipe without your turds rolling around all over the Good Ship Guppy. Carlyle has informed me that the next time he finds one of your dog rockets he's going to personally stuff it back up inside of you so far that your nose will grow six inches. Please stand on the masthead and drop loaves for the fishes like everyone else.
Sincerely,
Captain Horatio M. Crunch.
pricklypete
Footballguy
Ms. Chubby McFatburger,Obviously you didn't take my joke as advice since you are your usual, nagging, miserable self.If it wouldn't be such a pain to hire and train a new secretary, you'd be out on your Epcot Centeresque, dimply ###. When you 'scolded' me for 'slamming' the top of the copy machine, I meant everything I said. It felt good to finally tell you to get yourself a man so you can nag at home, because I don't want to hear it. Also, your new hairstyle makes you look like a two-legged, morbidly obese poodle. Enjoy the buffet,PP
Disco Stu
Confirmed FBGal
Dear Bossity-boss-man,
Please ease back on the active listening. Just let people talk and kindly shut TF up.
During a recent meeting, I was bored out of my mind and started tracking each instance. In less than ten minutes you managed an impressive 28 in the "sure/yep" category, along with 6 "oks", and 15 "rights". You also mixed in 5 "absolutelies".
Thank you for the entertainment, but please don't feel the need to continue on my account.
respectully yours,
Stu
P.S. This habit of yours might have something to do with why people always come away from conversations with you assuming that you agreed with everything they said. Distancing in hindsight is in poor form.
Please ease back on the active listening. Just let people talk and kindly shut TF up.
During a recent meeting, I was bored out of my mind and started tracking each instance. In less than ten minutes you managed an impressive 28 in the "sure/yep" category, along with 6 "oks", and 15 "rights". You also mixed in 5 "absolutelies".
Thank you for the entertainment, but please don't feel the need to continue on my account.
respectully yours,
Stu
P.S. This habit of yours might have something to do with why people always come away from conversations with you assuming that you agreed with everything they said. Distancing in hindsight is in poor form.
adonis
Footballguy
By any chance is he asian or indian?
Disco Stu
Confirmed FBGal
Nope. Generic white guy.
Joe T
Footballguy
lofl and I don't even get this...
mr. id
Footballguy
errDude, my co-workerIs the female equivalent of your co-worker.
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Barry Jive and The Uptown Five
Footballguy
Dear Boss,
Thanks so much for the "meets expectations" grade during my year-end review. I know that I completed 3 major projects this year, managing them independently for the most part while you, instead of supervising me, were off on your "other" projects. I know that I stepped up and filled additional holes, covering other projects when some of my co-workers left the company. I know that all the objectives we established for the beginning of the year were met and then some.
But yet, you give me the "meets expectations" rating (read 3 on a 1-5 scale), just like every other buffoon at my same position in the group. Nevermind the fact that every other time we speak on the phone you complain about my peers' lack of motivation, unwillingness to take ownership, inability to meet their deadlines, constant complaining and nagging about how difficult their life at work is.
I'm sorry if it surprised you that I was more than a little upset with the "average" rating, despite your best efforts to tell me that "average" is a good thing. I'm sorry if I don't agree with your explanation that it doesn't matter that you delivered more for the business than my peers because "us in management, we expect more from you than from them." I'm sorry that I'm pissed over getting the "average" mark as raises and bonuses are tied directly to the rating.
Make sure to come back the next time you need to be bailed out of a pinch because the rest of my "meets expactations" colleagues have left you in a bind. I'll make sure to let you know that I can't take on those extra, unassigned tasks for fear that I might not be able to meet the expectations on my project.
So boss, take a look at your "average" person in your neighborhood Wal-mart, boss. Maybe then you'll understand why I get p.o.'ed whenever someone calls me average.
Signed,
Meets Expectations My ###
Thanks so much for the "meets expectations" grade during my year-end review. I know that I completed 3 major projects this year, managing them independently for the most part while you, instead of supervising me, were off on your "other" projects. I know that I stepped up and filled additional holes, covering other projects when some of my co-workers left the company. I know that all the objectives we established for the beginning of the year were met and then some.
But yet, you give me the "meets expectations" rating (read 3 on a 1-5 scale), just like every other buffoon at my same position in the group. Nevermind the fact that every other time we speak on the phone you complain about my peers' lack of motivation, unwillingness to take ownership, inability to meet their deadlines, constant complaining and nagging about how difficult their life at work is.
I'm sorry if it surprised you that I was more than a little upset with the "average" rating, despite your best efforts to tell me that "average" is a good thing. I'm sorry if I don't agree with your explanation that it doesn't matter that you delivered more for the business than my peers because "us in management, we expect more from you than from them." I'm sorry that I'm pissed over getting the "average" mark as raises and bonuses are tied directly to the rating.
Make sure to come back the next time you need to be bailed out of a pinch because the rest of my "meets expactations" colleagues have left you in a bind. I'll make sure to let you know that I can't take on those extra, unassigned tasks for fear that I might not be able to meet the expectations on my project.
So boss, take a look at your "average" person in your neighborhood Wal-mart, boss. Maybe then you'll understand why I get p.o.'ed whenever someone calls me average.
Signed,
Meets Expectations My ###
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Disco Stu
Confirmed FBGal
Dear Boss,
"Exceeds expectations" again? How is that possible?
Exactly how low are expectations in this organization? I apply myself roughly 5 hours per week. The rest of the time is spent on this message board.
I regularly leave work thinking "god, I did nothing productive today", and yet apparently others are happy with the "work" I'm doing. Bizarre.
Signed,
Once again shuked by the glowing reviews
"Exceeds expectations" again? How is that possible?
Exactly how low are expectations in this organization? I apply myself roughly 5 hours per week. The rest of the time is spent on this message board.
I regularly leave work thinking "god, I did nothing productive today", and yet apparently others are happy with the "work" I'm doing. Bizarre.
Signed,
Once again shuked by the glowing reviews
Spladow!
Footballguy
Dear coworker,
I understand you love to flick your boogers on the bathroom stall door. however, your masterpieces are really starting to gross everyone out. Please take some kind of art class if you're really interested in becoming the next Jackson Pollock of snot flicking.
I understand you love to flick your boogers on the bathroom stall door. however, your masterpieces are really starting to gross everyone out. Please take some kind of art class if you're really interested in becoming the next Jackson Pollock of snot flicking.
I could have written the exact same thing.
Cunk
Footballguy
Dear Boss,
You know that thing that's called a yearly review? You know, the one where I get more money? Well, could you maybe give it to me? It's only a month and a half late this year. You've still got 3 months to beat last year's review.
p.s. Isn't it fun knowing that I'm really doing all the work and your the one making the money? Isn't also cool how you can barge in and tell me to change something and I have to do it even though my idea is better?
Thanks,
Cunk
You know that thing that's called a yearly review? You know, the one where I get more money? Well, could you maybe give it to me? It's only a month and a half late this year. You've still got 3 months to beat last year's review.
p.s. Isn't it fun knowing that I'm really doing all the work and your the one making the money? Isn't also cool how you can barge in and tell me to change something and I have to do it even though my idea is better?
Thanks,
Cunk
Incogneto
Footballguy
MF'ing
Jayded
Footballguy
Dear glorified secretary,
#### you and this new attitude of yours. I'm sorry that lately you've had an inflated sense of self-worth due to a title change, but you're still the secretary and you still need to do YOUR JOB when I ask you to do something that falls under your job description. A reply of, "*sigh* Just give me the ####### message already!" is not an acceptable reply when I ask you to do something for me nicely.
Also, when I come to your desk and say that the boss has asked you to do something, an acceptable reply is not, "Well he can ####### wait. I'm busy."
Seriously, get off your high horse or I'll knock you off it myself and make an example out of you in front of the entire company.
Love,
Jayded
#### you and this new attitude of yours. I'm sorry that lately you've had an inflated sense of self-worth due to a title change, but you're still the secretary and you still need to do YOUR JOB when I ask you to do something that falls under your job description. A reply of, "*sigh* Just give me the ####### message already!" is not an acceptable reply when I ask you to do something for me nicely.
Also, when I come to your desk and say that the boss has asked you to do something, an acceptable reply is not, "Well he can ####### wait. I'm busy."
Seriously, get off your high horse or I'll knock you off it myself and make an example out of you in front of the entire company.
Love,
Jayded
17seconds
root of all aliai
Dear coworker,
Your "golly shucks" attitude makes me want to choke you. The fact that you combined a funny customer project codename, "Warbler", with your term for making comments, "Niggles", and generated a document entitled "Niggles on the Warbler" is not endearing or cute. Neither is sharing your observation that "Mr. Murphy has entered the building and is enacting legislation". You are an incredible dork.
Regards,
Me
Your "golly shucks" attitude makes me want to choke you. The fact that you combined a funny customer project codename, "Warbler", with your term for making comments, "Niggles", and generated a document entitled "Niggles on the Warbler" is not endearing or cute. Neither is sharing your observation that "Mr. Murphy has entered the building and is enacting legislation". You are an incredible dork.
Regards,
Me
FatMax
Member
Hi Fred,
When you ask me when I'll be done with a drawing, and I tell you "Two hours", that does not mean you should come back and ask me the same question 15 minutes later. And 15 minutes after that. And 15 minutes after that. Oh, and if I want your opinions, trust me, I'll ask for them. You have a way of turning the simplest of projects into things that Einstein himself would not understand. And that isn't to say you're smart, or even close to it. Actually, you're quite stupid. I'm sure you know this however, because I and several other coworkers have told you this after we've lost our ability to control our emotions. Your persistence would be better suited for the special olympics. Your advice, opinions and comments are slightly less helpful that shoving an ice pick in my ear.
And Fred, I'm running out of ways to tell you to get the #### out of my office when you come to "help". The biggest way you could help me would be by going on vacation or finding a new job. Yeah, I know the owner likes you because you've been with the company for so long, but guess what ####er? This time next year, I'll be your boss and I promise you that my first executive decision will be to put your sorry ### in the bread line. So get ready ###hole, and best of luck being ineffective elsewhere.
Regards,
FatMax
When you ask me when I'll be done with a drawing, and I tell you "Two hours", that does not mean you should come back and ask me the same question 15 minutes later. And 15 minutes after that. And 15 minutes after that. Oh, and if I want your opinions, trust me, I'll ask for them. You have a way of turning the simplest of projects into things that Einstein himself would not understand. And that isn't to say you're smart, or even close to it. Actually, you're quite stupid. I'm sure you know this however, because I and several other coworkers have told you this after we've lost our ability to control our emotions. Your persistence would be better suited for the special olympics. Your advice, opinions and comments are slightly less helpful that shoving an ice pick in my ear.
And Fred, I'm running out of ways to tell you to get the #### out of my office when you come to "help". The biggest way you could help me would be by going on vacation or finding a new job. Yeah, I know the owner likes you because you've been with the company for so long, but guess what ####er? This time next year, I'll be your boss and I promise you that my first executive decision will be to put your sorry ### in the bread line. So get ready ###hole, and best of luck being ineffective elsewhere.
Regards,
FatMax
wadegarrett
FFA Legend™
Hi Bob,
Your job is being a driver. You are supposed to get from point A to point B as quickly, but safely as you can. When you are instructed to take a route that is inarguably faster, please do so. Don't stand in the office and argue "why do I have to go that way? Why cant I just take 108th st?"
"Because it is slower Bob."
"Maybe by a few minutes"
"As long as we agree now, have a nice drive"
Your job is being a driver. You are supposed to get from point A to point B as quickly, but safely as you can. When you are instructed to take a route that is inarguably faster, please do so. Don't stand in the office and argue "why do I have to go that way? Why cant I just take 108th st?"
"Because it is slower Bob."
"Maybe by a few minutes"
"As long as we agree now, have a nice drive"
Rhino
Footballguy
Dear Work-a-holic Project Manager,
I'm not impressed by the fact that you sent me an e-mail last night at 8:30pm. I know the Directors and the Practice Leaders are, and you're practically untouchable in this company because everyone admires your dedication and devotion. But I have a family, a life, and other things I enjoy doing outside work. I don't live for my job.
Incidentally, I've figured out why you work 16 hours a day - because you're so slow it takes you that long to get done what most people can do in 8 hours. When I ask a question please don't go on a 15 minute tangent about something complete irrelevant to the question I asked. THIS is why you have to work 16 hours a day - you piss half of it away on stuff that doesn't matter.
Ironically, I'm surfing a message board right now instead of working on the next site BEACUSE I'm waiting for you to get your #### together and give me what I need to do my job.
And then you have the stones to send an e-mail to the team and ask "If you can work this weekend please do..." Work THIS weekend? You do realize it's a fraking Holiday?!? Ever hear of EASTER? I'm not the most church-going, God-fearing man in the world, but this is kinda an important weekend to spend with your family...
"Yeah, sorry kids - I can't take you to the egg hunt on Sunday, Daddy has to work for the idiot that feels like the only thing that matters in life is his job."
No, sorry, I won't be working this weekend, Ed. Stuff it.
Love,
Rhino
I'm not impressed by the fact that you sent me an e-mail last night at 8:30pm. I know the Directors and the Practice Leaders are, and you're practically untouchable in this company because everyone admires your dedication and devotion. But I have a family, a life, and other things I enjoy doing outside work. I don't live for my job.
Incidentally, I've figured out why you work 16 hours a day - because you're so slow it takes you that long to get done what most people can do in 8 hours. When I ask a question please don't go on a 15 minute tangent about something complete irrelevant to the question I asked. THIS is why you have to work 16 hours a day - you piss half of it away on stuff that doesn't matter.
Ironically, I'm surfing a message board right now instead of working on the next site BEACUSE I'm waiting for you to get your #### together and give me what I need to do my job.
And then you have the stones to send an e-mail to the team and ask "If you can work this weekend please do..." Work THIS weekend? You do realize it's a fraking Holiday?!? Ever hear of EASTER? I'm not the most church-going, God-fearing man in the world, but this is kinda an important weekend to spend with your family...
"Yeah, sorry kids - I can't take you to the egg hunt on Sunday, Daddy has to work for the idiot that feels like the only thing that matters in life is his job."
No, sorry, I won't be working this weekend, Ed. Stuff it.
Love,
Rhino
Kung Fu Ballsac
Footballguy
Surprised this got by the language filter.
Cunk
Footballguy
This is just to thank all the producers who read but ignored the email one producer sent out yesterday asking for people not to bug me because her project was critical and had to be finished today.
Oh again boses wife. You know, some people work hard, have to go through many interviews to get a good job. They have to sacrafice to make the bosses and clients happy. They have to do a good job with a high level of quality and professionalism to stick around and to grow.
Just thought you might like to know this is how 99% of people have to earn success. I've got to hand it to you. You've done none of these and still enjoy the rewards of someone having done these. You must laugh at us sometimes.
Basically if I had to summarize what your life is like it would go like this
(in every situation on Earth)
You: "What do I do?!"
Everyone else on Earth: "Here I'll do it for you. Because if you do it I'll have to come back and fix it which will take more time than me just doing it in the first place".
You: "Did Althea make coffee?"
Oh again boses wife. You know, some people work hard, have to go through many interviews to get a good job. They have to sacrafice to make the bosses and clients happy. They have to do a good job with a high level of quality and professionalism to stick around and to grow.
Just thought you might like to know this is how 99% of people have to earn success. I've got to hand it to you. You've done none of these and still enjoy the rewards of someone having done these. You must laugh at us sometimes.
Basically if I had to summarize what your life is like it would go like this
(in every situation on Earth)
You: "What do I do?!"
Everyone else on Earth: "Here I'll do it for you. Because if you do it I'll have to come back and fix it which will take more time than me just doing it in the first place".
You: "Did Althea make coffee?"
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mr. furley
Footballguy
HEY! YOU! YEAH YOU! YOU ####ING IDIOT!
THE MICROWAVE BURNS POPCORN! YOU KNOW IT BURNS THE ####ING POPCORN! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ####ING POPCORN EVERY ####ING DAY! 
the #### microwave doesn't even pop half a bag! it barely even rises. it just smolders and reeks out the office. EVERY SINGLE ####ING AFTERNOON!
THE MICROWAVE BURNS POPCORN! YOU KNOW IT BURNS THE ####ING POPCORN! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ####ING POPCORN EVERY ####ING DAY!
the #### microwave doesn't even pop half a bag! it barely even rises. it just smolders and reeks out the office. EVERY SINGLE ####ING AFTERNOON!
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
Dude,Seriously, are you going to work with pruning shears down there? The urinal looks like a 70's porno. I just want to take a leak without having to worry about small animals attacking me from the underbrush.Yours in Christ,SM
mr. furley
Footballguy
Dear fat lady,
It was EIGHTY DEGREES yesterday. It's approximately 100 degrees in the office today since the maintenance guys didn't flip the switch, from heat to cool, until appx 8AM this morning. I am currently sweating through two shirts and have run through one bag of napkins used to soak up the sweat from my brow.
The central air system here at the office is working overtime to switch from heat to cool. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
PLEASE #### ABOUT IT BEING "COLD" IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!! Before i am forced to punch you in your fat mouth!
It was EIGHTY DEGREES yesterday. It's approximately 100 degrees in the office today since the maintenance guys didn't flip the switch, from heat to cool, until appx 8AM this morning. I am currently sweating through two shirts and have run through one bag of napkins used to soak up the sweat from my brow.
The central air system here at the office is working overtime to switch from heat to cool. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
PLEASE #### ABOUT IT BEING "COLD" IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!! Before i am forced to punch you in your fat mouth!
Pip's Invitation
Footballguy
Dear Father of Four,
Those of us who don't have kids have no desire to hear you talk about diaper changes and poop. ESPECIALLY at lunch. Please cease and desist.
Fecally yours,
PI
Dear Mr. Met,
We've worked together for almost nine years. You KNOW I'm a Phillies fan. Yet you still insist on interrupting my day with mindless blather about the Mets. Not even taunting or trash-talking -- that I could understand. But no, every day during baseball season you have to waste my time with useless Met info. I don't care how many wins Glavine has or how many steals the guy they just called up had in the minors.
Head for the park and greet my fist,
PI
Dear sales manager:
Please stop forwarding me announcements about irrelevant events in order to make yourself look busy or important. If I wanted your ideas about what we should cover, I'd ask you. The Nigerians who want my bank account numbers send more relevant emails than you do.
Spammily yours,
PI
Those of us who don't have kids have no desire to hear you talk about diaper changes and poop. ESPECIALLY at lunch. Please cease and desist.
Fecally yours,
PI
Dear Mr. Met,
We've worked together for almost nine years. You KNOW I'm a Phillies fan. Yet you still insist on interrupting my day with mindless blather about the Mets. Not even taunting or trash-talking -- that I could understand. But no, every day during baseball season you have to waste my time with useless Met info. I don't care how many wins Glavine has or how many steals the guy they just called up had in the minors.
Head for the park and greet my fist,
PI
Dear sales manager:
Please stop forwarding me announcements about irrelevant events in order to make yourself look busy or important. If I wanted your ideas about what we should cover, I'd ask you. The Nigerians who want my bank account numbers send more relevant emails than you do.
Spammily yours,
PI
Captain Quinoa
Footballguy
So let me get this straight. Your ex-boss -- the guy who found you sleeping on the job and subsequently fired you -- THIS is whom you choose to put down as a personal reference on your new job application? Wow... umm, not a great idea to say the least. I gotta say though, when The Good Lord was handing out sack he paid the extra buck-fitty to super-size yours.Fortunately for you, Walmart was able to look past all that and bring you on board. I'm sure you'll be management in no time.Meanwhile, can I get a pound of honey roasted turkey breast, thin sliced? Thanks, Champ.
mr. furley
Footballguy
Guy,
You seem like a decent enough guy but you've GOT TO STOP creeping up and standing 3 inches behind my chair before you start talking.
It's no that i'm spooked or scared. The whole situation is just uncomfortable and strange. I thought we had this situation solved after i started violently backing up in to your waist and legs but you seem to have sloughed it off.
When i acknowledge your presence and begin to turn my head there is no reason for you to continue standing there. And when i finally turn all the way around you should move more than 3 inches back. I can see AND hear you.
This whole alpha male thing you're pulling really isn't impressive or intimidating. It's just confusing and strange.
Let's just agree that you should stop before i deliver a crushing shot to your balls.
TIA
You seem like a decent enough guy but you've GOT TO STOP creeping up and standing 3 inches behind my chair before you start talking.
It's no that i'm spooked or scared. The whole situation is just uncomfortable and strange. I thought we had this situation solved after i started violently backing up in to your waist and legs but you seem to have sloughed it off.
When i acknowledge your presence and begin to turn my head there is no reason for you to continue standing there. And when i finally turn all the way around you should move more than 3 inches back. I can see AND hear you.
This whole alpha male thing you're pulling really isn't impressive or intimidating. It's just confusing and strange.
Let's just agree that you should stop before i deliver a crushing shot to your balls.
TIA
Bonfire
Footballguy
A lot of these are very funny...But for whatever reason I couldn't contain myself over this one and tried, unsuccessfully, to hold in a laughing fit that made me look like a crazy person to people in my office and had to close the site down and blame it on an email. Job well done sir.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Just overheard in a telephone conversation: "Yeah ... yeah ... you kind of get that era about him."
RedmondLonghorn
Footballguy
Just overheard in a telephone conversation: "Yeah ... yeah ... you kind of get that era about him."
PatsWillWin
Footballguy
CO-WORKERS: TAKE NOTE
I am done working on Friday the 13th (of July).
This impending departure has caused a number of policy changes that are taking effect immediately:
1. No more awkward half-smiles when I walk by you. You will cease to exist to me in two weeks, thus you can think what you want.
2. I will not adhere to obligatory behavioral guidelines during elevator rides. Such behavior includes, but is not limited too:
a. Quasi-laughs at lame elevator-related jokes i.e. "The elevator doesn't like us today, huh?" when the elevator seems to be taking 1/2 second longer than usual to get going.
b. Confirmation that the weather is indeed good/bad.
c. Eye contact of any kind.
d. Removal of my had and/or sunglasses and/or iPod.
e. Holding the elevator for you even if it's obvious that I see you coming.
3. My work will now be poorly done, incomplete, and late. Plan accordingly.
4. Voice-mails will go unheard, and some e-mails will go unread.
5. You will think that you notice me wearing some of the same clothes over and over. You will be correct.
6. You will see me in jeans and sneakers on days other than Friday. You can do nothing about this. I am impervious to your complains or disciplinary threats.
7. I'm not coming in tomorrow. Because I just don't feel like it.
Thank you. That is all.
I am done working on Friday the 13th (of July).
This impending departure has caused a number of policy changes that are taking effect immediately:
1. No more awkward half-smiles when I walk by you. You will cease to exist to me in two weeks, thus you can think what you want.
2. I will not adhere to obligatory behavioral guidelines during elevator rides. Such behavior includes, but is not limited too:
a. Quasi-laughs at lame elevator-related jokes i.e. "The elevator doesn't like us today, huh?" when the elevator seems to be taking 1/2 second longer than usual to get going.
b. Confirmation that the weather is indeed good/bad.
c. Eye contact of any kind.
d. Removal of my had and/or sunglasses and/or iPod.
e. Holding the elevator for you even if it's obvious that I see you coming.
3. My work will now be poorly done, incomplete, and late. Plan accordingly.
4. Voice-mails will go unheard, and some e-mails will go unread.
5. You will think that you notice me wearing some of the same clothes over and over. You will be correct.
6. You will see me in jeans and sneakers on days other than Friday. You can do nothing about this. I am impervious to your complains or disciplinary threats.
7. I'm not coming in tomorrow. Because I just don't feel like it.
Thank you. That is all.
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General Malaise
Footballguy
it's like the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer had moved to California and told George and Jerry he was staying. At the end, he just walks in the apartment like nothing had changed.WBGB!Just overheard in a telephone conversation: "Yeah ... yeah ... you kind of get that era about him."
General Malaise
Footballguy
Sack-Religious
Footballguy
You've been missed in it.I believe you owe a few more stories that you promised before a small vacation got in the way.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
it's like the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer had moved to California and told George and Jerry he was staying. At the end, he just walks in the apartment like nothing had changed.WBGB!Just overheard in a telephone conversation: "Yeah ... yeah ... you kind of get that era about him."
SeveredHorseHeads
Footballguy
Spectacular posting. I'm in the same situation (last day on Tuesday) and I am doing all these things and more.- I will now be working 6 and a half hour days. I will come in at 9:45 and leave at 4:15.
- Did you see that e-mail about some accounts that need to be revised? Were some of my accounts on there? Because I didn't even open that e-mail.
- See these three, 4 foot stacks of paper on my desk? I won't be filing those. Good luck with that.
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General Malaise
Footballguy
Gusto picked up a little slack, but since then, there's been some interesting developments here at work where electronic communication was tapped by higher ups and used to incriminate and fire. I'm not taking any chances right now, GB. But in time - probably a year from now - I've got material for days. Hell, I might have a book out of this whole thing.You've been missed in it.I believe you owe a few more stories that you promised before a small vacation got in the way.
General Malaise
Footballguy
wow. :whoosh: I love where this is going.
- I will now be working 6 and a half hour days. I will come in at 9:45 and leave at 4:15.
- Did you see that e-mail about some accounts that need to be revised? Were some of my accounts on there? Because I didn't even open that e-mail.
- See these three, 4 foot stacks of paper on my desk? I won't be filing those. Good luck with that.
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