Dear Eager Beaver -
Hey look, I was just as excited as you were yesterday morning when our boss's old business partner rolled into the office with a recent copy of
Playboy, featuring an aging but
still oh so sexy Carol Alt on the cover.
When he dropped the magazine off in the common area with the plastic sleeve still intact, we all drooled with anticipation of ripping that cover off, flipping furiously past the riveting articles, bland jokes and numerous holiday advertisements and diving straight into the pictures of the near 50 year old Alt; at long last naked and in the flesh.
To show our appreciation of his gesture, we listened politely as he regaled us with stories of days gone by and engaged him in conversation. Sure, we could have torn into the magazine and ignored him as he caught up with our boss and asked questions about the current market conditions. But we knew we'd all get our turn with Carol Alt, the identical twin Centerfolds and (my personal favorite)
Sex in Cinema in due time. Well, all of us EXCEPT YOU!!!
You just couldn't wait, could you? You jumped up from your chair, tore off the cover and, in an act of pure selfishness, sprinted into the bathroom and locked the door. Now maybe you just had to poop and you just couldn't wait to read up on the latest high tech gadgets or delve into that enticing interview with Hugh Jackman. I tend to call major BS on this being the case, but regardless of your motive, you are a disgusting, shameless, self serving pig of a man and I hope you got a paper cut on your crank. You do NOT take a fresh copy of Playboy that belongs to all of us into a locked bathroom. By the time I got it, I was dumbfounded that the pages weren't stuck together or ripped out in spots.
That prized treasure belonged to everybody. We all would have liked a turn at it before it was possibly soiled or tainted. Even if you didn't make sweet sweet love to Carol Alt, the mere fact that you snagged this gem like you were playing a game of "Capture the Flag" makes me want to send a box of gay porn to your house.
Butthole.
Season's Greetings,
REB