A note to my coworker ...

[SeveredHorseHeads 66]

Dear Slammer-Guy-

While I realize that you are a complete germ-a-phobe, who needs a paper towel to open the bathroom door on your way out, have you not yet realized that EVERYONE on this floor knows you as "Slammer"??? -Even the women??? Why,you ask??? Well, when you insist on lifting the toilet seat with your shoe every time you take a leak, only to again use your shoe to drop it Very loudly, startling the beejesus out of whomever may be sitting down in the next stall- People will tend to not like you.. Is your aim that bad that the gap at the front of the seat is not wide enough, so the entire seat gets soiled when you go, so you must lift the seat?? How about learning some aim, or Better yet, There are perfectly good urinals against the wall that are just waiting for your use.

I wouldn't even think about opening a bathroom door without a paper towel. I've seen too many guys handling their junk and then walk right out the door using that same handle...

Yeah, nothing get's through a paper towel. Do you touch any other surfaces during the day?

[Sack-Religious 0]

Dear lady that used to sit next to me;

Please stop cutting your nails at your desk during working hours. The click of the nail being cut followed by the "tink" the nail makes bouncing off your monitor makes me want to stab myself in the ear with scissors.

[Nigel Tufnel 1,829]

Ladies:

Dickey's Barbecue every day? Seriously? No wonder you look and smell the way you do.

[mr. furley 12,233]

To the lady who sits across from me:

Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!!

[Nigel Tufnel 1,829]

To the lady who sits across from me:Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!!

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvomit.

[Print Is Dead 1]

Dear people-in-other-office-on-this-conference-call,

It is very obvious to everyone else on the call when you mute the conference room phone. And we all know that the only reason to mute the phone during a conference call is to talk #### about other people on the call. Please talk #### over IM like civilized people.

[Nucular George 22]

Dear Co-worker,

Yes, I dearly love cleaning up your mistakes. Because I know that when I call you to talk about correcting your work, the standard answer is "It's been too long, someone else has to fix it." And thanks for not offering to call or tell me who to call, because that'd be too much strain on your time and would interupt the game of solitaire on your computer. Thanks so ####### much for your ####### help.

Eat my shorts,

Unhappy coworker of yours.

[Print Is Dead 1]

Eat my shorts,

I didn't know people still said this.

[SeveredHorseHeads 66]

To the lady who sits across from me:Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!!

Wow.

[Sputnikv8 491]

Dude across the hall,

It doesn't take that much time to use soap/water after dropping brown in the stall. Yeah. I notice. I notice that you don't wash and then go back to your desk and eat your fried fish-n-chips with your hands. Its just.... not cool. Dudes that take a leak and don't wash are bad enough. This is the worst.

Takes 15 extra seconds. Just do it.

[Gordo 71]

Dear co-worker:

I don't care about your fantasy football team. I really didn't need the 10 minute summary of your draft, including the fact that you got Ladanian Tomlinson with the 3rd pick. You drafted Daunte Culpepper? Really? I DON'T CARE!! Your league uses a fractional scoring system and you lost by .2 of a point. Tell me one more time about how you can't decide who your 2nd keeper should be.

[saintfool 2,759]

To the lady who sits across from me:

Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!! :lmao:

try this subtle hint...

[mr. furley 12,233]

To the lady who sits across from me:Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!! :lmao:

Wow.

yeah. this happens probably 3 times a month.she lives very close to the office and her husband is the building maintenance guy. they "go to lunch" a lot.

[mr. furley 12,233]

To the lady who sits across from me:

Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!!

try this subtle hint...

i'm always scared to click your links

[Nigel Tufnel 1,829]

I almost forgot. Stop telling me when you're going to the ladies' room or the kitchen or downstairs or to Saturn. I don't care where you go. Just go.

[Sack-Religious 0]

I almost forgot. Stop telling me when you're going to the ladies' room or the kitchen or downstairs or to Saturn. I don't care where you go. Just go.

Hi Nigel, I'm going home for the day now.

[Nigel Tufnel 1,829]

I almost forgot. Stop telling me when you're going to the ladies' room or the kitchen or downstairs or to Saturn. I don't care where you go. Just go.

Hi Nigel, I'm going home for the day now.

That's fine. Take care, my Canadian friend.

[Nucular George 22]

:shrug:lady in of my office is probably about 300 lbs. this after losing 100. she is in her mid40's and lives at home with her perfectly healthy parents. has her WHOLE life. she lives in some podunk town way the ### out. i'm putting money down on her never having entertained the affection of any boy or man her entire life.she recently met, online, some "guy" online. he's sorta half Sling Blade, half Scarecrow, half Jeffrey Dahmer. frightening looking fella. they started dating a few months ago.. now i hear daily, feverish, updates of their "relationship". including their first sleepover. which consisted of him sleeping in one room and her in another.. with the door locked..................at her parents house.today's post V-Day report has been an atrocity. an abomination. talk of marriage is in the air. she's been dating him......2 months maybe? i'm pretty sure she'd marry any guy who would have her. this poor schlub just might be the one.i've heard about EVERYTHING in this office. from papsmear's (sp?), to all manner of gynecological exams, bigotry, blatant racism, tales of prostate examinations, you name it.NONE of it. NONE comes close to making me feel as sick as hearing this woman talk about her "love life" on a daily basis.

Do you work in Maryland and is your name Dave? I'm being very serious.

Furley is in cheese land.

Wisconsin and my name is Glenn.

Wait....Glenn? Sorry I kept calling by the wrong name when we went out with urbanhack a few weeks ago.

[Nucular George 22]

Eat my shorts,

I didn't know people still said this.

The cool kids don't. I am not among those people though.

[saintfool 2,759]

I almost forgot. Stop telling me when you're going to the ladies' room or the kitchen or downstairs or to Saturn. I don't care where you go. Just go.

Hi Nigel, I'm going home for the day now.

That's fine. Take care, my Canadian friend.

well, he's going home for "lunch" with his lady. you could have reminded him to clean his junk afterwards. what is he french canadian? thanks, enabler...

[doughboydeluxe 1]

Dear cute little student worker person:

Please don't come into my office and strip down to next to nothing to weigh yourself. Don't lift up your shirt to show me your new belly piercing on your smooth, tan stomach. Don't tell me you're not wearing any panties. Don't tell me you are tempted to quit school and "suck ####" for a living (your words, not mine). Thanks in advance.

Doughboy

P.S. Please don't stop all of these things. Please. For the love of God please.

Edited February 15, 2007 by doughboydeluxe

[Nigel Tufnel 1,829]

Dear cute little student worker person:Please don't come into my office and strip down to next to nothing to weigh yourself. Don't lift up your shirt to show me your new belly piercing on your smooth, tan stomach. Don't tell me you're not wearing any panties. Don't tell me you are tempted to quit school and "suck ####" for a living (your words, not mine). Thanks in advance.DoughboyP.S. Please don't stop all of these things. Please. For the love of God please.

We have different jobs.

[Pick 6]

Dear teacher down the hall,

Writing "DON'T EVEN BREATHE WRONG!" on your white board as a threat to your students is like hanging a kick me sign on your face. Thanks so much cuz I get those kids second period and it takes 15 just to talk them out of setting you on fire.

[Joe T 1,254]

Dear Overpaid Analyst who got us heavily short the homebuilders and has single handedly cost us a performance fee for 3 straight years because my boss refuses to acknowledge you are a dildo who is only in good favor with him because you are friends with his son - When the markets are down and our short positions are actually working, what happens to your loud, sick, disgusting, obnoxious cough that sounds like you have Tuberculosis and has been treated by MD's for everything from Walking Pneumonia to Kennel Cough? How come you only break that bad boy out when the markets are setting new highs and your short positions are destroying any chance we might have of a solid return? Ever since September, when the markets are green and we're losing money hand over fist, you hack in dramatic fashion from 5:30am until you go home. People next to you cannot talk on the phone, hold conversations or concentrate without you interrupting them with your exaggerated, filthy, phlegm-filled cough that is further amplified by the fact that you are 6' 7" and, inexplicably, feel the need to STAND UP to have your coughing fits. You are spreading your spittle all over the place and are driving me and other coworkers insane. We IM all day long when you are coughing and talk about how we want to throw you out the window. You know why I flinch when you go in for a hi five? It's because your hand has been used as a handkerchief all day long. There have been days where I thought you were going to hack out your spleen.And yet on the rare day we are actually making money in your positions, you are cough free? Huh. Amazing. Instead of going to a new doctor every time he fails to diagnose your coal miner's lungs, how about you pony up a trip to the head doctor and learn what we already know: your disturbing hack is all mental and if you ever gave up the ghost and got us out of the home builders, perhaps you'd make a miraculous recovery. Oh, and in the cabinet under the sink is some Lysol. Please use it.TIAGM

[Escalator Dan 0]

Dear Ted:

Stop banging my whore of a wife. TIA.

Yours,

Dan

[Print Is Dead 1]

Dear Ted:Stop banging my whore of a wife. TIA.Yours,Dan

[Joe T 1,254]

Dear hot spanish marketing co-worker:

I know that you want to show off your new tan after just getting back from a week of vacation. Please feel free to stop by my office and share your wonderful stories of life on the beach for a week with nothing on but a skimpy bikini. Also, please continue to wear tight sweaters and tight jeans on Fridays.

Thanks,

Joe T

[Guest MelvinTScupper]

Dear hot spanish marketing co-worker:I know that you want to show off your new tan after just getting back from a week of vacation. Please feel free to stop by my office and share your wonderful stories of life on the beach for a week with nothing on but a skimpy bikini. Also, please continue to wear tight sweaters and tight jeans on Fridays.Thanks,Joe T

How long has Raoul been working with you?

[Joe T 1,254]

Dear hot spanish marketing co-worker:I know that you want to show off your new tan after just getting back from a week of vacation. Please feel free to stop by my office and share your wonderful stories of life on the beach for a week with nothing on but a skimpy bikini. Also, please continue to wear tight sweaters and tight jeans on Fridays.Thanks,Joe T

How long has Raoul been working with you?

you are trying too hard, S

[Guest MelvinTScupper]

Dear hot spanish marketing co-worker:I know that you want to show off your new tan after just getting back from a week of vacation. Please feel free to stop by my office and share your wonderful stories of life on the beach for a week with nothing on but a skimpy bikini. Also, please continue to wear tight sweaters and tight jeans on Fridays.Thanks,Joe T

How long has Raoul been working with you?

you are trying too hard, S

Says the guy in finance pretending the spanish dude in marketing even notices him?

[Franknbeans 1,951]

there's nothing quite like the smell of a nuked up cheeseburger at 9:30 in the morning

[WampusCat43 196]

Dear Loud Mouth Outside My Office,Please refrain from complaining that you cannot get your work done until you stop calling in sick 1-2 times per week. In that vain, please settle on one ailment. I doubt one person can suffer from bulging neck discs, irritable bowle syndrome, migraines, auto immune deficiency, asthma, insomnia, and chronic back pain all at once. For the times you are in the office, please stop talking about the minor league hockey players you stalk as if they are your friends. Thank you.

You work with Sheik?

[ffjunk 194]

To one of you I work with,

When you get a second helping of food and can't finish it, please don't scrape it back into the pan so someone else can eat your leftovers. Also, when you wipe the dishes down, the towel you are using is for dishes, not to wipe the sweat and dirt off your face and neck and to dry your sweaty head.

[kentric 501]

Dear Offensively Smelling Co-worker,

Is it really necessary to bathe yourself in perfume prior to coming to the office? I understand that you likely bought a gallon of the foul smelling stuff and therefore feel obligated to utilize it in obscene quantities, but having my eyes tear due to it is a bit excessive. I was hoping that the fan the woman next to you purchased and placed on her desk would give you a signal - considering its pointed directly at you and not at the woman who purchased it.

I'd have mentioned this to you directly, but after seeing you have an argument with yourself in the coffee kiosk I'm rather frightened of you.

Signed,

Anonymous

[Running with scissors 1]

Dear Project Manager that sits across from me,

Although I really appreciate that you are a jovial fellow that really loves his work, if you are going to continue to hum and be-bop all day, could you please try to pick a tune to do it in?

Dear President of my company,

Thanks, ever so much, for deciding that an open concept floor plan was the way to go.

YIC,

Scissors

[Mrs. BSR 3]

Dear Offensively Smelling Co-worker,Is it really necessary to bathe yourself in perfume prior to coming to the office? I understand that you likely bought a gallon of the foul smelling stuff and therefore feel obligated to utilize it in obscene quantities, but having my eyes tear due to it is a bit excessive. I was hoping that the fan the woman next to you purchased and placed on her desk would give you a signal - considering its pointed directly at you and not at the woman who purchased it.I'd have mentioned this to you directly, but after seeing you have an argument with yourself in the coffee kiosk I'm rather frightened of you.Signed,Anonymous

[mr. furley 12,233]

To one of you I work with,

When you get a second helping of food and can't finish it, please don't scrape it back into the pan so someone else can eat your leftovers. Also, when you wipe the dishes down, the towel you are using is for dishes, not to wipe the sweat and dirt off your face and neck and to dry your sweaty head.

OMFG

really the whole thing is disgusting. but especially the bolded part.

[OddibeMcD 0]

Dear lonely, thirty-something,

I am being polite when I ask how you are doing. This does not give you the right to tell me about your last three solitary visits to a strip club, nor does it imply that I have any intention of attending said club with you. You have to go alone for a reason. You are annoying, goofy and annoying again. There is a reason you have to give money so people hang out with you.

Moreover, I don't want to hear about the "tail" we work with. The youngest woman here is 40-something. None of them qualify as tail. Perchance you could kindly die.

Best regards,

Oddibe

[Genedoc 6]

If it hasn't been done already and published, someone should make a collection of these and sell them. They'd go like hotcakes.

[warlocks 0]

Dear Mr. I-love-my-speakerphone:

Apparently you are the only one that is so enamored with your speakerphone. No one else needs to hear your entire voicemail inbox complete with the "bee-boop" sounds of you deleting the message, and the kindly-creepy female instruction voice at top volume. Are you seriously too #######' lazy to pick up a phone handset that is only fourteen inches from your hand? Please close your door if you're going to use that speakerphone. You may feel free to get over your self-importance at any time.

-A

[OddibeMcD 0]

Dear George,

Look, I'm sorry you were in that car accident. I realize that a couple wires are crossed and that it takes you a little while to grasp certain concepts...but stop asking me "Whatever happened to Kodak?" We work for a company that makes film!!! There are about five people in the world who still use 35mm cameras. When you do that, you're going to get laid off at some point. This layoff is not a big shock. Everyone's upset, but the answer is right in front of you...no one uses film. This is not a mystery. I answered you ten times, I'm done with you.

Killself,

Oddibe

[FatMax 121]

Fred,

Please don't shart if you're sitting in the chair across from my desk.

Regards,

FM

[guru_007 757]

Stop banging my whore of a wife. TIA.Yours,Dan

YIC, Scissors

I might drink you under the table and then knock the bottom out of it but I wouldn't call you the next day.GlllllTanner

Perchance you could kindly die.Best regards,Oddibe

Y'all are killing me with the endings of your letters....so polite and cordial :lmao:

[General Malaise 26,440]

Dear lonely, thirty-something,I am being polite when I ask how you are doing. This does not give you the right to tell me about your last three solitary visits to a strip club, nor does it imply that I have any intention of attending said club with you. You have to go alone for a reason. You are annoying, goofy and annoying again. There is a reason you have to give money so people hang out with you. Moreover, I don't want to hear about the "tail" we work with. The youngest woman here is 40-something. None of them qualify as tail. Perchance you could kindly die.Best regards,Oddibe

Very solid!

[trader jake 1,385]

Dear Fairly Cute 23 year old Language Arts teacher they hired last year,First things first. You're cute, period. You're not 'hot' or 'smokin'. Just cute. And the reason why you're cute is because you're 23. In 10 years you won't be cute. You'll be an average looking haus-frau with 2.3 kids, stretch marks, and a bunch of clothes that won't fit you. Now that we have all that out of the way you need to lose the attitude. Contrary to what you might think I am not hitting on you. I joke around with people...that's what I do. I'm not flirting with you or perving on you. I kid around with everybody from the 75 year old lunchroom monitor lady with the humpback to the hot moms that volunteer in the office. Get over yourself. I'm 15 years older than you and happily married. And if I was 24 I probably wouldn't give you a second look. I might drink you under the table and then knock the bottom out of it but I wouldn't call you the next day.GlllllTanner

You could also throw in a "don't you know who I am!?" blast

[Keerock 5,024]

[chet 4,508]

Dear housekeeper #####--

Please don't think your English is getting better. I'm speaking to you at the level of a 4yo so I won't have to repeat myself. Get back to work or I'll have you deported.

[rodg12 2,427]

If it hasn't been done already and published, someone should make a collection of these and sell them. They'd go like hotcakes.

[oddball 4]

Dear Mr. Entrepreneur,

You always blame others for your store closing and now have to work in a factory, yet you seem to know everything about 24, Hero, Battlestar Galactica, and 15 others t.v. shows. You know every stat and skill for a 4th level wizard in D&D, but haven't read a book on entrepreneuralship or general business in more than a year. Your never going to open up another store like you say you will when you watch 20 hours of t.v. a week.

Sincerely,

[oddball 4]

Funniest thread I've read in a long long time.

I pee'd my pants