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A note to my coworker ...

Nigel Tufnel

By Nigel Tufnel,
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Nucular George

Nucular George 22

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Posted

Dear George,Look, I'm sorry you were in that car accident. I realize that a couple wires are crossed and that it takes you a little while to grasp certain concepts...but stop asking me "Whatever happened to Kodak?" We work for a company that makes film!!! There are about five people in the world who still use 35mm cameras. When you do that, you're going to get laid off at some point. This layoff is not a big shock. Everyone's upset, but the answer is right in front of you...no one uses film. This is not a mystery. I answered you ten times, I'm done with you.Killself, Oddibe

I'm sorry. The accident impaired my temporal lobe. You don't have to be rude about it. :rolleyes: So whatever happened to Kodak?
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Ned

Dear nagging coworker, There's this cool little feature in Outlook that alerts me to every email that hits my inbox. This means there's no ### #### reason you need to immediately send me an IM te

Kanil

Mrs. Kanil, No, when I work from home, I'm not able to just go run to the store to get X or pull the spoon out of the disposal because you're too afraid to do it.  Nor am I able to join when you

OrtonToOlsen

Dear coworker, Remember your school-wide email from the other day asking if any of us had a pack of green construction paper? Well, I actually have like 3 packs for some reason.  I don't eve

Master of Past and Present

Master of Past and Present 86

Posted
Posted

Dear Fellow Cubers,

To 2 cubes north, please do not minimize all your windows to show me your new background of whatever 'awesome' picture you have recently put up and then ramble on it. I did not ask about a new background when I stepped in because I am not interested, not because I forgot.

To 1 row over and 1 cube down, we don't have the same interests so why are you trying to shoot the #### with me? And please turn down your political radio since I do not want to hear that crap on all day. Oh, and all your business ideas are worse than that guys 'jump to conclusions mat' on Office Space.

To the guy about 10 cubes away, you are not a superstar. I'm not sure what is worse, the fact you hung your high school jersey in your cube or your championship rec t-shirt from 5 years ago.

To the girl in the cube to his left, you are not hot. You are not even cute. The guys are being nice, not hitting on you. The chicks are being nice, not being curious about experimenting with you. You and the basketball guy need to stop acting like you are way better looking than the other and just hook up.

Thanks,

MoPaP

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snorlax

snorlax 3

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Posted

To my coworker:I realize that you enjoy being the "cool and creative" English/Reading teacher on campus. I applaud your drive to inspire the kids to express themselves in a variety of ways. I also think that your idea of having the kids give a 3 minute presentation "in character" instead of a stodgy old bookreport is a good idea.Yet Tuesday when you told a student it was ok for him to bring a replica of a bayonette to school to use as a prop in his presentation you really screwed the pooch.First of all weapons of any kind...real or fake...are not allowed on campus. That's pretty much spelled out in the district policies we go over every August. Secondly the kid you allowed to bring the fake knife to school is a dip-####. If you haven't figured that out by now I don't know what to tell you. The first thing he did when he got to campus was show the knife off to 5 or 6 other kids. At least one of whom thought the blade was real and reported it to the admins. Fortunately for Nick, the fake-knife carrying dip####, he wasn't suspended. After checking out his side of the story and finding out you gave him permission to bring the knife to school the admins couldn't really do much to him.Keep up the good work.

Campus?
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snorlax

snorlax 3

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Posted

To my coworker:I realize that you enjoy being the "cool and creative" English/Reading teacher on campus. I applaud your drive to inspire the kids to express themselves in a variety of ways. I also think that your idea of having the kids give a 3 minute presentation "in character" instead of a stodgy old bookreport is a good idea.Yet Tuesday when you told a student it was ok for him to bring a replica of a bayonette to school to use as a prop in his presentation you really screwed the pooch.First of all weapons of any kind...real or fake...are not allowed on campus. That's pretty much spelled out in the district policies we go over every August. Secondly the kid you allowed to bring the fake knife to school is a dip-####. If you haven't figured that out by now I don't know what to tell you. The first thing he did when he got to campus was show the knife off to 5 or 6 other kids. At least one of whom thought the blade was real and reported it to the admins. Fortunately for Nick, the fake-knife carrying dip####, he wasn't suspended. After checking out his side of the story and finding out you gave him permission to bring the knife to school the admins couldn't really do much to him.Keep up the good work.

Campus?
what
in school, on school grounds, on school property, on school premises...unless you have several academic and residential buildings with a bit of land and preferably a fountain or statue in the middle of it.
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Keys Myaths

Keys Myaths 2

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Posted

:lmao:lady in of my office is probably about 300 lbs. this after losing 100. she is in her mid40's and lives at home with her perfectly healthy parents. has her WHOLE life. she lives in some podunk town way the ### out. i'm putting money down on her never having entertained the affection of any boy or man her entire life.she recently met, online, some "guy" online. he's sorta half Sling Blade, half Scarecrow, half Jeffrey Dahmer. frightening looking fella. they started dating a few months ago.. now i hear daily, feverish, updates of their "relationship". including their first sleepover. which consisted of him sleeping in one room and her in another.. with the door locked..................at her parents house.today's post V-Day report has been an atrocity. an abomination. talk of marriage is in the air. she's been dating him......2 months maybe? i'm pretty sure she'd marry any guy who would have her. this poor schlub just might be the one.i've heard about EVERYTHING in this office. from papsmear's (sp?), to all manner of gynecological exams, bigotry, blatant racism, tales of prostate examinations, you name it.NONE of it. NONE comes close to making me feel as sick as hearing this woman talk about her "love life" on a daily basis.:wall:

Do you work in Maryland and is your name Dave? I'm being very serious.
Furley is in cheese land.
:thumbdown: Wisconsin and my name is Glenn.
:(
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Sack-Religious

Sack-Religious 0

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Posted

Dear microwave polluters;

I understand that you like fish. I have no problems with you wanting to eat it. Really, I don't. I do, however, have a problem with you heating it in the microwave, on high power for 4 minutes, so that not only does it stink up the kitchen and surrounding area, but the odour permeates the food of whoever is unfortunate enough to be heating their lunch up after you have defiled the microwave.

The only way to curb that smell is if your partner in crime, "Mr/Mrs I burned the microwave popcorn, again" steps up to the plate that afternoon. How many times must you burn the microwave popcorn before you realize that you should probably put it in for at least 30 seconds less? "Oops, I burned the popcorn again" doesn't cut it after the second time, nevermind the fifth.

I hate you both.

Sincerely,

S-R

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mr. furley

mr. furley 12,233

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Posted

To the dumb guy in the cube behind me,

Conversation is a two-way street. It has a rhythm all its own. Interrupting people mid-sentence with "EH! EH! EH! EH! EH! EH!" until they stop talking and listen is REALLY REALLY ####ING ANNOYING!

Changing it to "SEE! SEE! SEE! SEE! SEE!" until they stop is NO ####ING BETTER!

If you're going to interrupt people when they're talking.. don't just interject some completely un-related, non-sensical, garbage that only you understand. Why you broke in to a conversation about a power outage with "EH! EH! EH! EH! EH! Here's an article i saw in the Sheboygan Bee last week about a guy whose garage door collapsed and fell on his car." is beyond me.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE #### YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT AND WE DON'T ####ING CARE!!! SHUT THE #### UP!

And, please, STOP throwing yourself on the grenade every time our boss comes around. If she's questioning something that went wrong, ESPECIALLY when you had nothing to do with it and have no idea what she's talking about DO NOT interrupt her ("no, no, no see see see see what it is is, what it is is, see.. {laugh}... woo! see") to tell her about something you did wrong. That only confuses the boss, makes her angry and then we ALL look stupid.

Finally, for the love of allah, STOP singing "hallelujiah! hallelujiah! halelujiah!"x3 when something happens like a new box of printer paper is delivered.. or when the water guy shows up with new jugs.. or when the mail guy stops in. IT'S NOT THAT ####ING EXCITING!!! AND NONE OF US WANTS TO HEAR YOU SINGING SONG VERSES YOU FREAK!!!!!!!!!

:banned::hot::lmao:

god it's been a long morning already.

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mr. furley

mr. furley 12,233

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Posted

Dear microwave polluters;"Mr/Mrs I burned the microwave popcorn, again" steps up to the plate that afternoon. How many times must you burn the microwave popcorn before you realize that you should probably put it in for at least 30 seconds less? "Oops, I burned the popcorn again" doesn't cut it after the second time, nevermind the fifth.I hate you both.Sincerely,S-R

:)man do i hate people.
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Shutterbug

Shutterbug 1

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Posted

To the lady who sits across from me:Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!! :banned: :banned: :banned: :banned::banned:

What makes you think she goes home to do her husband; she can do him at night. Maybe it is her boss. :)
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mr. furley

mr. furley 12,233

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To the lady who sits across from me:Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!! :banned: :banned: :banned: :banned::banned:

What makes you think she goes home to do her husband; she can do him at night. Maybe it is her boss. :)
thanks, now i have to gouge my eyes out.the lady who sits across from me is a fat slob. ### wider than her chair. smokers cough. guttural laugh. dumb as a box of rocks. our boss is twice her size with neck rolls and the personality of a wooden bench. neither of these women is in any way even remotely attractive.the thought of those two together makes me want to kill myself.
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Shutterbug

Shutterbug 1

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Posted

To the lady who sits across from me:Please, WHEN YOU GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT LUNCH, HAVE THE COMMON ####ING COURTESY TO WASH THOROUGHLY!!!!!!!! :wall::hot::wall::hot::X

What makes you think she goes home to do her husband; she can do him at night. Maybe it is her boss. :fishing:
thanks, now i have to gouge my eyes out.the lady who sits across from me is a fat slob. ### wider than her chair. smokers cough. guttural laugh. dumb as a box of rocks. our boss is twice her size with neck rolls and the personality of a wooden bench. neither of these women is in any way even remotely attractive.the thought of those two together makes me want to kill myself.
Nothing says TIA like a gift basket filled with ##### and slimfast... :lmao:
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Clayton Gray

Clayton Gray 2,112

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Posted

To one of you I work with,When you get a second helping of food and can't finish it, please don't scrape it back into the pan so someone else can eat your leftovers. Also, when you wipe the dishes down, the towel you are using is for dishes, not to wipe the sweat and dirt off your face and neck and to dry your sweaty head.

Wow. This is horrible.
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Captain Quinoa

Captain Quinoa 2,289

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Posted

Attention Co-Loser:

I know your life suxxors -- wife just left you and slapped a restraining order on your ###, can't afford to get the heat in your car fixed so you are using a can of sterno to defrost your windshield, desperately hoping that your 80's feathered hair and cheesy pron moustache come back into vogue --- but for the love of God when you go out on break to have a smoke or thirty, dousing yourself in cheap cologne does not disguise the stench, it only makes it worse. And while you're at it, why don't you try gargling with some of that cologne because your whiskey breath is MELTING MY ####ING EYEBROWS.

Plz die.

CQ

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Spladow!

Spladow! 0

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Posted

Dear co-worker,

Please brush your teef if you're going to meet with me. If I wanted to smell #### first thing in the morning, I'd go to the bathroom after the regulars take their routine dumps. If you're going to try and impress me with your vocabulary, at least say the words right. Satiate is pronounced sey-shee-eyt, not satch-I-at, dbag. I would love to feed you exlax and then place you in a solitary confinement box. Watching you drive into a lake and die would work too. Thanks.

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The Noid

The Noid 1,233

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Posted

Dear Peer,

Guess what, we are all busy and you are not the only one with work to do at this place called a job. Everyone does not need to hear about how busy you are with work, how many meetings you have today, how many messages were on your voice-mail this morning or how many e-mails you have yet to read. If you spent one-tenth the time DOING your work instead of beating everyone’s ear ABOUT your work, you would be able to get your work done AND still have time to do things like read the FFA throughout the day.

Also, you’re a bad liar. When you say something stupid in a meeting or quote some bogus number on a conference call and get called on it, your go to answer is always, “Well, I lost my hard drive 3 times so I probably don’t have the information anymore.” You’re no better than the guy who has a death in the family every time he’s out of vacation time or didn’t get approved for the days off he wanted.

Be prosperous and fare well,

The Noid

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[icon]

[icon] 9,559

Posted
Posted (edited)

Dear Hypochondriac Secretary,

I am sorry that your elbow hurts.... your knee hurts... your head hurts....etc.... every day. I really want to hear about every little ache and pain and I truly enjoy all the drama with which you present your daily update of random ailments that are nothing more than a sign that you're slipping into the mid 50s....

At least, I thought they were just a harmless sign that you were aging until you were recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had to take a leave of absence for chemotherapy. :banned:

Nice job picking out the wig and glad things are going well.

Sincerely

Icon

Edited by [icon]
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Sack-Religious

Sack-Religious 0

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Posted

' date='Feb 16 2007, 11:38 AM' post='6356841']Dear Hypochondriac Secretary,I am sorry that your elbow hurts.... your knee hurts... your head hurts....etc.... every day. I really want to hear about every little ache and pain and I truly enjoy all the drama with which you present your daily update of random ailments that are nothing more than a sign that you're slipping into the mid 50s.... at least, I thought they were just a harmless sign that you were aging until you were recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had to take a leave of absence for chemotherapy. :banned:Nice job picking out the wig and glad things are going well. Sincerely Icon

I'm going to hell, but :bye:
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[icon]

[icon] 9,559

Posted
Posted

Dear annoying customer service rep lady,

I realize you were a cheerleader at Ole Miss.... but that was at least 40 years ago. Please dress your age. Also... chill the #### out. Your spastic, skittish worry-wort mannerisms remind me of a chihuahua on stage at a lord of the dance tryout.

Finally.. I know you have a son... I know he is about my age. That does NOT mean I want to hear about every time the guy has a bowel movement. For instance, a few years back when we were both purchasing a house at the same time, I genunely could have done without the daily updates on how his search/inspection/negotiations/purchase/closing/move were going. Just because we are the same age does not automatically make me want to be cornered for 15 minutes every time I go into the break room to grab a glass of water.

Oh.. and yes, I DO avoid you like the plague.

XOXO

Icon

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Print Is Dead

Print Is Dead 1

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Posted

Dear clueless-HR-accouting-type-person,

Sending out a letter to each employee itemizing all "benefits", including employer contributions to social security and medicare that are government mandated, which includes quotes such as "don't forget to thank management and the partners who make decisions on your future benefits," might be bad for employee morale. Please take note of all the printing resumes if you happen by the printer today.

Kthanksbye,

Print Is Dead

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General Malaise

General Malaise 26,455

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Posted

Attention Co-Loser:

I know your life suxxors -- wife just left you and slapped a restraining order on your ###, can't afford to get the heat in your car fixed so you are using a can of sterno to defrost your windshield, desperately hoping that your 80's feathered hair and cheesy pron moustache come back into vogue --- but for the love of God when you go out on break to have a smoke or thirty, dousing yourself in cheap cologne does not disguise the stench, it only makes it worse. And while you're at it, why don't you try gargling with some of that cologne because your whiskey breath is MELTING MY ####ING EYEBROWS.

Plz die.

CQ

:confused::bye::lmao::lmao::lmao:
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saintfool

saintfool 2,759

Posted
Posted

Dear generic-white-businessman-who-just-introduced-himself-to-me,Why are you wearing an Underarmor turtleneck under your blazer in lieu of a dress shirt? I'm pretty sure its sweat-wicking technology is being wasted by using it in this capacity.Page me,Print is Dead

*click-clack-click-clack*
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ffjunk

ffjunk 194

Posted
Posted

To one of you I work with,When you get a second helping of food and can't finish it, please don't scrape it back into the pan so someone else can eat your leftovers. Also, when you wipe the dishes down, the towel you are using is for dishes, not to wipe the sweat and dirt off your face and neck and to dry your sweaty head.

Wow. This is horrible.
We've all told him how bad he is. Nickname is Stinky. He laughs about it. Just doesn't get it. We don't let him do the dishes anymore and when he does by accident we re-wash as soon as he leaves. Also we keep Lysol by the phones so when he's done we wipe them down. No one wants to sit near or across from him when he eats either. He's one of those holds his breath when he eats and snorts and grunts while doing so people. Bad smokers cough and never covers his pie hole either. One of the most disgusting people I've ever met. In fact he is the most disgusting person I've met.
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Print Is Dead

Print Is Dead 1

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Posted

Dear generic-white-businessman-who-just-introduced-himself-to-me,Why are you wearing an Underarmor turtleneck under your blazer in lieu of a dress shirt? I'm pretty sure its sweat-wicking technology is being wasted by using it in this capacity.Page me,Print is Dead

*click-clack-click-clack*
He whispered this as he walked out of my office. Very weird. I don't think he was A.J. Hawk, but I can't really be sure.
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mr. furley

mr. furley 12,233

Posted
Posted

Dear sorta-office-friend-of-mine,

Please, knock on my cubicle wall when you want my attention. Or just say "hey" or something.

Stop walking up and standing directly behind my chair so that when i finally DO realize you're there, i can't back up... at all.

I realize you think it's some fun/funny game that you're playing. You think you're a ninja or some such. But it just makes me want to choke you out.

TIA

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Print Is Dead

Print Is Dead 1

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Posted

Biggish-lady-with-nice-boobs:See this thing up to my ear (pointing at telephone receiver)? It's a phone. Don't ask me #### when I'm on it. By the way, I'm not really on it, I'm just avoiding your questions.Yours in Christianity,Nigel Tufnel

You really need one of those phone headset thingees. I just leave mine on all day and point to it as if i'm on a call to avoid talking to people. :thumbup:
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HERBERT THE HIPPO

HERBERT THE HIPPO 70

Posted
Posted (edited)

To the guy who just spent about 20 minutes in my office talking about some project I don't care about.....

Your breath smells like a pile of dog crap that has been festering in a pool of decomposed rat pus.

:thumbup::D:yucky::yucky::yucky::yucky:

Have a GREAT weekend!!!!

HTH

Edited by HERBERT THE HIPPO
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Mrs. BSR

Mrs. BSR 3

Posted
Posted

Biggish-lady-with-nice-boobs:See this thing up to my ear (pointing at telephone receiver)? It's a phone. Don't ask me #### when I'm on it. By the way, I'm not really on it, I'm just avoiding your questions.Yours in Christianity,Nigel Tufnel

Tell her that if she would just wear better blouses that compliment the boobage, you may acknowledge her existence and speak with her.
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The Juggernaut

The Juggernaut 0

Posted
Posted

Dear Fat, Borderline ######ed, Housekeeper Guy,

I'm not interested in talking to you about your old peice of crap truck, your idiot kids and what idiotic prank you played on them, or how awesome of an athlete you were 20 years and 75 pounds ago. Yes, I do get up and leave my office when I hear you coming my way on your daily rounds to empty the trash cans. During the times that you do catch me in here, please take note that me turning my back to you and reading my computer mean that I'm NOT INTERESTED in what you are saying.

Yours in platonic love,

TJ

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