A note to my coworker ...

[tri-man 47]

Dear coworker (or, more likely, university student):

OK, I kind of get the fact that you don't want your butt cheeks to touch the toilet seat, so you line the seat with squares of toilet paper. But why do you leave the TP on the seat after you're done? Does it not occur to you that by protecting your own sensitive buttocks, you're leaving a greater risk of germs to the next user who has to clear the seat so that they can use the toilet?

Thanks,

Your non-phobia friends

Edited June 3, 2011 by tri-man 47

[wazoo11]

Dear new co-worker of mine,

If your going to talk sports with me or pretend to at least try getting their names right. Don't come up to me and say "Hey, Sorry about the Celtics losing to the Trail Blazers. Maybe if Paul Allen and Kevin Pierce weren't so lazy they would have won."

Thanks,

Wazoo.

Edited May 19, 2011 by wazoo11

[Sweet J]

Dear lady I supervise: You are on a four person team working on a case. I had to pick two people to brief my boss's boss's boss about the case we are working on. I didn't choose you because you tend to ramble and don't always know when to keep your mouth shut. Other than that, you are a decent worker who generally gets your crap done on time. However, you threw a temper tantrum about not being able to go to the briefing, getting angry at me for excluding you, and demanding to be taken off the case.

I was going to let your #### slide, but if you want to make a case out of it, I will be forced to explain to whoever needs to hear EXACTLY why I didn't pick you, complete with my opinion of your ability to handle yourself with a little tact.

[nysportsfan]

You can write everything down and STILL forget. Do you know why? Because YOU HAVE A PROCESSING DEFICIT!!!!!!!!!!

[Buck Bradcanon]

Dearest cute girl with a knub/babyarm that I saw facedown on the hamstrings machine at the corporate gym,

The knub fascinates me. I love you.

Happy Easter,

Buck

[saintfool]

Dear new co-worker of mine,

If your going to talk sports with me or pretend to at least try getting their names right. Don't come up to me and say "Hey, Sorry about the Celtics losing to the Trail Blazers. Maybe if Paul Allen and Kevin Pierce weren't so lazy they would have won."

Thanks,

Wazoo.

well, it's true...

[Cliff Clavin]

Dear Mr. Sales Guy from Webex,

I really wish you were my co-worker so I berate and belittle you in-person. Emails, specifically business/sales emails should not be sent using Comic Sans. I'm not in sales so maybe this is some fancy new technique that I haven't heard about. If it is, you need to find a new job.

[Jutz]

Dearest cute girl with a knub/babyarm that I saw facedown on the hamstrings machine at the corporate gym,The knub fascinates me. I love you. Happy Easter,Buck

[shuke]

Dearest cute girl with a knub/babyarm that I saw facedown on the hamstrings machine at the corporate gym,The knub fascinates me. I love you. Happy Easter,Buck

I may need this explained to me.

[CBusAlex]

Dude, I'm a software engineer, not an IT guy. I need you to understand that even though we both work with computers, these are two seperate areas of expertise. Stop coming to me every time your email is down and asking me to "program it back up".

[Buck Bradcanon]

Dearest cute girl with a knub/babyarm that I saw facedown on the hamstrings machine at the corporate gym,The knub fascinates me. I love you. Happy Easter,Buck

I may need this explained to me.

Saw a hot chick down at the gym but she only has 1 1/2 arms.

[Joe Summer]

ME: Hey, can I borrow your fingernail clippers?

CUBE TROLL: Why?

ME: [taken aback] What do you mean, 'Why'?

CUBE TROLL: What do you want to use them for?

ME: Really? I mean, do you think that fingernail clippers have any other purpose beside clipping fingernails?

CUBE TROLL: How the hell should I know? That's why I'm asking!

ME: What else could I possibly use them for?

CUBE TROLL: I dunno. I thought you might use them as wire cutters or pliers or something.

[joffer]

really? 8 more REPLY TO ALL emails asking everyone not to REPLY TO ALL?

how many times can we do this?

[shuke]

Borrowing someone else's nail clippers? Really?

[TheAristocrat]

ME: Hey, can I borrow your fingernail clippers?

CUBE TROLL: Why?

ME: [taken aback] What do you mean, 'Why'?

CUBE TROLL: What do you want to use them for?

ME: Really? I mean, do you think that fingernail clippers have any other purpose beside clipping fingernails?

CUBE TROLL: How the hell should I know? That's why I'm asking!

ME: What else could I possibly use them for?

CUBE TROLL: I dunno. I thought you might use them as wire cutters or pliers or something.

How are those nails looking now, Susan?

[Cunk]

Dear Boss,

Thanks for making us have to do a drug test in a couple of weeks to lower our insurance rates. Just so happens that I took the first couple of drags off a joint last Sunday that I've had in about 2 years.

[Joe Summer]

Borrowing someone else's nail clippers? Really?

I tore a nail!!

[gmbacm]

ME: Hey, can I borrow your fingernail clippers?

CUBE TROLL: Why?

ME: [taken aback] What do you mean, 'Why'?

CUBE TROLL: What do you want to use them for?

ME: Really? I mean, do you think that fingernail clippers have any other purpose beside clipping fingernails?

CUBE TROLL: How the hell should I know? That's why I'm asking!

ME: What else could I possibly use them for?

CUBE TROLL: I dunno. I thought you might use them as wire cutters or pliers or something.

Id rather my coworkers used my nail clippers for wire cutters then cutting their nails.

[Disco Stu]

Dear Torn Fingernail Guy,

No you can't borrow my fingernail clippers. Are you crazy?

Regards,

Coworker with normal boundaries

P.S. This also applies to my toothbrush and chapstick.

[Tecumseh]

Dear Torn Fingernail Guy,No you can't borrow my chip clip. Are you crazy?Regards,Coworker with normal boundariesP.S. This also applies to my toothbrush and chapstick.

[Joe Summer]

The point is that he was more concerned about me using them as wire cutters than as fingernail clippers.

Besides that, a simple "No" would have sufficed.

[shuke]

Reminds me of a time a guy asked to borrow my scissors. This guy was kind of weird, a little bit of a spaz.

Anyway, he comes by my desk and asks to borrow them. I said sure.

About five minutes later I go to take a piss and he's in at the bathroom sink trimming his moustache hairs.

I was like, "you can just keep those, I've got another pair".

[wadegarrett]

Reminds me of a time a guy asked to borrow my scissors. This guy was kind of weird, a little bit of a spaz. Anyway, he comes by my desk and asks to borrow them. I said sure.About five minutes later I go to take a piss and he's in at the bathroom sink trimming his moustache hairs.I was like, "you can just keep those, I've got another pair".

:lmao:

[dino259]

A big big thank you to my boss for finally realizing you did not have the respect of your direct reports and finally getting a new job. My vacation next week will be twice as good now!!!

[offdee]

Borrowing someone else's nail clippers? Really?

shuke and I don't agree on much, but this is one of the few.

[Novice2]

I have a #### job that doesn't require ''team work''. People suck

[GTBilly]

ME: Hey, can I borrow your fingernail clippers?

CUBE TROLL: Why?

ME: [taken aback] What do you mean, 'Why'?

CUBE TROLL: What do you want to use them for?

ME: Really? I mean, do you think that fingernail clippers have any other purpose beside clipping fingernails?

CUBE TROLL: How the hell should I know? That's why I'm asking!

ME: What else could I possibly use them for?

CUBE TROLL: I dunno. I thought you might use them as wire cutters or pliers or something.

Just because it's Friday and I never get to be home and participate I have to say the question wasn't that out of line. Thinking back about the things that I have used a set of clippers for I can see why they asked.

[Wild Young Billy]

Dear New Guy,

I need to congratulate you on your success at alienating the IT Guy in your first 2 hours on the job. We're all busy but you could have taken 1 minute to introduce yourself to me before telling me you're too busy for pleasantries and then proceed to ask me if I sent your new laptop to you yet and when you will receive it blah, blah, blah.

Enjoy your career here using the oldest piece of #### PCs I can find.

Lovingly,

IT Guy

[Gianni Verscotchie]

Dearest cute girl with a knub/babyarm that I saw facedown on the hamstrings machine at the corporate gym,The knub fascinates me. I love you. Happy Easter,Buck

I may need this explained to me.

Saw a hot chick down at the gym but she only has 1 1/2 arms.

How many hands?

[george]

Dearest cute girl with a knub/babyarm that I saw facedown on the hamstrings machine at the corporate gym,The knub fascinates me. I love you. Happy Easter,Buck

But most importantly, cute girl laying facedown on the hamstring machine, how'd her hammies look? Edited June 3, 2011 by george

[Disco Stu]

Are you angry at your computer?

[Sergeant Spelt]

I gotta say -- the way your headband, pigtails, and tyvek coat perfectly frame the '69' tattoo on the back of your neck is artistic genius.

[Wild Young Billy]

Dear guy in the next office,

Please remember that telephones have microphones that help amplify your voice to the person you are speaking to. There is NO NEED TO TALK LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS TO HEAR YOU. Also, please close your ####### door when you speak at that volume on a 2 hour conference call.

TIA

[belljr]

Dear real life "french benefits" person.

It's "thrown under the bus" not "thrown under the bridge"

That is all.

[Andy Dufresne]

If you're going to call for technical help, don't chew your cud...er, gum...over the phone when you do.

[Buck Bradcanon]

Dearest Boss,

Lick my balls.

Yours In Christ,

Buck

[SacramentoBob]

Dear various people who stare in awe at that wonderful electronic mail thing,

Thank you for including our distribution group in your most recent conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with us. Also thank you to all the responders who apparently have discovered all of the joy that is the reply all button. I look forward to the next chain of replies detailing the thickness of asphalt required for your project. That's very important info in case I need to make a firewall rule change or something.

[Native]

Dear Bathroom Play-by-Play/Color Commentator Guy -

When I took this job back in July, I was rather disturbed to learn that the one bathroom in the entire office was located exactly 15 feet from your desk. Throughout my life, I have enjoyed furtive facilities, lightly trafficked and undisturbed. At my last job, I would pass on the frenetic Men’s Room located adjacent to our office doors and opted instead to venture to the quiet 12th floor, where I could poop in utter solitude. Moreover, I consider taking a crap on the company dime my God given right and do my best reading while tucked away in locked isolation.

Furthermore, when our boss forewarned me that you would make my pooping life here at the office a humiliating experience, I was dumbfounded and didn't quite understand the admonishment. He chuckled and said "Just you wait..."

Unfortunately, I couldn't wait, thanks to a healthy heaping of black beans the night prior and thermos full of black coffee that morning. So I grabbed some reading material, went into the bathroom, locked the door and sat. I took a moment to admire the clean facilities, the wicker basket full of magazines and newspapers, the expensive artwork and all the candles. The bathroom even has a lovely shower attached. If ever there was a place designed to enjoy a daily dump, this is it.

And then it started. I let out muted warning shot before the cannon fodder hit the bowl. No sooner did that one note tune exit my body did I hear the cackling sounds of your high pitched laugh, follwed by a loud, obnoxious "WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". For a moment, I thought a hyena had entered the building. Then I remembered our boss's warning and knew right away that you were a debase, deranged version of the SNL "Copy Man" played by Rob Schnieder.

In the weeks and months since, I have been treated to rousing applause and several barked out, creative phrases like "Hey, we're trying to run a business out here" or "Oh my god, somebody has diarrhea" or my favorite "Dude, I'm on the phone!". It doesn't matter how hard I try to make as little noise as possible in there, it's as if you have a stethoscope to the door. You have taken what used to be an enjoyable workday past time and turned it into a traumatic experience. And I'm not alone. Everybody in the office is subject to your maniacal cat calls and turd analysis. What sucks is that when we try to flip the tables on you, you just laugh it off and feed on it. You come out of the bathroom holding up your arms like Rocky Balboa.

Not only do you yell and scream anytime you hear a fart, but you have been counting how many times each of us goes in there. If I go twice in a day, you say "Dude, what's wrong with you?" as if going twice in a day is abnormal. The day I went thrice, I thought you were going to call Ripley's. My poor boss installed a weather strip at the bottom of the door thinking that would help. Didn't work. Our poor analyst from India is so afraid of you that he drives to the grocery store to do his business. It's not funny. Also not funny is that you are a former body building champion who wakes up at 2am to work out every single day and could break me in half with your nostrils. Knock it the hell off. Let us poop in peace.

Sweet Kisses,

Poophobic

this has got to be post of the year. Your co-worker sounds funny as hell

+1

:lol:

Possibly the funniest post that has ever graced these pages.

[Captain Quinoa]

How many ### #### times are you going to ask me the same question you ####ing IDIOT?!?! THE SCHEDULE MEANS NOTHING BECAUSE THE DESIGN IS NOT APPROVED. DO YOU ####ING HEAR ME??? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?? I swear on the lives of my children, if you ask me one more stupid question today I will kick you so hard in your dusty old flapper that your 30 year old son will be un-born. NO MORE TALKY TO MIKEY, CAPICHE?

[Sconch]

How many ### #### times are you going to ask me the same question you ####ing IDIOT?!?! THE SCHEDULE MEANS NOTHING BECAUSE THE DESIGN IS NOT APPROVED. DO YOU ####ING HEAR ME??? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?? I swear on the lives of my children, if you ask me one more stupid question today I will kick you so hard in your dusty old flapper that your 30 year old son will be un-born. NO MORE TALKY TO MIKEY, CAPICHE?

How do you like to eat scallops?

[FatMax]

Me: Hey Jake (guy in charge of shipping), we need a truck here on Friday to ship the load going to ABC customer.

Ed: OK, what's going on the load?

Me: <names various pieces of equipment that need to be shipped>

Ed: OK, so when do we want to schedule shipment?

[General Malaise]

Dear Bathroom Play-by-Play/Color Commentator Guy -

When I took this job back in July, I was rather disturbed to learn that the one bathroom in the entire office was located exactly 15 feet from your desk. Throughout my life, I have enjoyed furtive facilities, lightly trafficked and undisturbed. At my last job, I would pass on the frenetic Men’s Room located adjacent to our office doors and opted instead to venture to the quiet 12th floor, where I could poop in utter solitude. Moreover, I consider taking a crap on the company dime my God given right and do my best reading while tucked away in locked isolation.

Furthermore, when our boss forewarned me that you would make my pooping life here at the office a humiliating experience, I was dumbfounded and didn't quite understand the admonishment. He chuckled and said "Just you wait..."

Unfortunately, I couldn't wait, thanks to a healthy heaping of black beans the night prior and thermos full of black coffee that morning. So I grabbed some reading material, went into the bathroom, locked the door and sat. I took a moment to admire the clean facilities, the wicker basket full of magazines and newspapers, the expensive artwork and all the candles. The bathroom even has a lovely shower attached. If ever there was a place designed to enjoy a daily dump, this is it.

And then it started. I let out muted warning shot before the cannon fodder hit the bowl. No sooner did that one note tune exit my body did I hear the cackling sounds of your high pitched laugh, follwed by a loud, obnoxious "WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". For a moment, I thought a hyena had entered the building. Then I remembered our boss's warning and knew right away that you were a debase, deranged version of the SNL "Copy Man" played by Rob Schnieder.

In the weeks and months since, I have been treated to rousing applause and several barked out, creative phrases like "Hey, we're trying to run a business out here" or "Oh my god, somebody has diarrhea" or my favorite "Dude, I'm on the phone!". It doesn't matter how hard I try to make as little noise as possible in there, it's as if you have a stethoscope to the door. You have taken what used to be an enjoyable workday past time and turned it into a traumatic experience. And I'm not alone. Everybody in the office is subject to your maniacal cat calls and turd analysis. What sucks is that when we try to flip the tables on you, you just laugh it off and feed on it. You come out of the bathroom holding up your arms like Rocky Balboa.

Not only do you yell and scream anytime you hear a fart, but you have been counting how many times each of us goes in there. If I go twice in a day, you say "Dude, what's wrong with you?" as if going twice in a day is abnormal. The day I went thrice, I thought you were going to call Ripley's. My poor boss installed a weather strip at the bottom of the door thinking that would help. Didn't work. Our poor analyst from India is so afraid of you that he drives to the grocery store to do his business. It's not funny. Also not funny is that you are a former body building champion who wakes up at 2am to work out every single day and could break me in half with your nostrils. Knock it the hell off. Let us poop in peace.

Sweet Kisses,

Poophobic

this has got to be post of the year. Your co-worker sounds funny as hell

+1

:lol:

Possibly the funniest post that has ever graced these pages.

Whatever happened to this guy?

[Plaid Boxer]

Guy next to me-you have to stop chomping that disgusting gum. The sound and the smell makes me nauseous every day.

[Tusken Raider]

Dear Coworker:

If I have to hear you tell one more person your Valentine's Day story of "I wrote down one thing I love about my wife for each of the 28 years we've been married, tied them to red balloons and let them float throughout the house for her to find"...

Getting about the 9th rendition of this as I type. JFC...

[The Doctor]

you're a useless pos that gets paid 90+ to sit and do absolutely nothing. either retire now or die please choose quickly b/c i want your cube

nobody likes you. stop staring at me, stop getting into all of my converstations. you are nobodys friend you are just annoying old weird guy that carrys a bottle oflotion with you arond the office. the women are afarid of you and your pathietc

[TxBuckeye]

the women are afarid of you and your pathietc

His pathetic what?

[wadegarrett]

the women are afarid of you and your pathietc

His pathetic what?

No, him and his pathietc.

[Mr. Know-It-All]

Dear New Guy,

If you ask me a question on how to do something 50 times, and each time I give you the same answer. Chances are pretty good that you don't need to ask me the 51st time. Now take some ####ing initiative, do your own work and stop trying to get all of your co-workers to coddle you and do your work for you. The new guy excuse is only valid for 3 months - you are now in your 6th month. Now do your ####ing job.

[TxBuckeye]

the women are afarid of you and your pathietc

His pathetic what?

No, him and his pathietc.

Well, you can never be too safe when you are afarid. Edited February 16, 2012 by TxBuckeye

[The Big Guy]

Yes new girl, the referrals that come in on your day off will not be shared with you, now go sit in the corner and apply more makeup while you think about what you just asked me for. Oh by the way, if you are scheduled to come in at 8:15 and we open at 8:30, please let us know that when you run late and come in at the crack of 9AM that you will also have a full coat of make up on like it is prom night. We wouldn't have wanted you to look like, oh I don't know, like you were actually late or anything.