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A note to my coworker ... (4 Viewers)

Keerock said:
Socrates11 said:
Joe T said:
Dear Coworker,

You do not have to talk louder just because you are on speakerphone. The volume of your voice should be exactly the same as when you are not on speakerphone.

I've turned into headphone / music guy because of you. Thanks for that. :mellow:

Joe T.
Click to expand...
I'll see your loud talker on speakerphone and raise you a 'constantly talks to himself and when not talking to himself only whistles Beethoven's 9th symphony'

FML
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And I'll raise YOU cronic belcher. Nonstop, 24x7 with the full stomach grumble, followed by a nauseating belch and topped off by a "blowing" exhale. :X
Click to expand...
sorry GB..wow.

 
kentric said:
fantasycurse42 said:
kentric said:
Dear mystery coworker. Is it possible for you to not leave your pubes on the top of the urinal. I can blow them off, but still, its nasty.

I know for a fact that there are no 7'8" employees here where your junk would be near the top of the urinal and its auto-flush, so there's no need for your hands to be there.
Click to expand...
Unpack this?
Click to expand...
Meant the pubes, not in a glory hole way.
Click to expand...
Still need help here.

 
Plorfu said:
kentric said:
fantasycurse42 said:
kentric said:
Dear mystery coworker. Is it possible for you to not leave your pubes on the top of the urinal. I can blow them off, but still, its nasty.

I know for a fact that there are no 7'8" employees here where your junk would be near the top of the urinal and its auto-flush, so there's no need for your hands to be there.
Click to expand...
Unpack this?
Click to expand...
Meant the pubes, not in a glory hole way.
Click to expand...
Still need help here.
Click to expand...
The pube was on the top of the urinal. I puckered my lips and blew it off the urinal. Luckily it wasn't wet (the urinal) as its an automatic flush.

So the pube took to the air. I whistled a couple of lines of Born Free while it slowly floated to the floor.

 
kentric said:
Plorfu said:
kentric said:
fantasycurse42 said:
kentric said:
Dear mystery coworker. Is it possible for you to not leave your pubes on the top of the urinal. I can blow them off, but still, its nasty.

I know for a fact that there are no 7'8" employees here where your junk would be near the top of the urinal and its auto-flush, so there's no need for your hands to be there.
Click to expand...
Unpack this?
Click to expand...
Meant the pubes, not in a glory hole way.
Click to expand...
Still need help here.
Click to expand...
The pube was on the top of the urinal. I puckered my lips and blew it off the urinal. Luckily it wasn't wet (the urinal) as its an automatic flush.

So the pube took to the air. I whistled a couple of lines of Born Free while it slowly floated to the floor.
Click to expand...
Personally would've kept my distance and moved on :shrug:

 
Dear new coworker,

You do not have to call or me while you are working a 230-630am shift on my day off to see if I'm working. There is a schedule in a cabinet in the breakroom to see who you're working with, or whether I'm working as well. Please stop before I want to stab you.

Thanks

 
kentric said:
Plorfu said:
kentric said:
fantasycurse42 said:
kentric said:
Dear mystery coworker. Is it possible for you to not leave your pubes on the top of the urinal. I can blow them off, but still, its nasty.

I know for a fact that there are no 7'8" employees here where your junk would be near the top of the urinal and its auto-flush, so there's no need for your hands to be there.
Click to expand...
Unpack this?
Click to expand...
Meant the pubes, not in a glory hole way.
Click to expand...
Still need help here.
Click to expand...
The pube was on the top of the urinal. I puckered my lips and blew it off the urinal. Luckily it wasn't wet (the urinal) as its an automatic flush.

So the pube took to the air. I whistled a couple of lines of Born Free while it slowly floated to the floor.
Click to expand...
Why in the world would you do this?

 
shuke said:
kentric said:
Plorfu said:
kentric said:
fantasycurse42 said:
kentric said:
Dear mystery coworker. Is it possible for you to not leave your pubes on the top of the urinal. I can blow them off, but still, its nasty.

I know for a fact that there are no 7'8" employees here where your junk would be near the top of the urinal and its auto-flush, so there's no need for your hands to be there.
Click to expand...
Unpack this?
Click to expand...
Meant the pubes, not in a glory hole way.
Click to expand...
Still need help here.
Click to expand...
The pube was on the top of the urinal. I puckered my lips and blew it off the urinal. Luckily it wasn't wet (the urinal) as its an automatic flush. So the pube took to the air. I whistled a couple of lines of Born Free while it slowly floated to the floor.
Click to expand...
Why in the world would you do this?
Click to expand...
I'm guessing it is as satisfying to him as popping a zit or peeling skin after a sunburn?
 
slackjawedyokel said:
shuke said:
kentric said:
Plorfu said:
kentric said:
fantasycurse42 said:
kentric said:
Dear mystery coworker. Is it possible for you to not leave your pubes on the top of the urinal. I can blow them off, but still, its nasty.

I know for a fact that there are no 7'8" employees here where your junk would be near the top of the urinal and its auto-flush, so there's no need for your hands to be there.
Click to expand...
Unpack this?
Click to expand...
Meant the pubes, not in a glory hole way.
Click to expand...
Still need help here.
Click to expand...
The pube was on the top of the urinal. I puckered my lips and blew it off the urinal. Luckily it wasn't wet (the urinal) as its an automatic flush. So the pube took to the air. I whistled a couple of lines of Born Free while it slowly floated to the floor.
Click to expand...
Why in the world would you do this?
Click to expand...
I'm guessing it is as satisfying to him as popping a zit or peeling skin after a sunburn?
Click to expand...
SJY. You read me like a book. I also have an uncontrollable desire to spit when I see someone spit on the sidewalk. I see a pube on the urinal and there is an uncontrollable desire to blow it off. It may be an ingrained desire to make things look normal - ergo, peeling the skin to make it smoother. Not sure about the spitting part though.

 
kentric said:
slackjawedyokel said:
shuke said:
kentric said:
Plorfu said:
kentric said:
fantasycurse42 said:
kentric said:
Dear mystery coworker. Is it possible for you to not leave your pubes on the top of the urinal. I can blow them off, but still, its nasty.

I know for a fact that there are no 7'8" employees here where your junk would be near the top of the urinal and its auto-flush, so there's no need for your hands to be there.
Click to expand...
Unpack this?
Click to expand...
Meant the pubes, not in a glory hole way.
Click to expand...
Still need help here.
Click to expand...
The pube was on the top of the urinal. I puckered my lips and blew it off the urinal. Luckily it wasn't wet (the urinal) as its an automatic flush. So the pube took to the air. I whistled a couple of lines of Born Free while it slowly floated to the floor.
Click to expand...
Why in the world would you do this?
Click to expand...
I'm guessing it is as satisfying to him as popping a zit or peeling skin after a sunburn?
Click to expand...
SJY. You read me like a book. I also have an uncontrollable desire to spit when I see someone spit on the sidewalk. I see a pube on the urinal and there is an uncontrollable desire to blow it off. It may be an ingrained desire to make things look normal - ergo, peeling the skin to make it smoother. Not sure about the spitting part though.
Click to expand...
Since you seem to have some experience in this area, do pubes exhibit a predictable flight pattern? I think the chief concern with BLOWING PUBES OFF URINALS would be the risk of something going awry. Let's be honest, this action seems to be completely unnecessary to begin with. But if you insist on a clean urinal surface, aren't you afraid that one flies like a poorly constructed paper airplane and flips a 180 right onto you? Sounds like an absolutely horrifying risk.

 
kentric said:
slackjawedyokel said:
shuke said:
kentric said:
Plorfu said:
kentric said:
fantasycurse42 said:
kentric said:
Dear mystery coworker. Is it possible for you to not leave your pubes on the top of the urinal. I can blow them off, but still, its nasty.

I know for a fact that there are no 7'8" employees here where your junk would be near the top of the urinal and its auto-flush, so there's no need for your hands to be there.
Click to expand...
Unpack this?
Click to expand...
Meant the pubes, not in a glory hole way.
Click to expand...
Still need help here.
Click to expand...
The pube was on the top of the urinal. I puckered my lips and blew it off the urinal. Luckily it wasn't wet (the urinal) as its an automatic flush. So the pube took to the air. I whistled a couple of lines of Born Free while it slowly floated to the floor.
Click to expand...
Why in the world would you do this?
Click to expand...
I'm guessing it is as satisfying to him as popping a zit or peeling skin after a sunburn?
Click to expand...
SJY. You read me like a book. I also have an uncontrollable desire to spit when I see someone spit on the sidewalk. I see a pube on the urinal and there is an uncontrollable desire to blow it off. It may be an ingrained desire to make things look normal - ergo, peeling the skin to make it smoother. Not sure about the spitting part though.
Click to expand...
Likes to blow pubes and spit. I'm sure lots of notebooks getting updated today.

 
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42

 
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Are they hiring?

 
TheIronSheik said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Are they hiring?
Click to expand...
Yes, if you're looking for a job that requires a lot of finger pointing, little work, a ton of vacation, and good pay we may be a fit. In fact, I think that is verbatim the job descriptions that are currently up.

 
Dear sir,

Please stop farting silently or burping silently and stinking up the area. There are only 5 of us here. It's not like an airplane where you can do this and hide amongst the 200 other passengers. Plus, by simply using my power of deduction, I can figure out that you did it because you do it when some people are not working. If you have to take a crap, go do so. I'd rather you take 20 breaks a day rather than have to sit in an area that smells like a Body Farm.

 
fantasycurse42 said:
TheIronSheik said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Are they hiring?
Click to expand...
Yes, if you're looking for a job that requires a lot of finger pointing, little work, a ton of vacation, and good pay we may be a fit. In fact, I think that is verbatim the job descriptions that are currently up.
Click to expand...
Sweet. Do you mind writing up a resume to send in for me? Also, if something is wrong on it, blame it on the guy next to you. Let me know when I'll get my first paycheck as I'll be taking my vacation starting tomorrow.

 
TheIronSheik said:
fantasycurse42 said:
TheIronSheik said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Are they hiring?
Click to expand...
Yes, if you're looking for a job that requires a lot of finger pointing, little work, a ton of vacation, and good pay we may be a fit. In fact, I think that is verbatim the job descriptions that are currently up.
Click to expand...
Sweet. Do you mind writing up a resume to send in for me? Also, if something is wrong on it, blame it on the guy next to you. Let me know when I'll get my first paycheck as I'll be taking my vacation starting tomorrow.
Click to expand...
It is funny, but it isn't bc they will hire the above.

 
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Dear salesman,

Stop promising some potential customer an unrealistic lead time, on an unrealistic product with a selling price less than I can find an eight-year-old in Bangladesh to actually make your crappy product. Oh, I'm sorry you're not getting your quarter of a point on this $2,500 order, but maybe if you took the time to learn anything about what you're selling, instead of bragging about flying economy plus, you'd realize that you're costing the company money. I know in your world, you blink your eyes and finished goods appear in front of you, but in the real world there are social compliance audits, import procedures, shipping rates, duty rates and a whole host of of other reasons why you're not going to have your widget for 60 days. Please, see if Spacely's Sprockets is hiring, because all we do is waste money on your orders.

Yours in Christ,

G

 
Gawain said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Dear salesman,

Stop promising some potential customer an unrealistic lead time, on an unrealistic product with a selling price less than I can find an eight-year-old in Bangladesh to actually make your crappy product. Oh, I'm sorry you're not getting your quarter of a point on this $2,500 order, but maybe if you took the time to learn anything about what you're selling, instead of bragging about flying economy plus, you'd realize that you're costing the company money. I know in your world, you blink your eyes and finished goods appear in front of you, but in the real world there are social compliance audits, import procedures, shipping rates, duty rates and a whole host of of other reasons why you're not going to have your widget for 60 days. Please, see if Spacely's Sprockets is hiring, because all we do is waste money on your orders.

Yours in Christ,

G
Click to expand...
Dear Senior Manager of Inventory Conversion Analysis/Desk Management/Office Procedure Guy,

While I like the new title, not a single person in your entire department has any ability to deal/sell/or so much interact with our customers and prospects. Unfortunately for you, we are a vital part (prob the most vital) of our organization :shrug:

Good luck pretending to crunch numbers while you are really sitting there playing Minesweeper.

Best,

FC42

 
fantasycurse42 said:
Gawain said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Dear salesman,

Stop promising some potential customer an unrealistic lead time, on an unrealistic product with a selling price less than I can find an eight-year-old in Bangladesh to actually make your crappy product. Oh, I'm sorry you're not getting your quarter of a point on this $2,500 order, but maybe if you took the time to learn anything about what you're selling, instead of bragging about flying economy plus, you'd realize that you're costing the company money. I know in your world, you blink your eyes and finished goods appear in front of you, but in the real world there are social compliance audits, import procedures, shipping rates, duty rates and a whole host of of other reasons why you're not going to have your widget for 60 days. Please, see if Spacely's Sprockets is hiring, because all we do is waste money on your orders.

Yours in Christ,

G
Click to expand...
Dear Senior Manager of Inventory Conversion Analysis/Desk Management/Office Procedure Guy,

While I like the new title, not a single person in your entire department has any ability to deal/sell/or so much interact with our customers and prospects. Unfortunately for you, we are a vital part (prob the most vital) of our organization :shrug:

Good luck pretending to crunch numbers while you are really sitting there playing Minesweeper.

Best,

FC42
Click to expand...
Do you guys work for the same company?

 
^ Pretty sure he is just venting salesguy frustrations. We can be honest here, every department in every company hates sales and BD the most.

 
fantasycurse42 said:
Gawain said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Dear salesman,

Stop promising some potential customer an unrealistic lead time, on an unrealistic product with a selling price less than I can find an eight-year-old in Bangladesh to actually make your crappy product. Oh, I'm sorry you're not getting your quarter of a point on this $2,500 order, but maybe if you took the time to learn anything about what you're selling, instead of bragging about flying economy plus, you'd realize that you're costing the company money. I know in your world, you blink your eyes and finished goods appear in front of you, but in the real world there are social compliance audits, import procedures, shipping rates, duty rates and a whole host of of other reasons why you're not going to have your widget for 60 days. Please, see if Spacely's Sprockets is hiring, because all we do is waste money on your orders.

Yours in Christ,

G
Click to expand...
Dear Senior Manager of Inventory Conversion Analysis/Desk Management/Office Procedure Guy,

While I like the new title, not a single person in your entire department has any ability to deal/sell/or so much interact with our customers and prospects. Unfortunately for you, we are a vital part (prob the most vital) of our organization :shrug:

Good luck pretending to crunch numbers while you are really sitting there playing Minesweeper.

Best,

FC42
Click to expand...
Dear King of Broken Promises and Prince of Chargebacks,

Generally, my new titles arise after I've had to meet with one of your customers who is going to leave because again you promised the moon, but received only Limburger. In order to retain their business, I have to be a VP of Logistics, a Chief Compliance Officer or some other title to prove to the customer, we're that concerned about your gross incompetence. Sadly, the "promotion" only comes with more responsibility and a shovel, to try to get the company out of the hole you've dug. Sales is a vital part of the organization, however, you are not. Please enjoy your eight hour flight and the days away from your family, warmth in the knowledge that the only bigger idiots than sales, are buyers.

Walk with the Lord,

G

 
Gawain said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Gawain said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
Click to expand...
Dear salesman,

Stop promising some potential customer an unrealistic lead time, on an unrealistic product with a selling price less than I can find an eight-year-old in Bangladesh to actually make your crappy product. Oh, I'm sorry you're not getting your quarter of a point on this $2,500 order, but maybe if you took the time to learn anything about what you're selling, instead of bragging about flying economy plus, you'd realize that you're costing the company money. I know in your world, you blink your eyes and finished goods appear in front of you, but in the real world there are social compliance audits, import procedures, shipping rates, duty rates and a whole host of of other reasons why you're not going to have your widget for 60 days. Please, see if Spacely's Sprockets is hiring, because all we do is waste money on your orders.

Yours in Christ,

G
Click to expand...
Dear Senior Manager of Inventory Conversion Analysis/Desk Management/Office Procedure Guy,

While I like the new title, not a single person in your entire department has any ability to deal/sell/or so much interact with our customers and prospects. Unfortunately for you, we are a vital part (prob the most vital) of our organization :shrug:

Good luck pretending to crunch numbers while you are really sitting there playing Minesweeper.

Best,

FC42
Click to expand...
Dear King of Broken Promises and Prince of Chargebacks,

Generally, my new titles arise after I've had to meet with one of your customers who is going to leave because again you promised the moon, but received only Limburger. In order to retain their business, I have to be a VP of Logistics, a Chief Compliance Officer or some other title to prove to the customer, we're that concerned about your gross incompetence. Sadly, the "promotion" only comes with more responsibility and a shovel, to try to get the company out of the hole you've dug. Sales is a vital part of the organization, however, you are not. Please enjoy your eight hour flight and the days away from your family, warmth in the knowledge that the only bigger idiots than sales, are buyers.

Walk with the Lord,

G
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Everything in my industry is exchanged digitally (no physical goods). Not sure what accounts you are overseeing or apparently ####ty products your salespeople are selling, but "chargeback" is an archaic word to me that I haven't encountered in over 5 years. Just about every contract I am involved with has an out-clause of 2 weeks with no contingencies, some even less. Of 50 contracts, I might have 3 or 4 cancel early, so I don't think you are comprehending my complaints as it sounds like we are involved in two completely different types of sales.

 
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Anyone work for a company where Sales and manufacturing/operations/service delivery don't hate each other? You guys hiring?

 
If given the choice, I'll always hang out with the BD folks. They've got the big expense accounts and know how to have a good time in any city.

 
fantasycurse42 said:
Gawain said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Gawain said:
fantasycurse42 said:
Dear Entire Operations and Client Services Dept,

For the better part of the last 4 years you guys have done nothing. Not only do you not help the sales team as is one of your primary functions, you actually interfere and hurt us all too often. You guys are completely useless and if I was the SVP of our division, > 90% of you would be fired. We have certain processes in place which specifically detail your functions, yet when someone comes along and asks you to perform one of these duties you send us to another department and then complain to senior management. They do not care about our day to day and by not doing your job we all look bad, you a little worse though, idiots. I'm glad senior management decided to expand your team instead of just firing you, great use of resources, now we can have twice as many of you doing half of the half of work you already do. The new job titles you are all assigning yourselves are really cute too, I'm just ecstatic that they do not come with raises, as none of you deserve even what you make right now. Good luck, you ugly pig / Senior Manager of Process, Complaince, and Daily Duties - You sound important, but I'm very happy to be out-earning you 4-1.

Go #### yourself you useless waste of office space & sincerely,

FC42
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Dear salesman,

Stop promising some potential customer an unrealistic lead time, on an unrealistic product with a selling price less than I can find an eight-year-old in Bangladesh to actually make your crappy product. Oh, I'm sorry you're not getting your quarter of a point on this $2,500 order, but maybe if you took the time to learn anything about what you're selling, instead of bragging about flying economy plus, you'd realize that you're costing the company money. I know in your world, you blink your eyes and finished goods appear in front of you, but in the real world there are social compliance audits, import procedures, shipping rates, duty rates and a whole host of of other reasons why you're not going to have your widget for 60 days. Please, see if Spacely's Sprockets is hiring, because all we do is waste money on your orders.

Yours in Christ,

G
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Dear Senior Manager of Inventory Conversion Analysis/Desk Management/Office Procedure Guy,

While I like the new title, not a single person in your entire department has any ability to deal/sell/or so much interact with our customers and prospects. Unfortunately for you, we are a vital part (prob the most vital) of our organization :shrug:

Good luck pretending to crunch numbers while you are really sitting there playing Minesweeper.

Best,

FC42
Click to expand...
Dear King of Broken Promises and Prince of Chargebacks,

Generally, my new titles arise after I've had to meet with one of your customers who is going to leave because again you promised the moon, but received only Limburger. In order to retain their business, I have to be a VP of Logistics, a Chief Compliance Officer or some other title to prove to the customer, we're that concerned about your gross incompetence. Sadly, the "promotion" only comes with more responsibility and a shovel, to try to get the company out of the hole you've dug. Sales is a vital part of the organization, however, you are not. Please enjoy your eight hour flight and the days away from your family, warmth in the knowledge that the only bigger idiots than sales, are buyers.

Walk with the Lord,

G
Click to expand...
Everything in my industry is exchanged digitally (no physical goods). Not sure what accounts you are overseeing or apparently ####ty products your salespeople are selling, but "chargeback" is an archaic word to me that I haven't encountered in over 5 years. Just about every contract I am involved with has an out-clause of 2 weeks with no contingencies, some even less. Of 50 contracts, I might have 3 or 4 cancel early, so I don't think you are comprehending my complaints as it sounds like we are involved in two completely different types of sales.
Click to expand...
So, are you Uncle Magic, or are you Shakeem the Clown?

 
Gawain said:
So, are you Uncle Magic, or are you Shakeem the Clown?
Click to expand...
It is Uncle Majic and Shock-Kim the Clown. HTH... Typical, I need to fix an error off of account management :kicksrock:

In all seriousness, I'm thinking of hiring them for my boys birthday party, think it would be great shtick for anyone who has seen the infomercial.

 
TheIronSheik said:
Dear sir,

Please stop farting silently or burping silently and stinking up the area. There are only 5 of us here. It's not like an airplane where you can do this and hide amongst the 200 other passengers. Plus, by simply using my power of deduction, I can figure out that you did it because you do it when some people are not working. If you have to take a crap, go do so. I'd rather you take 20 breaks a day rather than have to sit in an area that smells like a Body Farm.
Click to expand...
Two weeks ago, my wife wrote a similar letter and left it on every desk in her office. Actually true.

 
Disco Stu said:
TheIronSheik said:
Dear sir,

Please stop farting silently or burping silently and stinking up the area. There are only 5 of us here. It's not like an airplane where you can do this and hide amongst the 200 other passengers. Plus, by simply using my power of deduction, I can figure out that you did it because you do it when some people are not working. If you have to take a crap, go do so. I'd rather you take 20 breaks a day rather than have to sit in an area that smells like a Body Farm.
Click to expand...
Two weeks ago, my wife wrote a similar letter and left it on every desk in her office. Actually true.
Click to expand...
Do not brag about that...

 
Disco Stu said:
TheIronSheik said:
Dear sir,

Please stop farting silently or burping silently and stinking up the area. There are only 5 of us here. It's not like an airplane where you can do this and hide amongst the 200 other passengers. Plus, by simply using my power of deduction, I can figure out that you did it because you do it when some people are not working. If you have to take a crap, go do so. I'd rather you take 20 breaks a day rather than have to sit in an area that smells like a Body Farm.
Click to expand...
Two weeks ago, my wife wrote a similar letter and left it on every desk in her office. Actually true.
Click to expand...
Did she leave one on her own desk too or own it?
 
Dear co-workers,

I don't care if you want to be able to hear your phone ring if you're down the hall, having your ringer volume on full blast is annoying. Especially since you ignore it anyway. Also, if you're going to leave your cell phone on your desk when you're not there, put it on vibrate. No one wants to hear LMFAO's Party Rock ringtone blasting over and over.

Thanks,
Sheik

P.S. When you eventually answer your cell phone, tell whoever it is that calls you to leave a message. And to not keep calling back 15 times in a row hoping you'll pick up.

 
TheIronSheik said:
Dear co-workers,

I don't care if you want to be able to hear your phone ring if you're down the hall, having your ringer volume on full blast is annoying. Especially since you ignore it anyway. Also, if you're going to leave your cell phone on your desk when you're not there, put it on vibrate. No one wants to hear LMFAO's Party Rock ringtone blasting over and over.

Thanks,

Sheik

P.S. When you eventually answer your cell phone, tell whoever it is that calls you to leave a message. And to not keep calling back 15 times in a row hoping you'll pick up.
Click to expand...
Where I used to work an unwritten rule was that if you left your cel on your desk as you went somewhere else and it rang while yo were away, you could expect to find it in your trashcan when you came back. People soon changed their habits. It should be said that there was an inset in the trashcan for organics and the phone would be deposited in the other part.

 
I will take someone's phone that keeps ringing and turn it on mute, then shut the phone down. I'm not going to sit there and listen to it over and over again.

 
Dear "Director,"

Last week you were stripped of all your responsibilities and literally are now paid to do absolutely nothing. When asked to accept the severance package and resign, I thought it was pretty ballsy when you said, "No thanks. I'd like to continue collecting my paychecks." I don't see many ways that this ends well for you but we do work for quite the incompetent employer, that we all know.

Dear company,

Why are we ONCE AGAIN paying someone to not work? The last time we did this, the guy collected a year's worth of paychecks and billed exactly 17 total hours on the year (of which 5 were written off as work that should have been accomplished in 15 minutes). Wait.

Dear company,

How can I get in on the "no work, collect paycheck" racket? It looks like fun. I would promise to provide no value whatsoever. I'll even work from home so the office doesn't have to watch me do nothing and collect paycheck after paycheck. Please let me know what I need to do (or for that matter, not do) to accept such a position at the company.

 
Hey teams that I haven't interfaced with in about 4 years,

Thanks for everyone sending me calendar invites when you will be working from home, flying, or going to the doctor. I appreciate knowing these details that have zero impact on my day or job. I like how some of you can't figure out how to send a week long vacation in one invite and for some reason send 5 invites (one for each day, bravo). With all of this being said, it would be much appreciated if you left me and the entire office off of these invites as 3 out of 4 of us don't give a flying ####!

Warmest wishes and have a nice doctors appointment,

FC42

 
Dear girl sitting next to me at work,

Thank you for chewing your whole carrots like you are Mr. Ed. It is a nice complement to the sounds of you banging on your keyboard because the letters and numbers on your screen appear better when applied with 9,857psi.

While you're at it, laugh out loud all day while reading Facebook and watching videos, because it IS funny that you are using large amounts of bandwidth all day while the rest of us are trying to do our jobs.

 
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ChiefD said:
Dear girl sitting next to me at work,

Thank you for chewing your whole carrots like you are Mr. Ed. It is a nice complement to the sounds of you banging on your keyboard because the letters and numbers on your screen appear better when applied with 9,857psi.

While you're at it, laugh out loud all day while reading Facebook and watching videos, because it IS funny that you are using large amounts of bandwidth all day while the rest of us are trying to do our jobs.
Click to expand...
:lmao:

 
I always meant to ask you this, former co-workers:

How do you not flush the urinals?

I don't ask this to denigrate your hygienic habits. I'm genuinely curious how you do it. These things are automatic flush. If I'm the next person in the bathroom, I flush it using the button next to the sensor. Then, when I finish, I step back, and sure enough...it flushes.

The only possible explanations are, as far as I can tell:

1) You are urinating from a ridiculous distance.

2) You are a toilet ninja.

 
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fantasycurse42 said:
^ Pretty sure he is just venting salesguy frustrations. We can be honest here, every department in every company hates sales and BD the most.
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I would rather speak to a customer that just had one of our trucks drive into their building than speak to most of our reps about anything. Actually I would rather speak to one of our customers that had one of our trucks drive into their personal vehicle, that had their dog in it, that then got pushed through their building and into the preschool next door that their son attends.

It would likely be a much more pleasant and honest discussion.

 
The Goat said:
I always meant to ask you this, former co-workers:

How do you not flush the urinals?

I don't ask this to denigrate your hygienic habits. I'm genuinely curious how you do it. These things are automatic flush. If I'm the next person in the bathroom, I flush it using the button next to the sensor. Then, when I finish, I step back, and sure enough...it flushes.

The only possible explanations are, as far as I can tell:

1) You are urinating from a ridiculous distance.

2) You are a toilet ninja.
Click to expand...
:lol:

Not exactly my co-workers, but my company shares a floor with a larger law firm, so we have shared bathrooms. These guys are f'in ridiculous with bathroom habits. These tools must pee from 3 feet back or have the smallest units on Earth (I'm guessing the latter), as there's always a pool of dribbled piss at the base of wall urinal.

Dudes, take a step in, the urinal is not going to bite your tiny peepee off.

 
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