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****Official**** depression thread


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Good luck with your brain, Bart.

Thanks GB. I couldn't sleep again, just got up for the second time. Good news is I didn't have any nightmares/terrors I did dream I was in Detroit trying to get hold of GM so we could go gambling. :mellow:I haven't seen you around in a while GB, I hope all is well with you. I'll take a PM if you like.
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How did my day start? First thing out of bed I find a very mellow, sad Mrs. SLB. One of her good friends has a son with MD. He is 18 and was to start college next week. He died in his sleep last night. He was a big Cards fan and last week he got to go on the field during batting practice as well as meet the players. I'm glad he got to do that.

Now I really feel like a donkey dick for whining about a lousy concussion & broken neck. *sigh*

Funny thing about life, it can almost always be worse. This better be one big ####### reality show like joke where when you die you wake up someplace else where everybody points and laughs at you.

Edited by Sheriff Bart
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Found out yesterday that a FOF (my Uncle's BIL) had a severe stroke over the weekend. They live in Michigan and I had him and his wife over for Thanksgiving last year. He is sleeping 3-4 hours for every 10-15 minutes he's awake.

Ugh. The hits just keep on coming.Speaking of... and I don't want to depress you any more than you are, but- did you know that Sheriff Bart is shtupping your wife?
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Found out yesterday that a FOF (my Uncle's BIL) had a severe stroke over the weekend. They live in Michigan and I had him and his wife over for Thanksgiving last year. He is sleeping 3-4 hours for every 10-15 minutes he's awake.

Ugh. The hits just keep on coming.Speaking of... and I don't want to depress you any more than you are, but- did you know that Sheriff Bart is shtupping your wife?
:lol:
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Found out yesterday that a FOF (my Uncle's BIL) had a severe stroke over the weekend. They live in Michigan and I had him and his wife over for Thanksgiving last year. He is sleeping 3-4 hours for every 10-15 minutes he's awake.

My condolences GB.Hang in there Bob. I know it's tough to keep it positive, but you have to, for the boys if not for yourself.If you don't keep it positive when I go down to Decatur to see my daughter, I'm going to make a side trip and kick yor ### until you are positive! :boxing:
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Found out yesterday that a FOF (my Uncle's BIL) had a severe stroke over the weekend. They live in Michigan and I had him and his wife over for Thanksgiving last year. He is sleeping 3-4 hours for every 10-15 minutes he's awake.

Ugh. The hits just keep on coming.

Speaking of... and I don't want to depress you any more than you are, but- did you know that Sheriff Bart is shtupping your wife?

:lmao:
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Found out yesterday that a FOF (my Uncle's BIL) had a severe stroke over the weekend. They live in Michigan and I had him and his wife over for Thanksgiving last year. He is sleeping 3-4 hours for every 10-15 minutes he's awake.

Ugh. The hits just keep on coming.

Speaking of... and I don't want to depress you any more than you are, but- did you know that Sheriff Bart is shtupping your wife?

:lmao:
:lmao: :lmao:
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Found out yesterday that a FOF (my Uncle's BIL) had a severe stroke over the weekend. They live in Michigan and I had him and his wife over for Thanksgiving last year. He is sleeping 3-4 hours for every 10-15 minutes he's awake.

Ugh. The hits just keep on coming.

Speaking of... and I don't want to depress you any more than you are, but- did you know that Sheriff Bart is shtupping your wife?

:lmao:
:lmao: :lmao:
:lmao::lmao::lmao:
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I got a buddy whose dad had depression and killed himself at 18. I guess it's a DNA thing cuz my buddy has taken depression meds for years. What are "side effects" of depression besides the obvious stuff?

Lack of energy, sleeping a lot, no interest in usual activities. It can vary a bit based on which stage they're in but left untreated depression can become a very serious problem. Life crippling. If your buddy has been on meds for years I'm sure he and his doctors have found a good combination that works.

General information

Sorry life is crapping on you at the moment, Bob.

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I got a buddy whose dad had depression and killed himself at 18. I guess it's a DNA thing cuz my buddy has taken depression meds for years. What are "side effects" of depression besides the obvious stuff?

Lack of energy, sleeping a lot, no interest in usual activities. It can vary a bit based on which stage they're in but left untreated depression can become a very serious problem. Life crippling. If your buddy has been on meds for years I'm sure he and his doctors have found a good combination that works.

General information

Sorry life is crapping on you at the moment, Bob.

Thanks GB. I was just informed my companies 401k is going to be audited by the IRS. F. M. L. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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How did my day start? First thing out of bed I find a very mellow, sad Mrs. SLB. One of her good friends has a son with MD. He is 18 and was to start college next week. He died in his sleep last night. He was a big Cards fan and last week he got to go on the field during batting practice as well as meet the players. I'm glad he got to do that.

Now I really feel like a donkey dick for whining about a lousy concussion & broken neck. *sigh*

Funny thing about life, it can almost always be worse. This better be one big ####### reality show like joke where when you die you wake up someplace else where everybody points and laughs at you.

Story

:cry:

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How did my day start? First thing out of bed I find a very mellow, sad Mrs. SLB. One of her good friends has a son with MD. He is 18 and was to start college next week. He died in his sleep last night. He was a big Cards fan and last week he got to go on the field during batting practice as well as meet the players. I'm glad he got to do that.

Now I really feel like a donkey dick for whining about a lousy concussion & broken neck. *sigh*

Funny thing about life, it can almost always be worse. This better be one big ####### reality show like joke where when you die you wake up someplace else where everybody points and laughs at you.

Story

:cry:

I was thinking the other day that you might have the worst luck of anyone I know because you always seem to have relatives, friends or friends of friends with issues. Then it dawned on me that it's probably just because you're an awesome guy and you have a ton of friends :thumbup:
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How did my day start? First thing out of bed I find a very mellow, sad Mrs. SLB. One of her good friends has a son with MD. He is 18 and was to start college next week. He died in his sleep last night. He was a big Cards fan and last week he got to go on the field during batting practice as well as meet the players. I'm glad he got to do that.

Now I really feel like a donkey dick for whining about a lousy concussion & broken neck. *sigh*

Funny thing about life, it can almost always be worse. This better be one big ####### reality show like joke where when you die you wake up someplace else where everybody points and laughs at you.

Story

:cry:

I was thinking the other day that you might have the worst luck of anyone I know because you always seem to have relatives, friends or friends of friends with issues. Then it dawned on me that it's probably just because you're an awesome guy and you have a ton of friends :thumbup:
Wow, I don't know what to say but thank you.
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How did my day start? First thing out of bed I find a very mellow, sad Mrs. SLB. One of her good friends has a son with MD. He is 18 and was to start college next week. He died in his sleep last night. He was a big Cards fan and last week he got to go on the field during batting practice as well as meet the players. I'm glad he got to do that.

Now I really feel like a donkey dick for whining about a lousy concussion & broken neck. *sigh*

Funny thing about life, it can almost always be worse. This better be one big ####### reality show like joke where when you die you wake up someplace else where everybody points and laughs at you.

Story

:cry:

I was thinking the other day that you might have the worst luck of anyone I know because you always seem to have relatives, friends or friends of friends with issues. Then it dawned on me that it's probably just because you're an awesome guy and you have a ton of friends :thumbup:
I concur.

:thumbup:

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Thanks GB. I was just informed my companies 401k is going to be audited by the IRS. F. M. L. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

FWIW, I wouldn't worry about this. Happens all the time at random - assuming, like you said, it's an IRS audit. They're just looking to make sure that the 5500 is completed correctly. I'd be more worried if it was a DOL compliance thing.
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  • 1 month later...

Sorry, it has been awhile. Holding it all back.

In chronological order:

1. Well most of you know how my 24 year old nephew was "died" a few months ago. Yeah, that has been tough.

2. Since then, my largest client is about to be bought out. They account for more than half of annual income. If we lose them (it isn't guaranteed at this point, I do have them under contract and the CEO said he would do anything he could to help me) it will have a major impact on the overall company of which I'm an owner along with my Dad & Uncle.

3. Because of #2 my Mom & Dad canceled the contract on the new house they were going to buy a mile away from us. So now they will continue to be 32 miles away. We are all depressed.

3a. My little sister called complaining to M&D now that she didn't have enough money and it wasn't fair they don't give her more. This makes having M&D so far away from me, the boys and there daughter-in-law that much worse.

4. Uruk-Hai announces he has terminal cancer and about a year to live.

5. Then just Monday, find out my GB Shirley, whom I started working with when I was 17, and she now works for us, had a growth in her colon. I figured it was horrible because they got her in for surgery today. Just got off the phone with my Dad, she has cancer everywhere including her liver. :cry: :cry: :cry:

I'm starting to think 2012 is the end of the world.

Get a colonoscopy my iFriends. Please.

Edited by Sheriff Bart
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Sorry, it has been awhile. Holding it all back.

In chronological order:

1. Well most of you know how my 24 year old nephew was "died" a few months ago. Yeah, that has been tough.

2. Since then, my largest client is about to be bought out. They account for more than half of annual income. If we lose them (it isn't guaranteed at this point, I do have them under contract and the CEO said he would do anything he could to help me) it will have a major impact on the overall company of which I'm an owner along with my Dad & Uncle.

3. Because of #2 my Mom & Dad canceled the contract on the new house they were going to buy a mile away from us. So now they will continue to be 32 miles away. We are all depressed.

3a. My little sister called complaining to M&D now that she didn't have enough money and it wasn't fair they don't give her more. This makes having M&D so far away from me, the boys and there daughter-in-law that much worse.

4. Uruk-Hai announces he has terminal cancer and about a year to live.

5. Then just Monday, find out my GB Shirley, whom I started working with when I was 17, and she now works for us, had a growth in her colon. I figured it was horrible because they got her in for surgery today. Just got off the phone with my Dad, she has cancer everywhere including her liver. :cry: :cry: :cry:

I'm starting to think 2012 is the end of the world.

Get a colonoscopy my iFriends. Please.

re: #2.... any chance that when the company gets bought out, the new ownership maintains business with you? I wouldn't write that one off just yet.

re: #4.... this is the first time I'm hearing this news. :o:(:cry:

re: #5... are you guys selling Plutonium or somehting? That's just tooooooo many cancer people around you bob/bart. As somebody who had both parents get hit with C and lose one to it, I feel for you. #### you cancer.

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Sorry, it has been awhile. Holding it all back.

In chronological order:

1. Well most of you know how my 24 year old nephew was "died" a few months ago. Yeah, that has been tough.

2. Since then, my largest client is about to be bought out. They account for more than half of annual income. If we lose them (it isn't guaranteed at this point, I do have them under contract and the CEO said he would do anything he could to help me) it will have a major impact on the overall company of which I'm an owner along with my Dad & Uncle.

3. Because of #2 my Mom & Dad canceled the contract on the new house they were going to buy a mile away from us. So now they will continue to be 32 miles away. We are all depressed.

3a. My little sister called complaining to M&D now that she didn't have enough money and it wasn't fair they don't give her more. This makes having M&D so far away from me, the boys and there daughter-in-law that much worse.

4. Uruk-Hai announces he has terminal cancer and about a year to live.

5. Then just Monday, find out my GB Shirley, whom I started working with when I was 17, and she now works for us, had a growth in her colon. I figured it was horrible because they got her in for surgery today. Just got off the phone with my Dad, she has cancer everywhere including her liver. :cry: :cry: :cry:

I'm starting to think 2012 is the end of the world.

Get a colonoscopy my iFriends. Please.

re: #2.... any chance that when the company gets bought out, the new ownership maintains business with you? I wouldn't write that one off just yet.

re: #4.... this is the first time I'm hearing this news. :o:(:cry:

re: #5... are you guys selling Plutonium or somehting? That's just tooooooo many cancer people around you bob/bart. As somebody who had both parents get hit with C and lose one to it, I feel for you. #### you cancer.

First, how are you doing my brother?

#2 I'm not writing it off but its a scary proposition. I've worked hard for these people and the good news is they know and appreciate it.

#4 Yeah, I know. :(:cry:

#5 The government has knowingly allowed nuclear waste to be recklessly disposed of for years around here. I promise you I'll get cancer too if I don't have it already. Hell, I used to play in a creek that had nuclear waste in it almost every day as a kid. I'm sure it will be contributed to cigarettes though. :rolleyes:

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4. Uruk-Hai announces he has terminal cancer and about a year to live.

I drank through the worst of the depression (not recommended) then therapied my way out of the rest of it (highly recommended). From that point until this week, I had come to terms with it and was ok (though, to be honest, the bad #### hasn't arrived yet). I don't have any kids and all of my near relatives are at least as well-off as I am, so it's not like I have to worry about dependents. And my life has been fantastic, so I don't have a ton of self-pity anymore.Slight update is that my mom has talked me into seeing another oncologist. I'm still not sure if I'd take anymore treatment (it really sucks), but it ain't gonna hurt to talk to someone new I guess. But that kind of dredges up the worry/fear/apprehension again (fired up the therapy bus again). In any case, not doing squat til after the holidays. Going to Nicaragua in December. FBGal krista4 has two villas down there and was kind enough to rent me one for a week. Can't wait for that! Edited by Uruk-Hai
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very depressed today. had no clue about urak hai. is there a thread? im so sorry to hear that. also sorry to hear about your rough luck SLB.

For my part, I'm good shady. What's eating at you?
nothing specific. i go thru good times and bad times. been thinking alot about my mom lately since my bday is coming up and i need a lot of life advice right now and i have no one to talk to. she was always there for me and shes been gone 7 months now and still havent gotten over it.
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4. Uruk-Hai announces he has terminal cancer and about a year to live.

I drank through the worst of the depression (not recommended) then therapied my way out of the rest of it (highly recommended). From that point until this week, I had come to terms with it and was ok (though, to be honest, the bad #### hasn't arrived yet). I don't have any kids and all of my near relatives are at least as well-off as I am, so it's not like I have to worry about dependents. And my life has been fantastic, so I don't have a ton of self-pity anymore.Slight update is that my mom has talked me into seeing another oncologist. I'm still not sure if I'd take anymore treatment (it really sucks), but it ain't gonna hurt to talk to someone new I guess. But that kind of dredges up the worry/fear/apprehension again (fired up the therapy bus again). In any case, not doing squat til after the holidays. Going to Nicaragua in December. FBGal krista4 has two villas down there and was kind enough to rent me one for a week. Can't wait for that!
Wow. Very sorry to hear that. Best of luck with the treatment.
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very depressed today. had no clue about urak hai. is there a thread? im so sorry to hear that. also sorry to hear about your rough luck SLB.

For my part, I'm good shady. What's eating at you?
nothing specific. i go thru good times and bad times. been thinking alot about my mom lately since my bday is coming up and i need a lot of life advice right now and i have no one to talk to. she was always there for me and shes been gone 7 months now and still havent gotten over it.
:( Hang in there GB.
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  • 3 weeks later...

A long time family friend has been battling cancer for four years. I've called her Aunt and her husband Uncle. Hell I still call him Uncle.

On Monday there was a FB post from a mutual friend that she was cancer free and recovering nicely. Just as I was making that last post in the GMTAN, my Dad walked into my office to say she broke her hip because of the cancer,they found it in other places and she doesn't have long to live.

Hey cancer, go #### yourself. :(

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A long time family friend has been battling cancer for four years. I've called her Aunt and her husband Uncle. Hell I still call him Uncle. On Monday there was a FB post from a mutual friend that she was cancer free and recovering nicely. Just as I was making that last post in the GMTAN, my Dad walked into my office to say she broke her hip because of the cancer,they found it in other places and she doesn't have long to live.Hey cancer, go #### yourself. :(

God Dammit. #### you, cancer.
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I'm not really dealing with any major issues outside of what problems are caused by my depression. But I read this article on 12 signs of depression in men and I have 10 of the 12. If my wife wasn't such a beer nazi, I'd probably have 11 of the 12. Other one I don't have is back/stomach pain, but I'm in fairly decent shape and eat healthy (again, thanks to the wife). The one that hit home the hardest was "Indecision". The description had a quote from a shrink who said, "I can't count he number of people who have said, 'I had money in the bank but the phone got shut off because I couldn't bring myself to pay the bill or decide what to do and when.' It gets overwhelming." That has been me to a T over the past two years. And I'm a CPA. :mellow:

If anything major were to happen to me (severe injury or death of child or wife, loss of job again) I'm pretty sure I'd go off of the deep end.

I need to be on medication. I started some a year ago, then lost my job and lost my insurance and had to ween off of them after only 2 months. I still haven't been able to get myself on health insurance again, even though we have the money now that my wife is working full time. I've been working on it, but every hurdle takes me days to deal with.

This crap sucks. And it isn't who I am. For the first 32 years of my life I was responsible and fun loving. Now I just want to sit on the couch and sleep and and have thoughts of how I can either run away or die. We have no savings or retirement left and my wife is incredibly stressed out at her new job and completely overwhelmed herself. We fight constantly because we both are on edge. I feel like it is all my fault but can't get out of it. Pretty much the only thing keeping me together is my 2 wonderful kids. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I'd have the will to push through this and would probably do something extremely destructive.

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Soupy- I am eerily similar to everything youve just described. When I get hit with this, innertia sets in and forward motion becomes reaaly hard, ruining too many positive things in my life. I've always found it takes baby steps- almost embarrassingly tiny- to shake my action debilitating depression... even as small as making a phone call about insurance (let alone getting insurance). It sucks and is next to impossible for non-depressives to understand or empathize.

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I'm not really dealing with any major issues outside of what problems are caused by my depression. But I read this article on 12 signs of depression in men and I have 10 of the 12. If my wife wasn't such a beer nazi, I'd probably have 11 of the 12. Other one I don't have is back/stomach pain, but I'm in fairly decent shape and eat healthy (again, thanks to the wife). The one that hit home the hardest was "Indecision". The description had a quote from a shrink who said, "I can't count he number of people who have said, 'I had money in the bank but the phone got shut off because I couldn't bring myself to pay the bill or decide what to do and when.' It gets overwhelming." That has been me to a T over the past two years. And I'm a CPA. :mellow:

If anything major were to happen to me (severe injury or death of child or wife, loss of job again) I'm pretty sure I'd go off of the deep end.

I need to be on medication. I started some a year ago, then lost my job and lost my insurance and had to ween off of them after only 2 months. I still haven't been able to get myself on health insurance again, even though we have the money now that my wife is working full time. I've been working on it, but every hurdle takes me days to deal with.

This crap sucks. And it isn't who I am. For the first 32 years of my life I was responsible and fun loving. Now I just want to sit on the couch and sleep and and have thoughts of how I can either run away or die. We have no savings or retirement left and my wife is incredibly stressed out at her new job and completely overwhelmed herself. We fight constantly because we both are on edge. I feel like it is all my fault but can't get out of it. Pretty much the only thing keeping me together is my 2 wonderful kids. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I'd have the will to push through this and would probably do something extremely destructive.

Soupy- I am eerily similar to everything youve just described. When I get hit with this, innertia sets in and forward motion becomes reaaly hard, ruining too many positive things in my life. I've always found it takes baby steps- almost embarrassingly tiny- to shake my action debilitating depression... even as small as making a phone call about insurance (let alone getting insurance). It sucks and is next to impossible for non-depressives to understand or empathize.

:(

Exercise helps me a lot. I have yet more stuff going on in my life and have been up since 1:30am today. Despite being exhausted I just could sleep. I still went on a quick 4 mile walk before heading into the office though and feel remarkably well all things considered.

Hang in there guys. :(

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I'm not really dealing with any major issues outside of what problems are caused by my depression. But I read this article on 12 signs of depression in men and I have 10 of the 12. If my wife wasn't such a beer nazi, I'd probably have 11 of the 12. Other one I don't have is back/stomach pain, but I'm in fairly decent shape and eat healthy (again, thanks to the wife). The one that hit home the hardest was "Indecision". The description had a quote from a shrink who said, "I can't count he number of people who have said, 'I had money in the bank but the phone got shut off because I couldn't bring myself to pay the bill or decide what to do and when.' It gets overwhelming." That has been me to a T over the past two years. And I'm a CPA. :mellow:

If anything major were to happen to me (severe injury or death of child or wife, loss of job again) I'm pretty sure I'd go off of the deep end.

I need to be on medication. I started some a year ago, then lost my job and lost my insurance and had to ween off of them after only 2 months. I still haven't been able to get myself on health insurance again, even though we have the money now that my wife is working full time. I've been working on it, but every hurdle takes me days to deal with.

This crap sucks. And it isn't who I am. For the first 32 years of my life I was responsible and fun loving. Now I just want to sit on the couch and sleep and and have thoughts of how I can either run away or die. We have no savings or retirement left and my wife is incredibly stressed out at her new job and completely overwhelmed herself. We fight constantly because we both are on edge. I feel like it is all my fault but can't get out of it. Pretty much the only thing keeping me together is my 2 wonderful kids. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I'd have the will to push through this and would probably do something extremely destructive.

Soupy- I am eerily similar to everything youve just described. When I get hit with this, innertia sets in and forward motion becomes reaaly hard, ruining too many positive things in my life. I've always found it takes baby steps- almost embarrassingly tiny- to shake my action debilitating depression... even as small as making a phone call about insurance (let alone getting insurance). It sucks and is next to impossible for non-depressives to understand or empathize.

:(

Exercise helps me a lot. I have yet more stuff going on in my life and have been up since 1:30am today. Despite being exhausted I just could sleep. I still went on a quick 4 mile walk before heading into the office though and feel remarkably well all things considered.

Hang in there guys. :(

About the only time I feel above board is when I ref a football or basketball game. I don't care how many people yell at me and tell me I suck. Just being out there, physically active and doing a job well gives me a high.
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I'm not really dealing with any major issues outside of what problems are caused by my depression. But I read this article on 12 signs of depression in men and I have 10 of the 12. If my wife wasn't such a beer nazi, I'd probably have 11 of the 12. Other one I don't have is back/stomach pain, but I'm in fairly decent shape and eat healthy (again, thanks to the wife). The one that hit home the hardest was "Indecision". The description had a quote from a shrink who said, "I can't count he number of people who have said, 'I had money in the bank but the phone got shut off because I couldn't bring myself to pay the bill or decide what to do and when.' It gets overwhelming." That has been me to a T over the past two years. And I'm a CPA. :mellow:

If anything major were to happen to me (severe injury or death of child or wife, loss of job again) I'm pretty sure I'd go off of the deep end.

I need to be on medication. I started some a year ago, then lost my job and lost my insurance and had to ween off of them after only 2 months. I still haven't been able to get myself on health insurance again, even though we have the money now that my wife is working full time. I've been working on it, but every hurdle takes me days to deal with.

This crap sucks. And it isn't who I am. For the first 32 years of my life I was responsible and fun loving. Now I just want to sit on the couch and sleep and and have thoughts of how I can either run away or die. We have no savings or retirement left and my wife is incredibly stressed out at her new job and completely overwhelmed herself. We fight constantly because we both are on edge. I feel like it is all my fault but can't get out of it. Pretty much the only thing keeping me together is my 2 wonderful kids. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I'd have the will to push through this and would probably do something extremely destructive.

I have dealt with depression for most of my life. I CANNOT tell you how much better things are since I found a psychiatrist who prescribed me a combination of anti-depressants. Since I got on a combination of Effexor and Abilify, my depression has - seriously - virtually disappeared. It's amazing. Something I dealt with since my teen years has largely gone away.

I also saw a psychologist for about 3 years, off and on. I dont think I'll go back, as we spent so much time looking at the dark sides of my life, I lost myself. I can't say I recommend it, based on my experiences.

I can't encourage you more to get in touch with a psychiatrist who can work with you to find the right combination of medications.

Depression is often a chemical imbalance that affects everything you do. Don't be ashamed to reach out for help, it's not your fault. You will wonder why you didnt do it sooner.

ETA: Feel free to PM me, I can share my experiences (very similar background) and give you some thoughts.

Edited by ChopMeat
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  • 3 months later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Yeah probably no idea. I'm a ####### good poker player.

ETA

You know what the hardest part is? Mrs. SLB, my best friend, doesn't get it. She thinks "you're Bob you always figure it out". ####, I guess I will. I'm getting too old for this. cue an explosion

Edited by St. Louis Bob
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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't follow this thread, but I really need a place to vent.

I'm struggling with depression, real soul-wrenching stuff that wakes me up in the middle of the night questioning my entire life. I've had employment difficulties for years now. I mostly work as an adjunct instructor at a small college. While I was a top three finalist for a tenure-track position a couple times, I failed to land the job each time, mostly because I'm a terrible interviewee. I've been trying to get out of teaching for the past 8 months (discussed elsewhere under my main account), and it isn't going so well. Part of the problem is my family loves our town. It's a fantastic place to both live and raise children and my wife just received a tenured teaching position at a school she really likes; she's quite happy with her career direction. So I'm stuck looking for employment in a very small area as I continue adjuncting for small change and we tread water financially.

It's been hard on me. Very hard. Much harder than I've ever let on around here. I try not to talk about it, but it's really beaten me down emotionally. I'm forty years old and I've never had a "real" full-time professional position, mostly because despite possessing two graduate degrees and being a somewhat intelligent guy, I'm not qualified for much. I only have myself to blame for this. But understand that at a certain point in my life the sky was the limit. I had an MA in English, had two-thirds of my MA thesis published in literary journals, and had just received a well-funded early acceptance to a good MFA program in a major city. The faculty called me from a continent away practically begging me to attend. So I went...and nothing has gone right since. My MFA thesis was the opening of a passionate novel of ideas that, once finished a few years later, attracted attention from small, literary presses, including a three month correspondence with a NYC editor that eventually amounted to nothing. They passed on the book. I made changes, good ones IMO, but eventually drove myself to the brink of sanity and had to walk away before I killed myself.

So I essentially gambled on myself and lost. I followed my dreams like tell us as kids, with loads of real encouragement from professors and writers and artists and family and friends along the way, and it ended in the worst way possible. Dealing with this has been the hardest thing in my life. The depression has been near suicidal at times, but I'm fortunate to have a strong support network and have managed to work through it over the past few years.

Then a couple months ago I saw what I thought was the rare job I was actually qualified for -- right here in my town. It was an academic adviser position that called only for a BA and academic (preferably teaching) experience. Right in my wheelhouse, right? I enthusiastically applied, feeling hopeful again. Today I found out that I wasn't even offered a phone interview. I didn't even make the first cut. I was both shocked and let down and after going to bed early tonight, I suddenly woke up a couple hours later questioning my whole life again. So here I am.

What is there to say? Nothing. I just have to suck it up again and keep getting out of bed each morning. Sometimes I try to return to fiction writing again. I open old work and see what all those people who encouraged me saw - that talent and passion. I even get to working on a new project now and then, a short story, a novel. But I either get caught up in life stuff (family, etc.) or, perhaps, lose inspiration because deep down I'm absolutely terrified that if I give my entire body and soul over to a real effort again it'll fail and this time I won't survive.

I don't really know how to end this, so I guess thanks for the place to vent.

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I don't follow this thread, but I really need a place to vent.

I'm struggling with depression, real soul-wrenching stuff that wakes me up in the middle of the night questioning my entire life. I've had employment difficulties for years now. I mostly work as an adjunct instructor at a small college. While I was a top three finalist for a tenure-track position a couple times, I failed to land the job each time, mostly because I'm a terrible interviewee. I've been trying to get out of teaching for the past 8 months (discussed elsewhere under my main account), and it isn't going so well. Part of the problem is my family loves our town. It's a fantastic place to both live and raise children and my wife just received a tenured teaching position at a school she really likes; she's quite happy with her career direction. So I'm stuck looking for employment in a very small area as I continue adjuncting for small change and we tread water financially.

It's been hard on me. Very hard. Much harder than I've ever let on around here. I try not to talk about it, but it's really beaten me down emotionally. I'm forty years old and I've never had a "real" full-time professional position, mostly because despite possessing two graduate degrees and being a somewhat intelligent guy, I'm not qualified for much. I only have myself to blame for this. But understand that at a certain point in my life the sky was the limit. I had an MA in English, had two-thirds of my MA thesis published in literary journals, and had just received a well-funded early acceptance to a good MFA program in a major city. The faculty called me from a continent away practically begging me to attend. So I went...and nothing has gone right since. My MFA thesis was the opening of a passionate novel of ideas that, once finished a few years later, attracted attention from small, literary presses, including a three month correspondence with a NYC editor that eventually amounted to nothing. They passed on the book. I made changes, good ones IMO, but eventually drove myself to the brink of sanity and had to walk away before I killed myself.

So I essentially gambled on myself and lost. I followed my dreams like tell us as kids, with loads of real encouragement from professors and writers and artists and family and friends along the way, and it ended in the worst way possible. Dealing with this has been the hardest thing in my life. The depression has been near suicidal at times, but I'm fortunate to have a strong support network and have managed to work through it over the past few years.

Then a couple months ago I saw what I thought was the rare job I was actually qualified for -- right here in my town. It was an academic adviser position that called only for a BA and academic (preferably teaching) experience. Right in my wheelhouse, right? I enthusiastically applied, feeling hopeful again. Today I found out that I wasn't even offered a phone interview. I didn't even make the first cut. I was both shocked and let down and after going to bed early tonight, I suddenly woke up a couple hours later questioning my whole life again. So here I am.

What is there to say? Nothing. I just have to suck it up again and keep getting out of bed each morning. Sometimes I try to return to fiction writing again. I open old work and see what all those people who encouraged me saw - that talent and passion. I even get to working on a new project now and then, a short story, a novel. But I either get caught up in life stuff (family, etc.) or, perhaps, lose inspiration because deep down I'm absolutely terrified that if I give my entire body and soul over to a real effort again it'll fail and this time I won't survive.

I don't really know how to end this, so I guess thanks for the place to vent.

If I'm right, you have a son with a funny name, correct? If I'm right I have more to say, if not I have less specific advice.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Life can really suck. I'll take a hug......

What's the haps, GB? a>

Combination of a lot of things. Dealing with a ridiculous amount of stress at work, really stressing about the fact that in September Little 'Zooks will be going to school all day in another town which means the time I spend with him is going to decrease a lot, also have some financial issues (who doesn't) and all I'm also realizing that I'm not dealing well with the weird "friends with benefits" relationship I had with the 22 YO. Everything with her fizzled out over a month ago but we managed to maintain our friendship, to the point of really being each other's best friend and talking about everything little that was happening in our lives. Now that friendship is starting fade. I haven't slept in a few days and it's making me evaluate everything in my life and it makes me realize I have a very "unaccomplished" life. It's weird, I keep getting this weird feeling of emptiness.

I think my general happy-go-lucky attitude fools people into thinking that everything is great with me, and I think I realize that I've been fooling myself this whole time too. A lot of people have always told me that they've never met anyone who smiles and laughs as much as I do and how I always have a funny joke or remark for any situation. But looking back, I don't really see anything that I was successful at or reasons to be happy about. I did lousy in College and after being on academic probabtion my first 2 years, I didn't go back and then always figured I would finish and get my degree "later" but that has never happened (luckily, I fell into a good job and moved my way up through hard work and have a job that would usually require a Degree). All growing up I always wanted to be married and have a somewhat big family (3 kids, the dog, typical American Dream) but after getting married we went through 3 miscarriages before having our son and then another miscarriage after him which left my ex-wife unable to have anymore children. Then one day I woke up to find out she was having an affair and SHE wanted a divorce. Despite her having the affair, I still tried to make it work, but she didn't want to. That was a dark time that took a while to get out of. My only focus during that time was my son and that probably helped me not focus on what my ex wife did. The divorce also caused some financial issues, but overall I made out ok with everything (I kept the house and all of my retirement, no alimony and I just pay a minor amount of child support since we split custody) the problem is going from a 2 person income to a 1 person income and keeping the house and I took all of our debt. Once I got out of the divorce cloud, things got a little better (thank you alcohol) I figured out how to balance my time as a Dad and single guy who had every other weekend to go out and have fun. But something still felt like it was missing, I'm guessing it was not being in a relationship. Random hook ups are great and everything, but whenever something "good" would happen in life I would catch myself wanting to share it with someone like I used to with my ex. And also realizing that I was getting any younger, so any chance of meeting someone and having more kids was becoming less likely.

Finally last Fall, I came to grips that this would be my life. The single Dad that Little Zooks would come visit with his family at the holidays for a few hours and not the big family lifestyle I had imagined or hoped for. I figured I would just spend my time being a Dad and when I didn't have him, I'd go out and party and satisfy any physical need I had with a one-stand when needed. It was a sucky outlook but it was what it was and I accepted it. Then at Thanksgiving I met the 22 YO and we started a "relationship" that required complete secrecy for many reasons I won't get into (one big one was her out of state boyfriend) I though it wouldn't last long because she could have whoever she wanted and one day she'd wake up and wonder what she was doing with this 36 YO guy with little to offer. It was great, and as long as I didn't fall for her and realized this was just short term it would be fine. The reason I wouldn't fall for her was because I never thought she would fully fall for me. But then she started to fall and talked about how strongly she felt about me even though she knew we couldn't never be more than what we were. The fact that she started falling for me made me fall for her. I honestly think that if she didn't get stronger feelings for me I would've been fine with our "friends with benefits" type relationship. For about 5 months or so, I had never been happier. It was perfect. But then I think I started wanting more and trying to see if there was any chance that there could be more in the future and that pushed her away. She became distant and finally told me that she felt bad that I wanted more and she knew that couldn't happen and she didn't want me to get hurt, so she was backing off. Once we got thru that, we really had a great friendship for a few weeks, we hardly ever actually saw each other, but talked and texted every day openly discussing possible girls that I could go out and the pros and cons of each ones. She and her boyfriend were on the verge of breaking up and out of blue an old boyfriend starting reach out to her and she wasn't sure what she should do and I talked with her for hours about both situations.

In the last week or so, she was getting very distant. We got in a couple arguements and it really seems like our great friendship is ending now as well. I can't stop thinking about her and I feel like a jackass for staring at my phone all day waiting for her to text me.

I guess ultimately, everything with her is like the icing on the cake. It makes me look back at everything else and seems like everything has been one failure after another. College = fail. Marriage = fail. Having to go to my parents for financial help = fail. Work has been ok I guess, but I know I could've done better and had a better job if I finished school. Relationship with 22 YO = fail. I like to think I do a good job as a Dad, but who knows, maybe I'm just fooling myself into believing that too.

I dont' know why I typed all of that. I guess I usually deal with crap by making fun of it or laughing at it, I've never taken a serious approach to it (or anything else for that matter) I guess it feels good to get that all out though. Blah blah blah blah

Life is good. This thread is good and therapeutic (sp?) Since I posted the above, things have gotten much better in life.

My job is extremely busy and sometimes stressful, but it's "good" busy and stressful. I got a new boss a couple months and he is the absolute perfect guy for me to work for. He's demanding and holds you accountable for everything, but he is also very fair and open minded. A few co-workers don't like him because they feel he is too demanding, but I am really enjoying going to work more now because of him.

It took longer than it should have, but officially over the 22 YO. From September to March, I went on a lot of dates and had fun times, but I always compared every girl to the 22 YO and couldn't get passed her. We've maintained our friendship and I spent most of January thru March helping her find a job. She finally got what she was looking for and a took a job that is now an hour away from me AND she will be moving an hour away from me this weekend. I figured I needed her to move away to help me move on. That is probably true, but the bigger thing is that I met someone else. Friends had a ST. Patrick's Day party (which they do every year) and I almost wasn't going to go because it's mostly families that go and there are a ton of kids there (and it wasn't my weekend with Little Zooks) But I really didn't have anything else to do and I thought, hey, maybe I'll meet someone new there. But then I quickly disregarded that because I knew it would be mostly families there and I pretty much knew everyone that would be there. BUT..... I got and saw this really cute girl walk by me and smile, and I thought who the hell is that? Then I figured it was probably someone's girlfriend so I shouldn't pursue. Then I notice she leaves a couple minutes later with a few other people. Oh well. But then a couple female friends come up to me and ask if I'm seeing anyone because they have a girl for me. The girl that left was my friend's sister in law and apparently they've been talking about setting me up with the sister for a long time now. She's an hour away but comes to town a lot to visit her brother and his family. Started talking to her via FaceBook and texting and we finally went out a couple weeks ago and had a great time. Couldn't go out last weekend because it was a Little Zooks weekend for me, but we've stayed in contact talking daily. And this weekend she's coming back to hangout with me and she's gonna play in a charity pub trivia night thingy with me and her bro and sister in law. I can't friggin wait for this weekend!

Here's the biggest thing that i realized today that really has me happy: I really realized that I'm over the 22 YO. Earlier, the 22 YO called me to say how overwhelmed she was with the new job and getting ready to move this weekend and she asked if I would be home soon so she could come over. Now, in the past whenever she would call like that and ask about coming over I would stop what I was doing and race home to get ready for her. But without even really thinking about it I told her I was gonna stay at work for awhile to catch up on stuff. She seemed shocked. Then while talking to her the new girl texted me and her and I started texting back and forth while 22 was still on the line complaining about her life. I kept saying "hhmmm" and "yeah" alot and finally she asked if I was paying attention to her. I said yeah and that things would get better for her. She said thanks and then said "well, I'll let you go, have a good night" and I just said yeah you too and she said "fine" and hung up. This probably sounds very stupid but it actually felt liberating to know that I'm not wrapped around her finger anymore. I'm excited about work and this girl I'm sorta seeing and Little Zooks is still the best thing in my life. I feel ......happy.

I know this is the depression thread, but I just thought I'd write this to show that things do get better. My problems weren't anywhere near as bad as some of the stuff the rest of you have had or are going through. But I did want to thank this thread because just writing everything down last summer and the responses I got really helped. So.......thanks for that. Awkward hugs for everyone!!!!!

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