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This is funny.


Nigel Tufnel

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On ‎8‎/‎11‎/‎2016 at 4:24 AM, jdoggydogg said:

If y'all liked that you should check out Eric Andre on FX's Man Seeking Woman. He's great and so is the show.

That's a good show. We just caught up with Season 2 on our dvr and it's consistently funny and unpredictable.

I've been watching some episodes of The Eric Andre Show. That guy is freakin' out of his mind. :lmao:

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3 hours ago, jamny said:

That's a good show. We just caught up with Season 2 on our dvr and it's consistently funny and unpredictable.

I've been watching some episodes of The Eric Andre Show. That guy is freakin' out of his mind. :lmao:

Andre is hilarious. I totally need to check out his show.

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  • 1 month later...

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called MacTavish's where the landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She moves over to him and says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

He's stunned. His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. The guy says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

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A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

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Yo mamma is so fat when she steps on a scale it says TO BE CONTINUED...
Yo mamma is so fat when she fell, no one laughed, but the ground started cracking up.
Yo mamma is so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mamma is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Yo mamma is so fat when she stepped on the scale her phone number came up.
Yo mamma is so fat she got a parking ticket for standing at a crosswalk.
Yo mamma is so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
Yo mamma is so fat that she could sell shade.
Yo mamma is so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.
Yo mamma is so fat, local night clubs put up signs that read, "Maximum Occupancy: Yo mamma."
Yo mamma is so fat when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water.
Yo mamma is so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck.
Yo mamma is so fat that she fell over and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.
Yo mamma is so fat she don't take pictures, she takes posters.
Yo mamma is so fat, instead lint in her belly button, she's gathered full sweaters.
Yo mamma is so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ###.
Yo mamma is so fat that when she goes walking outside in heels she strikes oil.
Yo mamma is so fat, she doesn't fit in this joke.

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On ‎10‎/‎4‎/‎2016 at 6:09 PM, GregR said:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She moves over to him and says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

He's stunned. His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. The guy says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

LOL

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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

 

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny.

 

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

 

Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."

 

A male friend, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often showed up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib."

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On 10/13/2017 at 11:52 AM, GregR said:

Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."

 

A male friend, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often showed up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib."

You should feel very very bad about yourself for posting these.

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The other day I gave a homeless dude some cash (look at me!), and as I handed it to him I said,

"Here you go, broseph."

Yes, I called a homeless stranger broseph :bag:

 

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I didn't think this was funny at all, but my friends and family all did...

The other morning I was on the can reading Facebook on my phone. I laid the phone on my lap and bent over to take care of business. When I sat back up and looked at my phone, I see that I had inadvertently posted the big smiley face with 2 giant heart eyes on some guy's Facebook feed that I barely know. His post something related to professional wrasslin and Im pretty sure no one else commented on it. I was mortified, but there was no way to remove it. :wall: :bag:

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Heard this joke on the Harmontown podcast and liked it:

Q: What's the difference between a guy that jumps off a 30 story building and a guy that jumps off a two story building?
A: The guy that jumps off the 30 story building says, "Ahhhhhhh! SPLAT!" 
     The guy that jumps off the two story building says, "SPLAT! Ahhhhhhh!" 

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