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Literal Joke Thread (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Thorn
- Start date
Idiot Boxer
Footballguy
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Tiger Woods is a great golfer, Santa is a jolly fat man who delivers presents on Christmas.
Tiger Woods is a great golfer, Santa is a jolly fat man who delivers presents on Christmas.
Idiot Boxer
Footballguy
A priest, a rabbi and a shaman walk into a bar.
They take a quiet table in the corner and have a deep theological discussion over a couple of Shiner Bocks.
They take a quiet table in the corner and have a deep theological discussion over a couple of Shiner Bocks.
Idiot Boxer
Footballguy
I just flew in from Albuquerque and boy are my arms tired. I really need to get luggage with wheels.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
"Knock, knock!"
"Who’s there?"
"John."
"John who?"
"John Wilson, your old friend from college."
"What a pleasant surprise. Please, come in."
"Who’s there?"
"John."
"John who?"
"John Wilson, your old friend from college."
"What a pleasant surprise. Please, come in."
bostonfred
Footballguy
Two muffins are in the oven. Neither says a word, because they are inanimate objects.
YSR
Footballguy
How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. One to hold the ladder, and the other to turn the light bulb in a clockwise fashion until it is secured in the socket.
Parrothead
Footballguy
These jokes suck 
koby925
Footballguy
Fixed to be more literal
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
How do you get a one-armed Polish man out of a tree?
A ladder.
A ladder.
koby925
Footballguy
FixedThese jokes suck are literal
Godsbrother
Footballguy
Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.
"Terrible, a car hit my dog in the ###," he said.
"You mean Rectum" corrected the teacher
"Yes rectum" Johnnie said.
"Terrible, a car hit my dog in the ###," he said.
"You mean Rectum" corrected the teacher
"Yes rectum" Johnnie said.
Godsbrother
Footballguy
What's better than two roses on your piano?
Lots of stuff...
Lots of stuff...
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TobiasFunke
Footballguy
A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender is amazed that the duck can talk, and tells everyone to come listen to the talking duck.
The bartender is amazed that the duck can talk, and tells everyone to come listen to the talking duck.
Phil Elliott
Footballguy
The early bird gets the worm. The second mouse gets the cheese. (Steve Wright)
Godsbrother
Footballguy
Why do farts stink?
Because they consist of methane, hydrogen, butyric acid and hydrogen sulphide.
Because they consist of methane, hydrogen, butyric acid and hydrogen sulphide.
Idiot Boxer
Footballguy
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
You might try telling him a joke, and then suggest that you'll tell him the punchline at a much later time.
You might try telling him a joke, and then suggest that you'll tell him the punchline at a much later time.
Arizona Ron
Footballguy
Can I tell the reverse tan joke? 
Michael Brown
Footballguy
These are awesome
ThaPenguin
Footballguy
So these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks around and says, “What’ll you two fine gentlemen have?”
And they paid their tab and couldn’t have been more courteous.
And they paid their tab and couldn’t have been more courteous.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
I am so horrible at remembering jokes.
Ignoratio Elenchi
Footballguy
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Wow, that's an amazing creature! Where did you get it?"
The black man responds, "Thank you! I got him at Broverman's Pet Shop, down the street." The bartender then replies, "Well, that is a beautiful bird, but unfortunately you can't keep it in here."
The black man responds, "Thank you! I got him at Broverman's Pet Shop, down the street." The bartender then replies, "Well, that is a beautiful bird, but unfortunately you can't keep it in here."
Oh Yes!
Footballguy
Idiot Boxer
Footballguy
A skeleton walks into a bar and nearly freaks the bartender out until he remembers that it is Halloween.
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Gee Spot
Footballguy
A man walks into a bar with a dog. He orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Hey, we don't let dogs in here!"
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog. According to the Americans With Disabilities Act, you have to allow him into your establishment."
The bartender gives him his drink, which he consumes
The bartender says, "Hey, we don't let dogs in here!"
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog. According to the Americans With Disabilities Act, you have to allow him into your establishment."
The bartender gives him his drink, which he consumes
Worm
slimy ninja
An Irishman, a Frenchman, and an American are walking down an alley when they come upon a genie!
The genie tells them that he will grant them each one wish, but first they must close their eyes and visualize their hearts desire.
As the three men close their eyes and begin thinking of their wish, the crazy bum stabs them, takes their wallets, and leaves them for dead.
The genie tells them that he will grant them each one wish, but first they must close their eyes and visualize their hearts desire.
As the three men close their eyes and begin thinking of their wish, the crazy bum stabs them, takes their wallets, and leaves them for dead.
Professor S
Footballguy
What do you call the person who graduated last in their medical school class?
Doctor.
Doctor.
Ignoratio Elenchi
Footballguy
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
You should advise her to apply ice packs intermittently to the bruised area to reduce swelling, and vitamin K cream may help accelerate the healing process. Also, if she is in pain make sure she doesn't take aspirin, as its anticoagulant properties could make the bruise larger and result in a longer healing process.
You should advise her to apply ice packs intermittently to the bruised area to reduce swelling, and vitamin K cream may help accelerate the healing process. Also, if she is in pain make sure she doesn't take aspirin, as its anticoagulant properties could make the bruise larger and result in a longer healing process.
Or, if the rest of her face is also black, you just call her ma'am.
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
I notice you never mentioned them leaving a tip.
Godsbrother
Footballguy
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working.
Call a repairman and if he can't fix it you'll need to buy a new one.
Call a repairman and if he can't fix it you'll need to buy a new one.
rolliehouliranson
Footballguy
How do you make Lady Gaga mad?
I don't know, maybe kick her in the shin.
I don't know, maybe kick her in the shin.
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