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Literal Joke Thread (1 Viewer)

Is your refrigerator running?

I certainly hope so, because keeping food at the appropriate temperature is necessary to prevent food borne illnesses such as salmonella enteritis, botulism, and enterohemorrhagic E. coli infections.

 
Do you have Sir Walter Raleigh in a can?

Excellent because I am running low on pipe tobacco and I dislike the pouches.

 
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." The first guy says, "I don't need to outrun the bear, I just need to..." The bear mauls them both.

 
Yo mama's so fat that she developed adult-onset type II Diabetes and had to have her left leg amputated.

 
Q: How do you make a lemon drop?

A:

Ingredients for a Lemon Drop Martini

* 3 oz. vodka

* 2 oz. freshly squeezed lemon juice. If fresh lemon juice is not available, substitute sweet and sour mix. However, if you go this route, leave out the sugar except for the rim of the glass.

* 1-2 teaspoons of sugar (depending on how sweet you like your drinks!)

* 1 tablespoon of sugar and 1 tablespoon of water (for garnishing glass)

* Lemon slices for garnish

Equipment

* Old-fashioned glass

* Cocktail shaker

* 2 small plates

* Old-fashioned glass, or a cocktail glass

Prepare the Glass

1. Fill one small plate with a tablespoon of water.

2. Fill another small plate with a tablespoon of sugar.

* You can add some finely chopped lemon zest to the sugar plate for extra zing.

3. Dip the rim of the glass in the water, then in the sugar.

* TIP: Alternatively, you can just run a lemon wedge around the rim of the glass and then dip into the sugar.

Prepare the Lemon Drop

1. Rim the old-fashioned glass with sugar.

2. Spoon the sugar into the cocktail shaker.

3. Add ice to the shaker and pour vodka and lemon juice over the ice.

4. Shake until completely cold, at least ten seconds.

5. Pour into the prepped old-fashioned glass.

6. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

7. Serve immediately.

* If you don't have a cocktail shaker, add the lemon juice, sugar, and vodka to a glass, and stir until mixed, then add ice.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Why is Aspirin white?

Because the salicylic acid lends a white coloration, and the Bayer corporation did not include any additional coloring agents to change that*.

*if there are any chemists in the house I'm probably incorrect with my answer since I came up with it after about 5 minutes of looking at wikipedia. So don't jump over me too badly.

 
A chinese guy,a white guy, and a black guy all get a job at the same place. The boss comes out and says,"I'm leaving for awhile,and when i get back I want to see this place swept and that pile of dirt out front shoveled and in five diffrent piles." So he tells the white guy,"You are in charge of sweeping." He tells the black guy,"You're in charge of shoveling." And finally he tells the chinese guy,"you're in charge of the supplies." He leaves and comes back in about three hours and sees nothing done.

So he asked the white guy,"why didn`t you do anything?" He replies,"I would have but the chinese guy didn`t give me a broom." So he askes the black guy,"Why haven`t you done anything?" he also replies,"The chinese guy didn`t give me a shovel." so he goes to look for the chinese guy, but he couldn`t find him. finally he walks over to the pile of dirt and the chinese guy hopped out and said "Boss I'm so sorry about the delay in the supply acquisition. Apparently there was a delay in shipping. I was finally able to procure the broom and the shovel the other gentlemen need for their tasks. I'll assist them to get the job done as quickly as possible."

 
A man walks into a bar.

He got a severe bruise and had to see a doctor about lingering headaches.

 
How many asians can you fit in a car?

Well it really depends on the size of the car, how many seats, and how big the particular asians are.

 
A rich man in a limo pulls up next to a Las Vegas hotel and sees a moderately dressed man sitting on the curb that looks really depressed. "What is the problem with you?" the rich man asks. The depressed fellow replies "my wife is very sick and if I can't get a thousand dollars by tonight to the hospital she will die." The rich thinks to himself that a thousand dollars means nothing to him and hands the depressed man ten one hundred dollar bills. The depressed man is overwhelmed with joy and thanks the rich man for his generousity. As the man beings to walk away with the thousand dollars, the rich man calls out "hey, how do I know you aren't just going to gamble that money in the casino?" The other man replies "what the hell is wrong with you?! I just told you my wife is going to die if I don't get this money to the hospital."

 
What's the difference between your momma and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball is an inamiate object.

 
Q: What has three horns, but only one wheel?

A: A Triceratops riding a unicycle. However, the plausibility of the aforementioned scenario is highly unlikely due to a number of factors. First, being a quadrapedal, it is doubtful the Triceratops would have possessed the necessary dexterity to operate a unicycle. Second, the Triceratops species became extinct during the late Cretaceous Period (~ 65 million years ago), whereas the unicycle was not invented until the end of the 19th century.

 
A snail walked into a car dealership and told a sales person that he wanted a car with a giant "S" painted on top. The car salesperson replied "shut up you stupid snail" and smashed it with his foot.

 
Why do Italian men have mustaches?

Because they are post adolescent males able to grow facial hair and they like how they make them look.

 
How can you tell if Orientals have moved into the neighborhood?

They introduce themselves to you as new in the neighborhood, and from the way they look you can clearly tell that they have oriental ancestry.

 
Did you hear the one about the blond who worked in the m&m factory?

She used to get paid bi-weekly but they recently changed their payroll to twice a month.

 
How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed?

Explain to them how expensive mattresses are and how them jumping will greatly diminish the life expectancy of the one you've purchased.

 
One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realizing his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and masturbates and then goes to sleep.

 
A priest, rabbi, and an Irish man walk into a bar. They all have a wonderful time telling stories and jokes.

 
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, but Chuck Norris never cr... No, no that's a lie. I just made that up to make Chuck Norris sound "cooler" than he actualy is. His tears obviously do not cure cancer, and he has cried several times in his life.

 
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