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My wife, she's... overweight.


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A word to the younger FBGs: Our fearless leader, Joe Bryant himself, has previously advised carefully checking out your beloved's mother before tying the knot because there's a good chance that 20-30 years later, that's what she's going to look like. So if you really don't want a fatty for a wife in middle age, make sure her mother isn't a fatty in middle age.

SO True.

I love my brother dearly but jesus he got roped into this one.

He fell for this girl who was pursuing him heavily in college. He dated a lot of her friends (who were skinnier and more attractive). She kept pursuing and finally lost a ton of weight and her persistence paid off. They started dating... he fell for her. The only problem was... her mother is a gelatinous blob not unlike jabba the hut. He failed to take notice of the rule. The result?

Mother:

The daughter:

Apple...tree....and all that business....

Another mother-daughter set... local girl, very cute, but dumb as rocks... a natural blonde.

Mother-daughter set 1

Mother-daugher set 2

Mother-daughter set 3.

I do not remember why I was looking at these pics but that chick is hot. Love the dress photo. Wish tubby was not in the photos. It sucks when my eyes wander off the hot chick.
Here's some just of her and some friends...

1

2

3

4

And just so you don't forget whose daughter she is... 5

Edited by johnnycakes
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So, yeah, tonight was rough.We've had a lot going on the past couple weeks so we haven't really had time to talk. I hadn't planned to tonight, but it sort of just happened on it's own.I don't really want to get into too many details, but she basically admitted tonight that she's disgusted with herself and doesn't like to put herself in positions where I can look at her. Like, in bed. Oof. She pretty much confirmed all the thoughts that I had with respect to her own self image and how it's affecting her. Emotionally, sexually, etc.I really tried to be supportive, and we talked briefly about a bunch of the ideas for how I could specifically help her. We're going to sit down tomorrow night after the kids go to bed and talk further.I wish the issue really was as easy as "just suck it up and do it!", like some people here think it is. Having someone you love cry in your arms might change your perspective.I need a :banned:.

sitting down and putting together a plan sounds like. an awesome idea. i think you handled this perfectly.
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Best of luck with everything. I'm really rooting for you guys. Please keep us posted.

It's great that you're trying to fix this now. I think a few years ago I would have posted something similar to you - "I really really love my wife. She's great in almost every way, except she's overweight … " Now our marriage has a lot more problems. Maybe if we had found a way to fix this a few years ago we'd be in a better place today, I don't know.

Edited by Wrighteous Ray
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A word to the younger FBGs: Our fearless leader, Joe Bryant himself, has previously advised carefully checking out your beloved's mother before tying the knot because there's a good chance that 20-30 years later, that's what she's going to look like. So if you really don't want a fatty for a wife in middle age, make sure her mother isn't a fatty in middle age.

SO True.

I love my brother dearly but jesus he got roped into this one.

He fell for this girl who was pursuing him heavily in college. He dated a lot of her friends (who were skinnier and more attractive). She kept pursuing and finally lost a ton of weight and her persistence paid off. They started dating... he fell for her. The only problem was... her mother is a gelatinous blob not unlike jabba the hut. He failed to take notice of the rule. The result?

Mother:

The daughter:

Apple...tree....and all that business....

Another mother-daughter set... local girl, very cute, but dumb as rocks... a natural blonde.

Mother-daughter set 1

Mother-daugher set 2

Mother-daughter set 3.

I do not remember why I was looking at these pics but that chick is hot. Love the dress photo. Wish tubby was not in the photos. It sucks when my eyes wander off the hot chick.
Here's some just of her and some friends...

1

2

3

4

And just so you don't forget whose daughter she is... 5

Maybe it's the lighting but I'm sure in pic 4 I see her "toe".
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I really tried to be supportive, and we talked briefly about a bunch of the ideas for how I could specifically help her. We're going to sit down tomorrow night after the kids go to bed and talk further.

Been a week since the conversation. I assume you were just saving the update for Friday. Well, it's Friday.
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A word to the younger FBGs: Our fearless leader, Joe Bryant himself, has previously advised carefully checking out your beloved's mother before tying the knot because there's a good chance that 20-30 years later, that's what she's going to look like. So if you really don't want a fatty for a wife in middle age, make sure her mother isn't a fatty in middle age.

SO True.

I love my brother dearly but jesus he got roped into this one.

He fell for this girl who was pursuing him heavily in college. He dated a lot of her friends (who were skinnier and more attractive). She kept pursuing and finally lost a ton of weight and her persistence paid off. They started dating... he fell for her. The only problem was... her mother is a gelatinous blob not unlike jabba the hut. He failed to take notice of the rule. The result?

Mother:

The daughter:

Apple...tree....and all that business....

Another mother-daughter set... local girl, very cute, but dumb as rocks... a natural blonde.

Mother-daughter set 1

Mother-daugher set 2

Mother-daughter set 3.

I do not remember why I was looking at these pics but that chick is hot. Love the dress photo. Wish tubby was not in the photos. It sucks when my eyes wander off the hot chick.
Here's some just of her and some friends...

1

2

3

4

And just so you don't forget whose daughter she is... 5

She's hot no doubt but also looks to be in her early 20's. Give it time.... I'd be intersted to see her at 30 or 35. I suspect genetics will win out. Hope not though... she looks like she'd be fun to toss around a bit.
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A word to the younger FBGs: Our fearless leader, Joe Bryant himself, has previously advised carefully checking out your beloved's mother before tying the knot because there's a good chance that 20-30 years later, that's what she's going to look like. So if you really don't want a fatty for a wife in middle age, make sure her mother isn't a fatty in middle age.

Don't go by image alone; ask if there is a family history of hyper-thyroid, etc...
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  • 2 weeks later...

UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
Good luck. Have there been any more conversations between you guys? Are you doing anything differently?
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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.

I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.

It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.

Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.

Cool. At least she's trying something.

Hope it all works out for you.

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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
Good luck. Have there been any more conversations between you guys? Are you doing anything differently?
Thanks.Other than the conversation that ended in her crying, no real other in-depth conversations. The last month has been extremely busy around our house, and this isn't the only family issue/drama (extended family problems). So I've just continued to try to support her in this new program. I've tried to do some more around the house when I can to take some stress off her in the evenings, and she's done well getting up super early in the mornings to exercise every day.Sex life = :missing: for lots of reasons
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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
Good luck. Have there been any more conversations between you guys? Are you doing anything differently?
Thanks.Other than the conversation that ended in her crying, no real other in-depth conversations. The last month has been extremely busy around our house, and this isn't the only family issue/drama (extended family problems). So I've just continued to try to support her in this new program. I've tried to do some more around the house when I can to take some stress off her in the evenings, and she's done well getting up super early in the mornings to exercise every day.Sex life = :missing: for lots of reasons
I would continue to do a lot of the things around the house if she is busting her butt every morning to exercise. I don't have to spell it out here but if you want noogie, do a whole bunch of chores around the house and then have a nice dinner ready for her after a "workout"...draw her a bath, help her dry off, if that doesn't work we have a whole bunch more ideas but I would start with that.
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I would continue to do a lot of the things around the house if she is busting her butt every morning to exercise. I don't have to spell it out here but if you want noogie, do a whole bunch of chores around the house and then have a nice dinner ready for her after a "workout"...draw her a bath, help her dry off, if that doesn't work we have a whole bunch more ideas but I would start with that.

You don't actually read the threads you post in, do you?
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I would continue to do a lot of the things around the house if she is busting her butt every morning to exercise. I don't have to spell it out here but if you want noogie, do a whole bunch of chores around the house and then have a nice dinner ready for her after a "workout"...draw her a bath, help her dry off, if that doesn't work we have a whole bunch more ideas but I would start with that.

You don't actually read the threads you post in, do you?
Who has that kind of time around here?
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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
I get the feeling from the tone of your post that you don't truly feel this is going to work any better than past attempts. You certainly don't seem excited that she's doing something, anything. Do you feel this is just a step she is taking to placate you rather than something she is really interested in doing for herself?
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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
Be glad she started something, and all you can do is encourage her. I'm sure you both know there isn't much of a quick fix, and there will be bumps as you go along, but it's a marathon not a sprint and it will keep coming off. Committing to a 1-year deal seems like a good idea because they won't let you regress too much, and i imagine it helps to make the lifestyle changes, and not a diet. One thing that has helped a lot of people i know trim some pounds id the myfitnesspal app with the iphone. I know there is a thread about it, and there is a website too if you don't have the access to an app. I have found it real helpful to trim some pounds by simply keeping track of what you eat. It doesn't limit what you can eat, just caloric intake. So if she really loves something she can have it, just needs to make up the caloric difference through other meals. Either way, congrats on having the talk and good luck going through it. Hopefully she makes big gains the first month or 2 and it has her seeing some results and encourage her to stay with it. It is a great feeling when you do these things and your clothes get looser and you feel better. If she can get to this level, it will be much easier for her to stick with a program
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When I met my girlfriend she was 22, 5'2" and would have to shop in the kids section to find clothes that fit her. I could pick her up and carry her around like it was nothing. 8 years later... not so much. During that time I went from 5'10" 190 and all kinds of cut, to a fairly squishy 180. Time is a real downer. :(

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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
I get the feeling from the tone of your post that you don't truly feel this is going to work any better than past attempts. You certainly don't seem excited that she's doing something, anything. Do you feel this is just a step she is taking to placate you rather than something she is really interested in doing for herself?
Well, nothing has worked in the past. And she is almost always trying "something, anything". I'm certainly not planning the post weight loss party yet, but I have some hope she'll stick with this one for a while.This is not something to placate me. I am not badgering her to lose weight, or making her feel bad, or in any way denigrating her. I'm sure part of it is her wanting to look good for me, but she's not doing it just to show me that she's trying. She really wants to lose the weight.
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:wub:

BTW- who is the facebook photo in your Flickr account? :excited:

You either have to do some research dating back to December 11, 2011, or ask sbonomo. He needed someone to post the pic, so I obliged. I forgot what it was all about.
that was the crazy chick next door.....she is not that great looking in person 4-5/10....she is very adventurous if you can find the thread.
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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
I get the feeling from the tone of your post that you don't truly feel this is going to work any better than past attempts. You certainly don't seem excited that she's doing something, anything. Do you feel this is just a step she is taking to placate you rather than something she is really interested in doing for herself?
Well, nothing has worked in the past. And she is almost always trying "something, anything". I'm certainly not planning the post weight loss party yet, but I have some hope she'll stick with this one for a while.This is not something to placate me. I am not badgering her to lose weight, or making her feel bad, or in any way denigrating her. I'm sure part of it is her wanting to look good for me, but she's not doing it just to show me that she's trying. She really wants to lose the weight.
At least you're seeing the effort put forth. Not happening in my house, and that's a big downer. Effort = she cares enough to try even if it's very difficult.
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have you eliminated all soda and alcohol from the house yet?

She doesn't drink alcohol, and all we have for soda is some leftover organic non-sugar sodas she bought at the whole foods store.
sweet tea? kool aid? capri sun? energy drinks? what does she drink? my guess is that it's something that is a wasteful 300-800 calories a day. drinking nothing but water will make a difference. usually a surprising one.
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Well, nothing has worked in the past. And she is almost always trying "something, anything". I'm certainly not planning the post weight loss party yet, but I have some hope she'll stick with this one for a while.This is not something to placate me. I am not badgering her to lose weight, or making her feel bad, or in any way denigrating her. I'm sure part of it is her wanting to look good for me, but she's not doing it just to show me that she's trying. She really wants to lose the weight.

Sounds good then. Hope it works out for you both.
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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
I get the feeling from the tone of your post that you don't truly feel this is going to work any better than past attempts. You certainly don't seem excited that she's doing something, anything. Do you feel this is just a step she is taking to placate you rather than something she is really interested in doing for herself?
Well, nothing has worked in the past. And she is almost always trying "something, anything". I'm certainly not planning the post weight loss party yet, but I have some hope she'll stick with this one for a while.This is not something to placate me. I am not badgering her to lose weight, or making her feel bad, or in any way denigrating her. I'm sure part of it is her wanting to look good for me, but she's not doing it just to show me that she's trying. She really wants to lose the weight.
At least you're seeing the effort put forth. Not happening in my house, and that's a big downer. Effort = she cares enough to try even if it's very difficult.
Sorry to hear that. Effort does make a big difference.Have you talked to her about it at all? Tried any of the advice in this thread?
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have you eliminated all soda and alcohol from the house yet?

She doesn't drink alcohol, and all we have for soda is some leftover organic non-sugar sodas she bought at the whole foods store.
sweet tea? kool aid? capri sun? energy drinks? what does she drink? my guess is that it's something that is a wasteful 300-800 calories a day. drinking nothing but water will make a difference. usually a surprising one.
She drinks unsweetened tea and water. There literally isn't anything else in the house for her to be drinking, so unless she's bringing home 64 oz big gulps during the day then she's being good. And I don't think she generally gets out of the house at lunch time, so I don't think that's it.
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Casually asked if she's been staying away from drinking bad stuff during the day and the answer was :no: . She's been getting regular sodas when she's been out and about.:wall:

You're never going to survive if you're getting this frustrated and involved. Whatever the reasons are for her gaining weight in the first place didn't magically go away. You'll make yourself miserable if you're second guessing all of her dietary and fitness choices.
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UPDATE?!?!?!?!

She is 2 weeks in to her latest weight loss "thing". This one is a year-long program w/ personal coaching, etc. They make weekly/monthly changes with the goal of changing one habit at a time.I.e. week 1 = start exercising every day, week 2 = start taking fish oil & vitamins, week 3 = ..., etc.It's not a "quick fix" type thing, which gives me hope that she'll stick with it, but I'm kind of sketchy on the whole thing.Around and around we go. Not sure how I'll react if this fails.
I get the feeling from the tone of your post that you don't truly feel this is going to work any better than past attempts. You certainly don't seem excited that she's doing something, anything. Do you feel this is just a step she is taking to placate you rather than something she is really interested in doing for herself?
Well, nothing has worked in the past. And she is almost always trying "something, anything". I'm certainly not planning the post weight loss party yet, but I have some hope she'll stick with this one for a while.This is not something to placate me. I am not badgering her to lose weight, or making her feel bad, or in any way denigrating her. I'm sure part of it is her wanting to look good for me, but she's not doing it just to show me that she's trying. She really wants to lose the weight.
At least you're seeing the effort put forth. Not happening in my house, and that's a big downer. Effort = she cares enough to try even if it's very difficult.
Sorry to hear that. Effort does make a big difference.Have you talked to her about it at all? Tried any of the advice in this thread?
Yes, numerous times. Tried anything and everything over the last 8 or so years, but nothing sticks. Same story as others in the thread. At this point, she's faced disappointment enough that the disappointment/shame associated with not succeeding is greater than her desire to improve. Outside of me leaving or a serious health issue, I don't see things changing. I recently appealed to her relative to our age and the likelihood that if things don't change now, they never will. And, this is the only shot at life we'll have; I'm tired of the status quo. I made a number of changes (exercise/diet) at the beginning of the year, have lost 30+ pounds. Hoped it would rub off (without any pressure or prodding from me), but no go. Oh well.
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Casually asked if she's been staying away from drinking bad stuff during the day and the answer was :no: . She's been getting regular sodas when she's been out and about.

:wall:

great web site with cool visuals

break it down, 2 12oz sodas is around 300 calories. if shes looking to limit her caloric intake to 1500-1850 that's a huge percentage of her daily total.

and i'm certain that there are a lot of uncounted snacks, drinks, etc in her day to day life. it's hard to see them unless one really looks.

good luck man.

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  • 1 month later...

1. Tell her it bothers you. You've been married for 10 years. You should be able to communicate this.

2. You do the grocery shopping. If it isn't in the house, she can't eat it

3. Exercise with her. Even if it is just walking every night.

1. She already knows it bothers him.

2. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds.

3. Neither is this, if you have busy schedules and kids.

You can't take the kids on the walk, too? :confused:

Go to the park, and run after the kids.

As a single mom, it took me a while to lose the baby weight because I can't go to the gym (lack of baby sitter). I incorporated weight loss activities with my kid, even if it means pushing the stroller around the community.

The lack of time for a gym is a Bull#### excuse. You can get a great workout in each morning in about 20-30 mins (max) and using only a set of dumbells and your own body weight.

The ruse that you have to go spend 2 hours at the gym to get in shape is bull####. Eat right and do pushups/situps and some dumbell exercises each morning and you'll shed the weight.

:goodposting:

20-30 minutes for 3-5 days a week is all it really takes. Just go for a walk to start off.

I'd also recommend the OP to join his wife on the walks or join her in losing weight. It will be a lot easier for the both of you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Update:

I would guess that anyone outside our house would look at me/us and just say how blessed we are. But really I'm not enjoying life right now. Of course we are busy because of the kids, and that's fine. I like having kids and all the craziness that entails. But the relationship with the wife is just not good right now. Not only has no real change happened in the weight department (and I'm not just talking the # of pounds lost, I'm talking effort), but we just generally don't get along. She has a really negative attitude towards everything, and it drives me crazy. She has no passion for anything and is rarely in a good mood. It's really depressing coming home from work sometimes.

Sorry, it's only Thursday.

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Update:I would guess that anyone outside our house would look at me/us and just say how blessed we are. But really I'm not enjoying life right now. Of course we are busy because of the kids, and that's fine. I like having kids and all the craziness that entails. But the relationship with the wife is just not good right now. Not only has no real change happened in the weight department (and I'm not just talking the # of pounds lost, I'm talking effort), but we just generally don't get along. She has a really negative attitude towards everything, and it drives me crazy. She has no passion for anything and is rarely in a good mood. It's really depressing coming home from work sometimes.Sorry, it's only Thursday.

Life is too short.
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Update:I would guess that anyone outside our house would look at me/us and just say how blessed we are. But really I'm not enjoying life right now. Of course we are busy because of the kids, and that's fine. I like having kids and all the craziness that entails. But the relationship with the wife is just not good right now. Not only has no real change happened in the weight department (and I'm not just talking the # of pounds lost, I'm talking effort), but we just generally don't get along. She has a really negative attitude towards everything, and it drives me crazy. She has no passion for anything and is rarely in a good mood. It's really depressing coming home from work sometimes.Sorry, it's only Thursday.

Sorry to hear this. I've thought about this thread a bunch of times but didn't want to ask for an update because I suspected this. It's a tough road.
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Dude, I've read this whole thread. It is now time to get some professional counseling for your wife.

This. She's depressed. The weight gain and depression feed on each other (no pun intended). Poor nutrition and extra weight impact hormone levels, which impact mood. Depression can lead to poor nutrition. Rinse and repeat. That's just the biological causes. Then there's body image issues. With all due respect to the poster who said 'Life's too short' (I'm reading this to mean you should get out of the situation) screw that. That's a terribly selfish outlook. You committed for better or worse. You have an obligation to help her. Sure, divorce is an option. But you have to exhaust any and all other options.
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