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My wife, she's... overweight.


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I've asked her before if she's happy, and she says of course she's happy. She gets defensive and just blames it on "our life is stressful right now" if I point out that she never really seems happy.

I'm not quite sure how to go about suggesting she go to counseling. Pretty sure she'd be completely shocked if I ever suggested it.

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I've asked her before if she's happy, and she says of course she's happy. She gets defensive and just blames it on "our life is stressful right now" if I point out that she never really seems happy.

I'm not quite sure how to go about suggesting she go to counseling. Pretty sure she'd be completely shocked if I ever suggested it.

That's what it takes. She needs to become aware she's got problems that she's not dealing with effectively and needs help to solve. Until that point she'll just keep going on like she has.
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I've asked her before if she's happy, and she says of course she's happy. She gets defensive and just blames it on "our life is stressful right now" if I point out that she never really seems happy.I'm not quite sure how to go about suggesting she go to counseling. Pretty sure she'd be completely shocked if I ever suggested it.

I've been to counseling three times in my life. I went a few times in 2004 at the urging of my then wife (now divorced) due to severe depression and some major drama going on in my life. One of the very first things this professional asked me was "how often are you working out", to which I replied "not at all". He gave me a trial rx of Zoloft and I took it hoping it would end the depression and get my life back on track. I also started working out with some regularity (late night walks, nothing too taxing). Well, I hated the Zoloft and couldn't wait to get it out of my system. The exercise did more for me and eventually, I pulled out of my funk without having to visit the therapist more than 3 total times.I went to marriage counselling with my then wife in 2005 to try and save our marriage. We went a total of 3-4 times and it helped a little, but not much. We both wanted different things from each other and while we were able to survive together for 2 more years, we just never could get on the same page and eventually we split in Dec. 2007. But I do think the marriage counselling was important and I'm glad we did it. Even if it didn't lead to a happy, long, fulfilling marriage with her, it allowed us to see that we just weren't right for each other.During the divorce process in the fall of 2007, I again went to see a therapist, a different one. I was back to being severely depressed and was at a point where all I wanted to do was drink myself to sleep and I didn't care if I ever woke back up. It was the bleakest I've ever been in my life. One of the first things the guy asked me (after I begged him for pills to make me not depressed) was how much I was working out. "Not at all" I said. And he told me what I already knew and that was people who exercise regularly 3-4 times a week are far less likely to develop depression and is a natural way to stave off depression without the interaction of anti-depressants. So I started training for a half marathon soon after and have been exercising with some regularity ever since. When I start to feel mopey or sad, I ask myself "well, are you exercising regularly" and if I'm not, I hit the pavement, hit the gym or - as of a few months ago - hit the bike. This long rambling diatribe is just another effort to say that depression can (in many cases) be combated with regular exercise. And if your wife is willing to read this or anything related to this subject, perhaps she'll give it a try. But you can't make her do it. That's the rub, right? I feel for you. If she gives counselling a try, I would bet the therapist would tell her to work out regularly before writing a script. All I got. Good luck, man.
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I've asked her before if she's happy, and she says of course she's happy. She gets defensive and just blames it on "our life is stressful right now" if I point out that she never really seems happy.

I'm not quite sure how to go about suggesting she go to counseling. Pretty sure she'd be completely shocked if I ever suggested it.

That's what it takes. She needs to become aware she's got problems that she's not dealing with effectively and needs help to solve. Until that point she'll just keep going on like she has.
My ex-wife threatened to leave me if I didn't go to counselling that first time. That's what it took to get me there. We had two very small kids at the time and I was terrified of breaking the marriage up, even though I hated it and at times, hated her. It's scary taking the plunge and before I went, I was dead set against it. But I was pushed into it and I'm glad I went. FWIW.
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I've asked her before if she's happy, and she says of course she's happy. She gets defensive and just blames it on "our life is stressful right now" if I point out that she never really seems happy.

I'm not quite sure how to go about suggesting she go to counseling. Pretty sure she'd be completely shocked if I ever suggested it.

That's what it takes. She needs to become aware she's got problems that she's not dealing with effectively and needs help to solve. Until that point she'll just keep going on like she has.
My ex-wife threatened to leave me if I didn't go to counselling that first time. That's what it took to get me there. We had two very small kids at the time and I was terrified of breaking the marriage up, even though I hated it and at times, hated her. It's scary taking the plunge and before I went, I was dead set against it. But I was pushed into it and I'm glad I went. FWIW.
:yes:

That's why I said he needs to tell her either she gets into therapy or he leaves. Most people need to realize they've hit bottom or have some kind of shock applied before they can be motivated to get therapy. And by therapy I'm not talking psychiatrist, I'm talking psychologist.

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Dude, I've read this whole thread. It is now time to get some professional counseling for your wife.

This. She's depressed. The weight gain and depression feed on each other (no pun intended). Poor nutrition and extra weight impact hormone levels, which impact mood. Depression can lead to poor nutrition. Rinse and repeat. That's just the biological causes. Then there's body image issues.

With all due respect to the poster who said 'Life's too short' (I'm reading this to mean you should get out of the situation) lyscrew that. That's a terribly selfish outlook. You committed for better or worse. You have an obligation to help her.

Sure, divorce is an option. But you have to exhaust any and all other options.

Have not read the entire thread, but if she doesn't want to help herself, there's nothing he can possibly do to help her. If this is the case, the only thing that could possibly help her is for the OP to be the best he can be everyday.
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Dude, I've read this whole thread. It is now time to get some professional counseling for your wife.

This. She's depressed. The weight gain and depression feed on each other (no pun intended). Poor nutrition and extra weight impact hormone levels, which impact mood. Depression can lead to poor nutrition. Rinse and repeat. That's just the biological causes. Then there's body image issues.

With all due respect to the poster who said 'Life's too short' (I'm reading this to mean you should get out of the situation) lyscrew that. That's a terribly selfish outlook. You committed for better or worse. You have an obligation to help her.

Sure, divorce is an option. But you have to exhaust any and all other options.

Have not read the entire thread, but if she doesn't want to help herself, there's nothing he can possibly do to help her. If this is the case, the only thing that could possibly help her is for the OP to be the best he can be everyday.
I agree. I mean support/encourage counseling, get blood tests to see if there's a medical condition etc. I was just responding to a flippant post above. Edited by mr roboto
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Dude, I've read this whole thread. It is now time to get some professional counseling for your wife.

This. She's depressed. The weight gain and depression feed on each other (no pun intended). Poor nutrition and extra weight impact hormone levels, which impact mood. Depression can lead to poor nutrition. Rinse and repeat. That's just the biological causes. Then there's body image issues.

With all due respect to the poster who said 'Life's too short' (I'm reading this to mean you should get out of the situation) lyscrew that. That's a terribly selfish outlook. You committed for better or worse. You have an obligation to help her.

Sure, divorce is an option. But you have to exhaust any and all other options.

Have not read the entire thread, but if she doesn't want to help herself, there's nothing he can possibly do to help her. If this is the case, the only thing that could possibly help her is for the OP to be the best he can be everyday.
I agree. I mean support/encourage counseling, get blood tests to see if there's a medical condition etc. I was just responding to a flippant post above.
:goodposting:
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My wife, she's... overweight. Anyone successfully navigate this problem before?

Drop hints, but be subtle about it. Ask something like, "Hey, honey, do you know what Fat Lever is up to these days?"
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Update:I would guess that anyone outside our house would look at me/us and just say how blessed we are. But really I'm not enjoying life right now. Of course we are busy because of the kids, and that's fine. I like having kids and all the craziness that entails. But the relationship with the wife is just not good right now. Not only has no real change happened in the weight department (and I'm not just talking the # of pounds lost, I'm talking effort), but we just generally don't get along. She has a really negative attitude towards everything, and it drives me crazy. She has no passion for anything and is rarely in a good mood. It's really depressing coming home from work sometimes.Sorry, it's only Thursday.

I'm still right there with you man. I don't necessarily get the negativity from her, but we're pretty much completely in roommates who take care of children mode. We discussed the issues a couple of months back, said she knew she needed to focus on herself for a while. I told her I'd support her in whatever she needed to do. Find a hobby, exercise, spend more time with friends...whatever. I think literally not one thing changed. I'd say I don't care, but it totally messes with my attitude and mood. It's been a difficult few years.
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I'll start this off by saying that I love my wife, and that I don't want anything but for us to live a long and happy life together. She is an amazing wife and mother in almost all respects.But, she's overweight. And not "just a couple pounds" overweight. We're talking probably at least 60-70 #'s higher than the day we said 'I do'. We've been married over 10 years and it's been about a year since the last kid. She's never been "skinny", and so I don't expect her to be that. But I'm getting to the point where it's really starting to bother me.It's not that she doesn't know she's overweight. She knows it. She's always struggled with it. She's never been a lazy person, but she does have problems with food. You name the diet programs and she's tried them. Each time it just ends with me being frustrated that she's throwing money away by giving up X number of days/weeks into it, and her being upset at me for "not understanding".I work full time. She works at home part-time while taking care of the kids (though we have a babysitter/nanny for more hours per day at home than I'd prefer). She's got a lot on her plate and we don't have the time or money to hire her a personal trainer/nutritionist and send her to the gym for an hour a day.Meanwhile, sex has dropped off considerably over the last few years. Partially due to kids, I'll admit. But nowadays the kids are in bed by 8 or 9 and there's plenty of time that we COULD spend together. I think her weight gain has affected her sex drive considerably, and if she felt better about herself she would be a lot more interested. And I guess her weight gain has affected MY sex drive as well. I really find it amazing how our connection to each other really seems to ebb and flow with our sex life.I DO know how hard it is for her. She doesn't want to weigh what she does. But right now her will to change is not greater than her will to eat or be healthy. I want her to get back to her old self for the purposes stated above, but I also want her to be around for a while, and she's not at a healthy weight.She knows I'd prefer her skinnier, but I have NOT told her that it's really been bothering me. It's a delicate conversation and a delicate situation, where "Just tell her to get her fat ### in shape!" is just not the best approach.I know everyone here has supermodel wives but maybe there's a few average FBG's who have come out on the victorious side of this problem and now have better-than-ever relationships with their wives. What did it take? What did you do?All responses welcome.

How I missed this I do not know. This could be me to a tee outside of the work part. My wife works constantly. Anxious to read the recommendations here!
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I've been reading and following this thread for a while. I’ve refrained from commenting because I’ve had so many mixed emotions (both good and bad) to the OP and others who have responded.

Just for a little background, I'm in the exact opposite situation as you. I've got a wife who has never put on an extra pound in our ten years of marriage. She doesn't even have to try to stay skinny and healthy. It's in here genes. Me, on the other hand, is someone who has always struggled with their weight. I've fluctuated from a 170 lb runner to a 240 pound couch potato. My weight is something that is always on my radar and something I will have to fight to keep in check my entire life.

When times were bad and I was at my heaviest/unhealthiest, I was depressed. I was embarrassed of the way I looked. I felt like I was a disappointment to the wife and unattractive. Worst of all, I was unhealthy; my energy was low and my spirits were too.

There were many times my wife tried to help me. She suggested diets, exercise... She tried every trick in the book to get me motivated. None of it worked. It wasn't until I finally got sick of being depressed and started having some health problems, I got the internal motivation I needed to make some changes. That was late last year, and although I haven't shed a ton of weight, I have gotten myself in very good cardio vascular shape and taken some steps toward improving my physique. I am a different person. The energy is back. I am a better husband, dad and just get more done all around.

I think you have three choices.

1. If you feel like you don't have the time, patience or ability to help her change, and you're unwilling to live with things the way they are, then get out. You throw her a bone every now and then in your posts (good mom...), but so much of what you say seems to be about how you are feeling, what you need. How it affects you... Please read number three below, but your tone and words make me skeptical you’re the type of individual who would commit to that.

2. Accept it; most people out there have problems. Money, jobs, addictions, health, weight... If you are the kind of person that can put this on the backburner, do it. Focus on everything else in your life, make the best out of things and try to make yourself and family happy.

3. Intervene. Giving her advice and getting on her when she eats bad... isn't going to force change. You want her to change and if she is willing, take action. Clean out the pantry/fridge/freezer and start over. You cook meals at night and pack her lunches for the next day. Get the two of you gym memberships and literally force her to go. Get a babysitter and make the time. Do it with her. If she sees you making the effort, I think there's a chance to break through the rut and make changes. This is the type of thing you are signing up for when you get married.

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Talk to her. Tell her you want counseling because you are seriously thinking of leaving.

Is he seriously thinking of leaving? Because he hasn't said that in the thread. And making an empty threat probably isn't a very good idea.
He hasn't said it doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Staying for the kids just doesn't work and he's getting there sooner rather than later.
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I've asked her before if she's happy, and she says of course she's happy. She gets defensive and just blames it on "our life is stressful right now" if I point out that she never really seems happy.I'm not quite sure how to go about suggesting she go to counseling. Pretty sure she'd be completely shocked if I ever suggested it.

I've been to counseling three times in my life. I went a few times in 2004 at the urging of my then wife (now divorced) due to severe depression and some major drama going on in my life. One of the very first things this professional asked me was "how often are you working out", to which I replied "not at all". He gave me a trial rx of Zoloft and I took it hoping it would end the depression and get my life back on track. I also started working out with some regularity (late night walks, nothing too taxing). Well, I hated the Zoloft and couldn't wait to get it out of my system. The exercise did more for me and eventually, I pulled out of my funk without having to visit the therapist more than 3 total times.I went to marriage counselling with my then wife in 2005 to try and save our marriage. We went a total of 3-4 times and it helped a little, but not much. We both wanted different things from each other and while we were able to survive together for 2 more years, we just never could get on the same page and eventually we split in Dec. 2007. But I do think the marriage counselling was important and I'm glad we did it. Even if it didn't lead to a happy, long, fulfilling marriage with her, it allowed us to see that we just weren't right for each other.During the divorce process in the fall of 2007, I again went to see a therapist, a different one. I was back to being severely depressed and was at a point where all I wanted to do was drink myself to sleep and I didn't care if I ever woke back up. It was the bleakest I've ever been in my life. One of the first things the guy asked me (after I begged him for pills to make me not depressed) was how much I was working out. "Not at all" I said. And he told me what I already knew and that was people who exercise regularly 3-4 times a week are far less likely to develop depression and is a natural way to stave off depression without the interaction of anti-depressants. So I started training for a half marathon soon after and have been exercising with some regularity ever since. When I start to feel mopey or sad, I ask myself "well, are you exercising regularly" and if I'm not, I hit the pavement, hit the gym or - as of a few months ago - hit the bike. This long rambling diatribe is just another effort to say that depression can (in many cases) be combated with regular exercise. And if your wife is willing to read this or anything related to this subject, perhaps she'll give it a try. But you can't make her do it. That's the rub, right? I feel for you. If she gives counselling a try, I would bet the therapist would tell her to work out regularly before writing a script. All I got. Good luck, man.
Thanks GM.
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I'm not getting out, and I'm not threatening to get out. It's just not me. We've already been through tough times before and come through it. I don't want someone else, I just want my normal wife back.

:thumbup: That's a good attitude.I know this may sound silly, but remember back to when you courted her. I'm sure you would have done anything to impress her back then. Holding open car doors, little gifts, flowers...Try to think of this the same way. Challenge yourself to help her and do whatever it takes if you really want this. Make her breakfest in bed (bagel and fruit, yogurt...). Surprise her some night with a candlelight dinner of fish and vegetables. Take her to some park near you every other night and go for a walk holding her hand.You can do it, and in a way that makes her feel good and want to suceed. It is work, but in the end, you'll both be happier.
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3. Intervene. Giving her advice and getting on her when she eats bad... isn't going to force change. You want her to change and if she is willing, take action. Clean out the pantry/fridge/freezer and start over. You cook meals at night and pack her lunches for the next day. Get the two of you gym memberships and literally force her to go. Get a babysitter and make the time. Do it with her. If she sees you making the effort, I think there's a chance to break through the rut and make changes. This is the type of thing you are signing up for when you get married.

In my experience this approach leads to a lot of severe unhappiness, frustration and conflict.
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I've been reading and following this thread for a while. I’ve refrained from commenting because I’ve had so many mixed emotions (both good and bad) to the OP and others who have responded.Just for a little background, I'm in the exact opposite situation as you. I've got a wife who has never put on an extra pound in our ten years of marriage. She doesn't even have to try to stay skinny and healthy. It's in here genes. Me, on the other hand, is someone who has always struggled with their weight. I've fluctuated from a 170 lb runner to a 240 pound couch potato. My weight is something that is always on my radar and something I will have to fight to keep in check my entire life.

This is a good perspective and I'm glad you posted. I do think fat husband/attractive wife is a somewhat easier situation to deal with than the reverse. At least it's way more common.
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Talk to her. Tell her you want counseling because you are seriously thinking of leaving.

Is he seriously thinking of leaving? Because he hasn't said that in the thread. And making an empty threat probably isn't a very good idea.
He hasn't said it doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Staying for the kids just doesn't work and he's getting there sooner rather than later.
What exactly do you mean by it "just doesn't work"?
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I'm not getting out, and I'm not threatening to get out. It's just not me. We've already been through tough times before and come through it. I don't want someone else, I just want my normal wife back.

Great perspective and committment. I applaud this. I have no idea how it would go over, but could you say something to the effect like you did in this last sentence?
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3. Intervene. Giving her advice and getting on her when she eats bad... isn't going to force change. You want her to change and if she is willing, take action. Clean out the pantry/fridge/freezer and start over. You cook meals at night and pack her lunches for the next day. Get the two of you gym memberships and literally force her to go. Get a babysitter and make the time. Do it with her. If she sees you making the effort, I think there's a chance to break through the rut and make changes. This is the type of thing you are signing up for when you get married.

In my experience this approach leads to a lot of severe unhappiness, frustration and conflict.
You're right about that.When my wife told me she wanted me to lose weight to look like I used, I got offended, upset, but it didn't lead me to change.When my wife told me she wanted me to lose weight to be healthier for her and our son, I got sad, but it didn't lead me to change.When she started cooking me healthy meals and packing healthier foods for lunch and picking different place to go out to eat, it really did help, to a certain degree.In the end, it wasn't until I commited to change that things really started happening. However, seeing her walk the walk for me, and not just talk, did give me motivation. I felt if she was willing to do extra, take time and make effort to help me get healthy, I was letting her down if I didn't take advantage.In the end, I do agree that 95% of it is on the individual to make the change, but in the OPs situation, he seems unwilling to let life continue in this manner, so one choice he has is to assist with actions. It might not work, but it's something I'd personally give a shot before I choose a path of divorce or something similiar.
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Talk to her. Tell her you want counseling because you are seriously thinking of leaving.

Is he seriously thinking of leaving? Because he hasn't said that in the thread. And making an empty threat probably isn't a very good idea.
He hasn't said it doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Staying for the kids just doesn't work and he's getting there sooner rather than later.
What exactly do you mean by it "just doesn't work"?
For most people, staying together for the kids isn't a good idea. They try for a while and they fail. For the few that succeed, the kids grow up with the weirdest idea of what marriage is and have a hard time with their own relationship. I've known several people who wished their parents would just have divorced, so they could have at least seen their parents happy. There are cases where people work through it but in my experience, not many.
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Does she have a free hour or two during the day when you'll take care of the kids/ dinner/ house cleaning? Eh. Sometimes, I think the woman that have it all together put themselves first and make that time. And that's great, but something's gotta give. Usually, it's family time.

Don't worry though. She'll lose it when she's ready. Just stick close and do what you can to make her believe she's still beautiful to you. From my experience, women who are loved they way they are, are more likely to want to look better for whomever loves them. Maybe not now. Maybe she's too busy taking care of everyone else. Making sure everyone else's needs are met and it's she's just got too much going on to worry about herself. Buuuut, there will come a time.

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I'm not getting out, and I'm not threatening to get out. It's just not me. We've already been through tough times before and come through it. I don't want someone else, I just want my normal wife back.

I haven't read the entire thread or if I have, I can't recall, but would you two be able to attend something like Body Pump together? These are great work outs and typically, not too much money to join one. My wife and I did this together before she got pregnant and we both loved it. She might feel better going if you go with her. Can somebody watch your kids while you go? Maybe get a sitter 2 times a week?

I really like what Larry Allen said above regarding his condition...he hasn't shed a bunch of weight, but he is healthier. That should be goal number one. Weight might be slow to melt away, but getting in better shape will really help a lot, IMO. If you go with her, it might help with her confidence and once the ball gets rolling, I bet she'll really enjoy it.

I have a lot of admiration for guys like you who love their wives the way you do. I think you can help her out here, but you're going to need to lead a little bit and be forceful without being mean. Encourage and coax her into better habits. Make the time. Spend the money. Get her to join you. Get her moving. Push her. Help her. Wear a silly headband if you must.

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I agree with all of this. Both my wife and I have put on a few el bees since we tied the knot a couple years ago. Rather than nag her about it, I joined a crossfit gym, went October on a strict diet, and have been pretty (for me) disciplined. At no point in time did I ask her to do anything, but lo and behold, she's lost a little bit of weight and is happy about it. It might be hard for you. You won't see results from her right away, but if you commit to leading by example, eventually it's very likely she'll fall in line.

The OP says he's already practicing good habits.
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For most people, staying together for the kids isn't a good idea. They try for a while and they fail. For the few that succeed, the kids grow up with the weirdest idea of what marriage is and have a hard time with their own relationship. I've known several people who wished their parents would just have divorced, so they could have at least seen their parents happy. There are cases where people work through it but in my experience, not many.

Would the OP's wife be happy if she was divorced? It seems like it would make her less happy. I agree that staying together for the kids is unworkable if you're a couple that's constantly fighting and yelling at each other. But that's not the way I understand his relationship.
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For most people, staying together for the kids isn't a good idea. They try for a while and they fail. For the few that succeed, the kids grow up with the weirdest idea of what marriage is and have a hard time with their own relationship. I've known several people who wished their parents would just have divorced, so they could have at least seen their parents happy. There are cases where people work through it but in my experience, not many.

Would the OP's wife be happy if she was divorced? It seems like it would make her less happy. I agree that staying together for the kids is unworkable if you're a couple that's constantly fighting and yelling at each other. But that's not the way I understand his relationship.
Perhaps I've missed it in here, but what would you suggest?
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For most people, staying together for the kids isn't a good idea. They try for a while and they fail. For the few that succeed, the kids grow up with the weirdest idea of what marriage is and have a hard time with their own relationship. I've known several people who wished their parents would just have divorced, so they could have at least seen their parents happy. There are cases where people work through it but in my experience, not many.

Would the OP's wife be happy if she was divorced? It seems like it would make her less happy. I agree that staying together for the kids is unworkable if you're a couple that's constantly fighting and yelling at each other. But that's not the way I understand his relationship.
I don't know if she would be happy if they divorced, but she's not happy now either. This is gonna sound weird, but I'd rather be in a relationship were I fought and yelled. Then at least both parties care enough to fight and yell. If I ever felt like my husband was indifferent to me, I think it'd be worse.
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YOU can't motivate her to lose weight (longterm).

A few things that can motivate a woman to lose weight...

Unhappy in her marriage and/or with you

Her girlfriends are smaller/more active than she is

She is jealous of another woman

She is tired of being depressed about shopping

Getting ready for big event or summer

SHE wants to be healthy and look better

MOST of the reasons stem from her competing with OTHER WOMEN. But when a woman gets too comfortable in her situation, they can let themselves go. Why would they care to look hot??? They already landed a husband. Sort of like when guys get lazy and stop taking their wives out on dates or stop working out. Comfort can be a bad thing for some... and for others a reminder that their marriage is okay. :)

Edited by Shutterbug
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Would you be happy if you had your old wife back, just fat? I mean she'd have her sex drive back and wouldn't be self-conscious about her body, but she'd still be overweight.

In case she just hasn't found the right weight-loss plan that will motivate her, I recommend MyFitnessPal: free, portable (iphone/droid app), and it teaches you good habits that last forever.

Also, my wife and our marriage went through a similar stage (less magnitude, but similar issues), but when the youngest turned about 2.5, my old wife came back. She'd been sleep-deprived for 8 years.

Edited by Tick
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The fact that this thread is still alive shows thew immensity (pun intended) of the fupa problems facing FBG husbands these days.

here's the secret to losing weight...burn more calories than you take in. but that takes self discipline, impulse control, and sweat equity. all stuff that most fatties are lacking

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I don't know if she would be happy if they divorced, but she's not happy now either. This is gonna sound weird, but I'd rather be in a relationship were I fought and yelled. Then at least both parties care enough to fight and yell. If I ever felt like my husband was indifferent to me, I think it'd be worse.

Yeah, I think both of us hoped for and expected a different type of marriage. But it feels like there's no way to get there from where we are now. So we're faced with either continuing a less satisfying marriage, or ending it and dealing with the consequences of that choice. Neither option is what we would have wanted.
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I don't know if she would be happy if they divorced, but she's not happy now either. This is gonna sound weird, but I'd rather be in a relationship were I fought and yelled. Then at least both parties care enough to fight and yell. If I ever felt like my husband was indifferent to me, I think it'd be worse.

Yeah, I think both of us hoped for and expected a different type of marriage. But it feels like there's no way to get there from where we are now. So we're faced with either continuing a less satisfying marriage, or ending it and dealing with the consequences of that choice. Neither option is what we would have wanted.
I think you guys can get there BUT it'll take both of you to really work at it. It sounds like your wife doesn't realize how unhappy you are and she needs a serious wake up call before she'll take action. I know that you've been supportive but at a certain point, it's not helping. I don't know what the answers are but I wish you luck.
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In case she just hasn't found the right weight-loss plan that will motivate her, I recommend MyFitnessPal: free, portable (iphone/droid app), and it teaches you good habits that last forever.

Lost almost 20 pounds since August using this. I'm lazy so no real exercise, but just monitoring calorie intake has kept me from sitting down in front of the TV and eating a dozen mini chocolate bars.
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Yeah, I think both of us hoped for and expected a different type of marriage. But it feels like there's no way to get there from where we are now. So we're faced with either continuing a less satisfying marriage, or ending it and dealing with the consequences of that choice. Neither option is what we would have wanted.

I think you guys can get there BUT it'll take both of you to really work at it. It sounds like your wife doesn't realize how unhappy you are and she needs a serious wake up call before she'll take action. I know that you've been supportive but at a certain point, it's not helping. I don't know what the answers are but I wish you luck.
Thanks for the good wishes. We've had a bunch of conversations where I've expressed my unhappiness although I try to be careful not to say certain things that can't be unsaid. I'm not willing to give her a "serious wake up call" if that means threatening divorce.
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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm getting pretty frustrated. Effort is nil, which is the most frustrating part. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.Probably going to have a conversation this week in which the intensity of my comments and feelings are stepped up a notch.

Does she have a good friend that is overweight or lost a lot of weight? My wife has helped motivate a friend that was morbidly obeast. Where the husband was not successful a good GF was able to get the motor into gear. It has been off and on with that friend because she recently had another baby, but I always see them on FB discussing time frames and goals when she gets off maternity leave.
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