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My wife, she's... overweight. (2 Viewers)

Judge Smails said:
It's a really tough spot. For all of you who advocate saying nothing, what if she just keeps getting bigger and makes zero attempt at better lifestyle choices?

If this is a teenage daughter it's different. I would just make sure everything I put in a fridge, pantry and on the table is healthy. Everyone in the family eats well as a lifestyle change. I would be very worried about self esteem and body image issues with a daughter. But less so for a wife who is and not making real attempts at being healthy. You don't have to be thin or a supermodel. Don't have to be a workout freak. JUST DON'T EAT CRAP AND WALK EVERYDAY. it's not that hard.

Trust me, after a divorce she'll get in shape. Amazing how that happens. Good luck.
That's the old joke:

Q: How can you get your wife to lose weight and be interested in sex again?

A: Divorce her

 
Invaded? said:
I really cannot remember every detail of the conversation, every word, but somehow through all that, the things she came away with were:

1. I think she's hideous (I don't)

2. She is not 'special' to me anymore (wrong)

She said she needs time to "process" things, so I am going to give her some space. I tried to be honest with her in a way that conveyed wanting to fix our relationship, and it didn't seem to work. Somehow I came out of the conversation as the bad guy.
i hate to say it, but that's a woman for ya.

 
Invaded? said:
Wrighteous Ray said:
Well. That didn't go well.
I'd be interested in hearing more about this if you're comfortable sharing.
Well, first of all, I didn't "tell her she's fat".I've been really bummed on our relationship lately and she has noticed. Over the past week I actually noticed some more effort on her part, but it had just gotten to a point where I was beyond the tipping point where I could just turn it around. Her weight is part of it, but only a part.

So last night I was doing the dishes and she asked me if there was "something she did" or if I was just stressed from work, etc. (which I am). I told her lets talk after the kids go to bed.

So basically I just start out the conversation just telling her that I'm not happy with where our relationship is at, and I want to improve it. I told her that I can't remember the last time I came home from a long day and got a huge hug and a big sloppy kiss. I told her that I feel like I'm not getting enough affection from her. As a result, we are not communicating, don't spend quality time together, and just overall (from my perspective) have a personal relationship that is suffering.

Some of you might know the "love language" thing. About a year ago I had a conversation with her about this. I started off asking where I could improve. Her love language is words of encouragement (yeah, you can see where this is going). So I spend time (months?) trying to really encourage her, give her complements about what a great mom she is (she is), how she's doing a great job balancing kids and part time work, give her complements on her appearance when she looked nice, bringing home flowers or other things randomly, etc. She also asked me to work on my temper with the kids. I tried to work on that as well.

I told her that what I wanted her to improve on was her affection towards me. Random physical touching (doesn't even have to be sexual), kissing, etc. I needed to feel like her husband, not her roommate.

Anyway, after that conversation not much changed, even when I tried for months to consciously work on things from my end.

So back to last night, I bring up the conversation we had a year ago, how I felt like nothing changed on her end. She did not deny that. Eventually I talked about how she doesn't really seem happy (which she denied, offended that I thought that), that I think her self esteem has been down because of her weight and it seems to affect her personality. And that all that put together has just gradually made me lose interest, and that I wanted to fix it so we had the relationship we had 10 years ago. She admitted that she knew our relationship "could use improvement", but didn't think it was "that bad". I tried to emphasize that I wasn't putting everything on her, and that I knew there were things I needed to change, but I can't change them if we don't talk.

I really cannot remember every detail of the conversation, every word, but somehow through all that, the things she came away with were:

1. I think she's hideous (I don't)

2. She is not 'special' to me anymore (wrong)

She said she needs time to "process" things, so I am going to give her some space. I tried to be honest with her in a way that conveyed wanting to fix our relationship, and it didn't seem to work. Somehow I came out of the conversation as the bad guy.

So today I'm at work, more unhappy than I was yesterday.
All this was good and the bold was to be expected. Something this important to share had to be said. If you withheld it because you (correctly) anticipated deep hurt and wanted to spare her that would have been controlling on your part. It's not your job to manage her emotions and feelings. Plus, you probably would have continued to feel resentment as you bottled up your thoughts.

Through my own marriage therapy, I've learned that our emotional responses to what one of us says comes from within. Your wife taking offense, or getting angry, or whatever, in response to what you said comes from her. Keep telling yourself this over and over, even when she's blaming you for making her upset:

"She's not angry with you. She's just angry."

Of course you shouldn't use this to intentionally throw mean-spirited verbal barbs at her, but it will help you keep focus on the issue and not the emotion clouding it. It will also help you engage her. You can now say something like, "I see that you're upset. I would like to talk further about this, but I think it's best when we're both in a good place emotionally. I'm ready to talk about this when you are as well. I also just want to say 'I love you' and we can work through this together."

Like anything else in life, practice makes perfect. Continue to engage her in these difficult conversations, remember not to take her emotional responses personally, have follow-up discussions. Lather, rinse, repeat. You will get better at this, as will your wife, and hopefully you'll be on a better path together.

 
Thanks pats, good stuff.

Next step is to just see what her response is after she's had time to internalize everything. I knew that "well I didn't think it was this bad" was going to be one of her immediate responses, and it was. Just shows how much of a disconnect is there.

I did tell her I loved her, and that I wouldn't be having this conversation with her if I didn't.

 
Can you give me an idea of what a typical eating day is like for her? Just curious. And what is significantly overweight? 225? 250? more? Do you have kids? How easy would it be to just split on her?
I think Invaded? said he thought she was more than 60 pounds overweight when he started the thread. Not sure if anything has changed there. And he said he had kids.
Just went back and read. He said she was never "skinny" but he thought she was 60-70 pounds more than when they married. So she's probably closer to 90 pounds overweight.
If she keeps going another 20-25 pounds, that number will hit my wife's present weight. That means he could have had two Chinese wives for the tonnage of one American wife.
And TWO wives is a good thing how, again??

 
Invaded? said:
Wrighteous Ray said:
Well. That didn't go well.
I'd be interested in hearing more about this if you're comfortable sharing.
Well, first of all, I didn't "tell her she's fat".

I've been really bummed on our relationship lately and she has noticed. Over the past week I actually noticed some more effort on her part, but it had just gotten to a point where I was beyond the tipping point where I could just turn it around. Her weight is part of it, but only a part.

So last night I was doing the dishes and she asked me if there was "something she did" or if I was just stressed from work, etc. (which I am). I told her lets talk after the kids go to bed.

So basically I just start out the conversation just telling her that I'm not happy with where our relationship is at, and I want to improve it. I told her that I can't remember the last time I came home from a long day and got a huge hug and a big sloppy kiss. I told her that I feel like I'm not getting enough affection from her. As a result, we are not communicating, don't spend quality time together, and just overall (from my perspective) have a personal relationship that is suffering.

Some of you might know the "love language" thing. About a year ago I had a conversation with her about this. I started off asking where I could improve. Her love language is words of encouragement (yeah, you can see where this is going). So I spend time (months?) trying to really encourage her, give her complements about what a great mom she is (she is), how she's doing a great job balancing kids and part time work, give her complements on her appearance when she looked nice, bringing home flowers or other things randomly, etc. She also asked me to work on my temper with the kids. I tried to work on that as well.

I told her that what I wanted her to improve on was her affection towards me. Random physical touching (doesn't even have to be sexual), kissing, etc. I needed to feel like her husband, not her roommate.

Anyway, after that conversation not much changed, even when I tried for months to consciously work on things from my end.

So back to last night, I bring up the conversation we had a year ago, how I felt like nothing changed on her end. She did not deny that. Eventually I talked about how she doesn't really seem happy (which she denied, offended that I thought that), that I think her self esteem has been down because of her weight and it seems to affect her personality. And that all that put together has just gradually made me lose interest, and that I wanted to fix it so we had the relationship we had 10 years ago. She admitted that she knew our relationship "could use improvement", but didn't think it was "that bad". I tried to emphasize that I wasn't putting everything on her, and that I knew there were things I needed to change, but I can't change them if we don't talk.

I really cannot remember every detail of the conversation, every word, but somehow through all that, the things she came away with were:

1. I think she's hideous (I don't)

2. She is not 'special' to me anymore (wrong)

She said she needs time to "process" things, so I am going to give her some space. I tried to be honest with her in a way that conveyed wanting to fix our relationship, and it didn't seem to work. Somehow I came out of the conversation as the bad guy.

So today I'm at work, more unhappy than I was yesterday.
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.

 
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case.

Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.

 
I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.
We can tell.

 
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case.

Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
What does that mean? She doesn't sound like she's going to be an agent for change if she's denying that she's unhappy, even if she is conceding here and there that some things in the marriage should be better. She sounds like she's fine with the status quo, and that's entirely in line with "blaming" you for the conversation, which it sounds like she is.

 
I hate to bring it up, I really do. But most Chinese women are naturally slim. My wife, for example, 43 years old and size 2 and she doesn't even try to stay slim. That's just the way she's built. Same with my daughter... size 0 petite and she doesn't even think about diets.
PICS!
Link
:no:
Oh like you can tell the difference!
:lmao:

 
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case.

Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
What does that mean? She doesn't sound like she's going to be an agent for change if she's denying that she's unhappy, even if she is conceding here and there that some things in the marriage should be better. She sounds like she's fine with the status quo, and that's entirely in line with "blaming" you for the conversation, which it sounds like she is.
I mean that it was obvious her outlook on our relationship completely changed after last night. I could tell that the conversation was very impactful, one way or another.

She's either going to gravitate towards me and work with me to improve our relationship, her weight, her attitude, etc., or she's going to pull away and wallow in her poor self image and resent me for the way I feel. I don't see the status quo a part of our future.

And I'm not sure what to do if option #2 is the path she takes.

 
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case. Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
I wasn't there, but I suspect you may be overemphasizing how significant the talk was because it is still fresh so you think something big will happen. The most likely outcome, at least in my experience, is that things stay roughly the same.

 
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case. Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
What does that mean? She doesn't sound like she's going to be an agent for change if she's denying that she's unhappy, even if she is conceding here and there that some things in the marriage should be better. She sounds like she's fine with the status quo, and that's entirely in line with "blaming" you for the conversation, which it sounds like she is.
I mean that it was obvious her outlook on our relationship completely changed after last night. I could tell that the conversation was very impactful, one way or another.She's either going to gravitate towards me and work with me to improve our relationship, her weight, her attitude, etc., or she's going to pull away and wallow in her poor self image and resent me for the way I feel. I don't see the status quo a part of our future.

And I'm not sure what to do if option #2 is the path she takes.
You're forgetting about #3 -- wait a week or so, then act like the conversation never happened.

 
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case. Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
I wasn't there, but I suspect you may be overemphasizing how significant the talk was because it is still fresh so you think something big will happen. The most likely outcome, at least in my experience, is that things stay roughly the same.
Maybe.

But I've only ever felt this "vibe" from her one other time in our lives. It was pre-marriage when I broke up with her for being too clingy. We eventually worked it out and got back together when she promised to change and give me my appropriate space. She did change, and that was never again a problem.

 
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case. Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
I wasn't there, but I suspect you may be overemphasizing how significant the talk was because it is still fresh so you think something big will happen. The most likely outcome, at least in my experience, is that things stay roughly the same.
Maybe.

But I've only ever felt this "vibe" from her one other time in our lives. It was pre-marriage when I broke up with her for being too clingy. We eventually worked it out and got back together when she promised to change and give me my appropriate space. She did change, and that was never again a problem.
Seems like you'd like a little clinginess back.

 
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case. Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
I wasn't there, but I suspect you may be overemphasizing how significant the talk was because it is still fresh so you think something big will happen. The most likely outcome, at least in my experience, is that things stay roughly the same.
Well, things have gotten a little better in the past few weeks, sort of.

She actually wrote me a letter for me to read that next day... she wanted to try and convey her feelings in the absence of an emotional conversation. The letter basically just conveyed how hurt she was by the conversation we had, how it hurt for me to tell her I think she's hideous (never happened), and a bunch of other stuff pretty much focused on her.

We had a conversation the next night in which I calmly tried to correct some misconceptions from the previous conversation, and emphasized how important our relationship was, and how important I needed her to think our relationship was. In her letter she talked about how she pours everything into the kids and our family, etc., and I had to explain how our relationship HAS TO come first... if our relationship is #### then everything else is going to suffer.

So we talked for a while and things have been better in some ways. She's shown more affection. She's lost a little weight in the short term. We haven't had any real arguments since then and things have *generally* been better, relationship wise.

Long term I don't know. I still don't get the feeling that there's any more motivation on her part to lose weight, or to put more effort into her appearance, as part of a life change. She will likely just go on and off these fad diets and things as she always has. And after all our conversations I never really got the feeling that she thought this "problem" really had to do with her as much as it had to do with me. I really wanted her to just break down and say I'm sorry... I want to be the beautiful loving wife you married... I'll do everything in my power to do just that. But it didn't happen.

I think most people are right, if you are not willing to threaten a divorce, then you really have no leverage. Part of me wonders if the solution isn't just to find a piece of ### on the side. I don't want to be *that* guy, and anyone who knows me would never think I could be *that* guy, but I don't really like the other options right now.

Yes, I realize that is not a good idea. :topcat:

 
Create an anonymous e-mail account and send this picture to your wife every now and then. Make your e-mail look like a spam that is going out to numerous people.

 
Invaded? said:
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case. Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
I wasn't there, but I suspect you may be overemphasizing how significant the talk was because it is still fresh so you think something big will happen. The most likely outcome, at least in my experience, is that things stay roughly the same.
Well, things have gotten a little better in the past few weeks, sort of.

She actually wrote me a letter for me to read that next day... she wanted to try and convey her feelings in the absence of an emotional conversation. The letter basically just conveyed how hurt she was by the conversation we had, how it hurt for me to tell her I think she's hideous (never happened), and a bunch of other stuff pretty much focused on her.

We had a conversation the next night in which I calmly tried to correct some misconceptions from the previous conversation, and emphasized how important our relationship was, and how important I needed her to think our relationship was. In her letter she talked about how she pours everything into the kids and our family, etc., and I had to explain how our relationship HAS TO come first... if our relationship is #### then everything else is going to suffer.

So we talked for a while and things have been better in some ways. She's shown more affection. She's lost a little weight in the short term. We haven't had any real arguments since then and things have *generally* been better, relationship wise.

Long term I don't know. I still don't get the feeling that there's any more motivation on her part to lose weight, or to put more effort into her appearance, as part of a life change. She will likely just go on and off these fad diets and things as she always has. And after all our conversations I never really got the feeling that she thought this "problem" really had to do with her as much as it had to do with me. I really wanted her to just break down and say I'm sorry... I want to be the beautiful loving wife you married... I'll do everything in my power to do just that. But it didn't happen.

I think most people are right, if you are not willing to threaten a divorce, then you really have no leverage. Part of me wonders if the solution isn't just to find a piece of ### on the side. I don't want to be *that* guy, and anyone who knows me would never think I could be *that* guy, but I don't really like the other options right now.

Yes, I realize that is not a good idea. :topcat:
Tell her you need to leave for a few weeks.

Go somewhere and sort yourself out and decide what you want to do - tell her to do the same thing.

 
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Invaded? said:
She sounds passive aggressive, putting it all on you. You can't let that slide, otherwise you'll be just repeating what you did last year.
Well, from the vibe I got from her after our conversation, I don't think that's going to be the case. Either things are going to get better, or things are going to get WAY worse.
I wasn't there, but I suspect you may be overemphasizing how significant the talk was because it is still fresh so you think something big will happen. The most likely outcome, at least in my experience, is that things stay roughly the same.
Well, things have gotten a little better in the past few weeks, sort of.

She actually wrote me a letter for me to read that next day... she wanted to try and convey her feelings in the absence of an emotional conversation. The letter basically just conveyed how hurt she was by the conversation we had, how it hurt for me to tell her I think she's hideous (never happened), and a bunch of other stuff pretty much focused on her.

We had a conversation the next night in which I calmly tried to correct some misconceptions from the previous conversation, and emphasized how important our relationship was, and how important I needed her to think our relationship was. In her letter she talked about how she pours everything into the kids and our family, etc., and I had to explain how our relationship HAS TO come first... if our relationship is #### then everything else is going to suffer.

So we talked for a while and things have been better in some ways. She's shown more affection. She's lost a little weight in the short term. We haven't had any real arguments since then and things have *generally* been better, relationship wise.

Long term I don't know. I still don't get the feeling that there's any more motivation on her part to lose weight, or to put more effort into her appearance, as part of a life change. She will likely just go on and off these fad diets and things as she always has. And after all our conversations I never really got the feeling that she thought this "problem" really had to do with her as much as it had to do with me. I really wanted her to just break down and say I'm sorry... I want to be the beautiful loving wife you married... I'll do everything in my power to do just that. But it didn't happen.

I think most people are right, if you are not willing to threaten a divorce, then you really have no leverage. Part of me wonders if the solution isn't just to find a piece of ### on the side. I don't want to be *that* guy, and anyone who knows me would never think I could be *that* guy, but I don't really like the other options right now.

Yes, I realize that is not a good idea. :topcat:
Sorry, havn't read the whole thread, so not sure if this stuff has been covered. When I met my wife she was trying out for the Titan's cheerleaders and was a finalist. Fast forward 7 years. While pregnant she went from ~105 to just under 200 and being diagnosed with gestational diabetes. After our son was born she stayed around 150/160. A good 30-40 lbs overweight. Granted she didn't need to look THAT thin again (not that I would mind, she was smoking) but 120ish was probably about right.

We had a lot of the same conversations, and a lot of them went the same way. The only thing that helped was counseling. We found a very good counselor that saved our marriage. Mainly in the way that we had conversations when something was bothering us. He got her to admit that she had already perceived how the conversation was going to go, so that no matter what I said, she would hear it in the way that she had already made her mind up was going to happen. Then she could spin everything I said to support her initial thoughts. Getting over this barrier has done wonderful things for our relationship.

As far as the weight. I now do 90% of the cooking and we follow the Zone diet plan. After a few weeks of preparing all the meals she noticed that she had lost a few pounds and I had casually mentioned how I had decided to cut sugar out of my diet and thus changed the meals I made for both of us. After the first month she has lost about 10 lbs and is all in on the zone now that she has seen results unknowingly. We joined a coed flag football league, and run together twice a week. Before she started dieting she wouldn't run with me at all, said she felt fat and didn't like how she looked when running. Getting past this barrier was huge.

We've been doing the coed league + running for almost 2 months now and she's right around 135ish and starting to feel more comfortable doing athletic stuff again. She even decided to try out for the Titans cheerleaders again next year :D

Not sure if my story helps at all. But I tried for years to get her to diet/ exercise because it HAD ruined my sex drive towards her. I still loved her, but I wasn't physcially attracted anymore. And when the sex goes from a relationship a lot of other issues creep up. The only thing that really helped was finding a way to communicate and to slowly initiate change on your end with ways you can control until she notices the progress and then takes matters into her own hands.

Try to join a coed ultimate frisbee/flag football/soccer/basketball league. Just getting out once a week and doing something proactive helps.

Gluck man, hope that helps in some way.

 
Reading back over this thread a bit... sad how much my view on our marriage and life in general has changed.

I should have seen a lot of this coming, in retrospect.

 
Invaded? said:
I think most people are right, if you are not willing to threaten a divorce, then you really have no leverage. Part of me wonders if the solution isn't just to find a piece of ### on the side. I don't want to be *that* guy, and anyone who knows me would never think I could be *that* guy, but I don't really like the other options right now.

Yes, I realize that is not a good idea. :topcat:
I completely understand. I've thought about cheating pretty much every day for years, but I never have and hopefully never will. If your objective is to keep your marriage together for the kids or whatever reason, having an affair is a pretty good way to screw that up. You might get caught. Or even if you don't get caught, you might fall in love with somebody else and you'll voluntarily leave. Either way, the same reasons why you don't want to get divorced apply here.

Plus if you do it you're "that" guy. There are no good solutions to your problem. Sorry.

 
Reading back over this thread a bit... sad how much my view on our marriage and life in general has changed.

I should have seen a lot of this coming, in retrospect.
It's not always easy to look at your own situation objectively. I didn't really acknowledge the depth of my problems for a long time either.

 
My wife is at the point where she just doesn't care and isn't interested in changing. Only thing that would change her would be a drastic life event. Divorce or a health scare. I'm trying to get back into consistent exercise, but when your significant other doesn't care, it's a challenge. My kids need to see healthy habits in action, and it's going to have to come from me. I've tried to be positive, encouraging, etc. Doesn't matter. I've had the conversations that Invaded had, and nothing changed as Ray said. If I pushed further, things would not get better but worse. So, I'm resigned to being relatively unhappy in my marriage, balanced against pride in having great kids and being an integral part of their growth and development.

 
This thread is really depressing. Life is too short to be in a relationship that lacks any excitement whatsoever.

 
This thread is really depressing. Life is too short to be in a relationship that lacks any excitement whatsoever.
This is true. What memories will you take with you when you're on your death bed? That you have had no romantic feelings for the past 30 years, but at least you were in the house the same time as your kids? There's plenty of divorced dads who remain fully plugged into their kids lives. You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away.

 
This thread is really depressing. Life is too short to be in a relationship that lacks any excitement whatsoever.
This is true. What memories will you take with you when you're on your death bed? That you have had no romantic feelings for the past 30 years, but at least you were in the house the same time as your kids? There's plenty of divorced dads who remain fully plugged into their kids lives. You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away.
I think everyone strikes a balance between things they do for themselves and sacrifices they make for other people. I don't think it's unreasonable to give up some measure of your own happiness or fulfillment in an effort to improve other people's lives.

 
This thread is really depressing. Life is too short to be in a relationship that lacks any excitement whatsoever.
This is true. What memories will you take with you when you're on your death bed? That you have had no romantic feelings for the past 30 years, but at least you were in the house the same time as your kids? There's plenty of divorced dads who remain fully plugged into their kids lives. You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away.
I think everyone strikes a balance between things they do for themselves and sacrifices they make for other people. I don't think it's unreasonable to give up some measure of your own happiness or fulfillment in an effort to improve other people's lives.
Some measure? You're giving up one of the very things that makes us human and life so wonderful.

 
This thread is really depressing. Life is too short to be in a relationship that lacks any excitement whatsoever.
This is true. What memories will you take with you when you're on your death bed? That you have had no romantic feelings for the past 30 years, but at least you were in the house the same time as your kids? There's plenty of divorced dads who remain fully plugged into their kids lives. You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away.
I think everyone strikes a balance between things they do for themselves and sacrifices they make for other people. I don't think it's unreasonable to give up some measure of your own happiness or fulfillment in an effort to improve other people's lives.
Some measure? You're giving up one of the very things that makes us human and life so wonderful.
Yup, it can be a substantial sacrifice.

Would you think about the situation the same way if the OP's wife had become disfigured in a car accident, rather than merely gaining weight? Would he owe it to himself to leave his now-unattractive wife and his kids to seek his maximum possible happiness and fulfillment?

 
This thread is really depressing. Life is too short to be in a relationship that lacks any excitement whatsoever.
This is true. What memories will you take with you when you're on your death bed? That you have had no romantic feelings for the past 30 years, but at least you were in the house the same time as your kids? There's plenty of divorced dads who remain fully plugged into their kids lives. You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away.
I think everyone strikes a balance between things they do for themselves and sacrifices they make for other people. I don't think it's unreasonable to give up some measure of your own happiness or fulfillment in an effort to improve other people's lives.
Some measure? You're giving up one of the very things that makes us human and life so wonderful.
Yup, it can be a substantial sacrifice.

Would you think about the situation the same way if the OP's wife had become disfigured in a car accident, rather than merely gaining weight? Would he owe it to himself to leave his now-unattractive wife and his kids to seek his maximum possible happiness and fulfillment?
Horrible analogy.

 
I have a lot of respect for a guy who stays with a good woman who has let herself go. Shows a lot of character. Can't be easy though, and I would imagine if she let herself go physically, she has probably changed for the worse in other areas (attitude, health, fun etc).

 
Would you think about the situation the same way if the OP's wife had become disfigured in a car accident, rather than merely gaining weight? Would he owe it to himself to leave his now-unattractive wife and his kids to seek his maximum possible happiness and fulfillment?
Horrible analogy.
I'm not saying the situations are identical, I'm just asking if the same principle applies. James Daulton said "You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away." Seems like the statement would be equally applicable to a wife that suffered from a debilitating injury or disease.

 
Would you think about the situation the same way if the OP's wife had become disfigured in a car accident, rather than merely gaining weight? Would he owe it to himself to leave his now-unattractive wife and his kids to seek his maximum possible happiness and fulfillment?
Horrible analogy.
I'm not saying the situations are identical, I'm just asking if the same principle applies. James Daulton said "You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away." Seems like the statement would be equally applicable to a wife that suffered from a debilitating injury or disease.
You can't seriously believe this, right?

 
I have a lot of respect for a guy who stays with a good woman who has let herself go. Shows a lot of character. Can't be easy though, and I would imagine if she let herself go physically, she has probably changed for the worse in other areas (attitude, health, fun etc).
The reverse works also though. I see men with smoking hot women who have no intention of marrying, but instead enjoy the world.

 
Would you think about the situation the same way if the OP's wife had become disfigured in a car accident, rather than merely gaining weight? Would he owe it to himself to leave his now-unattractive wife and his kids to seek his maximum possible happiness and fulfillment?
Horrible analogy.
I'm not saying the situations are identical, I'm just asking if the same principle applies. James Daulton said "You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away." Seems like the statement would be equally applicable to a wife that suffered from a debilitating injury or disease.
You can't seriously believe this, right?
Believe what? That I'm not sure what James Daulton's position is?

 
Would you think about the situation the same way if the OP's wife had become disfigured in a car accident, rather than merely gaining weight? Would he owe it to himself to leave his now-unattractive wife and his kids to seek his maximum possible happiness and fulfillment?
Horrible analogy.
I'm not saying the situations are identical, I'm just asking if the same principle applies. James Daulton said "You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away." Seems like the statement would be equally applicable to a wife that suffered from a debilitating injury or disease.
Not even remotely the same, but in the situation you describe, I would assume there's still love between the two. In the situation the OP is describing, it sounds like the love and interest has been lost (at least from her end).

 
I'm not saying the situations are identical, I'm just asking if the same principle applies. James Daulton said "You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away." Seems like the statement would be equally applicable to a wife that suffered from a debilitating injury or disease.
Not even remotely the same, but in the situation you describe, I would assume there's still love between the two. In the situation the OP is describing, it sounds like the love and interest has been lost (at least from her end).
This seems like a weaselly answer. Even if the husband and wife in the hypo still have feelings of love for one another, surely the husband could have a happier and more fulfilling life by leaving her and finding love with a woman that was not disfigured or sick. Does he owe it to himself to do so?

And I don't read the OP as saying his wife doesn't love him. Not sure where you're getting that.

 
Yea

Surprised nobody has brought this up. It's all over facebook and the twitters.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2461752/Exercise-loving-mom-Maria-Kang-branded-bully.html
I've heard lots of conversation about this. The most common argument I've heard (and one folks here parrot) is that people with kids simply do not have the time to get in shape. The time would have to come from their family or hobby and people do not want to make that trade. I don't agree with that but it's tough to argue since we have no idea how everyone spends their time. I will say that just eating healthy and in moderation would accomplish work wonders for people.

 
I'm not saying the situations are identical, I'm just asking if the same principle applies. James Daulton said "You owe it to yourself to make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Your partner is supposed to enhance this, not take it away." Seems like the statement would be equally applicable to a wife that suffered from a debilitating injury or disease.
Not even remotely the same, but in the situation you describe, I would assume there's still love between the two. In the situation the OP is describing, it sounds like the love and interest has been lost (at least from her end).
This seems like a weaselly answer. Even if the husband and wife in the hypo still have feelings of love for one another, surely the husband could have a happier and more fulfilling life by leaving her and finding love with a woman that was not disfigured or sick. Does he owe it to himself to do so?

And I don't read the OP as saying his wife doesn't love him. Not sure where you're getting that.
Ok.

 
unfortunately for a lot of people, nothing will drive them to take action until something bad happens....like a heart attack for example. Sounds extreme I know, but it's true. Hopefully it won't come to that. Lots of people need that "oh ####" moment for them to finally take action and lose weight.

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