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johnjohn

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It's amazing how quickly you can go from happiness to utter depression. The worst part is it's never something you see coming. It's always something out of the blue. Totally unexpected.

As someone that has suffered and done lots of reading I am not sure I agree with this. Most depression does not spring out of nowhere but is more a result of years and years of creating the appropriate neural pathways and subsequent chemicals required for depression.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/what-causes-depression.htm

So while most people (including myself) would say they didn't see it coming - it's only because we chose not to see it coming. we have been forming the proper neural pathways for decades before it sets in.

I think everyone is different. People who battle depression live with depression even when things are good. They learn to put it away and not let it out. But all it takes is one small thing to bring it back out. That's what I'm saying. I suffer from depression but have been able to keep in under wraps for most of my life.

What I am saying is it's amazing how it only takes one small thing to let that depression come unleashed and work it's way to the forefront of every thought in your head.

It's a very fragile balancing act, I agree; the strangest, smallest things can tip me pretty sharply one way or the other, despite having been in a good place for a long time.

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The triggers are very real. My anxiety is triggered by insomnia. Everything could be going great and then I cant sleep one night and I'll start panicking that it'll continue into future nights and I'll be nodding off at work, eventually get fired, etc.

When I'm not feeling anxious, those thoughts sound like the most irrational, stupidest thoughts ever, but it's very real when it triggers.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Depression and anxiety go hand in hand. If there is one, the other is present to some degree.

Lots of people say that depression is really just anxiety turned at yourself. Both conditions start in your amygdala and your old original reptilian brain. I had struggled with severe depression and terrible anxiety after my brother died young. Until that point I would say I lived a very shallow existence...when I look back I can see that the build blocks were all there and it took my brother to push me over the edge. That being said after 5 years of the lows and not knowing what to do I picked up this book and I can now say I am free of both...

http://www.amazon.com/Full-Catastrophe-Living-Revised-Edition/dp/0345536932/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1407874592&sr=8-1&keywords=full+catastrophe+living

It was a shorter road than I thought of. But with the science of neuroplasticity evolving all I can tell anyone suffering is that it's really not you - it's the way your neurons are wired and you can change that. Spend as much time working on your brain as you do your body or dinner or anything else and It will change your life.

This may be true for many people, but there are some that are so far gone so to speak that no book, therapy, meds help. I've been dealing with a cousin for a few years now that is in this boat. She just got approved for social security disability which is very hard to get. It's not always that simple. It can be so different with people. Some folks look like from their lives and history that it's a wonder they aren't locked up and others who you are like wtf is wrong with you, are struggling bad.

But of course, anyone struggling should try books, therapy, meds, whatever to get better. But not everyone does..

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Anyone taking or have taken buspar for anxiety? My physician has me on this and I dont feel it works all that well. In fact, I sort of feel like it does the opposite. Just curious if anyone else has had any experience with this drug.

This is one of the meds my cousin is taking for her severe anxiety combined with Celexa. She's been on it since April and they even upped the dose. Nothing much works with her anyway, and this is one of them. Buspar on it's own doesn't do a whole lot. It's designed to boost (hence the name) another med. She's tried so many things that getting her to try something else is becoming not an option.

If it's not working or worse, making it worse, then tell your doc and stop it. If I'm not mistaken, there are no side effects for stopping cold turkey on this one but of course, double check that.

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It's amazing how quickly you can go from happiness to utter depression. The worst part is it's never something you see coming. It's always something out of the blue. Totally unexpected.

As someone that has suffered and done lots of reading I am not sure I agree with this. Most depression does not spring out of nowhere but is more a result of years and years of creating the appropriate neural pathways and subsequent chemicals required for depression.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/what-causes-depression.htm

So while most people (including myself) would say they didn't see it coming - it's only because we chose not to see it coming. we have been forming the proper neural pathways for decades before it sets in.

I think everyone is different. People who battle depression live with depression even when things are good. They learn to put it away and not let it out. But all it takes is one small thing to bring it back out. That's what I'm saying. I suffer from depression but have been able to keep in under wraps for most of my life.

What I am saying is it's amazing how it only takes one small thing to let that depression come unleashed and work it's way to the forefront of every thought in your head.

Dysthymia is one who is always feeling low all the time, never feels any twinge of happiness. If you have this combined with major depression, you are pretty much hosed. I really believe my cousin in which I am now the caregiver of has both of this along with her severe generalized anxiety which keeps her homebound unless I drag her out to her dr appt.

It's amazing. As much as I know about this stuff and see if with my own eyes for years especially with her, she didn't flinch when she got her social security award letter. I mean she's under 50, mental stuff alone is near impossible to get and at the initial application to boot, and she did. Not even a cracked smile. I mean it makes no difference in her affect if you relieve her financial woes and give her a million dollars or not. She's getting more than most people do and will be ok, big relief, but you would think you told her someone close died. And the anxiety is always there. The doc doesn't even suggest therapy any more as she's done it all and is too far gone to grasp much. She can barely take care of herself, and it's been this extreme for about 3 years now. She'll never be happy, never work again, so we just work with the meds and try and keep her stable.

But if an additional bad news happens, I fear what could happen... It is walking a fine line once you fall that far down. I remember when she was hospitalized. Since she's in her 40s people assumed she's been there before. One person asked her how many times she's been there. I was like huh? EVERYONE her age or older had been there more than once. And that's the statistic. Very easy to slide even when you feel fine and maybe even happy once you've gone down that far...

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Anyone taking or have taken buspar for anxiety? My physician has me on this and I dont feel it works all that well. In fact, I sort of feel like it does the opposite. Just curious if anyone else has had any experience with this drug.

This is one of the meds my cousin is taking for her severe anxiety, combined with Celexa. She's been on it since April and they even upped the dose. Nothing much works with her anyway, and this is one of them. Buspar on it's own doesn't do a whole lot. It's designed to boost (hence the name) another med. She's tried so many things that getting her to try something else is becoming not an option.

If it's not working or worse, making it worse, then tell your doc and stop it. If I'm not mistaken, there are no side effects for stopping cold turkey on this one but of course, double check that. Buspar effects don't take as long to work if it's going to as Celexa and the like. We were told a week or two. Then the dose was raised and told a couple weeks to see something if anything is going to happen and nada. So I'm sure soon she's going to say no more... :/

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The triggers are very real. My anxiety is triggered by insomnia. Everything could be going great and then I cant sleep one night and I'll start panicking that it'll continue into future nights and I'll be nodding off at work, eventually get fired, etc.

When I'm not feeling anxious, those thoughts sound like the most irrational, stupidest thoughts ever, but it's very real when it triggers.

This one hits VERY close to home. Back in 2007, I ran into major anxiety and insomnia out of the blue. Not sure which was first but the insomnia and anxiety fed off of each other reaching the point where I was never sleeping, constantly anxious - but never tired. Doc couldn't figure it out so I became more and more desperate. Tried everything under the sun from OTC sleep aids, homeopathic remedies, courses on line, counseling...nothing was working. Got to the point where I was convinced that the lack of sleep was going to kill me - which caused even greater anxiety as I began to dwell on all the things I would miss out on in my kid's lives. Started thinking thoughts like if I was going to die anyway, why not make sure it would be in a way that would still provide benefits to the family. Like if I was driving just accidentally swerve into a piling, etc. The low point came in early summer, when I went through a period of 8 + days of no sleep - mind you I do not drink, never have done drugs - but it was like the stories you hear about addicts going on weeks long binges with no sleep. Well, I finally admitted to my spouse that I was having suicidal thoughts and wound up in a psych ward. Sucked....but by pure chance after I was discharged I wound up running into a PA when my regular GP was out of the office and she had done studies on Cyclothymia. Eventually that turned out to be the correct diagnosis and began treatment.

Something you might want to bring up to your doc. It is a disease that is cyclical and manifests (at least in my case) as chronic insomnia, manic states with no accompanying depressive states. Where it becomes difficult is if you have any addictive things like gambling, drugs or alcohol, because in those manic states those things can be exacerbated. I was fortunate that "all" I had to deal with was the anxiety and ridiculous insomnia - but with treatment and ongoing recognition of the signs that a cycle is approaching it is manageable and has led to a high quality of living.

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The triggers are very real. My anxiety is triggered by insomnia. Everything could be going great and then I cant sleep one night and I'll start panicking that it'll continue into future nights and I'll be nodding off at work, eventually get fired, etc.

When I'm not feeling anxious, those thoughts sound like the most irrational, stupidest thoughts ever, but it's very real when it triggers.

This one hits VERY close to home. Back in 2007, I ran into major anxiety and insomnia out of the blue. Not sure which was first but the insomnia and anxiety fed off of each other reaching the point where I was never sleeping, constantly anxious - but never tired. Doc couldn't figure it out so I became more and more desperate. Tried everything under the sun from OTC sleep aids, homeopathic remedies, courses on line, counseling...nothing was working. Got to the point where I was convinced that the lack of sleep was going to kill me - which caused even greater anxiety as I began to dwell on all the things I would miss out on in my kid's lives. Started thinking thoughts like if I was going to die anyway, why not make sure it would be in a way that would still provide benefits to the family. Like if I was driving just accidentally swerve into a piling, etc. The low point came in early summer, when I went through a period of 8 + days of no sleep - mind you I do not drink, never have done drugs - but it was like the stories you hear about addicts going on weeks long binges with no sleep. Well, I finally admitted to my spouse that I was having suicidal thoughts and wound up in a psych ward. Sucked....but by pure chance after I was discharged I wound up running into a PA when my regular GP was out of the office and she had done studies on Cyclothymia. Eventually that turned out to be the correct diagnosis and began treatment.

Something you might want to bring up to your doc. It is a disease that is cyclical and manifests (at least in my case) as chronic insomnia, manic states with no accompanying depressive states. Where it becomes difficult is if you have any addictive things like gambling, drugs or alcohol, because in those manic states those things can be exacerbated. I was fortunate that "all" I had to deal with was the anxiety and ridiculous insomnia - but with treatment and ongoing recognition of the signs that a cycle is approaching it is manageable and has led to a high quality of living.

Glad to hear you found some help.
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  • 2 months later...

I don't remember where I read it, but I always thought an interesting way to go would be to glue your hand to your head and then hang yourself with piano wire.

It'd end up looking like you pulled your own head off.

Probably not the best idea for an open casket funeral though.

Edited by Gawain
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  • 2 weeks later...

Coming up on a year since my suicide attempt. It's been an amazing year for me. I have gone through a ton of therapy, drug changes, and no alcohol. I now have my own condo and have made tremendous strides in my personal and professional life. I would have never dreamed any of this a year ago. If anyone is feeling hopeless, all I can say is that there is help out there and your life can be turned around.

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Whoa. My health insurance stopped paying for my meds a couple weeks ago... Long story there I've got the MA Division of Insurance working on with BCBS of MA.... But damn... Things got so rough around the house here my wife finally said SHE would pay for the meds out of pocket!

Went to CVS tonight and played a vm from my doctor regarding the issue... I think they wound up giving me the same price they charge BCBS (about 1/3 of the normal out-of-pocket price sans insurance). :thumbup:

And yeah, thoughts of suicide were pretty constant over the past week or so. I hope getting back on the meds gets me back to my version of normal quickly. Phew.

Edited by johnnycakes
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I don't remember where I read it, but I always thought an interesting way to go would be to glue your hand to your head and then hang yourself with piano wire.

It'd end up looking like you pulled your own head off.

Probably not the best idea for an open casket funeral though.

Dude

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Whoa. My health insurance stopped paying for my meds a couple weeks ago... Long story there I've got the MA Division of Insurance working on with BCBS of MA.... But damn... Things got so rough around the house here my wife finally said SHE would pay for the meds out of pocket!

Went to CVS tonight and played a vm from my doctor regarding the issue... I think they wound up giving me the same price they charge BCBS (about 1/3 of the normal out-of-pocket price sans insurance). :thumbup:

And yeah, thoughts of suicide were pretty constant over the past week or so. I hope getting back on the meds gets me back to my version of normal quickly. Phew.

Best wishes, I feel for you. I've gone off my anti-depressants and switched types a few times. I've had some rough withdrawals and a really awful time one time when I switched. It can be tough on you and the people around you.
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Whoa. My health insurance stopped paying for my meds a couple weeks ago... Long story there I've got the MA Division of Insurance working on with BCBS of MA.... But damn... Things got so rough around the house here my wife finally said SHE would pay for the meds out of pocket!

Went to CVS tonight and played a vm from my doctor regarding the issue... I think they wound up giving me the same price they charge BCBS (about 1/3 of the normal out-of-pocket price sans insurance). :thumbup:

And yeah, thoughts of suicide were pretty constant over the past week or so. I hope getting back on the meds gets me back to my version of normal quickly. Phew.

Sounds like you should not go off your meds as well as the poster above mine. Check out sites like GoodRx.com to find great discounts on rx meds.

Edited by CurlyNight
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Whoa. My health insurance stopped paying for my meds a couple weeks ago... Long story there I've got the MA Division of Insurance working on with BCBS of MA.... But damn... Things got so rough around the house here my wife finally said SHE would pay for the meds out of pocket!

Went to CVS tonight and played a vm from my doctor regarding the issue... I think they wound up giving me the same price they charge BCBS (about 1/3 of the normal out-of-pocket price sans insurance). :thumbup:

And yeah, thoughts of suicide were pretty constant over the past week or so. I hope getting back on the meds gets me back to my version of normal quickly. Phew.

Sounds like you should not go off your meds as well as the poster above mine. Check out sites like GoodRx.com to find great discounts on rx meds.

Now I know what that pharmacist did... he came back with a handheld device, told me how much he would charge me this time... then told me the cheapest places nearby would be Target or Walgreen's. The price GoodRx listed for CVS is the exact same price he charged me and the prices he gave me for Target and Walgreens are exactly as shown there. Harumph. I never heard of that before. :thumbup:

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  • 3 weeks later...

So, last Christmas Day, around 1pm, I took a Sig Sauer P226 loaded with .357sig jacketed hollow point ammo, walked out to a tree in the back yard, racked the gun, put it in my mouth, and with 4.5lbs of pressure, pulled the trigger. My wife apparently followed me out there and just as the gun discharged, she pulled it up... the bullet went just over my head and into the tree behind me. I didn't know if I was dead or not for a second or two. The sound it made was like a jet airplane for several seconds the way it echoed into the distance. While I was figuring out whether I was dead or not, she took the gun out of my hands and ran towards the house and threw it under a bush.

After I realized I wasn't dead, I went back into the house, and tried to open one of two gun safes to get the P220 chambered in .45 ammo. The biometric lock was dead... and I couldn't find the key before the police came.

Got arrested for illegal discharge of a firearm (and assault & battery on my wife, which was TOBO as I never assaulted her; she was climbing all over my back trying to prevent me from opening the safe) and was held at Billerica House of Correction (essentially solitary confinement... no clothes, no showers, no visitors, no phone calls, no amenities of any sort) on a Section 58A deal because the judge felt there was probable cause I was dangerous at least to myself.

Today we had the dangerousness hearing and I was thankfully discharged to go to the hospital for an evaluation. They determined I was not a danger to myself anymore and got sent home on numerous conditions, including I take my meds as prescribed (I had reduced dosage because BC/BS quit paying for it) and call the shrink tomorrow for an appointment.

Hearing loss in both ears. Loss of LTC. Firearms & ammo confiscated.

Merry effing Christmas.

Please do not quote this post in case I decide to delete it later on. In fact, I probably will delete it because of the personal nature of the thing.

Edited by johnnycakes
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Wow. That post may be shtick but it sure doesn't sound like it.

I'm glad you didn't succeed, and I hope you get more help. However unhappy your life is, however depressed you are, there's always hope. I wish you well in the New year.

No schtick. This really happened.

When you're truly hopeless... there is no hope. It's not rational.

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Man, I thought you were saying what happened LAST Christmas, thinking 2013. This happened last week?

I just don't know what to say amigo. Wish I did. I know I'd be all over the insurance company in a big way, especially if meds keep you from going to the dark side, or at least acting on those thoughts.

Best wishes that you get the meds/help you need. Thankful your wife intervened. Take care.

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Wow. That post may be shtick but it sure doesn't sound like it.

I'm glad you didn't succeed, and I hope you get more help. However unhappy your life is, however depressed you are, there's always hope. I wish you well in the New year.

No schtick. This really happened.

When you're truly hopeless... there is no hope. It's not rational.

Johnnycakes, I am sorry you had a bad Christmas day but I am very glad you're still here.

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You've talked a lot about how great your wife is but this one wins the day. Glad to hear you had her for your support system and glad to hear you're ok. It sucks that your insurance wasn't paying for whatever reason but i think the big takeaway here is that there are a lot of things you can skimp on but your meds probably aren't one of them. You might choose to delete the post and i wouldn't blame you but you might also want to find a way up keep this night in your memory as a reminder of how important it is for you to stay in control of your own thoughts.

A lot of people backslide off of their medication and then convince themselves they don't need it. You are really fortunate to have a second chance here and to realize that's just not a safe option for you.

Glad to still have you around.

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Not a chance in hell this happened this way.

I agree but didn't quote it because he asked us not to. You should delete.
Of course I omitted a lot of details, but there was nothing I posted that was factually inaccurate.

As far as whether anyone believes me or not... Well, I try to remember that is not my problem.

But if someone thinks I would make up such a story... Such a person truly is not my friend

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Also, proud of you for being able to share that so soon after the fact. Self awareness and accountability are a really important part of the healing process. Be good to yourself and your wife for a while here and focus on your new lease on life. Hope it's a long and healthy one.

Spent Thursday night at the police station, then court on Friday, then to Billerica Fridsy night when they immediately put me in the infirmary in a "risk" room. 'Risk 1" were the words on the outside of the door. That's really solitary confinement but in a way that I could be monitored 24/7. By Monday night they moved me from "risk" to "isolation" which was very similar but the room itself was not quite as safe (for example it had an electrical outlet).

When they moved me I asked the CO if this was a good thing or a bad thing. "We need the room for a guy who likes to eat plastics and ####" was the answer I got.

So I knew then they saw me as less of a risk than on Friday.

Anyhow, I had many hours to do nothing else but reflect on how I got to such a low point. Basically two components: depression that had become much worse (another story in itself) combined with a tremendous amount of self-loathing.

And yeah, really do not appreciate posters who would say the story is not real. Knowing that would be a likely response in the FFA was why I said I would likely delete later on.

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Sorry to hear about everything, JC. Hang in there.

If work is stressing you out, quit. You mentioned in another thread about having a huge house. Sell it. Buy a smaller place and just chill for a bit. Think about things. Take your wife on a long vacation. Just breathe and enjoy life.

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And I thought I had it bad being stuck at my MIL's house for christmas.

Hang in there, gb Cakes- you're good people. lots of folk here and at home who care about you. I hope you find a happier balance soon, but promise that we'll all be here for you if not.

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During my recent trip to the lockup, our household nanny canceled my New Year's plans. She meant well and she had no way of knowing if I would be out in time to go tonight, but I am.

So, fwiw, my wife and I will have a bit of New Year's celebration tonight.

We're staying at the Fairmont Copley Plaza (my personal fave in Boston... yeah, the Four Seasons may get rated better by the expurts but Copley Plaza has an old world charm the Four Seasons just doesn't have) in a one-bedroom suite tonight, valet parking and all. Early dinner at the 6pm seating at the Oak Room. Probably walk first night for a bit, then we go to the BSO's New Year's Eve concert. The concert itself is usually ok, but the real fun starts after the concert when they clear out most of the tables and chairs after the concert and the Pops plays swing music for dancing until about 2am.

I was looking forward to going to this all weekend long.

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JC--Ignore the haters and continue to get the help you need, friend.

What Chet said. And know that the FFA really has relatively few true haters compared to other boards- at least based on my humble experience. Know that we're pulling for you.

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