Suicide (1 Viewer)

-arcK- said:

What you said here in bold sounds eerily familiar. Another anxiety trigger for me, as dumb as it sounds, is finding parking in an area I'm unfamiliar with. I've missed events, even some important ones, because I've freaked out over not being able to figure out where to park. Man, I know, that is so stupid and childish...

Was talking to a buddy about what's been going on lately and he suggested that I'm depressed. In my mind, I'm thinking: "how? I've been suicidal before, I've wanted to die, and I've been way past that for many years. I'm so far away from that feeling now that I can't possibly be suffering from depression, because I truly know what it's like to be rock-bottom..."

I'm an infrequent poster so I doubt anyone remembers, but I posted on this board many years ago (I think maybe even in this very thread?) about how I wanted to kill myself. Seems like a lifetime ago. But what I'm learning is depression isn't a happy/sad thing. There's apparently a lot more to it than. It feels weird to say but it seems one can feel joy and contentment in their lives but still be depressed.

You mentioned you have a history of depression, and if you don't mind me asking, how has it evolved over the years? Does it disappear, re-emerge? Or always there, right under the surface, even during all the good times?

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CurlyNight said:

With depression is always anxiety. Yours sounds pretty paralysing. I recommend finding a psychiatrist as well, you may need meds to at least help break the wall. Doesn't mean you're on for life but in such severe cases as yours, I have yet to hear of someone never have needed meds at least for awhile.

As for a therapist, look up therapists in your area. Most have their specialties listed. You look for addictions, depression and anxiety. Also look for cognitive behavioral therapy or ask about it when you call. CBT is the most effective therapy for changing behavior and getting you out of a place of despair and fear. This is a must. Finding your triggers and learning how to change your thinking is key. You have a dual diagnosis in psych speak. Addiction and anxiety/depression, both which need to be tackled together. Good luck. Wish you well. This is a great new year resolution to shoot for.. xxx

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-arcK- said:

What you said here in bold sounds eerily familiar. Another anxiety trigger for me, as dumb as it sounds, is finding parking in an area I'm unfamiliar with. I've missed events, even some important ones, because I've freaked out over not being able to figure out where to park. Man, I know, that is so stupid and childish...

Was talking to a buddy about what's been going on lately and he suggested that I'm depressed. In my mind, I'm thinking: "how? I've been suicidal before, I've wanted to die, and I've been way past that for many years. I'm so far away from that feeling now that I can't possibly be suffering from depression, because I truly know what it's like to be rock-bottom..."

I'm an infrequent poster so I doubt anyone remembers, but I posted on this board many years ago (I think maybe even in this very thread?) about how I wanted to kill myself. Seems like a lifetime ago. But what I'm learning is depression isn't a happy/sad thing. There's apparently a lot more to it than. It feels weird to say but it seems one can feel joy and contentment in their lives but still be depressed.

You mentioned you have a history of depression, and if you don't mind me asking, how has it evolved over the years? Does it disappear, re-emerge? Or always there, right under the surface, even during all the good times?

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-arcK- said:

On one hand, the idea that I'm actually depressed is starting to make me sad, because I actually thought I was happy. Dang. I guess I'm realizing that this whole time I've been medicating my anxiety with beer.

On the other hand, I looked up the behavioral therapy you mentioned and it sounds promising. Seems like I have a lot to learn about what depression really is.

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-arcK- said:

On one hand, the idea that I'm actually depressed is starting to make me sad, because I actually thought I was happy. Dang. I guess I'm realizing that this whole time I've been medicating my anxiety with beer.

On the other hand, I looked up the behavioral therapy you mentioned and it sounds promising. Seems like I have a lot to learn about what depression really is.

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El Floppo said:

Snap out of it!

-signed, people who dont suffer from depression and can't/won't empathize.

Honestly, for me at least, every baby step I take towards helping myself takes me away from the anxiety/depression. 

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CurlyNight said:

Depression causes anxiety, anxiety causes depression...just 1 is perceived greater than the other. Depression/anxiety is very common. Evrryone has at least a little bit. Life. Many look happy on the outside but are not on the inside. This is where addictions come from. They make you numb or feel better for a little while so you keep doing it. It never solves anything. It's like putting a band aid over something that needs surgery. Do you have family, support people? Even if you do AA becomes just that to many. Support is important to have aside from us here.

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El Floppo said:

Yeah...depression isn't just "something bad happened and I feel bad about it", it can be a chemical inbalance in your brain, body, genetic predisposition, medical reaction, environmental or something else. This is why you want to see a Dr, stat. Ime, talk therapy is also a good way of getting into the triggers and/or cause, especially before jumping into ant-depress meds.

For me, it's a combo of anxiety and depression. Often when doing something that's new (from tiny things like calling a new Dr to major life/work things), I feel an anxiety over doing it "wrong", which freezes me. An acute sense of perfectionism ties into it where I don't just want to do things "good enough", I have to make the Taj Mahal out of everything. The freezing/paralysis can build on itself, and even though I'm aware that I'm smart, capable and talented at the things in my life,   the feeling of hopelessness/depression is always right there under the surface tied into the anxiety and sinking me deeper and deeper, particularly if I don't find forward progress. 

Historically this played out as finishing things late or not at all- getting stuck on something and instead of just doing it, cycling around and around it endlessly trying to figure out the "best" option. This has showed up everywhere in my life and severely limited or sunk opportunities- some of which have been potentially life-changing. I've even recently noticed that my day-dream/fantasies are all based in history- doing previous things differently/better...not thinking about doing something new in the future.

I used to see a therapist, and that was a big help. At one particularly low point I tried anti-depression meds...not sure if they or just energy from having the impetus to try them helped more, but I got out of that hole and I would never discourage trying anything.

While I still suffer from all of this more than I'd like and feel like I'm a fraud and whatever I do is going to the wrong or not best choice, having kids and losing a previous small financial cushion have been big for me to try harder at "just getting it done" for the parts of my life where there aren't any other options...primarily work/finance related.

Dunno if that helps? I'm happy to discuss anything further 

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-arcK- said:

Those perfectionist and procrastination issues are very relatable to me. So many things I've never done because if I tried it wouldn't end up perfect. And also the thinking/obsessing over situations where I should have done such and such instead. I occasionally beat myself up over things other people probably don't even remember. I think there's some truth in what Wikkid said about taking things personal in life. Everything seems to be personal to me. Sigh.

I don't know know if this is a factor for other people with anxiety, but I also suspect I'm on the Autism spectrum. When I was in school it might have existed as a concept, but it certainly wasn't talked about or tested for. I work in a school district now and over the years I've talked with special ed diagnosticians who have told me that, based on what I've shared with them, it's likely I'm a "high functioning autistic person". That would explain why math, science, technology always made sense to me but navigating social circles was a nightmare. Looking back, I don't think it was until my career finally got rolling in my early 30s where I really started building confidence in myself and became capable of talking with people.

So I guess it seems I've made a lot of improvements on my own, but apparently it's not enough. Going to have to find a professional to talk with. Although that idea is already setting off my anxiety.

But I should look on the bright side... I still very much want to live. I've had no suicidal thoughts for at least... 10 years or more? That's something to feel good about. Also, normally I would have had some beer while watching the national championship game last night. But I didn't. I suppose I should be encouraged by that.

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-arcK- said:

my body was telling me that drinking was ruining my sleep and adding to my gut. So I've started cutting back and it could be that's why my stress level is wreaking havoc unchecked.

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Nearly 11% of adults said they had seriously considered suicide in the previous 30 days as the coronavirus pandemic takes a toll on Americans’ mental health, according to data released Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

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johnnycakes said:

From today's WSJ

Stay healthy, FBGs.  This too shall pass!  

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stbugs said:

Geez, that’s a lot of freaking people although I will say I don’t know what the normal number is. I do know we need to get back to normal. This isn’t good for anyone the way it is. I know there’s risks but I can only imagine for people already on the edge. I’m not worried about myself or my family as we luckily don’t have a history of mental illness in our families but I know it hasn’t been a fun time so I can’t fathom people not doing well before this started.

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