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Suicide


johnjohn

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Before someone commits suicide they should youtube some videos of people who tried to kill themselves, spent some time in hell only to be recesitated. Needless to say they are no longer "unbelievers". I am sure the smug athiest will get a kick out of this post but its pretty compelling stuff.. Jus sayin....

Im a smug atheist

Links please?

Youtube is blocked at my work so i cant shoot you links. Just type in "near death experiences" or "heaven and hell" and you will get plenty interesting videos..

Im assuming these are testimonies. I have heard people describe people seeing many different things while dead

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I tried to commit suicide about a month ago. I took 35 10mg ambien, 55 .5 Klonopin pills and washed it down with 22 bears and a glass of scotch. I was found unresponsive and not breathing. Obviously I was saved and Im thankful for that. I have two great kids and thats what hurts me the most. Im thankful I have a 2nd chance. What I can tell this board is that depression, especially severe, is a #####. I was not thinking straight obviously, but at the time I didnt feel like it would be a big deal if I died. I have dealt with depression for basically my whole life. My mother committed suicide when I was 11 years old. I was not afforded any counseling whatsoever after she did that. It was 1975 and I guess the times were different. You cant go through something like that and not be severely affected by it. Anyway, thats my story to add.

Glad to hear you made it and are thankful for a second chance. Hoping you find the support you need to keep you strong one day at a time. God Bless.

Thank you Curly, appreciated.

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I tried to commit suicide about a month ago. I took 35 10mg ambien, 55 .5 Klonopin pills and washed it down with 22 bears and a glass of scotch. I was found unresponsive and not breathing. Obviously I was saved and Im thankful for that. I have two great kids and thats what hurts me the most. Im thankful I have a 2nd chance. What I can tell this board is that depression, especially severe, is a #####. I was not thinking straight obviously, but at the time I didnt feel like it would be a big deal if I died. I have dealt with depression for basically my whole life. My mother committed suicide when I was 11 years old. I was not afforded any counseling whatsoever after she did that. It was 1975 and I guess the times were different. You cant go through something like that and not be severely affected by it. Anyway, thats my story to add.

Hey johnnymac, glad you are still around...And a :hifive: to a fellow survivor.

I am guessing you are getting therapy?

I will PM you with my info if you want to talk sometime

Thank you Mojo, I appreciate that. Yes, I am getting therapy now. I have had 3 visits with a therapist and one with a psychiatrist. It seems the psych docs dont do much therapy anymore. They are the ones who prescribe the drugs. At least that is the way I am seeing it.

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I dealt with depression for many years. After long struggles I got on medication and started seeing a psychologist. The medications have helped tremendously. The counseling, not so much. Essentially I felt like it made me focus on issues rather than accept myself for who I am.

After maybe two-three years of visits, I stopped seeing her.

What then also happened was a need to find a focus - something that mattered to me, that I could try to pay attention to, and focus on. Three things fit that - first and foremost, my kids happiness and success. Secondly, making my wife happy. Finally, providing for them - by putting in a full effort at work.

Happily, this has all been successful. My kids and I are closer than ever. My success at work is far beyond anything I've ever known. And because of these, my relationship with my wife has improved immensely. She feels valued and happy.

While I focus on providing for everyone else, I stopped focusing on my issues. I'm no longer part of the equation. My life has value by providing others happiness. There's no concern for me, but for those around me.

I'm not saying it's for everyone, but for me, finding a reason to wake up has made all the difference. I wish everyone the best - there's no easy answer, regardless.

Edited by ChopMeat
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I dealt with depression for many years. After long struggles I got on medication and started seeing a psychologist. The medications have helped tremendously. The counseling, not so much. Essentially I felt like it made me focus on issues rather than accept and deal with my here and now.

After maybe two-three years of visits, I stopped seeing her.

What then also happened was a need to find a focus - something that mattered to me, that I could try to pay attention to, and focus on. Three things fit that - first and foremost, my kids happiness and success. Secondly, making my wife happy. Finally, providing for them - by putting in a full effort at work.

Happily, this has all been successful. My kids and I are closer than ever. My success at work is far beyond anything I've ever known. And because of these, my relationship with my wife has improved immensely. She feels valued and happy.

While I focus on providing for everyone else, I stopped focusing on my issues. I'm no longer part of the equation. My life has value by providing others happiness. There's no concern for me, but for those around me.

I'm not saying it's for everyone, but for me, finding a reason to wake up has made all the difference. I wish everyone the best - there's no easy answer, regardless.

:thumbup:

I read a book that changed my life, and it discussed this. "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. Cant recommend it enough. Another one simply called "self esteem" by Matthew McKay is really good.

Edited by TheWalkmen
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Yes one lady died, left her body and was able to describe accurately a shoe that was on the hospital rooftop. Amazing stuff...

Show me one person who has near death experience and says stuff like this who isn't already super religious.

There were a few who were athiests according to the videos and they certainly aren't atheist any longer.

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I tried to commit suicide about a month ago. I took 35 10mg ambien, 55 .5 Klonopin pills and washed it down with 22 bears and a glass of scotch. I was found unresponsive and not breathing. Obviously I was saved and Im thankful for that. I have two great kids and thats what hurts me the most. Im thankful I have a 2nd chance. What I can tell this board is that depression, especially severe, is a #####. I was not thinking straight obviously, but at the time I didnt feel like it would be a big deal if I died. I have dealt with depression for basically my whole life. My mother committed suicide when I was 11 years old. I was not afforded any counseling whatsoever after she did that. It was 1975 and I guess the times were different. You cant go through something like that and not be severely affected by it. Anyway, thats my story to add.

Hey johnnymac, glad you are still around...And a :hifive: to a fellow survivor.

I am guessing you are getting therapy?

I will PM you with my info if you want to talk sometime

Thank you Mojo, I appreciate that. Yes, I am getting therapy now. I have had 3 visits with a therapist and one with a psychiatrist. It seems the psych docs dont do much therapy anymore. They are the ones who prescribe the drugs. At least that is the way I am seeing it.

Yes the way it is for good established psychiatrists these days is majority just diagnose you and get you stabilized on meds, if meds are necessary. Then they send you to a therapist. There really is no need for a psychiatrist to do therapy. It's more expensive anyway to go through a psychiatrist for what a good therapist can do. Just make sure you are with someone you totally trust and feel comfy with, and really listens to you. Many folks need to therapist hop a bit before they really find someone that helps them and they really like. Good luck to you and best wishes.

Edited by CurlyNight
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Yes one lady died, left her body and was able to describe accurately a shoe that was on the hospital rooftop. Amazing stuff...

Show me one person who has near death experience and says stuff like this who isn't already super religious.
There were a few who were athiests[sic] according to the videos and they certainly aren't atheist any longer.

Yes, according to videos on the trustworthy internet.

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I tried to commit suicide about a month ago. I took 35 10mg ambien, 55 .5 Klonopin pills and washed it down with 22 bears and a glass of scotch. I was found unresponsive and not breathing. Obviously I was saved and Im thankful for that. I have two great kids and thats what hurts me the most. Im thankful I have a 2nd chance. What I can tell this board is that depression, especially severe, is a #####. I was not thinking straight obviously, but at the time I didnt feel like it would be a big deal if I died. I have dealt with depression for basically my whole life. My mother committed suicide when I was 11 years old. I was not afforded any counseling whatsoever after she did that. It was 1975 and I guess the times were different. You cant go through something like that and not be severely affected by it. Anyway, thats my story to add.

Wow, glad you're still with us. Your story sounds very much like mine. Mom committed suicide when I was 11 (1974). Eventually it got to my sister. After several failed attempts she finally succeeded in the early 80s. I've never even really considered it but it certainly left a very heavy dent. I get low at times, certain songs like Far Behind and Crying in the Rain set off little spells of tears. I've been fortunate to have a great wife who understands me and my occasional mood swings. We went to a comedy show last night which was very funny. After she asked if I liked it because I never laughed. I said I laughed inside to which she replied you cry inside too. Which is true. She knows when I need a little pick me up, a little help.

Stay strong man.

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Yes one lady died, left her body and was able to describe accurately a shoe that was on the hospital rooftop. Amazing stuff...

Show me one person who has near death experience and says stuff like this who isn't already super religious.
There were a few who were athiests[sic] according to the videos and they certainly aren't atheist any longer.

Yes, according to videos on the trustworthy internet.

I don't know why anyone would need to rely on youtube. There are hundreds of research books/studies on this topic. The statement made was this is a phenonena exclusive to bible thumpers, and if someone can evidence that I would be interested. I've read a lot on this topic years ago and recall it was determined in studies that religious beliefs was not a common link to the occurences.
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Yes one lady died, left her body and was able to describe accurately a shoe that was on the hospital rooftop. Amazing stuff...

Show me one person who has near death experience and says stuff like this who isn't already super religious.

There were a few who were athiests according to the videos and they certainly aren't atheist any longer.

I dont think the existence of some sort of life energy or spirit means there is a god. There is a lot of evidence for psychic abilities

I am an atheist in the sense I dont believe in an omnipotent god with a plan. I do belive in energies and abilities beyond our current scientific understandings

I have experimented and tested myself and it appears I have some psychic ability beyond most, but not anything major

I believe the universe is governed by forces that appear to be a beings conscious will but not neccessarily so. I think all reality works within certain cycles and balances

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  • 2 months later...

When I was 17, I was miserable. In my own private hell. I broke up with my girlfriend who I cared about more than life itself...because every day, I had this nagging feeling as though she wasn't "the one," and that neither of us were even close to being ready to get married after high school. I woke up every day sick to my stomach (developed an ulcer, I was so worked up over it), and had to try and mentally come up with a list of reasons to keep going. Every day. She and I still went to prom together later senior year...because neither of us could imagine going with anyone else. But it ripped my heart into pieces. I still remember prom Sunday, standing in the upper deck in center field at Metrodome...thinking how easy it would be to just "fall" over the railing and do a header on to the concrete below. It'd look like an accident, which would be better for my family/friends. But the one thing that kept me going was that I couldn't face the thought of what it would do to my mom if I wasn't around. So I limped through senior year, then Summer, until college. When I finally started piecing my life back together.

FWIW, I think most people who are truly suicidal never tell people that they are contemplating killing themselves. I know I never told a soul. Not even years after I finally escaped that severe depression. The people who tell you they are suicidal, or who threaten suicide, are usually (IMHO) just trying to make a desperate attempt to influence and/or force change toward something in life that they want. More attention. More "leash." A person in a sick/dying relationship with them sticking around...even after they want out of the relationship. Et al.

I don't know Eminence, don't know the specific situation, but if I had to place odds on what a threat of suicide from him is?

1. Cry for attention and/or getting people to do things "his way:" - 70%
2. Clinical depression and/or Mental illness: 20%
3. Actual thoughts of suicide: 10%

That said, I wouldn't recommend people egging him on or ridiculing/belittling his (likely) cry for attention...just in case it's actually #2 or (ugh) #3. But I also wouldn't let him get his way or have people tip-toe around him if he's making some crazy/fraudulent/__________ claims either.

FWIW too, my Dad attempted suicide the week before my wedding. His note said he "thought it would be better if he were out of the way." He lived (my uncle found him unconscious in the garage with the car running...maybe 5-10 minutes before he would have been dead). And prior to his attempt, he never mentioned suicide to another living soul. It wasn't hard to see/know he was unhappy...depressed. But nobody saw a suicide attempt on the horizon. Maybe I'm wrong, but in my own experience, it's not the people who threaten to kill themselves who are likely to follow through with it. Not saying that is always the case! Just a strong majority of the time.

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I would hate for this thread to not remain serious

My apologies. The grim reality is, I make darkly sarcastic remarks about family and friends who have committed suicide, as well as my own attempt on my life, primarily out of love and understanding. If I cross a line, I appreciate being told that I'm out of line, as I seem to be here.

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I would hate for this thread to not remain serious

My apologies. The grim reality is, I make darkly sarcastic remarks about family and friends who have committed suicide, as well as my own attempt on my life, primarily out of love and understanding. If I cross a line, I appreciate being told that I'm out of line, as I seem to be here.

Meh. Don't ever let someone tell you the "correct" way to deal with a tragedy. Sarcasm and humor are just as valid as any other way of dealing with it so long as it isn't poking fun at the victim(s).

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Hey guys, just wanted to check in and say I'm still doing much better. I have made some major changes, the biggest is no more alcohol. I havent had a drop this year, which for me, is saying a helluva lot. I finally figured out that alcohol is not good for me. I have started to exercise and I just feel much better. It helps that I am back to work and am getting all of this behind me. I am looking forward to the rest of my life.

I also want to thank all of you for the words of encouragement. This board has many awesome people that really do care about other people. So thanks again and I hope the others that have struggled with suicide are getting better also.

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I'm torn here. When someone threatens suicide, you have to take them seriously. That being said:

He's comfortable coming here. Do you take away the comfort zone of a suicidal and mentally unstable person? If you grant that access to him, though, you have to hope that the masses do not pile on.

On the other hand, it's not as this this is the only place on the internet (wait, is it?). Do you release him into the wild to fend for himself?

I'm afraid I was in the midst of the last piece of advice I'll be giving him when the thread was locked, so it won't be posted.

If he is considering suicide, I hope he doesn't go through with it. Many of us have had family members, friends, and the like who have committed suicide. As I recall, someone whose family I happen to know was a big contributor on this board before I showed up and was lost to depression or anxiety.

If he isn't considering it, I'd prefer to never know that. Bringing that up to get attention or get one's way is unthinkable. You simply have to assume it's true any time it's brought up.

Yup. Exactly.

I've both known people who have tried and succeeded, as well as attempted myself. And I think it's pretty insensitive to use something like that for attention on a message board. :no:

Glad you're still with us, Sheik.

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Hey guys, just wanted to check in and say I'm still doing much better. I have made some major changes, the biggest is no more alcohol. I havent had a drop this year, which for me, is saying a helluva lot. I finally figured out that alcohol is not good for me. I have started to exercise and I just feel much better. It helps that I am back to work and am getting all of this behind me. I am looking forward to the rest of my life.

I also want to thank all of you for the words of encouragement. This board has many awesome people that really do care about other people. So thanks again and I hope the others that have struggled with suicide are getting better also.

Great to hear! Keep on keeping on! Continued best wishes!

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Strange timing on this bump. I was just talking with a friend Sunday evening at dinner and she told me how she had tried to commit suicide a few years back (and had a father commit suicide when she was younger). I mentioned to her this random website I found a while back of an organization that aims to help people who are struggling with depression/addiction/suicidal thoughts. I don't know much about them other than the stories they share are pretty moving and they raise most of their money through selling shirts. Just wanted to pass along the website in case it could make a difference to someone out there.

To Write Love on Her Arms

And thanks to all you ####ers for sharing in here, not a fun topic but I bet it helps anyone thinking about it to see that things can and will get better. :thumbup:

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I would hate for this thread to not remain serious

My apologies. The grim reality is, I make darkly sarcastic remarks about family and friends who have committed suicide, as well as my own attempt on my life, primarily out of love and understanding. If I cross a line, I appreciate being told that I'm out of line, as I seem to be here.

Meh. Don't ever let someone tell you the "correct" way to deal with a tragedy. Sarcasm and humor are just as valid as any other way of dealing with it so long as it isn't poking fun at the victim(s).

I agree with this. I am definitely one of those people who doesn't know how to deal with tragedy. There have been many times in my life where people have told me I was rude or disrespectful for acting the way I have during those moments. But that's never been my goal. We all experience situations differently.

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I'm torn here. When someone threatens suicide, you have to take them seriously. That being said:

He's comfortable coming here. Do you take away the comfort zone of a suicidal and mentally unstable person? If you grant that access to him, though, you have to hope that the masses do not pile on.

On the other hand, it's not as this this is the only place on the internet (wait, is it?). Do you release him into the wild to fend for himself?

I'm afraid I was in the midst of the last piece of advice I'll be giving him when the thread was locked, so it won't be posted.

If he is considering suicide, I hope he doesn't go through with it. Many of us have had family members, friends, and the like who have committed suicide. As I recall, someone whose family I happen to know was a big contributor on this board before I showed up and was lost to depression or anxiety.

If he isn't considering it, I'd prefer to never know that. Bringing that up to get attention or get one's way is unthinkable. You simply have to assume it's true any time it's brought up.

Yup. Exactly.

I've both known people who have tried and succeeded, as well as attempted myself. And I think it's pretty insensitive to use something like that for attention on a message board. :no:

Glad you're still with us, Sheik.

Thanks, GB.

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Did I miss something? Is Eminence suicidal? I hope he gets the help he needs and hope people arent egging him on if true? That being said I have no clue what I missed.

He said something about "blowing his brains out", but I logged off after that. The thread is gone now. Hope he was just joking (not funny).

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Did I miss something? Is Eminence suicidal? I hope he gets the help he needs and hope people arent egging him on if true? That being said I have no clue what I missed.

He's threatened it in other threads, did it again here, and people were pissed about it. Best I can tell, the mods have since deleted everything to do with it, as this is kind of an important thread for people who need help or somewhere to turn. As for his real situation, nobody knows, and he was encouraged to get help by numerous people if he was serious. Best policy: ignore.

eta* I know he's done it in other threads because I was furious about it and said if he was serious he needed to see a professional and get help.

Edited by rockaction
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I want to thank all of you brave souls for- not doing this horrible deed, and also sharing your experiences. I've struggled with depression for my entire adult life and hope that if things ever took that kind of turn, I'd remember this thread and all of your brave words (if I didn't remember my wife and kids first).

I also hope that all the endlessly pointless (to this thread) religion/atheism bickering is purged by then.

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I want to thank all of you brave souls for- not doing this horrible deed, and also sharing your experiences. I've struggled with depression for my entire adult life and hope that if things ever took that kind of turn, I'd remember this thread and all of your brave words (if I didn't remember my wife and kids first).

I also hope that all the endlessly pointless (to this thread) religion/atheism bickering is purged by then.

I share your sentiments, and think the the bolded is indeed taking a back seat in this thread.

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I want to thank all of you brave souls for- not doing this horrible deed, and also sharing your experiences. I've struggled with depression for my entire adult life and hope that if things ever took that kind of turn, I'd remember this thread and all of your brave words (if I didn't remember my wife and kids first).

I also hope that all the endlessly pointless (to this thread) religion/atheism bickering is purged by then.

I was thinking the same thing about the pointless posts in this thread mostly by the banned former members. But I'm glad Aaron listened and re opened this thread especially with the stories that were told and updates made and will continue to be made. This thread was way too important to be closed. God bless you all and may you continue to rise above.

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I dealt with depression for many years. After long struggles I got on medication and started seeing a psychologist. The medications have helped tremendously. The counseling, not so much. Essentially I felt like it made me focus on issues rather than accept myself for who I am.

After maybe two-three years of visits, I stopped seeing her.

What then also happened was a need to find a focus - something that mattered to me, that I could try to pay attention to, and focus on. Three things fit that - first and foremost, my kids happiness and success. Secondly, making my wife happy. Finally, providing for them - by putting in a full effort at work.

Happily, this has all been successful. My kids and I are closer than ever. My success at work is far beyond anything I've ever known. And because of these, my relationship with my wife has improved immensely. She feels valued and happy.

While I focus on providing for everyone else, I stopped focusing on my issues. I'm no longer part of the equation. My life has value by providing others happiness. There's no concern for me, but for those around me.

I'm not saying it's for everyone, but for me, finding a reason to wake up has made all the difference. I wish everyone the best - there's no easy answer, regardless.

:goodposting:

This is the key to a great marriage. Putting those you love first. Sacrificial love.

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I want to thank all of you brave souls for- not doing this horrible deed, and also sharing your experiences. I've struggled with depression for my entire adult life and hope that if things ever took that kind of turn, I'd remember this thread and all of your brave words (if I didn't remember my wife and kids first).

I also hope that all the endlessly pointless (to this thread) religion/atheism bickering is purged by then.

On that note, I attempted to kill myself once. Suffice it to say that the fact that it didn't work was beyond my control - and left no trace to anyone else that I'd ever tried.

I was, in my mind, without hope of redemption, without any idea what to do next, and I was ready to die. I had all of my affairs in the best order they could be in, and I needed the pain to stop. Immediately. It would have been the greatest mistake of my life. The things that have happened to me since have included the greatest moments and memories I have. Not because of the attempt and some need to feel it was a defining moment, but despite my attempt.

If you ever get to that point, I hope you remember something I forgot - that no matter how good or bad things are in life, they are guaranteed to turn around. It will get better.

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I want to thank all of you brave souls for- not doing this horrible deed, and also sharing your experiences. I've struggled with depression for my entire adult life and hope that if things ever took that kind of turn, I'd remember this thread and all of your brave words (if I didn't remember my wife and kids first).

I also hope that all the endlessly pointless (to this thread) religion/atheism bickering is purged by then.

On that note, I attempted to kill myself once. Suffice it to say that the fact that it didn't work was beyond my control - and left no trace to anyone else that I'd ever tried.

I was, in my mind, without hope of redemption, without any idea what to do next, and I was ready to die. I had all of my affairs in the best order they could be in, and I needed the pain to stop. Immediately. It would have been the greatest mistake of my life. The things that have happened to me since have included the greatest moments and memories I have. Not because of the attempt and some need to feel it was a defining moment, but despite my attempt.

If you ever get to that point, I hope you remember something I forgot - that no matter how good or bad things are in life, they are guaranteed to turn around. It will get better.

Glad you suck at suicide, GB. Reading this reminded me of when I attempted it. Very similar experience. No one knew I tried. It was by far, the rock bottom of my life.

But like you said, I think back to all of the things that have happened since then and I would have missed some of the best moments of my life.

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I want to thank all of you brave souls for- not doing this horrible deed, and also sharing your experiences. I've struggled with depression for my entire adult life and hope that if things ever took that kind of turn, I'd remember this thread and all of your brave words (if I didn't remember my wife and kids first).

I also hope that all the endlessly pointless (to this thread) religion/atheism bickering is purged by then.

On that note, I attempted to kill myself once. Suffice it to say that the fact that it didn't work was beyond my control - and left no trace to anyone else that I'd ever tried.

I was, in my mind, without hope of redemption, without any idea what to do next, and I was ready to die. I had all of my affairs in the best order they could be in, and I needed the pain to stop. Immediately. It would have been the greatest mistake of my life. The things that have happened to me since have included the greatest moments and memories I have. Not because of the attempt and some need to feel it was a defining moment, but despite my attempt.

If you ever get to that point, I hope you remember something I forgot - that no matter how good or bad things are in life, they are guaranteed to turn around. It will get better.

Glad you suck at suicide, GB. Reading this reminded me of when I attempted it. Very similar experience. No one knew I tried. It was by far, the rock bottom of my life.

But like you said, I think back to all of the things that have happened since then and I would have missed some of the best moments of my life.

I'm glad you're terrible at murdering yourself, too.

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  • 3 weeks later...

A co-worker's teenage son killed himself last Friday. Funeral was today. Great family, college freshman, no one saw it coming. Tremendously sad. It's put me in a funk all week...just really painful to think about what a parent goes through when a child commits suicide (and of course what the child was going through that led to it). Heavy stuff.

Hug your kids. Do everything you can to let them know they are loved and can come to you with anything.

Edited by Ray Karpis
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  • 1 month later...

I have been a psych nurse for 22 years. The last 17 I have been on an adolescent ward with teens with multiple issues. It is tough, and that age group is so impressionable, and don't think of the repercussions. Most times, they are "para-suicidal" and are looking for help because home or whatever is the problem.

Last week, 3 of my in-patients made a pact, that they were all going to hang themselves.. They decided to all try it at the same time, to throw off the staff, and create confusion. They almost succeeded, and it was awful, because it was a real serious, well thought out attempt.

I have also been on the other side though. I have never been suicidal, but I have suffered from a severe depressive episode and PTSD that sucked the life out of me.

Depression is a monster, and I can't stress enough, that if you feel like you are struggling, and your mood is low, talk to someone...anyone! Don't hide it, as it can get so bad that your mind will torture you.

I now know, there is no shame at all in admitting you need help. I am lucky to have an amazing wife, who is also a psych nurse, and support was not an issue. My kids were the all the motivation I needed to get better.

I am always open to chat or answer questions anytime!

Parm

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I have been a psych nurse for 22 years. The last 17 I have been on an adolescent ward with teens with multiple issues. It is tough, and that age group is so impressionable, and don't think of the repercussions. Most times, they are "para-suicidal" and are looking for help because home or whatever is the problem.

Last week, 3 of my in-patients made a pact, that they were all going to hang themselves.. They decided to all try it at the same time, to throw off the staff, and create confusion. They almost succeeded, and it was awful, because it was a real serious, well thought out attempt.

I have also been on the other side though. I have never been suicidal, but I have suffered from a severe depressive episode and PTSD that sucked the life out of me.

Depression is a monster, and I can't stress enough, that if you feel like you are struggling, and your mood is low, talk to someone...anyone! Don't hide it, as it can get so bad that your mind will torture you.

I now know, there is no shame at all in admitting you need help. I am lucky to have an amazing wife, who is also a psych nurse, and support was not an issue. My kids were the all the motivation I needed to get better.

I am always open to chat or answer questions anytime!

Parm

Thanks for your post and for what you do. I can't imagine the things you deal with but am thankful for people like you who give of themselves to help those in the darkest of times.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Just found out a gb committed suicide last week.

The most charming, intelligent, handsome, funny ####er you could ever hope to meet. Also a lifelong pathological liar. Before I met him in HS (he went to a different school), I always thought that term applied to people who lied a lot... and then I met him and understood the "pathology" part; he couldn't help himself- even over the most benign, mundane and meaningless things.

Unfortunately, this also applied to huge, life-defining things like: college, gradschool, jobs, lovelife. I had the pleasure of knowing him in HS, for a period during college when he was living with friends at UCSB while attending SB City College. I then ran into him here in NYC where he had moved after gradschool. By this time, his resume included anything from Oregon, Cal, Stanford and Harvard (dual graduate MBA and public policy degree).

He was working for a hedgefund last I saw him- just a few weeks ago. Or not. I learned long ago to let his amazing stories outside of the here and now and what I could see in front of us wash over and through me- but they were good ones. He had an amazing ability to spin a story- even of his own life. But this meant lots of burned bridges and painted-in corners (and younger and dumber girlfriends who couldn't or wouldn't question any of the inconsistencies in his life)... and our mutual friedns and I feel pretty certain that he got himself stuck in one too many lie, or that the pathology (why somebody as smart, funny, etc would need to lie about himself in the first place) finally caught up with him.

At some point in college one summer I ran into him wearing an Oregon State u-23 Select team jacket. Most of you know that I played in college and semipro after- it was my life in HS and I pretty much knew everybody in the state of California our age who was that good.... and as a kid who lived in the town next door, I knew for a fact he not only wasn't that good, he nad never really even played. But all of a sudden he assumed this new identity on his way to attend U of Oregon where he was going to play on the team. I remember being equal parts pissed (I had dedicated my life to the sport and felt like THIS lie was finally stepping on my toes too much) and equal parts enthused- how the hell was he going to pull this one off. He accepted all of my requests to join in me in training that summer, but would spin some kind of last minute- oh-my-nose, or dude... my grandma broke her hip... yarns to bail out.

I never learned what happened with that until just now after speaking to a gb who told me the rest of the story from the point of view of a guy who went to U of O. The guys on the team there heard there was going to be this amazing new recruit coming to play and were psyched that their team was getting a boost. My friend showed up, did a physical, got his training kit (and supposedly game kit as well), and then blew his knee out the day before their first practice. He was in a knee brace consistently for 6 months and then deemed unfit to ever play again. This was the level of his commitment to the lie. Of course, he was back home for the holidays during this time and playing turkey day football games at full speed...

His life was a source of constant amusement, irritation and ultimately inspiration to me. HIs life stories became the stuff of legend and hilarity for those of us who knew him the longest, shared whenever new ones came in. Against my better intentions, I couldn't but feel jealous of the guy for fabricating all of these things I had worked so hard to put myself through (soccer, college, gradschool, relationships), but then ultimately I coudlnt help but feel inspired that every day, our lives are of our own creation- we are free to make of them what we will, and he did it to the utmost.

And I am partially sure that even this ####### suicide is a fabrication for him to move on to something else, or away from something else... and I hope against hope that I will bump into him again in NoLita and get to listen to some lunatic, far-fetched yarn knowing that this madcap un-reality is still on the planet.

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