The Lawyer Thread Where We Stop Ruining Other Threads

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Lol

I take great joy in my Jones Act cases.

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Anyone have a decent case detailing what's required in a 902(11) or (12) certification? Or, more specifically, what form it can to be in (affidavit, signed statement, letter, email, etc.)?

[Yankee23Fan 9,289]

Anyone have a decent case detailing what's required in a 902(11) or (12) certification? Or, more specifically, what form it can to be in (affidavit, signed statement, letter, email, etc.)?

Nope.

Got any 5's?

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Anyone have a decent case detailing what's required in a 902(11) or (12) certification? Or, more specifically, what form it can to be in (affidavit, signed statement, letter, email, etc.)?

Nope.

Got any 5's?

Yes. You can take them from my cold, dead hands.

[krista4 23,667]

As of today, I'm a member of four state bars. What the hell. Maybe I should just go for all 50.

[Yankee23Fan 9,289]

As of today, I'm a member of four state bars. What the hell. Maybe I should just go for all 50.

I know someone who did that. Weird guy. Probably hasn't been laid since Nixon was in the White House.

I'm just saying.

[Yankee23Fan 9,289]

Anyone have a decent case detailing what's required in a 902(11) or (12) certification? Or, more specifically, what form it can to be in (affidavit, signed statement, letter, email, etc.)?

Nope.

Got any 5's?

Yes. You can take them from my cold, dead hands.

Go Fish to Planet of the Apes in the span of half a day. I like it.

Oh yeah!? Well, double ####### on you!

ETA: Seriously? dumba-s-s is censored? Really? Killed a great little thing going on here.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Yankee23Fan

[krista4 23,667]

As of today, I'm a member of four state bars. What the hell. Maybe I should just go for all 50.

I know someone who did that. Weird guy. Probably hasn't been laid since Nixon was in the White House.

I'm just saying.

So you're saying there's a chance.

[-fish- 13,791]

dooshbag lawyer filed a motion to stay litigation on shortened time, with oral argument, with a hearing date of tomorrow.

this violates about 5 local rules, but since there's no way to get the court to deal with it that quickly, I needed to write the opposition this morning and may have to show up to court tomorrow instead of taking the day off.

this is about the 5th time in the last few years this firm has pulled this #### on a holiday weekend.

[krista4 23,667]

I just spent about an hour doing math. Didn't I go to law school to avoid this?

[Christo 6,185]

dooshbag lawyer filed a motion to stay litigation on shortened time, with oral argument, with a hearing date of tomorrow.

this violates about 5 local rules, but since there's no way to get the court to deal with it that quickly, I needed to write the opposition this morning and may have to show up to court tomorrow instead of taking the day off.

this is about the 5th time in the last few years this firm has pulled this #### on a holiday weekend.

Does this mean it's set up on an emergency basis? If so, over the last few years if the other side is not asking for something substantive I've started blowing off other people's emergency motions and just go in with my own motion to reconsider if necessary. One good thing about the judges around here, if it's not a true emergency they don't grant it if the other side doesn't show up. Most times it's better not to show up because if you do the judges might want to just consider the motion on its merits.

Edited July 3, 2014 by Christo

[Ditkaless Wonders 16,250]

I just spent about an hour doing math. Didn't I go to law school to avoid this?

I respect you too much to swing at the softball setup.

[Yankee23Fan 9,289]

dooshbag lawyer filed a motion to stay litigation on shortened time, with oral argument, with a hearing date of tomorrow.

this violates about 5 local rules, but since there's no way to get the court to deal with it that quickly, I needed to write the opposition this morning and may have to show up to court tomorrow instead of taking the day off.

this is about the 5th time in the last few years this firm has pulled this #### on a holiday weekend.

So, how'd it go?

I settled two cases and found out that a defendant I am going after for several different clients for different reasons has decided that filing bankruptcy would be a smart move. But I do adversarial bankruptcy all the time. Ooh, sorry... you aren't getting rid of me yet.

[njherdfan 140]

Also, now I don't have to say the word "seaman" 1000 times next week in front of a female judge.

I did an admiralty law moot court this past year because it was a free trip to New Orleans, and eventually I just had to start saying "sailor" because I couldn't take what I was saying seriously.

[-fish- 13,791]

dooshbag lawyer filed a motion to stay litigation on shortened time, with oral argument, with a hearing date of tomorrow.

this violates about 5 local rules, but since there's no way to get the court to deal with it that quickly, I needed to write the opposition this morning and may have to show up to court tomorrow instead of taking the day off.

this is about the 5th time in the last few years this firm has pulled this #### on a holiday weekend.

So, how'd it go?

I settled two cases and found out that a defendant I am going after for several different clients for different reasons has decided that filing bankruptcy would be a smart move. But I do adversarial bankruptcy all the time. Ooh, sorry... you aren't getting rid of me yet.

after I filed my opposition, the filed a reply conceding that I was right and that their motion was unnecessary--but didn't strike it.

the court refused to hear it today, but has it set for monday

[Henry Ford 60,520]

dooshbag lawyer filed a motion to stay litigation on shortened time, with oral argument, with a hearing date of tomorrow.

this violates about 5 local rules, but since there's no way to get the court to deal with it that quickly, I needed to write the opposition this morning and may have to show up to court tomorrow instead of taking the day off.

this is about the 5th time in the last few years this firm has pulled this #### on a holiday weekend.

So, how'd it go?

I settled two cases and found out that a defendant I am going after for several different clients for different reasons has decided that filing bankruptcy would be a smart move. But I do adversarial bankruptcy all the time. Ooh, sorry... you aren't getting rid of me yet.

after I filed my opposition, the filed a reply conceding that I was right and that their motion was unnecessary--but didn't strike it.

the court refused to hear it today, but has it set for monday

Will a court in your jurisdiction kick the #### out of them for that? Around here that's a real problem for a lawyer.

[Thorn 3,028]

Is settling in the air lately? Had another one settle today.

And for half of what my authority was.

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Is settling in the air lately? Had another one settle today.

And for half of what my authority was.

Sure seems that way.

[St. Louis Bob 6,285]

Thought I would put this here.

[fatness 6,287]

I'm in Florida. I'm getting a real estate attorney/lawyer to change the deed on our house (long story short, house is just in my wife's name and it's in her maiden name.....we need it changed to show us both and with her correct, new name).

How much? $2,000?

If I got paid $2000 for every deed I write I would have more money than Bill Gates. And I'm not kidding.

If it costs you more than $150 find someone else. Unless there are like 10 people on the deed and the title call is 5 pages long, it is almost no work. I charge 100-150 plus the recording which is usually 50 unless, again, there are more than the usual number of pages.

I charge $200 plus recording!

I'm assuming the title report is a separate expense?

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Thought I would put this here.

Must be a terrible lawyer. You can make a lot more money with a briefcase than a gun.

[DocGonzo 50]

Thought I would put this here.

Must be a terrible lawyer. You can make a lot more money with a briefcase than a gun.

Made me think of this:

http://youtu.be/IIQbd3SF17k

[Yankee23Fan 9,289]

Divorce day.... Always fun.

And by fun I mean not enjoyable.

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Alright - let's think of all the ways to say "touched her naughty bits" that a federal judge will think is appropriate. Go!

[Zow 8,503]

Alright - let's think of all the ways to say "touched her naughty bits" that a federal judge will think is appropriate. Go!

Wanted or unwanted?

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Alright - let's think of all the ways to say "touched her naughty bits" that a federal judge will think is appropriate. Go!

Wanted or unwanted?

Unwanted.

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Try to incorporate specificity with types of naughty bits as much as possible.

[Christo 6,185]

Grope her gash

[Christo 6,185]

Maul her muff

[Christo 6,185]

Violate her vulva

[Christo 6,185]

Seize her snatch

[Christo 6,185]

Clasp her clam

[Christo 6,185]

Grip her grand canyon

[Christo 6,185]

Fondle her flower

[Otis 13,327]

I've been waiting something like 45 weeks for a decision on a case I argued at the Fed Circuit. That's crazy. Every morning I F5 the CAFC opinions page to smithereens figuring maybe I'll catch it that way faster than via ECF. A colleague regularly reminds me that "a watched pot never boils."

[Zow 8,503]

Alright - let's think of all the ways to say "touched her naughty bits" that a federal judge will think is appropriate. Go!

Wanted or unwanted?

Unwanted.

Borrow from your state's criminal code.

AZ example:

Sexual abuse = unwanted touching of the bare breasts.

Molestation = digital penetration of the ###### or ######

Sexual assault = unwanted penetration of the ###### with the penis.

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Alright - let's think of all the ways to say "touched her naughty bits" that a federal judge will think is appropriate. Go!

Wanted or unwanted?

Unwanted.

Borrow from your state's criminal code.

AZ example:

Sexual abuse = unwanted touching of the bare breasts.

Molestation = digital penetration of the ###### or ######

Sexual assault = unwanted penetration of the ###### with the penis.

Unfortunately, of no help.

[Zow 8,503]

Alright - let's think of all the ways to say "touched her naughty bits" that a federal judge will think is appropriate. Go!

Wanted or unwanted?

Unwanted.

Borrow from your state's criminal code.

AZ example:

Sexual abuse = unwanted touching of the bare breasts.

Molestation = digital penetration of the ###### or ######

Sexual assault = unwanted penetration of the ###### with the penis.

Unfortunately, of no help.

So.... what the hell did this guy/girl do?

[Henry Ford 60,520]

Alright - let's think of all the ways to say "touched her naughty bits" that a federal judge will think is appropriate. Go!

Wanted or unwanted?

Unwanted.

Borrow from your state's criminal code.

AZ example:

Sexual abuse = unwanted touching of the bare breasts.

Molestation = digital penetration of the ###### or ######

Sexual assault = unwanted penetration of the ###### with the penis.

Unfortunately, of no help.

So.... what the hell did this guy/girl do?

It's not what he did - it's how bad the Louisiana criminal code is.

Sexual harassment case.

[Zow 8,503]

Just wrapped up an incredibly time-consuming, frustrating, and relatively bizarre case with a dismissal. That dismissal arose, in large part, due to my numerous motions and calculated legal decisions made throughout the case. The matter began with the opposing side holding all the cards and ended, well before it was supposed to, with the opposing side essentially waiving the white flag and tapping out. It was an appointed case so while I did easily over 25k worth a work we were paid a fraction of that, with no cost to the client. The hearing could literally not have gone any better today. I rarely get to say this so definitively but we "won."

Was my client and his wife, who have never had nor will ever have to pay me a dime, happy? Of course not. Complained that I basically wasn't harsh enough towards the other side during the hearing (note: the other side filed for the dismissal so I didn't want to incite them to withdraw it) and demanded I do a bunch more work outside the scope of my representation. When I explained as such, I was met and essentially left with a look of disgust.

[Thorn 3,028]

I'm in Florida. I'm getting a real estate attorney/lawyer to change the deed on our house (long story short, house is just in my wife's name and it's in her maiden name.....we need it changed to show us both and with her correct, new name).

How much? $2,000?

If I got paid $2000 for every deed I write I would have more money than Bill Gates. And I'm not kidding.

If it costs you more than $150 find someone else. Unless there are like 10 people on the deed and the title call is 5 pages long, it is almost no work. I charge 100-150 plus the recording which is usually 50 unless, again, there are more than the usual number of pages.

I charge $200 plus recording!

I'm assuming the title report is a separate expense?

I refuse to issue title reports. I will sell you a title insurance policy, however. Better for both of us.

[fatness 6,287]

I'm in Florida. I'm getting a real estate attorney/lawyer to change the deed on our house (long story short, house is just in my wife's name and it's in her maiden name.....we need it changed to show us both and with her correct, new name).

How much? $2,000?

If I got paid $2000 for every deed I write I would have more money than Bill Gates. And I'm not kidding.

If it costs you more than $150 find someone else. Unless there are like 10 people on the deed and the title call is 5 pages long, it is almost no work. I charge 100-150 plus the recording which is usually 50 unless, again, there are more than the usual number of pages.

I charge $200 plus recording!

I'm assuming the title report is a separate expense?

I refuse to issue title reports. I will sell you a title insurance policy, however. Better for both of us.

Does the title insurance cover everything that might have turned up in a title search and report, up to an including letting people back out of the purchase entirely? I can see where issuing an insurance policy might be better for you, but I don't see how the lack of a title report is better for the buyer. After buying a house and property and then finding out about a previously-undisclosed-to-buyer right granted to a neighbor to use part of the property, I'm not sure that X dollars always helps. The buyer may not have bought the property at all knowing that.

There are some really ####ty deeds on record that omit previous easements, rights, conveyances, etc. I don't mean that you would write a deed like that, but someone does. They're written absent significant information that the grantee(s) would have wanted to know before settlement.

Edited July 11, 2014 by fatness

[Thorn 3,028]

I'm in Florida. I'm getting a real estate attorney/lawyer to change the deed on our house (long story short, house is just in my wife's name and it's in her maiden name.....we need it changed to show us both and with her correct, new name).

How much? $2,000?

If I got paid $2000 for every deed I write I would have more money than Bill Gates. And I'm not kidding.

If it costs you more than $150 find someone else. Unless there are like 10 people on the deed and the title call is 5 pages long, it is almost no work. I charge 100-150 plus the recording which is usually 50 unless, again, there are more than the usual number of pages.

I charge $200 plus recording!

I'm assuming the title report is a separate expense?

I refuse to issue title reports. I will sell you a title insurance policy, however. Better for both of us.

Does the title insurance cover everything that might have turned up in a title search and report, up to an including letting people back out of the purchase entirely? I can see where issuing an insurance policy might be better for you, but I don't see how the lack of a title report is better for the buyer. After buying a house and property and then finding out about a previously-undisclosed-to-buyer right granted to a neighbor to use part of the property, I'm not sure that X dollars always helps. The buyer may not have bought the property at all knowing that.

There are some really ####ty deeds on record that omit previous easements, rights, conveyances, etc. I don't mean that you would write a deed like that, but someone does. They're written absent significant information that the grantee(s) would have wanted to know before settlement.

Title insurance definitely excludes lots of things, though since it only covers a buyer after they are an owner, it doesn't "let someone back out." You could conceivably get paid the full policy amount and thereby get your money back. That's pretty rare though.

The title insurance commitment functions as a report - it will tell you that you will have coverage except for certain listed exceptions. If your hypothetical undisclosed easement exists, it should be listed as an exception to coverage so that you know about it and can make an informed purchase decision. If it's not, you would have coverage.

In my state, it's quite common not to recite all matters affecting title.

[Ditkaless Wonders 16,250]

I've been waiting something like 45 weeks for a decision on a case I argued at the Fed Circuit. That's crazy. Every morning I F5 the CAFC opinions page to smithereens figuring maybe I'll catch it that way faster than via ECF. A colleague regularly reminds me that "a watched pot never boils."

And do you thank him for the mindless cliché?

[SaintsInDome2006 47,463]

I thought you legal lunatics might enjoy this smackdown letter.

http://abovethelaw.com/2014/07/this-lawyer-just-wrote-the-best-smackdown-letter-youll-see-today/2/

I have no idea what's going on here.

[Zow 8,503]

I thought you legal lunatics might enjoy this smackdown letter.

http://abovethelaw.com/2014/07/this-lawyer-just-wrote-the-best-smackdown-letter-youll-see-today/2/

I have no idea what's going on here.

Henry Ford can explain. He should love this.

[-fish- 13,791]

I thought you legal lunatics might enjoy this smackdown letter.

http://abovethelaw.com/2014/07/this-lawyer-just-wrote-the-best-smackdown-letter-youll-see-today/2/

I have no idea what's going on here.

A guy with too much time on his hands just billed his client for writing a long-winded letter about another guy writing a long-winded letter, when either could have just picked up the phone.

[Zow 8,503]

I thought you legal lunatics might enjoy this smackdown letter.

http://abovethelaw.com/2014/07/this-lawyer-just-wrote-the-best-smackdown-letter-youll-see-today/2/

I have no idea what's going on here.

A guy with too much time on his hands just billed his client for writing a long-winded letter about another guy writing a long-winded letter, when either could have just picked up the phone.

[CletiusMaximus 8,856]

I thought you legal lunatics might enjoy this smackdown letter.

http://abovethelaw.com/2014/07/this-lawyer-just-wrote-the-best-smackdown-letter-youll-see-today/2/

I have no idea what's going on here.

On the one hand, I really hate the tone and find myself cringing every time I see a pop-news story about the latest "slap-down" letter from a lawyer. There was one recently from the lawyer for the Instagram playboy Dan Blizerian (?sp) that was horrible, disgusting crap but had lawyer bros high-fiving each other all over the web. I'll never allow a lawyer working for me to send this kind of garbage. On the other hand, during my years in private practice I was always very careful and respectful when serving non-party discovery. It is a completely different animal than party discovery and most judges will take the difference seriously. I always exhausted all efforts to contact the subject company before serving anything, and was always as cordial as possible. In my current role in-house, I can say that is a good practice. We are served with non-party subpoenas regularly due to the nature of our business. My preference is to be cooperative and not make counsel jump through hoops. However, if someone is a #@## to me, I can make discovery on us very difficult.

[Joe T 1,254]

Advise plz -

I got a subpoena yesterday for a case about a restaurant in my town that closed down several years ago. I think it was only open for about a year. I used to run a very smallish blog about things going on in town. In one short article, I mentioned this place and how they had a good burger. That is my only dealings with or knowledge of that restaurant.

So I send an email to the attorney that signed the subpoena explaining that I have a steady job and have no idea why I am being involved in this case. But if I need to show up I'd like to know what time to get there and how long it will take so that I can let my employer know.

I get an email back explaining that I am involved because I have knowledge of the restaurant. He does not mention when to get there, but says it may take about an hour and to give him a call.

WTF

Really? Do I need to take time off of work to go down to the courthouse to mention that I may have had a burger at this place 4 or so years ago and it was pretty good? They really need me for that?