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I thought you legal lunatics might enjoy this smackdown letter.

http://abovethelaw.com/2014/07/this-lawyer-just-wrote-the-best-smackdown-letter-youll-see-today/2/

I have no idea what's going on here.

On the one hand, I really hate the tone and find myself cringing every time I see a pop-news story about the latest "slap-down" letter from a lawyer. There was one recently from the lawyer for the Instagram playboy Dan Blizerian (?sp) that was horrible, disgusting crap but had lawyer bros high-fiving each other all over the web. I'll never allow a lawyer working for me to send this kind of garbage. On the other hand, during my years in private practice I was always very careful and respectful when serving non-party discovery. It is a completely different animal than party discovery and most judges will take the difference seriously. I always exhausted all efforts to contact the subject company before serving anything, and was always as cordial as possible. In my current role in-house, I can say that is a good practice. We are served with non-party subpoenas regularly due to the nature of our business. My preference is to be cooperative and not make counsel jump through hoops. However, if someone is a #@## to me, I can make discovery on us very difficult.

That Blizerian letter was the worst.

Its hard to judge this letter without seeing the letter that prompted it, I suppose, but it reads like pretty typical ##### at the big firm stuff to me.

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I don't know if there's a real pinnacle to this profession. Some times it really seems like there isn't one. But I do now know that when you're standing there waiting and hoping for two words instead

Made partner today. 

The managing partners of the small plaintiff firm I work for called me in for a meeting today and informed me they'll be making me an offer this summer for a contract that calls for a gradual transfer

Advise plz -

I got a subpoena yesterday for a case about a restaurant in my town that closed down several years ago. I think it was only open for about a year. I used to run a very smallish blog about things going on in town. In one short article, I mentioned this place and how they had a good burger. That is my only dealings with or knowledge of that restaurant.

So I send an email to the attorney that signed the subpoena explaining that I have a steady job and have no idea why I am being involved in this case. But if I need to show up I'd like to know what time to get there and how long it will take so that I can let my employer know.

I get an email back explaining that I am involved because I have knowledge of the restaurant. He does not mention when to get there, but says it may take about an hour and to give him a call.

WTF

Really? Do I need to take time off of work to go down to the courthouse to mention that I may have had a burger at this place 4 or so years ago and it was pretty good? They really need me for that?

You could retain someone to move to quash the subpoena, but that's just as big a waste of time. I'd recommend calling the lawyer. If he wants someone to simply say that the restaurant was clean and made a good burger or something, it seems to me you could just submit an affidavit.

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Advise plz -

I got a subpoena yesterday for a case about a restaurant in my town that closed down several years ago. I think it was only open for about a year. I used to run a very smallish blog about things going on in town. In one short article, I mentioned this place and how they had a good burger. That is my only dealings with or knowledge of that restaurant.

So I send an email to the attorney that signed the subpoena explaining that I have a steady job and have no idea why I am being involved in this case. But if I need to show up I'd like to know what time to get there and how long it will take so that I can let my employer know.

I get an email back explaining that I am involved because I have knowledge of the restaurant. He does not mention when to get there, but says it may take about an hour and to give him a call.

WTF

Really? Do I need to take time off of work to go down to the courthouse to mention that I may have had a burger at this place 4 or so years ago and it was pretty good? They really need me for that?

You could retain someone to move to quash the subpoena, but that's just as big a waste of time. I'd recommend calling the lawyer. If he wants someone to simply say that the restaurant was clean and made a good burger or something, it seems to me you could just submit an affidavit.

Does it help if I already submitted an affidavit?

ETA: I've called the lawyer too and am awaiting a call back... <_<

Edited by Joe T
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I thought you legal lunatics might enjoy this smackdown letter.

http://abovethelaw.com/2014/07/this-lawyer-just-wrote-the-best-smackdown-letter-youll-see-today/2/

I have no idea what's going on here.

Henry Ford can explain. He should love this.

Actually not a big fan. I certainly have the desire to send letters like this sometimes. I just think better of it and pick up the phone.

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Update:

Not that anyone gives a ####.

Spoke to the lawyer. He seemed like a reasonable dude. He explained the lawsuit is a restaurant franchisee suing the real estate broker who put them in a bad location.

I guess he is looking for people to come in and say the food was good, but the location kind of sucked. I tried not to be helpful in hopes that I won't get called / bothered with this again even though it sounds like the restaurant probably got screwed a bit here.

:mellow:

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So, what's the general consensus on receiving an Affidavit attached to a Motion for Summary Judgment, when the Affidavit still has blanks in it?

Sounds like the worst affidavit attached to a motion for summary judgment I've seen today.

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So, what's the general consensus on receiving an Affidavit attached to a Motion for Summary Judgment, when the Affidavit still has blanks in it?

Sounds like the worst affidavit attached to a motion for summary judgment I've seen today.

It does seem that way. Fortunately, the stuff that's not blank is demonstrably false.

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Update:

Not that anyone gives a ####.

Spoke to the lawyer. He seemed like a reasonable dude. He explained the lawsuit is a restaurant franchisee suing the real estate broker who put them in a bad location.

I guess he is looking for people to come in and say the food was good, but the location kind of sucked. I tried not to be helpful in hopes that I won't get called / bothered with this again even though it sounds like the restaurant probably got screwed a bit here.

:mellow:

I work for a franchise and assist franchisees with site selection. I'm no attorney but I'm trying to picture one of our franchisees suing a real estate broker because they helped them get a deal on a site. That seems like a stretch.
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So, what's the general consensus on receiving an Affidavit attached to a Motion for Summary Judgment, when the Affidavit still has blanks in it?

Fill them with random words.
Mad Libs Affidavit is good shtick.
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This isn't a lawyer question per se, more of a job hunt question than anything else, but I am a lawyer, so i figured I would put it here.

I am a trademark lawyer in a boutique firm. Things at our firm are "meh" growth wise, and my practice has been flat recently.

My firm does a fair amount of work on the patent side for a Fortune 100 company. We do not any work on the trademark end for this company, as they do everything in house. They do farm out litigation, but thus far, we have not been able to get a toe in the door, let alone a foot. I have never met any people in the trademark department, but have met people in the patent department at social outings hosted by my firm where clients attend.

I noticed that this company recently posted a position for a senior trademark counsel that I am very qualified for. I know from my conversations with the patent folks that the patent and trademark departments are separate, but that the two sides do interact with each other in general.

Under the circumstances, is it too risky to send a resume to this prospective employer on the fear that it could get back to my employer or is there an understanding that when a resume is sent it is confidential?

Thoughts?

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I thought you legal lunatics might enjoy this smackdown letter.

http://abovethelaw.com/2014/07/this-lawyer-just-wrote-the-best-smackdown-letter-youll-see-today/2/

I have no idea what's going on here.

Henry Ford can explain. He should love this.

Actually not a big fan. I certainly have the desire to send letters like this sometimes. I just

think better of it and pick up the phone.

I was being sarcastic.
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This isn't a lawyer question per se, more of a job hunt question than anything else, but I am a lawyer, so i figured I would put it here.

I am a trademark lawyer in a boutique firm. Things at our firm are "meh" growth wise, and my practice has been flat recently.

My firm does a fair amount of work on the patent side for a Fortune 100 company. We do not any work on the trademark end for this company, as they do everything in house. They do farm out litigation, but thus far, we have not been able to get a toe in the door, let alone a foot. I have never met any people in the trademark department, but have met people in the patent department at social outings hosted by my firm where clients attend.

I noticed that this company recently posted a position for a senior trademark counsel that I am very qualified for. I know from my conversations with the patent folks that the patent and trademark departments are separate, but that the two sides do interact with each other in general.

Under the circumstances, is it too risky to send a resume to this prospective employer on the fear that it could get back to my employer or is there an understanding that when a resume is sent it is confidential?

Thoughts?

There should be an understanding that it's confidential, but other industries don't always understand that. A law firm I would expect to keep it confidential - another company, might or might not.

If you know some of the patent people, I'd come up with a reason to grab lunch or a drink with one of them. Slip into conversation that you saw the job at some point. While the departments are separate, they may be able to help, too.

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One thing I really loathe is going through a hearing, both sides argue the issues well, you turn to the judge, and all of a sudden he's decided the case turns on something neither side was concerned with. We bring the case to you, judge. We have asked you for the resolution to THESE issues. This is not an opportunity for you to show us how creative you can be by coming up with another one. :hot:

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One thing I really loathe is going through a hearing, both sides argue the issues well, you turn to the judge, and all of a sudden he's decided the case turns on something neither side was concerned with. We bring the case to you, judge. We have asked you for the resolution to THESE issues. This is not an opportunity for you to show us how creative you can be by coming up with another one. :hot:

This is why going in front of the Fifth Circuit is such a treat.

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One thing I really loathe is going through a hearing, both sides argue the issues well, you turn to the judge, and all of a sudden he's decided the case turns on something neither side was concerned with. We bring the case to you, judge. We have asked you for the resolution to THESE issues. This is not an opportunity for you to show us how creative you can be by coming up with another one. :hot:

This is why going in front of the Fifth Circuit is such a treat.

Fifth Circuit or raisins - better treat?

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One thing I really loathe is going through a hearing, both sides argue the issues well, you turn to the judge, and all of a sudden he's decided the case turns on something neither side was concerned with. We bring the case to you, judge. We have asked you for the resolution to THESE issues. This is not an opportunity for you to show us how creative you can be by coming up with another one. :hot:

This is why going in front of the Fifth Circuit is such a treat.

Seriously, it takes a contingent fee case that I was about 75% confident we would win, and makes it ... I don't know what! I guess less that 50% because I imagine I have some burden of proof on something I didn't address. :hot:

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You know those things that are sayings that women love that stick to your wall in the house all pretty the way women like it? Those things. Biblical sayings, other things, whatever you want - all clean.

I want one in my office over the front door that says, you really can't make this **** up.

It blows my mind someone hasn't figured out how to do small town small practice lawyer for reality tv. Gold Jerry, gold.

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You know those things that are sayings that women love that stick to your wall in the house all pretty the way women like it? Those things. Biblical sayings, other things, whatever you want - all clean.

I want one in my office over the front door that says, you really can't make this **** up.

It blows my mind someone hasn't figured out how to do small town small practice lawyer for reality tv. Gold Jerry, gold.

My office has the X-Files slogan up, with some italics.

"The truth is out there."

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You know those things that are sayings that women love that stick to your wall in the house all pretty the way women like it? Those things. Biblical sayings, other things, whatever you want - all clean.

I want one in my office over the front door that says, you really can't make this **** up.

It blows my mind someone hasn't figured out how to do small town small practice lawyer for reality tv. Gold Jerry, gold.

My office has the X-Files slogan up, with some italics.

"The truth is out there."

I like that.

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So how many of us have had a swat team looking for their client this week? Raise your hands with me...

Awesome phone call at 6am in the morning.

An actual SWAT team? Jesus.

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So how many of us have had a swat team looking for their client this week? Raise your hands with me...

Awesome phone call at 6am in the morning.

I had a guy call me from prison to ask me how to switch his power of attorney from his wife to his girlfriend. He may or may not have been arrested by a SWAT team breaking in his door in the recent past.

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So how many of us have had a swat team looking for their client this week? Raise your hands with me...

Awesome phone call at 6am in the morning.

An actual SWAT team? Jesus.

Not kidding. No hyperbole. The local PD went all roid freak and got their jollies on. Armor, trucks, the whole 9.

For a non-violent indictment.

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So how many of us have had a swat team looking for their client this week? Raise your hands with me...

Awesome phone call at 6am in the morning.

An actual SWAT team? Jesus.

Not kidding. No hyperbole. The local PD went all roid freak and got their jollies on. Armor, trucks, the whole 9.

For a non-violent indictment.

Nice. Is he hiding under your desk?

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You know those things that are sayings that women love that stick to your wall in the house all pretty the way women like it? Those things. Biblical sayings, other things, whatever you want - all clean.

I want one in my office over the front door that says, you really can't make this **** up.

It blows my mind someone hasn't figured out how to do small town small practice lawyer for reality tv. Gold Jerry, gold.

I have a painting by a very cool New Orleans artist that says "Please God Dont Sue Me". I do art law, copyright and trademark, etc., and I was in his gallery in NO buying it and he showed me a cease and desist letter from George Rodrigue, the painter of the Blue Dog paintings. My guy had done a parody painting of Blue Dog a la Bill the Cat, showing him drunk and nasty, etc., and Rodrigue threatened to sue him for copyright infringement. Thus, he was inspired to paint the "Please God Dont Sue Me" painting.

Cool story bro.

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So how many of us have had a swat team looking for their client this week? Raise your hands with me...

Awesome phone call at 6am in the morning.

An actual SWAT team? Jesus.

Not kidding. No hyperbole. The local PD went all roid freak and got their jollies on. Armor, trucks, the whole 9.

For a non-violent indictment.

Nice. Is he hiding under your desk?

:lol: I would have happily surrendered her. It's a BS indictment and I'm confident the charges are going nowhere. Bailed out now. IT was very much a "using axe to kill fly on forehead" type move by the PD. It's stuff like this that make people hate cops.

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So how many of us have had a swat team looking for their client this week? Raise your hands with me...

Awesome phone call at 6am in the morning.

An actual SWAT team? Jesus.

Not kidding. No hyperbole. The local PD went all roid freak and got their jollies on. Armor, trucks, the whole 9.

For a non-violent indictment.

Nice. Is he hiding under your desk?

:lol: I would have happily surrendered her. It's a BS indictment and I'm confident the charges are going nowhere. Bailed out now. IT was very much a "using axe to kill fly on forehead" type move by the PD. It's stuff like this that make people hate cops.

It's all part of the militarization of the police. You get a tank you want to use it. So they get to treating every warrant as if it was for some Bondian super villain. And now they are actually privatizing SWAT teams.

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Question for FBG lawyers. I got pulled over in Battle Mountain, NV for speeding. The ticket includes the following language:

I, the undersigned, do hereby waive my right to appear in court and request of the court that my posted bail be forfeited in lieu of a fine. I understand that since it is not the payment of a fine, the court reserves the right to order my appearance in court if the circumstances so require.

The proposed payment is broken down as follows:

Bail $70 Admin: $55 Sp CT Fee: $7 Court Facility: $13 Total: $145

All I care about is not getting points on my IL license. From the above, it sounds like if I pay the fee, I am not being fined for an offense and it won't be communicated to Illinois. Am I off base?

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Question for FBG lawyers. I got pulled over in Battle Mountain, NV for speeding. The ticket includes the following language:

I, the undersigned, do hereby waive my right to appear in court and request of the court that my posted bail be forfeited in lieu of a fine. I understand that since it is not the payment of a fine, the court reserves the right to order my appearance in court if the circumstances so require.

The proposed payment is broken down as follows:

Bail $70 Admin: $55 Sp CT Fee: $7 Court Facility: $13 Total: $145

All I care about is not getting points on my IL license. From the above, it sounds like if I pay the fee, I am not being fined for an offense and it won't be communicated to Illinois. Am I off base?

yes. you're forfeiting bail in lieu of a fine. since you won't be in court to contest your ticket, you're going to be found guilty by default.

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Question for FBG lawyers. I got pulled over in Battle Mountain, NV for speeding. The ticket includes the following language:

I, the undersigned, do hereby waive my right to appear in court and request of the court that my posted bail be forfeited in lieu of a fine. I understand that since it is not the payment of a fine, the court reserves the right to order my appearance in court if the circumstances so require.

The proposed payment is broken down as follows:

Bail $70 Admin: $55 Sp CT Fee: $7 Court Facility: $13 Total: $145

All I care about is not getting points on my IL license. From the above, it sounds like if I pay the fee, I am not being fined for an offense and it won't be communicated to Illinois. Am I off base?

yes. you're forfeiting bail in lieu of a fine. since you won't be in court to contest your ticket, you're going to be found guilty by default.

Just talked to the ADA's office and I am going to try to negotiate a non-moving violation without a lawyer.

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Question for FBG lawyers. I got pulled over in Battle Mountain, NV for speeding. The ticket includes the following language:

I, the undersigned, do hereby waive my right to appear in court and request of the court that my posted bail be forfeited in lieu of a fine. I understand that since it is not the payment of a fine, the court reserves the right to order my appearance in court if the circumstances so require.

The proposed payment is broken down as follows:

Bail $70 Admin: $55 Sp CT Fee: $7 Court Facility: $13 Total: $145

All I care about is not getting points on my IL license. From the above, it sounds like if I pay the fee, I am not being fined for an offense and it won't be communicated to Illinois. Am I off base?

yes. you're forfeiting bail in lieu of a fine. since you won't be in court to contest your ticket, you're going to be found guilty by default.

Just talked to the ADA's office and I am going to try to negotiate a non-moving violation without a lawyer.

Anyone have any recommendations for when I talk to the ADA? The court said I should simply say I'd like to amend the citation to a non-moving violation. What's her likely response?

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Anyone have any recommendations for when I talk to the ADA? The court said I should simply say I'd like to amend the citation to a non-moving violation. What's her likely response?

Try to convince them that you're the Sausage King of Chicago. You can probably get them to drop the ticket entirely.

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So, personal injury guys. Slip and fall cases. My victim has a case that looks like is falls somewhere in the jury award and settlement range in the area of anywhere from 40,000 to 750,000.

Do these usually fall on the bottom end or top end? No loss of job, significant injuries requiring surgery. Loss of consortium can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt (though that is not clearly the standard necessary).

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Question for FBG lawyers. I got pulled over in Battle Mountain, NV for speeding. The ticket includes the following language:

I, the undersigned, do hereby waive my right to appear in court and request of the court that my posted bail be forfeited in lieu of a fine. I understand that since it is not the payment of a fine, the court reserves the right to order my appearance in court if the circumstances so require.

The proposed payment is broken down as follows:

Bail $70 Admin: $55 Sp CT Fee: $7 Court Facility: $13 Total: $145

All I care about is not getting points on my IL license. From the above, it sounds like if I pay the fee, I am not being fined for an offense and it won't be communicated to Illinois. Am I off base?

yes. you're forfeiting bail in lieu of a fine. since you won't be in court to contest your ticket, you're going to be found guilty by default.

Just talked to the ADA's office and I am going to try to negotiate a non-moving violation without a lawyer.

Anyone have any recommendations for when I talk to the ADA? The court said I should simply say I'd like to amend the citation to a non-moving violation. What's her likely response?

most likely response is going to be yes if you don't have a recent history of moving violations.

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So, personal injury guys. Slip and fall cases. My victim has a case that looks like is falls somewhere in the jury award and settlement range in the area of anywhere from 40,000 to 750,000.

Do these usually fall on the bottom end or top end? No loss of job, significant injuries requiring surgery. Loss of consortium can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt (though that is not clearly the standard necessary).

Get the surgery first. That'll push it higher. Other than that, it's about showing the jury that the defense needlessly endangered the public by [whatever] and that it could have done the same thing to them, their parents, their kids, etc.

If you can do that, it can get high. Otherwise, slip and falls don't get taken very seriously in many jurisdictions.

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So, personal injury guys. Slip and fall cases. My victim has a case that looks like is falls somewhere in the jury award and settlement range in the area of anywhere from 40,000 to 750,000.

Do these usually fall on the bottom end or top end? No loss of job, significant injuries requiring surgery. Loss of consortium can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt (though that is not clearly the standard necessary).

Get the surgery first. That'll push it higher. Other than that, it's about showing the jury that the defense needlessly endangered the public by [whatever] and that it could have done the same thing to them, their parents, their kids, etc.

If you can do that, it can get high. Otherwise, slip and falls don't get taken very seriously in many jurisdictions.

Henry-

In the other thread....where i was killed...I felt like I was in a tough spot. I was acting as a parent, but also as my family's lawyer as a "zealous advocate".

I had an incident where i was unsure what happened, we asked for an accident report and were denied, so I really did not know what happened.

My instinct as a lawyer where I was unsure about liability was to approach from a settlement stance.

Was that so crazy?

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So how many of us have had a swat team looking for their client this week? Raise your hands with me...

Awesome phone call at 6am in the morning.

An actual SWAT team? Jesus.

Not kidding. No hyperbole. The local PD went all roid freak and got their jollies on. Armor, trucks, the whole 9.

For a non-violent indictment.

Do you guys recall the Steven Segal serving a search warrant on behalf of Sheriff Joe on a guy suspected of attending a cockfight?

I was tangentially involved and was privy to the reports. One of the craziest things I've encountered by law enforcement. Couldn't believe it was real.

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Client wants to retain attorney for family court matter. Client wants to use every nuclear option against former spouse in the motion and bludgeon them to the point of suicide feeling like a better alternative to the former spouse. Ok, says attorney. Well, let's look at how we will do that.

Initially, once you retain me I need to subpoena these 3 banks for documents. I am also going to hire a forensic accountant to look into his business and those records once we get that specific answer to the subpoena - that is if we get that answer. I would anticipate at least one motion to quash, so we will deal with most likely one motion hearing at least before the main motion hearing. Once we win that preliminary motion and get the docs, the forensic accountant will take a few weeks to look into everything and come up with the report we need. I'll need you to get the medical records that you say exist and we will have to retain the doctor to be ready to testify at the hearing if I can get it to become a plenary hearing.

Client is extremely happy with this gameplan. Client feels that this is the proper way to attack the entire thing and wants blood. Client is ready to sign up. Attorney says that a retainer agreement will be prepared so that the firm can get started and the initial retainer will be 10,000.00. Client looks confused. Client asks why it is so much and that she heard that a motion is usually about 3,000 for something simple. Attorney is confused. Simple is not the use of two experts, the subpoena of three banks, at least one preliminary hearing prior to the main one and then a plenary testimonial hearing instead of a regular old motion hearing. Client is still confused. Attorney asks if client understands that the subpoena's cost money. Client is confused. Attorney informs client that you have to pay the bank for the copying fee for what they are going to give you.

Client seems to grasp this and then asks if the 10,000 retainer would be used to pay the accountant and doctor. Attorney laughs. No, you would pay them separately and up front. The accountant will need 10,000 and the doctor will probably take 7,000 - and then you have to pay them for the testimony time if it gets that far. Above the legal retainer. Client tilts head and says that that means this is going to cost at least 30,000? Attorney nods head - that is the nuclear take no prisoners option, yes.

Client thinks for a minute and then asks - what if I just agree to everything in the motion that was filed? Attorney tells client then in that case you don't need attorney. Client agrees and thanks attorney for his time.

:wall:

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In a maintenance room in a parking garage reading through 40 years of dusty corporate records.

My last spousal support payment is Friday after 6 years. Over finally, right? She's getting remarried and moving on? No, she's going back to court to try to get full custody because she "doesn't like my single lifestyle" even though she voluntarily gave up custody for six months earlier this year and I now have her 60/40.

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In a maintenance room in a parking garage reading through 40 years of dusty corporate records.

My last spousal support payment is Friday after 6 years. Over finally, right? She's getting remarried and moving on? No, she's going back to court to try to get full custody because she "doesn't like my single lifestyle" even though she voluntarily gave up custody for six months earlier this year and I now have her 60/40.

That sucks. Best of luck.

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This is a good one.

As part of my IP practice, I deal with lawyers from other jurisdictions as my clients.

Basically, if my clients have work they want done in other countries that I can't do, I call them, and vice versa.

There is one associate from Austria that I work with who has probably given me 20X the volume of work incoming that I have given him that is outgoing, so I somewhat "owe him".

He calls me earlier today to say that he has a friend who is vising NYC from Austria, where he is from, and has a special gift he would like to send him. He does not trust that the hotel will get it to him in a safe manner, and wishes to send it to me, to bring to him.

I do not live or work in NYC (I work and live about an hour away)

Not an insane request, and could use it as an excuse to get out with my wife in Manhattan. How would one respond to something like this?

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