So, it's probably time for an update. This may be long but bear with me. This post has been a long time coming. But I have a lot on my brain and I need to get it out. This is probably the only place I can put this where I know most of you won't judge and will just lend support.
I'm a mess right now and I've known it for a long time - physically and mentally.
Coming off of Carmel in 2019 I was on a high. And then hitting that PR in the half marathon two weeks later was the icing on the cake. Physically and mentally I was on a peak after that second race. I knew at that time the kind of runner I COULD be, and felt like I had a good sense of how to execute things.
I learned during that cycle a couple of things:
1. I am capable of way more than I give myself credit for
2. Spring races are way better for me in terms of commitment
So my goal going into fall of 2019 was to maintain a solid base and sign up for my normal spring half in 2020. The goal there was to try and break 1:40. Which if I could do that, would possibly help springboard me into a serious long term plan to possibly put myself into position where I could qualify for Boston. That would have been a several year project, but I would have been building toward that. I know with my talent level it would take A LOT of work. It's no secret my mental challenges with running here, but things where starting to come together.
Then of course Covid hit right in the middle of that half training cycle. I'll never forget the day: I was in Florida on vacation and on a training run and came back and saw the notification in my email. To say the air came out of my sails was an understatement.
The world was shutting down. And I shut down along with it.
And I haven't been able to shake it. With all the down time during Covid I had a lot of time to think. And sit around. And drink beers with my wife just watching people walk by because that at least seemed normal. I would run a little bit here and there, and the spring race series with you guys helped a ton. But after that was summer.
And it became easier not to run:
1. there are no races to run anyway
2. it's hot out here
3. sports are starting again - let's have a beer and watch that instead
Summer turned to fall, fall to winter, and on and on until now. The world got back to somewhat of a normal cycle but I did not. I went the other direction. Those beer nights turned into an every day occurence. Usually only 1 or 2 beers with my wife, but weekends turn into day drinking affairs. There was a stretch there where I probably drank something every day for months.
As a child of an alcoholic, I'm well aware of the danger here. I would run here and there, and get a moment of inspiration to try and break me out of this cycle. But there was always an excuse not to run.
This past year has been tough for me. Not in any kind of financial or marriage kind of way, but all of this downtime has made me question a lot of things. The kind of husband I am, the kind of father, the kind of man I am. It's like I know the mistakes I have made and am making, but my answer has been to overthink things and go into my shell and just keep quiet.
It's like I know I can't do any damage if I just keep quiet. This comes from my dad and the mental scars I'm carrying from him. o I know where it comes from. I know you guys might be thinking:
"go talk to someone. see a therapist."
But I can't and won't do this. There are some things I'm carrying that have to remain and die with me. That is non-negotiable in any terms. But what I have to figure out is how to get through this. All of it. But I have to take them one at a time.
There are also some physical things I'm working through:
1. Degenerative disk in my neck. This was diagnosed early of 2019 right when I was in the middle of my marathon cycle. I chose to not do anything at that time because it wasn't bothering me much and the running seemed to help keep me loose. But it's gotten much worse. I'm in pain daily. I'm feeling pain in my upper body and down my arms and up into my head at times. So I'm starting the process again on what to do. I'm on a steroid right now to try and simmer things down, and hopefully that can buy me some time. So I have that to deal with.
2. Overall fatigue and such. I've been having just weird stuff going on. What I feel are heart palpitations, shortness of breath at times, just overall crappy feeling. Now, I know some of this could be tied to drinking too much. But I still am getting this checked out. I'm getting that heart calcium test done and then a consult with a cardiologist. So there's that also.
So I'm a freaking mess right now. But I am also aware of that and know that there are things I can do to control this.
The things I can fix:
1. Quit drinking so much. This one is a no brainer, and I've taken some steps in the last three weeks to address this. I'm not ready to call myself an alcoholic yet, but I know the signs and the technical definitions. I also love having a cold beer with my friends and watch a game. But this will be scaled back A LOT. I've been here before and this is certainly the one thing I can control. Which leads me back to:
2. Running. This has saved me before and it's going to have to do it again. It's the one thing I can point to that gives me a purpose (outside of family of course). It gives me a direction. It gives me a plan. It gives me something to look forward to (the race). I have to get back into this consistently. I've been trying to get out more and more, if only for 3-4 miles at a time. My plan as of today is to try and get back to 5 days a week. One of the reasons I like to run at night is it's an easy way to keep me off the booze. After I run I usually just go eat dinner, then hang with the family, and then head to bed. So I need this routine right now.
The next step is to sign up for a race. I'll be signing up for my normal spring half once they open it up. That race is usually the second week of April. My plan as of today is: just make it to that race. Build up mileage the best you can.
3. The Mental Stuff. For me, simplifying things is always the best thing. I also need things to do. The whole idle hands thing...... So, I've started taking some steps there too. My yard and garden have never looked better.
I started the bait company with my son. I started feeding the birds (of course, now I'm in warfare with the squirrels and grackles, but that's another story). I've been listening to music more. Things that I love and that can keep me occupied mentally. I need to read more - that's the next step. Turn off a meaningless game and read a book.
Anyway, sorry about the brain dump today. I needed to do this desparately and put this into words so I can be accountable to it. Thanks for always being here guys. You have no idea how much you have all helped me over the years.
I'll never be able to pay that back.