(Deep Breath)
-cos tried to have hoors deliver an ice cream cake to GM's bachelor party, but ice cream cakes in Detroit are in lower supply than minority hockey players with MBAs and rising home values.
-Tanner's mom posed for a picture with Flava Flav
-GM married Mary Poppinsini
-dickmitten was born
-OrtontoOlsen hated lots of things (but not cats)
-shuke left the next inhabitants of his carpeted hotel room feeling like flies trying to navigate a tray full of candied apples
-krista bought a house
-urbanhack fired up the Get shuke and GM on the Amazing Race Facebook page
-thorn added rapey as logical adjective to modify dickmitten
-GM blew Truck's vuvuzela and then performed cunnlingus on Cracked Pepper and Olive Oil Triscuit's box (thought I don't remember reading any of her posts)
-Whereas most people threaten to tear someone else a new ###hole, SLB decided to actually tear himself a (new?) head ######
-Sconch hated lots of things (but not cats)
-kendall put MC Hammer to shame. I miss kendall.
-shot videos became all the rage
-Shot video regret and thorning were also soon invented
-Homer made some lucky young mother of 3 from BFE his density, er um, Destiney (not a stage name)
-krista sold a house
-Montel Williams got in a fight with one of 'zooks' friends at a bachelorette party and then put a dead squirrel on the hood of his car
-Bonzai declined sex so he could #### himself at the post office
-If you're not enjoying this update, there's probably an episode of Big Bang Theory on somewhere that you could watch
-If Hock Meng Tay ever does a google vanity search, he might just go Crazy Joe Davola on our GB GM
-RudiStein hated lots of things (but not cats)
-A magic football draft almost ruined this place
-A bunch of people got together in Austin to participate in the 5th annual Fingerbanging for Albinos Pub Crawl and BBQ Sauce Tasting
-shuke caught gout
-Frosti developed a love for beef sticks
-krista bought a house
-Everybody SLB has ever met in person died
-TRE drank some booze
-Despite the gestation period for her kid, YRS continues to deny being impregnated after drinking 3 bottles of wine in the walrus exhibit
-80% of sexually active men are naturally ribbed for her pleasure
-RegLlllllllamaofBrixton hated lots of things (but not cats)
-flysack was run out by nipples
-Homer had a threesome... with sexy results
-Uruk kicked cancer's ### AND landed a spy
-Abe wrote a series of self-help books on managing finances and fuel consumption. Each book is 3/4 of a page, and you can buy the whole 254 book set at your local Rite Aid
-krista sold a house
-Tiger Fan became an ice entreprenuer
-Two words: belt system
-Chiggerdick is either the name of a new band or the result of SLB's efforts to breed a new, bald, tiny super-army of mites
-Some meat was raffled
-Some tabs were pulled
-McJose hated lots of things (but not cats)
-YRS gripped it and ripped it
-We discovered that people will pay for the warmth of pre-worn hats and coats
-guster broke up with crazy girl, who took it surprisingly well
-bentley was promoted to Chet Holmes and promised to be made into Tony Robbins at some point in the future
-Amanda H got pregnant, disappointing GMTANNers everywhere. No word on how her ####, ###, or softball swing held up
-krista bought a house
-Rude must have failed to use protection when he cornholed shuke, 'cause he also now has teh gout.
-Tanner drank beer with Ronnie Lott
-thorn caught aids? I'm pretty sure I got that right.
-Someone in here dated some crazy chick(s). I think we all know who that is.
-Some people made some inappropriate jokes related to Homer and young girls
-Marvin hated lots of things (but not cats)
-krista sold a house
-We discovered through boatloads of investigative work that jcakes not only bought a wife with Made in China tattooed on her ###, but he is raising a daughter he thinks is an 8 (who happens to be the only asian female under the age of 20 Homer wouldn't use up like a burner phone)
-GM has a watch worth more than Abe
-Uni went to a jiggly pub, where he paid for the first year of community college for some woman who treated his neck like mosquitoes treat krista
-krista bought a house
-Officer Pete Malloy hated lots of things (but not cats)
-BINGO!
-Having lived in her own home for consecutive weeks, an antsy krista destroyed a bunch of other people's houses
-fish got molested (not the good way) in front of his kid at a campground with a balcony by a crazy chick and went to prison with carnies (actually true)
-SLB is busty
-shuke's spreading the gout
-YRS has boobs (1 confirmed. 1 assumed)
-GM found out Cosmo has good programs on the Netflix
-Rodeos suck, unless you're a cow with a very specific fetish
-Tanner's wife left that place that makes bbq to work for some other place that serves beer late at night (I'm guessing the place that hand spins wings?), and he's trying to score multiple weeks of bachelorhood from it
-Rude went to Paris and all he got was this lousy Big Mac
-Grove could use some thoprawishes
-LABShole seems to have been a great success, despite Tre's presence
-Homer's moving back to THE Ohio state because he's tired of making old fashioneds for guys named Alastair
-thorn needs to shut up
-Zooks' kid reacted to teacher dumping with uncontrollable vomiting
-IB has jock itch everywhere, including parts of Mrs. Foos
-Take a look. It's in a book. A reading rainbow.
-Something about Wizard of Oz. I don't really remember.
-Pack's daughter was shtupping a gay guy, but they confiscated all her friends in customs
-GM made some cookies for BobbyLayne's niece and her new man. You probably saw the Maury episode
-stryker loves furly. No word on how he feels about fruly
-DYLAN FARTED
-I have no idea why I yelled that.
-cos is getting a "prescription" from a "doctor" for something involving joints
-Cornhole in Naperville. BYOHSH
-Homer wants to know if he can play in your home Hold 'Em game
-Despite having a mini-, Guster is regularly fingerbanging some new chick while having a bourbonslut on the side
-Otis likes balls
-New consipiracy theories are arising RE: Jeopardy wanting Tanner off for being a pain in the ###
-GM peed on himself after his wang got tangled up in his briar patch
-Frosti might... MIGHT need some beef sticks.
-krista's staying at the Bates Motel while she closes on a new house
-Hot chicks marry band guys and get paid a lot to be on TV
-Pepper spread was apparently not just a summary of SLB's evening
-Tre's either buying a Scion iQ or a Fiat 500
-SLB and Binky shared some corn on the cob at Dogpatch USA
-I broke into some guy's BMW and stole his keys
-CQ's daughter is going to juggle bottles of vodka in a bikini for Homer
-There's a place next door to heaven called Salumi
-I watched Billy Joel play Highway to Hell in concert. Actually true
-Tre kicks artpad's ###
-annyong's girlfriend has boobs
-Frosti, as an ardent segregationist, has outlawed said boobs from touching each other
-Tanner is teaching something-d-o-o economics to juvenile delinquents at his alma mater. Bellevue, I think it was.
-Bob checked Pepper for ticks
-I'm honestly not sure if that's a euphemism or not
-stryker's planning to toss some yeast into the old lady's fermenter after beerhole.
-Guster showed his white dwarf to Nameless and then dropped all his other women, including FWB. In the name of polyamory, apparently.
-If you see Romo's face covered in processed cheese powder, congratulate yrs on a good weekend.
-The kristas are hiring a personal shopper. If you're capable of reading a list, mail your application to any address in the world and it will eventually get forwarded to them by the post office.
-Uruk's concerned about something, but I can't remember what it is.
-babyyrs is off to college soon
-krista likes showercide
-bentley had to get a series of AIDS shots in the stomach. I think he got scratched by PR chick or something.
-GM's sister makes questionable decisions in all facets of life except wine consumption
-Somebody (floppo? I really don't recall. It's been too long) didn't know what to do while they're in Paris. Apparently France needs Bentley so people know there's #### to do there.
-It snowed in Portland. It only took 2 weeks for people to be able to see GM again.
-Iowa smells like your shvantz after you wrong-holed your second cousin in Southern Illinois
-Somebody sucked out on bostonfred thrice, which wasn't nearly as enjoyable for him as it sounds like it should be.
-Wes Anderson is making a movie about The Pixies called F You, TannerBoyle
-wikkipissah ####ed his Secretariat
-krista did a stirring rendition of, "heckman, heckman, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can."
-Apparently no one can.
-proninja's mom's vag might smell like a tauntaun, but crawling inside it saved urbanhack's life during that giant snowstorm in Portland. Actually true.
-Big Red isn't just Ignoramus' nickname on the pro rodeo circuit
-CQ and stryker both made appearances recently. I'm not going to make a joke about that, 'cause yay CQ and stryker. Get Tre while you're at it, would you?
-fish has a job. Who knew? He and Da Raiders would be happy to recommend for you 18 unavailable options for housing in the greater San Diego area if you're interested.
-taboggle!!!!!
-Tanner's kid is having a fabulous time in Boystown with Kellen. He buys his underwear at Target.
-Buncha annoying crackers and dolphin rapists in here.
-After 1300 pages I thought we were finally discussing something applicable to my life, but it seems horchata is not something available on backpage.com
-Lambskin likes to put it and honey on his junk for masturbation purposes
-One of Abe's buddies hired a hooker to come to his friend's house for their NYE party. The vest says she was awesome.
-Chicken and dumplings are now a superfood. There are also worse places to make your assets sweat.
-RIP Grandma Limp
-Ignoramus' doctor measured twice and snipped once
-Kev consumed Vegas like he was auditioning for the role of shuke in Eat-Off: The Movie, then gained 15 lbs from drinking a bottle of Dasani
-Lambskin's planning to cornhole the whole thread. There should be a meeting invite on your clock.
-krista must be getting poor. Her latest home purchase required selling both her cars.
-YRS' cat puked up the national championship, so she got drunk, played video games, and made crock pot chicken
-Redwang Longdeferens is only slightly less potent than GM. Turns out you can't get pregnant doing buttstuff
-fish spent some time wooing the mother of one of Tanner's students. When a Jehovah's Witness knocked on his door, he went back door and got her shunned. He has since moved on to eating the cake of Marie Antoinuts
-Perfect Decomposition is the name of Idiot Boxer's David Bowie tribute band
-SLB of the future sent you a Christmas card tomorrow
-It snowed some places. Apparently.
-Kids are the worst. Next to cancer. And cholera. And Jenny McCarthy. And coaching kids. And home brewing. And wives. And 4Runners. And Thailand. And Jay Cutler. But mostly kids.
-Speaking of home brewing, stores are apparently experiencing a beer shortage. I'm willing to trade some boxes of mini Eggo waffles for a case
-FDAS wants to put his sausage in your mouth
-"Don't forget the coffee."
-Ninja caught brain AIDS from a ladyboy (Medical Code: OH!)
-Abe got divorced from a crazy/sane woman and then disappeared. But I only THINK I know both of those. I think.
-GM the silent auctioneer is the white truffle of Malawi
-nobody's seen Tiger Fan
-Tanner's marrying rednecks
-Tre is clergy and apparently no longer an alcoholic
-fish is practically married to a French whore
-bentley is getting some trim
-uruk did underwhelming but unspeakable things to a Christian with good boobs. Probably a woman, but unconfirmed.
-Limp wants us to believe he's somebody's reliable friend.
-aunt krista wants to get her nephew laid, but only in a museum or park
-Grove needs some tpws
-bostonfred knows what all the teenagers like.
-next week is rodeo lessons at the English Tea and Scone fundraiser for Rheumatoid Arthritis, so count krista out for anything you might be planning that day
-We're all amateur drunks with war hero relatives. Except the guys in Austin. They do it professionally and/or are full-blown alcoholics. fish does it like Maurice Clarett
-'Hack is now getting paid to get other people high
-bueno's back and you're gonna be in trouble (Hey-la)
-Despite being bad in bed, Abe still got divorced. I think
-GM grew a mullet and got a new job as a silent auctioneer. You can find him on Twitter @Auctionearless
-Grove could use some thoprawishes. Don't text them to him while driving
-Lots of people have wives who are late for ####
-My Wife Is Late is the name of my General Malaise cover band and soon-to-be-released pamphlet extolling the virtues of the rhythm method
-mr krista only takes Tijuana showers now
-You missed National Wine Day. Or, more likely, you missed us observing National Wine Day
-Mark Davis is either insane or completely awesome
-If you have boobs, Uruk will take you to Belize
-ninja's having another kid. We don't think it's yours.
-Why does Miss Piggy ##### with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
-Hold the door
-shuke gulped down a Tito's bottle full of water
-Da Raiders looks like late stages, cover of SI Lyle Alzado
-fish has enunciation issues and is either using PEDs or lying to us about sechs with a 22 year old. Either way, more of you should follow his lead.
-Abe intentionally watched a ####ty movie (I'm completely guessing on this one)
-Something is apparently wrong with being a Norah Jones fan. I have no idea what. My wife loves when she sings that song Satellite.
-Hawks isn't fat
-cos and GM are seeking couples counseling because cos called GM's magic football league ugly and quit his local parent of twins group or something. I don't know.
-There are more closet Cubs "fans" than there are politicians unqualified to be President
-Somebody hates their job a lot. Probably.
-Bentley had some drinks with inappropriately young and attractive people
-Uruk banged two other guys, I'm assuming. 'Cause WHY THE HELL ELSE WOULD YOU FAIL TO PROVIDE SUFFICIENT DETAILS ABOUT YOUR THREESOME WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE?
-I know exactly why I yelled that time.
-Homer's now the sober guy drinking a Fresca. No idea if that means age-appropriate women or not.
-krista is embarrassed that her co-workers know she poops a lot
-Cheers is a national treasure, so go bruise your cucumber on the hook of a gropey pirate, you ignorant lout
-Tamaleguy really is pretty fantastic. Though "I was drunk" covers every tamale experience, so who knows, really.
-Vipul and beekeeper accountants, honey
-RC94 enjoyed some fingerfries without chopsticks. Not a euphemism.
-Mr. K4's sausage is available to anyone who would like a taste. If he needs more, he should consider contacting FDAS.
-Give me a B. Give me a U. Give me an L. Give me an L. Give me a Dolls, 'cause I'm already tired of typing individual letters. Go Bulldolls!
-YOU'RE IN ITALY! WTF ARE YOU DOING POSTING HERE?
-Short and Curly Ribs would have been the winner imo
