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Nephew's Destination Wedding - Am I obligated to go? (1 Viewer)

Godsbrother

Godsbrother

Footballguy
So my nephew (brother's son) is getting married at an all-inclusive near Cancun in October and my wife and I are invited.   I have three brothers and two sisters also invited and from what I hear they are planning on going.

I don't want to go for a variety of reasons, the biggest being that my elderly parents (88, 92) have health issues and aren't able to attend.  I am very concerned about all of us kids being out of the country at the same time. 

As I see it my options are either to call my brother and explain my concerns and tell him that we will not be attending but then send a very generous gift  -OR- go to the wedding with my wife and hope nothing happens with my parents while we are in Mexico.

I won't lie that part of the reason that I don't want to go is that my wife and I vacationed at an-all inclusive in Riveria Maya less than a year ago and vowed we wouldn't go back (beach stunk and we both got sick).  Also I have priced out the wedding trip and the cost will be roughly $2,000 coming in on Friday and leaving Sunday morning.  Add a wedding gift and incidentals and we are looking at $2,500 for 2 nights and 1 full day which is pretty steep.

So I am between a rock and a hard place.  On one hand I don't want to offend my brother and his wife but I really am concerned about leaving my Mom & Dad without any help if they need it and shelling out $2,500 for a very short trip to a place I don't want to go does not thrill me.

Right now I am leaning towards declining the invitation and if get the sense that my brother or his wife are pissed then I'll go to the wedding by myself which would leave my wife home if anything happens to Mom & Dad.  

Thoughts?

 
People who have destination weddings know they are not getting everyone to come. If they cared, they wouldnt have one

Dont go and dont give it a second thought

 
AcerFC said:
People who have destination weddings know they are not getting everyone to come. If they cared, they wouldnt have one

Dont go and dont give it a second thought
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Yeah, I don't think it's something to even be concerned about. There won't be any hurt feelings if you don't go.

eta: I guess I should say that there shouldn't be any hurt feelings. If there are, it's not your fault.

 
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Thanks that was my initial thought.   One possible issue is that 5 years ago I went to Florida for another brother's kid's destination wedding.  The circumstances were a little different in that my parents were in a better placed physically and my wife and I traveled with them and handled wheelchairs, etc.

 
#### destination weddings.  They're just trying to save money on the honeymoon.  Tell the nephew to pound sand and enjoy the ####ty beach and getting sick.

 
I have no problem with destination weddings.  It's their day and do whatever you want -- just don't be offended when people balk at going.   Personally I don't understand the logic though -- why the heck do want all of these people on your honeymoon?

 
Godsbrother said:
I have no problem with destination weddings.  It's their day and do whatever you want -- just don't be offended when people balk at going.   Personally I don't understand the logic though -- why the heck do want all of these people on your honeymoon?
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Because they're cheap, self-absorbed douchebags!

 
My brother had a destination wedding in Hawaii.  He was pretty pissed when I didn't go, but I was broke, had a 1 1/2 month old baby, and was up to my eye balls in debt at the time.  I never thought it was that big of a deal not to go given my situation, but he held it over my head for years.  We're not so close anymore...

 
Bull Dozier said:
My brother had a destination wedding in Hawaii.  He was pretty pissed when I didn't go, but I was broke, had a 1 1/2 month old baby, and was up to my eye balls in debt at the time.  I never thought it was that big of a deal not to go given my situation, but he held it over my head for years.  We're not so close anymore...
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Yeah this is what I am afraid of.  The fact that I would be the only sibling not there does not make me look good but I really do think someone should be home for Mom & Dad.  The thing is that my nephew has elderly grandparents on both sides that would have been able to attend if it were local but there is no way they can travel to Mexico.

I really doubt that my nephew really cares if I go or not though -- it is my brother and his wife that I think will be offended.  

 
I agree with most in here - I have four kids and will discourage them from having destination weddings and will make it clear to them that if they choose to do it I will also discourage folks from attending unless they are financially able and have no other commitments. If you want to get married in some remote location and also have people attend your wedding then just have a small ceremony after you get back.

 
My niece who lives 10 miles from us was married last summer and my 2 daughters were in the wedding.   We get the invite and her wedding is a destination wedding in New Orleans and said    "Fly in Thursday and we will have dinner and party in the French Quarter.  Friday will be rehearsal dinner....then we went out after. Saturday was the wedding and then we all had brunch Sunday morning before flying out.

So I had to get 2 rooms at 275.00 a room so everybody had room to get ready, 4 flights was around 2 grand, taxis, And spent at least another grand going out.  So her destination wedding cost me around 5 grand.

I think they invited around 100 people and only 50 or so showed up.   My BIL is loaded on his own and just inherited a ton 2 years ago when his dad passed....he was #####ing about the "cheap asses" who did not show.

 
Da Guru said:
My niece who lives 10 miles from us was married last summer and my 2 daughters were in the wedding.   We get the invite and her wedding is a destination wedding in New Orleans and said    "Fly in Thursday and we will have dinner and party in the French Quarter.  Friday will be rehearsal dinner....then we went out after. Saturday was the wedding and then we all had brunch Sunday morning before flying out.

So I had to get 2 rooms at 275.00 a room so everybody had room to get ready, 4 flights was around 2 grand, taxis, And spent at least another grand going out.  So her destination wedding cost me around 5 grand.

I think they invited around 100 people and only 50 or so showed up.   My BIL is loaded on his own and just inherited a ton 2 years ago when his dad passed....he was #####ing about the "cheap asses" who did not show.
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No offense but your BIL sounds like an ###.

 
We had a destination wedding. Certainly wouldnt expect uncles, aunts, cousins etc to come. Didnt even invite them. Just us and invited our parents and siblings. Her parents and sister went as well as one aunt who wanted a vacation. We paid for the house we stayed at, they just paid their airfare. My parents couldnt come. No hard feelings at all. You wanna do something like that, its for your own self benefit and youve got to be 100% ok if nobody goes. 

 
He is your brother.. call him and talk it through with him.  Communication will alleviate any hurt feelings... or at least identify the hurt feelings and you can adjust if needed.

Assuming you talk.. I doubt there are any issues. :thumbup:

 
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Godsbrother said:
Yeah this is what I am afraid of.  The fact that I would be the only sibling not there does not make me look good but I really do think someone should be home for Mom & Dad.  The thing is that my nephew has elderly grandparents on both sides that would have been able to attend if it were local but there is no way they can travel to Mexico.

I really doubt that my nephew really cares if I go or not though -- it is my brother and his wife that I think will be offended.  
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I have no idea how close you are with your brother.  I was pretty close with my brother at the time he got married, but in reality, this was just a sign of things to come.  Over the years I realized just what a dooshnozzle my brother is.  Had I that realization at the time, I would have told him to go pound the sand on that Hawaiian beach brohan.  I sure am glad now I didn't go into debt and have to pay for that trip for years afterward.

 
Da Guru said:
My niece who lives 10 miles from us was married last summer and my 2 daughters were in the wedding.   We get the invite and her wedding is a destination wedding in New Orleans and said    "Fly in Thursday and we will have dinner and party in the French Quarter.  Friday will be rehearsal dinner....then we went out after. Saturday was the wedding and then we all had brunch Sunday morning before flying out.

So I had to get 2 rooms at 275.00 a room so everybody had room to get ready, 4 flights was around 2 grand, taxis, And spent at least another grand going out.  So her destination wedding cost me around 5 grand.

I think they invited around 100 people and only 50 or so showed up.   My BIL is loaded on his own and just inherited a ton 2 years ago when his dad passed....he was #####ing about the "cheap asses" who did not show.
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The way a destination wedding is supposed to be done ... the bride's family or the bride & groom (whoever is throwing the wedding) is supposed to pay for ALL travel & accomodations for ALL guests**. Don't have 7 figures laying around to pay for all that? Then you can't afford a destination wedding.

The trick is that destination weddings are supposed to have a much smaller guest list than a close-to-home wedding -- and the wedding "throwers" pay for ALL of them. Really, it's parents and siblings, very close lifelong friends and not much more. You can't reasonably expect a church-wedding crowd of regular folks to all pay their own international air fare, hotels, etc. For many, the burden is too much ... even for people who are not living in cardboard boxes. Really, you've got to be well above middle class for that kind of thing to be no sweat at all.

Some of the unwritten rules can be bent depending on just how "destination" the destination wedding is. You're all from New England, and your having the wedding on Martha's Vineyard? People can make a day trip, and take/leave the overnight accomodations as they please? That's one thing. Your people are all in the US, you're having your wedding in Bali, and you're pissed when your middle-class family barely makes a showing? Well, what did you expect?

** ask any Indian folks you know that may have had traditional Hindu ceremonies in the U.S. The bride's family saves for the wedding like they're saving for three Ivy League college educations. They fly EVERYONE who matters in from India or wherever. They rent out half of a sizeable but "cheapish" hotel like a Raddison, and pay for all that, too. No guest pays a dime. This is the cultural ideal, of course, and not every family can swing it.

 
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Expecting a family to spend an amount of money that may otherwise be their yearly family vacation nut on your wedding is beyond selfish.  I had a sister who was going to have a destination wedding.  I basically told her that I loved her and would love to be at her wedding but I wasn't going to cancel my families vacation that year so I could afford to fly us all to a place we hated and spend half as much time there because she didn't want to get married at home.  I guess enough people basically told her the same thing and they ended up cancelling and having a wedding at home.  Which ended up being an awesome wedding BTW.

If she went forward with it I wouldn't have begrudged her.  It's her wedding and she should do what makes her happy.  However, I wouldn't have put up with any nonsense like someone giving me a hard time or calling me cheap. It's a lot of money for us and expecting everyone to shell that out is pretty ridiculous.  In the end I probably would have gone but I would have gone by myself.  Flown in, gone to the ceremony, and flown back.

I lived 3k miles away from my family when I got married.  I told everyone that I would love to see them but that I wasn't expecting anyone to feel like they had to come out.  In addition, a week after the wedding we flew home and had an East Coast reception for all of our friends and family back home.  My parents, 2 of my 5 sisters, and a couple friends flew out. I was really touched that people felt it was important enough and used their time and money to attend.  I thanked them and was very appreciative, but it was never expected.

 
BroadwayG said:
Skype with them during the ceremony.
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When I first read this suggestion, I thought it risked going over poorly when proposed. However ... on second thought, Skype would be a great way for Godbrother's parents to be able to see everything live, and perhaps feel like they'd participated.

 
Just got this email from my brother:

Hi Everyone,
 
As you probably have heard by now, XXX and YYY are getting married in Mexico. All of your kids are invited.
Can you please email the addresses for your kids to me and I will forward them to XXX .........ASAP!!!!
 
XXX has asked me to let you know that the children are not going to be able to attend the wedding or reception. Adults only.  There is a babysitting service offered if your kids decide to bring their little ones for the time they want to spend at the resort other than the wedding and reception.

The resort website is www.finestresorts.com  it is brand new and is beautiful.  Check it out!  It is an all inclusive resort.   XXX and YYY will provide booking and other info. with the "save the date" info that will be sent out shortly.
 
Thanks Guys, I am looking forward to seeing all of you there.
 
Love to All,
 
ZZZ
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There is no way any of my (adult) kids are going to be able to go but I'll send their email addresses as requested.  Not sure if I should just tell him in the email that I'm not planning on attending.

 
Doug B said:
When I first read this suggestion, I thought it risked going over poorly when proposed. However ... on second thought, Skype would be a great way for Godbrother's parents to be able to see everything live, and perhaps feel like they'd participated.
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This would be cool.  I wonder what kind of difficulties it would be to do this from Mexico.  I suppose if the resort has wifi then it should work...

 
Meh.  Bunch of dirty hippie Jewish Communists.  It'll probably break out into a Feel The Bern rally.

 
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Doug B said:
When I first read this suggestion, I thought it risked going over poorly when proposed. However ... on second thought, Skype would be a great way for Godbrother's parents to be able to see everything live, and perhaps feel like they'd participated.
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You'd think Godsbrother could come how it's something creative like teleportation.

 
You are never truly obligated to do anything....especially if it means several thousand in coin out of your own pocket(whether you can afford such or not is irrelevant).

If they wanted the entire family FOR SURE to be at the wedding, they wouldn't have it 3500 miles away. I expect they'll understand why you're not going given the reasons you mentioned up top.

 
Godsbrother said:
I have no problem with destination weddings.  It's their day and do whatever you want -- just don't be offended when people balk at going.   Personally I don't understand the logic though -- why the heck do want all of these people on your honeymoon?
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We had a destination wedding probably not far from where this one is...about 20 mins south of Cancun in Riviera Maya. We were 1000% cool with anyone who couldn't come because of money, work, just not wanting to go, whatever. We didn't ask for reasons.

What I'd be more annoyed about is the whole not allowing kids at the wedding ceremony or the reception...that's a bunch of bull#### and kind of sounds like an un-vitation to your kids with their kids. Maybe I'd understand not having kids for the ceremony as it can get a little chaotic especially if it's on the beach and you have the ocean there. No one wants to worry about chasing a kid down from trying to run into the water. But if you're inviting family to your wedding, and they're putting in all the effort and money to come there, to say their kids need to be locked away for like 8 hours is crazy.

We had a couple babysitters on hand during our ceremony in case they were needed (they weren't) and also paid for them to stay with the kids later at night if the parents were ready to put them to bed and go back to the party (3 families used them, one didn't). I couldn't imagine having none of our nieces/nephews at the party. 

As for the honeymoon thing, I'm not sure if most people do this or not, but we got married on a Friday, spent Saturday with everyone, and then on Sunday we went about an hour south to Tulum for the week (about half the people left that Sunday, the rest spent a couple extra days). Then we went to Italy for our honeymoon another time. 

 
I should also add...if you say no to going to a destination wedding, and someone gets pissed at you for it, you'll never get a better justification for any decision you've made. 

 
Godsbrother said:
Just got this email from my brother:

There is no way any of my (adult) kids are going to be able to go but I'll send their email addresses as requested.  Not sure if I should just tell him in the email that I'm not planning on attending.
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That's a crappy email.

 
AAABatteries said:
I agree with most in here - I have four kids and will discourage them from having destination weddings and will make it clear to them that if they choose to do it I will also discourage folks from attending unless they are financially able and have no other commitments. If you want to get married in some remote location and also have people attend your wedding then just have a small ceremony after you get back.
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Have you asked your brother his thoughts?

 
My friend got married in Mexico.  He made the decision easy--he just reserved almost the entire hotel for a week and covered everything.  My room was $2k/night.  Unbelievably generous.

 
Godsbrother said:
This would be cool.  I wonder what kind of difficulties it would be to do this from Mexico.  I suppose if the resort has wifi then it should work...
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Another suggestion...there's a good chance your nephew isn't even getting legally married in Mexico. There are requirements that you need to go through that a lot of people don't want to...being in the country for a minimum number of days beforehand, needing to go for a blood test and waiting for results and the okay, etc. So they're probably taking care of the legal side of it either before they head down or after they come back. I actually know people who have gotten married in this country who have been legally married for a few days before their actual wedding.

If they're doing something similar (and you stay on good terms after you tell them you're not coming), even if it's just a court house thing, maybe you and your parents can take them to lunch/dinner or something to celebrate afterwards. My wife's grandparents were in their early 90s/late 80s and couldn't come to ours. We set up a Jewish ceremony (complete with a friggin altar/"chuppah") inside their small NYC apartment a week before the wedding where a rabbi legally married us. Just us, them, the rabbi and one friend of mine (needed a non-blood witness). It meant a lot to them that we involved them so much when they couldn't be in Mexico. My buddy took pictures as the ceremony went on, we put together an album just for them. It was really cool. 

 
I thought the whole point of destination weddings was to get people not to come.

A couple years ago I went to a destination wedding at an expensive riviera maya all inclusive. The beach was blocked off by massive  concrete bunkers to control the waves  and the restaurants were fancy on the surface but the food itself was terrible. Not as in bad for the price but straight up terrible. I was sent back to my room to put on dress shoes so I could enter a restaurant where I was served nickle-sized leathery scallops that were harder to chew than an eraser. From my room I could see groups of seniors doing water aerobics in the pool. It was like living a never-ending Dirty Dancing sequel. Employees literally stalked us and chased us down to make us sign up for activities. They wouldn't take no for an answer. It was terrifying. Not to mention there was nothing Mexican about the place. Could have been anywhere in the world. Never again.

 
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No need to call your brother or make a big deal about it. Just tell the nephew that you won't be able to make it but you hope they have a great time, blah blah blah.

 
mrip541 said:
I thought the whole point of destination weddings was to get people not to come.

A couple years ago I went to a destination wedding at an expensive riviera maya all inclusive. The beach was blocked off by massive  concrete bunkers to control the waves  and the restaurants were fancy on the surface but the food itself was terrible. Not as in bad for the price but straight up terrible. I was sent back to my room to put on dress shoes so I could enter a restaurant where I was served nickle-sized leathery scallops that were harder to chew than an eraser. From my room I could see groups of seniors doing water aerobics in the pool. It was like living a never-ending Dirty Dancing sequel. Employees literally stalked us and chased us down to make us sign up for activities. They wouldn't take no for an answer. It was terrifying. Not to mention there was nothing Mexican about the place. Could have been anywhere in the world. Never again.
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This was our experience when we went there last spring.  The best two days of the vacation was when we went outside of the all-inclusive and actually saw a little of Mexico.  My wife and I both agreed that once was enough...   and now this!

 
chet said:
My friend got married in Mexico.  He made the decision easy--he just reserved almost the entire hotel for a week and covered everything.  My room was $2k/night.  Unbelievably generous.
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Hard to swing, but this is the way it's done.

 
Since he is looking for a reply with my kid's email I was thinking of sending this.  Do I come off as a richard:

Hi ZZZ,

First of all congratulations to XXX and YYY!  It is great the two of them have found each other and I am sure they will be very happy together.

I've looked over the wedding information and the place looks beautiful but unfortunately I am not sure that GodsBrothersWife and I will be attending.   I may be overly cautious but I have a big concern about all of us being out of the country at the same time and leaving Mom & Dad without help.   I realize that it would only be for three or four days but I would feel terrible if something happened and at least one of us was not here.

We just recently took a vacation and I purposely scheduled it for a time when you and (my other two brothers) were in town just to make sure there would be help for Mom & Dad if they needed it.  

I know that we went to (another nephew's wedding in Florida) a few years ago but the situation was a little different as we were able to take Mom & Dad on the flight with us.  If Dad's health was better and he was able to travel with us then there would be no question that we would be there.

I hope that you understand my concern and don't take offense if we are unable to attend the wedding.  The last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt your, (his wife) or XXX's feelings.   One thing that I think might be cool would be to have someone attending the wedding to Skype the ceremony.  That way we could arrange for Mom & Dad to see everything live. I am not sure if that is feasible or not but if we could set that up I am sure they would very enjoy that very much.

In any case please express my gratitude to XXX and YYY for inviting us and let them know they will be in our thoughts on their wedding day.   I am sure you will all have a wonderful time and will have lots of pictures for us to see when you get back.

Love ya,

Godsbrother

PS:

Here are (my kids) email addresses.  I am sure they will be honored to be invited but I suspect the cost of the trip might be out of their reach financially. 

 
Way too much underlying passive-aggressive drama in that email. Basically you're accusing everyone of being selfish for abandoning your parents.

 
berndog said:
You come off

You come off as a Richard the minute you send an email rather than calling him and discussing.
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Not sure if I'd go that far, but in this age where everything written gets dissected, I agree it's not worth it. Just call him up and say "Hey nephew, congrats on the wedding. Unfortunately we won't be able to make it but wish you all the best." If he presses for a reason, just say it's not a good time for you and your wife to leave the country and you also want to be local in case something happens with your parents. If he pushes beyond that, he's the RIchard. 

 
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