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Going to a boozy lunch today; which joke should I tell?


Which is the funniest joke?  

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1) An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." 

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You #### her again."

 

2) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" 

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

 

3) A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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1) An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the

3 guys are hiking in the woods.  One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first

A penguin was driving along a country road when smoke started coming out from under the hood. Luckily there was a town 2 miles ahead. He was able to limp along and pull into a gas station where there

4 minutes ago, JuniorGong said:

2 and 3 are the most misogynistic so I would go with one of them, I’m sure that will play well with the company I suspect you will be in.

And we found the Antifa member.  Who are you again?

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A penguin was driving along a country road when smoke started coming out from under the hood. Luckily there was a town 2 miles ahead. He was able to limp along and pull into a gas station where there was also a mechanic. The mechanic said it would take about an hour to inspect the car and figure out what was wrong.

The penguin was starving and asked if there was anywhere he could get a bit to eat, preferably seafood since duh he's a penguin. The mechanic pointed up the street and said there was a diner a few blocks away that has a pretty good fish fry.

After hammering some lunch the penguin went back to the mechanic to see what was wrong with his car.

The mechanic said "Well, it looks like you blew a seal"

The penguin wiped his beak and said "Oh sorry, no that's just tartar sauce"

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3 minutes ago, strykerpks said:

A penguin was driving along a country road when smoke started coming out from under the hood. Luckily there was a town 2 miles ahead. He was able to limp along and pull into a gas station where there was also a mechanic. The mechanic said it would take about an hour to inspect the car and figure out what was wrong.

The penguin was starving and asked if there was anywhere he could get a bit to eat, preferably seafood since duh he's a penguin. The mechanic pointed up the street and said there was a diner a few blocks away that has a pretty good fish fry.

After hammering some lunch the penguin went back to the mechanic to see what was wrong with his car.

The mechanic said "Well, it looks like you blew a seal"

The penguin wiped his beak and said "Oh sorry, no that's just tartar sauce"

Ive always heard it with ice cream 

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A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new. He tells the guy next to him “I puked on my shirt again, my wife is going to kill me” Guy tells him not to worry, just say someone else at the bar puked on you and they gave you $10 to cover the cleaning bill.

Drunk goes home, wife is pissed but he tells her the story about someone else doing it and giving him $10 to clean the shirt.

Wife reaches in his pants and pulls out $20 and says “I thought you said he gave you $10?”

Drunk replies “Yeah, he also #### in my pants”

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1 hour ago, JuniorGong said:

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new. He tells the guy next to him “I puked on my shirt again, my wife is going to kill me” Guy tells him not to worry, just say someone else at the bar puked on you and they gave you $10 to cover the cleaning bill.

Drunk goes home, wife is pissed but he tells her the story about someone else doing it and giving him $10 to clean the shirt.

Wife reaches in his pants and pulls out $20 and says “I thought you said he gave you $10?”

Drunk replies “Yeah, he also #### in my pants”

:sleep:

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2 hours ago, bostonfred said:

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, help, something is happening to me.  I seem to have grown five penises."

Skeptical, the doctor looks him up and down and says, "How do your pants fit, then?" 

"Like a glove"

Like a glove, Coral

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How about a riddle.

A woman brings her husband to the doctor.

 

The woman explains, "My husband has not spoken for 5 years. For the first 22 years I knew him he never had an issue like this and then suddenly, one day, he could not speak. It's not that he doesn't want to speak, it's that he can't speak. He can't speak to his friends, his children or anyone else. I've tried everything but nothing will make him speak."

 

The doctor asks the man if what his wife says is true. The man nods sadly. The doctor examines the man and finds nothing abnormal. The doctor asks the couple if anything traumatic happened around the time he stopped speaking. His wife says no and the husband shakes his head no. "Absolutely nothing happened that we can think of that could have caused this," the wife says.

 

The doctor thinks for a minute, leaves the room and returns with a hammer. "I want you to put your hand on the desk," the doctor says. The man puts his hand on the desk. The doctor grabs his wrist, making sure the man can't move his hand. "If you don't tell me 'NO' on the count of three I am going to smash your hand with this hammer." The man begins to tremble. "ONE!" The man is turning read and trying to get the word out of his mouth. "TWO!" The man is sweating, shaking and trying everything he can to speak."THREE!" The doctor slams the hammer down on the desk about six inches to the right of the mans hand. He lets go of the mans wrist. The man exhales and collapses into a chair. The man was not able to speak.

 

The doctor is perplexed. "Well, I don't have an explanation. I don't believe you're faking it, the hammer test proved that. I've never seen anything like this." The man is dejected. His wife comforts him and thanks the doctor for his time. They turn to leave the office and the doctor stops them. "Wait a second," the doctor asks. He runs to his desk and writes something on a piece of paper. He picks the paper up and excitedly hands it to the man who reads it. His eyes get big. He looks at the doctor and sound begins to emerge from his throat. The man's vocal chords awaken, "uhhhhhooooohhhh my goodness!  I can speak!  Honey, I can speak!" His wife, now in tears, embraces him. She hugs and thanks the doctor as does her husband. "I'll never be able to thank you enough, doctor." The happy couple leave the office and live happily ever after.

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3 guys are hiking in the woods.  One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I ####ed up."

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#3 punchline is telegraphed.

#1 is probably the funniest, but also the easiest to mess up in person, it's long and has details in it that, while not necessary to memorize, make the joke better.  If you fumble through that part, it will neuter the joke.

I would go #2.

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4 minutes ago, Dan Lambskin said:

3 guys are hiking in the woods.  One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I ####ed up."

:lmao:

Never heard this one before.  I love the misdirection.  It's kind of long, but pays off at the end, IMO.  But, my sense of humor is weird.

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2 hours ago, Leroy Hoard said:

one for your or Homer's next PTA meeting

Q:  What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

A: There are 20 of them.

Something something . . . presumptuous . . . something . . .  "that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old." 

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16 minutes ago, Evilgrin 72 said:

:lmao:

Never heard this one before.  I love the misdirection.  It's kind of long, but pays off at the end, IMO.  But, my sense of humor is weird.

Someone posted it awhile back, maybe in GMTAN.  I think @shuke may have even done a video of it

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2 hours ago, Leroy Hoard said:

one for your or Homer's next PTA meeting

Q:  What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

A: There are 20 of them.

Mods please delete if this crosses a line

Roy Moore:  “what’s the best thing about showering with a 16 year old?  They look 14 when you slick their hair back”

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1 minute ago, AAABatteries said:

Mods please delete if this crosses a line

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Roy Moore:  “what’s the best thing about showering with a 16 year old?  They look 14 when you slick their hair back”

 

yeah, nothing wrong with that one. 

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4 minutes ago, AAABatteries said:

Mods please delete if this crosses a line

 

  Hide contents

Roy Moore:  “what’s the best thing about showering with a 16 year old?  They look 14 when you slick their hair back”

 

Actually a tamer version than when I first heard that one 

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39 minutes ago, Dan Lambskin said:


Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

 

Wasted wish - the $100 Billion he got in the first wish already accomplishes this.

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46 minutes ago, Dan Lambskin said:

3 guys are hiking in the woods.  One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I ####ed up."

I'm not sure why but I keep reading this one and cracking up.

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48 minutes ago, Dan Lambskin said:

3 guys are hiking in the woods.  One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I ####ed up."

:lmao:

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5 minutes ago, Walking Boot said:

Go to dirty joke:

A depressed young woman is standing on top of a bridge, looking down and contemplating suicide. Just as she makes up her mind to jump and starts climbing over the edge, a filthy homeless man walks up to her. "Wait! What are you doing?" he asks. "My boyfriend broke up with me, I just lost my job, I'm going to kill myself!" she says. "Wait, wait!" the homeless guy says... "If you don't mind, first would you please have sex with me?" The woman gives him a nasty look. "Ugh! No way, you're disgusting and that's gross. I'd never!"  The homeless guy shrugs and say "OK, fine, whatever," and starts walking away and off the bridge. The woman calls out, "Hold on, aren't you going to try to talk me out of suicide at least? Tell me I have a lot to live for? Something?" The homeless guy turns back around and says "Nah, if I hurry down to the bottom, you'll still be warm."

:lmao::lmao:

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While we're on a sad lonely women by water trend....

A sad, lonely woman gazes sorrowfully out at the ocean from her wheelchair on the beach. A man walks by and asks her what is the matter. The woman spins her yarn of depressing solitude and emptiness brought on by her life confined in her chair, ending with the fact that she's never even felt a man's warm embrace. The man puts down his gear, wraps his arms around the stranger and gives her an extended, Jessepian-like hug. Satisfied with his good deed the man picks up his things and starts home, only to be stopped shortly by a long sigh from the woman.

After again inquiring what is the matter, the woman replies "Well, I've never been kissed either". The man again puts down his gear, grabs her by the shoulders and plants one right on her kisser. Picking up his gear yet again the now slightly aggravated man starts off, only to be stopped yet again by a long sigh and now, a whimper.

What now? says the man. The woman responds, "Well, I've never been f*&%$#d either". To which the man puts down his gear, picks up the woman and wheelchair and throws her into the ocean.

"There - now you're f*&$#@#"

 

 

 

 

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