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Looking for advice concerning a problem between friends.


RokNRole

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I’ve stated recently I’ve made some good friends that I care about a lot since moving to Texas. There are 4 of us of various personalities and ages. I’m the slight oldest. I’ll be 34 in May. The others are 33, 29 and 24. There has been a recent incident that I’ll try to explain without going in to detail.

 

The way I view these guys are like brothers, pretty sure we all sort of feel somewhat the same way, some of them have said as much and we all interact in that way. Tough on eachother but caring and friendly.

 

I’m closest in personality with the youngest. It’s always a constant sarcastic battle which I like but lately he’s been in a very bad mood and I felt like he’s been getting a little mean and not being himself. Our interactions are always humorous but competitive. We recently had a couple of verbal spats going both ways but it was forgotten and we moved on and continued as normal for a while, at least I felt I did.

 

Recently things kind of overwhelmed me mentally, mostly because I care about him and I was kind of dissapointed in the way he was acting lately and I started to get a little concerned he wasn’t who I thought he was. I expressed my feelings with him and only him a couple days ago. In a way I’m sure was hurtful but I only said what I said because I cared about him. It kind of just built up a while and came out in the most constructive way possible.

 

I find out today he told one of the other mutual friends ( presumably the fourth and probably other people that we mutually know). The friend he told contacted me today , at first very angry, but I calmed him down basically by telling him “ what I said to him was between him and I. I had no intention of getting anyone else involved and frankly it’s nobody else’s business but me and him. You have no reason to be angry at me when it doesn’t concern you. What he told you was a little inaccurate . It’s entirely possible I’m wrong but it’s between us, not you”.

We had plans to meet that night which he wanted to cancel because he was upset about what I said. He relented and said “ let’s get together and talk about what happened”

i replied. “ I’d rather not. Anything between us and my feelings are not something I feel like sharing with you guys. It’s between us”

 

He understood and we are still getting together tomorrow night. My main concern is that me and the friend he told had recently been discussing a collaborative effort ( the children’s book illustrations) and I have been concerned about the youngest guys reaction. Prior to the beef he knew me and the guy he complained to were helping eachother.

 

” If he had a problem with what I said why tell a mutual friend, likely everyone, and possibly tell him not to collaborate with me ( I don’t know if he attempted this or not). Why say nothing to me “?

 

im also concerned because the young friend is a hot head that might just fly off the handle. That worries me because if he’s that angry and won’t talk to me we might not get past this tiff. He is also the type that may want to go beyond words, which i can understand because I’m the only friend that stands up to him. I wouldn’t entertain that kind of resolution and he is a smart guy that wouldn’t push a stupid issue.

 

I have very little social experience and skills. Is this kind of problem normal among guy friends or is this teenage girl stuff?

 

 

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54 minutes ago, Megaton said:

So you said something really unkind to someone and you are upset they told someone else what a jerk you are?   Instead of trying to rationalize being a jerk maybe you should apologize.   But that is crazy talk. Do what you do. 

I think you may have misunderstood a bit. He had been being a jerk for a while so I called him on it. It’s hurtful any way you slice it.

 

If the shoe we’re on the other foot I wouldn’t be talking to others about it. At least not before confronting the person that said it.

Edited by RokNRole
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25 minutes ago, AAABatteries said:

Are you sure you aren’t 4 women?

I have been concerned about this possibility. I do care about these guys in a brotherly way but if there is going to be cattiness and backbiting I will drop whoever the culprit is. My attempts at communication are an attempt to prevent and rectify any possibility of that.

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55 minutes ago, Megaton said:

So you said something really unkind to someone and you are upset they told someone else what a jerk you are?   Instead of trying to rationalize being a jerk maybe you should apologize.   But that is crazy talk. Do what you do. 

Also... I feel bad about what I said even though I’m pretty sure most of it is accurate, but if I just apologize without anything being fleshed put then it’s not really a solution to the problem. It will continue and possibly escalate.

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Even if you're in the right (you were vague about his behavior and what you said/how you said it), he may not be mature enough to recognize it or communicate about it. You may feel your personalities are similar, but 1. It sounds like you haven't really known each other that long, and 2. You're a decade older. You probably don't communicate the same way or have the same level of self-awareness. It doesn't always come naturally to be critical of your own behavior at 24, especially if you're correct and he has some underlying issues fueling the behavior. 

Edited by ConnSKINS26
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5 hours ago, RokNRole said:

Also... I feel bad about what I said even though I’m pretty sure most of it is accurate, but if I just apologize without anything being fleshed put then it’s not really a solution to the problem. It will continue and possibly escalate.

I can't believe I'm taking this seriously.  But here goes. . . 

First:

A good rule of thumb in life is that if you don't want something repeated, you can't tell anyone.  Anyone.  Once you tell one person, it's on you if it gets back to somebody (I'm assuming what was repeated was along this lines of "person x is a _______" or "I hate when person x does ________").  Anyway, the only thing to do at this point is to own what you said, and (possibly) explain it.  Sounds like you did that.

Second:

There is way, way, WAY too much drama here for this to be healthy adult relationships. (I almost threw in the modifiers "heterosexual male" adult relationships, but there really isn't a need to go there.  Healthy women and gay men shouldn't really be acting like this either). Maybe it's time to take inventory of yourself? (and for the record, this isn't meant as an insult - I do plenty of things I'm not happy with, and I need to take inventory of my own self.  Everybody should now and then).  From the sound of your last line, it appears that you know you need to re-evaluate how you do things.

 

 

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Rok, have you ever had a successful, long-term friendship with someone based on 'competetive, humorous, sarcastic battles?' I ask because I've observed 'buddies' who have this type of relationship and it seems to me like these relationships inevitably blow up. It's usually two, insecure people, trying to outwit each other... and while it appears good natured at first it gets increasingly mean-spirited and the friendship inevitably ends or it continues on, usually because of mutual friendships, as frenemies. 

 

 

 

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