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How bad is this? (1 Viewer)

T

Tom Skerritt

Footballguy
On vacation with the family and in-laws. Everyone else is staying in vacation city for two weeks. I had to leave after one week to get back to work.

I had driven myself and 3 other kids to the vacation spot, but I was driving back solo. It is a 16-hour drive door-to-door. I left early Saturday morning around 8:00am. I had intended to stop somewhere in the 10-12 hour mark, get a hotel, and then complete the remainder of the trip on Sunday. This would get me home in the afternoon on Sunday. And I have to be up at 2:00am on Monday to go in to work.

For reasons that I will not go into other than the fact that there is a previous traumatic experience, my wife and her family were relieved that I would be getting a hotel overnight. And they would not be happy if I were to drive straight through into the night. However, I was making great time. By the time it got dark, I was less than 4 hours from home. And I felt totally fine and confident that I would make it home without any problems on my end.

Here is where I screwed up. I texted the wife and told her that I was stopping for the night. I told her that I would be getting up early Sunday morning to complete the trip, and that I may even get home before she gets up. And I continued driving. Her first reply was "If you are driving all night, I will kill you." Followed by "You are aren't you?"

It was 9:30pm, and I explained to her that I was only 3 hours from home. And then I asked "Are you mad?" I got no response.

The final 3 hours of the drive was on mostly rural highways going through several small towns. At each town, I sent a text to my wife telling her where I was... just to let her know I was okay. I sent maybe 8-10 texts of these towns, one every 30 minutes or so. And I did not get a response after any of these. When I finally arrived home around 1:00am, I texted a picture of me outside my house, and told her that I was "home, good night, and I love you!" To which she simply gave a thumbs-up in response.

I know she's upset. And I'm sure that she's more upset that I lied to her than for driving all the way home. But she would have been mad had I driven all of the way home and not lied about it too. I chose poorly. I have admitted my mistake and apologized. And I have gotten the cold shoulder ever since. 

So how bad is this? Really bad... kinda bad... meh... not bad at all... why are you such a #####?

 
E Street Brat said:
Gonna need details...
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This. The OP kinda glazes over this point but obviously it played a part in why his wife and family were adamant about him stopping to stay somewhere. My guess is that him going into detail about this event probably makes what he did look really bad. Memories of traumas can be triggered hy reoccurances of situations similar to the original trauma.

 
"Thank you for worrying about me honey, but I'm a grown ### man capable of making his own decisions. As you are a grown ### woman capable of making her own decisions, I would give you the leeway to change your mind regarding how long you felt you could safely drive. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that same leeway."

 
Socrates11 said:
"Thank you for worrying about me honey, but I'm a grown ### man capable of making his own decisions. As you are a grown ### woman capable of making her own decisions, I would give you the leeway to change your mind regarding how long you felt you could safely drive. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that same leeway."
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That totally sounds like a reasonable response to someone who apparently had experienced some sort of related traumatic experience.

 
Socrates11 said:
"Thank you for worrying about me honey, but I'm a grown ### man capable of making his own decisions. As you are a grown ### woman capable of making her own decisions, I would give you the leeway to change your mind regarding how long you felt you could safely drive. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that same leeway."
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"Have a nice season, guy."

 
Not knowing the missing piece to the puzzle , meh. But your wife has this info  when making here opinion of what you should’ve done

 
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Socrates11 said:
"Thank you for worrying about me honey, but I'm a grown ### man capable of making his own decisions. As you are a grown ### woman capable of making her own decisions, I would give you the leeway to change your mind regarding how long you felt you could safely drive. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that same leeway."
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See... this is how I feel about he whole thing. And I should have just approached it this way, though perhaps a little more delicately. I was trying to avoid an issue, but somehow created more of one.

 
Tom Skerritt said:
See... this is how I feel about he whole thing. And I should have just approached it this way, though perhaps a little more delicately. I was trying to avoid an issue, but somehow created more of one.
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The problem here isn't that you aren't being treated like a grown man.  It's that you aren't acting like one.  You lied to her to avoid conflict and then expected her to be fine with you doing whatever you wanted despite having told her you wouldn't.

 
Henry Ford said:
The problem here isn't that you aren't being treated like a grown man.  It's that you aren't acting like one.  You lied to her to avoid conflict and then expected her to be fine with you doing whatever you wanted despite having told her you wouldn't.
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I get it. It was stupid. I own it, and I apologized for it. I'm just trying to understand how bad my decision was.

 
Tom Skerritt said:
I get it. It was stupid. I own it, and I apologized for it. I'm just trying to understand how bad my decision was.
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Depends on a lot of factors.  Is this something you do regularly?  Does she have reason to believe you have cheated or will cheat?  It sows distrust.  If it's a one-off, it's not a huge deal if you can discuss it and explain why you won't do it again.  If you do this a lot, it's slowly becoming very, very bad.

 
Tom Skerritt said:
I get it. It was stupid. I own it, and I apologized for it. I'm just trying to understand how bad my decision was.
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Why are you avoiding telling us about the previous trauma? It’s obviously very pertinent to establishing “how bad” your actions are. Your original post was several paragraphs long- yet you purposely chose to conveniently leave out the most important information?

 
Tom Skerritt said:
See... this is how I feel about he whole thing. And I should have just approached it this way, though perhaps a little more delicately. I was trying to avoid an issue, but somehow created more of one.
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Would have been fine but then you lied about it so that is something else all together. 

 
jvdesigns2002 said:
Why are you avoiding telling us about the previous trauma? It’s obviously very pertinent to establishing “how bad” your actions are. Your original post was several paragraphs long- yet you purposely chose to conveniently leave out the most important information?
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:goodposting: Avoiding answering the question leads me to believe it was significant and thus makes it even worse than lying to your spouse about something non-trivial.

 
jvdesigns2002 said:
Why are you avoiding telling us about the previous trauma? It’s obviously very pertinent to establishing “how bad” your actions are. Your original post was several paragraphs long- yet you purposely chose to conveniently leave out the most important information?
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Yeah, that suggests to me that they had a family member die doing something like this.  Which would make this double plus ungood.

 
Henry Ford said:
Yeah, that suggests to me that they had a family member die doing something like this.  Which would make this double plus ungood.
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Thought it was pretty obvious without going into detail. Only thing I will say is that I have lived my life with tremendous respect for my wife, and I usually put hers and others' needs before mine. But in this case, it does bother me at times that I have to live my life a certain way because a poor decision was made by someone that I've never met. I try to be respectful, and I make tremendous sacrifices in so many areas. And one time that I would like to do something that goes against that, I am unable to do so, and I cannot win, and I cannot even argue my position. There's just something about it that does not sit very well with me.

Although between the two choices I had: 1) to just tell her that I'm driving all the way home, and 2) tell her that I'm stopping but don't actually stop... I chose the worse one. And I know that. And I apologize for it.

 
Tom Skerritt said:
 And one time that I would like to do something that goes against that, I am unable to do so, and I cannot win, and I cannot even argue my position. There's just something about it that does not sit very well with me.
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I missed where you tried to tell her your position before telling her you were doing what she wanted. I may have misread.

Telling someone your position, hearing theirs, and then saying "I understand what you're saying, but this is one of those things where it's me, my feelings about what I'm going to do, and the fact that it's important to me to get home and get to bed in my own home.  I will keep you updated and make sure you know I'm okay and you can track my progress on iphone location sharing if you need to" is reasonable.  Saying "okay, honey, I'm stopping" while knowing you won't isn't.

 
My play would have been to say I will stop when I get tired.  There is no way to know at the start of the trip how you will feel 12 hours in so things may change.  An adult conversation at the start of the trip would have alleviated the lying part if you had no intention of stopping. 

However, all that goes out of the window since this very traumatic event is still an overriding concern in all similar instances.  Without having gone through it there is no way someone can comment on the seriousness of the betrayal.  In her eyes you lied about one of the most traumatic experiences she has probably gone through.  Not good.

 
:lmao:   Texted a picture of yourself outside your house?  After texting every 30 minutes? 

Neither of you are acting like grown adults.  Stop acting like you did anything wrong and she'll get over it.

 
Galileo said:
Drive back and give her a hug
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with the kids. and then turn around and drive them back without stopping.

my wife isn't a fan of me taking any chances with the kids, even if they're not "chances" from my perspective (as I would never- like you- put your kids in harm's way)

 
Gally said:
My play would have been to say I will stop when I get tired.  There is no way to know at the start of the trip how you will feel 12 hours in so things may change.  An adult conversation at the start of the trip would have alleviated the lying part if you had no intention of stopping. 

However, all that goes out of the window since this very traumatic event is still an overriding concern in all similar instances.  Without having gone through it there is no way someone can comment on the seriousness of the betrayal.  In her eyes you lied about one of the most traumatic experiences she has probably gone through.  Not good.
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Problem is ... if it's reaching this point it could be too late.

I was in a single-vehicle accident back in 2003 where the driver fell asleep and ran off the road, killing the guy in the passenger seat.  Had I not been in a "laying down" position in the back of the extra-cab truck, I would have suffered the same fate.

 
Both of you are making a mountain out of a molehill.  You shouldn't have lied but you did and you apologized for it.  She's acting like a baby because you made an adult decision to drive all the way instead of stopping and paying for a hotel room.  

 
here is what you do brohan real quick before she gets home build an ancient japanese castle and then when she arrives you put peter ceteras glory of love on as loud as you can i mean turn it up to 11 and then you say i was wrong sato hate is wrong and then break in to a sweet drum technique not only will she forgive you she will respect you and bam that my friend is how you get to hug time take that to the bank brochacho

 
LOL that you are actually worried about this. But if you're sending texts every 30 mins and pics of you in front of the house I get you must be pretty whipped..

 
Tough to say without knowing what the traumatic experience was. If your wife lost a family member because they fell asleep at the wheel then it's probably pretty bad. Either way you were selfish and you lied to her.

Kind of reads like an old datonn post.

 
Gally said:
My play would have been to say I will stop when I get tired.  There is no way to know at the start of the trip how you will feel 12 hours in so things may change.  An adult conversation at the start of the trip would have alleviated the lying part if you had no intention of stopping. 

However, all that goes out of the window since this very traumatic event is still an overriding concern in all similar instances.  Without having gone through it there is no way someone can comment on the seriousness of the betrayal.  In her eyes you lied about one of the most traumatic experiences she has probably gone through.  Not good.
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And not just lied - placated her like a child and then did what he wanted to as though her feelings on the matter are ridiculous and not worthy of an actual conversation.  Just treated her like you would a crazy person or someone whose opinion doesn't have to be taken seriously.

 
Henry Ford said:
And not just lied - placated her like a child and then did what he wanted to as though her feelings on the matter are ridiculous and not worthy of an actual conversation.  Just treated her like you would a crazy person or someone whose opinion doesn't have to be taken seriously.
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At some point you should tell Tom how you feel about his decision.  I feel like you're holding back.

 
Henry Ford said:
And not just lied - placated her like a child and then did what he wanted to as though her feelings on the matter are ridiculous and not worthy of an actual conversation.  Just treated her like you would a crazy person or someone whose opinion doesn't have to be taken seriously.
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Hardly. And I’ve had the conversation with her many times. This was just a moment where I chose to avoid the conflict and make a decision that I know she would not be happy with should she find out about it. She called my bluff, and that’s it. I have no excuse. I don’t see it as a betrayal so much as just stupid.

Just curious though how how you would feel if your life is continually compromised because of someone you don’t know and have never met? And many decisions you must make about your life have to be made with that person in mind. And I’m okay with this. I chose this. And i make every attempt to be as respectful as i can, but sometimes it just may not work out that way for whatever reason. Not out of disrespect, but because I am my own person, and sometimes my decisions for me are going to be more important than my decisions for someone else. And when this happens, you will be the bad guy regardless of what you do. This was one of those times. And I feel awful about lying to her. I think at the time, I thought that this was my easiest option, rightly or wrongly. 

 
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