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Taking in an 18 year old (1 Viewer)

ProstheticRGK

Footballguy
So, today my wife hits me with the idea of taking in her nephew.  He just graduated this year from HS, and is planning on attending the local CC in the Fall. There has been some drama at his home- it's not a very stable environment. He needs a stable place to live, while transitioning into adulthood.

A little background: I love this kid like a son. He is an awesome young man. He got decent grades in school, played sports at a standout level in HS and has always been incredibly responsible. Self-motivated to get his license, pay for his own car and insurance, pay for his own internet at home, pay for his own phone, etc. He definitely has the characteristics of kids that come from an unstable background and end up being ultra-responsible and well-behaved.

The one caveat I have is that he seems to be floundering, a little, finding his legs now that he is graduated. We live in a small, podunk town in NorCal with not too many options. He has fallen into "hanging out" and smoking some pot and drinking beers with his buddies. I have zero issues with an 18-year-old doing those things (I did them and turned out ok) as long as you handle your responsibilities first. And, obviously, don't bring any bad influences into my house. I have a 9 yo and a very impressionable 18 yo, still in HS.

I want to give this kid support and guidance, but not be overbearingly paternalistic. What sort of ground rules best set up an environment that's good for everyone? Thoughts? Experiences?

 
Always a tricky situation but who knows maybe he will be impressionable to ypur kids in a good way.

Not too many 18 year olds are willing to pay for all that stuff on their own.

How far would his home be?

Will it cause an issue with his parents? Any animosity?

Will this now mean you have to deal with his unstable parents more?

Does he want to do this or your wife just thinking aloud?

 
He'll last 3 days eating potatoes every day at your house.
I don't share my potatoes with anyone.

Always a tricky situation but who knows maybe he will be impressionable to ypur kids in a good way.

I hope.

Not too many 18 year olds are willing to pay for all that stuff on their own.

Agreed. He is a really good kid.

How far would his home be?

15-20 minutes

Will it cause an issue with his parents? Any animosity?

Not really worried about animosity. We have good boundaries and get along well. I think they'll be ok, but not my highest priority.

Will this now mean you have to deal with his unstable parents more?

No, we still see them at family get togethers. But, not often.

Does he want to do this or your wife just thinking aloud?

He wants a place to stay. My MIL and FIL already offered, and I think another aunt might, too. We haven't broached the subject with him, yet, but I think he might choose our house for being closer to everything, and the fact that we have always been close. We almost took him in back during middle school, but, mom got her stuff together.

 
what sorts of ground rules do you have for your own 18 year old?

for your nephew i'd say, don't come home drunk, find a job to chip in for food/rent (not much but some), don't be loud and respect your aunt & uncle.

if he gets outta line, he gets whacked. 

 
Charge him room and board

Save all the money he gives you. If when he leaves (assuming on good terms) in a year or 3 give him an envelope with all the cash he has paid you.

Would make a great lesson for him and he geta his foot out the door with some cash in his pocket.

His current house doesnt seem that far away from school as it is. Is the main priority of this to get him in a structured environment?

 
what sorts of ground rules do you have for your own 18 year old?

for your nephew i'd say, don't come home drunk, find a job to chip in for food/rent (not much but some), don't be loud and respect your aunt & uncle.

if he gets outta line, he gets whacked. 
Well, the thing is him and my kid are night and day. My kid is 18, but still a Jr. in HS and emotionally, still a 14 yo. I wouldn't give my kid the same level of responsibility as I would my nephew. I pretty much think the same as you, so far as rules. But, I want to make sure I'm not missing anything as I mull this over.

 
So, today my wife hits me with the idea of taking in her nephew.  He just graduated this year from HS, and is planning on attending the local CC in the Fall. There has been some drama at his home- it's not a very stable environment. He needs a stable place to live, while transitioning into adulthood.

A little background: I love this kid like a son. He is an awesome young man. He got decent grades in school, played sports at a standout level in HS and has always been incredibly responsible. Self-motivated to get his license, pay for his own car and insurance, pay for his own internet at home, pay for his own phone, etc. He definitely has the characteristics of kids that come from an unstable background and end up being ultra-responsible and well-behaved.

The one caveat I have is that he seems to be floundering, a little, finding his legs now that he is graduated. We live in a small, podunk town in NorCal with not too many options. He has fallen into "hanging out" and smoking some pot and drinking beers with his buddies. I have zero issues with an 18-year-old doing those things (I did them and turned out ok) as long as you handle your responsibilities first. And, obviously, don't bring any bad influences into my house. I have a 9 yo and a very impressionable 18 yo, still in HS.

I want to give this kid support and guidance, but not be overbearingly paternalistic. What sort of ground rules best set up an environment that's good for everyone? Thoughts? Experiences?
Odd timing, but my 18 year old niece is moving in next week. Sound very similar. She's a great kid, but just has no idea what she wants to do with her life. My brother is moving to FL with a wife she doesn't get along with at all (trust me, that's not on my niece). My niece just doesn't have a place to live for a little while (roommate for apartment backed out). She likes to smoke pot and party as well. Though, from my perspective, the cigarette smoking is a far bigger concern. Well, trying to make sure she knows to do it outside is the concern. She's not a troubled kid, but she's an 18 year old that's been bounced around a bit and likes to party a little (nothing wrong with that). I'm excited to help, but know it won't be sunshine and roses.

Though, I don't have kids of my own. Just me, my disabled wife, and two dogs. I've been gone from my hometown where she currently lives (3.5 hours away) since I left for college in '97. My niece is awesome, but I don't know her very well. I've told her over the years that if she ever needed a place to crash and save some money, she's more than welcome up here. I never, in a million years, thought she'd hit me up for it (then my brother moving to FL happened). 

My house has a 300 sq ft. finished room in the basement with an entrance to the back patio/driveway. We don't use the room at all. Should be a nice little set-up to give her some privacy (plus a good place to smoke cigs without doing it in my basement). Of course, there's only one bathroom and it's upstairs. Trying to get a bathroom in the basement, but it ain't gonna happen anytime soon. 

She's been working at the same restaurant since she was 15, and would be a good fit to work at my restaurant, but I don't have the hours to give her (though I'd love to, if it ever became available). Currently, trying to get her pointed towards some jobs.  

This thing could go sideways for a number of reasons, but I really hope it works out. She's an awesome kid and I've never really been around as much as I'd hoped when she was young. If I can help her save some money while she's trying to figure out what she's doing with her life and be a positive influence in any way, that's pretty exciting for me. 

Good luck to you. Maybe soon, we can both be in here #####ing about the perils of taking in 18 year old nephews/nieces.

 
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Charge him room and board

Save all the money he gives you. If when he leaves (assuming on good terms) in a year or 3 give him an envelope with all the cash he has paid you.

Would make a great lesson for him and he geta his foot out the door with some cash in his pocket.

His current house doesnt seem that far away from school as it is. Is the main priority of this to get him in a structured environment?
This was exactly my plan.  :hifive:   

His folks are about to be kicked out of the place they've been staying (for free). And, his parents have been riding him about stuff, and there has been a lot of friction between them. 

 
How is your relationship with his parents?

Can you talk with them and get their side of the story? Why is there a strain between them and the kid? (Maybe the kid isn't as good of a kid as you think)

I assume the kid has a job. Has he worked out a schedule on how he's going to do work and school?

 
Allow me to offer my experience.

About 10 years ago, we allowed my wife's 20 year old brother to move in with us.  He was (is) a good kid, never in trouble, a little shy, quiet, but good heart.  He was living in a very small podunk town without much opportunity for jobs/growth, while we had a house in a large city with an extra bedroom/suite for him to stay.

We sat down and spoke with him and offered him this opportunity.  Move in with us in August.  For that month, he was to supervise/baby sit our three kids (saving us a few hundred per week in day care costs for my two youngest) and search online and locally for jobs.  He was not charged room and board for that month, but when school started, he would be charged a very nominal fee to live with us (think like $100/month or so), thus he would need to work.  We honestly thought this was a win/win.  He could definitely find a job which would hopefully grow into a career with us & get him away from the small town where he was going nowhere fast. 

Well, it started off okay the first week and things looked promising.  But it quickly deteriorated after that.  He never ended up looking for a job and could offer up every excuse in the book for not doing so.  He became unhappy because he had no friends here, which I can appreciate, but the fact he never even left the house to look for a job may have come into play here too.  He became home sick and did not like the amount of traffic we had, there were too many people everywhere and so on...  It became very stressful in our household, to the point where I paid for his ticket to go back home in mid-September.  

I guess some people are motivated by different things in life.  We were hoping to get this young man to get a life of his own, to get on his own two feet.  To meet new people, experience new places, etc..  Fast forward to now, the kid is still good, and nice enough, but still lives with his mom in the same 1 street light town.  He has been working consistently the past 5-6 years, but makes barely more than minimum wage, does not own a car, probably has less than $500 in his bank account, and could fit all of his worldly possessions in a duffel bag (which I guess could come in handy if he ever needs to go on the lam).  But, he seems happy enough, so to each their own.

I am not sure what to take out of my experience other than I would not recommend trying to change someone that does not want to change.  If you are looking to help out, make sure they are looking to be helped.  But most of all, I cannot stress the amount of friction it caused my household bringing in an adult, non-child into our home, in particular between me and my wife.  I hope you are more patient/caring/understanding than I am.

g'luck

 
How is your relationship with his parents?

Can you talk with them and get their side of the story? Why is there a strain between them and the kid? (Maybe the kid isn't as good of a kid as you think)

I assume the kid has a job. Has he worked out a schedule on how he's going to do work and school?
We get along well. I know their side of the story, already, and I know all of the history involved. I don't want to air out anyone's dirty laundry, but they're mostly upset with his "attitude", which is his being old enough to call them out on a lot of their issues. I imagine they'd actually be grateful to have him somewhere else, when all the smoke clears.

I know he's not an angel, but he is a good kid. Solid. With a really good head on his shoulders. He just needs a spot to spread his wings and some gentle guidance on how to unlock some of his potential. And, yes, he works, and is in the process of looking for a better job now that HS is over. 

 
Considering he has two stable options, why throw your hat in the ring? 
My MIL and FIL live in the boonies, about 40 minute drive from everything. And he has a gas guzzler.

The aunt has 4 kids in a 3 bedroom house. 

We have a spare room in the house. And have always had a really strong relationship with this kid. He respects us. 

 
Allow me to offer my experience.

About 10 years ago, we allowed my wife's 20 year old brother to move in with us.  He was (is) a good kid, never in trouble, a little shy, quiet, but good heart.  He was living in a very small podunk town without much opportunity for jobs/growth, while we had a house in a large city with an extra bedroom/suite for him to stay.

We sat down and spoke with him and offered him this opportunity.  Move in with us in August.  For that month, he was to supervise/baby sit our three kids (saving us a few hundred per week in day care costs for my two youngest) and search online and locally for jobs.  He was not charged room and board for that month, but when school started, he would be charged a very nominal fee to live with us (think like $100/month or so), thus he would need to work.  We honestly thought this was a win/win.  He could definitely find a job which would hopefully grow into a career with us & get him away from the small town where he was going nowhere fast. 

Well, it started off okay the first week and things looked promising.  But it quickly deteriorated after that.  He never ended up looking for a job and could offer up every excuse in the book for not doing so.  He became unhappy because he had no friends here, which I can appreciate, but the fact he never even left the house to look for a job may have come into play here too.  He became home sick and did not like the amount of traffic we had, there were too many people everywhere and so on...  It became very stressful in our household, to the point where I paid for his ticket to go back home in mid-September.  

I guess some people are motivated by different things in life.  We were hoping to get this young man to get a life of his own, to get on his own two feet.  To meet new people, experience new places, etc..  Fast forward to now, the kid is still good, and nice enough, but still lives with his mom in the same 1 street light town.  He has been working consistently the past 5-6 years, but makes barely more than minimum wage, does not own a car, probably has less than $500 in his bank account, and could fit all of his worldly possessions in a duffel bag (which I guess could come in handy if he ever needs to go on the lam).  But, he seems happy enough, so to each their own.

I am not sure what to take out of my experience other than I would not recommend trying to change someone that does not want to change.  If you are looking to help out, make sure they are looking to be helped.  But most of all, I cannot stress the amount of friction it caused my household bringing in an adult, non-child into our home, in particular between me and my wife.  I hope you are more patient/caring/understanding than I am.

g'luck
Eeesh. Sorry about your experience. I don't think my nephew is in danger of this. He is a pretty self-motivated individual. I already worry about one 18 yo failing to launch. I definitely dont want to add another. 

 
He has fallen into "hanging out" and smoking some pot and drinking beers with his buddies. I have zero issues with an 18-year-old doing those things (I did them and turned out ok) as long as you handle your responsibilities first. And, obviously, don't bring any bad influences into my house. I have a 9 yo and a very impressionable 18 yo, still in HS.
I feel I should point out that the drinking is illegal.  (I don't know what the laws on pot are where you live.)  With two "impressionable" kids, you need to make sure he understands that there is a hard boundary there.  Also, you may have liability if he continues an illegal activity under your roof.

 
I feel I should point out that the drinking is illegal.  (I don't know what the laws on pot are where you live.)  With two "impressionable" kids, you need to make sure he understands that there is a hard boundary there.  Also, you may have liability if he continues an illegal activity under your roof.
The kids are the main reason that I would hesitate from bringing in the nephew.   

 
I feel I should point out that the drinking is illegal.  (I don't know what the laws on pot are where you live.)  With two "impressionable" kids, you need to make sure he understands that there is a hard boundary there.  Also, you may have liability if he continues an illegal activity under your roof.
Yeah, I get that. In my head, I'm not overly concerned about a little beer drinking or pot smoking with an 18 yr old. But, my presentation to him will be a hard boundary. I have no desire/tolerance to get myself into trouble with liability for underage drinking or pot smoking. He is smart enough to not drive under the influence. As long as I'm not aware of it, I don't really mind if he does it. If I become aware of it- that's a problem.

 
sheesh, people acting like if/when this kid moves in he's going to be an untreatable cancer and your family and its future is already doomed

if he's a jerk, send him packing. what he does from there is up to him. get a job, move back home, get some roommates, join the military.

you people watch too many soap operas. there are more options here than "kid moves in, destroys the family, develops a heroin habit".

 
So, today my wife hits me with the idea of taking in her nephew.  He just graduated this year from HS, and is planning on attending the local CC in the Fall. There has been some drama at his home- it's not a very stable environment. He needs a stable place to live, while transitioning into adulthood.

A little background: I love this kid like a son. He is an awesome young man. He got decent grades in school, played sports at a standout level in HS and has always been incredibly responsible. Self-motivated to get his license, pay for his own car and insurance, pay for his own internet at home, pay for his own phone, etc. He definitely has the characteristics of kids that come from an unstable background and end up being ultra-responsible and well-behaved.

The one caveat I have is that he seems to be floundering, a little, finding his legs now that he is graduated. We live in a small, podunk town in NorCal with not too many options. He has fallen into "hanging out" and smoking some pot and drinking beers with his buddies. I have zero issues with an 18-year-old doing those things (I did them and turned out ok) as long as you handle your responsibilities first. And, obviously, don't bring any bad influences into my house. I have a 9 yo and a very impressionable 18 yo, still in HS.

I want to give this kid support and guidance, but not be overbearingly paternalistic. What sort of ground rules best set up an environment that's good for everyone? Thoughts? Experiences?
Good God, it's not Marysville is it?

 
Allow me to offer my experience.

About 10 years ago, we allowed my wife's 20 year old brother to move in with us.  He was (is) a good kid, never in trouble, a little shy, quiet, but good heart.  He was living in a very small podunk town without much opportunity for jobs/growth, while we had a house in a large city with an extra bedroom/suite for him to stay.

We sat down and spoke with him and offered him this opportunity.  Move in with us in August.  For that month, he was to supervise/baby sit our three kids (saving us a few hundred per week in day care costs for my two youngest) and search online and locally for jobs.  He was not charged room and board for that month, but when school started, he would be charged a very nominal fee to live with us (think like $100/month or so), thus he would need to work.  We honestly thought this was a win/win.  He could definitely find a job which would hopefully grow into a career with us & get him away from the small town where he was going nowhere fast. 

Well, it started off okay the first week and things looked promising.  But it quickly deteriorated after that.  He never ended up looking for a job and could offer up every excuse in the book for not doing so.  He became unhappy because he had no friends here, which I can appreciate, but the fact he never even left the house to look for a job may have come into play here too.  He became home sick and did not like the amount of traffic we had, there were too many people everywhere and so on...  It became very stressful in our household, to the point where I paid for his ticket to go back home in mid-September.  

I guess some people are motivated by different things in life.  We were hoping to get this young man to get a life of his own, to get on his own two feet.  To meet new people, experience new places, etc..  Fast forward to now, the kid is still good, and nice enough, but still lives with his mom in the same 1 street light town.  He has been working consistently the past 5-6 years, but makes barely more than minimum wage, does not own a car, probably has less than $500 in his bank account, and could fit all of his worldly possessions in a duffel bag (which I guess could come in handy if he ever needs to go on the lam).  But, he seems happy enough, so to each their own.

I am not sure what to take out of my experience other than I would not recommend trying to change someone that does not want to change.  If you are looking to help out, make sure they are looking to be helped.  But most of all, I cannot stress the amount of friction it caused my household bringing in an adult, non-child into our home, in particular between me and my wife.  I hope you are more patient/caring/understanding than I am.

g'luck
how was he supposed to leave the house if he was babysitting :unsure:

 
how was he supposed to leave the house if he was babysitting :unsure:
Well, he was only 'babysitting' while me and my wife were at work.  There are evenings and weekend available and he had two vehicles to borrow at that time too.  I'd venture to guess there are 100+ business well within walking distance of me (less than 2.0 miles).  Major business such as Walmart, Home Depot, Lowe's, 4-5 other grocery stores, restaurants, Target, just off the top of my head here, that are open nights and or weekends or 24 hours.

 
Speaking as someone who was "adopted" at 17 I would say to you that you really can make a huge difference, even at his age. I owe everything I have to the family that took me in.  In fact, I consider them my real family. I'm very sure if they hadn't extended me that helping hand I would either be dead or in prison now. Someday I'll share the full story, but for now, ProstheticRGK if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

 
Speaking as someone who was "adopted" at 17 I would say to you that you really can make a huge difference, even at his age. I owe everything I have to the family that took me in.  In fact, I consider them my real family. I'm very sure if they hadn't extended me that helping hand I would either be dead or in prison now. Someday I'll share the full story, but for now, ProstheticRGK if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
I took in a 17 year old nephew WHEN I took in my aging mom with cancer. He was an anti-social mess. Hibernated in his room. Worked at a grocery store and was finishing high school with home study through the Charter program. I barely saw him. I don't know how much good it did him, but the kid had nowhere else to go (lived with grandma when grandma could longer provide).

I can report he's the terrific father of 4 married to a great lady and doing a fine job providing for all of them. 

 
@ProstheticRGK It's a go down here with my niece moving in last night (rain held up the move all week and I was never fully prepared to believe it until she actually pulled in the driveway).

Her mom came with her and stayed the night. I'd told my neighbors if they ever saw an 18 year old pull in, to swing by to say hello and have a brat. So, they came over (to help move stuff of course). 

No clue how it'll go, but last night checked a lot of boxes. My dogs and her puppy seem to get on fine. My wife can be tricky to deal with (she has a brain injury and gets along generally fine, but it's just a different situation that most aren't going to be accustomed to). I won't get into it, but she's got some things she's trying to stay away from back home. Nothing major. Good, hardworking kid with a good heart trying to save some money and experience something different. I can help with that.

I stayed up way past my bed time catching up with her and her mom, and helping her get settled. I was trying not to get too excited, but it's too late for that now.

 
I know it's not always going to be rosy, and there are major challenges coming, but two days in, I can already tell I'm going to be devastated when she inevitably leaves.

Yesterday, as I'm getting off of work, she texts be that she's out looking for jobs, so as not to worry if she wasn't there when I got home. I tell her I gotta run some errands and cut the grass, and then we'd do flank steak tacos later if she's around (pretty much my favorite go-to dinner). She says she can cut the grass if it would help ( :excited: ). 

So, we grilled dinner together. Roasted/peeled the chiles. Grilled the tortillas, and then she sliced the flank steak. Key word is "she". Kid's got some nice knife skills (somehow there were some culinary classes at her HS). 

I've never had kids, and absolutely don't see myself as a parent in this situation, but I had no idea a simple dinner at home could be so awesome.

Oh hell, I'm doomed and being set up for some inevitable punches to the gut, I know it.

 
I know it's not always going to be rosy, and there are major challenges coming, but two days in, I can already tell I'm going to be devastated when she inevitably leaves.

Yesterday, as I'm getting off of work, she texts be that she's out looking for jobs, so as not to worry if she wasn't there when I got home. I tell her I gotta run some errands and cut the grass, and then we'd do flank steak tacos later if she's around (pretty much my favorite go-to dinner). She says she can cut the grass if it would help ( :excited: ). 

So, we grilled dinner together. Roasted/peeled the chiles. Grilled the tortillas, and then she sliced the flank steak. Key word is "she". Kid's got some nice knife skills (somehow there were some culinary classes at her HS). 

I've never had kids, and absolutely don't see myself as a parent in this situation, but I had no idea a simple dinner at home could be so awesome.

Oh hell, I'm doomed and being set up for some inevitable punches to the gut, I know it.
Be positive.  Enjoy the moment.   

 
Be positive.  Enjoy the moment.   
I think I've done that the best I can, as this chapter is about to end. She's moving to Florida on Saturday.

This has been one of the most awesome 4 month stretches of my life. It's going to hurt so much when she goes, just no getting around that, but I'm so glad we got the chance to do this. 

I barely knew the kid when she came. But it was 4 months of cooking together 4-5 nights a week, shooting the #### about life on the back porch, most days after working together. 

Pretty cool, unique experience. I hope it was as impactful for her as it was for me.  

 
I think I've done that the best I can, as this chapter is about to end. She's moving to Florida on Saturday.

This has been one of the most awesome 4 month stretches of my life. It's going to hurt so much when she goes, just no getting around that, but I'm so glad we got the chance to do this. 

I barely knew the kid when she came. But it was 4 months of cooking together 4-5 nights a week, shooting the #### about life on the back porch, most days after working together. 

Pretty cool, unique experience. I hope it was as impactful for her as it was for me.  
Such a good, if too-brief story. Thanks, man, for doing somebody a solid.  

 
I think I've done that the best I can, as this chapter is about to end. She's moving to Florida on Saturday.

This has been one of the most awesome 4 month stretches of my life. It's going to hurt so much when she goes, just no getting around that, but I'm so glad we got the chance to do this. 

I barely knew the kid when she came. But it was 4 months of cooking together 4-5 nights a week, shooting the #### about life on the back porch, most days after working together. 

Pretty cool, unique experience. I hope it was as impactful for her as it was for me.  
I’m sure you already told her this too, right? Great memories. 

 

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