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6 minutes ago, Thorn said:

How are the kids doing?

Mine are doing quite badly, I think. I say "I think" because I have been totally estranged from them for over a year. But from what I can tell, they are not doing very well. Despite consistently trying to reestablish our relationship, they have chosen to blame every one of their problems on my wife and me, rather than take any accountability or scrutinize the actions of their narcissist mother. It's heartbreaking.

My step-kids are doing better. One of them just officially became an Eagle Scout last night. I am not a giant fan of scouting, but it is still a real accomplishment. But they have some issues too, largely stemming from their deadbeat father, I think. Plus, they are teenagers.

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11 minutes ago, RedmondLonghorn said:

Mine are doing quite badly, I think. I say "I think" because I have been totally estranged from them for over a year. But from what I can tell, they are not doing very well. Despite consistently trying to reestablish our relationship, they have chosen to blame every one of their problems on my wife and me, rather than take any accountability or scrutinize the actions of their narcissist mother. It's heartbreaking.

My step-kids are doing better. One of them just officially became an Eagle Scout last night. I am not a giant fan of scouting, but it is still a real accomplishment. But they have some issues too, largely stemming from their deadbeat father, I think. Plus, they are teenagers.

:(

Post gives GM a sad.

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10 minutes ago, DA RAIDERS said:

yo!!

how's the remodel?

Holding steady at about 95% complete. Contractor tried to shake us down. We have serious claims against him, but he doesn't have the money to pay them, I am fairly certain. I laughed at his threats and had to talk our lawyer into not going after for him for extortion. We'll get the remaining windows (which are in the garage) put in and a bit of siding put up in the spring.

Currently there is a crew outside doing some significant septic work. I thought it was just a bad float or sensor. Nope. Ugh.

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2 hours ago, -fish- said:

Good to hear from you.   Sorry to hear about the kids.   Drinks on me next time you're on this side of the water.

I want in on this.  Not the free drinks, but seeing you guys.  We could try to grab that person who might or might not be a City Councilman, too.

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6 hours ago, RedmondLonghorn said:

Haven't posted here regularly in I don't know how long, but I thought I would stop by to check in and see what is going on.

I've had some profoundly life altering events happen to me in the past couple years.

 

What's up?

Welcome Back GB. 

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6 hours ago, RedmondLonghorn said:

Mine are doing quite badly, I think. I say "I think" because I have been totally estranged from them for over a year. But from what I can tell, they are not doing very well. Despite consistently trying to reestablish our relationship, they have chosen to blame every one of their problems on my wife and me, rather than take any accountability or scrutinize the actions of their narcissist mother. It's heartbreaking.

 

really sorry man.  been dealing with similar issues the past couple of years and fortunately was able to come out on the positive side of it.  I know how precarious and difficult that situation can be and really sucks to go through.

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1 hour ago, krista4 said:

but we should make a plan!  

When one of my nephews was 2, or so, he would often retire to a private, quiet space (e.g. behind a chair, underneath the coats on a coat rack, etc) when the urge struck to squat, grunt, and drop a load in his drawers.   If you happened upon him mid-dook and questioned "Hey, what do you think you're doing in/down/on there?!?!" he would reply "(grunting)I'm makin' a plan!"  He's, like, 25 or 26 now and he has never been able to live it down(to the point that it's basically part of our family's shared vernacular) nor has it ever stopped being humorous. 

So, you and fish/red/whoever enjoy your co-op bowel movement, I guess.

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10 hours ago, 5-ish Finkle said:

When one of my nephews was 2, or so, he would often retire to a private, quiet space (e.g. behind a chair, underneath the coats on a coat rack, etc) when the urge struck to squat, grunt, and drop a load in his drawers.   If you happened upon him mid-dook and questioned "Hey, what do you think you're doing in/down/on there?!?!" he would reply "(grunting)I'm makin' a plan!"  He's, like, 25 or 26 now and he has never been able to live it down(to the point that it's basically part of our family's shared vernacular) nor has it ever stopped being humorous. 

So, you and fish/red/whoever enjoy your co-op bowel movement, I guess.

That's a genuinely funny story and completely odd as well, so very on-brand for you.

 

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13 hours ago, Long Ball Larry said:

really sorry man.  been dealing with similar issues the past couple of years and fortunately was able to come out on the positive side of it.  I know how precarious and difficult that situation can be and really sucks to go through.

Everybody told me "they'll come around when they get a little older". So far, the opposite has happened. The historical revisionism that has gone on between the three of them is crazy.

They cling to a couple conversations where we lost our cool with them a little as justification for hating my wife and as a cause of "PTSD" and ruin of their childhoods. They treated my wife badly with insidious passive-aggressiveness for like 12-18 months before those events. They now completely deny it.

When I point out that they were big fans of my wife until their mom started stirring the pot, well that's just over the line: "Leave Mom out of this."

My wife believes they know on some level that their mom bears a lot of responsibility, but she staked out her claim as the aggrieved party and victim early, and she is their mom, so it is much easier to blame everything on us. 

I question whether I will ever have a real relationship again with any of them. Sometimes I wonder what it will feel like when one of them gets married or has a child and I am not invited to be a part of it.

 

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man my problems are a little different but all i have learned in a lot of years being on this rock and fighting it is that you have to just keep on keepin on and give love to those that will let you give it and try to give love to those that will not and keep your head up and just keep trying even when they will not allow it and that is really all that any of us can do  just rise above be good to others and like my main man don henly said you get the love that you allow take that to the bank brohan 

Edited by SWC
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17 minutes ago, RedmondLonghorn said:

Everybody told me "they'll come around when they get a little older". So far, the opposite has happened. The historical revisionism that has gone on between the three of them is crazy.

They cling to a couple conversations where we lost our cool with them a little as justification for hating my wife and as a cause of "PTSD" and ruin of their childhoods. They treated my wife badly with insidious passive-aggressiveness for like 12-18 months before those events. They now completely deny it.

When I point out that they were big fans of my wife until their mom started stirring the pot, well that's just over the line: "Leave Mom out of this."

My wife believes they know on some level that their mom bears a lot of responsibility, but she staked out her claim as the aggrieved party and victim early, and she is their mom, so it is much easier to blame everything on us. 

I question whether I will ever have a real relationship again with any of them. Sometimes I wonder what it will feel like when one of them gets married or has a child and I am not invited to be a part of it.

 

Yeah, supposedly in high school they typically see through the bull####, but I'm sure that the emotional/psychological pull is tremendous and not surprising that not all kids come around.

I think that your wife is totally right on the bolded.   It absolutely can become polarizing like that and the step-parent (especially the step-mom, maybe) can become the punching bag for everything.  It is too hard to push the mother away because it creates a sense of loss and abandonment that is more powerful than the mom's negative behaviors that are actually causing the negative situation.   My wife has had to deal with a lot of this and we are still working through it but "fortunately" my ex moved away and is really inconsistent with her activity so eventually my daughter recognized that there was no way to count on her for anything, and that really turned her around.

I was definitely always fearful of my daughter getting pulled by the emotions of her mom and I did not parent as well as I probably could have for my daughter's development, in the sense that I would equivocate too often to balance keeping the peace, "protecting" my daughter from pain, and trying not to push her away too much.  It sounds like you may have tried to lay down more structure and ground rules (maybe I am reading too much into it), which I think in the end is probably the best thing to do.  I'm sure it is little comfort now, but I suspect that you really did do the best that you could.

I hope that things change for you guys some day.

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29 minutes ago, RedmondLonghorn said:

Everybody told me "they'll come around when they get a little older". So far, the opposite has happened. The historical revisionism that has gone on between the three of them is crazy.

They cling to a couple conversations where we lost our cool with them a little as justification for hating my wife and as a cause of "PTSD" and ruin of their childhoods. They treated my wife badly with insidious passive-aggressiveness for like 12-18 months before those events. They now completely deny it.

When I point out that they were big fans of my wife until their mom started stirring the pot, well that's just over the line: "Leave Mom out of this."

My wife believes they know on some level that their mom bears a lot of responsibility, but she staked out her claim as the aggrieved party and victim early, and she is their mom, so it is much easier to blame everything on us. 

I question whether I will ever have a real relationship again with any of them. Sometimes I wonder what it will feel like when one of them gets married or has a child and I am not invited to be a part of it.

 

Are you going to be expected to pay for their college?  

This sucks, man.  I hate reading this.
 

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10 minutes ago, General Malaise said:

Are you going to be expected to pay for their college?  

This sucks, man.  I hate reading this.
 

My oldest, who is a stellar student and a pretty good baseball player, is currently attending a local community college for reasons I still can't fathom. He wanted to play baseball in college, but wasn't D-I material. I offered to take him on a trip to see top D-III schools that play baseball in California and to help him get noticed by their coaches. He refused all of that and accused me of meddling and being "subversive" about his goals after I sent his club baseball coach a simple email asking if the coach had any relationships with coaches of those schools.

When he brought up playing CC or JC baseball, we encouraged him to think about other options, but also suggested if he wanted to go that route he should get admitted to one of these great schools, defer enrollment, and take a "gap year" to try out JC baseball. If he developed massively and got noticed by bigger schools, great. If not, he would still have a slot at a top college where he could, at worst, walk-on to the baseball team. I can only surmise that he hated the idea because it came from us. I think he was also hung up on going someplace where the coach went out of his way to recruit him (which I understand, to a degree). He also didn't need to write a bunch of essays and take the ACT multiple times to get into Crapville CC.

To directly answer your question: there are 529 plans for my kids that are reasonably well funded and I have other financial resources, but right now I have no idea.

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11 hours ago, RedmondLonghorn said:

That's a genuinely funny story and completely odd as well, so very on-brand for you.

 

*bows from waist**
You've come to expect a certain blend of herbs and spices, I merely endeavor to maintain the recipe's integrity.

Sucks to hear about the kids, but glad to see you back in these parts.

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On 11/21/2019 at 4:17 PM, RedmondLonghorn said:

Mine are doing quite badly, I think. I say "I think" because I have been totally estranged from them for over a year. But from what I can tell, they are not doing very well. Despite consistently trying to reestablish our relationship, they have chosen to blame every one of their problems on my wife and me, rather than take any accountability or scrutinize the actions of their narcissist mother. It's heartbreaking.

My step-kids are doing better. One of them just officially became an Eagle Scout last night. I am not a giant fan of scouting, but it is still a real accomplishment. But they have some issues too, largely stemming from their deadbeat father, I think. Plus, they are teenagers.

Crap.  Was hoping for the opposite answer GB.  Sorry to hear.

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On 11/22/2019 at 12:42 PM, RedmondLonghorn said:

Everybody told me "they'll come around when they get a little older". So far, the opposite has happened. The historical revisionism that has gone on between the three of them is crazy.

They cling to a couple conversations where we lost our cool with them a little as justification for hating my wife and as a cause of "PTSD" and ruin of their childhoods. They treated my wife badly with insidious passive-aggressiveness for like 12-18 months before those events. They now completely deny it.

When I point out that they were big fans of my wife until their mom started stirring the pot, well that's just over the line: "Leave Mom out of this."

My wife believes they know on some level that their mom bears a lot of responsibility, but she staked out her claim as the aggrieved party and victim early, and she is their mom, so it is much easier to blame everything on us. 

I question whether I will ever have a real relationship again with any of them. Sometimes I wonder what it will feel like when one of them gets married or has a child and I am not invited to be a part of it.

 

Do you have a relationship with them where you aren't talking about where they should go to college or about your wife, your ex and so on?   It sounds like you've had a lot of serious conversations with them but do you get any fun time? 

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On 11/21/2019 at 4:17 PM, RedmondLonghorn said:

Mine are doing quite badly, I think. I say "I think" because I have been totally estranged from them for over a year. But from what I can tell, they are not doing very well. Despite consistently trying to reestablish our relationship, they have chosen to blame every one of their problems on my wife and me, rather than take any accountability or scrutinize the actions of their narcissist mother. It's heartbreaking.

My step-kids are doing better. One of them just officially became an Eagle Scout last night. I am not a giant fan of scouting, but it is still a real accomplishment. But they have some issues too, largely stemming from their deadbeat father, I think. Plus, they are teenagers.

Sorry to hear.  I would suggest to continue to try to reestablish the relationship.  The cliche "be the bigger person" doesn't perfectly apply here but keep reaching out.  You never know...they might see the error in their ways at some point.

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4 hours ago, bostonfred said:

Do you have a relationship with them where you aren't talking about where they should go to college or about your wife, your ex and so on?   It sounds like you've had a lot of serious conversations with them but do you get any fun time? 

We have a relationship where we aren't talking. Or, perhaps, we don't have a relationship at all.

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