And vocalize to them all of that.
I've realized how little I do in that regard...have had the relationship slide where discussion is just about what trivial but necessary #### needs to be done on a daily basis. not enough talk of what's so great about her in the first place. I've been making a point to try more, but still not enough- would be great to make it daily at the very least, but without making it become inconsequential. Conversely, I don't think she's said a single nice thing about me to my face in years. :(
Mmm. Felt that.
That part you can't directly control. Which is really a bummer, because we all need affirmation and warm fuzzies. On a daily basis. Tough when you go long stretches without any of that.
What you could try - and I'm cognizant this is going to sound insane, trite, unrealistic - try changing the dynamic. Start thanking her. For things she does everyday but it makes a difference in the quality of home life. Don't make a big deal out of it, just show her you appreciate something she has done for kids. Start paying more attention again and find something nice to compliment her on. If you have to, get away for a minute and list out all of the positive things about her. Or all the things you used to love about her and wish they could somehow come back.
You're not doing this to manipulate her into reciprocating. Again, we can't change others behaviors. But start becoming the best version of yourself, irrespective of how she is behaving. That part you can control.
I was talking with a friend today who is WFH with his wife (also wfh) and 1 year old. He's pretty busy with a full load this semester of online classes. By necessity he has to spend a good amount of time in the loft/office studying, reading and completing homework assignments. His bride of three years is trying to be supportive of him completing his masters. But it occurred to him she is pulling a little more weight than usual in the childcare area, plus she personally is not receiving as much attention as she might be accustomed to, and although it hadn't really surfaced, there might be some underlying issues. After the baby went to sleep last night he had a good conversation with his wife. He opened with just thanking her and telling her how much it meant to him that she is giving him the time and freedom for his studies. Then he acknowledged that he wasn't able to be the kind of involved dad he normally has been, and probably wasn't being the attentive husband she had enjoyed the first couple years. He asked her a series of probing questions about how that made her feel, what could he do different, until she started opening up. Then he shut up and listened. She was really honest and opened up about a little simmering resentment she had felt from time to time (and felt guilty about feeling it.) He validated what she told him, assuring her that seemed totally normal, anyone in the same circumstance might have those feelings. Just kind of laid aside his ego or how her response made him feel, and focused on what she was telling him. To me it sounded like an "oh man, that's a rough conversation" kind of thing, but he totally embraced it. He wants her to be expressive and feel heard and not feel like she is alone in the sacrifices she is making. Gotta give the man credit, that's really stepping up, going above and beyond.
Anyway, I know how hard it is if you feel stuck and the days are just one daily grind after another. It can feel pretty gray and empty, and other than being a provider, a "good dad", faithful to your vows/commitment, you start to wonder why you are doing it. Why should you try harder if she isn't paying attention herself? It's tough to break relationship patterns! But you can try to be disruptive (in an awesome way) by beginning to show her you still care, you still value her, you want to be a source of good in her life. It's a great time to evaluate, and not in a "how can I disentangle myself" way. You already recognize you are in a suboptimal place and it's frustrating/overwhelming contemplating how hard it might be to effect genuine change. Start small.
Just map out where you want to get to - start thinking in terms of the eventual change you want to see - and then brainstorm little baby steps to get you there. Start stacking up Ws, however insignificant. Get some positive momentum going and don't bail if the first couple times you try this relationship experiment fails. She's worth it, your family is worth it, and though it may not always feel like it, you are worth it. As you are mapping out how to begin revitalizing your communication, take time to list all the great things that will happen if it works. Just as importantly, make a list of all the bad consequences if you don't take action. You want to internalize why this is important, and use both the carrot and the stick to get yourself motivated to start making changes.
GL GB - pulling for you to make a breakthrough.
don't buy her anything that can be described as a "blunt object".
after years of still searching for my person. It gets exhausting sometimes. But still I fight for it. Loneliness sucks. ![[icon]](/data/avatars/s/5/5167.jpg?1660313464){kind=avatar}
