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Is this strange or not? Ep. 1 - co-sleeping (1 Viewer)

If you find co-sleeping not to be weird, at what age does it become inappropriate?

  • Okay <1 years old

    Votes: 5 5.1%

  • Okay < 2 years old

    Votes: 11 11.2%

  • Okay < 5 years old

    Votes: 28 28.6%

  • Okay < ten years old

    Votes: 4 4.1%

  • Okay prior to puberty

    Votes: 2 2.0%

  • Always okay (in which case, Woz, give me your business card)

    Votes: 4 4.1%

  • N/A - it's never okay

    Votes: 44 44.9%
  • Total voters
    98
Zow

Zow

Footballguy
I intend for this to be a series of threads where I identify relatively prominent human choices/tendencies/etc. that I don't entirely understand and/or I think seems strange but probably isn't criminal and am surprised at how often I encouter them. 

Up first: co-sleeping. Co-sleeping is defined as: the practice of parents and young children sleeping in the same bed. This is a regular activity and rare instances like a sick child or a kid who had a bad dream climbing in with mommy and/or daddy once in awhile doesn't count. Doing family law work, it has surprised me how often I encounter this and I've learned that this is a far more common practice than I assumed. Again, it's not illegal or even entirely relevant to legal proceedings re: parenting time/legal decision-making, but I found its prevalency to be surprising. Further I've heard of it/encountered in cases with kids up to the age of 11. 

Personally, my bed is about the only place my kids aren't welcome. My wife and I made the decision when we took in our first child that we would never let our kids regularly sleep in bed with us. Sleep and some privacy are just too important. And the rare occasions where a kid winds up in our bed (usually a bad dream or my foster son used to struggle to sleep in cribs that weren't his normal one) seems pleasant as first but inevitably winds up with me getting poor sleep (my 3 year old daughter somehow amazingly gets me displaced and on the very edge of the bed the few times she'll be allowed to sleep in bed - every time!).

What say you? Strange or no? 

 
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Sea Duck said:
Fine for rare occasions (bad dreams) maybe up until the age where a kid starts questioning the existence of Santa.

Weird after that.
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Right. But, again, for purposes of this thread this isn't what I'm talking about. I'm defining "co-sleeping" as the practice of regularly sharing a bed with your child. Letting your kid hop into bed after a bad dream on a rare occasion isn't the scenario I'm talking about here (and would think it would be pretty cruel to send a kid back to his bed after a bad dream). 

 
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Zow said:
Sea Duck said:
Fine for rare occasions (bad dreams) maybe up until the age where a kid starts questioning the existence of Santa.

Weird after that.
Click to expand...
Right. But, again, for purposes of this thread this isn't what I'm talking about. I'm defining "co-sleeping" as the practice of regularly sharing a bed with your child. Letting your kid hop into bed after a bad dream on a rare occasion isn't the scenario I'm talking about here (and would think it would be pretty cool to send a kid back to his bed after a bad dream). 
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In that case: weird.

 
Had the little bed that attached to our bed for the first several months, which was called a co-sleeper. Seemed easiest with all of the nighttime feedings and crying and stuff. 

Then it was on to her own room and crib. 

 
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Look up Attachment Parenting. 

People have hugely different ways of raising kids, and seem eager to judge others who do it differently...like calling other methods "weird". Seems small minded and...weird... to me.

As long as the kid is healthy, safe and loved...you're doing it right, however you're doing it.

We didn't co-sleep as defined here (in the same bed) but had both our kids in our room while they were breast or bottle feeding and not yet sleeping through the night. Some people define that as co-sleeping.

 
El Floppo said:
Look up Attachment Parenting. 

People have hugely different ways of raising kids, and seem eager to judge others who do it differently...like calling other methods "weird". Seems small minded and...weird... to me.

As long as the kid is healthy, safe and loved...you're doing it right, however you're doing it.

We didn't co-sleep as defined here (in the same bed) but had both our kids in our room while they were breast or bottle feeding and not yet sleeping through the night. Some people define that as co-sleeping.
Click to expand...
Weirdo

 
I'll add my part that co-sleeping during the first year life isn't weird but it is definitely dangerous and not recommended at all. Co-rooming is a different story, which is appropriate.

If you have a baby, especially under the age of 1, please don't do this.

 
El Floppo said:
Look up Attachment Parenting. 

People have hugely different ways of raising kids, and seem eager to judge others who do it differently...like calling other methods "weird". Seems small minded and...weird... to me.

As long as the kid is healthy, safe and loved...you're doing it right, however you're doing it.

We didn't co-sleep as defined here (in the same bed) but had both our kids in our room while they were breast or bottle feeding and not yet sleeping through the night. Some people define that as co-sleeping.
Click to expand...
This is completely appropriate and actually recommended for the first 6 months of life. Absolutely not weird.

It's called co-rooming. 

 
gianmarco said:
I'll add my part that co-sleeping during the first year life isn't weird but it is definitely dangerous and not recommended at all. Co-rooming is a different story, which is appropriate.

If you have a baby, especially under the age of 1, please don't do this.
Click to expand...
When my wife and I were going back and forth on this, we were seeing the vast majority (all?) issues from cosleeping under 1 were when the parents had a drug/alcohol issue that caused the parent not to wake up.

our 4 yo goes to sleep in her bed 100% of the time, but ends up in ours by the end of the night 50% of the time.

 
My nephew is still a co-sleeper (at 11) and is super attached to my sister because of it.  Our house is basically a second home for him and he can't even do sleepovers for fear of not having mom there.  

 
Gawain said:
When my wife and I were going back and forth on this, we were seeing the vast majority (all?) issues from cosleeping under 1 were when the parents had a drug/alcohol issue that caused the parent not to wake up.

our 4 yo goes to sleep in her bed 100% of the time, but ends up in ours by the end of the night 50% of the time.
Click to expand...
Here's a good summary of current recommendations

Yes, some babies are at higher risk of SIDS/suffocation with drug/alcohol use being a risk factor, but it's not the only risk factor. 

 
El Floppo said:
Look up Attachment Parenting. 

People have hugely different ways of raising kids, and seem eager to judge others who do it differently...like calling other methods "weird". Seems small minded and...weird... to me.

As long as the kid is healthy, safe and loved...you're doing it right, however you're doing it.

We didn't co-sleep as defined here (in the same bed) but had both our kids in our room while they were breast or bottle feeding and not yet sleeping through the night. Some people define that as co-sleeping.
Click to expand...
I understand and I’m genuinely not trying to criticize or insult anybody here. Maybe “weird” is a poor word choice by me but I did try (and hopefully succeeded) to clarify that I’m going to be highlighting actions that I don’t view as illegal or even wrong (from a moral, practical, and harmful to others point of view). I intend to highlight actions that I would never even consider doing and seem, well, strange to me - and see if I’m in the minority with that perspective or not.

@IvanKaramazov put it well above that people are free to live their lives as they see fit and certainly don’t need my approval in what they do. I’m sure I do some things that seem normal and natural to me that others may find strange. 
 

 
gianmarco said:
I'll add my part that co-sleeping during the first year life isn't weird but it is definitely dangerous and not recommended at all. Co-rooming is a different story, which is appropriate.

If you have a baby, especially under the age of 1, please don't do this.
Click to expand...
Smothering with your body or blankets the obvious risks we wanted no part of.

But I remember when we had our first and we're looking into things, there weren't as many fatalities as I had thought there would be. Sids was higher by a big margin, iirc.

 
Zow said:
I understand and I’m genuinely not trying to criticize or insult anybody here. Maybe “weird” is a poor word choice by me but I did try (and hopefully succeeded) to clarify that I’m going to be highlighting actions that I don’t view as illegal or even wrong (from a moral, practical, and harmful to others point of view). I intend to highlight actions that I would never even consider doing and seem, well, strange to me - and see if I’m in the minority with that perspective or not.

@IvanKaramazov put it well above that people are free to live their lives as they see fit and certainly don’t need my approval in what they do. I’m sure I do some things that seem normal and natural to me that others may find strange. 
 
Click to expand...
I hear you. 

The word weird is a bit of a bugaboo to me. Always struck me as a word for people with narrow vision to bring down and marginalize those who do things differently. A word born out of fear of the other, person or action. Hyperbole rubs me equally wrong- used to prove a point out of laziness or if the point isnt necessarily provable. 

:shrug:

But carry on...I get the premise of this and don't need to belabor my point any more at the expense of your thread.

 
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gianmarco said:
Here's a good summary of current recommendations

Yes, some babies are at higher risk of SIDS/suffocation with drug/alcohol use being a risk factor, but it's not the only risk factor. 
Click to expand...
I agree, but my wife was beating herself up about falling asleep while feeding so I tried to figure out how big an issue it was. When the kids were newborns and had a nighttime feeding in bed, we put the kid in a boppy to isolate them and fed that way.

For the four year old, I don’t care for it when I get cramped, but at some point we will be the least cool parents ever so why not enjoy it now?

 
El Floppo said:
Smothering with your body or blankets the obvious risks we wanted no part of.

But I remember when we had our first and we're looking into things, there weren't as many fatalities as I had thought there would be. Sids was higher by a big margin, iirc.
Click to expand...
As we've learned more, most of what we initially called SIDS were likely suffocations.  It's almost impossible to differentiate between the two.  Today, most of what would have been called SIDS 20-30 years ago is being reclassified as accidental suffocation.  So, for all intents and purposes, consider it the same. 

While it's not a huge number, it's still 3500 deaths per year and all of them are obviously tragic. 

Gawain said:
I agree, but my wife was beating herself up about falling asleep while feeding so I tried to figure out how big an issue it was. When the kids were newborns and had a nighttime feeding in bed, we put the kid in a boppy to isolate them and fed that way.

For the four year old, I don’t care for it when I get cramped, but at some point we will be the least cool parents ever so why not enjoy it now?
Click to expand...
Yep, we know it happens, which is why the AAP is trying to strike a balance and expressing the understanding that it happens.  When it does, and you wake up, you just want to get the baby back on another sleeping surface.  You do the best you can without beating yourself up over it.  It's just understanding the possible risk involved.  :thumbup:

 
Ned said:
My nephew is still a co-sleeper (at 11) and is super attached to my sister because of it.  Our house is basically a second home for him and he can't even do sleepovers for fear of not having mom there.  
Click to expand...
Yikes. Is this something you are worried about or have talked to her about it?

 
Wife and I never allowed this. They were in their cribs from day one. Wife always did the feedings in their rooms.

We just figured this was step one in a child learning independence. Plus, we didn't know any better. We were like other young parents - you figure it out. But for us, developing good sleeping patterns early was a must-have.

And now that they are older all our kids go to bed on time and once they are in there, they sleep.

 
We co-sleep. We use attachment parenting, elimination communication, natural child spacing. We have 7 children ranging from 22 to 3yo. We have always been very happy using these techniques and they work great for our lifestyle. I know it’s not for everyone.

 
ChiefD said:
Wife and I never allowed this. They were in their cribs from day one. Wife always did the feedings in their rooms.

We just figured this was step one in a child learning independence. Plus, we didn't know any better. We were like other young parents - you figure it out. But for us, developing good sleeping patterns early was a must-have.

And now that they are older all our kids go to bed on time and once they are in there, they sleep.
Click to expand...
Yeah this has been exactly my and my wife's approach as well. I suppose, for obvious reasons but something I didn't initially think about re: this issue, my wife and I had to bottle feed so we took turns getting up with them in the middle of the night as they were infants. But, I do concede that with breast-feeding it probably is easy to have the child right there. Nonetheless, and again, I do hope it's understood that co-sleeping is defined as regularly sleeping with one's child in the same bed. I thentried to differentiate between the ages to see if there's a disparity in the practice between doing it through the breast-feeding stage and beyond. 

For my wife and me, I'm very glad we made the decision we did. Our kids (currently 3, 5, 5, 5) all sleep through the night with the rare exception of the three year old waking up every now and then for a bad dream or whatever and wanting some attention and, usually, her nightlight turned back on. It's rare enough that we'll give her the attention and placate - but she's pretty quickly put back into her own bed. 

One of our closest couples friends are recently trying to break the co-sleeping habit after many years (I think their kids are like 6 and 4) and it sounds awful. The wife has also told my wife  that they have to like sneak into the bathroom or a closet to have sex due to the co-sleeping. Uh, no thanks. 

 
trogg78 said:
We co-sleep. We use attachment parenting, elimination communication, natural child spacing. We have 7 children ranging from 22 to 3yo. We have always been very happy using these techniques and they work great for our lifestyle. I know it’s not for everyone.
Click to expand...
Interesting. Haven't heard of these concepts. There a reliable and reputable link you can post to explain them?

 
trogg78 said:
Wikipedia is fine a resource for understanding each of these parenting practices.
Click to expand...
I'll check it out. Thanks (I figured they'd be on Wiki but I consider that an unreliable source given that anybody can change the entry). 

 
Zow said:
I'll check it out. Thanks (I figured they'd be on Wiki but I consider that an unreliable source given that anybody can change the entry). 
Click to expand...
Just read them. Interesting. So you guys don't use diapers??

 
Zow said:
I'll check it out. Thanks (I figured they'd be on Wiki but I consider that an unreliable source given that anybody can change the entry). 
Click to expand...
Check it out. I’m happy to answer any questions for how we use them. Co-sleeping is closely involved with both attachment parenting and natural child spacing. Natural Child Spacing uses unrestricted breast feeding to suppress ovulation preventing further pregnancy.

 
trogg78 said:
Check it out. I’m happy to answer any questions for how we use them. Co-sleeping is closely involved with both attachment parenting and natural child spacing. Natural Child Spacing uses unrestricted breast feeding to suppress ovulation preventing further pregnancy.
Click to expand...
Yeah I was reading about that where I could (there wasn't a wiki entry right on point). Seems like it's closely tied to the practice of natural family planning. 

 
Zow said:
Yeah I was reading about that where I could (there wasn't a wiki entry right on point). Seems like it's closely tied to the practice of natural family planning. 
Click to expand...
It’s very similar, but without the abstinence. We’ve found that breastfeeding (no bottles ever) unrestricted will give us 3-4 years between children.

 
What about grandkids? Our 3yr old grandson tends to sleep in our bed when he spends the night. Sleeps in his bed at home. He likes to watch a movie with grandma and grandpa most of the time and falls asleep. Usually just leave him there.  :shrug:

 
Thought it was weird until I discovered how common it is in other parts of the world with pretty good outcomes. 

 
top dog said:
What about grandkids? Our 3yr old grandson tends to sleep in our bed when he spends the night. Sleeps in his bed at home. He likes to watch a movie with grandma and grandpa most of the time and falls asleep. Usually just leave him there.  :shrug:
Click to expand...
Same here.  We never had our kids sleep with us unless on the rare occasions as mentioned in the OP.  But our 3 year old grandson asks if he can sleep with us when we visit his house.  When he's at our house he sleeps in his room on his own bed.  I think it's fine and I'm sure he'll stop asking once he gets older.  Most times now at their house I sleep in his room and he sleeps with his grandma.  Other times he doesn't ask and he sleeps in his own bed. 

 
My 4 year old comes to our bed every night between 2-4 and we let her sleep between us the rest of the night.  It was too tiring walking back to her bed, waiting for her to fall asleep, etc.  My older kid (6) used to do it but now stays in his bed the entire night.  I figure the younger one will outgrow this too.

 
Brony said:
Thought it was weird until I discovered how common it is in other parts of the world with pretty good outcomes. 
Click to expand...
Yea, it is a very western world thing. It is viewed as pretty harsh and cruel to have your screaming infant sleeping in a separate room in a crib.

 
SouthJersey said:
My 4 year old comes to our bed every night between 2-4 and we let her sleep between us the rest of the night.  It was too tiring walking back to her bed, waiting for her to fall asleep, etc.  My older kid (6) used to do it but now stays in his bed the entire night.  I figure the younger one will outgrow this too.
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My daughter would sneak into our bed until she was about 5 as well. Our oldest son never did it. He just slept in his bed. Our youngest son.... well that was a different story. That kid would sneak into our bed like a ninja until he was like 10. It got friggin old quick. I'd usually wake up and throw him back in his bed telling him to stay there only to wake up at 7am and find him sleeping at our feet like a dog. I suggested locking our bedroom door but my wife would never do that. "What if there is an emergency and the kids need to get into our room??"   :wall:  "Like what honey? Marauders breaking in and the only safe haven is our bedroom?".

One time I woke up in the middle of the night and felt the presence of someone in the room. I couldn't see anyone... As I scanned the room I met eyes with my 8-9 yr old son who was crouched down like a tiger next to the bed right next to me waiting to sneak into it. I really did almost clock him in the face until I realized what was going on. 

 
top dog said:
My daughter would sneak into our bed until she was about 5 as well. Our oldest son never did it. He just slept in his bed. Our youngest son.... well that was a different story. That kid would sneak into our bed like a ninja until he was like 10. It got friggin old quick. I'd usually wake up and throw him back in his bed telling him to stay there only to wake up at 7am and find him sleeping at our feet like a dog. I suggested locking our bedroom door but my wife would never do that. "What if there is an emergency and the kids need to get into our room??"   :wall:  "Like what honey? Marauders breaking in and the only safe haven is our bedroom?".

One time I woke up in the middle of the night and felt the presence of someone in the room. I couldn't see anyone... As I scanned the room I met eyes with my 8-9 yr old son who was crouched down like a tiger next to the bed right next to me waiting to sneak into it. I really did almost clock him in the face until I realized what was going on. 
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Haha I’ve had a few children of the corn moments with my youngest where I wake up after sensing somebody in the room, open my eyes, and see her standing next to the side of my bed with her face inches from mine and she’s staring at me emotionlessly. Scares the crap out of me every time. 

 
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El Floppo said:
Look up Attachment Parenting. 

People have hugely different ways of raising kids, and seem eager to judge others who do it differently...like calling other methods "weird". Seems small minded and...weird... to me.

As long as the kid is healthy, safe and loved...you're doing it right, however you're doing it.

We didn't co-sleep as defined here (in the same bed) but had both our kids in our room while they were breast or bottle feeding and not yet sleeping through the night. Some people define that as co-sleeping.
Click to expand...
I thought everybody put the crib in their room during this phase. 

 
Ned said:
My nephew is still a co-sleeper (at 11) and is super attached to my sister because of it.  Our house is basically a second home for him and he can't even do sleepovers for fear of not having mom there.  
Click to expand...


YIKES. Guessing this kid is gonna have a TOUGH time in middle school.  Probably like a year away from puberty and still sleeping in bed with his mom. Oof.

Obviously everyone is gonna do things their own way, but I just dont see how this is a healthy situation once a kid is like 5 or 6.    I have a friend whose kids (i believe he had 2 at the time) would crawl into bed with him and his wife at like 4 in the morning every freaking night.  To me, that should be one those things that you need to nip in the bud ASAP before it becomes a problem.  I imagine its a tough habit to break once you allow it.

 
weird only in America?

commonplace in human history until recently and still common in most of the world.

we didn't do co-sleeping (same bed) because it's hard enough sleeping with one other person thrashing around, much less two, but we did have kids in a bassinet next to the bed for several months. 

 
My dudes are 7 and 9. I miss sleeping with them, especially the napping part. We still occasionally will fall asleep watching a movie in bed or something and I am too lazy to move them so they will stay in bed for the night with me.

 
mr. furley said:
weird only in America?

commonplace in human history until recently and still common in most of the world.

we didn't do co-sleeping (same bed) because it's hard enough sleeping with one other person thrashing around, much less two, but we did have kids in a bassinet next to the bed for several months. 
Click to expand...
However you want to define it. 

 
The few times I let our youngest sleep in bed with us when he was little, I swear he transformed into a ball of elbows, knees and kicking feet. Couldn't see doing this every night, or for an extended period of time

 
Zow said:
Haha I’ve had a few children of the corn moments with my youngest where I wake up after sensing somebody in the room, open my eyes, and see her standing next to the side of my bed with her face inches from mine and she’s staring at me emotionlessly. Scares the crap out of me every time. 
Click to expand...
I had a ferret that did this except he was standing on my chest staring at me. It actually entered my subconscious dreaming state and woke me up only to see it again. Freaked the #### out of me.

 
Osaurus said:
I had a ferret that did this except he was standing on my chest staring at me. It actually entered my subconscious dreaming state and woke me up only to see it again. Freaked the #### out of me.
Click to expand...
Your ferret or a random one that broke in your house?

 
Penguin said:
This is how someone becomes pregnant unexpectedly 
Click to expand...
Pretty sure it tends to prevent pregnancy. 

We co slept only for the first month or so, and that was really more momma falling asleep while nursing and me making sure they're ok. Then leaving the room to go sleep in the den. And with our daughter the first couple weeks after we adopted, she was 3  we were bonding and she didn't like the crib the hotel provided (she fit just fine but it probably brought back memories of the orphanage).  My wife decided to sleep on her floor the first couple weeks after we got home. I thought that was unnecessary but wasn't fighting her.

 
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