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Christmas extended family gatherings; feeling bad about not attending? (1 Viewer)

L

lazyike

Footballguy
My wife’s family initially was going to hold the family Christmas gathering later in the summer of 2021 when things warmed up.( We hale from Mn) Then my wife’s 80 year old mother changed her mind and decided to have it in a couple weeks. My extended family held the family gathering back in early December and 2/3s of my family chose not to attend because of Covid. That decision was respected by those that did attend. There was talk of practicing social distancing but they really didn’t. No masks etc. She is feeling guilty about us planning not to attend and said her Mom sounded disappointed. Most of her family thinks this mask wearing business and bar/restaurant closing thing is a joke. My sister in law works for the state and Governor Walz has set some strict guidelines in regards to family Christmas etc and she can’t attend. As a Head start teacher my wife really is supposed to do the same.
   I told my wife what is my family going to think if we didn’t go to theirs and then go to your side? She is feeling guilty but I told her they are the ones not following CDC guidelines and she shouldn’t feel guilty. Anyone else dealing with a similar scenario?

 
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I feel for you and your wife.  I'm lucky in that my family seems to all be on roughly the same page.  Only the ones who live near enough to each other and have been in each others' bubbles all along are getting together. 

It's natural to feel guilty even if you know you are right.  One of the things that makes it even tougher is that you want the family to be able to say you were wrong all along (meaning no one gets sick).  You don't want to let emotions get in the way of doing the smart thing, so I think it helps to stress that not only are you doing the right, smart thing, but you're also doing the loving, caring thing for everyone involved - especially for your wife's 80 year old mother.

 
So one of our best friends has an annual Christmas Eve party. Big Italian feast, lots of people. We were invited but declined. They kept it small, maybe 1/5 of usual crowd. Family including sisters and Dad but 2 other families. Got the call today. My buddy, his wife and their son all positive. Glad I didn’t go 

 
Judge Smails said:
So one of our best friends has an annual Christmas Eve party. Big Italian feast, lots of people. We were invited but declined. They kept it small, maybe 1/5 of usual crowd. Family including sisters and Dad but 2 other families. Got the call today. My buddy, his wife and their son all positive. Glad I didn’t go 
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Good call.

This is very frustrating to me that we can't all give up one year of holiday traditions and wear a ####### mask to save to 10's of thousands of lives.  It's so disappointing.

 
One sister has called giving my wife the royal guilt trip about not coming saying her Mom is in tears about us not coming.  Her sister and brother in law are in her Moms bubble. Chewing her out for not saying she couldn’t come right away instead acting like she would come. One of her Mom’s grandkids coming to the gathering but has high school wrestling practice in the morning first  before he comes. Unbelievable. Grandma is 80 years old with asthma. I could deal with it with my family but like a lot of woman my wife is so emotional.

 
I'm sorry. I was lucky my wife's sisters didn't try to guilt trip her into joining. Of course their father spending Christmas on a ventilator (he's still vented) probably kept the guilt trips at bay.

 
Things complicated by several things. Wife’s Dad passed away from Dementia back in February makes life lonelier for her Mom. A lot of the family also thinks herd immunity is what needs to be done...obviously we are on a different page.

 
If this thing hasn't taught us that a HUGE chunk of the population is some combination of ignorant, selfish or just plain stupid, I'm not sure what can......

Its one holiday. (or rather, one year of holidays)  If they can't get over it, that's their problem, not yours.  People are dying, people are losing jobs, countless small businesses are closing for good.  Missing ONE year of opening presents under the tree and sipping hot cocoa is just not that big a deal.

 
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We shifted one of our usual gatherings to shifts. Normally about 25 meet at my folks for Christmas Eve. We switched to brunch there on the 24th with just my family of 6 and my folks. Then they did my dad's sister and her husband and their son and his wife for dinner and then my sister and her two kids on Saturday. Well, my son had flu like symptoms on the 23rd. He was negative but we stayed away. We are doing brunch on NYE with my folks and probably my sister. Her kids are older and are choosing not to go. 

On my wife's side the plan is to get everyone together. All three of her brothers, their wives and all the kids. That's 10 adults and 10 kids. Most of us work from home and don't go anywhere, but one couple who both have to go into the office every day. So 12 days before Christmas, one of the families that work from home had a 4th grader test positive. Then the rest of them did. So Christmas is postponed until the 3rd. I'm wondering if this is at all possible. We are hitting the height of cold and flu season. Any sniffle, stuffy head, runny nose and we are running to get tested. My two oldest have been each tested twice in the last 2 weeks. 

Honestly, I think we should probably do the shift thing here too. I'm guessing someone will get a sniffle on the 2nd and it will be pushed back and all the kids will be back into school and then we will be exposed to all sorts of things again. But they only want to do it if we can all be together. I think we should do shifts, but here we are...

 
Judge Smails said:
So one of our best friends has an annual Christmas Eve party. Big Italian feast, lots of people. We were invited but declined. They kept it small, maybe 1/5 of usual crowd. Family including sisters and Dad but 2 other families. Got the call today. My buddy, his wife and their son all positive. Glad I didn’t go 
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Christmas Eve is the big one at our home with my side.  We usually have around 30-35 people.  Old friends, my daughters friends, lot of people coming and going.  This year we cancelled and had 6 total.

Christmas Day we always have my wifes side.  This year they did not come.  Did not miss it a bit!

 
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Da Guru said:
Christmas Eve is the big one at our home with my side.  We usually have around 30-35 people.  Old friends, my daughters friends, lot of people coming and going.  This year we cancelled and had 6 total.

Christmas Day we always have my wifes side.  This year they did not come.  Did not miss it a bit!
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Similar. Went to my sisters to eat dessert and exchange gifts with her and my parents. 6 of us.

All wore masks and stayed as far apart as possible, sister has a pretty decent size house so it was easy. We canceled our big party etc

 
I love my family. I do, but I hate the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are nothing but rush to this house, get  home and cook a 2nd meal for wife's family. It was so nice on Thanksgiving to cook a meal casually, eat and drink and not have to go somewhere. Christmas is always force the kids to open their presents as quick as they can because we have to be at my sister's for lunch. 

I know that is selfish, but I just want my siblings to take care of their broods, My sister and her husband have two of their three daughters living with them, both in their 30's and unmarried-one has four kids ranging in ages of 1,2,5,16 (three different fathers none of them around BTW)  and the other one has just one who is 8. There are always 4-5 dogs running around the house. It is a nightmare going there to eat. I feel bad because it is my family, but I just want to be with my wife and daughters.  

 
TheFanatic said:
We shifted one of our usual gatherings to shifts. Normally about 25 meet at my folks for Christmas Eve. We switched to brunch there on the 24th with just my family of 6 and my folks. Then they did my dad's sister and her husband and their son and his wife for dinner and then my sister and her two kids on Saturday. Well, my son had flu like symptoms on the 23rd. He was negative but we stayed away. We are doing brunch on NYE with my folks and probably my sister. Her kids are older and are choosing not to go. 

On my wife's side the plan is to get everyone together. All three of her brothers, their wives and all the kids. That's 10 adults and 10 kids. Most of us work from home and don't go anywhere, but one couple who both have to go into the office every day. So 12 days before Christmas, one of the families that work from home had a 4th grader test positive. Then the rest of them did. So Christmas is postponed until the 3rd. I'm wondering if this is at all possible. We are hitting the height of cold and flu season. Any sniffle, stuffy head, runny nose and we are running to get tested. My two oldest have been each tested twice in the last 2 weeks. 

Honestly, I think we should probably do the shift thing here too. I'm guessing someone will get a sniffle on the 2nd and it will be pushed back and all the kids will be back into school and then we will be exposed to all sorts of things again. But they only want to do it if we can all be together. I think we should do shifts, but here we are...
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Sorry , I still would consider the shift thing being a super spreader event

 
This is the first Christmas I haven't spent in Michigan with family in my life, and we moved to Virginia 12 years ago.  My dad is 82, mom is 75.  I called it off about a week or so before Christmas and told them we weren't coming.  They understood and were I think a little relieved in all honesty since we would have been obligated to also see my wife's family.  My wife's sister took it worst of all, she was pretty mad, but there were some other circumstances there that made it harder than usual too.

Like someone said above, it just seemed stupid to put everyone at risk when there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  There are two vaccines out there with 95% efficacy, things won't be "normal" for awhile, but should be a hell of a lot better in the summer/fall.  Who knows how many more Chirstmas' my dad has left, but it's not going to be his last because of me.

 
I don't miss the gatherings, but I feel bad for my parents. My brother has used the pandemic as an excuse to cut them out of his life, and out of the lives of his kids. :(

 
lazyike said:
Things complicated by several things. Wife’s Dad passed away from Dementia back in February makes life lonelier for her Mom. A lot of the family also thinks herd immunity is what needs to be done...obviously we are on a different page.
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Personally, I wouldn't have any hard feelings towards the MIL.  80 year old going through her first Christmas without her husband and realizing she won't see some of her kids, either?  She gets a pass. The SIL on the other hand...

And what the heck is the point to herd immunity if it's achieved in a way that sacrifices Mom along the way? So stupid.

 
jhib said:
Personally, I wouldn't have any hard feelings towards the MIL.  80 year old going through her first Christmas without her husband and realizing she won't see some of her kids, either?  She gets a pass. The SIL on the other hand...

And what the heck is the point to herd immunity if it's achieved in a way that sacrifices Mom along the way? So stupid.
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She sees her kids more than you think. So she wouldn't be alone on Christmas day my wife and I visited her. Her one daughter is in her bubble and sees her every day. Another daughter visits quite often. Her son is the only kid she hasn't seen in the past week. She just wants all 9 grand kids and great grand kids and their spouses there. Everyone is expected to come and share stories of their favorite memory of Dad/Grandpa. My wife received a letter from Mom saying that we are expected to be there. She says she doesn't care what my family thinks of us coming to this and not going to my family Christmas. My sister in law got caught on speaker phone saying F*** my family. When she found out I overheard she apologized. Now it has got to the point I don't want to go for a bigger reason than Covid.....I don't want to be there even if it weren't for Covid.

 
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lazyike said:
My wife received a letter from Mom saying that we are expected to be there. She says she doesn't care what my family thinks of us coming to this and not going to my family Christmas. 
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Wow. Just... wow. I'm not quite sure I could get past my wife saying something like that. She basically just said your family doesn't matter, nor do your feelings on any of it.

Edit: Or wait, did your MIL say she doesn't care? Maybe I am reading that wrong. I really hope I am.

 
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lazyike said:
She sees her kids more than you think. So she wouldn't be alone on Christmas day my wife and I visited her. Her one daughter is in her bubble and sees her every day. Another daughter visits quite often. Her son is the only kid she hasn't seen in the past week. She just wants all 9 grand kids and great grand kids and their spouses there. Everyone is expected to come and share stories of their favorite memory of Dad/Grandpa. My wife received a letter from Mom saying that we are expected to be there. She says she doesn't care what my family thinks of us coming to this and not going to my family Christmas. My sister in law got caught on speaker phone saying F*** my family. When she found out I overheard she apologized. Now it has got to the point I don't want to go for a bigger reason than Covid.....I don't want to be there even if it weren't for Covid.
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Yikes.  I'm sorry.

My own parents are in their 80s and I'm sure they would be inclined to shrug off a lot of this Covid stuff (in line with their particular news channel of choice), but all the siblings were united in protecting each other - and especially them - from the start, so my parents pretty quickly came around to our way of thinking. I guess that's why I'm quicker to forgive the mom and blame the siblings. 

But... just yikes.

 
DallasDMac said:
Wow. Just... wow. I'm not quite sure I could get past my wife saying something like that. She basically just said your family doesn't matter, nor do your feelings on any of it.

Edit: Or wait, did your MIL say she doesn't care? Maybe I am reading that wrong. I really hope I am.
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Yes you are wrong, that is what my MIL said.

 
Godsbrother said:
I have a buddy that wanted to come over last week to my garage to do a social gathering cigar and beer.  I told him not until a couple of weeks after the holidays.   

Yesterday he texted me that his entire family has covid.    Very glad that I stuck to my guns...
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My friend took his wife to the hospital today and she’s been admitted.  She is head nurse of a big hospital in Pittsburgh and has had multiple exposures to Covid patients. I’m praying she will fully recover but this sucks

 
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