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I'm an alcoholic AMA


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TLDR See title. I'm vulnerable right now and really trying to get #### right. You'll see below but maybe I just need some strangers help?

I'll try to answer any questions but please forgive me if I miss one, or two, or six.

My first sip of anything was probably in 1983 at 5 years old. I asked my old man why Pabst was what he drank during the Packer game (had I known Packers 80s I may have been a drinker back then). I hated it. 15 years later I'm hammering beers with my boys in the woods. Otherwise my first "beer" was at 13

Long story short, myself and my alias have the most posts in the drunk thread. That was simple weekend drinking, maybe a softball night after 30 pitchers. Then I started drinking at work. A local establishment has great burgers so I would go and have a few drinks for lunch. I know the owner and then he was buying them for me. Then the liquor store down the road had some good deals so I would bring it back to my office. A few cocktails at lunch. Then a few cocktails at my desk. Then straight booze all over. This was not good. But hey, I can hide it, right?

A month ago the VP came to my office and said "Open your door. There's no Covid. It's safe". I disagreed with him, likely slurring. But I told him that he was wrong. We had a fight. I told him he was full of #### and that the corporate response to Covid was incorrect. They have since changed the policy based on my recommendations but that will never see the light of day.

The following day I had already had my 2nd drink of the day in my office at 9:30am I was called into his office.

President, VP, HR and my boss essentially told me to GTFO. I was told it was a fireable offense but after 21 years I got the benefit of the doubt. Get into rehab, FLMA, etc or be fired.

So here I am. 10 days into rehab. I'm on a number of different drugs (lexapro, gabapentin, metropolol, naltrexone).  I don't know what to end with. We'll see

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7 minutes ago, Aloof said:

Is a degree in history really even a degree?

 

What if it's from a mid-major ####ty football school?  More or less impressive?

 

I'll hang up and listen.

Wisconsin beat Auburn

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Just now, GroveDiesel said:

Good luck. It sounds like you actually recognize it’s a problem and you want to change. That’s the biggest first step. 

Thank you sir. I'm not perfect  but I'm trying

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Posted (edited)

I have a sister that is a high-functioning alcoholic.

She will never get help, as she will always be able to slide by.  Makes me sad to think about it.

Glad you're getting help.

It's you best shot.

Will be praying for you....

 

 

Edited by identikit
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4 minutes ago, identikit said:

I have a sister that is a high-functioning alcoholic.

She will never get help, as she will always be able to slide by.  Makes me sad to think about it.

Glad you're getting help.

It's you best shot.

Will be praying for you....

 

 

I can't give you or your sister any perfect advice. But I was a high functioning alcoholic, I drank a #### ton at work for over a year and slid by while doing "work"

It might suck but say something. That's what helped me.

Thank you for sharing though. 

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Just now, strykerpks said:

I can't give you or your sister any perfect advice. But I was a high functioning alcoholic, I drank a #### ton at work for over a year and slid by while doing "work"

It might suck but say something. That's what helped me.

Thank you for sharing though. 

Oh, I've said it, and then some.

GB you, fighter!

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38 minutes ago, strykerpks said:

TLDR See title. I'm vulnerable right now and really trying to get #### right. You'll see below but maybe I just need some strangers help?

I'll try to answer any questions but please forgive me if I miss one, or two, or six.

My first sip of anything was probably in 1983 at 5 years old. I asked my old man why Pabst was what he drank during the Packer game (had I known Packers 80s I may have been a drinker back then). I hated it. 15 years later I'm hammering beers with my boys in the woods. Otherwise my first "beer" was at 13

Long story short, myself and my alias have the most posts in the drunk thread. That was simple weekend drinking, maybe a softball night after 30 pitchers. Then I started drinking at work. A local establishment has great burgers so I would go and have a few drinks for lunch. I know the owner and then he was buying them for me. Then the liquor store down the road had some good deals so I would bring it back to my office. A few cocktails at lunch. Then a few cocktails at my desk. Then straight booze all over. This was not good. But hey, I can hide it, right?

A month ago the VP came to my office and said "Open your door. There's no Covid. It's safe". I disagreed with him, likely slurring. But I told him that he was wrong. We had a fight. I told him he was full of #### and that the corporate response to Covid was incorrect. They have since changed the policy based on my recommendations but that will never see the light of day.

The following day I had already had my 2nd drink of the day in my office at 9:30am I was called into his office.

President, VP, HR and my boss essentially told me to GTFO. I was told it was a fireable offense but after 21 years I got the benefit of the doubt. Get into rehab, FLMA, etc or be fired.

So here I am. 10 days into rehab. I'm on a number of different drugs (lexapro, gabapentin, metropolol, naltrexone).  I don't know what to end with. We'll see

Damn, all good vibes to your prospect of getting this under control. Did this affect your home life too? Was your wife/SO also getting concerned?

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there are so many phases of an interesting life.  Childhood and your teenage years those phases come fast and you don't get a choice. Later in life they come slower and usually only when you go after them.  Sometimes though you get forced into making those changes for health reasons or work or family or who knows what, and it's scary at first because you got used to how you were and changing feels scary 

This phase of your life was not constructive, and it almost cost you your job. But you are a good person and they liked you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt.  You are absolutely not the only person to over indulge in alcohol in their middle age especially during covid.  And they're giving you a second chance that a lot of people don't get. 

It's scary changing. Sometimes you think that it will be hard to enjoy things without alcohol or drugs.  That's the addiction talking.  Alcohol didn't make your day better, you just got used to some really destructive behavior and dealing with it seems hard. It is hard, for sure, but doing things sober means... remembering them... not making an ### of yourself... not being afraid to get caught... having a chance to try things you otherwise wouldn't... keeping your self and people arouns you safer... especially if you ever drove drunk... saving so much money... and having time for things you just plain didn't do while you were drinking...

You aren't giving up alcohol, you're gaining hours of your day that you used to spend drunk.  You can get in shape, learn new things, advance your career, clean the house and fix that squeaky stair, do all the things you put off night after night and weekend after weekend because you were drinking. And rebuild some relationships that might have been strained along the way. 

Alcoholism can sneak up on you and punch you hard in the gut. This is a much better wake up call than a lot of people get. You have some cool stuff to look forward to once you get past the very difficult beginning and ten days is an awesome start but it's just a start. 

Use this place. Your real life friends know you as the fun drinking guy (or maybe the annoying drunk guy or the talkative fun guy who secretly has been drunk since breakfast).  It will feel tempting to life up to their real or imagined expectations of you.  Don't. Stryker 2.0 is an awesome dude and you can be you and the real ones will love you. But that takes time and may involve the AA step of making amends. You might not even know what you have done to upset your friends and family. That's tough and takes time.  

But here, brother, we love you and want what is best for you and you haven't done anything wrong to me.  You have long term friends here who love you and want the best for you and who you've never hurt, nor do we have any ulterior motives.  

Does your day seem boring now that you're sober?  Tell us about your boring day.  Do you want to chat with someone but not sure how to start? Bump gmtan and we'll talk about something random. Do you need someone to talk to urgently to avoid a relapse but can't find your sponsor?  Bump this thread and @ some close friends.  I can't promise I'm always on but there are a lot of us and we are almost all aware of how difficult this is either personally or because someone close to us have been through it and there are some good people here. Including you. 

Love you gb and proud of you for not only fixing your #### but being brave enough to share it here.  

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3 minutes ago, El Floppo said:

Gl, Stryker.

Did you think you had a drinking problem before "getting caught"? Is this something you want to fix?

Yeah. This has been a long time coming. I still have not had sex in 2021. My wife noticed bad things back in December. I don't fault her, nor do I hold anything against her. My therapists actually believe this is healthy for the moment.

3 minutes ago, identikit said:

Oh, I've said it, and then some.

GB you, fighter!

Fighting is very superficial. I mean no offense. I should not be fighting. I should be living. 

1 minute ago, Mister CIA said:

Think of sobriety as a Super Power.

I'm trying. Hence this thread

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21 minutes ago, bostonfred said:

there are so many phases of an interesting life.  Childhood and your teenage years those phases come fast and you don't get a choice. Later in life they come slower and usually only when you go after them.  Sometimes though you get forced into making those changes for health reasons or work or family or who knows what, and it's scary at first because you got used to how you were and changing feels scary 

This phase of your life was not constructive, and it almost cost you your job. But you are a good person and they liked you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt.  You are absolutely not the only person to over indulge in alcohol in their middle age especially during covid.  And they're giving you a second chance that a lot of people don't get. 

It's scary changing. Sometimes you think that it will be hard to enjoy things without alcohol or drugs.  That's the addiction talking.  Alcohol didn't make your day better, you just got used to some really destructive behavior and dealing with it seems hard. It is hard, for sure, but doing things sober means... remembering them... not making an ### of yourself... not being afraid to get caught... having a chance to try things you otherwise wouldn't... keeping your self and people arouns you safer... especially if you ever drove drunk... saving so much money... and having time for things you just plain didn't do while you were drinking...

You aren't giving up alcohol, you're gaining hours of your day that you used to spend drunk.  You can get in shape, learn new things, advance your career, clean the house and fix that squeaky stair, do all the things you put off night after night and weekend after weekend because you were drinking. And rebuild some relationships that might have been strained along the way. 

Alcoholism can sneak up on you and punch you hard in the gut. This is a much better wake up call than a lot of people get. You have some cool stuff to look forward to once you get past the very difficult beginning and ten days is an awesome start but it's just a start. 

Use this place. Your real life friends know you as the fun drinking guy (or maybe the annoying drunk guy or the talkative fun guy who secretly has been drunk since breakfast).  It will feel tempting to life up to their real or imagined expectations of you.  Don't. Stryker 2.0 is an awesome dude and you can be you and the real ones will love you. But that takes time and may involve the AA step of making amends. You might not even know what you have done to upset your friends and family. That's tough and takes time.  

But here, brother, we love you and want what is best for you and you haven't done anything wrong to me.  You have long term friends here who love you and want the best for you and who you've never hurt, nor do we have any ulterior motives.  

Does your day seem boring now that you're sober?  Tell us about your boring day.  Do you want to chat with someone but not sure how to start? Bump gmtan and we'll talk about something random. Do you need someone to talk to urgently to avoid a relapse but can't find your sponsor?  Bump this thread and @ some close friends.  I can't promise I'm always on but there are a lot of us and we are almost all aware of how difficult this is either personally or because someone close to us have been through it and there are some good people here. Including you. 

Love you gb and proud of you for not only fixing your #### but being brave enough to share it here.  

This is good. I need a minute to process. Thank you

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No questions. No great insights. Just another FBG who is rooting for you and hoping and praying that you will find the strength to battle the demons and come out feeling like your life is so much better than ever.  Good luck man.

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11 minutes ago, kevzilla said:

I feel a little guilty for posting from the bar, but I love you and you got this. 

For real, I'll venmo you a drink. I'm an alcoholic, not an a$$hole

 

40 minutes ago, bostonfred said:

there are so many phases of an interesting life.  Childhood and your teenage years those phases come fast and you don't get a choice. Later in life they come slower and usually only when you go after them.  Sometimes though you get forced into making those changes for health reasons or work or family or who knows what, and it's scary at first because you got used to how you were and changing feels scary 

This phase of your life was not constructive, and it almost cost you your job. But you are a good person and they liked you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt.  You are absolutely not the only person to over indulge in alcohol in their middle age especially during covid.  And they're giving you a second chance that a lot of people don't get. 

It's scary changing. Sometimes you think that it will be hard to enjoy things without alcohol or drugs.  That's the addiction talking.  Alcohol didn't make your day better, you just got used to some really destructive behavior and dealing with it seems hard. It is hard, for sure, but doing things sober means... remembering them... not making an ### of yourself... not being afraid to get caught... having a chance to try things you otherwise wouldn't... keeping your self and people arouns you safer... especially if you ever drove drunk... saving so much money... and having time for things you just plain didn't do while you were drinking...

You aren't giving up alcohol, you're gaining hours of your day that you used to spend drunk.  You can get in shape, learn new things, advance your career, clean the house and fix that squeaky stair, do all the things you put off night after night and weekend after weekend because you were drinking. And rebuild some relationships that might have been strained along the way. 

Alcoholism can sneak up on you and punch you hard in the gut. This is a much better wake up call than a lot of people get. You have some cool stuff to look forward to once you get past the very difficult beginning and ten days is an awesome start but it's just a start. 

Use this place. Your real life friends know you as the fun drinking guy (or maybe the annoying drunk guy or the talkative fun guy who secretly has been drunk since breakfast).  It will feel tempting to life up to their real or imagined expectations of you.  Don't. Stryker 2.0 is an awesome dude and you can be you and the real ones will love you. But that takes time and may involve the AA step of making amends. You might not even know what you have done to upset your friends and family. That's tough and takes time.  

But here, brother, we love you and want what is best for you and you haven't done anything wrong to me.  You have long term friends here who love you and want the best for you and who you've never hurt, nor do we have any ulterior motives.  

Does your day seem boring now that you're sober?  Tell us about your boring day.  Do you want to chat with someone but not sure how to start? Bump gmtan and we'll talk about something random. Do you need someone to talk to urgently to avoid a relapse but can't find your sponsor?  Bump this thread and @ some close friends.  I can't promise I'm always on but there are a lot of us and we are almost all aware of how difficult this is either personally or because someone close to us have been through it and there are some good people here. Including you. 

Love you gb and proud of you for not only fixing your #### but being brave enough to share it here.  

I honestly thank you Fred for your thoughts and wisdom. Between you, GM, wikked, SLB, SID, etc, there's a handful of posters that I truly respect when it comes to actual, actual stuff.

I have a number of thoughts but ultimately I'm just trying to get through today. Stryker 2.0 is today, but it's still in beta testing. 

I just spoke with my sister who offered to come over on Sunday to take a trailer load of some brush we have to the dump. We're trying to clear out a huge area of dead trees, buckthorn, etc. Seems trivial but it's awesome to have that help. I'm sure we'll discuss booze and how I'm doing but the initial offer is awesome.

I (every paragraph will start with I) have a very solid support system in place. It's no FBG but it helps. 

I wouldn't have started this thread if I didn't think that the denizens here would a)judge b)be richards c)call me names. :shrug:

 

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1 hour ago, Chemical X said:

the 9.30a drink, was that eastern or central time?

Central. And more likely 9am. I was honestly hammered by noon almost every day. 

I hate to say it but my employer "catching" me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me

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1 hour ago, Uwe Blab said:

Damn, all good vibes to your prospect of getting this under control. Did this affect your home life too? Was your wife/SO also getting concerned?

Absolutely. It started when my wife found a half 1.75 of Captain in my car. 

It's really awful for me to admit but I was drinking and driving pretty much every day. I wish I had a better explanation. I'm just a POS

My wife has expressed her disappointment. But she has now attended her own Al Anon meetings. We have not had sex in 2021. Not that I'm a hornball or anything like that, but I miss that intimacy. She has essentially said "I can't trust you."

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Wishing you the best @strykerpks.  As someone who loves craft beer I’ve questioned whether I’m also an alcoholic. I’ve started focusing on improving my personal health/fitness, but the beer is the thing that’s absolutely holding me back. Sounds like you’ve recognized you have a problem and are working to improve yourself. Wishing you a successful journey. 

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You have a beautiful family and though it might be hard for her, I know your wife supports and loves you.  You’re also smarter and stronger than most people and GOT THIS ####.

On a personal front, you reached out and were kind to me at a time when it was much appreciated.  So GDit, I’m on your side and would do anything I could to help.  Let me know/. 

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From what I understand you need to fully abstain. There is no middle ground on drinking with your pattern. Recognize that it’s either zero or it’s drunk by noon. Choose the former. 
 

wishing you well...  naltrexone works, maybe watch the move on it

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12 minutes ago, Dickies said:

Wishing you the best @strykerpks.  As someone who loves craft beer I’ve questioned whether I’m also an alcoholic. I’ve started focusing on improving my personal health/fitness, but the beer is the thing that’s absolutely holding me back. Sounds like you’ve recognized you have a problem and are working to improve yourself. Wishing you a successful journey. 

Thanks Dick. I just wanted to type that. It's funny. For real though my best friend is a master taster, with a $15000 set up in his basement. His first words to me were "Come over and we'll hang out on my porch with no alcohol involved"

I love him so hard for that

7 minutes ago, krista4 said:

You have a beautiful family and though it might be hard for her, I know your wife supports and loves you.  You’re also smarter and stronger than most people and GOT THIS ####.

On a personal front, you reached out and were kind to me at a time when it was much appreciated.  So GDit, I’m on your side and would do anything I could to help.  Let me know/. 

I will never not be kind to you. Thank you. Wait is that a double negative? ;) 

5 minutes ago, wilked said:

From what I understand you need to fully abstain. There is no middle ground on drinking with your pattern. Recognize that it’s either zero or it’s drunk by noon. Choose the former. 
 

wishing you well...  naltrexone works, maybe watch the move on it

Abstaining is where I'm at right now. Going on 10 days. It's not the greatest story in the world but it's a start. 

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2 minutes ago, The Z Machine said:

No you're not.  You have an addiction.  And you have our love and support. 

Thank you. That really does mean a lot. I said that somewhat tongue in cheek. But to a certain extent I feel that way. Not that my feelings are wrong but more that I shouldn't be here in the first place. If that makes sense. :shrug:

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4 minutes ago, jobarules said:

Did you have bad withdrawal symptoms?

Early on I had some pretty bad tremors/shakes. I also had some bad itches on the back of my legs when trying to sleep.

It was weird, I also had crazy dandruff and my fingernails would rip off. 

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3 minutes ago, strykerpks said:

Thank you. That really does mean a lot. I said that somewhat tongue in cheek. But to a certain extent I feel that way. Not that my feelings are wrong but more that I shouldn't be here in the first place. If that makes sense. :shrug:

This is what therapy is for.  Talk that #### out. 

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For a little while, you might be overwhelmed thinking about living your whole life without drinking because it’s been your whole life. Eventually you’ll realize it’s really just one out of a billion things you can be doing.

Also, after maybe two weeks or a month or so, you’ll be amazed by some things every day, like not feeling like crap all the time, remembering stuff, your sweet tooth will be nuts but you still might lose weight, not feeling like you’re going to die if you don’t get a drink in, I’m not kidding about the sweet tooth, random bouts of euphoria, maybe some boredom until you figure out what you want to spend time doing, etc.

Your best days are ahead.

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3 minutes ago, The Z Machine said:

This is what therapy is for.  Talk that #### out. 

Hence I'm in therapy. I'm trying to be pretty vulnerable right now and let you know that I am talking that #### out. 

I'm trying. It's not immediate nor perfectly awesome right away. 

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Hang in there Stryker... it does get easier. I am 2 weeks shy of 1 year sober. I found myself slipping into some not so good drinking habits and had to stop. It will snowball and the days will turn into weeks, and then months... and one day you’ll wake up and wonder why the hell did all that drinking. 

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Damn dude. This thread takes some big balls. Impressive. Keep throwing yourself out there, you might be surprised by the love that comes back. 

This #### ain’t easy.  You need anything, let us know. 

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4 minutes ago, tuffnutt said:

Hang in there Stryker... it does get easier. I am 2 weeks shy of 1 year sober. I found myself slipping into some not so good drinking habits and had to stop. It will snowball and the days will turn into weeks, and then months... and one day you’ll wake up and wonder why the hell did all that drinking. 

My first day of treatment, 2 people "graduated" from PHP to IOP (partial hospitalization to intensive outpatient for those wondering). Another the 3rd day. Another today. There's still 9 people in my group. It's totally encouraging and gives me a ton of confidence. I am hoping with all my might that I can be one of those people. 

3 minutes ago, DA RAIDERS said:

Damn dude. This thread takes some big balls. Impressive. Keep throwing yourself out there, you might be surprised by the love that comes back. 

This #### ain’t easy.  You need anything, let us know. 

I've offered this info to a few people and most have used the word "balls". I get it. It does take "balls" to admit this kind of thing. But ultimately it's not the balls. It's me. Just me. I can stick my #### in the freezer and cold #### you but in the long run I'm still just me. 

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Just now, culdeus said:

Why the gab rx? Isn't that stuff addictive in it's own?

I was told not so. It's the utility baseball player that can do LF, SS, C, pitch in a 17-2 game.....it does a lot of things well, but not one thing very very well. 

I'm being monitored with 2 pee tests/week, and a blood draw. They're pretty on top of what I'm taking. The gab is helping me sleep so they're ok with it. I'm on the lowest dose possible and am actually taking less. I'm allowed 1-3 pills up to 4x per day. I take one in the morning, one in the afternoon and 2 at night.

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1 hour ago, tuffnutt said:

Hang in there Stryker... it does get easier. I am 2 weeks shy of 1 year sober. I found myself slipping into some not so good drinking habits and had to stop. It will snowball and the days will turn into weeks, and then months... and one day you’ll wake up and wonder why the hell did all that drinking. 

This is awesome to read.   Keep it going tuffnutt.

I remember my first few months alcohol free were beyond challenging at times.   More than once, dealing with BS at work or home I would think “Jesus, this is why I liked to drink so much.”

Many years later now, that thought doesn’t even cross my mind.  Wouldn’t trade my life now for my old life.  

Not every day is easy or perfect, but on average it gets better a little bit each day.

Stryker, kudos for taking a big step and thanks for sharing your experience in the moment.

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