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Parenting advice (1 Viewer)

T

That one guy

Footballguy
Out of nowhere the kid (nearly 7yo daughter) has developed a massive separation anxiety that causes panic attack at bedtime and she will not stay in her bedroom.  To boot, her mother and I both have covid and can’t let her sleep with us; not that I want to give in, but it’s not even a last ditch effort to get sleep option.

I have no idea how to battle this without coming across as heartless and uncaring, “just get over it”.  She says she’s scared to be alone.  Have any of y’all encountered similar and figured out a decent approach?

 
I always tried to give “rules with reason” which you have (Covid) but there were times I just had to say, “because I said so”. I would give her the reason, assure her you both love her, it’s for her best and gut it out. It’s a hard lesson to learn at 7 but you really have no other choices with the Covid.
 

Perhaps a monitor in the room to talk with her? FaceTime before bed and some times throughout the day? Maybe something like that would help? 

 
I have never had any issues with co-sleeping. I would just let them sleep with me. They eventually grow out of it. I have 7 kids between the ages of 23-3.

 
bro1ncos said:
Non professional opinion. 

If she knows you have covid and she knows people are dieing from it. She is equating the two
Click to expand...
Agree that it seems way too coincidental to think they're not related.

Don't have specific advice for your situation, TOG, but as the parent of two children on the autism spectrum, this sounds exactly like the kind of thing we would ask our behavioral therapist for help with. And she would probably tell us to a) figure out what's at the root of the anxiety, and b) find ways to reinforce the desired behavior and discourage the problem behavior. Easier said than done, I know.

If it's getting really bad, I might recommend talking to a child psychologist (or at least start with her pediatrician and see what they recommend). The fact that you've fallen into this pattern, while not your fault, means that it may take some work to break out of it.

Good luck!

 
bro1ncos said:
Non professional opinion. 

If she knows you have covid and she knows people are dieing from it. She is equating the two
Click to expand...


This. Even if she's not taking it to the extreme of death, she likely knows Covid is scary so she's scared.

If you haven't already, you need to tell her calmly that mom and dad are both a little sick and need your rest- and because you're sick, you can't have her sleeping with you until you're better. Make sure she understands that it's for both of your health. Ask her if there's something else she can do and you can help her with when she gets scared at bed-time instead of trying to sleep with you- include her in her own solution making process so it's not a "battle" but an opportunity for team-work, support and mutual understanding.

 
My kids are around that age, and they get worries about stuff like that at times as well, which comes with the territory of being young and not knowing about how things work. To that end, my wife and I have talks with them and explain it in ways they can understand(she’s better at explaining things than I am, but I can show things better), and it works out pretty well. They still get scared on occasion, but it’s a process.

 
agreed with the "talk to her" advice

"mom and dad are sick & we don't want to get you sick. we'll be ok. we're right here. we aren't going anywhere. we can leave doors open and you can come see us if you get scared, but you have to get back in bed and get your rest. if you need a light/white noise/teddy bear you can have that, but we need to rest so we can get better...."

my now 10 year old went through a really difficult phase of fighting us about being in her own bed. eventually she decided that having her stuffed animals, pillows, a nightlight, books, music and a canopy was way better than the boring old quiet, dark room we had.

 
My stepson went through huge separation anxiety, I think it was from the divorce.  I can't really remember anything that "worked". A lot of screaming, crying, sleepless nights 

 
Yeah, unfair to her with my “out of nowhere” description, I think it’s clearly covid related.  I meant mostly that covid started early last week for us and the sleeping issues this week.  It’s probably fatigue on her side of having to isolate from us in the sense that we can’t snuggle/hug/physical interaction of any kind we take for granted AND she’s also removed from school/friends to compound everything.

The talks and assurances did nothing, she literally panicked herself into dry heaving last night.  At this point I’m going to have to let her in my spare bedroom on a sleeping bag or something to avoid close contact to me but still “with” me.  Her mom is still hacking up a lung and fully isolated.  She has to sleep, I have to sleep, I just feel like giving in will only reinforce this and prolong it

We're asking a lot of this poor girl and I struggle to step back and understand that a 6yo isn’t built to handle this even though I know that to be the case.  Her life has been so disrupted

We will likely end up at child psychologist regardless, she exhibits prior to this way too much of ADHD/anxiety/oppositional defiance.  Her kindergarten teacher agreed, though said at least for her class it didn’t impact learning (just the kids around her sometimes)

 
Tell her not to worry so much, the boogey man in her closet will chase away any monsters under her bed.

 
I feel for you....being a parent can be so awesome and so heart wrenching....sometimes all in the same day or even hour!

My 8 YO son is in therapy for OCD which has been exacerbated by remote learning, and the general S show that is ongoing.

This is tricky, and I'm not sure how you navigate it.  

I will try to give you a bit of comfort in that we feel like our situation may be a "blessing in disguise" in that we are getting our son the help he needs early, instead of just "dealing" with it.....you will get through this

 
Last edited by a moderator:
That one guy said:
Out of nowhere the kid (nearly 7yo daughter) has developed a massive separation anxiety that causes panic attack at bedtime and she will not stay in her bedroom.  To boot, her mother and I both have covid and can’t let her sleep with us; not that I want to give in, but it’s not even a last ditch effort to get sleep option.

I have no idea how to battle this without coming across as heartless and uncaring, “just get over it”.  She says she’s scared to be alone.  Have any of y’all encountered similar and figured out a decent approach?
Click to expand...
Our daughter developed anxiety during Covid, so you're not alone.  Things that never seemed to bother her were suddenly causing panic such as me turning on the gas grill (which I've done countless times) or leaving an oven unattended to preheat.  The smoke alarm went off because I didn't wrap my garlic tightly enough in foil and dripped down causing some smoke.  Well, that alarm triggered her and she ran out of the house screaming in hysterics.  These are all new behaviors and I have no doubt it's Covid related.   It's gotten better; we had a zoom chat with a therapist (that was awkward) and she started playing with neighborhood friends again and that's helped.  But I think kids in general are dealing with something we never had to and this is uncharted waters for us parents (and our kiddos).  

Wish I had some advice, but we're horrible about co-sleeping with kids.  My attitude has always been that if we can't correct the co-sleeping issue, their spouses will. ;)

And as a dad with one going off to college and another in his senior year, it goes by too damn fast.  I'm lucky if I see them for a few minutes a day, so with the littles, I'm hanging on harder than I might have with the olders.  I'll blink and they'll be going off to college.  

 
That one guy said:
Yeah, unfair to her with my “out of nowhere” description, I think it’s clearly covid related.  I meant mostly that covid started early last week for us and the sleeping issues this week.  It’s probably fatigue on her side of having to isolate from us in the sense that we can’t snuggle/hug/physical interaction of any kind we take for granted AND she’s also removed from school/friends to compound everything.

The talks and assurances did nothing, she literally panicked herself into dry heaving last night.  At this point I’m going to have to let her in my spare bedroom on a sleeping bag or something to avoid close contact to me but still “with” me.  Her mom is still hacking up a lung and fully isolated.  She has to sleep, I have to sleep, I just feel like giving in will only reinforce this and prolong it

We're asking a lot of this poor girl and I struggle to step back and understand that a 6yo isn’t built to handle this even though I know that to be the case.  Her life has been so disrupted

We will likely end up at child psychologist regardless, she exhibits prior to this way too much of ADHD/anxiety/oppositional defiance.  Her kindergarten teacher agreed, though said at least for her class it didn’t impact learning (just the kids around her sometimes)
Click to expand...


in my experience with both my kids (10 & 14), including them in the solution-making process... or "letting" them come up with the ideas (usually at our prompts) and solutions in a brain-storming solution-solving discussion always worked when they'd get into this kind of loop. My 14yo especially had a hard time separating at pre-school the year after we had a fire in our building and had to live elsewhere for year (after having to literally drag him cryign out of a burning building, leaving all his stuff behind). frustrating, scary times...but having him come up with how to best deal with the separation was the only way we got through it.

my 2c

 
Good stuff everyone, appreciate it

The psychology studies/books that will come from this covid time will be interesting.  I somehow managed until now complete avoidance of covid, no close friends or relatives with it.  It was obviously built up through last year that it was dangerous but always just a warning for her.  Suddenly both mom and dad have it and she just has to “handle” it.  Rough stuff

 
That one guy said:
Good stuff everyone, appreciate it

The psychology studies/books that will come from this covid time will be interesting.  I somehow managed until now complete avoidance of covid, no close friends or relatives with it.  It was obviously built up through last year that it was dangerous but always just a warning for her.  Suddenly both mom and dad have it and she just has to “handle” it.  Rough stuff
Click to expand...


Are you vaccinated?

 
General Malaise said:
Our daughter developed anxiety during Covid, so you're not alone.  Things that never seemed to bother her were suddenly causing panic such as me turning on the gas grill (which I've done countless times) or leaving an oven unattended to preheat.  The smoke alarm went off because I didn't wrap my garlic tightly enough in foil and dripped down causing some smoke.  Well, that alarm triggered her and she ran out of the house screaming in hysterics.  These are all new behaviors and I have no doubt it's Covid related.   It's gotten better; we had a zoom chat with a therapist (that was awkward) and she started playing with neighborhood friends again and that's helped.  But I think kids in general are dealing with something we never had to and this is uncharted waters for us parents (and our kiddos).  

Wish I had some advice, but we're horrible about co-sleeping with kids.  My attitude has always been that if we can't correct the co-sleeping issue, their spouses will. ;)

And as a dad with one going off to college and another in his senior year, it goes by too damn fast.  I'm lucky if I see them for a few minutes a day, so with the littles, I'm hanging on harder than I might have with the olders.  I'll blink and they'll be going off to college.  
Click to expand...
My daughter spoke with a therapist for ~ 6 months, about once a week

 
17 year old is on anxiety meds now that help.   She's just started the college application process and is supposed to be going back to school for her senior year, but now that's up in the air and she'll probably be online again.   She's asked me to find her a therapist because she's feeling stressed out and overwhelmed.   They're all completely booked and not taking new patients.

 
I don't have a lot of wisdom here but wanted to say I'm sorry she is going through this.

Do you have any family pets?  Maybe they could sleep in her room if they don't already.  And I like the idea of some type of communication.  Maybe get walkie talkies and make kind of a game out of it?

 
bro1ncos said:
Non professional opinion. 

If she knows you have covid and she knows people are dieing from it. She is equating the two
Click to expand...
My opinion is also non professional—but I absolutely see validity in this. For over a year covid has been a very negative topic of conversation for children.  They hear about people getting sick, death counts, how it’s separated them from school and potentially friends—and the fact that it’s at home—is probably a scary phenomenon for her.   

 
Another thought I had.  Can she go and stay with a grandparent or an uncle and aunt while you all are sick? Allow her to do something special and fun? Try to take her mind of what is going on at home. 

 
Beef Ravioli said:
Another thought I had.  Can she go and stay with a grandparent or an uncle and aunt while you all are sick? Allow her to do something special and fun? Try to take her mind of what is going on at home. 
Click to expand...
That might make it worse.  She might think she did something wrong or that her parents are about to die.

 
El Floppo said:
in my experience with both my kids (10 & 14), including them in the solution-making process... or "letting" them come up with the ideas (usually at our prompts) and solutions in a brain-storming solution-solving discussion always worked when they'd get into this kind of loop. My 14yo especially had a hard time separating at pre-school the year after we had a fire in our building and had to live elsewhere for year (after having to literally drag him cryign out of a burning building, leaving all his stuff behind). frustrating, scary times...but having him come up with how to best deal with the separation was the only way we got through it.

my 2c
Click to expand...
:goodposting:

She needs to regain the sense of comfort and safety (and control) that she had prior to COVID.

 
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