College Freshman Transition (1 Viewer)

I need some help from the FFA community.

TLR - My daughter is at school 5 hrs away, miserable and wants to leave.  Her mother and I want her to stay for the semester.  She's ready to drop out. Both my wife and daughter are hard-headed.

My daughter started college two weeks ago and is living on campus 5 hours away. She had roommates lined up in the spring, but the University split them up into different dorms. She's in a dorm room with three other girls she doesn't know. She is having a hard time transitioning into school. Her sleep schedule is off. She's bored and doesn't leave her room. Acting depressed, she sleeps throughout the day and is up all night. She's going to classes, but only talks how miserable it is.

she has been calling her mom at all hours if the day and night. We urged her to go out to new student events and try to meet people. She complains about not having friends. She has tried to meet up with the people she was going to room with, but they make plans without her. Emerging her to get out and do more things. She works out at night. She doesn't want to get a job because she thinks it's too much on top of school work. She's hard-headed like her mom.

Her mom has dug in her heels and taken the stance that she is not to come home until the end of the semester. My daughter thinks she can transfer in the spring but I've had conversations with her and she is not even thought this through. She just wants to drop out, move home, get a job here, and then start at the local University in the spring. I can understand that idea because that's where all of our friends are, so she'll be happy. But I want her to finish the semester to at least get the credits for the classes she started. She told me last night she's "signing herself out and leaving".  Her mom heard and yelled "you do that and you can't come home!"

We are at a standstill. Has anyone ever dealt with this before? I could really use some advice from those who have been there on how to deal with my daughter and also how to balance expectations with the wife. 

What kind of kid is she? Level-headed or rash and impulsive? If the former my vote is let her make her own decisions. If the latter, then sorry I don't have great advice for you.

I quit grad school without finishing a semester. I knew immediately it wasn't the right place for me. Never regretted it for a second.

GL Peak family.

Some kids thrive away from home while others don’t . Can’t fit a square peg in a round hole.  For now the 5 hours is your ally. I know one of our kids schools advocated waiting until  Columbus Day for freshman to come home. Maybe that’s a compromise your D and wife can live with. Puts a carrot in front of your daughter. Things change fast in this situation, by next week she could in a different frame of mind. Good luck

I'd bargain with her and tell her she can transfer to a school closer to home, but stipulate that she cannot drop out. This gives her a semester to get her sea legs. It may take the pressure off and allow her to relax. Sometimes young people just need to know that they have an eject button.

Do she have any underlying issues that would complicate her transitioning to new experiences, social anxieties, etc? Has she ever gone to a sleep away camp?

Tbh, without knowing her- this sounds more like immaturity and acting out/taking control of things she can- sleep, how is she eating? 2 weeks is fine to be homesick...but not enough to be making huge decisions about her life choices. I'm usually not a suck it up parent, but she's got to suck it up and not act like a 10yo going to camp for the first time. My 2c, sorry.

College can/should be a time for young people to learn to be independent and experience new places and people. Her wanting to be at the closer college sounds like it's born more out of fear of those things than any rational choice judging the underlying educational and life differences between the current and home schools. 

Dropping my son off at college today for his freshman year, so I can relate with you. We’re optimistic he’ll do ok, but there’s always concern in the back of our mind he’ll struggle (especially given the COVID-induced tough HS senior year).

I think you’ve given good advice to try to meet people and get involved. If she doesn’t leave her dorm room open, she should. And all schools have some sort of counselors to help freshman - encourage her to seek them out. I’m sure she’s far from the only person going through this.

Murph said:

What kind of kid is she? Level-headed or rash and impulsive?

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She's very level-headed and independent.  Strong-willed girl, just like her mother.  She's always had that attitude and never let people bother her in HS.  This is what is driving me crazy, in that this current behavior is not her.  She's one that once her mind is set, she's going to do it.  She's never been impulsive or acted out.  I can only think that her anxiety over this is real because she's never done this before.  

HellToupee said:

For now the 5 hours is your ally. I know one of our kids schools advocated waiting until  Columbus Day for freshman to come home. Maybe that’s a compromise your D and wife can live with

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Cold Dead Hands said:

I'd bargain with her and tell her she can transfer to a school closer to home, but stipulate that she cannot drop out. This gives her a semester to get her sea legs.

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This is where I'm at now.  I had a lengthy conversation with her last night trying to find a compromise.  D is adamant that she will not wait that long.  We told her to wait until the end of the semester (Thanksgiving) and we'd work with her to transfer if that's still what she wants to do.  The 5hr drive is helping because she's not going to drop things and run back home.  I'm hoping that barrier remains to keep her at the school.

My wife won't talk about quitting school, and I don't blame her.  My daughter worked hard to get into this school and its her "dream" school.  I guess it's not as "dreamy" as she thought it would be. I told my daughter that if she really is adamant about leaving, then come to me with a plan.  Find out what it takes to transfer out to another school.  Find a school and talk to them about their transfer schedule and deadlines for Spring Semester.  She needs to come to the table with more than anxiety and ideas.  My hope is that forcing her to do this will 1) kill time until she gets comfortable where she is, and 2) force her to realize it's not as easy as google/tiktok is telling her.

Right now she is too busy telling me I'm not listening to her, rather than hearing what I'm telling her.  If she tries to make it work and it doesn't, then I'll support her move with no problem.  Some schools aren't the right fit.  But she hasn't tried yet. 

El Floppo said:

I'm usually not a suck it up parent, but she's got to suck it up and not act like a 10yo going to camp for the first time.

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This is how I ended things last night.  She sent me texts at 2am and 3am that we (her parents) don't understand and don't care.  She's gone from being no drama to nothing but drama.  Crazy.  No underlying issues.  She's been steady as a rock, and by far the most self-sufficient and reliable of my 3 kids.  

zamboni said:

And all schools have some sort of counselors to help freshman - encourage her to seek them out. I’m sure she’s far from the only person going through this.

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This. You're not going to be able to fix this with random phone calls from 5 hours away. She likely wont listen to you anyway. These people are trained for this and deal with it all the time. Have her work with a counselor for a day/week/month. If she still wants to transfer after that, you guys will figure it out. Need to at least give it a try though. Good luck. Nothing tougher than seeing your kids struggle with something. 

I'd take her wishes a bit more seriously given that this doesn't sound like typical behavior for her.  I think you need to try to understand why she's feeling the way she is.

Was she excited about going when she first made the decision?  Did she lose enthusiasm when the roommate situation didn't turn out how she had planned?  Or was it not until she started school?

Also, could make sense to have her come home for a long weekend soon.  She made be idealizing what living at home would be like.  A few days with you nagging her about stuff, realizing that with her friends all away at school home isn't so fun, etc. might change her thinking a bit.

Hey Peak,

During college orientation we had a Pulitzer Prize winning author as one of the speakers.  She told of her painful and lonely journey through high school and that the first day of college at lunchtime as she was making the long walk to a lonely lunch alone she got mad and said no and then spied every person sitting alone...

She didn't say a word but started grabbing people and directing them to an open table, soon it was full of people who would otherwise be sitting alone.  She said at first it was awkward but we are social animals and people started conversing.  She said that every single one of the people at that table became life-long friends and were inseparable and they all became wildly successful.  

She said every single one of them got back to her and thanked her for what she did and all of them shared stories about being isolated and loneliness leading up to that incredible day she 'forced' them all together.

I didn't have 'that' experience I had something similar happen the first time I was at the college cafeteria where an 'enthusiastic' girl from the dorms saw me and wildly began flagging me from the back of the line, I had no interest and sped through the line and moved to an isolated corner to avoid her but she found me. 

I though to myself NO!

I said I thought I saw 'others' from the dorm and did the same thing, picked out the people sitting alone and gathered them all together.  Same thing happened.  We ate every day together, started a broom ball team, hit happy hours, formed a strong 'click' and I still keep in touch with some who have been friends for decades.

She NEEDS to be with people.  Everyone needs that but especially young people who feel vulnerable.  

If/WHEN she starts making those connections everything will start falling into place.

Peak said:

This is where I'm at now.  I had a lengthy conversation with her last night trying to find a compromise.  D is adamant that she will not wait that long.  We told her to wait until the end of the semester (Thanksgiving) and we'd work with her to transfer if that's still what she wants to do.  The 5hr drive is helping because she's not going to drop things and run back home.  I'm hoping that barrier remains to keep her at the school.

My wife won't talk about quitting school, and I don't blame her.  My daughter worked hard to get into this school and its her "dream" school.  I guess it's not as "dreamy" as she thought it would be. I told my daughter that if she really is adamant about leaving, then come to me with a plan.  Find out what it takes to transfer out to another school.  Find a school and talk to them about their transfer schedule and deadlines for Spring Semester.  She needs to come to the table with more than anxiety and ideas.  My hope is that forcing her to do this will 1) kill time until she gets comfortable where she is, and 2) force her to realize it's not as easy as google/tiktok is telling her.

Right now she is too busy telling me I'm not listening to her, rather than hearing what I'm telling her.  If she tries to make it work and it doesn't, then I'll support her move with no problem.  Some schools aren't the right fit.  But she hasn't tried yet. 

This is how I ended things last night.  She sent me texts at 2am and 3am that we (her parents) don't understand and don't care.  She's gone from being no drama to nothing but drama.  Crazy.  No underlying issues.  She's been steady as a rock, and by far the most self-sufficient and reliable of my 3 kids.  

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This all sounds like a great approach.

do you feel like you truly understand what's going on with her? if she's saying you don't... help her understand that you do.

Peak said:

She's very level-headed and independent.  Strong-willed girl, just like her mother.  She's always had that attitude and never let people bother her in HS.  This is what is driving me crazy, in that this current behavior is not her.  She's one that once her mind is set, she's going to do it.  She's never been impulsive or acted out.  I can only think that her anxiety over this is real because she's never done this before.  

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Maybe the compromise is meeting her anxiety somewhere- working it out with her to get that understanding of where she's coming from, or getting her help/counseling/something- with the rest of that on the table. Something to help get her through whatever is getting her freaking out now so the decision is made out of reason and not fear.

why isn't she socializing with the new room mates? that's usually the easiest place to start. have her reach out to her friends and get her to express her anxiety to them and say she really needs a meet-up just so she can talk this over with somebody who knows her. they're probably going through their own stuff too... and not intentionally bailing on her.

Yeah, tough spot. Its just so situation/person dependent.

If she's not someone who has a history of dealing with anxiety/depression, I'd be really tempted to just chalk it up to home sickness/missing her friends.  If she's someone who has been close with the same crew of kids since she was 13 years old, its tough to let that go (especially if your college situation isn't set up perfectly). I didn't have a bunch of CLOSE friends in HS, but I sort of casually hung around with a bunch of different crews and had a pretty wide circle and knew everyone. It was a tough adjustment losing that when I left.

I went to school about 3 hours away from home. (small private school of ~4K undergrads)  I was the only person from my class to go there, so I knew nobody. I was an athlete growing up and had always hung out with other athletes. I get to college and the guys on my dorm floor (other than a kinda douchy guy from Long Island, who I had no desire to hang with) were NOT that. So I had very little in common (seemingly) with my roommate (who was a drummer/comic book guy and just about the least athletic person you'll ever meet) or any of the others. For the first month or 2, I was just kinda going through the motions. We went out to parties a few times (and had some fun doing it) and I met some other people through some of my classes or playing pickup at the gym, but didn't really have any "friends" really. 

I went home for fall break and just kinda broke down and told my parents I wanted to transfer. Wanted to come home to the big state school where I would know some people. 

Shortly after....for whatever reason....things just kinda started to click. Kept hanging with the guys on my floor and going out to more parties. Played a couple of intramural sports that linked me up with some people. Oddly enough, the thing that kinda brought us all together as a group was late night Mario Kart sessions on the N64 (along with a general dislike for our RA, who became a real Richard after his GF broke up with him over winter break). And one day I just kinda realized that even though my roommate and I didn't have a ton of mutual interests (other than some movies and TV shows) he was just a super good dude that was easy to get along with. We ended up rooming together for 3 years and 15 years post-graduation (God I feel old) we still have a group of 5 of us plus the growing roster of wives, husbands (one of my buddies turned out to be gay), girlfriends and kids that make up our little extended family.

Bottom line....you know your kid. As long as she isn't in serious mental jeopardy, there's no way I'm letting her home home mid first semester. Just a total waste of time, money and effort that she might be throwing away over a bad case of home sickness.  Not a chance.

Not to bring up a touchy subject, but any indication she had a very bad interaction with a guy in her short time there?

I've currently got no solutions for you but you're not alone in your predicament.  I'm dealing with the same situation with my daughter.  Dropped her off at college last Friday and she was already in tears before classes even started on Monday.

It's been nightly calls/texts telling us how miserable she is and how she made the wrong decision.  We keep emphasizing there's no way she could already know it's the wrong decision as she hasn't even completed her first week of classes and has yet to learn the name of anyone on her floor outside of her roommate.

I keep hoping, much like some of the anecdotes above, that some type A personality will take her under their wing so she doesn't feel so isolated, but it's gonna be hard cause she's only barely leaving her dorm room.

I'll continue to monitor this thread for suggestions and if we experience any breakthroughs I'll make sure to post them, but until then, take comfort in knowing your not the only family struggling with this issue.

J

Do you guys with college freshman think the last year of COVID is promoting some of this behavior?

El Floppo said:

Do you guys with college freshman think the last year of COVID is promoting some of this behavior?

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Just sounds like homesickness to me.  

Peak said:

She's very level-headed and independent.  Strong-willed girl, just like her mother.  She's always had that attitude and never let people bother her in HS.  This is what is driving me crazy, in that this current behavior is not her.  She's one that once her mind is set, she's going to do it.  She's never been impulsive or acted out.  I can only think that her anxiety over this is real because she's never done this before.  

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chiming in with my experience because it sounds similar to what i went through my first year.

wasn't having separation anxiety. didn't miss home. no problem making new friends. just did not like the environment at all. realized it wasn't for me. felt trapped.

my parents didn't call me. i didn't call them. we didn't talk about it because it wouldn't have mattered one way or another. they would have told me to #### and suck it up. (which was proven in later years).

i was freaking miserable for a full school year. not because of distance from home. not because of any dramatic attitude. not because of fear. none of that. the school was just awful. the dorms were like a prison. unbeknownst to me (and others) the school changed their student expectations to be more in line with some moral code they invented for my incoming class.... there was nothing around for college students to do. nobody was hiring. i didn't have a car. no money. no way to get away. the walls closed in on me, i got down and just needed to be away from it.

wound up dropping out and moving back to my hometown, got a job and re-upped at a different school (not near my hometown) the following year.

sometimes the match is just not good and telling a kid "eff you, be an adult and be miserable because that's what it means to be an adult" is waaaaaaay out of line with reality. 18 year olds are fragile enough. best to listen and try to help. she could just drop out and not tell you anything. which she might do if there's push back.

years after my schooling days were done i finally talked to my parents about why i dropped out and they agreed that i was a quitter and not mature enough and should have rode it out for 4 years.... and ..... #### that.

eta: talk to your daughter. actually talk and listen. most importantly listen. she's 18 and the decisions are hers now. express your concerns.. but listen. she may be saying what's wrong without directly saying it. but ultimately it's up to her and trying to force her to "stick with it" could backfire.

kids switch schools all the time. it happens.

El Floppo said:

Do you guys with college freshman think the last year of COVID is promoting some of this behavior?

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I think that’s a fair assessment. Every school district is different, but my son did remote classes all last year as a HS senior. Outside of HS baseball and work, he was home a lot over the last 18 months and didn’t have nearly an active social life as would have been the case.

This is a good active thread to keep going for those of us that just dropped off our college freshmen.

My daughter ended up in a similar situation her freshman year.  She decided to do sorority rush in order to meet people.  She ended up meeting girls with similar interests (musical theater in her case) and joined that sorority.   She went from miserable to happy with a fun social life and many new close friends.

Related, back in my day the dorm floors had all sorts of "get to know you" events the first weeks of school.  They were sometimes awkward, but everyone was in the same boat and that is how I met a ton of people early on.  With my daughter, there was nothing along the "get to know you" events.  Seemed like most rooms had roommates who knew each other and most had their doors closed all the time.   The university's really need to do a better job with integrating the incoming students so they don't end up with good kids miserable in their dorm rooms.

Wish you the best of luck.

Some good advice in this thread.  We are dealing with something somewhat similar, although ours wasn't totally unexpected.  I agree that she needs to give it more time, even if this seems out of character for her.  It is a super big adjustment for anyone.  My daughter has had some social anxiety and homesickness since 7th grade.  I never would have dreamed at that point that she would leave and go anywhere for college.  When she decided to attend the alma mater of my wife and I, which is an hour from us, we were happy that she was branching out.  Before we even left her on the night we moved her in a week and a half ago, she was in tears, and it was torture to leave her like that.  She was texting my wife all night long about how she just wanted to get in her car and come home.  She knew intellectually that she needed to give it some time and try it out, but emotionally, that's a hard sell.  

Now, almost 2 weeks in, she's doing better.  She still wants to be home, but she understands what she needs to do.  She is not going to attend parties, so she won't meet people that way.  She gets along with her roommate.  But she hasn't really made any friends yet, and frankly, seems peeved when my wife asks her every night if she's hanging out with people.  She's just never been social outside of her closest friends.  Ironically, since she misses us and home, we talk to her almost more often now than we did when she was home.  

My daughter is strong-willed too, so if she told us she was ready to drop out, come home and start at the local junior college in the spring, it would be a battle to convince her to stay like you're having.  And she's only an hour away.  But I agree with your position.  

El Floppo said:

Do you guys with college freshman think the last year of COVID is promoting some of this behavior?

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Possible....my daughter went through a tough stretch for a while....shes back to her old self now 

needanap said:

With my daughter, there was nothing along the "get to know you" events.  Seemed like most rooms had roommates who knew each other and most had their doors closed all the time.   The university's really need to do a better job with integrating the incoming students so they don't end up with good kids miserable in their dorm rooms.

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That’s terrible not to have ice breakers like that.

We just dropped off our youngest son at his freshman dorm - as most can relate, one of the hardest things to do as a parent is seeing the last one fly the nest. :(

Wife and I are hoping he’ll be fine - thankfully his dorm does have a lot of activities set up for them. 

zamboni said:

That’s terrible not to have ice breakers like that.

We just dropped off our youngest son at his freshman dorm - as most can relate, one of the hardest things to do as a parent is seeing the last one fly the nest. :(

Wife and I are hoping he’ll be fine - thankfully his dorm does have a lot of activities set up for them. 

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Dropping my youngest off next Wednesday as well.  Will be tough.

I don't have any advice for the OP,  as none of my kids have had this issue (confident the last will not either).  But, wishing good luck to all those parents going through a difficult transition with their kids.

bro1ncos said:

Not to bring up a touchy subject, but any indication she had a very bad interaction with a guy in her short time there?

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No, the opposite actually.  Her HS boyfriend stayed local and attends the local university with some of her other HS friends.  She's the only one in her friend group that moved out of state.  I definitely think this has something to do with the situation.  Some of the words she uses in her texts are from him and not hers.  She has complained to her friends as well, and I know one friend said she could move in with her if she comes to her school.  The boyfriend wants her back in state, but isn't offering her anything more than "just leave".  

El Floppo said:

Do you guys with college freshman think the last year of COVID is promoting some of this behavior?

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In our situation, I don't think so.  Her senior year she was in-person all year.  COVID didn't really impact her last year.  It had more of an impact her junior year.  I think her situation is definitely homesickness and a pinch of depression.

Sidenote - She texted me yesterday in better spirits.  Her 3 roommates all rushed sororities, but one of them didn't make it.  This is causing a little more tension in the room as the 2 who are pledging don't really talk to my daughter or the other girl now that they aren't pledging (my daughter was never interested and didn't try.)  I told her she should start to hang out with the other roommate now that they have something in common.  Turns out that this particular roommate just received word she is a contact trace for another classmate who is positive for COVID.  Now that roommate has to go home to quarantine for 2 weeks.  My girl can't catch a break!

Based on conversations my wife and I had with her yesterday, she seems to be coming around to staying there for the semester.  She bought books yesterday and even applied for an on-campus job.  The mood swings in 24 hours are killing me, but much more calm compared to the other night.  I'm hoping this is a good sign.  She's been there 2 weeks as of yesterday.  

For the record, I'm fine if she wants to transfer out and I'll support her.  However, she has to at least give the first semester a shot by staying there and trying to get involved.  It's a big change for her, and I'm hoping she understands that now and is willing to try.  As of the other night, I wouldn't have been surprised to see her show up on our doorstep with her things the following day.  

I'm glad to see this is a little more common among other first year college students.  I appreciate all the ideas and anecdotes.  I've shared quite a few, including looking for a school therapist/counselor to help ease the transition.  I'll continue to update as this moves forward.

Had a similar experience.  Daughter #2, who was way more social than D#1, went 4hrs away to the school I graduated from......had a hometown boyfriend.  Mrs Nemesis and i thought D#2 would be one who would be out partying....but instead we went thru the same discussions with her.  We held our ground that 1st semester......but we visited HER a couple of times as we had partial season tickets for football.  It probably took until sometime in NOV when she finally agreed to keep going and stick it out during the spring semester.  Wasn't a 100% vote of confidence, but she stayed and it got better.  She is now a Senior at same Univ and will graduate in May.    (and couple of mths ago mid-summer, she actually begged us to go back to college town 1 month early to "have some fun" before school started.)

One of the things that i told both of my D's as we dropped them off at college:   
"Your college years can be topsy-turvy.   One semester you will find yourself with great classes, great professors, great roommates, great social life.  And then the next semester could totally different.....you end up with crappy class schedule or a difficult class that you are struggling with, you are feuding with your roommates, you get sick/mono, your bf/gf breaks up with you, your friends are too busy or have found Other new friends where you feel like you are "demoted".     
Don't kid yourself and expect every semester to be equal or off the charts.  You've grown up for 18 yrs at home where almost all of the major decisions such as food clothing shelter, which school, & money mgmt, etc....... had basically been decided for you.  You're now in charge of this and I don't expect you to navigate this flawlessly."  

@PeakAs you probably figured out......Boyfriend tie-in will make it exponentially more difficult.
Hopefully it gets better over time..........but the only other thing i would suggest is that you and Mrs Peak give her bite sized expectations when you talk.  "Over the next 3 days, you're going to have to tell me of a time where you tried to reach out and meet new people.  Successful or unsuccessful......I don't care, but you're going to try."   
This way, you'll know if she is trying and failing    OR    just not trying. 

I think leaving it ambiguous or making blanket stmts like "stick it out" are only going to delay things where you hope that they improve, which is just a roll of the dice.    

Man that’s tough. I don’t know how to relate bc I didn’t feel much like I fit in with really any group in high school (I wasn’t cool enough to be cool and I had zero interest in partying so I didn’t hang out much with teammates, but I also wasn’t nerdy enough to fit in with that group either). I went to college 20 hours from home and had this amazing experience where I realized most of the 70 guys on my dorm room floor were just like me. Could find any guys to play any sport I wanted whenever I want but we could also then sit around and discuss philosophy. Great times and zero regrets moving away from home. 
 

Honestly, and I know this is easier said than done, she’s gotta get out there. You describe her as normally independent so I have to assume there’s some group of similar people out there. She obviously can’t find them if she doesn’t go. I get that she’s probably nervous and scared, but maybe explain to her that everyone else - or at least many others - probably feel the same way and would genuinely love to be her friend. Is there maybe some activity or club she’s into that she can find? 
 

Also, as a parent, I give you and your wife kudos for standing your ground that she needs to stay through the semester. I would gently suggest not answering if she’s calling at all hours as well.