Mr. Know-It-All
Footballguy
After a year from hell, culminating in a divorce after a marriage of 31 years which came on the heels of finally being diagnosed with bipolar 1, I figured I would make a public service announcement to anyone here that might be struggling with BP1/2, anxiety or depression, or any other psychological disorder that you might be ashamed to admit or get treated for. Kind of a long read, so if you don't care stop reading now.
Basics, I grew up always feeling unlovable/unloved/or having to earn love from parents, friends, classmates, teachers etc. I thought that was normal. So while I did great academically I was always socially awkward and tried too hard to gain acceptance or approval. When I hit my teens and college years I was afraid to approach women for the fear of rejection. My sophomore year in college I met a woman who actually loved me - we dated, got pregnant and married in a short period of time - however I still felt I always had to earn her love of she would leave me.
Brief pause for an important tidbit - you don't develop Bipolar disorder - you either have it or you don't. The symptoms may become more pronounced over time - but it is something you have or you do not have. One of the typical symptoms of Bipolar 1 is feeling unloved or incapable of being loved. So I had symptoms but just assumed it was a natural way to feel since I did not know better.
Several times early in our marriage my wife would threaten to leave me if I did not leave the Air Force because she wanted to be closer to her parents. This exacerbated my feelings of being unloved - although she had no idea she was dealing with a BP spouse so I can't blame her but it was torture.
As the marriage progressed we eventually had 5 kids together but I had several episodes which in retrospect SCREAMED Bipolar - and one of those hypomanic episodes led to me being hospitalized where the doctor suggested treatment for anxiety, depression and possible BiPolar - but my wife said the doctor was a quack so I went on untreated.
Finally this time last year - September 14th to be precise I was promoted to a managerial position unwillingly and it set off my final hypomanic episode which lasted until the Monday after the Super Bowl. From September 14th until that day I slept very little, worked long hours, was in a constant manic state in which I was always busy but unproductive due to racing thoughts, paranoia. Many times I thought of self harm with no real plan but always thought about it as my only way out. I never attempted anything because I still wanted everything for my family and if I did self harm they would be left high and dry. So I suffered in silence.
The Monday after the Super Bowl in 2021 I headed to work like any other day - but then made an irrational decision to just get on the highway and drive south to wherever I could find warmer weather. Find some wilderness area and go out in the woods to die. I shut off my phone so I could not be tracked and started driving. When I didn't show up at work and they couldnt get hold of me - everyone panicked and police were called. I drove from Omaha to almost St Louis and somewhere short of St Louis I realized I needed help and going somewhere hoping to die was not the answer. So I turned the car around and headed back. As I headed back I realized how stupid I had been and now NO ONE could love me because I might be crazy. Before I got back to Omaha I stopped by a Walmart and picked up a bottle of Tylenol PM - drove to the cemetery where my Mom was buried, parked the car and took the bottle of pills. Thank God my brother thought of the fact I might be out near the cemetery as I was extremely close to my mom. The police found me and took me to the hospital where I was checked in for psychiatric treatment - after they got the pills out of my stomach.
It was during this treatment that I was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and since that time through medication and therapy I have been able to see all the red flags in my life that should have made me get diagnosed sooner. My BP is now under control and the therapy has allowed me to rediscover who I am and realize my illness doesn't define me - it is just a challenge i get the opportunity to battle for some reason unknown to me.
Unfortunately the manic states that are typical of BP1 patients were too much for my wife to bear which led her to seeking a divorce this summer after 31 years of marriage, 5 kids and 5 grandkids. I am at peace with it, because God knows she put up with a lot all those years I ws undiagnosed. I am now on a happier path, living alone with peace not just for the divorce but also toward my battle with BP.
Moral of the story - our society tells us mental health problems are something to be ashamed of. They are not. Seek care. Speak out. Engage your significant others, friends and family for support. I wasted a marriage on 30 + years of my life by trying to run and hide from an illness. I don't want any of you to do the same.
Mr. Know-It-All
Basics, I grew up always feeling unlovable/unloved/or having to earn love from parents, friends, classmates, teachers etc. I thought that was normal. So while I did great academically I was always socially awkward and tried too hard to gain acceptance or approval. When I hit my teens and college years I was afraid to approach women for the fear of rejection. My sophomore year in college I met a woman who actually loved me - we dated, got pregnant and married in a short period of time - however I still felt I always had to earn her love of she would leave me.
Brief pause for an important tidbit - you don't develop Bipolar disorder - you either have it or you don't. The symptoms may become more pronounced over time - but it is something you have or you do not have. One of the typical symptoms of Bipolar 1 is feeling unloved or incapable of being loved. So I had symptoms but just assumed it was a natural way to feel since I did not know better.
Several times early in our marriage my wife would threaten to leave me if I did not leave the Air Force because she wanted to be closer to her parents. This exacerbated my feelings of being unloved - although she had no idea she was dealing with a BP spouse so I can't blame her but it was torture.
As the marriage progressed we eventually had 5 kids together but I had several episodes which in retrospect SCREAMED Bipolar - and one of those hypomanic episodes led to me being hospitalized where the doctor suggested treatment for anxiety, depression and possible BiPolar - but my wife said the doctor was a quack so I went on untreated.
Finally this time last year - September 14th to be precise I was promoted to a managerial position unwillingly and it set off my final hypomanic episode which lasted until the Monday after the Super Bowl. From September 14th until that day I slept very little, worked long hours, was in a constant manic state in which I was always busy but unproductive due to racing thoughts, paranoia. Many times I thought of self harm with no real plan but always thought about it as my only way out. I never attempted anything because I still wanted everything for my family and if I did self harm they would be left high and dry. So I suffered in silence.
The Monday after the Super Bowl in 2021 I headed to work like any other day - but then made an irrational decision to just get on the highway and drive south to wherever I could find warmer weather. Find some wilderness area and go out in the woods to die. I shut off my phone so I could not be tracked and started driving. When I didn't show up at work and they couldnt get hold of me - everyone panicked and police were called. I drove from Omaha to almost St Louis and somewhere short of St Louis I realized I needed help and going somewhere hoping to die was not the answer. So I turned the car around and headed back. As I headed back I realized how stupid I had been and now NO ONE could love me because I might be crazy. Before I got back to Omaha I stopped by a Walmart and picked up a bottle of Tylenol PM - drove to the cemetery where my Mom was buried, parked the car and took the bottle of pills. Thank God my brother thought of the fact I might be out near the cemetery as I was extremely close to my mom. The police found me and took me to the hospital where I was checked in for psychiatric treatment - after they got the pills out of my stomach.
It was during this treatment that I was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and since that time through medication and therapy I have been able to see all the red flags in my life that should have made me get diagnosed sooner. My BP is now under control and the therapy has allowed me to rediscover who I am and realize my illness doesn't define me - it is just a challenge i get the opportunity to battle for some reason unknown to me.
Unfortunately the manic states that are typical of BP1 patients were too much for my wife to bear which led her to seeking a divorce this summer after 31 years of marriage, 5 kids and 5 grandkids. I am at peace with it, because God knows she put up with a lot all those years I ws undiagnosed. I am now on a happier path, living alone with peace not just for the divorce but also toward my battle with BP.
Moral of the story - our society tells us mental health problems are something to be ashamed of. They are not. Seek care. Speak out. Engage your significant others, friends and family for support. I wasted a marriage on 30 + years of my life by trying to run and hide from an illness. I don't want any of you to do the same.
Mr. Know-It-All