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PSA - Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder (1 Viewer)

Mr. Know-It-All

Footballguy
After a year from hell, culminating in a divorce after a marriage of 31 years which came on the heels of finally being diagnosed with bipolar 1, I figured I would make a public service announcement to anyone here that might be struggling with BP1/2, anxiety or depression, or any other psychological disorder that you might be ashamed to admit or get treated for.  Kind of a long read, so if you don't care stop reading now.

Basics,  I grew up always feeling unlovable/unloved/or having to earn love from parents, friends, classmates, teachers etc.  I thought that was normal.  So while I did great academically I was always socially awkward and tried too hard to gain acceptance or approval.  When I hit my teens and college years I was afraid to approach women for the fear of rejection.  My sophomore year in college I met a woman who actually loved me - we dated, got pregnant and married in a short period of time - however I still felt I always had to earn her love of she would leave me.

Brief pause for an important tidbit - you don't develop Bipolar disorder - you either have it or you don't.  The symptoms may become more pronounced over time - but it is something you have or you do not have.  One of the typical symptoms of Bipolar 1 is feeling unloved or incapable of being loved.  So I had symptoms but just assumed it was a natural way to feel since I did not know better.

Several times early in our marriage my wife would threaten to leave me if I did not leave the Air Force because she wanted to be closer to her parents.  This exacerbated my feelings of being unloved - although she had no idea she was dealing with a BP spouse so I can't blame her but it was torture.

As the marriage progressed we eventually had 5 kids together but I had several episodes which in retrospect SCREAMED Bipolar - and one of those hypomanic episodes led to me being hospitalized where the doctor suggested treatment for anxiety, depression and possible BiPolar - but my wife said the doctor was a quack so I went on untreated.

Finally this time last year - September 14th to be precise I was promoted to a managerial position unwillingly and it set off my final hypomanic episode which lasted until the Monday after the Super Bowl.  From September 14th until that day I slept very little, worked long hours, was in a constant manic state in which I was always busy but unproductive due to racing thoughts, paranoia.  Many times I thought of self harm with no real plan but always thought about it as my only way out.  I never attempted anything because I still wanted everything for my family and if I did self harm they would be left high and dry.  So I suffered in silence.  

The Monday after the Super Bowl in 2021 I headed to work like any other day - but then made an irrational decision to just get on the highway and drive south to wherever I could find warmer weather. Find some wilderness area and go out in the woods to die.  I shut off my phone so I could not be tracked and started driving.  When I didn't show up at work and they couldnt get hold of me - everyone panicked and police were called.  I drove from Omaha to almost St Louis and somewhere short of St Louis I realized I needed help and going somewhere hoping to die was not the answer.  So I turned the car around and headed back.  As I headed back I realized how stupid I had been and now NO ONE could love me because I might be crazy.  Before I got back to Omaha I stopped by a Walmart and picked up a bottle of Tylenol PM - drove to the cemetery where my Mom was buried, parked the car and took the bottle of pills.  Thank God my brother thought of the fact I might be out near the cemetery as I was extremely close to my mom.  The police found me and took me to the hospital where I was checked in for psychiatric treatment - after they got the pills out of my stomach.  

It was during this treatment that I was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and since that time through medication and therapy I have been able to see all the red flags in my life that should have made me get diagnosed sooner.  My BP is now under control and the therapy has allowed me to rediscover who I am and realize my illness doesn't define me - it is just a challenge i get the opportunity to battle for some reason unknown to me.

Unfortunately the manic states that are typical of BP1 patients were too much for my wife to bear which led her to seeking a divorce this summer after 31 years of marriage, 5 kids and 5 grandkids.  I am at peace with it, because God knows she put up with a lot all those years I ws undiagnosed.  I am now on a happier path, living alone with peace not just for the divorce but also toward my battle with BP.

Moral of the story - our society tells us mental health problems are something to be ashamed of.  They are not.  Seek care.  Speak out.  Engage your significant others, friends and family for support.  I wasted a marriage on 30 + years of my life by trying to run and hide from an illness.  I don't want any of you to do the same.

Mr. Know-It-All

 
Lots of emojis to respond to your post, but just wanted to say I'm glad you were found and saved, that you've finally gotten an answer to something you've felt most of your life, and that I hope things turn around in all the positive ways possible.  Thanks for posting and sharing.  Wishing you all the best.

 
Wow thanks for sharing MKIA.  Dealing with mental health issues/depression with my son so understand a bit where you're coming from.  Glad you're getting treatment and I wish you well.

 
That is a powerful story and I'm glad you are getting the help you need. Praying for your maintenance program to go well.

 
My ADD made me skim over a lot of that.  But congratulations on taking it on.  I know it's not easy.  BP runs in my family.  My aunt is in bad shape unfortunately.  I have cousins with it also.  I often wonder if I have it, but my wife says I don't.  I don't get manic as much as I used to.  I am super sensitive and never feel loved as you mention.  Now you have me wondering again.  Sorry to make it about me.  I am curious to see how you progress now.  Keep posting please.  Pulling for you!

 
Wow!! I appreciate the openness and the vulnerability in your story. I hope it falls on ears that NEED to hear it and offer hope and help and maybe some direction to any one of us who may be dealing with similar issues. 

 
My ADD made me skim over a lot of that.  But congratulations on taking it on.  I know it's not easy.  BP runs in my family.  My aunt is in bad shape unfortunately.  I have cousins with it also.  I often wonder if I have it, but my wife says I don't.  I don't get manic as much as I used to.  I am super sensitive and never feel loved as you mention.  Now you have me wondering again.  Sorry to make it about me.  I am curious to see how you progress now.  Keep posting please.  Pulling for you!
Pik, go and get tested.  Even if your wife is a noggin doctor, she shouldn't be diagnosing someone she knows.  

Knowledge is power.

@PIK95

 
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Glad to hear you’re getting stuff figured out. Mental health carries such a stigma with it, but if our other organs can suffer illness, why is it so weird when it happens to our brains? But that’s a topic for another thread, I think.

 
I was diagnosed with the "lesser" version (bipolar-2) several years ago.  It comes with a lot of anxiety and depression, but medication is helping.  Covid has made therapy undoable for me, though.  Doing it via Zoom just doesn't work for me.  

Having a job I like that lets me travel helps too.

I'm in a weird "domestic" relationship which does not help, though.  

Thanks for posting.

 
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I’m so sorry that you suffered for so long but am happy to hear that you are getting the help you need now.

I pray you’ve accepted that you don’t need to earn love and that you are no unlovable. If nothing else, I’m betting that your kids and grandkids can help prove that. Enjoy those relationships and your ability to engage those relationships in a new way.

 
Glad to hear you're getting the help you need. 

I've been diagnosed with GAD. Had I told the doctor some of my childhood problems and manic escapades, I'm sure it would be at least BP-2  Citalopram has been such a blessing for me. 

 
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My daughter was diagnosed with BP 1 about a year and a half ago following a very scary manic episode. She is now attending weekly therapy and the medications really seem to be helping. I hate the stigma our society puts on mental illness. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the best on your journey from here.

 
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Thank you for sharing your story! Stay safe out there as it will be an up and down ride, but just know its worth it and people love you. As a person who grew up with my brother and mother needing medication for mental issues, and an uncle who is on disability from them, I can say don't give up finding the correct medication. Modern medicine does miracles, but in my families case, it has never been the first prescription tried that has done wonders. Don't be afraid to talk with the docs about options.

Take care my friend, 🤙🤗

 
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I stumbled upon  this documentary about manic depression AKA bipolar depression from the famous British comedian/actor Steven Fry.  

Its very good, well worth the watch.

LINK

 
Bracie Smathers said:
I stumbled upon  this documentary about manic depression AKA bipolar depression from the famous British comedian/actor Steven Fry.  

Its very good, well worth the watch.

LINK
I'll have to give it a go.  There's a follow-up ten years on.

 
@Mr. Know-It-All, didn't you ever have moments where you thought you might be bipolar, or were there ever times when friends or family suggested that you get evaluated?
I honestly didn't know what bi-polar was, I just knew I had bouts of chronic insomnia and other times felt I had boundless energy.  Racing thoughts I attributed to I just had a lot of good ideas in my head that all happened at once.  So I had an excuse for everything so I didn't think I needed to see a doctor.

The one time I went to a doctor that suggested it might be bipolar, my ex-wife  convinced me he was a quack and it was just a phase I was going through.  I thought at most I just had chronic insomnia.  Looking back I had signs since my early 20s and I was not diagnosed until this year (I am now 53).

The intent of my original post was to destigmatize bipolar so people don't follow my path and go years without being diagnosed.  Frankly, had I been diagnosed earlier I'm sure my marriage would not have ended in divorce and that would have been better for all concerned - my adult children aren't too thrilled we are divorced and I know it will be weird for the grandkids especially around the holidays.

 

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