My kid is a biter (1 Viewer)

[pats3in4]

Nothing we have tried has worked to stop the behavior. We are not into spanking (our kid) or any of that, but if he bites we immediately intervene and explain that it's wrong, it hurts, and then we leave. I think he knows it is wrong and is embarrassed when he does it but it's like he can't help himself. My biggest fear is that the regular parents we know and kids that he plays with will stop playing with him. We did as much with a kid that was headbutting at the drop of a hat a few months ago because we didn't want our son to pick it up. It's worth noting that we have been moving around a lot the last few months in temporary housing while we work on our house (gotta update that thread) so he is under some stress on that front. But the biting predates the move.

Anyone had a similar experience? How did/do you handle it?

I would never tell someone how to raise their kids but how in the world does this work. My niece just turned five and is unbearable to be around because her mother does not believe in spanking either. She is issued a time out whenever she does something wrong which usually ends up in a half hour screaming temper tantrum. Honestly, it is so bad that I told my wife I am not going there for xmas this year. My opinion is that kids today need a swat or two to get their attention. I was swatted as a kid and have ended up just fine so not sure why society has deemed this unacceptable these days.

time out isnt supposed to last half hour. shes doing something wrong besides "not spanking"

I suspect the half hour is due to the length of the tantrum, not the intended timeout. Kids need to learn how to self sooth and not get rewarded with attention, negative or otherwise, due to their tantrums.

When my son has a tantrum I tell him to go in his room I dont wanna hear him. Then he goes in his room and eventually calms down and tells me "Im done crying now" and hes allowed back downstairs.

Exactly. Our kids are entitled to their intense tearful emotions, but they do need to learn how to regulate them and are not entitled to figure this out in a room with others. If that takes 30 minutes in their bedroom, then so be it.

Yeah but thats not really a timeout and hes not disrupting others like sbonomos neice.

I think it's a progression with the niece, though. Kid gets a timeout, kid throws a tantrum in response, timeout morphs into time needed to calm herself down that takes longer than initial timeout was intended. Hopefully through all of this the kid figures out that the initial behavior will get punished and crying about it won't get her anywhere.

 

[El Floppo]

As far as the spanking goes, there is enough evidence from my past and research to support both sides. Spank him and he won't do it again, or if you spank him you are reinforcing his instinct that violence is an appropriate end to confrontations. We decided a long time ago we aren't going to do it and we likely won't.

My son is not out biting for fun or to be an aggressor. It's a response to confrontation which I think is an indicator of other things going on with him. He feels threatened and it's his way of fighting back. It just so happens that way is not acceptable. If he were to slap a kid, no one would give a ####. It needs to stop but I'm not sure hitting him back is the way to do it.

We are trying the approach CTSU and Floppo are talking about and we are consistent. It's not a "time out," just removing him from the activity and explaining what he did is wrong, hurts the other kids, and has consequences. I want it to work, but it isn't getting us anywhere so far...

Why not just stop taking him to the park and tell him the reason you dont goto the park anymore is because he bites and once he stops biting you will start going back to the park.

We have kind of done that, but he only bites when other kids are around. There also isn't much else to do. ETA, I've taken him the children's museum and it is maybe even worse than the playground. Any activity in NY that is good for kids usually draws a ton of them.

Usually the day after an incident, we will walk by the play ground on our way to the park or Pratt campus where he can run around without other kids in close proximity. He wants to go in and we explain why we aren't going that day. Like I've said, I think he gets it but he still has the urge to bite when he is in a confrontation days later.

Have you ever asked him why he's doing it? I'm not expecting he'd know or be able to articulate it at 2.5... but could be an interesting way for him to start working it out.

Every time. And it's usually, "he pushed me" or "he took the ball" etc. It's in response to confrontation, real or perceived. And then we tell him that isn't an ok responce and he needs to tell them to stop or ask for help. 90% of the time that it happens when I've been with him I see it coming and have tried to intervene first. I'm at risk of becoming one of those hovering parents who follows six feet behind him all day but what can you do? Most of the time nothing happens, but that one time it does is a killer.

what does he say when you talk through other options? have you tried modeling one of these confrontations with dolls?

one of my son's gbs at 2 was the neighborhood playground bully for a spell... in a crazed, irrational way- he'd see somebody come into the playground and run up and push or hit them. Dad was always there, like you, to do his best to head it off first, but was also there right after to pull the kid away (but not out of the playground, which I would have preferred). Took a while, but the kid got through it- seemed like it was just a phase. Same holds true for other kids IME who were biters.

But yeah- the dad hated having to be that dad, always watching and waiting to jump in.

 

[Nick Vermeil]

As far as the spanking goes, there is enough evidence from my past and research to support both sides. Spank him and he won't do it again, or if you spank him you are reinforcing his instinct that violence is an appropriate end to confrontations. We decided a long time ago we aren't going to do it and we likely won't.

My son is not out biting for fun or to be an aggressor. It's a response to confrontation which I think is an indicator of other things going on with him. He feels threatened and it's his way of fighting back. It just so happens that way is not acceptable. If he were to slap a kid, no one would give a ####. It needs to stop but I'm not sure hitting him back is the way to do it.

We are trying the approach CTSU and Floppo are talking about and we are consistent. It's not a "time out," just removing him from the activity and explaining what he did is wrong, hurts the other kids, and has consequences. I want it to work, but it isn't getting us anywhere so far...

Why not just stop taking him to the park and tell him the reason you dont goto the park anymore is because he bites and once he stops biting you will start going back to the park.

We have kind of done that, but he only bites when other kids are around. There also isn't much else to do. ETA, I've taken him the children's museum and it is maybe even worse than the playground. Any activity in NY that is good for kids usually draws a ton of them.

Usually the day after an incident, we will walk by the play ground on our way to the park or Pratt campus where he can run around without other kids in close proximity. He wants to go in and we explain why we aren't going that day. Like I've said, I think he gets it but he still has the urge to bite when he is in a confrontation days later.

Have you ever asked him why he's doing it? I'm not expecting he'd know or be able to articulate it at 2.5... but could be an interesting way for him to start working it out.

Every time. And it's usually, "he pushed me" or "he took the ball" etc. It's in response to confrontation, real or perceived. And then we tell him that isn't an ok responce and he needs to tell them to stop or ask for help. 90% of the time that it happens when I've been with him I see it coming and have tried to intervene first. I'm at risk of becoming one of those hovering parents who follows six feet behind him all day but what can you do? Most of the time nothing happens, but that one time it does is a killer.

what does he say when you talk through other options? have you tried modeling one of these confrontations with dolls?

Not much, and no I haven't. Maybe Elmo is gonna have to bite Corduroy tonight, I mean, get pushed by Corduroy and NOT bite him.

 

[El Floppo]

oh... one of the things that worked with our son was to have him come up with a better option than whatever it was he was doing. Him coming up with the idea (or getting there with our help) seemed to help him want to take ownership and responsibility.

the modeling thing... we did it a couple times. Funny to see the look on his and daughter's face when the biting/bad-behavior happens- both of them gave WTF looks, stopping dead in their tracks in the game, before continuing on. I'd like to think it gave them some perspective in a moment that wasn't a typical emotionally charged trigger moment for them.

 

[Otis]

Have you tried "stop sweatin me yo"?

 

[El Floppo]

did the dolls freak him out?

 

[Nick Vermeil]

did the dolls freak him out?

All has been quiet. We didn't try the dolls but we have been playing "is it ok to bite a bagel? Is it ok to bite Timmy?" Seems to be working. Doesn't hurt that the entire family has been sidelined by Coxsackievirus the last week. Can't catch a break this summer!

 

[Jaysus]

UPDATE?