Teenagers - A support thread (1 Viewer)

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Started this because I know I’m not alone. We’re struggling a little with 16-year-old daughter right now. She is so incredibly witty, smart and funny, but also meaner than a Wolverine.

One minute we can be having a perfectly normal conversation and then something upsets her and the fangs come out.

I don’t know anything. Im a monster.

The straw that broke the camels back today was her telling me to “GTFO of my face”.

The older one was easy. This one struggles like I did with ADD/ADHD/Whatever so traditional parenting doesn’t have the same success. (Being strict doesn’t work).

We’re at a loss to be perfectly honest.

 

[ChiefD]

Hormones.

Dealing with this now with my 15 year old son. When there is an outburst I just walk away and circle back in about a half hour. And try to be as calm as possible.

 

[Cowboysfan8]

Hormones.

Dealing with this now with my 15 year old son. When there is an outburst I just walk away and circle back in about a half hour. And try to be as calm as possible.

About all you can do in my experience.

Been there. Good luck my friends

 

[NutterButter]

Hormones.

Dealing with this now with my 15 year old son. When there is an outburst I just walk away and circle back in about a half hour. And try to be as calm as possible.

That's great advice. You really need to read their mood and pick your moments.

 

[Jaysus]

Started this because I know I’m not alone. We’re struggling a little with 16-year-old daughter right now. She is so incredibly witty, smart and funny, but also meaner than a Wolverine.

One minute we can be having a perfectly normal conversation and then something upsets her and the fangs come out.

I don’t know anything. Im a monster.

I have her twin sister at home!

Becoming a teenager during a pandemic lockdown sure is turning out to be a ****.

 

[ChiefD]

Hormones.

Dealing with this now with my 15 year old son. When there is an outburst I just walk away and circle back in about a half hour. And try to be as calm as possible.

That's great advice. You really need to read their mood and pick your moments.

For sure. And it's enough to drive a guy like me nuts. I tend to have a short fuse, especially when I know I'm right.

I learned A LOT with my oldest boy when he went through this. I've had to bite my tongue more times than I can count. It's really hard.

But, none of them ever did the GTFO to me - so that's a tough one to swallow. I do have a 13 year old daughter, so I guess there is still time.

 

[Drunken knight]

our daughter is 17 and is pretty level... most of the time, but can get rather passive aggressive. I can butt heads with her as I try to encourage constructive assertiveness and will not tolerate rude behavior. she thinks that I go from from 0-60 quickly, while i usually have a slow burn. i want her to learn how to address her thoughts and feelings appropriately... and us to approach them collectively.... though bottom line is that I am boss.

 

[Ilov80s]

Like others said, just walking away and coming back later is a good strategy. Trying to force a conversation the other person doesn't want to/isn't ready to have rarely works with anyone, yet alone a challenging teen.

Remaining calm and remembering you are the adult so the responsibility to be calm falls on you.

Does she have other family members, trustworthy friends, coaches, teachers, etc. that she is closer with? You may be able to use them as a conduit for some conversations, gather information, figure out what is bothering her, etc.

I know it's difficult for parents to hear but it is very common for their kids to be real jerks to them but quite pleasant to other adults. I hear all the time at Parent Teacher Conferences about how difficult a kid is at home and I have to assure them that it's likely a phase because their child is wonderful in school. I am closely dealing with a kid right now, 15 year old girl. She has a lot going on- certainly more than your daughter- but she acknowledges she is super rude and disrespectful to her aunt and grandma (people raising her). She refuses to talk to them about anything, won't listen to anything they say, etc. However, she could not be any sweeter to me. If I give her advice, she takes it like it's being handed down from heaven itself. She is introspective, thoughtful, will talk about anything- even difficult subjects or things she has done wrong. She never gets angry, agitated, etc with me. She tells me she wants to improve her familial relationships so that idea is in her head. I just think she doesn't know how and she can't control the emotions she has around them. So there is a chance your daughter is very aware of this, isn't happy with her behavior but just can't get it a grip on it.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Hormones.

Dealing with this now with my 15 year old son. When there is an outburst I just walk away and circle back in about a half hour. And try to be as calm as possible.

Sigh. I’m sooooooo bad at this part. I never had sisters so every woman who I have ever dated will tell you that I have ZERO clue on how to deal with women/girls.

You all know how insane I sound on here, you can only imagine the psychological damage on causing young ladies in my house.

Lmao, almost everything I say seems super clear and direct to me, but apparently what I say comes off the total opposite!

I’m literally clueless.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

our daughter is 17 and is pretty level... most of the time, but can get rather passive aggressive. I can butt heads with her as I try to encourage constructive assertiveness and will not tolerate rude behavior. she thinks that I go from from 0-60 quickly, while i usually have a slow burn. i want her to learn how to address her thoughts and feelings appropriately... and us to approach them collectively.... though bottom line is that I am boss.

This is how I have been but it doesn’t seem to work on the youngest.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Like others said, just walking away and coming back later is a good strategy. Trying to force a conversation the other person doesn't want to/isn't ready to have rarely works with anyone, yet alone a challenging teen.

Remaining calm and remembering you are the adult so the responsibility to be calm falls on you.

Does she have other family members, trustworthy friends, coaches, teachers, etc. that she is closer with? You may be able to use them as a conduit for some conversations, gather information, figure out what is bothering her, etc.

I know it's difficult for parents to hear but it is very common for their kids to be real jerks to them but quite pleasant to other adults. I hear all the time at Parent Teacher Conferences about how difficult a kid is at home and I have to assure them that it's likely a phase because their child is wonderful in school. I am closely dealing with a kid right now, 15 year old girl. She has a lot going on- certainly more than your daughter- but she acknowledges she is super rude and disrespectful to her aunt and grandma (people raising her). She refuses to talk to them about anything, won't listen to anything they say, etc. However, she could not be any sweeter to me. If I give her advice, she takes it like it's being handed down from heaven itself. She is introspective, thoughtful, will talk about anything- even difficult subjects or things she has done wrong. She never gets angry, agitated, etc with me. She tells me she wants to improve her familial relationships so that idea is in her head. I just think she doesn't know how and she can't control the emotions she has around them. So there is a chance your daughter is very aware of this, isn't happy with her behavior but just can't get it a grip on it.

Thanks. Good to hear. I mean I know all this but it helps to get reassurance from time to time.

YES on the part how she will take other people’s thoughts as gospel but if her parents say it- it’s dumb.

I remember thinking my mom and her husband were morons too.

 

[Drunken knight]

our daughter is 17 and is pretty level... most of the time, but can get rather passive aggressive. I can butt heads with her as I try to encourage constructive assertiveness and will not tolerate rude behavior. she thinks that I go from from 0-60 quickly, while i usually have a slow burn. i want her to learn how to address her thoughts and feelings appropriately... and us to approach them collectively.... though bottom line is that I am boss.

This is how I have been but it doesn’t seem to work on the youngest.

i completely understand. She often states that I do not listen to her and that i am mad all the time. she believes that it is about content, which it is not. I try to reinforce that it is about her behavior and approach to our communication that creates negative discord. I would say that things have been better since May... much more harmonious in the house. I really hope she is connecting the dots.

 

[Drunken knight]

Like others said, just walking away and coming back later is a good strategy. Trying to force a conversation the other person doesn't want to/isn't ready to have rarely works with anyone, yet alone a challenging teen.

Remaining calm and remembering you are the adult so the responsibility to be calm falls on you.

Does she have other family members, trustworthy friends, coaches, teachers, etc. that she is closer with? You may be able to use them as a conduit for some conversations, gather information, figure out what is bothering her, etc.

I know it's difficult for parents to hear but it is very common for their kids to be real jerks to them but quite pleasant to other adults. I hear all the time at Parent Teacher Conferences about how difficult a kid is at home and I have to assure them that it's likely a phase because their child is wonderful in school. I am closely dealing with a kid right now, 15 year old girl. She has a lot going on- certainly more than your daughter- but she acknowledges she is super rude and disrespectful to her aunt and grandma (people raising her). She refuses to talk to them about anything, won't listen to anything they say, etc. However, she could not be any sweeter to me. If I give her advice, she takes it like it's being handed down from heaven itself. She is introspective, thoughtful, will talk about anything- even difficult subjects or things she has done wrong. She never gets angry, agitated, etc with me. She tells me she wants to improve her familial relationships so that idea is in her head. I just think she doesn't know how and she can't control the emotions she has around them. So there is a chance your daughter is very aware of this, isn't happy with her behavior but just can't get it a grip on it.

Thanks. Good to hear. I mean I know all this but it helps to get reassurance from time to time.

YES on the part how she will take other people’s thoughts as gospel but if her parents say it- it’s dumb.

I remember thinking my mom and her husband were morons too.

oh yeah. my daughter plays lacrosse. i used to coach her club teams and was asked to HC their high school team (i played for a west coast HS powerhouse). I know a thing or two.

West Regional rankings

while her teammates will frequently ask for advice, my daughter is very resistant to any "coaching" from me.

i so badly want for her to learn how to utilize any resource that can enhance any endeavor she may have.

 

[AAABatteries]

One thing I try to teach each of my kids is to understand and accept their emotions but also to own their consequences. You can get mad/angry and that’s fine - you may even be right - but if you lash out or say GTFO out of my face then there will be consequences. And then follow through on those consequences. Just my 2 cents.

 

[ChiefD]

i completely understand. She often states that I do not listen to her and that i am mad all the time. she believes that it is about content, which it is not. I try to reinforce that it is about her behavior and approach to our communication that creates negative discord. I would say that things have been better since May... much more harmonious in the house. I really hope she is connecting the dots.

Man, if I had a dollar for every time one of my kids have said this to me....

 

[Drunken knight]

One thing I try to teach each of my kids is to understand and accept their emotions but also to own their consequences. You can get mad/angry and that’s fine - you may even be right - but if you lash out or say GTFO out of my face then there will be consequences. And then follow through on those consequences. Just my 2 cents.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

One thing I try to teach each of my kids is to understand and accept their emotions but also to own their consequences. You can get mad/angry and that’s fine - you may even be right - but if you lash out or say GTFO out of my face then there will be consequences. And then follow through on those consequences. Just my 2 cents.

Yep. Same here, just fatigued from it all.

 

[Hastur]

My 16 year old came out as gay about 2 years ago. They have ADHD, depression, and Executive Function disorder. They have been seeing a therapist for well over a year.

It has been a steep learning curve for both my wife and I. It is our experience not to force a conversation. They'll just shut down, and nothing gets accomplished. Walking away and circling back in 30 minutes is a good strategy.

 

[Ilov80s]

Like others said, just walking away and coming back later is a good strategy. Trying to force a conversation the other person doesn't want to/isn't ready to have rarely works with anyone, yet alone a challenging teen.

Remaining calm and remembering you are the adult so the responsibility to be calm falls on you.

Does she have other family members, trustworthy friends, coaches, teachers, etc. that she is closer with? You may be able to use them as a conduit for some conversations, gather information, figure out what is bothering her, etc.

I know it's difficult for parents to hear but it is very common for their kids to be real jerks to them but quite pleasant to other adults. I hear all the time at Parent Teacher Conferences about how difficult a kid is at home and I have to assure them that it's likely a phase because their child is wonderful in school. I am closely dealing with a kid right now, 15 year old girl. She has a lot going on- certainly more than your daughter- but she acknowledges she is super rude and disrespectful to her aunt and grandma (people raising her). She refuses to talk to them about anything, won't listen to anything they say, etc. However, she could not be any sweeter to me. If I give her advice, she takes it like it's being handed down from heaven itself. She is introspective, thoughtful, will talk about anything- even difficult subjects or things she has done wrong. She never gets angry, agitated, etc with me. She tells me she wants to improve her familial relationships so that idea is in her head. I just think she doesn't know how and she can't control the emotions she has around them. So there is a chance your daughter is very aware of this, isn't happy with her behavior but just can't get it a grip on it.

Thanks. Good to hear. I mean I know all this but it helps to get reassurance from time to time.

YES on the part how she will take other people’s thoughts as gospel but if her parents say it- it’s dumb.

I remember thinking my mom and her husband were morons too.

oh yeah. my daughter plays lacrosse. i used to coach her club teams and was asked to HC their high school team (i played for a west coast HS powerhouse). I know a thing or two.

West Regional rankings

while her teammates will frequently ask for advice, my daughter is very resistant to any "coaching" from me.

i so badly want for her to learn how to utilize any resource that can enhance any endeavor she may have.

And probably the more you push it, the harder she resists? Not saying this works but sometimes giving space and trying to get them to come to you might have better results.

 

[TLEF316]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

 

[Drunken knight]

Like others said, just walking away and coming back later is a good strategy. Trying to force a conversation the other person doesn't want to/isn't ready to have rarely works with anyone, yet alone a challenging teen.

Remaining calm and remembering you are the adult so the responsibility to be calm falls on you.

Does she have other family members, trustworthy friends, coaches, teachers, etc. that she is closer with? You may be able to use them as a conduit for some conversations, gather information, figure out what is bothering her, etc.

I know it's difficult for parents to hear but it is very common for their kids to be real jerks to them but quite pleasant to other adults. I hear all the time at Parent Teacher Conferences about how difficult a kid is at home and I have to assure them that it's likely a phase because their child is wonderful in school. I am closely dealing with a kid right now, 15 year old girl. She has a lot going on- certainly more than your daughter- but she acknowledges she is super rude and disrespectful to her aunt and grandma (people raising her). She refuses to talk to them about anything, won't listen to anything they say, etc. However, she could not be any sweeter to me. If I give her advice, she takes it like it's being handed down from heaven itself. She is introspective, thoughtful, will talk about anything- even difficult subjects or things she has done wrong. She never gets angry, agitated, etc with me. She tells me she wants to improve her familial relationships so that idea is in her head. I just think she doesn't know how and she can't control the emotions she has around them. So there is a chance your daughter is very aware of this, isn't happy with her behavior but just can't get it a grip on it.

Thanks. Good to hear. I mean I know all this but it helps to get reassurance from time to time.

YES on the part how she will take other people’s thoughts as gospel but if her parents say it- it’s dumb.

I remember thinking my mom and her husband were morons too.

oh yeah. my daughter plays lacrosse. i used to coach her club teams and was asked to HC their high school team (i played for a west coast HS powerhouse). I know a thing or two.

West Regional rankings

while her teammates will frequently ask for advice, my daughter is very resistant to any "coaching" from me.

i so badly want for her to learn how to utilize any resource that can enhance any endeavor she may have.

And probably the more you push it, the harder she resists? Not saying this works but sometimes giving space and trying to get them to come to you might have better results.

what i historically have done was to offer positive feedback and areas to improve upon (with a more heavy emphasis on positive). she only hears criticism. for the past two season, i have approached her with "would you like to hear my thoughts?" and also backing off entirely.

she has grown tremendously and plays well...so now after games she asks me what i thought of her games....knowing that a lot of praise is coming her way.

she is a strong player (defenseman)... so much now is more about leadership and helping her encourage and develop her teammates

 

[Ilov80s]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

Amping up consequences like that is a dangerous game. Likely ends up worsening the relationship.

 

[Ilov80s]

Also you usually want your kid to have their license. Will save you a lot of time.

 

[TLEF316]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

Amping up consequences like that is a dangerous game. Likely ends up worsening the relationship.

Yeah, I get that.

But if 16 year me got up in my dad's face and threw an F bomb at him, there would have been major consequences.

I know a lot has changed in the 20 years since I was a teenager, but that really shouldnt fly with any generation.

 

[Ilov80s]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

Amping up consequences like that is a dangerous game. Likely ends up worsening the relationship.

Yeah, I get that.

But if 16 year me got up in my dad's face and threw an F bomb at him, there would have been major consequences.

I know a lot has changed in the 20 years since I was a teenager, but that really shouldnt fly with any generation.

I guess you just have to ask yourself what your end goal is: your kids respecting you or having a healthy positive relationship with your child? What’s the best way to reach that end goal. Im not saying a kid getting in their dads face and dropping an f bomb is acceptable but as adults we have to be careful not to escalate and create a war.

 

[-OZ-]

I never realized how different kids can be until ours grew. And at some point parents aren’t the primary influence.

Son #1 - 20, does anything we ask, always helpful, no push back. Works and saves, somewhat unmotivated / lacks self initiative. Great guy, but I fear for his future if he doesn’t develop a drive. Doesn’t want to date.

Son #2 - 18. extremely motivated. He’s been volunteering in the community including leading youth group for elementary school kids. Works at a bank as a college freshman. Helps a lot with his sister but doesn’t otherwise help in the house nearly as much as his brother. I’m okay with that given everything else he does. 4.0 unweighted GPA, full ride to college. Has gone on one date, he’s the guy dads want their daughter to marry.

Son #3 - 15, thinks he’s asexual and likes to talk about how religion is stupid. He’s our challenge but we do have moments where I see the light with him.

Son #4 - 12, good character, not great in school, the girls adore him.

Daughter - 9, by FAR the most extroverted. She’s the girl who gets adults to fall in love with her, including some really big deal business people working with St Jude. She’s lived a harder life than most adults and has an unmatched shine.

I’m less convinced that our parenting did much to define their character, we do our best to let them be themselves. But we absolutely will not allow disrespect. Not in an overly “RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!!” Way but they have learned how to behave.

 

[-OZ-]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

No offense, but many things sound good in theory but until you have kids it’s really hard to tell the right way to handle things. Hell, it’s hard to know if we did right now. The only thing I can say is to try to learn your kid’s language / buttons.

 

[Dan Lambskin]

I only have boys, assume girls are a completely different animal

I have 14 (15 in Dec), 11 (12 next weekend) and 10 so just now getting into it

14 is a great kid (they all are) but he’s definitely a smartass, stubborn and argumentative. He also shoved my wife a bit at Disney because she was messing with his hair (I was not happy but he told her to stop several times).

He’s got a good group of friends though so not too worried about the high school adjustment, but I know things can always change.

I have checked his Discord chat occasionally if he leaves it up on the computer…yeesh

11 year old is good, somewhat shy. Good at sports but doesn’t really have a ton of friends (at least that he hangs out with regularly). He’s pretty close in age with his brother though as well. Mostly hangs out with the neighbor girl his age and her younger brother

Littlest one is the one im most worried about, doesn’t seem to have any close friends other than above and gets picked on by his older brothers. He’s definitely the most emotional and prone to outbursts. He does play soccer and does karate and generally seems to enjoy those and talks with the other kids, so not too worried about him becoming isolated or anything

So anyway just now getting into that teen stage with my kids. Young ones are tough but now we have to be on the lookout for a whole set of new issues

 

[DA RAIDERS]

17 year old daughter, a senior. Fantastic kid. Sweet, polite, hard working, respectful, blah blah blah.

Except when it comes to school. She is the rudest most obstinate unpleasant human being possibly ever. School starts soon and it’s already started.

Asked some benign questions this morning about scheduling, has she talked with her counselor yet, etc. instantly the attitude reared its ugly head. I have a short fuse. It didn’t go well. I am dreading the school year.

 

[humpback]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

Yeah, kind of like this

 

[Chadstroma]

I am having big issues with my 10 year old son. This morning is a perfect example of what is a struggle with him:

Compulsive liar. He will lie about everything even when there is no reason (he won't be in trouble). This morning getting him and his brother off to a flag football camp. His little brother grabs a Prime. I usually only let them get Prime for game days. My older son took a Prime powder and put it in his water bottle... which I saw. Older brother says "I didn't get a Prime". I say, "yes you did. You used a powder in your watter bottle... I SAW YOU." he responds "No I didn't.".... I saw you. "I didn't".... that circle a couple of times. "Fine, give me your water bottle and let me try it." Silence. Then after a long pause. "No, it's my water." ARGH!

Using little brother as the dog to kick. I think this is pretty standard but man, if anything is off with him... mad about something, tired, bad mood.... he will tear into his little brother for the slightest or made up thing possible.

Flat out refusing to do what he is told. A few days back, I had to pick up his sister. He had been playing video games for a couple of hours and was over stimulated and also tired. He tore into his little brother as mentioned above. I told him nicely and calmly not to do that. He got super made and refused to get in the car. After asking him to get in for a good near 10 minutes. I picked him up and placed him in the car like a screaming toddler.

And then he can be the nicest, most thoughtful, wonderful kid but when he is an ahole.... he is an AHOLE. My BP is up because of him.

 

[Nick Vermeil]

Like others said, just walking away and coming back later is a good strategy. Trying to force a conversation the other person doesn't want to/isn't ready to have rarely works with anyone, yet alone a challenging teen.

Remaining calm and remembering you are the adult so the responsibility to be calm falls on you.

Does she have other family members, trustworthy friends, coaches, teachers, etc. that she is closer with? You may be able to use them as a conduit for some conversations, gather information, figure out what is bothering her, etc.

I know it's difficult for parents to hear but it is very common for their kids to be real jerks to them but quite pleasant to other adults. I hear all the time at Parent Teacher Conferences about how difficult a kid is at home and I have to assure them that it's likely a phase because their child is wonderful in school. I am closely dealing with a kid right now, 15 year old girl. She has a lot going on- certainly more than your daughter- but she acknowledges she is super rude and disrespectful to her aunt and grandma (people raising her). She refuses to talk to them about anything, won't listen to anything they say, etc. However, she could not be any sweeter to me. If I give her advice, she takes it like it's being handed down from heaven itself. She is introspective, thoughtful, will talk about anything- even difficult subjects or things she has done wrong. She never gets angry, agitated, etc with me. She tells me she wants to improve her familial relationships so that idea is in her head. I just think she doesn't know how and she can't control the emotions she has around them. So there is a chance your daughter is very aware of this, isn't happy with her behavior but just can't get it a grip on it.

My oldest is only 11 but the volatility has already started. My wife reminds me that he spends his entire day out in the world trying to hold it together so home is where the meltdowns happen. And we need to keep it a safe place for that. It doesn’t make it any easier when he flies off on me but I try to keep it in perspective. It’s not really about me.

 

[Frostillicus]

My only advice, and god knows I have plenty of my own issues with my 13 and 15 year old, is if your kid talks, LISTEN. When your child says "you never listen to me and you're always angry" well guess what - to her that's the truth no matter what YOU think. Stop. Talk. Listen. That child needs you and if things aren't working it is on YOU to take the necessary steps to fix it, whatever they might be.

I am not blaming any parents for difficult relationships with teenager - it is hard. But remember you are the one with the lifetime of experiences to know how to deal with it. Not the teen with raging hormones, a mosly empty brain, and no idea what the hell they're doing.

 

[Ilov80s]

Like others said, just walking away and coming back later is a good strategy. Trying to force a conversation the other person doesn't want to/isn't ready to have rarely works with anyone, yet alone a challenging teen.

Remaining calm and remembering you are the adult so the responsibility to be calm falls on you.

Does she have other family members, trustworthy friends, coaches, teachers, etc. that she is closer with? You may be able to use them as a conduit for some conversations, gather information, figure out what is bothering her, etc.

I know it's difficult for parents to hear but it is very common for their kids to be real jerks to them but quite pleasant to other adults. I hear all the time at Parent Teacher Conferences about how difficult a kid is at home and I have to assure them that it's likely a phase because their child is wonderful in school. I am closely dealing with a kid right now, 15 year old girl. She has a lot going on- certainly more than your daughter- but she acknowledges she is super rude and disrespectful to her aunt and grandma (people raising her). She refuses to talk to them about anything, won't listen to anything they say, etc. However, she could not be any sweeter to me. If I give her advice, she takes it like it's being handed down from heaven itself. She is introspective, thoughtful, will talk about anything- even difficult subjects or things she has done wrong. She never gets angry, agitated, etc with me. She tells me she wants to improve her familial relationships so that idea is in her head. I just think she doesn't know how and she can't control the emotions she has around them. So there is a chance your daughter is very aware of this, isn't happy with her behavior but just can't get it a grip on it.

My oldest is only 11 but the volatility has already started. My wife reminds me that he spends his entire day out in the world trying to hold it together so home is where the meltdowns happen. And we need to keep it a safe place for that. It doesn’t make it any easier when he flies off on me but I try to keep it in perspective. It’s not really about me.

Not easy but definitely the right POV to have

 

[TLEF316]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

No offense, but many things sound good in theory but until you have kids it’s really hard to tell the right way to handle things. Hell, it’s hard to know if we did right now. The only thing I can say is to try to learn your kid’s language / buttons.

None taken. I completely acknowledge that I know absolutely nothing.

I just can't believe that any kid would have the guts to do what the OP's kid did. That's insanity to me.

 

[snellman]

Having been through 4 (2 girls and 2 boys) and on our final one who is 16, let me tell you it is one hell of a ride. The girls mood swings were out of this world 1 minute they would love me, turn around and I am the meanest SOB in the world. The boys were difficult at times for other reasons.

On the bright side, the grow up and one day they call you out of the blue, ask you questions about their kids because they are having difficulties and apologize to you and thank you for not giving up on them.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

Amping up consequences like that is a dangerous game. Likely ends up worsening the relationship.

Yeah, I get that.

But if 16 year me got up in my dad's face and threw an F bomb at him, there would have been major consequences.

I know a lot has changed in the 20 years since I was a teenager, but that really shouldnt fly with any generation.

I guess you just have to ask yourself what your end goal is: your kids respecting you or having a healthy positive relationship with your child? What’s the best way to reach that end goal. Im not saying a kid getting in their dads face and dropping an f bomb is acceptable but as adults we have to be careful not to escalate and create a war.

Yeah, as far as the incident. this part of it is not much different than handling a confrontation IRL.

A) I could snatch her up by the neck and put her through the drywall, scream and yelling how if she ever does it again.

B( I could continue to argue and escalate until she loses all her privileges.

C) I can walk away. Let things settle and then discuss.


On the not letting things escalate and create a war:

Every kid is different. Taking away stuff from the older daughter worked like a charm. This one does not care. We’ve tried it. Want her phone? Have it. Can’t drive? Good! Lol. She’s a savage. She is me as a kid but with far more confidence than I had at her age.

So…. If we push too hard this one will be living in the street. Letting things settle and talking about things leads to honest conversations, apologies and hugs.

I think @ChiefD hit the nail on the head, hormones. She simply couldn’t keep her emotions in check and lost it. She didn’t mean what she said.

We talked, I explained how it’s not acceptable, she agreed and said that she was sorry. Punishing her further doesn’t make sense. (To me or her)

 

[Ilov80s]

Another general tip that’s good for anyone but especially more explosive teens:

Use “I statements”. Frame things from your perspective and needs. Examples:

1. They are being too loud at night and it’s causing you to lose sleep. Instead of saying “YOU need to be quiet” or “YOU are too loud”. Frame it as “I get up early for work and I have trouble sleeping well at night. It would be helpful for me if it was quieter at night.” Or “I struggle at work when I don’t get a good nights sleep and it would be a big help for me if everyone is done in the kitchen by 11:00.”

2. They don’t text you where they are at. Instead of blaming them and telling them what they are doing is wrong and needs to change, frame it as “I love you and worry too much about you. It causes me to lose sleep and I know that’s silly because you make good decisions but I can’t help worrying. I think it might help me if you checked in more often. Would you be willing to help me with this?”

Also being real, being vulnerable, being genuine usually helps a lot. Teens tend to hate anything that seems fake or seems to too authoritarian.

 

[Jaysus]

I am having big issues with my 10 year old son. This morning is a perfect example of what is a struggle with him:

Compulsive liar. He will lie about everything even when there is no reason (he won't be in trouble). This morning getting him and his brother off to a flag football camp. His little brother grabs a Prime. I usually only let them get Prime for game days. My older son took a Prime powder and put it in his water bottle... which I saw. Older brother says "I didn't get a Prime". I say, "yes you did. You used a powder in your watter bottle... I SAW YOU." he responds "No I didn't.".... I saw you. "I didn't".... that circle a couple of times. "Fine, give me your water bottle and let me try it." Silence. Then after a long pause. "No, it's my water." ARGH!

Using little brother as the dog to kick. I think this is pretty standard but man, if anything is off with him... mad about something, tired, bad mood.... he will tear into his little brother for the slightest or made up thing possible.

Flat out refusing to do what he is told. A few days back, I had to pick up his sister. He had been playing video games for a couple of hours and was over stimulated and also tired. He tore into his little brother as mentioned above. I told him nicely and calmly not to do that. He got super made and refused to get in the car. After asking him to get in for a good near 10 minutes. I picked him up and placed him in the car like a screaming toddler.

And then he can be the nicest, most thoughtful, wonderful kid but when he is an ahole.... he is an AHOLE. My BP is up because of him.

10 year old boys and Prime, amirite? My butt just turned 11 and loves Prime more than his sister.

 

[Jaysus]

P.S. this thread is great.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

P.S. this thread is great.

It feels good to know we’re not alone and we’re all going through different versions of similar problems.

GL out there!

 

[Chadstroma]

I am having big issues with my 10 year old son. This morning is a perfect example of what is a struggle with him:

Compulsive liar. He will lie about everything even when there is no reason (he won't be in trouble). This morning getting him and his brother off to a flag football camp. His little brother grabs a Prime. I usually only let them get Prime for game days. My older son took a Prime powder and put it in his water bottle... which I saw. Older brother says "I didn't get a Prime". I say, "yes you did. You used a powder in your watter bottle... I SAW YOU." he responds "No I didn't.".... I saw you. "I didn't".... that circle a couple of times. "Fine, give me your water bottle and let me try it." Silence. Then after a long pause. "No, it's my water." ARGH!

Using little brother as the dog to kick. I think this is pretty standard but man, if anything is off with him... mad about something, tired, bad mood.... he will tear into his little brother for the slightest or made up thing possible.

Flat out refusing to do what he is told. A few days back, I had to pick up his sister. He had been playing video games for a couple of hours and was over stimulated and also tired. He tore into his little brother as mentioned above. I told him nicely and calmly not to do that. He got super made and refused to get in the car. After asking him to get in for a good near 10 minutes. I picked him up and placed him in the car like a screaming toddler.

And then he can be the nicest, most thoughtful, wonderful kid but when he is an ahole.... he is an AHOLE. My BP is up because of him.

10 year old boys and Prime, amirite? My butt just turned 11 and loves Prime more than his sister.

Jeebus...

The obsession with Prime is ridiculous

 

[snellman]

You wonder why in the world you decided to create the little monsters. Then, as they get older, they bring the grandkids over and you realize that is why and they didn't turn out so bad.

 

[Alex P Keaton]

Another general tip that’s good for anyone but especially more explosive teens:

Use “I statements”. Frame things from your perspective and needs. Examples:

1. They are being too loud at night and it’s causing you to lose sleep. Instead of saying “YOU need to be quiet” or “YOU are too loud”. Frame it as “I get up early for work and I have trouble sleeping well at night. It would be helpful for me if it was quieter at night.” Or “I struggle at work when I don’t get a good nights sleep and it would be a big help for me if everyone is done in the kitchen by 11:00.”

2. They don’t text you where they are at. Instead of blaming them and telling them what they are doing is wrong and needs to change, frame it as “I love you and worry too much about you. It causes me to lose sleep and I know that’s silly because you make good decisions but I can’t help worrying. I think it might help me if you checked in more often. Would you be willing to help me with this?”

Also being real, being vulnerable, being genuine usually helps a lot. Teens tend to hate anything that seems fake or seems to too authoritarian.

This is truly great advice. Not just for teenagers, but other personal relationships too.

Just saw this thread tonight. My wife and 15 yo daughter have been butting heads lately. Pattern is typical……daughter pokes at wife, eventually wife feels insecure and gets defensive, daughter keeps pushing, boom - they start fighting.

Mothers and daughters.

 

[Brunell4MVP]

Another general tip that’s good for anyone but especially more explosive teens:

Use “I statements”. Frame things from your perspective and needs. Examples:

1. They are being too loud at night and it’s causing you to lose sleep. Instead of saying “YOU need to be quiet” or “YOU are too loud”. Frame it as “I get up early for work and I have trouble sleeping well at night. It would be helpful for me if it was quieter at night.” Or “I struggle at work when I don’t get a good nights sleep and it would be a big help for me if everyone is done in the kitchen by 11:00.”

2. They don’t text you where they are at. Instead of blaming them and telling them what they are doing is wrong and needs to change, frame it as “I love you and worry too much about you. It causes me to lose sleep and I know that’s silly because you make good decisions but I can’t help worrying. I think it might help me if you checked in more often. Would you be willing to help me with this?”

Also being real, being vulnerable, being genuine usually helps a lot. Teens tend to hate anything that seems fake or seems to too authoritarian.

This is truly great advice. Not just for teenagers, but other personal relationships too.

Just saw this thread tonight. My wife and 15 yo daughter have been butting heads lately. Pattern is typical……daughter pokes at wife, eventually wife feels insecure and gets defensive, daughter keeps pushing, boom - they start fighting.

Mothers and daughters.

Oddly they are happy with each other 20 mins later. Best not to be around at the point they make up. That's when they both decide the dad/brother is the problem.

 

[msudaisy26]

Started this because I know I’m not alone. We’re struggling a little with 16-year-old daughter right now. She is so incredibly witty, smart and funny, but also meaner than a Wolverine.

One minute we can be having a perfectly normal conversation and then something upsets her and the fangs come out.

I don’t know anything. Im a monster.

The straw that broke the camels back today was her telling me to “GTFO of my face”.

The older one was easy. This one struggles like I did with ADD/ADHD/Whatever so traditional parenting doesn’t have the same success. (Being strict doesn’t work).

We’re at a loss to be perfectly honest.

I will start by saying it might be too late to implement this strategy since she is already 16, but if you want to try go for it.

Our daughter is the same way, super witty, quick with the comebacks/one liners and feisty. She made a kid cry on the play ground during recess, all the kids were practicing their roasting.

My daughter is about to be 11, but she had these angry fits since she started school and I have to give my husband the credit. He has told her thousands of times that it is okay to have these feeling, it is okay to not be happy every second of the day, it is okay to get mad, angry, frustrated, sad etc, but it isn't okay to take it out on other people especially if they had nothing to do with why you are feeling this way. It is working, she had a day a couple of weeks ago and she was just angry all day for no particular reason, (we think it was just one of those days where nothing goes right) and she calmly told us she was having a bad day and she wanted to be left alone in her room and if she fell asleep could we leave her until dinner time. Five years ago I don't think that would have ever happened.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Youngest today:

She’s upstairs, I call her name and she respond with “NO!”

I say “OK” and walk away.

She blows her top, tells something.

I calmly say- Please so not talk to me like that and walk away.

Now I’m not invited to her birthday party next week.




ETA - I was going to ask her if she wanted to paint the birdhouse we made together.

Another time, maybe.

 

[Judge Smails]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

Amping up consequences like that is a dangerous game. Likely ends up worsening the relationship.

Yeah, I get that.

But if 16 year me got up in my dad's face and threw an F bomb at him, there would have been major consequences.

I know a lot has changed in the 20 years since I was a teenager, but that really shouldnt fly with any generation.

I guess you just have to ask yourself what your end goal is: your kids respecting you or having a healthy positive relationship with your child? What’s the best way to reach that end goal. Im not saying a kid getting in their dads face and dropping an f bomb is acceptable but as adults we have to be careful not to escalate and create a war.

You can't have a healthy positive relationship without respect.

 

[Judge Smails]

Tough with teens. Kids go through stages. They adore you when they're young. Then in middle school things get different. They are embarrassed by you, they want to create separation. Then they go through a stage thinking they know everything in the world and you know nothing. Around 15. Then they come back around after going to college, realizing they had it really good. They even start repeating stuff you said that you never thought they heard. I know this is a broad brush stroke but I've seen the exact same pattern happen with our own kids and others. They key is to not irreparably damage your relationship with them while going through this. Think big picture/long term. The one thing I never compromised on though was respect. You disrespected Mom (even more than me) and there would be consequences. Non-negotiable. I've seen parents just get run over and never respected because they were too soft on this.

 

[Ilov80s]

Yeah, this seems rough.

Teenagers are emotional and it probably doesn't pay to reason with them. The walk-away strategy makes plenty of sense to me.

But if it was my kid (and I dont have any, so what the hell do I know?) cursing at me in anger would to come with pretty severe consequences.

I'd give her 1 warning and then I'd start tacking on time before she's allowed to get her driver's license. I bet that stops that nonsense pretty quickly.

Amping up consequences like that is a dangerous game. Likely ends up worsening the relationship.

Yeah, I get that.

But if 16 year me got up in my dad's face and threw an F bomb at him, there would have been major consequences.

I know a lot has changed in the 20 years since I was a teenager, but that really shouldnt fly with any generation.

I guess you just have to ask yourself what your end goal is: your kids respecting you or having a healthy positive relationship with your child? What’s the best way to reach that end goal. Im not saying a kid getting in their dads face and dropping an f bomb is acceptable but as adults we have to be careful not to escalate and create a war.

You can't have a healthy positive relationship without respect.

I may have phrased that poorly. I guess I should have said "your kids always show you respect" or "a healthy positive relationship". Kids/teens may be rude and disrespectful in the moment but over time that is likely to fade. Some people however are totally unwilling to let a sleight go. That unwillingness to let some disrespect slide can sometimes make the relationship more volatile and turn into a battle like Bender vs Principal Vernon.