SaintsInDome2006
Footballguy
Hm, don't make the marriage decision as a cold calculation, it should be with passion, full on heat, because you will need that heat to last and stoke you both later on.
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Wise men helping young bucks. (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Soulfly3
- Start date
AAABatteries
Footballguy
I call it bubble gum country. It's horrid 95% of the time. There's an occasional good song.
AAABatteries
Footballguy
This is a good list but most of these have nothing to do with marriage. They apply to married and single guys.
irish eyes
Footballguy
This is wrong wrong wrong. Grow a set or you will be miserable beyond belief.She's always right.. Once you get that in your head things go well..
Side note...... Will be married for 29 years this June and I'm still trying to learn this
SaintsInDome2006
Footballguy
Rich Conway
Footballguy
Make damn sure your partner has regular adult contact beyond you in his/her life. Stay-at-home wife/husband is OK, assuming income is not an issue, but one partner living only for the kids with no other adult contact is a bad idea. Volunteer at the library or school. Part-time job. Have outside interests or clubs. Anything, as long as there is regular, outside adult contact. Trust me.
jamny
Footballguy
Never sleep on the couch after an argument.
Married 25 years, together over 30. No kids. While not having kids makes the financial struggles easier, it also means you have to get along much better because there isn't kid talk to keep you going.
A lot of good advice but the best friend thing is most important. It all comes down to finding someone that is normal. Not an easy task and people change over time but if there are troubling signs early, whether with her or her family, it will only get worse.
Think with your big head not your little head.
Married 25 years, together over 30. No kids. While not having kids makes the financial struggles easier, it also means you have to get along much better because there isn't kid talk to keep you going.
A lot of good advice but the best friend thing is most important. It all comes down to finding someone that is normal. Not an easy task and people change over time but if there are troubling signs early, whether with her or her family, it will only get worse.
Think with your big head not your little head.
snogger
Footballguy
It was meant in jest.. thus the side noteThis is wrong wrong wrong. Grow a set or you will be miserable beyond belief.She's always right.. Once you get that in your head things go well..
Side note...... Will be married for 29 years this June and I'm still trying to learn this
ChiefD
Footballguy
I remember when I first started dating my wife, we had a long discussion about sports. I basically told her: "I love sports. I like to sit around all day Sunday and watch football and nerd out on fantasy football. If you expect me to go furniture or curtain shopping or go to a couples shower on a Sunday, I'm not going."
And she has never bothered me with that kind of stuff in 18 years.
And she has never bothered me with that kind of stuff in 18 years.
NYRAGE
Footballguy
Some things that popped into my head:
Finance: Keeping it simple: Don't spend money that you don't have. Start saving/investing early in your life. It will set you up better in your older age.
Career: Making a lot of money was great, but looking back, was it worth the stress of working 60-80 hours a week with all kinds of deadlines? Having money is important, but not at the expense of your family, health, or general happiness. Try to find some happy medium.
Relationships: I think we have a natural tendency to take our relationships for granted as we get distracted/lost in all kinds of other things. You have to work on your relationships to make the other person feel valued and loved. Don't keep issues bottled up. It will only fester and at some point we may even give up on our relationship. Address issues early on. Even when you know these things, it's still easy to go back to being set in your ways. You have to work at it.
Health: Stay fit. It's easy to gain weight as you age if you ignore exercising or start eating poorly. You won't be indestructible forever. It's easier to stay in shape than to get back in shape when you're older. It can have a big impact on your health later.
General: This is a difficult one, but don't be afraid to try new things or to fail. I'm not a living example of it. It's easier said than done. Our time is short though. It flies by. Find things you enjoy. Be kind. Don't let feeling busy distract you from maintaining your friendships. Don't stress about the little things. These things won't mean much in the end.
Finance: Keeping it simple: Don't spend money that you don't have. Start saving/investing early in your life. It will set you up better in your older age.
Career: Making a lot of money was great, but looking back, was it worth the stress of working 60-80 hours a week with all kinds of deadlines? Having money is important, but not at the expense of your family, health, or general happiness. Try to find some happy medium.
Relationships: I think we have a natural tendency to take our relationships for granted as we get distracted/lost in all kinds of other things. You have to work on your relationships to make the other person feel valued and loved. Don't keep issues bottled up. It will only fester and at some point we may even give up on our relationship. Address issues early on. Even when you know these things, it's still easy to go back to being set in your ways. You have to work at it.
Health: Stay fit. It's easy to gain weight as you age if you ignore exercising or start eating poorly. You won't be indestructible forever. It's easier to stay in shape than to get back in shape when you're older. It can have a big impact on your health later.
General: This is a difficult one, but don't be afraid to try new things or to fail. I'm not a living example of it. It's easier said than done. Our time is short though. It flies by. Find things you enjoy. Be kind. Don't let feeling busy distract you from maintaining your friendships. Don't stress about the little things. These things won't mean much in the end.
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
I remember the first New Years I spent with my current wife. We were living together, not yet married, and she had a two year old (long story). I was laying on the couch New Years Day watching football, and she asked what I wanted to do that day. I looked at her blankly and said "I'm doing it." She was mad that I'd waste a whole day just watching TV.ChiefD said:
Fast forward 20 years and raising two boys together who played baseball, basketball, and football, she sits and watches many of the games with us. She tries to learn, but she just doesn't have the understanding of sports. She will hear a cliche and just repeat it for schtick. She once heard "shrink the court" from a basketball announcer, so she will just say that anytime a basketball game is on TV.
Not saying your approach was wrong. My wife's evolution wasn't overnight and wasn't without struggle. But we've definitely grown together in certain areas instead of keeping a distance.
General Malaise
Footballguy
ChiefD
Footballguy
I got really lucky. She was also into sports and also enjoys sitting around on a Sunday watching football. She also loves watching hockey (our son plays, so now she loves the NHL), soccer, baseball...you name it.
Really, most of our tv watching revolves around sports. Or used to until this Covid thing hit. Believe me, I am in the lucky 1% whose wife doesn't give a hoot about how much sports I watch.
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
snogger said:It was meant in jest.. thus the side noteirish eyes said:This is wrong wrong wrong. Grow a set or you will be miserable beyond belief.She's always right.. Once you get that in your head things go well..
Side note...... Will be married for 29 years this June and I'm still trying to learn this
I always say I can win any argument I want ...
IF I want to live with the consequences.
Zow
Footballguy
This is good advice. I made it very very clear to my wife almost right away that I will always need to be involved in some sort of competitive sport and that, if I'm not, I will be very unhappy. To her credit, she's understood that (she played high level softball which burned her out but gets the need even though she doesn't need it herself anymore) and has, if two weeks or so have gone by where say a tournament is canceled or whatever, she'll even encourage me to go do something. She's also on board with and I think actually enjoys me watching NFL most Sundays because it means I'm for sure around the house and, now, I'll play with the kids while watching or whatever.ChiefD said:
Now, this doesn't mean that there aren't some disputes about degrees of involvement. When we met I played softball six days per week, golf usually once per week, pickup sports whenever, and we'd usually hang out and watch football together every Sunday. Naturally, this has had to subside as we got married, I worked more, we got kids, and the extended family started extending itself so it seems like there's somebody birthday or some family event that needs to be attended every other weekend or whatever. Softball dwindled to just a couple of nights per week and one weekend tournament per month to now I play just tournaments and do so sparingly when it's convenient for the family schedule. Golf is once per week but any more seems to upset a balance in the force. We've had conflict where a major tournament conflicts with a friend's kids birthday party that we (by we I mean she) committed to. Or, frankly, if I have to travel for a tournament we need to decide whether it's something she and the kids can go to too or if she's got some other plans whereby she's just not stuck home with the kids for several days. I've expressed a few times to her when there's conflict that it's difficult for me to have given up so much but she rightly shoots back that she always has made sure she accounts for me playing. And, frankly, she's right.
Like a lot of marriage there's going to be compromise for somebody like us who loves sports but laying that groundwork early on before marriage and being firm, clear, and respectful about will go along way for later expectations.
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
To complete the story, "shrink the court" is always responded to with "who are you guarding?" which she once yelled at my step daughter, during a basketball game....when she was on offense...
That's good schtick.
wlwiles
Footballguy
If I may tweak this a bit (based on my experience) - regular contact outside of work/job that gets her out of the house by herself. I like to play cards once in a while with a friend, or go fishing/hunting for the weekend with my brother, or attend a fantasy draft party, etc. My wife doesn't have anything like that. She has only one family member nearby (brother), and they're not that close. They never just go and hang out together. All her friends are her coworkers, they have their own families/kids and she only sees them at work or at work functions. She never just "goes out for girls night". She doesn't feel slighted, she gets her adult contact at work, she's happy, but sometimes I wish she'd just go have margaritas with the girls so I don't feel bad having a casino night with a friend the next week.Rich Conway said:
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Zow
Footballguy
Zow
Footballguy
I hear you on this. My wife kind of ebs and flows (she'll get into some and go at it hard but then just quit it and have nothing for many months) but I've noticed that her tolerance for my solo activities decreases when she doesn't have her own things going on.
On that note, though, proceed with great caution if you want to consider suggesting to your wife to get back engaged in said activity. She will likely misinterpret your intent.
Mister CIA
Footballguy
Judge Smails
Footballguy
top dog
Footballguy
There are a couple things I've learned over the past 20 years that has helped me in my marriage AND in my other relationships in my life (Professional, other famiily) tremendously.
1) PTA - Not to be confused with PITA, this one is Pause. Think. Act. Never react without taking a moment (Pause) to Think about what your reaction or action is going to be. It is easy to react with an emotional response that may be an overreaction. It is easy to say something that can be taken the wrong way. Once you can start to identify these reactions, you can present them in a much better fashion.
2) Her feelings are valid. Even if you don't understand or agree with them. While something may make 100% logical sense in your mind and what you said was NOT intended to be received like it did, that doesn't matter. When the other person has feelings and a reaction to something, IT IS VALID AND MUST BE DEALT WITH. You can't just say, "That is NOT what I meant!" and expect that to solve the problem. If she is upset over something "stupid" in your mind, it doesn't matter. She is upset and that feeling is REAL. My marriage improved EXPONENTIALLY when I learned this and began to accept that emotional responses and feelings vary with everyone. Having an emotional response, while may not always be helpful or understandable, is still something that is real and can't just be dismissed. Has helped me greatly in the role of a Business Analyst as well. People get emotional when they feel like their job/work ethic is being questioned. Even if that is not what your intent is.
3) Learned this in a communications class in college. It has stuck with me through the years. Communication has two parts. What is sent and how it is received. And it is irreversible. A simple, "I didn't mean to say that" is not enough. Once something damaging has been said or communicated, you can't just recall that message. Fixing the wounds of poor communication takes a lot more effort than that. I try to be very careful how I say or do things in all aspects of my life because of knowing this. Kind of simple. "Don't be a ####" goes a long way.
1) PTA - Not to be confused with PITA, this one is Pause. Think. Act. Never react without taking a moment (Pause) to Think about what your reaction or action is going to be. It is easy to react with an emotional response that may be an overreaction. It is easy to say something that can be taken the wrong way. Once you can start to identify these reactions, you can present them in a much better fashion.
2) Her feelings are valid. Even if you don't understand or agree with them. While something may make 100% logical sense in your mind and what you said was NOT intended to be received like it did, that doesn't matter. When the other person has feelings and a reaction to something, IT IS VALID AND MUST BE DEALT WITH. You can't just say, "That is NOT what I meant!" and expect that to solve the problem. If she is upset over something "stupid" in your mind, it doesn't matter. She is upset and that feeling is REAL. My marriage improved EXPONENTIALLY when I learned this and began to accept that emotional responses and feelings vary with everyone. Having an emotional response, while may not always be helpful or understandable, is still something that is real and can't just be dismissed. Has helped me greatly in the role of a Business Analyst as well. People get emotional when they feel like their job/work ethic is being questioned. Even if that is not what your intent is.
3) Learned this in a communications class in college. It has stuck with me through the years. Communication has two parts. What is sent and how it is received. And it is irreversible. A simple, "I didn't mean to say that" is not enough. Once something damaging has been said or communicated, you can't just recall that message. Fixing the wounds of poor communication takes a lot more effort than that. I try to be very careful how I say or do things in all aspects of my life because of knowing this. Kind of simple. "Don't be a ####" goes a long way.
jwb
Footballguy
This isn't always going to work, though. My wife isn't interested in Football / sports. In fact, she dislikes them - if a football game is on TV, she doesn't want to be there. I get it to a degree, because despite being a pretty smart girl, her guilty pleasure is trashy/garbage tv - Real Housewife shows, house buying shows, etc. And I dislike that kind of TV so much I need to leave the room.
At first, we were both kind of "how can you watch that junk?" to each other. But sometimes you need to let your differences flourish - I would not be happy not watching sports, and she would not be happy not watching Brenda and Stacy call each other names for a half an hour. I have my mancave/office where I watch my stuff, she watches her stuff in the living room, and we come together on documentaries / certain series, etc.
Yes, there's been a lot of best friend stuff posted. I agree you have to enjoy each other's company. But having differences is ok, too. 20 excellent years here.
PIK95
Footballguy
Soulfly3
Footballguy
Bull Dozier
Footballguy
Kudos, and I didn't mean my post to mean it was the way for everyone to go. Just sharing my story and pointing out that if you have differences in taste at the beginning of a relationship, that doesn't mean it has to stay that way forever. Of course we still have differing tastes, different hobies, etc., and of course that is OK.
General Malaise
Footballguy
I got another one and this applies to more than just marriage and is especially important for young bucks going on first or second dates:
PUT. THE PHONE. AWAY!!!!!
Not "put the phone down near you"....put the phone in your pocket. It's a distraction and nobody - I don't care how adroit you think you are at multitasking - nobody can give their full and undivided attention as a listener with the temptation to check your phone.
Putting the phone away is a sign of respect to the other person. If you have something important you need to monitor, be up front about and make it clear why. Otherwise, give your spouse, significant other, date, friend, child or colleague the respect of listening in full.
I asked my 4 year old son who wanted desperately to play a board game with his mom if he would instead like to play a game with me. Know what he said? "No, you're too occupied". His words verbatim. He's FOUR. That's a wakeup call. People want to be listened to and engaged with fully.
Put. The Phone. Away.
PUT. THE PHONE. AWAY!!!!!
Not "put the phone down near you"....put the phone in your pocket. It's a distraction and nobody - I don't care how adroit you think you are at multitasking - nobody can give their full and undivided attention as a listener with the temptation to check your phone.
Putting the phone away is a sign of respect to the other person. If you have something important you need to monitor, be up front about and make it clear why. Otherwise, give your spouse, significant other, date, friend, child or colleague the respect of listening in full.
I asked my 4 year old son who wanted desperately to play a board game with his mom if he would instead like to play a game with me. Know what he said? "No, you're too occupied". His words verbatim. He's FOUR. That's a wakeup call. People want to be listened to and engaged with fully.
Put. The Phone. Away.
Zow
Footballguy
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General Malaise
Footballguy
jwb
Footballguy
Indeed. I honestly didn't take your post that way, although I probably should have clarified that. I just wanted to give a side where she doesn't like my TV (nor I hers), and that's ok.
BobbyLayne
Footballguy
Thunderlips
Footballguy
Always go for a small pantied woman at a young age. The panties don't get smaller as they get older....if you catch my drift.
BobbyLayne
Footballguy
I think what most people (men and women) whiff on is not realizing that it takes a long time to reveal ourselves to our spouses. That’s not a guy thing, it’s not a woman thing, ‘it’s a human thing.
Takes a good 5-7 years of committed, consistent effort before we truly peal the layers back. It’s not a coincidence that’s when most marriages fail, and a super common lament is “he/she changed. just not the same person I married.”
Well, duh.
Takes a good 5-7 years of committed, consistent effort before we truly peal the layers back. It’s not a coincidence that’s when most marriages fail, and a super common lament is “he/she changed. just not the same person I married.”
Well, duh.
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Bull Dozier
Footballguy
Thank God I'm not single, but if I was and in the dating scene, constant checking of the phone during a date would be a dealbreaker for me. Unfortunately my wife's hand is permanently attached to hers.
I'd like to think that after 20 years together (18 married) I have still successfully not revealed my true self to my wife, which is why we remain married.
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
There was an old bull and his young bull son standing on a hill looking down upon a field full of cows ...
Keerock
Footballguy
SHIZNITTTT
Footballguy
I work with older people. I had a couple who were in their 90's. Been married 70 plus years. Making small talk with the husband I asked, "What is the secret to a long happy marriage?"
Man - "you listening son? you really wanna know?"
Me - Yes
Man - "Listen carefully the secret to a long happy marriage is simple...you can be happy or you can be married!"
Me - You can't have both?
Man - "You didn't listen!"
Man - "you listening son? you really wanna know?"
Me - Yes
Man - "Listen carefully the secret to a long happy marriage is simple...you can be happy or you can be married!"
Me - You can't have both?
Man - "You didn't listen!"
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dickey moe
Fingerpicker
As a man named Mudbone once said:
"See, you learn something when you listen to old people. They ain't all fools, see? You don't get to be old being no fool, see? There's been a lot of young wise men, but they dead as a mother####er, ain't they?"
"See, you learn something when you listen to old people. They ain't all fools, see? You don't get to be old being no fool, see? There's been a lot of young wise men, but they dead as a mother####er, ain't they?"
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