Age 40 Song
i became a father at age 37 - i wasn't ready for this. i resigned myself to never going down that path. i accepted it, and it felt like the right decision, seeing as how i was having enough of a struggle just caring for myself. i had no designs on visiting any of that #### on other humans who would actually
count on me.
i had barely patched all the leaks on the good ship otb to start thriving somewhat, and
finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel that (for once) wasn't just another ####in' freight train. JUST. ONCE. DAMNIT.
i fell for my gf instantly - we were kindred from jump, it was a remarkable courtship, and she is just about the most amazing human you could ever hope to know - bright, passionate, independent, compassionate ... and hot as ####in' hell (yeah, that don't hurt).
there is a 15+ year age gap between us, and she was terrified that she would fail as a mother, and it tore her up - thinking she wasn't mature enough to deal with me and motherhood - but terminating was never an option she entertained. i assured her that the love and sweetness that she possessed would see her through. she was an angel all through the pregnancy, and i did all i could to make her feel safe and secure and loved and appreciated - she moved up here with me in January, our baby was due in August. i squired us into a sweet dupe on 8th ave ... spent the better part of a month preparing the nursery - did it up in lime green and pink (NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS!) - fixed the rest of the jernt up for max comfort for the mom to be. we had a concrete yard right off our laundry room, and i covered every square inch in padded tiles, put in a sandbox and mini swingset and slide. the side projects and my regular gig served to distract me, in retrospect ... my gf was ready, she was beside herself with anticipation - marking each milestone day/week of the pregnancy ... but i was still having a hell of a time wrapping my head around all this.
it floored me when i stopped to catch my breath - so i kept busy and busier - i had to. getting a buzz or drunk on wasn't cool because my gf couldn't partake because of the baby, and because she is STAUNCH sXe (straight edge - no booze, drugs, tobacco ever in her life). i kept finding projects. i painted the ####in' hallway. and the stoop bannister. and the garbage cans.
and the date kept creeping up.
the day my daughter was born stopped the clock - was time to hit RESET.
so i did.
i can blag on for another 1,644 paragraphs about how much it impacted drastic change in my life, but i think you all can grasp the kinda seismic shift it necessitated.
when i was asked by doc Ozzie (our OB) to cut the umbilical cord, i viewed it as a severing of all the bull#### that had preceeded that moment - time to stand up.
then i got to hold her - no words can convey the joy that swelled throughout every inch of my person ... i was responsible for this little life that was kicking and screaming ... when i saw her blue eyes (just like momma's) crying it melted me.
ready or not, it was time.
time to be responsible. time to care for something/someone other than my own damn selfish and reckless ###.
i had no handbook or instruction manual - my childhood was rife with examples of how NOT to rear a child ... how NOT to give a #### about the kid's feelings. or fears or troubles.
brave new world. i couldn't let those two down - i'd rather die trying than throw my hands up - it was time for the long haul.
greatest moment of my life.
every second since has been all i could've hoped for - it was a rebirth for me, and it more than likely saved my life.