DECEMBER 7, 1941: NO TIME TO SPARE
By ART BUCHWALD December 5, 1991
The phone has been ringing off the hook with calls from historians who want to know what I was doing on Dec. 7, 1941. After the third query, it occurred to me that I was giving out information I could easily use myself.
This is what I was doing on the Day of Infamy, which my father always referred to as the Day of Chutzpah.
There were five friends at the Forest Hills Bowling Alley in the borough of Queens in New York City.
They were Bob Markay, Arnie Alperstein, George Hankoff, **** Zimmerman and myself. All of us were 16 years old, and, next to bowling, our major topics of conversation were Glenn Miller, college football and girls. We were weak in current events.
It was early in the afternoon. George was ready to bowl when someone yelled from the cash register.
"The Japs have bombed Pearl Harbor."
Before we go any further, I want to explain that none of us were "politically correct" in those days, and we called the Japanese Japs. We called them a lot worse names when we heard they had sunk the entire U.S. fleet in Hawaii.
You cannot imagine our shock when the news sunk in.
I was going for a spare and missed it by two feet.
We gathered around the radio. Franklin Roosevelt came on the air and gave us the story. It was as if our father was telling us that a family member had died. When Roosevelt finished we looked at each other in silence.
Arnie broke it when he said, "We'll beat the friggin' blank-blanks in two weeks."
**** added: "It won't take that long. They don't have any oil."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"It was in Walter Winchell's column," he replied. "Besides, they eat raw fish and when we bottle up Tokyo Bay they'll starve to death."
Bob said: "I hope the war isn't over before we get in. I wouldn't mind killing some Japs."
"It will be over by then. We'll probably be part of the occupation army and go to dances with geisha girls and have great parties in the emperor's palace."
I said, "Maybe the Japs did more damage to Pearl Harbor than Roosevelt is admitting."
"How can they do any damage? Their planes are made of rice paper. Have you ever seen anything manufactured in Japan that could fly? Don't forget that the United States has the best antiaircraft weapons in the world."
"Where did you hear that?" George wanted to know.
"I saw it in Marvel Comics."
I declared: "We'll have them on their knees by Christmas. In the movies they're always falling down when it comes to hand-to-hand fighting."
We stood around discussing the military aspects of the sneak attack, as well as how our armed forces should respond. We weren't sure what measures Roosevelt ought to take, but we all agreed we should teach the Japs a lesson they'd never forget.
Little did we know that someday there would be nothing but Toyotas.
We couldn't do anything until we had more information, so we went back to the lanes. Arnie bowled 209, George scored 198, **** got a 183, Bob also got 183, and my score was 160. Whenever people have asked me what I thought of Pearl Harbor, I always tell the truth -- I was bowled over.