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Adoption and finding real parents (1 Viewer)

snellman

Footballguy
I am not good at telling stories so bear with me.

My wife is adopted, she has always known this because her parents have been very open with her. She has always wanted to find her birth mother, but did not take the final steps until recently. Her employer was very gracious to her and gave her the money she needed in order to get the case opened and search going. Her mother has been found and contacted. The case worker with the adoption agency has communicated with her mother and her mother was very nice and sent an e-mail through the agency with a lot of information. Of course with this being the age of the internet my wife and I have been able to get a lot of info on her now that we have a name and location along with a few pictures. Wife looks almost identical to her. She would like to find more pictures, but there are not a lot out there.

Now the hard part. At this time, she does not want to have any more contact with the wife. My wife is having a very hard time accepting this because she would really like to meet her mother. The lady has not said the she never wants to talk to her or meet her, just not right now. No one in the lady's family knows about the wife.(she has never told her husband or children and does not live where the wife was born. Was also very young when the wife was born.

Has anyone ever been through something similar? How do I help my wife in coping with this? She is very frustrated which is understandable, but I am not sure how to help her through this.

 
Without reading anything in your post, I'm an adoptive parent and I'm my son's "real parent". The word you want is "biological parents" or "birth parents".

This is more than semantics unless you don't care what your wife's parents think about you using that term around them.

 
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If your wife wants any chance of being welcomed into this woman's life, she needs to realize that managing this situation is just as important to her birth mom as it is to your wife. She's got a whole life set up that (however silly or smart it is) didn't seem to account for your wife's (re-)entry into it.

Your wife undoubtedly has heavily romanticized this moment, but she needs to allow this woman time and space to make up her own mind. It takes empathy, and that has absolutely nothing to do with rejection of your wife.

Other than reinforcing that, I'm not sure what to tell you to do other than to look for resources for adopted children who are going in search of their birth parents (I'm sure there are a bunch out there).

 
Without reading anything in your post, I'm an adoptive parent and I'm my son's "real parent". The word you want is "biological parents" or "birth parents".

This is more than semantics unless you don't care what your wife's parents think about you using that term around them.
If you read the post, you can see that he knows the difference. Lighten up.

The birth mother is not ready. Give your wife encouragement to stick it out.

 
Without reading anything in your post, I'm an adoptive parent and I'm my son's "real parent". The word you want is "biological parents" or "birth parents".

This is more than semantics unless you don't care what your wife's parents think about you using that term around them.
If you read the post, you can see that he knows the difference. Lighten up.

The birth mother is not ready. Give your wife encouragement to stick it out.
If he does, then he should know better than to use such poorly chosen words.

 
Without reading anything in your post, I'm an adoptive parent and I'm my son's "real parent". The word you want is "biological parents" or "birth parents".

This is more than semantics unless you don't care what your wife's parents think about you using that term around them.
If you read the post, you can see that he knows the difference. Lighten up.The birth mother is not ready. Give your wife encouragement to stick it out.
If he does, then he should know better than to use such poorly chosen words.
Not everyone is that tuned in. People are way to sensitive about too many things.

 
Your wife just needs to send an email/letter to the lady telling her that everything turned out great in her life (I am assuming this of course) but just to soothe any guilt the lady may have. Just let her know the door is open and she would love to meet her for lunch or just exchange emails.

I think the biggest part is getting rid of the guilt to get over that big hurdle. But your wife needs to accept and respect her decision whatever it may be.

My wife is adopted and we have talked many times about searching, but now that we have kids, it just would be too confusing for them and she doesn't want to hurt her dad.

Her parents didn't think they could have kids, so that is why she was adopted. However, after they adopted her, they had her brother. She knows she has 4 bio-sisters. Not knowing them would eat me up inside, but she has handled it so well.

 
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I am not good at telling stories so bear with me.

My wife is adopted, she has always known this because her parents have been very open with her. She has always wanted to find her birth mother, but did not take the final steps until recently. Her employer was very gracious to her and gave her the money she needed in order to get the case opened and search going. Her mother has been found and contacted. The case worker with the adoption agency has communicated with her mother and her mother was very nice and sent an e-mail through the agency with a lot of information. Of course with this being the age of the internet my wife and I have been able to get a lot of info on her now that we have a name and location along with a few pictures. Wife looks almost identical to her. She would like to find more pictures, but there are not a lot out there.

Now the hard part. At this time, she does not want to have any more contact with the wife. My wife is having a very hard time accepting this because she would really like to meet her mother. The lady has not said the she never wants to talk to her or meet her, just not right now. No one in the lady's family knows about the wife.(she has never told her husband or children and does not live where the wife was born. Was also very young when the wife was born.

Has anyone ever been through something similar? How do I help my wife in coping with this? She is very frustrated which is understandable, but I am not sure how to help her through this.
You had me at "I am not good at telling stories so bear with me".

I agree with most other posters; be patient and give the mother time. Take the positives out it. The mother was very cordial and she may have good reasons for not wanting contact. Be patient. If it were meant to be, it will be.

 

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