Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
Away we go. Any and all comments, questions, gripes, kudos are appreciated. As an additional blast of seasoning, I have added a Seinfeld quote to each pick that I feel best describes the selection, and/or the team making the pick. This will take the place of (or serve in place of) my usual jabs at my team’s archrivals and the gratuitous scatological humor that has sauced my previous mocks. The food-related innuendo, however, you still have to live with. Also, as always, I am projecting no trades until they actually happen, which, as of now, is naught.
1 - Oakland - JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU. Raiders still haven’t moved Moss for Rodgers, so Russell is the pick unless that happens. They passed on Rivers and Roethlisberger, and Leinart and Cutler : they won’t make that mistake again. It seems to me like they’re doing everything they can to justify choosing Calvin Johnson, who is clearly the top prospect in this draft, but the bottom line is that they need a QB of the future. Despite John Clayton’s assertions, Trent Green and Daunte Culpepper are not the drivers behind this pick.
KRAMER : “Well I don’t know what to do, man !!!”
2- Detroit – Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech. Detroit will try desperately to trade down here, but I simply believe it’s a 50/50 shot at this point that a trade goes down before their 15 minutes are up. This could easily be a Manning/Rivers situation where the pick is made and then the trade falls into place after the selection, so for now I am going to project Johnson to Detroit. This makes the #4 pick very difficult to guess, as I still see the Bucs as the team with the motivation and artillery to move up into this slot. Personally, I think the Lions are fools to trade either the pick or Johnson just based on their recent draft woes at the WR spot (Roy Williams worked out OK) but most Detroit fans will tell you that the more they SHOULDN’T do something, the more likely they will.
GEORGE: “Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots !”
3- Cleveland – Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame. This pick seemed to be a toss-up between Quinn and Peterson, but the recent news that Peterson re-injured his collarbone in the Fiesta Bowl and may miss training camp means that Quinn has likely edged ahead here. Browns ownership is rumored to want a QB of the future, Quinn played for Crennel’s buddy Charlie Weis at Notre Dame, and he’s an Ohio kid. I can’t see any way the Browns pass him up here, unless they trade down with a team like Miami, which wouldn’t be a bad idea.
GEORGE : “Why did it all turn out like this for me….. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.”
4- Tampa Bay – Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin. As I said earlier, this pick is tough to project, because I don’t know if this pick will be made by or for Tampa Bay, Detroit or maybe even Arizona, if Detroit can trade down twice. At this point, although Gaines Adams is a huge possibility, I think Thomas slots in here. I believe Tampa Bay and Arizona both would prefer Thomas to Adams, so the only way I see Adams going here is if Detroit ends up at this spot. Even then, Thomas could be the pick. Tampa, despite bringing Petitgout in, could really use some help on the line, and Thomas projects as a safer pick than the slightly undersized Adams, whose stock has been artificially inflated by Detroit’s interest.
KRAMER: “Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?”
GEORGE : “ Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned.”
5- Arizona – Levi Brown, OT, Penn St. I haven’t seen a mock yet project Brown to Arizona, but if Thomas is off the board, this is clearly the pick that makes the most sense. There are rumblings within the organization that some believe Brown actually has a higher upside than Thomas, and with Arizona having an absolutely thumping need at tackle, this pick makes sense. In fact, I’ve read that there’s a chance the Cards have already reached out to see if they can sign Brown before the draft. Is it really that much of a reach when most pundits have Brown going between 8-10 anyway? Of course, if Arizona moves up a spot for Thomas, Brown will drop to that 8-10 range, but no trade seems to be imminent, Brown goes here.
ELAINE: O.K. You start. What's your first choice?
JOEL: Stuart.
ELAINE: No. Second choice.
6- Washington - Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson. There is still a tremendous amount of speculation that Washington will trade down here, and in fact, I was prepared to have Buffalo trade their 1st, and 2nd rounders for Washington’s 1st and 5th rounders until the news that Peterson’s collarbone is re-injured surfaced. Washington had a humiliating 19 sacks all last season and Adams is the best pure pass rusher in this draft. LaRon Landry is also a real possibility here, but I think Washington’s pass defense woes are more easily fixed by generating any semblance of a pass rush than they are by adding another Pro Bowl safety. Minnesota may sniff around here if Adams is still available, and the Redskins could be well served to drop down and add a pick, but the Skins would be wise to hold onto the pick here and get the best pass rusher in the draft.
KRAMER : “You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you.”
7- Minnesota –Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas. Making the rounds was the rumor that the Vikings would take Peterson if he fell to this spot, but I think the injury concern forces them to re-focus. Minnesota desperately needs a receiver, but there should be some decent ones there at the top of round 2, but elite pass rushers likely will not be. So, Minnesota turns its attention to the D-line, where Kenechi Udeze registered a goose egg in the sack department last year, and Erasmus James is coming off a major injury and could be one bad shot away from being sidelined for good. The Minnesota pass defense was terrible last year, and lack of a pass rush was the main culprit. Anderson is a guy with huge upside, who may have just barely flashed what he can do. He has a great combo of size and speed at 290 pounds and a 4.75 40, and could be just what the doctor ordered for the Vikes. . I originally had Ginn here, but with his own injury concerns still lingering, this is far to early to justify choosing him. His relatively pedestrian 40 time failed to launch him into the top-10, as a sub 4.3 time could have.
KIM: If only you had taken your shoes off.
FRANK: I couldn't because I had a potential foot problem.
8- Atlanta - LaRon Landry, S, LSU. I’d etch this one in stone. If Landry is there when Atlanta picks, they’ll take him. They have a glaring need at safety, and Landry is one of the best to come along in a few years. The guy is an all-around player - flies to the ball, huge hitter, can play both the pass and the run - he’s the rare rookie who can start in his first year. They also have needs at OT, but with Brown and Thomas both gone, Landry becomes a no-brainer. I believe he’s one of the two or three safest picks in this draft, and while Petrino may be sorely tempted to draft his college player, Okoye, end is more of a need than tackle, and safety is a glaring need.
GUY ON TRAIN : See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot…I'm telling you ,it's a lock… His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder.
9 - Miami – Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville. Again, a team in need of a WR, but Ginn probably dropped out of the top 10, if he was ever in. They were probably hoping for Levi Brown here, but instead, they solve a need at DT. Jason Taylor is among the game’s best and Matt Roth should hold his own on the other side, but Traylor and Holliday are aging inside, and Okoye could step in after a year or so and be a dominant inside force. Okoye’s play probably doesn’t grade him out this high, but his sheer size (and the fact that he’s only 19, and likely still growing) will boost him into the top 10, based on potential.
JERRY: What do you mean you're in the same class?
KRAMER: He almost beat me.
JERRY: Kramer, you're fighting children?!
KRAMER: We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.
10- Houston – Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma. This is a gift for the team that whiffed horribly by passing on Reggie Bush a year ago. Peterson likely doesn’t fall here if not for the concerns that his collarbone is re-injured, but really – what does that matter to the Texans, who aren’t necessarily looking for an immediate fix so much as a long-term answer at RB? I was all set to project a lineman or corner to them, but if Cleveland and Minnesota pass and no one moves up to get AD (less likely with the injury news,) he could end up dropping to this spot. Peterson is the best every-down RB prospect to come along in a few years.
GEORGE: She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like
the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation
of the earth to save Lois Lane!
11- San Francisco - Alan Branch, DT, Michigan. I’ve seen most mocks projecting Patrick Willis or a wideout here, both of which fill needs, but I don’t see LB as the need DT is, nor is there a receiver available that I think they’ll find irresistible at this spot, given that a Sidney Rice or Steve Smith could be there for them in round 2. Nolan hired Greg Manusky to implement the 3-4, the key to which is a dominant NT. Sopoaga is not the answer, but Branch very well could be. I think he’s ideally suited to play nose, although many have hinted he could play 3-4 end, but to me his greatest attribute is his strength and athleticism, which enable him to nullify multiple blockers. In other words, exactly what a great NT does. There have been rumors that Branch’s stock is falling, but he’s too big and too talented for the Niners to pass up. Speculation is that he’s soft, but that remains to be seen.
KRAMER : “Smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet ….. masculine”
12- Buffalo – Patrick Willis, LB, Ole Miss. I was all set to have Buffalo move up for Adrian Peterson, but I’m not sure they’ll trade additional draft picks away for a guy with injury concerns. I think they’ll look long and hard at Marshawn Lynch and the top CBs here, but in the end, Willis seems to be too good a prospect to pass up. He already had the productivity in college to warrant being a high first-rounder, but running a sub 4.4 40 pretty much cemented it. Willis is likely this year’s top “workout warrior” and probably helped himself at the combine more than anyone else.
JERRY : “Little Jerry just ran from here to Newman’s in under 30 seconds.”
GEORGE : “Is that good?”
JERRY : “I don’t know.”
13- St. Louis – Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska. I think St. Louis needs front line help terribly, and Carriker is the best defensive lineman available here. The Rams mustered less than 2 sacks per game, so a versatile end like Carriker can combine with Leonard Little to make a fearsome pass rush duo, or they could move Carriker inside to the DT spot. After allowing almost 5 ypc last year, St. Louis desperately has to figure out how to stop the run, and Carriker is as stout vs. the run as he is solid as a pass rusher. For a team with this many needs along the defensive front, a guy with Carriker’s versatility and motor would be a brilliant pick-up. There was speculation that a WR was going to go here, but you figure the recent acquisition of Dante Hall may cause them to look elsewhere with this choice. Carriker can do a little of everything, and that’s what they need.
GEORGE: But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!
14- Carolina – Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn St. This is the toughest pick to project to this point. Carolina’s primary needs are really on the defensive side of the ball, but there are simply no safeties or ends that represent value at this spot, so a trade down out of this spot looms as a possibility if a team like Cincinnati, New York (Jets), or New Orleans wants to move up to this spot to get their hands on a cornerback. Denver is said to covet Willis, Carriker, or Anderson, so I doubt they move up here in this scenario. I believe Carolina will be forced to make a decision here. They need LBs both inside and out (primarily as insurance against another Dan Morgan concussion) and Posluszny offers more versatility than any other LB in the draft. He’s already made a position switch during college and suffered little to no loss of productivity and he seems like a John Fox kind of player. This may be a bit of a reach, but we all know Morgan is going down sooner rather than later, so odds are he plays quickly.
Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?
Elaine: What extremities?
Kramer: What's an extremity?
Jerry: You raise the feet, get blood to the head.
Kramer: You raise the head, you get blood to the feet.
15- Pittsburgh – Darrelle Revis, CB, Pittsburgh. Another spot where need and value don’t necessarily intersect, as the Steelers seem to be looking towards replenishing the linebacker or guard position here, but the available talent either doesn’t grade out this high, or doesn’t fit their scheme. Posluszny and Timmons are possibilities, but both are much better suited to the 4-3, while new coach Mike Tomlin has stated that the 3-4 will remain in place to take advantage of both his defensive personnel and coaches. It’s probably a bit early to draft a Ryan Kalil, Arron Sears, or Ben Grubbs, so I expect the Steelers to try very hard to deal down. If forced to stay here, the value lies in Revis, despite Tomlin’s proclamations that Ike Taylor is poised to become an elite corner. Deshea Townsend is at the end of the road, and the jury is still out on Bryant McFadden and Ricardo Colclough, so adding another young talent to the mix couldn’t hurt, although I don’t feel this is their biggest need position.
BANIA : “This is gold, Jerry, gold !”
16- Green Bay – Marshawn Lynch, RB, California. Green Bay must be like a pig in [cough] here, with the #2 RB and WR, and #1 CB still on the board. With a number of ways they could go here, I imagine they’ll address their largest area of need, which at this point has to be running back. Lynch is an elite prospect and could potentially start from day one, which is likely more than could be said for the corner prospects available at this juncture, all of whom are flawed.
PUDDY : “We’ve got one in black, that’s the hot color. High five.”
17- Jacksonville - Reggie Nelson, S, Florida. The Jags’ most glaring need is at safety, with the departure of Deon Grant. The local kid makes too much sense not to project here. Nelson has speed that lead some to believe he could play corner in a pinch, and the opportunity to pair Nelson with Rashean Mathis will be tantalizing for the Jags’ brass. There have been whispers that Nelson is, for lack of a better word, dumb – but I find it hard to believe that a team with such an obvious need at safety would pass on a potential impact guy like Nelson. He has pure ballhawking skills, and his purported lack of intelligence sure didn’t show itself at Florida.
JERRY : She had man-hands.
ELAINE : Man hands?
JERRY : The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
18- Cincinnati – Leon Hall, CB, Michigan. Cincinnati really needs another corner with the departure of Tory James, and the declining effectiveness of Deltha O’Neal. Pairing Hall with Johnathan Joseph could give them a lethal pair of corners for the next 10 years. Chris Houston will also be a consideration here, but Hall is said to have the superior work ethic and is a high-character guy, which the Bengals desperately need as they attempt to give their PR department a break and satisfy fans looking for more wholesome characters to put on the field. Houston doesn’t raise any red flags as a poor character guy, but his bust factor is higher than that of Hall. Scouts are torn over which corners they prefer, so my hunch is that the Bengals stick with the safer choice over the higher-upside guy.
GEORGE: All right, I’ll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let’s stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I’ve got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.
19- Tennessee – Robert Meachem, WR, Tennessee. Cornerback is a possibility here, with many folks’ #1 prospect on the board, but the titans need a receiver so badly, it’s almost absurd. With the quality available at this point, one would think they’d like to give Vince Young some weapons to throw to, and the local kid Meachem may have the highest upside of anyone on the board at this point. His combination of size and speed is impressive, and really all he lacks at this point is seasoning. The fans in Tennessee have watched this kid develop and would likely be psyched to have a chance to really watch him blossom in a Titans uniform.
KRAMER: No, man! Not the gas!
RICK: But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad!
20- New York Giants – Joe Staley, OT, Central Michigan. The Giants having a gaping hole at tackle, and their need fits perfectly with a guy whose stock is soaring. Staley has rare mobility for a tackle, and if he can beef up some without losing foot speed, he could be a legitimate cornerstone LT in the NFL. He needs to improve as a drive blocker, but performed well in his few games against top-flight competition, suggesting he could make the leap from small school college ball to the NFL. They desperately need to protect their giant investment in Eli Manning, so OL makes a lot of sense in round one.
Kramer: "It's a strongbox to protect my irreplacables."
Elaine: "And... what would those be?"
Kramer: "Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations. My Tony, my... military discharge."
Jerry: "You were in the Army?"
Kramer: "Briefly.”
21- Denver - Jarvis Moss, DE, Florida. Moss could go a few picks higher to Pittsburgh if prefer him to Anthony Spencer, but Spencer’s stock is on the rise, while Moss’ seems to be dipping a bit. Denver’s primary concern is generating a better pass rush and Moss is about as well equipped to that as anyone in this draft. At almost 6’ 7”, he can easily stand to increase his bulk, and a few months in an NFL weight room will probably have him playing in the 270s next year. He was beginning to really show signs of becoming a disruptive force in college and I believe Denver will take the guy that upgrades their biggest need position. Staley would have been a consideration here had the Giants not snapped him up one pick earlier. There’s a lot of speculation that Denver is attempting to trade up into the top 10, but I don’t think they have the artillery to do it.
JERRY: Ah, I didn't have enough money.
BRETT: I'm sure things'll pick up for you.
22- Dallas – Anthony Spencer, DE, Purdue. The Cowboys handled two need positions by bringing in Hamlin and Leonard Davis, so I think they look for another edge rusher here to complement DeMarcus Ware. I think they’d be thrilled to see a guy like Spencer available here; he led the nation in tackles for loss last season, and has shown the quickness to get the edge in the NFL. I also believe they may be looking receiver here, knowing that Owens is likely on borrowed time and Terry Glenn is on the downside of his career. They are said to really like Dwayne Jarrett, and he could be the choice here if they don’t go OLB, or think Timmons is too small to play it in a 3-4. As far as Owens goes :
GEORGE: Well, is he good, Kramer?
KRAMER: Oh, he's the best...and the worst!
23- Kansas City – Ted Ginn, Jr., WR, Ohio St. Kansas City needs a receiver - what else is new? Luckily for them, this happens to be a very receiver-rich draft and a guy like Ginn likely would not be around at #23 were it not for lingering injury concerns. Ginn has world-class speed but hasn’t been healthy enough to show it, and some teams believe his real value lies in his kick return ability more so than his receiving skill. Kansas City just traded away Dante Hall, though, so they now have a huge need at both spots, and it must feel like Christmas that Ginn was still on the board here. CB and DT are also possibilities here, but I doubt they can pass up Ginn’s game-breaking potential. Many people think they’re looking CB here, but Law and Surtain may be older but are still effective, giving them time to wait another year or develop a later round CB.
LOIS: So you WERE the fastest kid in school.
JERRY: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
24- New England – Jon Beason, LB, Miami.. This is a team without a lot of holes, and they did a solid job of addressing the WR and CB spots through free agency, so my thought is that they’re using these two first round picks to draft depth. The positions at which the Patriots are oldest are ILB and S. Beason projects best to the outside, but in New England’s 3-4, he actually is better suited to play the middle, size-wise. He also has experience both inside, strong side, and weak side during his college career. Makes perfect sense for the Patriots.
ELAINE : “Someday, something terrible is going to happen to you. It HAS to.”
JERRY : “No, I’m gonna be just fine.”
25- New York Jets - Chris Houston, CB, Arkansas. Houston’s vast upside is going to prevent him from dropping any farther than this. His stellar 40 time backed up what many scouts are seeing on tape, namely Houston shutting down most of the name receivers in this draft when they met in 2006 (Bowe, Jarrett, and Meachem were held in check by the Razorback.). The Jets need a corner to pair with Dyson and Houston’s upside will vault him over Ross and McCauley.
JERRY: No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies!
26- Philadelphia - Michael Griffin, S, Texas. Could go WR very easily here, but with the signing of Curtis, I think they’ll address that later and tend to the ailing secondary. Griffin projects to free safety ideally in the NFL, but did have 12 starts at strong safety in 2005, so he knows the position and could slot in well next to Dawkins, as well as being able to move to FS in the future. He’s a hitter and can provide an immediate impact on special teams as well. I’m sticking with this pick from the first mock to this one, I just think Griffin makes too much sense for Philly not to take him.
UNCLE LEO : “Jerry….. hello !” (Not sure what sense that makes, I just wanted an Uncle Leo quote in here.)
27- New Orleans- Justin Harrell, DT, Tennessee. New Orleans is sure to go defense with this pick, but when I was all set to project Aaron Ross to them, they grab Jason David, so now I think they’ll turn their attention to the interior DL, where they could use an upgrade. Harrell is a top-15 talent whose senior season was marred by injuries, and I believe he represents tremendous value this late in round 1. Some believe as good as Okoye or Branch, so grabbing him at #27 is quite a coup for an already strong Saints ball club (still doesn’t sound right, does it?)
FRANK : “I’m like a phoenix….. rising from Arizona !”
28- New England – Brandon Meriweather, S, Miami. I think after shoring up the LB depth, New England will look for a player that can play either safety spot to back up their incumbents, and Meriweather is a guy who fits the bill. There are some character issues with this kid, but the Patriots likely feel they can keep the clamps on him – after all, if they can’t, who can? Meriweather has definite first round talent, and is fast enough to even play some corner in the NFL, so if Tory James is a flop, they can even potentially move him to CB. After drafting Beason earlier, bringing his teammate in makes a lot of sense.
MANDELBAUM : “You think you’re better than me, don’t you?”
29- Baltimore – Arron Sears, T, Texas. . I think they’ll look at Justin Blalock here as well, but Sears’ stock is on the way up after many scouts projected him to be able to play either tackle or guard. I believe Baltimore’s more pressing need is at tackle, and Sears is a late-riser who has caught the eye of a number of first-round teams, including the mighty Steelers. If the Ravens believe he has a future at tackle, I think they’ll take him, otherwise they may turn their attention to Blalock or Tony Ugoh.
JERRY : What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
30 - San Diego – Dwayne Bowe, WR, LSU. San Diego may have pressing needs on the defensive side of the ball (LB and S), meaning a guy like Meriwether or Beason could easily be the choice here, but they’ve need a top-notch receiver for so long that it seems difficult to imagine they’d pass up a guy like Bowe. With his size and speed, he has potential #1 WR written all over him, and to get a guy like that after a season in which you were minutes from the conference title game is an opportunity that doesn’t come around every day. He’s a far better prospect than Vincent Jackson, and would provide the last piece of the offensive puzzle for the Bolts, who can address S and LB in rounds 2-3. Bowe is simply too big a steal here to pass up.
GEORGE : “I got it all…. I’m busting, Jerry, I’m busting !”
31- Chicago - Greg Olsen, TE, Miami. Some are down on Olsen, but I think in the right system, he could be a monster. The guy has hands of glue, terrific speed, moves more like a receiver than a TE, and has underrated blocking ability. People rightly point out his lack of productivity in college, but I believe his talent can shine through in Chicago, where he’s likely to be targeted early and often. Very few LBs can run with this kid and he would provide quite a safety net for erratic Rex Grossman. With his combo of size and speed, I think he’d be a top-15 pick if people weren’t concerned about his propensity to disappear from games in college.
Woman: There's no exchanges on this.
George: You think she would care about the red dot?
Jerry: It's hard to say.
George: I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it?
Jerry: Well I can see it.
George: Yeah, but you know where it is.
Jerry: Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it?
32 - Indianapolis – Lawrence Timmons, OLB, Florida St. This is sure to be a defense pick, and with the departure of Cato June, it makes too much sense not to project this. He’s too talented and too fast not to get snapped up in the first 30 or so picks, and he could theoretically step right in for June. Timmons could go as early as #14 to Carolina, so picking him up at the end of round 1 would be a real steal for the defending champs. They also would love to shore up the interior defensive line, but the value just isn’t there with Harrell coming off the board at #27 to New Orleans.
Jerry: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of
course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison?
You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?
Prisoner 1: I am.
Jerry: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
Prisoner 2: Murder one.
Jerry: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about
you, what are you in for?
Prisoner 3: Grand theft auto.
Jerry: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.
Prisoner 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.
Jerry: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.
Guard: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
Jerry: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, that’s it. Have at it, hoss.
1 - Oakland - JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU. Raiders still haven’t moved Moss for Rodgers, so Russell is the pick unless that happens. They passed on Rivers and Roethlisberger, and Leinart and Cutler : they won’t make that mistake again. It seems to me like they’re doing everything they can to justify choosing Calvin Johnson, who is clearly the top prospect in this draft, but the bottom line is that they need a QB of the future. Despite John Clayton’s assertions, Trent Green and Daunte Culpepper are not the drivers behind this pick.
KRAMER : “Well I don’t know what to do, man !!!”
2- Detroit – Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech. Detroit will try desperately to trade down here, but I simply believe it’s a 50/50 shot at this point that a trade goes down before their 15 minutes are up. This could easily be a Manning/Rivers situation where the pick is made and then the trade falls into place after the selection, so for now I am going to project Johnson to Detroit. This makes the #4 pick very difficult to guess, as I still see the Bucs as the team with the motivation and artillery to move up into this slot. Personally, I think the Lions are fools to trade either the pick or Johnson just based on their recent draft woes at the WR spot (Roy Williams worked out OK) but most Detroit fans will tell you that the more they SHOULDN’T do something, the more likely they will.
GEORGE: “Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots !”
3- Cleveland – Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame. This pick seemed to be a toss-up between Quinn and Peterson, but the recent news that Peterson re-injured his collarbone in the Fiesta Bowl and may miss training camp means that Quinn has likely edged ahead here. Browns ownership is rumored to want a QB of the future, Quinn played for Crennel’s buddy Charlie Weis at Notre Dame, and he’s an Ohio kid. I can’t see any way the Browns pass him up here, unless they trade down with a team like Miami, which wouldn’t be a bad idea.
GEORGE : “Why did it all turn out like this for me….. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.”
4- Tampa Bay – Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin. As I said earlier, this pick is tough to project, because I don’t know if this pick will be made by or for Tampa Bay, Detroit or maybe even Arizona, if Detroit can trade down twice. At this point, although Gaines Adams is a huge possibility, I think Thomas slots in here. I believe Tampa Bay and Arizona both would prefer Thomas to Adams, so the only way I see Adams going here is if Detroit ends up at this spot. Even then, Thomas could be the pick. Tampa, despite bringing Petitgout in, could really use some help on the line, and Thomas projects as a safer pick than the slightly undersized Adams, whose stock has been artificially inflated by Detroit’s interest.
KRAMER: “Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?”
GEORGE : “ Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned.”
5- Arizona – Levi Brown, OT, Penn St. I haven’t seen a mock yet project Brown to Arizona, but if Thomas is off the board, this is clearly the pick that makes the most sense. There are rumblings within the organization that some believe Brown actually has a higher upside than Thomas, and with Arizona having an absolutely thumping need at tackle, this pick makes sense. In fact, I’ve read that there’s a chance the Cards have already reached out to see if they can sign Brown before the draft. Is it really that much of a reach when most pundits have Brown going between 8-10 anyway? Of course, if Arizona moves up a spot for Thomas, Brown will drop to that 8-10 range, but no trade seems to be imminent, Brown goes here.
ELAINE: O.K. You start. What's your first choice?
JOEL: Stuart.
ELAINE: No. Second choice.
6- Washington - Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson. There is still a tremendous amount of speculation that Washington will trade down here, and in fact, I was prepared to have Buffalo trade their 1st, and 2nd rounders for Washington’s 1st and 5th rounders until the news that Peterson’s collarbone is re-injured surfaced. Washington had a humiliating 19 sacks all last season and Adams is the best pure pass rusher in this draft. LaRon Landry is also a real possibility here, but I think Washington’s pass defense woes are more easily fixed by generating any semblance of a pass rush than they are by adding another Pro Bowl safety. Minnesota may sniff around here if Adams is still available, and the Redskins could be well served to drop down and add a pick, but the Skins would be wise to hold onto the pick here and get the best pass rusher in the draft.
KRAMER : “You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you.”
7- Minnesota –Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas. Making the rounds was the rumor that the Vikings would take Peterson if he fell to this spot, but I think the injury concern forces them to re-focus. Minnesota desperately needs a receiver, but there should be some decent ones there at the top of round 2, but elite pass rushers likely will not be. So, Minnesota turns its attention to the D-line, where Kenechi Udeze registered a goose egg in the sack department last year, and Erasmus James is coming off a major injury and could be one bad shot away from being sidelined for good. The Minnesota pass defense was terrible last year, and lack of a pass rush was the main culprit. Anderson is a guy with huge upside, who may have just barely flashed what he can do. He has a great combo of size and speed at 290 pounds and a 4.75 40, and could be just what the doctor ordered for the Vikes. . I originally had Ginn here, but with his own injury concerns still lingering, this is far to early to justify choosing him. His relatively pedestrian 40 time failed to launch him into the top-10, as a sub 4.3 time could have.
KIM: If only you had taken your shoes off.
FRANK: I couldn't because I had a potential foot problem.
8- Atlanta - LaRon Landry, S, LSU. I’d etch this one in stone. If Landry is there when Atlanta picks, they’ll take him. They have a glaring need at safety, and Landry is one of the best to come along in a few years. The guy is an all-around player - flies to the ball, huge hitter, can play both the pass and the run - he’s the rare rookie who can start in his first year. They also have needs at OT, but with Brown and Thomas both gone, Landry becomes a no-brainer. I believe he’s one of the two or three safest picks in this draft, and while Petrino may be sorely tempted to draft his college player, Okoye, end is more of a need than tackle, and safety is a glaring need.
GUY ON TRAIN : See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot…I'm telling you ,it's a lock… His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder.
9 - Miami – Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville. Again, a team in need of a WR, but Ginn probably dropped out of the top 10, if he was ever in. They were probably hoping for Levi Brown here, but instead, they solve a need at DT. Jason Taylor is among the game’s best and Matt Roth should hold his own on the other side, but Traylor and Holliday are aging inside, and Okoye could step in after a year or so and be a dominant inside force. Okoye’s play probably doesn’t grade him out this high, but his sheer size (and the fact that he’s only 19, and likely still growing) will boost him into the top 10, based on potential.
JERRY: What do you mean you're in the same class?
KRAMER: He almost beat me.
JERRY: Kramer, you're fighting children?!
KRAMER: We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.
10- Houston – Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma. This is a gift for the team that whiffed horribly by passing on Reggie Bush a year ago. Peterson likely doesn’t fall here if not for the concerns that his collarbone is re-injured, but really – what does that matter to the Texans, who aren’t necessarily looking for an immediate fix so much as a long-term answer at RB? I was all set to project a lineman or corner to them, but if Cleveland and Minnesota pass and no one moves up to get AD (less likely with the injury news,) he could end up dropping to this spot. Peterson is the best every-down RB prospect to come along in a few years.
GEORGE: She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like
the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation
of the earth to save Lois Lane!
11- San Francisco - Alan Branch, DT, Michigan. I’ve seen most mocks projecting Patrick Willis or a wideout here, both of which fill needs, but I don’t see LB as the need DT is, nor is there a receiver available that I think they’ll find irresistible at this spot, given that a Sidney Rice or Steve Smith could be there for them in round 2. Nolan hired Greg Manusky to implement the 3-4, the key to which is a dominant NT. Sopoaga is not the answer, but Branch very well could be. I think he’s ideally suited to play nose, although many have hinted he could play 3-4 end, but to me his greatest attribute is his strength and athleticism, which enable him to nullify multiple blockers. In other words, exactly what a great NT does. There have been rumors that Branch’s stock is falling, but he’s too big and too talented for the Niners to pass up. Speculation is that he’s soft, but that remains to be seen.
KRAMER : “Smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet ….. masculine”
12- Buffalo – Patrick Willis, LB, Ole Miss. I was all set to have Buffalo move up for Adrian Peterson, but I’m not sure they’ll trade additional draft picks away for a guy with injury concerns. I think they’ll look long and hard at Marshawn Lynch and the top CBs here, but in the end, Willis seems to be too good a prospect to pass up. He already had the productivity in college to warrant being a high first-rounder, but running a sub 4.4 40 pretty much cemented it. Willis is likely this year’s top “workout warrior” and probably helped himself at the combine more than anyone else.
JERRY : “Little Jerry just ran from here to Newman’s in under 30 seconds.”
GEORGE : “Is that good?”
JERRY : “I don’t know.”
13- St. Louis – Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska. I think St. Louis needs front line help terribly, and Carriker is the best defensive lineman available here. The Rams mustered less than 2 sacks per game, so a versatile end like Carriker can combine with Leonard Little to make a fearsome pass rush duo, or they could move Carriker inside to the DT spot. After allowing almost 5 ypc last year, St. Louis desperately has to figure out how to stop the run, and Carriker is as stout vs. the run as he is solid as a pass rusher. For a team with this many needs along the defensive front, a guy with Carriker’s versatility and motor would be a brilliant pick-up. There was speculation that a WR was going to go here, but you figure the recent acquisition of Dante Hall may cause them to look elsewhere with this choice. Carriker can do a little of everything, and that’s what they need.
GEORGE: But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!
14- Carolina – Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn St. This is the toughest pick to project to this point. Carolina’s primary needs are really on the defensive side of the ball, but there are simply no safeties or ends that represent value at this spot, so a trade down out of this spot looms as a possibility if a team like Cincinnati, New York (Jets), or New Orleans wants to move up to this spot to get their hands on a cornerback. Denver is said to covet Willis, Carriker, or Anderson, so I doubt they move up here in this scenario. I believe Carolina will be forced to make a decision here. They need LBs both inside and out (primarily as insurance against another Dan Morgan concussion) and Posluszny offers more versatility than any other LB in the draft. He’s already made a position switch during college and suffered little to no loss of productivity and he seems like a John Fox kind of player. This may be a bit of a reach, but we all know Morgan is going down sooner rather than later, so odds are he plays quickly.
Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?
Elaine: What extremities?
Kramer: What's an extremity?
Jerry: You raise the feet, get blood to the head.
Kramer: You raise the head, you get blood to the feet.
15- Pittsburgh – Darrelle Revis, CB, Pittsburgh. Another spot where need and value don’t necessarily intersect, as the Steelers seem to be looking towards replenishing the linebacker or guard position here, but the available talent either doesn’t grade out this high, or doesn’t fit their scheme. Posluszny and Timmons are possibilities, but both are much better suited to the 4-3, while new coach Mike Tomlin has stated that the 3-4 will remain in place to take advantage of both his defensive personnel and coaches. It’s probably a bit early to draft a Ryan Kalil, Arron Sears, or Ben Grubbs, so I expect the Steelers to try very hard to deal down. If forced to stay here, the value lies in Revis, despite Tomlin’s proclamations that Ike Taylor is poised to become an elite corner. Deshea Townsend is at the end of the road, and the jury is still out on Bryant McFadden and Ricardo Colclough, so adding another young talent to the mix couldn’t hurt, although I don’t feel this is their biggest need position.
BANIA : “This is gold, Jerry, gold !”
16- Green Bay – Marshawn Lynch, RB, California. Green Bay must be like a pig in [cough] here, with the #2 RB and WR, and #1 CB still on the board. With a number of ways they could go here, I imagine they’ll address their largest area of need, which at this point has to be running back. Lynch is an elite prospect and could potentially start from day one, which is likely more than could be said for the corner prospects available at this juncture, all of whom are flawed.
PUDDY : “We’ve got one in black, that’s the hot color. High five.”
17- Jacksonville - Reggie Nelson, S, Florida. The Jags’ most glaring need is at safety, with the departure of Deon Grant. The local kid makes too much sense not to project here. Nelson has speed that lead some to believe he could play corner in a pinch, and the opportunity to pair Nelson with Rashean Mathis will be tantalizing for the Jags’ brass. There have been whispers that Nelson is, for lack of a better word, dumb – but I find it hard to believe that a team with such an obvious need at safety would pass on a potential impact guy like Nelson. He has pure ballhawking skills, and his purported lack of intelligence sure didn’t show itself at Florida.
JERRY : She had man-hands.
ELAINE : Man hands?
JERRY : The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
18- Cincinnati – Leon Hall, CB, Michigan. Cincinnati really needs another corner with the departure of Tory James, and the declining effectiveness of Deltha O’Neal. Pairing Hall with Johnathan Joseph could give them a lethal pair of corners for the next 10 years. Chris Houston will also be a consideration here, but Hall is said to have the superior work ethic and is a high-character guy, which the Bengals desperately need as they attempt to give their PR department a break and satisfy fans looking for more wholesome characters to put on the field. Houston doesn’t raise any red flags as a poor character guy, but his bust factor is higher than that of Hall. Scouts are torn over which corners they prefer, so my hunch is that the Bengals stick with the safer choice over the higher-upside guy.
GEORGE: All right, I’ll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let’s stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I’ve got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.
19- Tennessee – Robert Meachem, WR, Tennessee. Cornerback is a possibility here, with many folks’ #1 prospect on the board, but the titans need a receiver so badly, it’s almost absurd. With the quality available at this point, one would think they’d like to give Vince Young some weapons to throw to, and the local kid Meachem may have the highest upside of anyone on the board at this point. His combination of size and speed is impressive, and really all he lacks at this point is seasoning. The fans in Tennessee have watched this kid develop and would likely be psyched to have a chance to really watch him blossom in a Titans uniform.
KRAMER: No, man! Not the gas!
RICK: But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad!
20- New York Giants – Joe Staley, OT, Central Michigan. The Giants having a gaping hole at tackle, and their need fits perfectly with a guy whose stock is soaring. Staley has rare mobility for a tackle, and if he can beef up some without losing foot speed, he could be a legitimate cornerstone LT in the NFL. He needs to improve as a drive blocker, but performed well in his few games against top-flight competition, suggesting he could make the leap from small school college ball to the NFL. They desperately need to protect their giant investment in Eli Manning, so OL makes a lot of sense in round one.
Kramer: "It's a strongbox to protect my irreplacables."
Elaine: "And... what would those be?"
Kramer: "Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations. My Tony, my... military discharge."
Jerry: "You were in the Army?"
Kramer: "Briefly.”
21- Denver - Jarvis Moss, DE, Florida. Moss could go a few picks higher to Pittsburgh if prefer him to Anthony Spencer, but Spencer’s stock is on the rise, while Moss’ seems to be dipping a bit. Denver’s primary concern is generating a better pass rush and Moss is about as well equipped to that as anyone in this draft. At almost 6’ 7”, he can easily stand to increase his bulk, and a few months in an NFL weight room will probably have him playing in the 270s next year. He was beginning to really show signs of becoming a disruptive force in college and I believe Denver will take the guy that upgrades their biggest need position. Staley would have been a consideration here had the Giants not snapped him up one pick earlier. There’s a lot of speculation that Denver is attempting to trade up into the top 10, but I don’t think they have the artillery to do it.
JERRY: Ah, I didn't have enough money.
BRETT: I'm sure things'll pick up for you.
22- Dallas – Anthony Spencer, DE, Purdue. The Cowboys handled two need positions by bringing in Hamlin and Leonard Davis, so I think they look for another edge rusher here to complement DeMarcus Ware. I think they’d be thrilled to see a guy like Spencer available here; he led the nation in tackles for loss last season, and has shown the quickness to get the edge in the NFL. I also believe they may be looking receiver here, knowing that Owens is likely on borrowed time and Terry Glenn is on the downside of his career. They are said to really like Dwayne Jarrett, and he could be the choice here if they don’t go OLB, or think Timmons is too small to play it in a 3-4. As far as Owens goes :
GEORGE: Well, is he good, Kramer?
KRAMER: Oh, he's the best...and the worst!
23- Kansas City – Ted Ginn, Jr., WR, Ohio St. Kansas City needs a receiver - what else is new? Luckily for them, this happens to be a very receiver-rich draft and a guy like Ginn likely would not be around at #23 were it not for lingering injury concerns. Ginn has world-class speed but hasn’t been healthy enough to show it, and some teams believe his real value lies in his kick return ability more so than his receiving skill. Kansas City just traded away Dante Hall, though, so they now have a huge need at both spots, and it must feel like Christmas that Ginn was still on the board here. CB and DT are also possibilities here, but I doubt they can pass up Ginn’s game-breaking potential. Many people think they’re looking CB here, but Law and Surtain may be older but are still effective, giving them time to wait another year or develop a later round CB.
LOIS: So you WERE the fastest kid in school.
JERRY: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
24- New England – Jon Beason, LB, Miami.. This is a team without a lot of holes, and they did a solid job of addressing the WR and CB spots through free agency, so my thought is that they’re using these two first round picks to draft depth. The positions at which the Patriots are oldest are ILB and S. Beason projects best to the outside, but in New England’s 3-4, he actually is better suited to play the middle, size-wise. He also has experience both inside, strong side, and weak side during his college career. Makes perfect sense for the Patriots.
ELAINE : “Someday, something terrible is going to happen to you. It HAS to.”
JERRY : “No, I’m gonna be just fine.”
25- New York Jets - Chris Houston, CB, Arkansas. Houston’s vast upside is going to prevent him from dropping any farther than this. His stellar 40 time backed up what many scouts are seeing on tape, namely Houston shutting down most of the name receivers in this draft when they met in 2006 (Bowe, Jarrett, and Meachem were held in check by the Razorback.). The Jets need a corner to pair with Dyson and Houston’s upside will vault him over Ross and McCauley.
JERRY: No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies!
26- Philadelphia - Michael Griffin, S, Texas. Could go WR very easily here, but with the signing of Curtis, I think they’ll address that later and tend to the ailing secondary. Griffin projects to free safety ideally in the NFL, but did have 12 starts at strong safety in 2005, so he knows the position and could slot in well next to Dawkins, as well as being able to move to FS in the future. He’s a hitter and can provide an immediate impact on special teams as well. I’m sticking with this pick from the first mock to this one, I just think Griffin makes too much sense for Philly not to take him.
UNCLE LEO : “Jerry….. hello !” (Not sure what sense that makes, I just wanted an Uncle Leo quote in here.)
27- New Orleans- Justin Harrell, DT, Tennessee. New Orleans is sure to go defense with this pick, but when I was all set to project Aaron Ross to them, they grab Jason David, so now I think they’ll turn their attention to the interior DL, where they could use an upgrade. Harrell is a top-15 talent whose senior season was marred by injuries, and I believe he represents tremendous value this late in round 1. Some believe as good as Okoye or Branch, so grabbing him at #27 is quite a coup for an already strong Saints ball club (still doesn’t sound right, does it?)
FRANK : “I’m like a phoenix….. rising from Arizona !”
28- New England – Brandon Meriweather, S, Miami. I think after shoring up the LB depth, New England will look for a player that can play either safety spot to back up their incumbents, and Meriweather is a guy who fits the bill. There are some character issues with this kid, but the Patriots likely feel they can keep the clamps on him – after all, if they can’t, who can? Meriweather has definite first round talent, and is fast enough to even play some corner in the NFL, so if Tory James is a flop, they can even potentially move him to CB. After drafting Beason earlier, bringing his teammate in makes a lot of sense.
MANDELBAUM : “You think you’re better than me, don’t you?”
29- Baltimore – Arron Sears, T, Texas. . I think they’ll look at Justin Blalock here as well, but Sears’ stock is on the way up after many scouts projected him to be able to play either tackle or guard. I believe Baltimore’s more pressing need is at tackle, and Sears is a late-riser who has caught the eye of a number of first-round teams, including the mighty Steelers. If the Ravens believe he has a future at tackle, I think they’ll take him, otherwise they may turn their attention to Blalock or Tony Ugoh.
JERRY : What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
30 - San Diego – Dwayne Bowe, WR, LSU. San Diego may have pressing needs on the defensive side of the ball (LB and S), meaning a guy like Meriwether or Beason could easily be the choice here, but they’ve need a top-notch receiver for so long that it seems difficult to imagine they’d pass up a guy like Bowe. With his size and speed, he has potential #1 WR written all over him, and to get a guy like that after a season in which you were minutes from the conference title game is an opportunity that doesn’t come around every day. He’s a far better prospect than Vincent Jackson, and would provide the last piece of the offensive puzzle for the Bolts, who can address S and LB in rounds 2-3. Bowe is simply too big a steal here to pass up.
GEORGE : “I got it all…. I’m busting, Jerry, I’m busting !”
31- Chicago - Greg Olsen, TE, Miami. Some are down on Olsen, but I think in the right system, he could be a monster. The guy has hands of glue, terrific speed, moves more like a receiver than a TE, and has underrated blocking ability. People rightly point out his lack of productivity in college, but I believe his talent can shine through in Chicago, where he’s likely to be targeted early and often. Very few LBs can run with this kid and he would provide quite a safety net for erratic Rex Grossman. With his combo of size and speed, I think he’d be a top-15 pick if people weren’t concerned about his propensity to disappear from games in college.
Woman: There's no exchanges on this.
George: You think she would care about the red dot?
Jerry: It's hard to say.
George: I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it?
Jerry: Well I can see it.
George: Yeah, but you know where it is.
Jerry: Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it?
32 - Indianapolis – Lawrence Timmons, OLB, Florida St. This is sure to be a defense pick, and with the departure of Cato June, it makes too much sense not to project this. He’s too talented and too fast not to get snapped up in the first 30 or so picks, and he could theoretically step right in for June. Timmons could go as early as #14 to Carolina, so picking him up at the end of round 1 would be a real steal for the defending champs. They also would love to shore up the interior defensive line, but the value just isn’t there with Harrell coming off the board at #27 to New Orleans.
Jerry: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of
course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison?
You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?
Prisoner 1: I am.
Jerry: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
Prisoner 2: Murder one.
Jerry: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about
you, what are you in for?
Prisoner 3: Grand theft auto.
Jerry: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.
Prisoner 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.
Jerry: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.
Guard: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
Jerry: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, that’s it. Have at it, hoss.
Last edited by a moderator:
Wow - that's news to me. What could he have going against him that would take him completely off someone's draft board? I don't see any injury or character flags on him...
