how to help a grieving friend (1 Viewer)

[BobbyLayne]

As the title says. Interested in your suggestions, ideas, advice.

Sat with my friend Rafael for an hour this morning. Virtually...on Zoom. Mostly just listened.

His 22 year old grandson was murdered (gunshots) in Brooklyn. Gang related. Raf is a good Christian man and he’s pretty down on himself. Thinks he should have done more; the boy lived with him. He spoke at the wake and the funeral. Today was the first time I have talked to him since they buried him Monday.

IDK what to do in the situations. Ever. Mostly just try to listen and be there.

 

[ChiefD]

Mostly just try to listen and be there.

This. 

Prayers heading your way for your friend. 

 

[mr. furley]

As the title says. Interested in your suggestions, ideas, advice.

Sat with my friend Rafael for an hour this morning. Virtually...on Zoom. Mostly just listened.

His 22 year old grandson was murdered (gunshots) in Brooklyn. Gang related. Raf is a good Christian man and he’s pretty down on himself. Thinks he should have done more; the boy lived with him. He spoke at the wake and the funeral. Today was the first time I have talked to him since they buried him Monday.

IDK what to do in the situations. Ever. Mostly just try to listen and be there.

sorry to hear the news :(

just listen. don't push. don't prod. just check in and listen. 

 

[gianmarco]

As the title says. Interested in your suggestions, ideas, advice.

Sat with my friend Rafael for an hour this morning. Virtually...on Zoom. Mostly just listened.

His 22 year old grandson was murdered (gunshots) in Brooklyn. Gang related. Raf is a good Christian man and he’s pretty down on himself. Thinks he should have done more; the boy lived with him. He spoke at the wake and the funeral. Today was the first time I have talked to him since they buried him Monday.

IDK what to do in the situations. Ever. Mostly just try to listen and be there.

Very sorry to hear.  I don't think there's anything you can do other than listen and be there for him.  If your relationship allows, encourage counseling. 

 

[cheeseypoof]

Different circumstances but as a widow I’d say just be there for your friend.

Be available to listen.

Check in on them and inquire if they need anything.
Try and get them talking, about anything not related to the situation, in order to distract them from their loss.

Play it be ear but don’t be afraid of broaching the subject of the loss.  They may want to be able to talk about it with somebody.  If they don’t, they will let you know.

Id also avoid saying that you know how they feel.  You don’t, unless you’ve experienced a very similar loss.

Just my perspective all of the above helped me.  There is nothing really you can say or do to eliminate the hurt they are feeling, but every little act of kindness, no matter how small it may seem, ultimately helps them get through the grieving process.  You know them, so let that guide you on what you can and cannot do or say.

 

[jvdesigns2002]

Just support,  offer him your time and your ears if he needs somebody to listen to him or if he gets down on himself.   Maybe doordash him a meal if you wanted to do something nice.  When people go through something traumatic--often times they don't think about things like cooking or groceries.  Sometimes a small and unexpected act of kindness is enough to make somebody smile during rough times. 

 

[bigbottom]

As the title says. Interested in your suggestions, ideas, advice.

Sat with my friend Rafael for an hour this morning. Virtually...on Zoom. Mostly just listened.

His 22 year old grandson was murdered (gunshots) in Brooklyn. Gang related. Raf is a good Christian man and he’s pretty down on himself. Thinks he should have done more; the boy lived with him. He spoke at the wake and the funeral. Today was the first time I have talked to him since they buried him Monday.

IDK what to do in the situations. Ever. Mostly just try to listen and be there.

Did you know his grandson?

 

[Clown Car]

I’m so sorry. Just keep checking in on him every few days. Can you go see him?

 

[BobbyLayne]

Did you know his grandson?

not close, he was around sometimes when I would visit

my friend is a about 12 years older than me, and someone I admire greatly - we have shared a lot of personal stories

veterans helping veterans - hard to explain to outsiders, but it's special bond

 

[bigbottom]

not close, he was around sometimes when I would visit

my friend is a about 12 years older than me, and someone I admire greatly - we have shared a lot of personal stories

veterans helping veterans - hard to explain to outsiders, but it's special bond

Well, everyone deals with grief differently. But for me, with a child passing (and 22 is really still a kid to me), I welcomed receiving messages from people about my son. Their favorite memory, how he impacted them, etc.  It was often difficult to have a conversation about it, but reading messages was hugely impactful. The thought that a child (or young adult) was robbed of a future, of his potential, is heartbreaking. So hearing stories that his short life still mattered can be healing. 

But like I said, everyone is different. And you know your friend better than we do. Just follow your gut and you’ll be fine. The only thing I’d say you can’t do is pull away from your friend because you feel awkward and don’t know what to say. That happened with a few of my acquaintances and that just compounded the loss. Best of luck to you. You sound like a really good friend. 

 

[BobbyLayne]

I’m so sorry. Just keep checking in on him every few days. Can you go see him?

Yeah going out there Friday with a couple other Vets to visit him and his wife. He’s 71. I just feel so bad he’s going through this.

Rafael is a very open and expressive person in the right circumstance. He wanted to talk it out a bit today. We’re brothers in the same faith so that’s another bond.

Anyway...appreciate each person who took the time to contribute here. It never gets easier, eh.

 

[BobbyLayne]

Well, everyone deals with grief differently. But for me, with a child passing (and 22 is really still a kid to me), I welcomed receiving messages from people about my son. Their favorite memory, how he impacted them, etc.  It was often difficult to have a conversation about it, but reading messages was hugely impactful. The thought that a child (or young adult) was robbed of a future, of his potential, is heartbreaking. So hearing stories that his short life still mattered can be healing. 

But like I said, everyone is different. And you know your friend better than we do. Just follow your gut and you’ll be fine. The only thing I’d say you can’t do is pull away from your friend because you feel awkward and don’t know what to say. That happened with a few of my acquaintances and that just compounded the loss. Best of luck to you. You sound like a really good friend. 

Thanks, Big.

I’m sure you are always thinking of Chase and admire the good you do in his honor. Cannot imagine how hard that was for you and your wife.

I have a little experience helping families navigate long term illness. Accidental death, murder, anytime someone goes quickly...whew. That’s a different kind of blow. Not easier or harder, just...the dynamic is different. You don’t have the opportunity to let go over time. The trauma of the thunderbolt is just...overwhelming.

Amen on the not pulling away thing. Veterans have a mantra: You Never Walk Alone. When one of us is hurting, we all hurt. We honestly don’t make it easy to isolate or turtle up. We understand it’s important to talk or out.

 

[bigbottom]

Thanks, Big.

I’m sure you are always thinking of Chase and admire the good you do in his honor. Cannot imagine how hard that was for you and your wife.

I have a little experience helping families navigate long term illness. Accidental death, murder, anytime someone goes quickly...whew. That’s a different kind of blow. Not easier or harder, just...the dynamic is different. You don’t have the opportunity to let go over time. The trauma of the thunderbolt is just...overwhelming.

Amen on the not pulling away thing. Veterans have a mantra: You Never Walk Alone. When one of us is hurting, we all hurt. We honestly don’t make it easy to isolate or turtle up. We understand it’s important to talk or out.

I admire your commitment to your friend, and to fellow vets. And I agree with your point about sudden death having a different impact on a grieving family member. It sounds to me like you’re really dialed in to the situation with your friend. I have no doubt that you’ll be the friend that he needs. 

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

We’re brothers in the same faith so that’s another bond.

May I ask which faith?  Depending on what it is, I might have a suggestion.

It's wonderful to have someone to talk to for the long haul.

 

[BobbyLayne]

May I ask which faith?  Depending on what it is, I might have a suggestion.

It's wonderful to have someone to talk to for the long haul.

we are both pentecostal followers of Jesus 

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

we are both pentecostal followers of Jesus 

Glad I asked.  What I had in mind probably isn't going to help.

I suspect at some point, he will just want to hang out and watch a movie/sport or whatever.  When you don't have to talk to the person who's keeping you company, that can be very comforting.

 

[BobbyLayne]

Glad I asked.  What I had in mind probably isn't going to help.

I suspect at some point, he will just want to hang out and watch a movie/sport or whatever.  When you don't have to talk to the person who's keeping you company, that can be very comforting.

I appreciate your perspective, thanks.

Going for a run this morning with Rafael & a couple other Veterans.

 

[Keerock]

Well, everyone deals with grief differently. But for me, with a child passing (and 22 is really still a kid to me), I welcomed receiving messages from people about my son. Their favorite memory, how he impacted them, etc.  It was often difficult to have a conversation about it, but reading messages was hugely impactful. The thought that a child (or young adult) was robbed of a future, of his potential, is heartbreaking. So hearing stories that his short life still mattered can be healing. 

But like I said, everyone is different. And you know your friend better than we do. Just follow your gut and you’ll be fine. The only thing I’d say you can’t do is pull away from your friend because you feel awkward and don’t know what to say. That happened with a few of my acquaintances and that just compounded the loss. Best of luck to you. You sound like a really good friend. 

I couldn't agree with this more.  Just remember that, as GBBB said, everyone is different.  Since you guys are close, don't be afraid to "say or do the wrong thing".  Just be genuine, and continue to offer your support.  And while material support is nice (bring a meal, a beer, take him out for lunch, etc), I have experienced that the moral support is more helpful.  Don't be afraid to ask about his grandson, share stories, shed a tear... but don't avoid him or the situation.