Is there A FBGs taking care of parent(s) thread? (1 Viewer)

[Lutherman2112]

I tried to search. The search function seems better, but maybe I'm just horrible at it. If someone can point me to that thread, I'll hide this one.

My mother passed away at the end of November 2018 after a decade of dealing with early onset dementia. She had worked in a hospital as a Chaplain, and benefited from many doctors helping her. She spent 33 months in memory care before succumbing to SARS.

Dad was always there for her. Visiting every day. Then in October, I noticed he was losing weight. His fridge was near empty, his trash was filled with huge soft drink cups from Speedway and 7-11. I started cooking for him 3 days a week, my brothers brought food by and such. In November, he caught a respiratory infection and on one evening he locked himself out of the house. He thought he could make it to my brothers a half a mile away, but he got lost. A jogger called an ambulance that took him to the ER, and eventually I was contacted and took him home. Two weeks later Mom died.

After he was locked out of the house I started looking for rentals closer to him. The day my mother was placed in hospice care, I realized I should just move in with him.

I could go further, but I'll wait to see if there is another thread.

Bottom line...I'm glad to be hear helping my father, but it can get quite lonely...I needed help understanding his insurance/medicare...parents did a great job planning their final wishes. I think we could all help each other with info in a thread about taking care of our parents.

 

[rockaction]

There is another thread, but it didn't get very far. I know of two FBGs that are sort of tasked with taking care of their parents. Perhaps they'll see this and chime in when they have the time. Best of luck to you and your father, Luther.  

 

[The Dreaded Marco]

I have lived a similar experience.  My mom died of small vessel dementia in April 2018 after a slow, dwindling over a few years.  ####### painful.

Sorry to hear you're going through such an awful time. 

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

If your dad and or mom was a vet you can get him aid and assistance benefits through the VA up to $1900. Also health benefits 

Been through all this with both my mom and dad and getting that free monthly stipend really helps defray living expenses big time 

 

[cosjobs]

I had started a thread quite a while back, but this one is probably good as things change and new perspectives learned. 

How are his finances and insurance. We struggled to keep our parents at home until well into their nineties. We ended up getting them in a  congregate living situation that worked well, but are now in assisted living and probably need to go to memory care sooner rather than alter. 

I want to know more of your situation before recommending too much, but I will say that moving them into the congregate living was a really good move. They received more attention and had more to do than living with us. If you are lonely, he's probably moreso, since he can't get up and leave and go do something whenever he wants. We thought we were doing the best for them keeping them with us. But upon reflection, them moving along was better for all of us.

 

[cosjobs]

If your dad and or mom was a vet you can get him aid and assistance benefits through the VA up to $1900. Also health benefits 

Been through all this with both my mom and dad and getting that free monthly stipend really helps defray living expenses big time 

Its not easy. We applied in March 2018 and we are still waiting. Its been long, arduous and frustrating, but if we can ever get it, it will be retroactive to the application. We finally found a state veterans organization that is helping us now, so I am hopeful we can get it done. We have been subsidizing them since they went to assisted living and its starting to take a heavy toll. 

Qualifying is not that hard- he had to have served during a conflict, not had a dishonorable discharge and have medical expenses that exceed his monthly income (and not have much in the bank or in assets). 

 

[wikkidpissah]

how old is your dad? it matters, even w dementia involved. 80s got stuff that 70s dont and 90 is a whole nuther species (mine are 94 & 95). there are ages where one should let them have the most possible autonomy and ages where that can be ruinous.

widowerhood is probably a more important factor for your father than capacity at this point. his behavior in your mother's last months indicate that. do what you can (short of picking a fight) to encourage any kind of contact. if he'll join a community of some kind, whether socially or physically, that's optimum. but a lot of folks arent built that way. but, if he socializes in senior orgs, he'll be a lot more amenable to going to managed care if/when it becomes necessary.

if you're living with him, take care of yourself and know your temper. even if you're their entire lifeline, they will push your buttons and they know where most of em are at because they installed them. i am a well-centered person, but i have Ativans to take if i know that days/events are more likely to get my goat than others. learn how to tell by asking, suggesting and, generally, anything but lecturing, telling them you read in a magazine the benefits of doing what you want them to do is a biggie 'round here. if you ask any human who they least want to be told to do something by, most will say their kids, even if those kids are retired themselves, like i.

good luck, never make promises and, even though it's never as noble & heroic as you think it should be, it's the best thing you can do. we're here -

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

Its not easy. We applied in March 2018 and we are still waiting. Its been long, arduous and frustrating, but if we can ever get it, it will be retroactive to the application. We finally found a state veterans organization that is helping us now, so I am hopeful we can get it done. We have been subsidizing them since they went to assisted living and its starting to take a heavy toll. 

Qualifying is not that hard- he had to have served during a conflict, not had a dishonorable discharge and have medical expenses that exceed his monthly income (and not have much in the bank or in assets). 

Wow only took 6 months for both my mom and dad. I hooked up with my local county va service Coordinator who did all the work for me essentially.  This is key.

Every case is different though. 

One if the best things available to help my folks financially. 

 

[cosjobs]

Wow only took 6 months for both my mom and dad. I hooked up with my local county va service Coordinator who did all the work for me essentially.  This is key.

Every case is different though. 

One if the best things available to help my folks financially. 

Yes, getting help is necessary. The forms are unbelievable. We did not know where to go for help- its not provided by VA they told me when I asked. Sent me to the county VA. We waited weeks for an appointment and when we went, we were told his annual income was too high for them to help. Never mind that his monthly medical bills are $2000 more than his monthly income. We also came across a lot of questionable organizations on the internets that were fee-based, for profits. I was unwilling to pay the $1000 fee to start, plus a chunk of the proceeds. Finally we found *(after a year of trying to do it ourselves) out about the state VA org and they have been very helpful. They think we should get it within four months. hooray? Ugh.

 

[cosjobs]

take care of yourself 

This is really important. My parents are 95 and 93. They've been essentially in my care since their late 80s. First several years, not so bad, but as dementia and physical maladies increased it became more and more emotionally demanding. Between that and my sisters death, i was really getting letting my health get out of hand. I saw my doc this week and she got in my ### (and not just the prostrate check). She knows my  situation and asked me who was going to take care of them if I died. Ugh. She doubled my anti-depressant, re-upped my xanax and scheduled me to get a coronary calcium scan and come back in a month. Good news was my A1C was almost back to normal. Thing is, she struck a chord t with me and I been living a much healthier life since the visit. Three days ago.

different subject - Very important. Make sure you have a Power of Attorney and Medical Power of  Attorney while you can still get it notarized.

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

Yes, getting help is necessary. The forms are unbelievable. We did not know where to go for help- its not provided by VA they told me when I asked. Sent me to the county VA. We waited weeks for an appointment and when we went, we were told his annual income was too high for them to help. Never mind that his monthly medical bills are $2000 more than his monthly income. We also came across a lot of questionable organizations on the internets that were fee-based, for profits. I was unwilling to pay the $1000 fee to start, plus a chunk of the proceeds. Finally we found *(after a year of trying to do it ourselves) out about the state VA org and they have been very helpful. They think we should get it within four months. hooray? Ugh.

Glad you found the right person to help. 

 

[Galileo]

If your dad and or mom was a vet you can get him aid and assistance benefits through the VA up to $1900. Also health benefits 

Been through all this with both my mom and dad and getting that free monthly stipend really helps defray living expenses big time 

Actually, this can be higher, but it is a hell of a process to go through.  I am currently 8+ months post application and still do not have the benefit secured.  I just submitted more paperwork document where the expenses will be going at the end of last week.  This is a ridiculously slow and cumbersome process.  I figure many people give up or pass away before they ever actually benefit.

My father is 88 yrs old with dementia.  Mom is the principal caregiver, but she is 82 and is having some issues herself.  She spent 5 days in the hospital this summer and had a few stents put in.  Although she lives with and cares for dad in their own home, she is continuously stressed and frustrated.  We are trying to give her more and more support.  Even without the Aid and Attendance benefit, the VA is willing to provide other services which we are starting to take advantage of...Adult day care, in home help, home safety modifications...  We had to play some shell games with finances, but dad should also be eligible for medicaid services beginning real soon as well, many of them similar to the VA.

Aside from parents, I just had a funeral today for my uncle.  My father was his nearest living kin.  He never married and had no children, so my sisters and I have been trying to manage his situation as well as he had been in the hospital for a couple weeks.  Unfortunately, he has left us with a train wreck of an "estate" to deal with and no will.

 

[Galileo]

Its not easy. We applied in March 2018 and we are still waiting. Its been long, arduous and frustrating, but if we can ever get it, it will be retroactive to the application. We finally found a state veterans organization that is helping us now, so I am hopeful we can get it done. We have been subsidizing them since they went to assisted living and its starting to take a heavy toll. 

Qualifying is not that hard- he had to have served during a conflict, not had a dishonorable discharge and have medical expenses that exceed his monthly income (and not have much in the bank or in assets). 

Wow, I thought my situation was bad...October 2018 here and still waiting

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

Wow, I thought my situation was bad...October 2018 here and still waiting

Sorry to hear it’s been so bad. We applied in January of 2019 and got the first check in June. Just got the backpay August 1.

I have heard horror stories for sure, even the payment option, but our process was fairly smooth. The VA guy did 90% of the work and thank goodness because it is a very complex process to attempt alone.

 

[Galileo]

Sorry to hear it’s been so bad. We applied in January of 2019 and got the first check in June. Just got the backpay August 1.

I have heard horror stories for sure, even the payment option, but our process was fairly smooth. The VA guy did 90% of the work and thank goodness because it is a very complex process to attempt alone.

I worked with an attorney who guided us with the Medicaid application at the same time.  My dad’s situation was very complex as he totally F’d up his financial life before the dementia hit.  The attorney said this was the most complex application she had ever done.

 

[Lutherman2112]

I have lived a similar experience.  My mom died of small vessel dementia in April 2018 after a slow, dwindling over a few years.  ####### painful.

Sorry to hear you're going through such an awful time. 

Thanks for understanding.

Honestly, when hospice occurred all my siblings we there. Mom was in hospice for 9 days. All her grandchildren said their goodbyes before she died.

thanks again, it can get lonely

 

[Lutherman2112]

If your dad and or mom was a vet you can get him aid and assistance benefits through the VA up to $1900. Also health benefits 

Been through all this with both my mom and dad and getting that free monthly stipend really helps defray living expenses big time 

Thanks for the advice. Dad was ROTC at Pitt, served his obligation, had a great job as chemical engineer with GE.

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

Thanks for the advice. Dad was ROTC at Pitt, served his obligation, had a great job as chemical engineer with GE.

If you need any help maybe I can be of assistance to get you to the right person

 

[Chemical X]

i can’t offer you anything than to know some of us have been there before and you can get thru it.  lots of patience and deep breaths.  i tried to help my mom, who lived in florida, by sending her microwaveable meals.  i got her a cleaning person once every 2 weeks.  there are services that offer rides for free or discounted.  if you work, you’d be surprised, you might have coverage for elder care or resources that answer questions and assist with insurance info, etc.  besides final wishes, how about do not resuscitate wishes that is executed?  do you have a power of attorney?  have you moved money around?  if your dad has money and passes, you may not be able to access.  are bills on auto pay?  

 

[Angry Beavers]

My law firm focuses on asset protection and elder law. I would be happy to answer general questions thru PM if that helps anyone. I am only licensed in OH so I am not a lot of help to ya'll in Texas and West Virginia, but if you have any general type question or would like to be pointed in the right direction, I am happy to help. 

 I will add this, as others have mentioned, if your parents don't have basic documents such as a Living Will, Health Care POA, Financial POA and a Last Will and Testament, that is where to start while they are cognitive enough to understand what they are doing. 

 

[Lutherman2112]

how old is your dad? it matters, even w dementia involved. 80s got stuff that 70s dont and 90 is a whole nuther species (mine are 94 & 95). there are ages where one should let them have the most possible autonomy and ages where that can be ruinous.

widowerhood is probably a more important factor for your father than capacity at this point. his behavior in your mother's last months indicate that. do what you can (short of picking a fight) to encourage any kind of contact. if he'll join a community of some kind, whether socially or physically, that's optimum. but a lot of folks arent built that way. but, if he socializes in senior orgs, he'll be a lot more amenable to going to managed care if/when it becomes necessary.

if you're living with him, take care of yourself and know your temper. even if you're their entire lifeline, they will push your buttons and they know where most of em are at because they installed them. i am a well-centered person, but i have Ativans to take if i know that days/events are more likely to get my goat than others. learn how to tell by asking, suggesting and, generally, anything but lecturing, telling them you read in a magazine the benefits of doing what you want them to do is a biggie 'round here. if you ask any human who they least want to be told to do something by, most will say their kids, even if those kids are retired themselves, like i.

good luck, never make promises and, even though it's never as noble & heroic as you think it should be, it's the best thing you can do. we're here -

Dad is 82. He has two degrees: Chemical and Process Engineering. He can remember a lot, read articles and books. He has lost the ability to transcribe numbers...I have to "dial" his numbers when he wants to make a call.

Widowhood kills him. He talks to mom in our living room; her wedding photo is prominent in the room.

My oldest brother has been a huge help. He made arrangements with my local Senior Citizens group, and we are paying for a guy to come in MWF for 4 hours. This will come in handy when I work this fall.

Dad jokes that the guy coming in is his "baby sitter".

Things are really going well, except for me having a life. I really wanted to catch a friend's gig  Saturday, but stayed home.

 

[Lutherman2112]

If you need any help maybe I can be of assistance to get you to the right person

Thanks, I appreciate your offer. I got dad's things nailed down with local lawyers/investment advisers.

Im really lucky. Mom and Dad planned well

 

[cosjobs]

If you need any help maybe I can be of assistance to get you to the right person

And I can advise you on some dead ends

 

[cosjobs]

Thanks, I appreciate your offer. I got dad's things nailed down with local lawyers/investment advisers.

Im really lucky. Mom and Dad planned well

That's fantastic. Taking out any monetary stress will be very helpful. Have you taken him to lunch at any of the senior living options near you? 

 

[Lutherman2112]

My law firm focuses on asset protection and elder law. I would be happy to answer general questions thru PM if that helps anyone. I am only licensed in OH so I am not a lot of help to ya'll in Texas and West Virginia, but if you have any general type question or would like to be pointed in the right direction, I am happy to help. 

 I will add this, as others have mentioned, if your parents don't have basic documents such as a Living Will, Health Care POA, Financial POA and a Last Will and Testament, that is where to start while they are cognitive enough to understand what they are doing. 

OMG...my dad hit up an elder care lawyer just as my mom went into memory care.

After dealing with my parents elder care lawyers, I learned so much. Totally protected property, income, etc.

God bless righteous elder law practitioners.

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

Thanks, I appreciate your offer. I got dad's things nailed down with local lawyers/investment advisers.

Im really lucky. Mom and Dad planned well

Great! Good Luck

 

[BroncoFreak_2K3]

And I can advise you on some dead ends

Sounds like it GB. Good luck

 

[Galileo]

My law firm focuses on asset protection and elder law. I would be happy to answer general questions thru PM if that helps anyone. I am only licensed in OH so I am not a lot of help to ya'll in Texas and West Virginia, but if you have any general type question or would like to be pointed in the right direction, I am happy to help. 

 I will add this, as others have mentioned, if your parents don't have basic documents such as a Living Will, Health Care POA, Financial POA and a Last Will and Testament, that is where to start while they are cognitive enough to understand what they are doing. 

PM sent (I know I am not the OP, but heck, why not...)

 

[Galileo]

OMG...my dad hit up an elder care lawyer just as my mom went into memory care.

After dealing with my parents elder care lawyers, I learned so much. Totally protected property, income, etc.

God bless righteous elder law practitioners.

I don't know how I would have navigated all these waters without an elder law attorney's guidance, but damn I paid a premium for the service. 

 

[Terminalxylem]

i can’t offer you anything than to know some of us have been there before and you can get thru it.  lots of patience and deep breaths.  i tried to help my mom, who lived in florida, by sending her microwaveable meals.  i got her a cleaning person once every 2 weeks.  there are services that offer rides for free or discounted.  if you work, you’d be surprised, you might have coverage for elder care or resources that answer questions and assist with insurance info, etc.  besides final wishes, how about do not resuscitate wishes that is executed?  do you have a power of attorney?  have you moved money around?  if your dad has money and passes, you may not be able to access.  are bills on auto pay?  

Best to discuss this ASAP, while he can still clarify his wishes and isn't acutely ill. Make sure all the family understands his directive before tough decisions arrive. And get something that is medically relevant, not something like "if I have a terminal condition with no meaningful hope of recovery, or am in a vegetative state, do not prolong my life by artificial means..." While almost universally accepted by patients, that verbiage is too vague and doesn't reflect the reality of medical care. Documents like a POLST are better.

 

[Nick Vermeil]

Dot

 

[Lutherman2112]

I had started a thread quite a while back, but this one is probably good as things change and new perspectives learned. 

How are his finances and insurance. We struggled to keep our parents at home until well into their nineties. We ended up getting them in a  congregate living situation that worked well, but are now in assisted living and probably need to go to memory care sooner rather than alter. 

I want to know more of your situation before recommending too much, but I will say that moving them into the congregate living was a really good move. They received more attention and had more to do than living with us. If you are lonely, he's probably moreso, since he can't get up and leave and go do something whenever he wants. We thought we were doing the best for them keeping them with us. But upon reflection, them moving along was better for all of us.

House is paid for. He has a pension (monthly check). $200K portfolio (stocks, bonds, utilities), $90K cash (checking, savings, CDs).  He has good health plan (C) to go with Medicare.

Dad's health is great, for an 82 year old that has had 2 heart attacks, 2 angioplasties, quadruple by-pass. and 4 stints. I took him to a follow up for the chest cold in December, and we did a 6 month check up in July. Everything was better; weight, sugar, etc...best lipid panel in two years. He wakes himself, takes care of the 3 S's, dresses and comes downstairs. He can tell you what month it is, but not the date or the day of the week. He will forget to take his meds every time (after waking, before bed). He has trouble transposing numbers, which is why his checking account was kinda screwed up. He is a voracious reader, loves movies, and a good joke. My brother and neice take him to church every Sunday and have brunch afterward. 8 of 12 grandchildren live locally and always pop by. Dad gets a lot of dinner invites from friends a church.

Dad, at this time, is not high maintenance. I'm up at 630 AM to make sure his isn't up and eating. He has to take thyroids meds first, then eat an hour later. With Dad, you don't ask him if he wants something to eat, you fix it and tell him its ready. He grazes during the day...I leave fruit on the kitchen island and some good snacks, but the man can destroy a box of Cheezits in no time. I fix dinner 4-5 times a week...with a leftover night and an order out night which is usually spaghetti from a cheap place that has sauce like his mom's.

I'm a teacher that works a year to year contract, so I have much more flexibility in my schedule. Last Fall I worked about 35-40 hours/wk between substitute teaching and working out of school environment. After Christmas break, I cut my hours back to 20wk. It worked well.  

In June I started working with two 17 year old adult ed students in a foster shelter, preparing them for high school equivalency. I work MWF 10-2. Out of nowhere, a social worker calls my brother saying, "We were contacted last fall about the possibilities of some inside help for your father?" My brothers were looking for help for Dad before he locked himself out the house. So we now pay for a guy from our county Senior Citizens non profit to spend time with Dad MWF 10:30-2:30. Dad seems to like the guy, but refers to him as his babysitter at times.

The plan (agreed to among siblings and Dad) is to keep him in the house as long as "possible".  My brother that received the call from the social worker is the point man for locating residential care when the time comes. Two places have us a reserve/waiting list.

 

[Lutherman2112]

Let me re

Things are really going well, except for me having a life. I really wanted to catch a friend's gig  Saturday, but stayed home.

Let me rephrase this...I didn't feel like going out into a loud, crammed bar and taking Uber out and Uber in. Fell asleep around 10 watching TV. lol

 

[cosjobs]

I'm sorry, but what is the problem? Seems like with the support system you have in place, you should be going out whenever you want/need.

And at your father's age, +he would probably thrive in a congregate living and make some new friends that will help him socially. Social interaction is huge thing in continued health. With you and you family, he would probably get more guests/visits than he needs. There is a very solid chance he will like it better. I incorrectly assumed I would provide a happier place for my parents about five years longer than I should have. We were both just doing what we thought was the right/best thing. We were mistaken.

 

[wikkidpissah]

Sounds like you're doing pretty damn good, except possibly for socializing your father and yourself.

It's likely that, if your dad felt more useful or connected, he would use his synapses more purposefully. Is there a senior center or a meals-on-wheels dining room in your area? can your dad's "babysitter" take him out into social settings or to visit old friends?

I got used to never leaving the house. Havent left except for errands without being tapped out by my sister (who lives in the next state) since Christmas. But i make sure to get tapped out 2-3 times a year & have a good ol time when i do.

 

[notoriousbill]

When my dad died 4 years ago, we (wife and I) made the decision to move my mom in with us.  Lost my mancave but saw no other real alternatives other than putting her in an "old folks home".  She was 84 when she moved in and I can really tell a difference between then and now.  I think, overall, it has been positive as she gets to interact more with my kids and in-laws as we host Sunday dinners for the entire family to join.  

As far as medicare/insurance, I just got her a prescription package on an HSA type program through Humana to supplement the Medicare.  I have the POA in place as well.  

I am sure within the next few years, I will have to look for a place to place her if her memory starts going, etc.  

It is almost like having a teenager without the antics int he house.  She will push my buttons daily and expects instant resolution to any inor issue that arises.  She still drives so insurance for her is also kind of expensive at her age.

Hope this helps.

 

[DallasDMac]

Timely thread. FIL just had the 2nd fall within 5 days requiring a 9-1-1 call. My BIL was there but simply couldn't lift him on is own. He has been on his own since his wife passed a year ago but recently, an MRI revealed he has water on the brain. It isn't a rare ailment, but not really treatable at his age (86). Symptoms will progress and are very akin to Dementia and Almhiezers. We installed cameras throughout the house so we can watch when we can't be there. I witnessed him sleep 17 hours out of an 18 hour period today. Needless to say, that meant he wasn't eating or drinking anything, which leads to loss of mental acuity, strength, etc. and hence the falling. EMS got him up and IV'd him with a bag of saline which helped. But EMS even recommended we take him back to the doctor and get orders for either full time in-home care or assisted living for insurance purposes. Fortunately he is in good shape financially. $3400 a month in pensions, nearly $300k in cash. So he'll be able to cover the care. But tonight drove it home that we really need to start touring facilities.

 

[whoknew]

House is paid for. He has a pension (monthly check). $200K portfolio (stocks, bonds, utilities), $90K cash (checking, savings, CDs).  He has good health plan (C) to go with Medicare.

Dad's health is great, for an 82 year old that has had 2 heart attacks, 2 angioplasties, quadruple by-pass. and 4 stints. I took him to a follow up for the chest cold in December, and we did a 6 month check up in July. Everything was better; weight, sugar, etc...best lipid panel in two years. He wakes himself, takes care of the 3 S's, dresses and comes downstairs. He can tell you what month it is, but not the date or the day of the week. He will forget to take his meds every time (after waking, before bed). He has trouble transposing numbers, which is why his checking account was kinda screwed up. He is a voracious reader, loves movies, and a good joke. My brother and neice take him to church every Sunday and have brunch afterward. 8 of 12 grandchildren live locally and always pop by. Dad gets a lot of dinner invites from friends a church.

Dad, at this time, is not high maintenance. I'm up at 630 AM to make sure his isn't up and eating. He has to take thyroids meds first, then eat an hour later. With Dad, you don't ask him if he wants something to eat, you fix it and tell him its ready. He grazes during the day...I leave fruit on the kitchen island and some good snacks, but the man can destroy a box of Cheezits in no time. I fix dinner 4-5 times a week...with a leftover night and an order out night which is usually spaghetti from a cheap place that has sauce like his mom's.

I'm a teacher that works a year to year contract, so I have much more flexibility in my schedule. Last Fall I worked about 35-40 hours/wk between substitute teaching and working out of school environment. After Christmas break, I cut my hours back to 20wk. It worked well.  

In June I started working with two 17 year old adult ed students in a foster shelter, preparing them for high school equivalency. I work MWF 10-2. Out of nowhere, a social worker calls my brother saying, "We were contacted last fall about the possibilities of some inside help for your father?" My brothers were looking for help for Dad before he locked himself out the house. So we now pay for a guy from our county Senior Citizens non profit to spend time with Dad MWF 10:30-2:30. Dad seems to like the guy, but refers to him as his babysitter at times.

The plan (agreed to among siblings and Dad) is to keep him in the house as long as "possible".  My brother that received the call from the social worker is the point man for locating residential care when the time comes. Two places have us a reserve/waiting list.

Why do you want to keep him in the house as long as possible?

My dad lives in an independent living center and loves it. Though he's likely going to have to move to assisted living soon.

Its very expensive, but you said your Dad has a pension?

 

[worrierking]

if you're living with him, take care of yourself and know your temper. even if you're their entire lifeline, they will push your buttons and they know where most of em are at because they installed them. I

This is great advice, Pissah!

I was responsible for my Dad's care for two years after mom died.  It was a very trying experience, which took a large emotional toll on me and my wife.  I ended up in therapy due to the strain.  

Here's my advice: there aren't always good answers to problems. Often times you are just choosing the lesser of two bad choices.  Let him win some small arguments that really don't matter and hold tight on the big picture stuff.  

GL

 

[roadkill1292]

We got the final wake up call last week when my 90-year-old father was hospitalized for heatstroke, brought on by his strengthening dementia and unwillingness to accept his growing frailty. My mother is a year younger with mobility and memory issues of her own but they're determined to continue to live independently until it's no longer even a little bit feasible. Their monthly incomes and expenses are both modest and the cash reserves would dissipate rapidly in the event of them requiring assisted living.

What we've done:

1. Launched the investigation into adult day care for my dad

3. Gotten a medical alert bracelet for my mom

4. Ordered "granny cams" for the house so a whole bunch of us can keep a remote eye on (all of us but one live at least two hours away) and talk to mom via the cams' intercoms during the day

5. Hired an evening in-home care giver to get them through the nightly routines -- dinner, meds, showers

6. Set up the first appointment with VA (dad's a Korea vet)

I don't want to retire until March so I hope this gets us to that point in time.

 

[Lutherman2112]

Why do you want to keep him in the house as long as possible?

My dad lives in an independent living center and loves it. Though he's likely going to have to move to assisted living soon.

Its very expensive, but you said your Dad has a pension?

Staying home is Dad's choice. He helped in our search for a place for Mom, and he wasn't impressed. We finally chose a place in OH because it ha d the best memory care facilities and very private hospice care facilities.

We live in a town with ~10,700 people and 4600 households. The "metro area" consists of 3 counties (2 WV counties, 1 OH) and it has a population ~ 160,000. The choices for independent living centers are few and far between. 

 

[cosjobs]

We got the final wake up call last week when my 90-year-old father was hospitalized for heatstroke, brought on by his strengthening dementia and unwillingness to accept his growing frailty. My mother is a year younger with mobility and memory issues of her own but they're determined to continue to live independently until it's no longer even a little bit feasible. Their monthly incomes and expenses are both modest and the cash reserves would dissipate rapidly in the event of them requiring assisted living.

 What we've done:

1. Launched the investigation into adult day care for my dad

3. Gotten a medical alert bracelet for my mom

4. Ordered "granny cams" for the house so a whole bunch of us can keep a remote eye on (all of us but one live at least two hours away) and talk to mom via the cams' intercoms during the day

5. Hired an evening in-home care giver to get them through the nightly routines -- dinner, meds, showers

6. Set up the first appointment with VA (dad's a Korea vet)

I don't want to retire until March so I hope this gets us to that point in time.

Good start. When their expense are more than their income, your father will be eligible for an aid and attendance  pension of about $2K. You are allowed to pay yourself for his care, too. I would go ahead and look into that. Use county or state VA orgs to help you.

 

[nirad3]

Man oh man, God bless all of you.  My dad is 82 and mom's going to be 73 here in a month.  Aside from my dad having a "fairly minor" heart valve issue, both are in terrific health.  

I don't know if I could - in my current mental/emotion state - take care of them if they were in failing health.

My mom runs the show and keeps my dad in line.  Heck, if my mom weren't around I think my dad would forget to eat for days.  

That's what scares me, too.  If my mom were to ever get sick or God forbid pass on, I don't know what I'd do with my dad.  

Thoughts go out to all y'all that are dealing with this.

 

[roadkill1292]

Good start. When their expense are more than their income, your father will be eligible for an aid and attendance  pension of about $2K. You are allowed to pay yourself for his care, too. I would go ahead and look into that. Use county or state VA orgs to help you.

Thanks for the info and encouragement. I'm hopeful about VA kicking in before their reserves are exhausted but I don't have a good handle on how that all works. Calculating the right "burn rate" (expenses needed to keep them comfortable minus income) involves a lot of factors you just can't predict. Two grand from VA would help tremendously.

 

[cosjobs]

Thanks for the info and encouragement. I'm hopeful about VA kicking in before their reserves are exhausted but I don't have a good handle on how that all works. Calculating the right "burn rate" (expenses needed to keep them comfortable minus income) involves a lot of factors you just can't predict. Two grand from VA would help tremendously.

It's a difference maker. Don't talk directly to the VA about it. Use a county or state VA agency.