Issue With Daughter's Teacher (1 Viewer)

[MCguidance]

Didn't read the whole thread, but did you consider calling the guidance counselor?

ETA: If there is no counselor, call the teacher directly and speak frankly but politely. Simply ask for more information since you know there is another side to the story.

As a guidance counselor, I'd get information from the teacher and perhaps arrange a meeting.

 

[Das Boot]

It's probably nothing but the fact you aren't summarily dismissing it means you care and are attentive. Nothing wrong with that as a dad.

I'm assuming she only has him less than an hour a day. I would counsel her to minimize her 1-on-1 conversations with him if she's nervous and try to do good work and keep the peace. But make sure she feels comfortable keeping the line of communication open with you.

Interesting that everyone assumes the teacher is male. The teacher is a ~30yo female.

Yes, 7.125 billion people assume the teacher is male.

I actually assumed it was a female...

I was guessing hermaphrodite.

I mean, I knew the odds were against it, but I just had a feeling, you know?

 

[Christo]

It's probably nothing but the fact you aren't summarily dismissing it means you care and are attentive. Nothing wrong with that as a dad.

I'm assuming she only has him less than an hour a day. I would counsel her to minimize her 1-on-1 conversations with him if she's nervous and try to do good work and keep the peace. But make sure she feels comfortable keeping the line of communication open with you.

Interesting that everyone assumes the teacher is male. The teacher is a ~30yo female.

or GTFO

Most reasonable post in the thread.

 

[Rohn Jambo]

Chet, the job of a good parent is to help the kiddies to learn to handle what life throws at them and not for you to catch every pitch.

Your daughter told you the story for the same reason that you opened this thread.

 

[MAC_32]

Just send the teacher a short email with your concern and ask for more information. Three sides to every story and the child's story is usually the most incorrect. I wouldn't bother with escalating it unless it happens at least one more time, probably more.

 

[MCguidance]

What did you decide to do?

 

[mr roboto]

What did you decide to do?

He bought the school and fired the teacher.

 

[PatsWillWin]

Don't you meet with the teachers at conferences? You can't talk to them then?

Yes, of course. Like most schools, the conferences are 10 minute meetings jammed together and I am not sure when the next conferences are.

I am concerned for two basic reasons:

1) her friends have the perception that the teacher hates my daughter which means that there's probably something there; and

2) sarcastically asking a girl with anxiety issues if she's going to cry seems insensitive at best and could be construed as bullying.

Sometimes teachers don't like you. Sometimes people can be #####.

Say that to your daughter except substitute the word "teacher" for "human beings."

I'm sorry your daughter has anxiety (seriously, I am) and things like this may always be rough on her, but she will not have the benefit of being surrounded by pleasant people that like her for the rest of her life. How she deals with that is going to be a big factor in her overall life utility.

ETA: Consider substituting the word ##### as well.

 

[Mario Kart]

Helicopter parenting at its finest.

 

[Beerguzzler]

The play was helping your daughter deal with that type of situation when it happens. Taking care of it doesn't help her or your relationship with her. She needs to learn to stand up for herself in that type of situation. It's all about self esteem at that age. Reinforce her worth when you talk to her.

 

[chet]

What did you decide to do?

He bought the school and fired the teacher.

I did nothing.

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

 

[chet]

The play was helping your daughter deal with that type of situation when it happens. Taking care of it doesn't help her or your relationship with her. She needs to learn to stand up for herself in that type of situation. It's all about self esteem at that age. Reinforce her worth when you talk to her.

Every day I try to help her understand her value but my work is so easily dismantled by comments from some ####### coach.

 

[bigbottom]

What did you decide to do?

He bought the school and fired the teacher.

I did nothing.

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

Dude, I am so sorry to hear that. It just kills me. Is this the first time she's cut herself that you know of? You have her seeing someone if I recall, correct?

 

[Insein]

Just send the teacher a short email with your concern and ask for more information. Three sides to every story and the child's story is usually the most incorrect. I wouldn't bother with escalating it unless it happens at least one more time, probably more. a picture of your junk

Problem solved.

 

[jon_mx]

What did you decide to do?

He bought the school and fired the teacher.

I did nothing.

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

This is serious. She needs some help. Sorry to hear that.

 

[MCguidance]

I'm sure you know this, but you need to get her help. You probably have access to a SAC at her school (Student Assistant Counselor) who can provide some referrals. Cutting is certainly something that needs to be addressed.

 

[johnnycakes]

What did you decide to do?

He bought the school and fired the teacher.

I did nothing.

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

My 13 year-old daughter has been dealing with major self-mutilation issues since her mother's boyfriend broke up with her mother last fall. Ever since then she has been in a locked facility of one sort or another for two weeks at a time. Every few weeks back in for another two. In fact she's at another place right now. I have no idea how this will impact her school. She has missed a lot. I hope you don't have to deal with this same crap.

 

[Johnny Rock]

That's unacceptable coaching behavior. If they're not qualified, they shouldn't be subbing in.

I hope your daughter is ok. Give her some extra love and dad time in addition to the other help. I wish you and your family all the best.

 

[Prince Myshkin]

Cutting has become a huge issue. It makes absolutely no sense to me, but I know for sure that at least 5% of the females at the middle school where I work are cutting. Get some help for sure.

 

[AcerFC]

I hope your daughter can get through this. If she only knew how meaningless this.part of her life is.

Best wishes going out to the chet family as they deal with this issue

 

[Insein]

Yea catching up now, counseling is the immediate answer if she isn't already seeing one. And just be there for her. Don't try to fix her. Just be sure she knows you love her no matter what. Don't just say it, act it.

 

[chet]

Thanks for all of the well wishes--they are appreciated. She is seeing a counselor but part of the problem today was that the counselor just told my daughter on Monday that she's leaving the practice to work at a boy's prison. My daughter really likes her.

 

[mr roboto]

Sorry gb. Sounds like she's really struggling.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

What did you decide to do?

He bought the school and fired the teacher.

I did nothing.

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

Oh come on.

 

[stahbux]

What did you decide to do?

He bought the school and fired the teacher.

I did nothing.

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

Oh come on.

Agreed.

 

[chet]

What did you decide to do?

He bought the school and fired the teacher.

I did nothing.

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

Oh come on.

Why would I make something like this up? WTF is wrong with you?

 

[chet]

Email to principal sent last night:

Tonight XXXXX attended soccer practice and I thought I should make you aware of some very inappropriate comments made by the coach. Unfortunately, I don't know the name of the coach as he was filling in for THE REGULAR COACH and XXXXXX doesn't know his name. She also was adamant that I not talk to the teacher or anyone as she wants this issue to go away. After XXXXXXX made a mistake, he said in French, "that's because you're blond." Later in the practice after XXXXXX mi#### a ball with her head, he said, "great, you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left."

As you know, we have been dealing with some anxiety and other emotional issues with XXXXXX and these misogynistic comments don't help in the least. After she received these comments, XXXXXX went into the bathroom and cut herself. Although the coach's comments were not the sole reason XXXXXX hurt herself today, they did push her over the edge. Obviously, when XXXXXX related the story to me, I was shocked and angered that someone who was entrusted with the care of my daughter could make such hurtful remarks.

As I mentioned above, XXXXXX asked us very strongly to not talk to you or anyone at the school about this matter. However, I felt you would want to know. Unfortunately, I am heading to South America tomorrow afternoon so I won't have time to meet with you prior to my departure but my wife will be here. If you'd like clarification or have questions, please feel free to call me or my wife. My cell: 312-555-1212. My wife's cell: 773-555-1212.

Thank you for your help in this matter,

He just responded that he will find out who was coaching and get back to me today.

 

[AcerFC]

Wow, you and your wife have the same number but different area codes. That.is.awesome

 

[msudaisy26]

I am a teacher and have had this happen to me. What I did is got my old recorder out from college and started recording all my classes.

The next time I got called our I pulled the recording out from that day and let the parent and principal listen. It was also the last time I got called out.

 

[chet]

The principal is going to call me later today to ask how to proceed in a way that's best for my daughter. I am torn about asking him to have the teacher apologize to my daughter because she asked me to not talk to anyone at the school about this. Obviously, we will be talking about how inappropriate those comments were. Any other thoughts?

 

[IvanKaramazov]

The principal is going to call me later today to ask how to proceed in a way that's best for my daughter. I am torn about asking him to have the teacher apologize to my daughter because she asked me to not talk to anyone at the school about this. Obviously, we will be talking about how inappropriate those comments were. Any other thoughts?

Your daughter is cutting herself and you're worried about getting an apology from a backup soccer coach.

 

[chet]

The principal is going to call me later today to ask how to proceed in a way that's best for my daughter. I am torn about asking him to have the teacher apologize to my daughter because she asked me to not talk to anyone at the school about this. Obviously, we will be talking about how inappropriate those comments were. Any other thoughts?

Your daughter is cutting herself and you're worried about getting an apology from a backup soccer coach.

Do you think this is the only thing I am doing to help my daughter?

 

[mr roboto]

The principal is going to call me later today to ask how to proceed in a way that's best for my daughter. I am torn about asking him to have the teacher apologize to my daughter because she asked me to not talk to anyone at the school about this. Obviously, we will be talking about how inappropriate those comments were. Any other thoughts?

Your daughter is cutting herself and you're worried about getting an apology from a backup soccer coach.

Precisely the issue here.

 

[[icon]]

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

What kind of ####### school are your kids going to?!?!

Are you SURE the teachers are really saying this #### and your daughter isn't fabricating it? That's kinda out of line for teachers.

 

[Annyong]

Good luck Chet

 

[chet]

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

What kind of ####### school are your kids going to?!?!

Are you SURE the teachers are really saying this #### and your daughter isn't fabricating it? That's kinda out of line for teachers.

100% sure. No doubt in my mind. She didn't know the teacher--I think he's a HS teacher. She did say that he was saying similar stuff to other girls and that after the second comment, he said something like, "I was joking." Great ####### joke.

 

[shadyridr]

Is it possible the coach doesnt know about your daughter's anxiety issues? Because that just sounds like something coaches say to anyone. Obviously your daughter has issues and I hope she gets the help she needs. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Best of luck.

 

[Annyong]

But tonight, another teacher who was filling in for the soccer coach put my daughter over the edge. After she misplayed a ball, he said, "it's because you're blond." Later in the practice, she made a bad header and he said, "great--you just destroyed the two brain cells you had left." After practice, my daughter cut herself with some scissors. Although his remarks weren't the sole reason she hurt herself, she did say that she wouldn't have done it without his remarks.

What kind of ####### school are your kids going to?!?!

Are you SURE the teachers are really saying this #### and your daughter isn't fabricating it? That's kinda out of line for teachers.

Hard to believe a teacher would say something like that, but it wouldn't surprise me.

 

[AcerFC]

Why was he speaking French

 

[chet]

Why was he speaking French

It's a French school. The HS French teachers who come over directly from France have a reputation for being tougher on the kids but obviously the comments last night were over the top and completely unacceptable.

 

[chet]

Is it possible the coach doesnt know about your daughter's anxiety issues? Because that just sounds like something coaches say to anyone. Obviously your daughter has issues and I hope she gets the help she needs. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Best of luck.

I highly doubt he has any idea about the anxiety issues. She didn't know him other than having seen him around the school.

 

[AcerFC]

Arent the French some of the most sarcastic and obnoxious people

Maybe the school isnt the best fit for her

** I could also be totally making this up as I am not a world traveler and only voted for average intelligence in the poll.

 

[chet]

Arent the French some of the most sarcastic and obnoxious people

Maybe the school isnt the best fit for her

** I could also be totally making this up as I am not a world traveler and only voted for average intelligence in the poll.

Some are and some aren't. Parisians are often set apart from the rest of France and have the reputation for being the worst. I've never had a problem with them but many have.

 

[comfortably numb]

Is it possible the coach doesnt know about your daughter's anxiety issues? Because that just sounds like something coaches say to anyone. Obviously your daughter has issues and I hope she gets the help she needs. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Best of luck.

Yea,

I think this is a daughter issue not a coach/teacher issue.

I played sports my whole life and had much worse said to me, even had teachers say much worse to me and others.

I understand times are changing and words have to be chosen very carefully nowadays but these remarks seem petty/minor

 

[mr roboto]

In case you really are looking for advice here please stop focusing on the teachers. You could spin your wheels for years trying to save your daughter from all this when in the end she doesn't get the help she needs.

I'm sure you are helping her too but throwing teachers under the bus isn't gonna help.

 

[chet]

In case you really are looking for advice here please stop focusing on the teachers. You could spin your wheels for years trying to save your daughter from all this when in the end she doesn't get the help she needs.

I'm sure you are helping her too but throwing teachers under the bus isn't gonna help.

You're right in that she's getting help. It's a work in progress.

I disagree with the teacher though. Getting him to stop making these remarks will help my daughter and others. Potentially having him apologize will reinforce what I've been telling her about not placing too much weight in what people like him say. That will help her learn to not overreact in future situations like this.

 

[mr roboto]

You can't stop everyone from poking fun at or being mean spirited toward your kid though. That's a strategy that literally will fail.

Good luck. I know you love her and are trying. I know it's not an either/or thing. But she gets upset, cuts or cries out, you step in and the bad guy gets in trouble. What does this reinforce? That the bad guy did something wrong, she was valid in reacting strongly. To me that's the wrong pattern to reinforce.

 

[chet]

The principal just called me. He said at least one other parent complained about the comments and a second coach also mentioned it when he asked. He thanked me for bringing it to his attention and told me it absolutely goes against the values of the school and the teachers cannot make comments like that. As I surmised, it's a new teacher direct from France.

 

[James Daulton]

Off topic, but I'm curious, why a French school?

 

[chet]

Off topic, but I'm curious, why a French school?

I speak French and we wanted our kids to be multilingual.