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Let's write a story (1 Viewer)

Maurile Tremblay

Administrator
Staff member
Let's write a story -- collectively. It doesn't have to rhyme. I'll start.

Our story is set in a zoo. It has a hero, of course, as all excellent stories do. But unlike many stories set in zoos, the hero of this story is a human. A talking human. Her name is Suzie, and she is loyal but rebellious; guarded but candid; realistic but impractical. She has curly hair, a forgiving smile, generous dimples, unpretentious freckles, and a number of other traits that don't make a lot of sense when you think about them.

The thing that stood out most about Suzie, however, was ...

 
...dat ###. One could be as crude as a construction worker in description of its delights, but the curve of her lyrical hips shone past the limits of her zookeeper uniform as an epic staement of a woman's difference and certainly did not escape the notice of forlorn cage custodian Elwood Rickenhouser.

 
Elwood Rickenhouser, the cage custodian who was eyeing the foreman position with one eye, for his had been lost in a terrible brick-lowering incident months prior. They'd had a six pack at lunch, all of them, to build worker spirit, but then, upon a necessary lowering of material, there had been a tragic accident involving the sharp smack of weight piling into a gelatinious orifice. He had screamed. Months later, he felt impotent in sight and in performance. His wife, so supportive, had tried to ease his pain, but the large gaping hole where his one good eye had been just sat there, empty, and his other socket with the glass eye could not hide the fact that he was now blind.

 
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Months later while Suzie was cleaning the howler monkey cage, she found her pants had become moist, and it was not because of the humid weather that day. Her thoughts were on Rickenhauser's magnificent gobbler, something this zoo nor any other she had ever worked in, had ever provided her.

 
The monkey cage was quiet. It wasnt the humidity, it was the heat, and Suzie's attractive regions had become nationally hot. The power of primate pheromone was doubly effective on Elwood. Who could blame him for the mistake he was about to make?

 
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Elwood Rickenhouser, the cage custodian who was eyeing the foreman position with one eye, for his had been lost in a terrible brick-lowering incident months prior. They'd had a six pack at lunch, all of them, to build worker spirit, but then, upon a necessary lowering of material, there had been a tragic accident involving the sharp smack of weight piling into a gelatinious orifice. He had screamed. Months later, he felt impotent in sight and in performance. His wife, so supportive, had tried to ease his pain, but the large gaping hole where his one good eye had been just sat there, empty, and his other socket with the glass eye could not hide the fact that he was now blind.
To make sure I follow ... did he lose one eye (and was eyeing the foreman position with the other), or did he lose both eyes, leaving him with one glass marble and one empty socket?

 
His obsession with following Suzie's liquid form throughout the zoo yielded an unexpected benefit for Elwood when, as she bent over to retrieve the gobbler-measuring device she had dropped after a particularly fervent blast of primate pheromone, her uniform shirt lifted just enough from the waistband to reveal a freckle patch on her left hip in the shape of....

 
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Elwood Rickenhouser, the cage custodian who was eyeing the foreman position with one eye, for his had been lost in a terrible brick-lowering incident months prior. They'd had a six pack at lunch, all of them, to build worker spirit, but then, upon a necessary lowering of material, there had been a tragic accident involving the sharp smack of weight piling into a gelatinious orifice. He had screamed. Months later, he felt impotent in sight and in performance. His wife, so supportive, had tried to ease his pain, but the large gaping hole where his one good eye had been just sat there, empty, and his other socket with the glass eye could not hide the fact that he was now blind.
To make sure I follow ... did he lose one eye (and was eyeing the foreman position with the other), or did he lose both eyes, leaving him with one glass marble and one empty socket?
Sorry. I meant that he was looking at the position with his good eye (his other was the glass eye), but then the good eye got smashed out in the lowering of the bricks (hence the empty socket and the glass eye). I think that I could have explained it better.

 
The humans previously kept in the zoo weren't able to speak, so this was the first time Elwood had seen this behavior in person. Elwood, with his long wire-like fur, was instantly amazed by this historic find. He had heard of studies completed at the University that proved a cognitive ability in humans to communicate, but this was something extraordinary. When he got word from the Zoo Director that Suzie had been awarded to the care of this facility, he had doubts that such a creature could exist, and have such intelligence. But now, he...

 
His obsession with following Suzie's liquid form throughout the zoo yielded an unexpected benefit for Elwood when, as she bent over to retrieve the gobbler-measuring device she had dropped after a particularly fervent blast of primate pheromone, her uniform shirt lifted just enough from the waistband to reveal a freckle patch on her left hip in the shape of....
... a medium-sized patch of freckles.

"How odd," the zebra thought. (And if a zebra knows anything, it knows odd!) "I recognize that smell. Without a doubt, I'd recognize that smell anywhere!" Suzie, being upwind of herself, or evenwind of herself if you want to get technical, was oblivious.

 
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His obsession with following Suzie's liquid form throughout the zoo yielded an unexpected benefit for Elwood when, as she bent over to retrieve the gobbler-measuring device she had dropped after a particularly fervent blast of primate pheromone, her uniform shirt lifted just enough from the waistband to reveal a freckle patch on her left hip in the shape of....
a swan. A beautiful, black, birthmarked swan. Unfortunately for Elwood, he'd never read children's books. Nor could he see. Thankfully, the birthmark was raised. "Trace your hand over this." said Suzie. Elwood obliged. "A swan,' he said. "Ah," said Suzie, "not just any swan. Can you feel the extension?" Blind, Elwood was confused. He could not place this tattooed/birthmark swan. "He loves watercress sandwiches," said she. "You and I are keepers of this zoo…can you even imagine our childhood dreams. What comes to your mind," she asked…

"Dizzy Gillespie" came in her next whisper

 
His obsession with following Suzie's liquid form throughout the zoo yielded an unexpected benefit for Elwood when, as she bent over to retrieve the gobbler-measuring device she had dropped after a particularly fervent blast of primate pheromone, her uniform shirt lifted just enough from the waistband to reveal a freckle patch on her left hip in the shape of....
lance Armstrong's good testiclr. A fact that only she, sheryll crow and lances doctors knew for sure. She absent mindedly toyed with her livestrong bracelet as she fondly remembered their night together, two girls and half a cup of fun.
 
Elwood resumed listening to Third Eye Blind on his ipod as Suzie leafed absent-mindedly through a a volume of zebra porn she had picked up at Mr. Ishida's bookstore the day before when she ducked in from the street to avoid the attention of zoo director Pert Standby who had recently...

 
Spent the day surfing the FFA and submitting shocking anonymous confession after confession. While it felt good to get these things off his chest, he knew that no one could ever know his deepest, darkest secret. You see the good director had once in a moment of passion and extreme duress....

 
Elwood resumed listening to Third Eye Blind on his ipod as Suzie leafed absent-mindedly through a a volume of zebra porn she had picked up at Mr. Ishida's bookstore the day before when she ducked in from the street to avoid the attention of zoo director Pert Standby who had recently...
escaped prison after being accused of bestiality. Yes, he loved animals, but she had always believed he was falsely accused. So she was shocked to see he was on the lam.
 
Elwood resumed listening to Third Eye Blind on his ipod as Suzie leafed absent-mindedly through a a volume of zebra porn she had picked up at Mr. Ishida's bookstore the day before when she ducked in from the street to avoid the attention of zoo director Pert Standby who had recently...
escaped prison after being accused of bestiality. Yes, he loved animals, but she had always believed he was falsely accused. So she was shocked to see he was on the lam.
"Get off that lam" said she. Never a great speller, Suzie was unaware that a lamb had escaped and that the zoo director, a little verklempt after confessing his predilicitions on FFA, was merely trying trying to corral the other before leaving for his appointment with famed tattoo eraser Moana Wildhair to have the sagging portrait of Dizzy Gillespie removed from his....

 
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Attorney's walls. It was an original painting entitled two ounces of jazz, that looked like a blotchy photonegative of the monkey poo Elwood had just deftly avoided as he approached the primate female he thought was Suzie.

 
Not noticing Elwood's predatory advances, Suzie pondered her zebra magazine. "Why do they bother printing these in color?", she mused, as she investigated the watering hole.

 
"This story sure has lots of action," remarked Suzie, "but not as much sex as I was hoping."

Just then, her friend Delilah showed up with a hamster. "Look what I found over in Cricetinae!"

"In who?"

"It's in the rodent alcove. God, are you sure you actually work here?"

"Oh, shut up. I know these grounds as well as you do. And anyway ... we have a rodent alcove? Like, officially? Or are you talking about the 'Zoo's Chews' kitchen?"

Before Delilah could answer, a chlorine bomb exploded in Elwood's face. Undeterred, he steadfastly eyed the foreman's position with no eyes, no lips, and half a nose.

 
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Elwood, now repulsed by Suzie's watering hole and Delilah's rat-infested alcove, dialed up a Flaming Lips tune on his ipod as he boarded the bus home.

g'nite

 
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The foreman's name was Glenn, but everybody called him "Big Salami" because that was his nickname. He knew that Elwood wanted his job, but let's be honest: who didn't? Big Salami was in charge of organizing and coordinating the upkeep of animal quarters throughout the entire zoo -- troubleshooting problems with elephant dung, developing and implementing systems to remove unanticipated bear poop, conducting a yearly formal evaluation of antelope-urine disposal practices, and maintaining records and reports regarding hygiene "down there" among giraffes.

But the foreman's job was not all glamour. It had its sordid aspects as well. Moreover, Big Salami had a secret.

 
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The foreman's name was Glenn, but everybody called him "Big Salami" because that was his nickname. He knew that Elwood wanted his job, but let's be honest: who didn't? Big Salami was in charge of organizing and coordinating the upkeep of animal quarters throughout the entire zoo -- troubleshooting problems with elephant dung, developing and implementing systems to remove unanticipated bear poop, conducting a yearly formal evaluation of antelope-urine disposal practices, and maintaining records and reports regarding hygiene "down there" among giraffes.

But the foreman's job was not all glamour. It had its sordid aspects as well. Moreover, Big Salami had a secret.
the big salami had a very seedy past and even seedier family, with his uncle klompits being the worst. the salami knew that klompits had been blackmailing millionaire zoo owner totes magotes for his torrid affair with heiris helen van biscuits. van biscuits was known for a remarkable ability that magotes could just not get enough of. if magotes ever found out that the salami was related to klompits.......

 
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