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Need advice for nephew's request to move in with us (1 Viewer)

Tackling Dummies

Footballguy
28 year-old nephew, has had some addiction (oxy/painkiller) issues the past several years. He recently went to rehab, was clean, met a girl who was a user, backslid. He's an electrician's "helper" and is close to being licensed. No arrests. He wants to move away (about 800 miles) from his circle of friends and get a new start. We spent a ton of time together when he was growing up, have a solid relationship and WE moved away about 10 years ago. He's stayed with other family members at one time or the other, so we are close to the last ones. He contacted us through his mom yesterday w/ this request and we will contact him shortly.

We live in the suburbs, good local economy, very low crime, yadda yadda. Mrs TD, me and a few pugs.

We're open to having him stay temporarily (12-18 months?) with the goal of him on his own.

Have some issues that we are trying to wrap our heads around and wanted to get some feedback about what we might or could be expecting. IF we go forward, we're working on a list and he'll need to agree to the terms. Zero tolerance, one and done.

Thanks and fire away.

 
28 year-old nephew, has had some addiction (oxy/painkiller) issues the past several years. He recently went to rehab, was clean, met a girl who was a user, backslid. He's an electrician's "helper" and is close to being licensed. No arrests. He wants to move away (about 800 miles) from his circle of friends and get a new start. We spent a ton of time together when he was growing up, have a solid relationship and WE moved away about 10 years ago. He's stayed with other family members at one time or the other, so we are close to the last ones. He contacted us through his mom yesterday w/ this request and we will contact him shortly.

We live in the suburbs, good local economy, very low crime, yadda yadda. Mrs TD, me and a few pugs.

We're open to having him stay temporarily (12-18 months?) with the goal of him on his own.

Have some issues that we are trying to wrap our heads around and wanted to get some feedback about what we might or could be expecting. IF we go forward, we're working on a list and he'll need to agree to the terms. Zero tolerance, one and done.

Thanks and fire away.
Stopped reading right there. Nope. Sorry, but you cannot ruin your family for this kid. Wish him well. Pray for him if that's what you do. And live your life. You don't owe him anything.

 
In all seriousness, hide not only money but everything else of significant value. Those pills are really expensive on the street and addicts will do anything to get their fix. Good luck sleeping at night.

 
Good luck. I would require a rehab/NA program of some sort. At least 25 hrs a week of work. Specific chores/projects he needs to complete (organize the garage, build brick walkway etc) with you.

It's good you don't have kids. I woulda said 'No f-in way' if you had kids. If you feel you have the balls to kick him out of necessary and the heart to help him and mentor him, you'd be doing a nice thing and maybe could change his life.

20% chance this turns out like a nice warm Hallmark Channel movie

40% chance it's akward, nothing bad happens, doesn't really work out, he leaves for another place to live

30% chance he flames out somehow and Burbs you

10% chance he sleeps with your wife.

 
I think you have to error on the side of caution and do everything to protect your family. This means saying no. If you were single, I'd say go for it. With kids and a wife involved, it isnt worth the risk.

 
Good luck. I would require a rehab/NA program of some sort. At least 25 hrs a week of work. Specific chores/projects he needs to complete (organize the garage, build brick walkway etc) with you.

It's good you don't have kids. I woulda said 'No f-in way' if you had kids. If you feel you have the balls to kick him out of necessary and the heart to help him and mentor him, you'd be doing a nice thing and maybe could change his life.

20% chance this turns out like a nice warm Hallmark Channel movie

40% chance it's akward, nothing bad happens, doesn't really work out, he leaves for another place to live

30% chance he flames out somehow and Burbs you

10% chance he sleeps with your wife.
I believe he has kids:

Mrs TD, me and a few pugs

 
Good luck. I would require a rehab/NA program of some sort. At least 25 hrs a week of work. Specific chores/projects he needs to complete (organize the garage, build brick walkway etc) with you.

It's good you don't have kids. I woulda said 'No f-in way' if you had kids. If you feel you have the balls to kick him out of necessary and the heart to help him and mentor him, you'd be doing a nice thing and maybe could change his life.

20% chance this turns out like a nice warm Hallmark Channel movie

40% chance it's akward, nothing bad happens, doesn't really work out, he leaves for another place to live

30% chance he flames out somehow and Burbs you

10% chance he sleeps with your wife.
I believe he has kids:

Mrs TD, me and a few pugs
I took "pugs" to mean dogs. :shrug:

 
Good luck. I would require a rehab/NA program of some sort. At least 25 hrs a week of work. Specific chores/projects he needs to complete (organize the garage, build brick walkway etc) with you.

It's good you don't have kids. I woulda said 'No f-in way' if you had kids. If you feel you have the balls to kick him out of necessary and the heart to help him and mentor him, you'd be doing a nice thing and maybe could change his life.

20% chance this turns out like a nice warm Hallmark Channel movie

40% chance it's akward, nothing bad happens, doesn't really work out, he leaves for another place to live

30% chance he flames out somehow and Burbs you

10% chance he sleeps with your wife.
I believe he has kids:

Mrs TD, me and a few pugs
I took "pugs" to mean dogs. :shrug:
:lol: You're probably right.

 
Went through this with a loved one and from our personal experience the act of moving away from the area where they had "friends" and dealers was a key component to kick starting their sobriety. That and 30 days residential rehab program made all the difference. Loved one is seven years sober and back to their ol' self so this type of arrangement can work. You do have to be direct and straight forward with your nephew about expectations and boundaries so there is no ambiguity about the situation and let him know that there are No Second chances from this point on if he comes to live with you. One strike and he's out.

 
I think you have to error on the side of caution and do everything to protect your family. This means saying no. If you were single, I'd say go for it. With kids and a wife involved, it isnt worth the risk.
Pugs aren't kids.

Sounds like he's trying to fix his life and making a big change to do so. You sound like just the right fit for him. As long as you're able to stick to a zero tolerance policy and think you can help here, then I don't see why you wouldn't do it. It's not often we're given the kind of opportunity to completely help turn around another person's life.

That said, you BOTH need to be completely on board or it just won't work.

 
Research local sober houses / 3/4 way houses (less restrictive than halfway houses, but still can drug test, etc. as a condition of residency) as a 90 day transition requirement. If he gets a sponsor, stays clean / sober, etc. he can then move in for up to 90 days while looking for his own place.

 
I would let him move in. As long as you have an understanding with him that if he messes up he is gone, I would help give him that chance for a fresh start.

 
28 year-old nephew, has had some addiction (oxy/painkiller) issues the past several years. He recently went to rehab, was clean, met a girl who was a user, backslid. He's an electrician's "helper" and is close to being licensed. No arrests. He wants to move away (about 800 miles) from his circle of friends and get a new start. We spent a ton of time together when he was growing up, have a solid relationship and WE moved away about 10 years ago. He's stayed with other family members at one time or the other, so we are close to the last ones. He contacted us through his mom yesterday w/ this request and we will contact him shortly.

We live in the suburbs, good local economy, very low crime, yadda yadda. Mrs TD, me and a few pugs.

We're open to having him stay temporarily (12-18 months?) with the goal of him on his own.

Have some issues that we are trying to wrap our heads around and wanted to get some feedback about what we might or could be expecting. IF we go forward, we're working on a list and he'll need to agree to the terms. Zero tolerance, one and done.

Thanks and fire away.
Do you have a crazy, kinda hot Sister in Law?

 
Good luck. I would require a rehab/NA program of some sort. At least 25 hrs a week of work. Specific chores/projects he needs to complete (organize the garage, build brick walkway etc) with you.

It's good you don't have kids. I woulda said 'No f-in way' if you had kids. If you feel you have the balls to kick him out of necessary and the heart to help him and mentor him, you'd be doing a nice thing and maybe could change his life.

20% chance this turns out like a nice warm Hallmark Channel movie

40% chance it's akward, nothing bad happens, doesn't really work out, he leaves for another place to live

30% chance he flames out somehow and Burbs you

10% chance he sleeps with your wife.
Attending meetings & having a coach/mentor is #1 on the list. Drug testing is a must. When he has a job, we will hold X amount to either offset for expenses or save for him, Must have a job by X amount of time, must take care of chores/cleaning, etc.

 
Sounds to me like it has a chance to work out. Its a tough decision, but IMO, with no kids involved, you can help change someone's life with little negative to yours. Personally, I'd give it a try with tight rules.

 
28 years old. Old enough to have grown out of "youth" issues. I am afraid that he is going to have to do things on his own. IF he wants to start a new life, he should get away from old haunts, yes. But, I wouldn't let him in my house.

Good luck with your decision.

 
Sounds to me like it has a chance to work out. Its a tough decision, but IMO, with no kids involved, you can help change someone's life with little negative to yours. Personally, I'd give it a try with tight rules.
That's where I'm at. Hide everything, checkbook, valuables, etc. and put a tight list of rules together. We have some leverage, so a tight list of rules is where we are putting together. I'm touching base w/ our church later, they have an addiction class/group too.

 
28 years old. Old enough to have grown out of "youth" issues. I am afraid that he is going to have to do things on his own. IF he wants to start a new life, he should get away from old haunts, yes. But, I wouldn't let him in my house.

Good luck with your decision.
I completely get it. I'm about 60/40 to let him stay for a period, but it will take a few days to sort it out.

 
Why would you let him stay? Serious question. What good can come of it? Why are you retiscent to let him stay? What is the age gap between the Tackling Dummies household and this nephew? Would he view you as an authority figure or as a room mate?

 
Temporary is 12-18 months? HFS... I get that you want to help the guy, but I didn't know you were going Wrigley over this.

My advice would be 6 months maximum... and during that time, there's house rules about to AA/NA/therapy/whatever on a daily basis. Basically, take a look at how the average halfway house sets their rules... people have chores to do, must attend meetings and group sessions, and they have a curfew. Do a similar thing in your home... Getting SOME kind of a job being a must and some flat percentage (15% - 20%) to be paid back to you as rent. Bear in mind... this doesn't mean finding the "right" job... but working full-time is a must, even if it's bagging groceries and stocking shelves.

 
One thing to keep in mind regarding people who are undertaking a huge change in their lives...

So much energy is spent thinking about what he can't do: he can't use drugs, he can't lose his job, he can't start drinking heavily, he can't go out with certain friends - when an addict is focused on all of the things that they are giving up in their lives it can be extremely scary.

Once they get past the heavy physical withdrawal symptoms they need to be presented with an alternative life, a vision for what they could be or what they could build that is healthy and exciting and worth working towards.

This is where a mentor or a close family member or close friend who is more mature and has accomplished more in their lives can really help. You are not a rehab counselor or a psychologist (unless you are). Most likely you do not have the experience or authority to speak on the issues regarding getting clean and avoiding the way he used to live. What you and your wife could provide is a vision for life that is something he can work towards, meaning a career or a relationship or owning your own house or condo, taking vacations, having friendships that do not revolve around substance abuse.

If I were you, I would only take him and if he had gone through the difficult process of the physical withdrawals. I would sit him down and tell him that your goal is not to have a play simply for him to live, but to walk with him as he tries to create a vision for himself of what his life could be in the future. Having witnessed several friends and family members go through addiction, once they get through the physical withdrawal. They can easily get lost with how to live their lives moving forward. Providing a positive, joyful vision for his future can be a huge motivation and quite frankly is all you can really provide him.

 
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So how strict would the "one and done" be? If he smoked a joint would that be sufficient? How about getting hammered on beer? Do you and your wife smoke weed or drink?

Also, how large is the age difference between you and your wife and the nephew? And how is your wife's relationship with the kid's parent, her brother/sister?

 
Why would you let him stay? Serious question. What good can come of it? Why are you retiscent to let him stay? What is the age gap between the Tackling Dummies household and this nephew? Would he view you as an authority figure or as a room mate?
Why would you let him stay? Serious question-- He's family, which gets him on the list. Otherwise, nope.

What good can come of it? -- He gets his schtick together.

Why are you retiscent to let him stay? -- It's fresh, have lots of questions to sort through.

What is the age gap between the Tackling Dummies household and this nephew? - 20 years

Would he view you as an authority figure or as a room mate? - Authority

 
Why would you let him stay? Serious question. What good can come of it? Why are you retiscent to let him stay? What is the age gap between the Tackling Dummies household and this nephew? Would he view you as an authority figure or as a room mate?
You help a family member get his life together?

:shrug:

 
So how strict would the "one and done" be? If he smoked a joint would that be sufficient? How about getting hammered on beer? Do you and your wife smoke weed or drink?

Also, how large is the age difference between you and your wife and the nephew? And how is your wife's relationship with the kid's parent, her brother/sister?
One and done is non negotiable. Drunk, stoned same are out the door.

20 year difference. Mrs & I are light drinkers, no weed.

My wife's brother is an idiot, but they have a decent/surface kind of relationship.

 
Temporary is 12-18 months? HFS... I get that you want to help the guy, but I didn't know you were going Wrigley over this.

My advice would be 6 months maximum... and during that time, there's house rules about to AA/NA/therapy/whatever on a daily basis. Basically, take a look at how the average halfway house sets their rules... people have chores to do, must attend meetings and group sessions, and they have a curfew. Do a similar thing in your home... Getting SOME kind of a job being a must and some flat percentage (15% - 20%) to be paid back to you as rent. Bear in mind... this doesn't mean finding the "right" job... but working full-time is a must, even if it's bagging groceries and stocking shelves.
Have no framework, that's why I tossed out 12-18 months, it's not set in stone.

 
Hard for others to give you advice or a yea/nay answer. Only you know the relationship and person in question. My feeling is if he's not an ####### you give it a shot. My wife has a nephew who needed to get away, had some issues with the law, can't keep a job. He hinted about the very thing you're contemplating. He's an ####### so I said not a chance, too toxic. About any of the other nephews, I'd give it a go but not that one. Maybe not his brother either but for other reasons.

 
I dont see the need to put a timeframe on it. If things are going well 8 months in, why rush to kick him out? If things are not progressing the way you'd like after 3 months, its over.

 
Drug addicts are some of the best liars in the world. I get having a "one strike and you're out" policy, just understand that the "one strike" is the one you caught. There will be several strikes that happen without your knowledge. If you think you have misplaced something, guess what, it was stolen. And just prepare yourself for the "one strike" to be more painful to you than just catching him getting high.

 
I dont see the need to put a timeframe on it. If things are going well 8 months in, why rush to kick him out? If things are not progressing the way you'd like after 3 months, its over.
I think the time frame is one of the most crucial elements in this.

It's not rushing to kick him out, it's letting him know the understanding that he has a goal and deadline.

This will help immensely in his recovery. Gives him a purpose instead of a free card for room and board.

 
This kid knows he has a problem and wants help, and is going about it the right way. He isn't an addict that is having sobriety forced upon him, which is an important distinction that should dictate how you handle the situation. In my opinion nothing good can come from some of the advice given here about getting in his face about daily therapy, holding out a pee cup, etc. If you choose to allow him to stay with you, being a role model and trusted confidant is the most important thing you can do. Sure there should be rules - curfew during the week, chores, etc. That will just make him feel a part of the family.

Of course, my opinion is suspect because I have zero qualifications about this kind of thing, so take it with a grain of salt.

 
I'd do it.

Most of the good advice seems to have been given out, but I just wanted to offer you some encouragement. Helping someone's life is more than just helping that person, it helps all of the lives he touches in the future. Nothing greater than rescuing someone who was lost.

 
i have no family left, but when situations with family arise, i ask myself the following: would i a) talk to b) help c) anything this person if they somehow weren't related to me? just because someone may have been born to or is a relative of yours doesn't mean squat if they haven't earned it.

 
28 year-old nephew, has had some addiction (oxy/painkiller) issues the past several years. He recently went to rehab, was clean, met a girl who was a user, backslid. He's an electrician's "helper" and is close to being licensed. No arrests. He wants to move away (about 800 miles) from his circle of friends and get a new start. We spent a ton of time together when he was growing up, have a solid relationship and WE moved away about 10 years ago. He's stayed with other family members at one time or the other, so we are close to the last ones. He contacted us through his mom yesterday w/ this request and we will contact him shortly.

We live in the suburbs, good local economy, very low crime, yadda yadda. Mrs TD, me and a few pugs.

We're open to having him stay temporarily (12-18 months?) with the goal of him on his own.

Have some issues that we are trying to wrap our heads around and wanted to get some feedback about what we might or could be expecting. IF we go forward, we're working on a list and he'll need to agree to the terms. Zero tolerance, one and done.

Thanks and fire away.
Pretty sure your nephew ends up sleeping with your wife. Ask Arid Filch for his advice.

 
Its close family and he is reaching out. Sounds like he is close to getting things together. Would you regret not doing this if he turns up dead a year from now and you could have helped? If you had kids then i would say no. However, it sounds like the perfect opportunity for him as long as your wife is cool with it. I think you take him in with strict rules, one of them being he attends meetings and/or therapy the entire time.

Good luck. I hope it works out.

 

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