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Story Time with EG - ***OFFICIAL THREAD*** (The "Magnum Opus" is complete 5/17/18) (1 Viewer)

Buzzbait said:
This thread was started 3 1/2 years ago and I'm just now reading for the first time! @Evilgrin 72 this is pure gold.  :thumbup:
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I still have another Vegas story to put up sometime and the piece de resistance will be the Preakness story.  I don't know that it will necessarily be the funniest, but so much happened in 2 days, it's hard to believe.  I'm actually going to have to outline that one before I write it or I'll forget 5 different "events."

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
No, I just haven't gotten around to doing anything with it yet.  I was all set to do it when I realized I couldn't crop or edit them on my PC at home die to the file format being unrecognized by my video editing program.  There were a few suggestions on how to rectify, but I haven't tried them yet.  It's coming at some point, though.  I verified that I have all the footage I'd need for a video update to that story.  It'll be worth the wait, I believe.
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Update?

 
Worm said:
Update?
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I never got around to trying to convert the file format, but I shot the TV screen with my phone when I posted the video of my brother pretending to eat feces in another thread and it came out fine, so I think I'm going to just play the DVD on my TV and film segments with the phone to post to Youtube.  It was going to be a surprise, but I'm trying to do this next week, my wife flies out to Utah on Wednesday and I have the house to myself for 3 nights - perfect opportunity to accomplish this without a salvo of questions.

 
1) Key West w/ video

2) Murray's bachelor party weekend (Vegas finale)

3) Preakness '98 - likely a 3-parter.

Placeholders to remind myself....

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
I never got around to trying to convert the file format, but I shot the TV screen with my phone when I posted the video of my brother pretending to eat feces in another thread and it came out fine, so I think I'm going to just play the DVD on my TV and film segments with the phone to post to Youtube.  It was going to be a surprise, but I'm trying to do this next week, my wife flies out to Utah on Wednesday and I have the house to myself for 3 nights - perfect opportunity to accomplish this without a salvo of questions.
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This is happening today.  I recorded the videos last night, just need to upload to Youtube and re-post the story with links and a few very minor added splashes of color.  Stay tuned.  I'll do it as soon as time at work permits, definitely before COB today, hopefully by lunch time.

 
Also, after watching all the videos, I am truly surprised at how strong my memory was when writing that story - it seems almost every detail mentioned on the video jives with how I wrote it.  There's even a callback to one of the Palace Station trips that Yams brings up that matches the description I wrote here in a completely different story.

 
**The Key West Story - NOW with VIDEO !**

WARNING - LOTS of NSFW language in these videos.  The F-bombs flow like water, do not listen to this on external speakers at work or around small children unless you want to be fired or have Social Services called.  Also, a note on video quality - if you're expecting crackling hi-def goodness, calibrate expectations now.  This was shot on a 90s analog camera, converted to DVD, and then shot with my phone off of the television.  It's also not always lit well, etc - I wasn't expecting anyone to ever see this but my immediate family/friends and didn't know (or care) much about lighting a shot properly, etc.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Yams (from the Ox v. Yams videos), our friend Barry and I struck out on a fun but somewhat ill-fated trip down to Key West in late summer of 2002. Same two guys from the Orlando hooker story in post #21. We'd packed a few bottles of booze and a couple cases of beer in a cooler for the trip down and had an ounce of high-grade herb, reservations at a little Mom & Pop motel called the El Patio, and a few hundred bucks in spending money.

We rolled into town around dusk on a Friday night, blasting metal, smoking blunts out the windows - we felt the need to let this sleepy island know we'd arrived. We dropped off our crap and immediately went out to Duval and started drinking. Aggressively. We were doing shots every 15 minutes, pounding beers back - it got ugly and it got ugly in a hurry.

About 5-6 hours into this bender, we found ourselves in a bar called Irish Kevin's, so apropos of the theme, we ordered pints of Guinness and shots of Tullamore Dew. Knocked them back and a few minutes later, Barry got up to go to the bathroom. He took two forward steps, a sideways step, righted himself, took two more steps, then keeled sideways and SLAMMED into a table of young women enjoying their own pints responsibly. He grabbed the edge of the round high-top table to attempt to steady himself, but failed and went to the floor, knocking every beer on the table over in the process, most of them right into the laps of their owners. The girls shrieked and started freaking out, which instantly drew the bouncers, who descended en masse to see what the problem was. Yams and I sprinted over and hoisted Barry up, at which point the security guards made it clear that our presence was no longer required at Irish Kevin's.

We dragged Barry out to Duval Street, and as it was still fairly early, Yams and I were keen to keep the evening going. We were trying to figure out what to do when we look to our right and see some random guy sprinting down a fairly steep hill (for Florida) toward the street. Now, we're on the sidewalk and between us and this guy, who is running perpendicular to the street from between two buildings on the next block over, there's a 3-4 foot concrete wall with a wrought iron fence on top of it. Behind this fence is the hill that this guy is running down, it slopes toward the fence. This guy is FLYING, I have no idea if he was running from cops, tripping balls on acid, trying to beat a taxi fare, etc. All we see is him approaching the fence and he is not slowing down. In full stride, he leaps, attempting to clear the fence. Whether or not he knew there was a 4-foot drop from the base of the fence to the sidewalk, I'm unsure. In any event, he makes a mighty leap.....and comes up a few inches short. His toe clips the top of the wrought iron fence and sends him flying face-first down the four foot drop and right onto his face on the sidewalk with an audible "THWACK." A gasp of "OHHHHHHHHH!" comes up from those who witnessed it. I thought the guy was dead. However, I took no more than one stride towards him when he pops up and sprints off down the sidewalk as if nothing had happened. Except for the fact that the impact was so severe that it actually knocked one of his shoes clear off, you'd never know anything was amiss. He just took off, leaving his shoe in the middle of the sidewalk. Key West.

Anyway, we're still trying to figure out what to do with Barry, who's alternately drooling and collapsing on the sidewalk. We ultimately decide to shove him on a bike taxi and send him back to the hotel. We give the bike taxi guy $40 and tell him to get Barry back to the El Patio and make sure he gets into the room OK and the guy pedals off. Yams and I started heading back down Duval and as we're passing a strip club called Teasers, some haggard woman who may once have been hot enough to dance, but is now relegated to the street trying to drum up more business, starts "barking" her spiel in our direction. the following exchange is as close to verbatim as I can remember in my haze.

Barker : "Come on up ! No cover, 20 all-nude females ready to entertain ! Guys, you want to come upstairs?"

Yams : "Are you representative of the quality of women employed by this bar?"

EG : "Ooof."

Barker : "What do you mean?"

Yams : "I mean... are there a bunch of buffalo chicks in there?"

Barker (now getting annoyed) : "What the f--k do you mean? You trying to say I look like a buffalo? You..."

EG (jokingly, trying to defuse the situation) : "Heh heh.. no, he means chicks from Buffalo aren't very attractive..."

Barker : "I'm from Buffalo !"

EG (sighing) : "Of course you are......."

Barker : "I rode a motorcycle down here after my parents kicked me out of their house.."

EG : "What is this, a f--king A&E biography?"

Yams : "Look, are the girls in there good looking or not?"

Just then, two dancers come down the stairs.

Barker : "See for yourself, this is Destiny and Amber....."

Yams : "Those chicks are very, very..................average."

EG (doing announcer voice) : "Teasers !! Home of 3 dollar Bud bottles and the world's highest concentration of herpes sores !! Look, she's got one right there...."

Yams : "Listen, let's cut through the BS. Has anyone ever taken a dump on your chest?"

Barker : "What? No......."

Yams : "What if I slide back here when you get off work? I think I can hold this monster back until then. What time do you get off?"

Barker (actually seeming interested in Yams at this point) : "2 AM. You're really going to come back for me at 2:00?"

EG : "Holy s--t... is she even listening to you?"

Yams : "She's drunk. That's right, toots, I'll be back at 2:00 and I'm going to hit you with a Cleveland steamer. I might even do a chili dog - you know what that is?"

Barker : "You won't come back at 2:00 - you're full of s--t."

EG : "He IS full of s--t - that's what he was just saying. You'll see-"

Yams : "I am f--king coming back. I'm going to take you back to my hotel."

Barker : "Yeah, right..."

Yams : "I'm serious. You're coming back to my hotel tonight." (EG and Yams start to walk off)

Barker (calling after Yams) : "I'm sure I won't see you again !"

Yams : "You heard what I said. I'll be back at 2:00 and I'm going to take a huge f--king DUMP right on your chest. Bet on it !!!!"

Barker : "I'm not going to hold my breath !!!!"

EG : "I'd recommend you do........."

Several hours later, probably around 4 AM, we finally strike off back to the motel, as all the bars are closing for the night. We walk into the room expecting to see Barry passed out on the bed, but no. He's nowhere in sight. We checked the bathroom, down the hallway, no sign of him. We have no idea what to do at this point. I don't really remember much of this, but luckily I started running my video camera, so we were able to piece some of it together later. Evidently, we decided the best thing to do was to start shotgunning beers and blasting Motorhead at max volume on our boom box. At 4:30 AM. The tape shows us screaming and BLARING the song "Goin' To Brazil" over and over and over again as we shotgunned beers and poured beer all over the tile floor and one another. Yams is also bleeding from the ear in this video, we never figured out what happened there. Not long after, we finally passed out.  Here is the video shot at either 3 or 4 AM (I contradict myself) in its entirety (5:43)

Cut to : 3 hours later. I'm blacked out when there's a pounding on the room door. I'm covering my head with a pillow, trying to make the sound go away, yelling "F### OFF !!", etc. After a minute, it occurs to me that it might be Barry, so I reach over, still in bed and supine, the pull the door handle, swinging the door open. The manager of the motel is standing there.

Manager : "Good morning, gentlemen."

EG : "Yeah, what's up?"

Manager : "You have thirty minutes to get your belongings and leave this establishment."

EG : "What? Why?"

Manager : "Well, for one, we had 13 complaints on our answering machine this morning about excessive noise coming from this room. And I suppose it's no surprise that this individual that I found by the pool this morning is with you."

EG : "Huh? Who?"

Manager : "That guy!" (he must have been pointing, but my eyes are closed again.) "His pants were in a ball on the pool deck and...........his penis was out."

I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, but this struck me funny and I started laughing uncontrollably. It was then that I heard Barry's voice for the first time in a while.

Barry : "Who's penis was out?"

EG : "Barry? Dude, where the f-"

Manager : "Yours, sir."

Barry : "Mine? My penis was OUT?"

Manager : "Yes sir, it was."

Barry (resigned) : "####...."

Manager : "I'll expect you three to have vacated the premises by 10:00 sharp or I will be calling the police. Also, I have all of your names and any future attempts to reserve rooms at this establishment will be denied. Good day to you."

I rolled over and pried my crusted eyes open and asked Barry what the hell happened. We were able to piece together an approximation of what occurred. Apparently, he pissed himself on the way back and was kicked off of the bike taxi (this was up for debate for some time, but was settled later on video.) Urine-drenched and wasted, he managed to find his way back to the motel, but not all the way to the room. Near as we can figure, he laid down in a chaise lounge by the pool, pulled out Mr. Johnson again (presumably to whiz on the pool deck) and then passed out COLD. That's exactly how the owner of the hotel found him the next morning - soaked in piss with his penis flapping in the breeze, in full view of the entire establishment.

By 8 AM, we were banned for life from the El Patio Motel. 

Yams half-slept through this whole episode, so we had to rouse him and tell him that we'd been kicked out and had to get the hell out of Dodge. He was in a foul mood, so I threw the camera on to capture his complaining, which ended up being gold because he was griping about all the "water" all over the floor soaking his feet, which was actually the beer that he himself was spilling everywhere a few hours earlier. On the tape, it happens in quick succession, so you can watch him making the mess and then complaining about it 30 seconds later, asking "What ###hole spilled water all over the floor ?!"  Here is the video shot not long after we were asked to leave - 7:34.  Yams actually references the Palace Station story from the last page in which we "escaped" police intervention here, I don't think he ever knew (and still may not) that the cops showed back up to the room after we rapelled out - he went back to NJ shortly after that and before I got the full rundown of events from people in the room.

Naturally, before we left, we had to burn one, so my brother rolls a fat joint using a page from the conveniently supplied Bible - thanks Gideons! We loaded up the car, Barry threw up, and we were just about to depart (it was about 45 minutes to an hour later) when the police cruiser rolled in. We ran out to the parking lot to meet him as we knew why he was there and didn't want him smelling the herb or finding the roach with bits of Isaiah 53:5 on it. Luckily, the cops in Key West are really chill, so he wasn't hassling us too hard when he saw we were leaving. Barry took the cop to the front office to apologize for his behavior to get him away so we could load out the rest of our crap and lock the room up before anyone smelled the ganja, so we did exactly that and by 10:30, we set out to find a new place to stay. Here we are being rather blasé about impending police intervention and recapping the events that got us tossed - 1:25  This is not easy to do at 9:30 on a Saturday morning, but we found a place called the Southern Cross Motel right on Duval that had one vacancy left, so we snapped it up. The room wasn't going to be ready for a few hours, so we went to a restaurant across the street called Willie T's for breakfast. We watched the tape back and had a few laughs. At one point, Yams said to me : "You think the neighbors know 'Goin' To Brazil' by now?" to which I replied : "They know the lyrics to 'Goin To Brazil by now." When our check came, it read : 

Wings

Wings

French Toast

Jager

Jager

Jager

Jager

To this day, we still call Willie T's bar & restaurant "Wingswingsfrenchtoastjagerjagerjagerjager" every time we see it. I had the French Toast and Yams and I both did two Jager shots to get things going again. Barry didn't do any shots, what a Nancy. So what if it was 10:30 AM. Unfortunately, as we were about to do our second shot, some drunk ### put his cigarette out in Yams' shot (referenced later in the "Three-puke" clip.) Naturally, he drank it anyway. What a guy.

We exit the place and notice right away that another cop is standing there writing Barry a ticket, he having illegally parked. Barry runs over and starts arguing with the cop (different cop) and ends up not only getting a ticket, but getting his name written down for the second time that day. It wasn't even 11 AM yet.

Eventually, we get checked into the room and pass out for a few hours (I argued against this but was overruled.) Before we did, though, we finally ruled that Barry did indeed piss himself (video of that realization here - 0:14  Once everyone woke up and ate, there was a lot of grumbling about fatigue and stomach issues, etc. I'm trying to rally one guy who's 4 years younger than me and another who's 6 years younger. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do for stomach problems. A huge, warm shot of Captain Morgan with cigarette ashes in it. Yams had the video camera on and as soon as I knocked the shot back, I went right for the toilet, which was IN the room, there was no door or even a curtain between the toilet and the motel room (check it out - 0:28) - great for three guys with beer s##ts - and started regurgitating. Yams is filming me and cracking up as I'm alternately heaving and begging the Lord for absolution, when suddenly the sound gets to him. Still holding/running the camera, he starts barfing in the sink. Barry hears this and his stomach turns. He sprints over and begins heaving into the shower. The camera is panning back and forth around the room as this 3-part harmony of yorking fills the room. It's still one of my favorite pieces of tape ever, because you can hear laughter interspersed with the puking as the absurdity of this is hitting all three of us.  Here is that video, but be warned, if you have a sensitive stomach that turns when seeing/hearing others throw up, I'd avoid this one.  It's funny but pretty vile. See for yourself - 2:10

The balance of that evening was fairly uneventful until about 2 AM, with the exception of two bachelorettes enjoying a last week of freedom rolling up on my brother and me, grabbing us and basically tongue-raping us for about 10 seconds before turning and just walking away. Key West. However, things took a turn right as we got back to the motel. We got back in the room and Barry decides he wants to get a CD out of his car. He leaves the room and Yams and I crack beers. Three minutes later, he bursts back in through the motel room door shouting : "My car is gone !! My car is GONE !!" I refuse to believe it and ask him where he was looking.

Barry : "Exactly where we f###ing parked, that's where."

EG : "About 3 blocks south?"

Barry : "Yeah man, three blocks away, right where I parked. Someone stole my ###### car !"

EG : "It seems unlikely. There are no chop shops on Key West that I've seen and the 150 mile one-lane low-speed burn to mainland Florida in a stolen car would be a bit rough. Are you sure you're looking in the right place?"

Barry : "YES MOTHER##CKER ! I'm calling the cops, they already f##king know me for God's sake..."

Long story short (too late), he called the police and reported his car stolen. The cops showed up and took his report; Yams and I walked outside with giant cups of beer and chatted with the cop as he took down all Barry's information. There's a picture of me with this cop in MEH's profile, unless she took it down. I asked the cop to pose for a photo with me, and he actually agreed, saying only : "If this turns up on the Internet tomorrow and I have a giant pair of ####, I'm going to find you and kick your ###." He went on to say that there was little doubt that the car had not been stolen and that we should call back in the morning if we still couldn't find it. As he was telling us this, I look over and Yams is rolling a joint on the hood of the cop car. I was trying so hard not to laugh and give him away, but he managed to get it twisted without being seen. The cop bids us good night and we eventually go to bed.

The next morning, Yams and I wake up and Barry is not in the room. We walk outside and he's talking to a cop, gesticulating wildly and pointing towards where he'd parked his car. Yams and I rolled over and realize it's the cop from the previous morning that escorted us off the grounds of the El Patio. He made some crack about how he couldn't wait to go to work one morning and NOT see our faces. I told him I thought Barry might have been looking in the wrong spot for his car, and the cop said he was sure that was the case. I suggested we grab our bags and he pile us all in the back of the squad car and drive us around like prisoners to look for the car. Why, I have no idea, considering we still had almost a half-ounce of stinky weed in our bags, but no matter.

He begrudgingly agrees and we start driving up and down some of the side roads off Duval. Just as we get to the street I think the car is parked on, Yams farts for about 3 seconds, a really aggressive one, the sound ricocheting off the upholstery and around the cabin. I started laughing and was dreading the scent when I hear him say :

"Oh no, I might have just #### my pants....I'm not kidding."

I completely lost it. I was up against the window in the back of a squad car turning purple laughing. The cop yells out "WHAAAAAT?" and quickly pulls over. I'm exaggeratedly pawing at where the door handle would be, yelling : "HELP !! HELP ! LET ME OUT !! CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT !!!" The cop lets us out and sure enough - the car is 15 feet ahead on our right. Barry sheepishly apologizes to the cop. "You should," the cop says, "You've been here less than 48 hours and your name is on our blotter 4 f###ing times already and this guy just #### himself in my squad car." Barry tells him we're leaving right then and there and the officer says : "Good. Saves me the trouble of kicking your ###es out." We laughed and he advised that perhaps we try New Orleans next time around.

He then proceeded to give us a police escort out of Key West. Literally drove right behind us all the way to to the end of the island and then turned off as we pulled onto the bridge between Key West and Boca Chica Key and flashed his cherries for about a second to send us on our way.

-THE END-

P.S. Yams didn't even bother to check whether or not he'd sharted until we hit the Wendy's in Marathon (he hadn't.)

 
There you go.  I think this is all functioning, if you see broken links or any cut/pastes that don't make sense, let me know and I'll clean it up. 

 
Thank you EG. It was worth the wait. Greatest way to back up a story in the history of the internet.  :lmao:  

:subscribe:

 
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Evilgrin 72 said:
I've never laughed as much WHILE puking as I did there.  Close second was the Skycoaster in Daytona, oddly with the two exact same people.  That was in the meat of our "puking is hilarious" phase.  :lol:
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I don't know how you guys can barf and then keep drinking.  I'm on the verge of death once I puke.

 
Ned said:
I don't know how you guys can barf and then keep drinking.  I'm on the verge of death once I puke.
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Back then, nothing stopped us.  To wit : in the video shot at either 3 or 4 AM, we're tanked to the gills and still pounding.  The next morning, after we get kicked out, we're hungover and on maybe 4-5 hours of sleep after drinking for 16 straight hours the previous day and both Yams and I are drinking beer and Captain Morgan in between being dismissed from the motel and actually departing.  I had a little bit of a buzz going when we actually left and then we went straight to Willie T's and did Jager shots.  I've puked and kept drinking more times than I can even count.  I distinctly remember doing a 3 beer funnel at one of our shore houses, throwing up immediately (still ice cold,) and doing another 3-beer funnel 2 minutes later.

 
I think my favorite part, that I had completely forgotten about until last night, is about halfway through the longest video when we're all laughing and recounting the previous evening's activities and Barry just eats #### out of nowhere.  One second, he's standing and talking, the next, he's flat on his back on the floor.  :lmao:

 
Bucky86 said:
I can feel your hangovers watching these videos. :lol:  
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The video where I'm sitting on the bed talking about how Barry's putz was dangling in the breeze, I was about as hungover as you can get.  Trying to beat it back with beer.  I got myself nearly back to normal by the time we left Wingswingsfrenchtoastjagerjagerjagerjager, but those two ###-clowns wanted to go back to sleep.  I damn near left the room and just drank by myself all day on Duval Street, but I didn't want them to wake up later ready to rage and I'd be on the verge of collapse, so I packed it in too.  Bad mistake, as I knew it would be, we all woke up around 7 PM feeling like dog ####.  I did that ash-riddled shot of Captain Morgan as a proxy for sticking my finger down my throat just to void everything out.  10 minutes after the Three-puke video, we got dressed and went out and met friends on Duval that had just arrived that day and were out until 2-3 in the AM.  Followed by the next run-in with the cops thanks to Barry thinking his car had been stolen.  Followed by more beer and bats in the room until about 5:30 AM.  My liver hurts just thinking about it.

 
Also, in case it needed to be said, neither Yams nor I has so much as a slight recollection of anything in the first video (4 AM.) I mean NONE. Complete blackout.

 
As a reader, I always thing that the stories are a bit...ummmm...exaggerated and embellished with that memory of time to aid you, but these videos just show that you really are crazy as you said you were.  The videos deliver! 

 
The Big Guy said:
As a reader, I always thing that the stories are a bit...ummmm...exaggerated and embellished with that memory of time to aid you, but these videos just show that you really are crazy as you said you were.  The videos deliver! 
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Oh, I assure you every word of these stories is true to the best of my recollection.  I'm sure a few people thought I was full of crap in the most recent Vegas story when I wrote about slamming the door in the cops' faces, but you can hear Yams mention it in the "morning after" video.  And Barry really did walk backwards down A1A in Daytona pissing in broad daylight too. :lol:

 
\mm/

Nope, not enough.  Needs more goat.

\mmm/

*nods*  Yep.  Better.

"This place reeks of bad memories." :lmao:   Barry still frosting his tips these days (not a euphemism)?

If anyone ever had any doubts about any of these stories, they should have all been reduced to absolute flinders now.  Pip, pip, good sir.  If I had any scotch handy I'd throw back a couple in your honor. 

 
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Evilgrin 72 said:
  I got myself nearly back to normal by the time we left Wingswingsfrenchtoastjagerjagerjagerjager
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Just wondering,  does your phone have this on auto complete?

 
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