What to do with a hypochondriac elder? (1 Viewer)

[cosjobs]

My folks live in a large old folks home, where they fix their meals clean their room once a week and take them on some appointments. Mom's still alive at 91, but her health has drastically declined and I'm sure my dad is freaking out that his wife is dying.

I also have a lady that comes in a couple of days a week for cleaning, helping mom bathe or whatever.

I have another lady that comes in a couple times a day to make sure they take their meds and blood pressure.

My wife and I also go across town to visit 3-4 times a week

In the last four months, my father has gone to the ER at least a dozen times for everything from constipation to "his leg hurts" to "I feel like crap." He's 92 and legally blind. He has some health issues and may even have a cancerous growth on his kidney as of last week. 

I cannot seem to get him to understand the ER is for an emergency, not a whim. The ER docs are tired of him (but still professional) and the home is really tired of all the ambulance visits for nothing. I  finally got him to call me before going to the ER. I'll talk him off the cliff, but he's found if he calls the VA they will tell him to go to the ER, so he calls me back and says he's going to do what the doctor tells him,

This is absolutely wearing me out. An ER trip usually take 5-10 hours of very high stress. Plus he treats the staff like #### while he's there. I love respect my father, but really unsure what to do about all this. Any thoughts?

 

[Johnny Rock]

This sounds like they’re in an Assisted Living situation. I would say it’s time for a full nursing home, for their safety and your sanity. They need full time staff available. 

You’re doing great. It will allow you more time for loving with less resentment too. 

 

[wikkidpissah]

Unfortunately, past 85 or so, peeps hear nothing but fear & leverage. In many cases, one has to be willing make an elder hate them to be sure they do & get what's best. Making him fear what's next may be the only way to break your father of the habit of 'doing something' when nothing can be done. GL -

 

[cosjobs]

This sounds like they’re in an Assisted Living situation. I would say it’s time for a full nursing home, for their safety and your sanity. They need full time staff available. 

You’re doing great. It will allow you more time for loving with less resentment too. 

They are not in assisted living. We are looking at that upgrade but he does not want to do it. A nursing home is way more than they need (except his inappropriate ER visits) and they would be miserable there. Not to mention $15000 a month would burn through the assets in a flash.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

He may need to see a doctor.  The behavior may be involuntary.  He may have some form of dementia.  If you can afford a full-time home, it might be time for that.

Good luck.

 

[cosjobs]

Unfortunately, past 85 or so, peeps hear nothing but fear & leverage. In many cases, one has to be willing make an elder hate them to be sure they do & get what's best. Making him fear what's next may be the only way to break your father of the habit of 'doing something' when nothing can be done. GL -

This is a really good point I had not considered. I think you may be onto something, but unsure if I can do it. 

 

[eoMMan]

No advice aside from you're a good son.  

 

[cosjobs]

He may need to see a doctor.  The behavior may be involuntary.  He may have some form of dementia.  If you can afford a full-time home, it might be time for that.

Good luck.

He sees a doc at least once a week. Plus the ER docs. Not sure what you mean full time home? Assisted living?

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Unfortunately, past 85 or so, peeps hear nothing but fear & leverage. In many cases, one has to be willing make an elder hate them to be sure they do & get what's best. Making him fear what's next may be the only way to break your father of the habit of 'doing something' when nothing can be done. GL -

This is a really good point I had not considered. I think you may be onto something, but unsure if I can do it. 

I don't think that's a good idea.  I really don't think he can help himself.  Logic does not apply to this.

 

[wikkidpissah]

I sorely, sorely wish that raising peeps to their grave could be more loving & noble, but it purty much aint.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

He sees a doc at least once a week. Plus the ER docs. Not sure what you mean full time home? Assisted living?

If he sees a doctor by himself, he may not be reporting his behavior.  He may not be aware of it.  You need to go with him.

By full-time home, I mean a live-in facility.  Assisted living might be okay.  It does cost a lot.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

I sorely, sorely wish that raising peeps to their grave could be more loving & noble, but it purty much aint.

Yep.  My mother had Alzheimer's.  There's just no dignity in it at all.

Cos, make sure you have a Power of Attorney, a medical POA, etc.  DO IT NOW if you don't.  I really know how the law works in Texas.  I had to become my mother's guardain.  It ain't fun.

 

[cosjobs]

If he sees a doctor by himself, he may not be reporting his behavior.  He may not be aware of it.  You need to go with him.

By full-time home, I mean a live-in facility.  Assisted living might be okay.  It does cost a lot.

If often go with him. He goes too often to always accompany. His place is "full-time" now with lots of ancillary help bolted on. Next move is AL, which he is resisting.

Yes. he does have dementia. 

`Funny, he's really sharp as a tack, but cannot remember hardly anything and is showing really poor decision making.  Plus he gets scared and really mean

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

If often go with him. He goes too often to always accompany. His place is "full-time" now with lots of ancillary help bolted on. Next move is AL, which he is resisting.

Yes. he does have dementia. 

`Funny, he's really sharp as a tack, but cannot remember hardly anything and is showing really poor decision making.  Plus he gets scared and really mean

It sounds to me like where they are now is assisted living.  I had my mother at Silverado.  I see they have some locations in Austin.  They do cost a lot, but they were the best.  I can go into detail if you want about what to look for.

 

[cosjobs]

It sounds to me like where they are now is assisted living.  I had my mother at Silverado.  I see they have some locations in Austin.  They do cost a lot, but they were the best.  I can go into detail if you want about what to look for.

Thanks, but I am more well versed in the industry than I wish I was. I actually built and brief ran an elder home, but never had any clients like this.

Now the ER is wanting to send him to a rehab and he does not want to go. Sigh. I pretty sure if he's in the hospital a couple days, his medicare will pay for it.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Thanks, but I am more well versed in the industry than I wish I was. I actually built and brief ran an elder home, but never had any clients like this.

Now the ER is wanting to send him to a rehab and he does not want to go. Sigh. I pretty sure if he's in the hospital a couple days, his medicare will pay for it.

Really?  As far as I can tell, a whole bunch of the elderly get to the stage where any change is a non-starter.  It doesn't matter how nice or logical it it, they can be like two-year-olds.

Dementia doesn't make this better.

 

[Zegras11]

This sounds like they’re in an Assisted Living situation. I would say it’s time for a full nursing home, for their safety and your sanity. They need full time staff available. 

You’re doing great. It will allow you more time for loving with less resentment too. 

yep...    My dad passed away like 12 years ago.    He had very belligerent Alzheimer's that took a toll on our family for a few years.  My sister and I set him up in a nursing home and she gave me a great book on how to deal with parents in this situation so that you can keep your sanity.  My wife and I followed it and it was great, but some of the advice was to distance yourself a bit from it to keep sane, and my sister holds a grudge against us for doing what the book said.. 

 

[cosjobs]

yep...    My dad passed away like 12 years ago.    He had very belligerent Alzheimer's that took a toll on our family for a few years.  My sister and I set him up in a nursing home and she gave me a great book on how to deal with parents in this situation so that you can keep your sanity.  My wife and I followed it and it was great, but some of the advice was to distance yourself a bit from it to keep sane, and my sister holds a grudge against us for doing what the book said.. 

Yeah, my brother moved to Laos and my sister Boston, so I'm not sure how much of a #### i give about any grudges. 

 

[cosjobs]

Really?  As far as I can tell, a whole bunch of the elderly get to the stage where any change is a non-starter.  It doesn't matter how nice or logical it it, they can be like two-year-olds.

Dementia doesn't make this better.

I had lots of mean, grumpy old elders, but none that went to  the ER like their favorite bar.

 

[matuski]

I had lots of mean, grumpy old elders, but none that went to  the ER like their favorite bar.

The ER has to be eating through assets faster than AL?

 

[cosjobs]

The ER has to be eating through assets faster than AL?

Insurance covers all that, so that makes him think its ok.